eve

(it's them)

(like LOOK AT THEM, do you see the vision?)

So, imagine James who has to marry the love of his life, Lily, who unfortunately barely knows him, definitely doesn't love him back, she's disappointed and scared about the wedding, but her family is poor, they need to get by, one Petunia who married Vernon Dursley and left isn't enough anymore.

And, it doesn't quite fit the corpse bride canon, but I'm thinking of James, who meets Lily before, at the wedding rehearsal, and realizes she doesn't share his excitement and joy, so he deliberately gets it wrong a few times when giving his speech, and then runs off to give her time to think. He knows it's not enough, that she probably needs more to get over it, but it's all he has, all he can offer her.

He walks through the forest, a little frustrated, repeating the wedding speech over and over, wanting to give it tomorrow as best as he can without making Lily feel ashamed and embarrassed for him. James doesn't even think about letting the ring out of his hands, but he does pass out when he gives the speech again and hooks the ring onto a branch - as he thought. Then, of course, when the groom, dressed in a black tattered suit, climbs out of the ground, he realizes that it wasn't a branch at all - it was a hand. Quite beautiful, even dead, even bony, even skinless. And he can't move for a few seconds, and then he starts running, not knowing why. He feels the fear so far and deep, in his fingertips, but he can't really feel it. His body is afraid, but he himself is not. James admits he's a little fascinated, though he shouldn't be. He has a bride waiting for him.

A bride who doesn't want to be his bride.

He feels bitter for a second, but in the end, it doesn't matter. They have to get married, he wasn't the one who thought it up. James can't betray her.

But later discovers he already has. When he wakes up in the world of the dead, when he discovers that he has bound himself by a vow of love and fidelity to a dead fiancé whose name, he learns later, is Regulus. Regulus seems as upset by this as he is. He grudgingly explains to James that it was all an oath he took in a fit of grief and anger, lets the others finish his story, tells how his heart was vilely and brutally broken, not at all metaphorically ripped from his chest to go out into the night with all his riches. Regulus, of course, glosses over the fact that he wasn't stupid, that he was naive, that he saw it coming, didn't take a penny with him, fought back so violently, forever leaving his former fiancé with a deep scar on his wrist, cutting through his skin with a blade hidden in his sleeve. It didn't help him survive.

He was dead anyway, and if you look closely-which, of course, no one does-you can see that the bones in his chest are deformed from how hard he was beaten, how many times he was stabbed, how his still-beating, red, bleeding heart was ripped out.

James likes Regulus. He doesn't admit it right away, looking for a way to get out of there at first, but when he doesn't find one, his feet lead him to his fiancé's corpse anyway. They talk a lot. Getting Regulus to talk is tricky, but in the end, they both seem interested in getting James out of there. They do talk a lot. And then, a desire that wasn't there originally starts to show itself. It's a selfish, nasty desire that makes him sick - the desire to own James. He wants him for himself, wants to keep him here, wants him to forget everything that happened when he was alive, and yet Regulus can't do that to him.

When James offered to meet his parents, Regulus agrees, even though he knew it's a ruse (Did James knew? Hardly. He really wanted to meet his parents, see them, and also maybe check on Lily, because he was still worried, still have wanted her to be okay, even if he felt so wrong, he felt like a such betrayer)

Of course, they don't meet his parents. But James sees Lily, and Regulus is surprised that he doesn't feel outraged to notice it. "Maybe I don't actually like him very much," he thinks, but knows he's wrong. He thinks about how James actually deserves a girl like her. That she's kind, sweet, god she's adorable, and she gets dimples in her cheeks when she smiles, and she has freckles, and she's so, so achingly alive, and he hasn't seen such vibrancy in too long, almost forgotten what it feels like. He brings James back, not out of jealousy or anger, but out of a desire to show himself in front of her, to scare her, to see her up close, if only for a second, holding James gently against his chest.

When he comes back, though, he's still angry. At himself, first of all. At everyone else in the second. He's so tired. He so wants to be free, he so wants to not carry this weight of grief, of death behind him, he so wants to stop being the fiancé who will never be a husband.

