If there's no food I'm going home.

these are called fossil words! here's a whole list

That’s the human equivalant of the “sir are you aware you are a cat” meme.

I thought I was Jewish when I was her age but I was actually Catholic so when my Jewish friends invited me to give a prayer at his house during Chanukah and I recited “Our Father who art in heaven…”, my friend’s mom got on her knees and said to my face in a super soft voice, “Joey, I think you’re catholic not Jewish,” in front of everyone and I thought I was in trouble and I started crying.

I didn’t know church denominations existed, I just thought Catholic was the thing you called Christian people? (You know, ‘cause the Credo…) So I said I was Catholic and my mum was like “No honey we’re Protestants” and I literally responded with “What are we protesting?”

Well I hear this guy, Marty, wrote up a list…

I can't relate to people who don't want attention on their birthday at all, if I go to work on my birthday and my coworker is like "hi how are you?" im like "im a birthday girl :)" immediately