James feels shame. He wants to make things right. He can't go back to Lily - okay, he admits he failed her. But he can't fail Regulus as well.

He finds poison to poison himself when the time comes, and then proposes to Regulus - for real. Not by accident. And Regulus says yes, not out of any real desire to marry, but out of a desire to... to stay with him. Out of a desire to find someone who will love him, even if it's fake. Out of a desire to be the husband he once failed to be.

Their wedding is a huge celebration. They think everything is going well until they see the woman in white. Her hair is bright red, it looks like flashes of flame against the surrounding grayness, her green eyes seem to burn as brightly as not even Christmas lights do. And she cries looking at it, pretending to rejoice with everyone else, her veil covering her face, the hem of her dress stained. She doesn't want to spoil their celebration.

But James eventually notices her. There isn't a universe in which he doesn't notice Lily. And his heart breaks - so quickly, so easily. He feels like such a terrible person, he feels like a terrible lover, he feels dirty.

Regulus can't take his eyes off Lily. She's alive, alive, alive. She's real, her heart is beating, and if her wrist is opened, hot, life-giving blood will pour out. He wants to feel her pulse with his lips, wants to press his nose against her hair, breathe in the scent of life. Regulus isn't sure what he really wants.

But when he sees his former fiancé at her back, he knows he wishes her harm in the least.

But Regulus doesn't have time to move. The man notices him, stares coldly straight into her eyes, smirking, and then stabs her right between the ribs, causing her white dress to turn red.

Regulus stands. He can't move, though he wants to push him away, wants to take her away from here. He doesn't move. Large tears roll down her cheeks, she presses her hand to her wound, choking on air as she tries to speak.

The next thing he sees is James rushing towards her. He pushes the man away, but he happily lets her go, pushing her into his arms. Regulus hears a cold, cruel laugh, sees the man move closer to him, reaching for his glass, deciding to waste words once again, but Regulus doesn't interrupt him this time. Let his last words be long - the important thing is that they are his last.

James calms Lily, asking her to breathe, but the blood is leaving her face, her skin turning blue

The man next to her falls dead. Only then does Regulus walk over to them, taking Lily's hand, explaining in a slow, patient voice that everything will be okay. That she's dead, but it's... not that scary.

The only thought in James's mind is poison. But the glass is empty, leaving only a couple drops at the bottom of the bottle. He drops them on his tongue, then swallows.

"I want to be with you," he whispers, "the two of you."

Regulus nods at him, rocking Lily gently in his arms. She almost imperceptibly but moves her head to nod as well.

"I love you," she whispers to James. Her gaze stops on Regulus. She doesn't know what she should say, "I think I could love you too."

He nods. James falls to the ground, but it's not so scary this time. After all, he's dead now. They're all dead. There is no more dead groom, only two husbands, a wife, and vows of eternal love shared between them

And this difficult for them, almost impossible to make contact, despair splashes, their psycho-emotional state is not just a light wind, it's a fucking storm, like, they never can be ok again. They need more than a one year to talk to each other again. It's been hard before, don't think they don't love each other, we all know true, and yet their family didn't anticipate the possibility of healthy communication among its members. But now it takes a lot more effort to talk. Sirius can't hear, but he can speak. Regulus can speak and hear, but cannot see. So, Sirius speaks. Sometimes Regulus answers and Sirius lip-reads, it gets better and better with the years but never perfect the meaning of some phrases is inevitably lost, but that's something they can at least handle. Sometimes Regulus writes — he remembers good how it's done, but still a little awkward, not nearly as perfect as it used to be, and yet understandable enough. They learn to use it more often. Talk more often. It is important for them not to lose connect. They seem to have lost it all their lives and only learned to fix it when it was too fucking late.This was exactly the moment when Sirius runs away from home and starts living with James. And Regulus needs time, his parents are careful with him, they no longer try to be as cruel as they used to be, mostly just words, and over the years he managed to develop a good immunity, they do not hurt as much as they could. Sirius hates himself for not being able to take Regulus. They still didn't talk back then, it was so difficult for them and Sirius couldn't just ask Regulus to come with him, he didn't believe he could protect him and felt incredibly vulnerable. But he offers in a year and Regulus agrees.

When they get back to Hogwarts, things clearly change. Honestly, even too much. Regulus has a specially trained guide dog, this is a collie named Lyra (actually, in honor of the constellation, but he did not tell anyone about it except Pandora), she is big, soft and fluffy, and she is also smart and really very strong helps him. He also has a cane inlaid with many spells, so he knows Hogwarts quite well, much better than the first years (which is a dubious achievement, but nonetheless).

Sirius is trying to cope with his condition, mostly not really knowing what to do. I'm thinking of a spell he might have found one day to help take notes, literally translate the words spoken by the professor into text (I know there's nothing like that in canon, but it would be fair if there was, and generally, I just don't care about canon, I REALLY don't care, it's there because I made it up right now). He carries around a notepad and pen so that people can write what they want to say to him, but he also often understands what they are saying by watching their lips move. He can also talk, but he can't hear himself, so it's often very loud/very quiet, he prefers to write, but in the company of marauders, he doesn't care if he seems stupid or awkward.

I think Regulus, even after losing his sight, plays the piano, it is important for him to hear and feel the keys under his fingers, it grounds him, calms him down, makes him feel whole. Sometimes it is unbearable, but more often it gets easier than worse. (As he gets older, there are days when his hands shake too much and he can't find the right keys. Then Lily kisses his temple and James puts his hands over Regulus', they play slowly, making Regulus feel more, feel integrity, pushing the keys until he's finally okay)

And sometimes their duet with Sirius is also heartbreaking. Sirius can't hear but can guide his hands, he just feels, he has enough feeling, he doesn't really like to play. He desperately wants to help Regulus. And he sees the keys, he may be his eyes.

So, speaking of marauders. Honestly, James was the first to know. I think Sirius ran away to him somewhere in the middle of summer vacation, so James went to Hogwarts already fluent in sign language and actively continuing his studies. They met Peter during that time, so he definitely found out, even if Sirius didn't want to show it, and sign language was incredibly difficult for Peter, but he tried!! (damn, he tries so hard to be tactful, I just know it, he doesn't want to offend him, he doesn't even speak in his presence, but mostly writes on a notepad to make Sirius comfortable!!!)

Remus only finds out at Hogwarts, not because Sirius doesn't want to tell him, but because Sirius feels bad and doesn't want to appear weak in front of his boyfriend, ok. In this universe, there is no prank, so they are really happy together, but Sirius's disability is very difficult, and he wants to withdraw into himself and never share his burden with anyone. But he still has to do it when they meet on the train, and it's, well, never been easy, ok? Sirius also believes that he is much more fortunate than Regulus and feels guilty because people surround him with care, it seems to him that he does not deserve it. 

I also think that Remus KNOWS sign language very well (I headcanon him with a large family, several younger and one older sister, I think one of his sisters is deaf so he had to learn sign language for her, I can talk about his sisters, in case anyone is wondering, I just love the concept of a big family where Remus is the middle child, and he is the only wizard, except for Lyall, if we are not talking about the fact that Pandora could be his sister. He also suffers from lycanthropy, and I think one of his sisters might, but that's another TALK....but, you know, he'll never be alone and his family is, well, a little wolf-family-pack. ..okay, just let me know if anyone is interested, this isn't even about Remus, I should fucking shut up) so that makes things a little easier? Except that Sirius himself needs time to learn sign language, but it's absolutely in his best interest, so he's trying so hard. Remus really tries to take care of him, he shares his notes with him before Sirius finds that spell (he's never done this before and it was never needed, but now Sirius is so grateful) and he's definitely taking the translator's position a bit with people who do not know sign language, he really is not a burden, because Sirius will never be a burden for him. Never.

And also I think that Regulus has a spell that makes the book read itself, which makes life easier, magic is beautiful. And he definitely learns to read braille later, but I don't think it's very common among wizards (he probably isn't at all. but over time his life is so closely intertwined with muggle world, he can't ignore it)

Let's talk about girls! I like to think that Lily was fluent in sign language before that, as if she seems like someone who will know it, or at least try to learn it. Mary and Marlene absolutely don't know but they are really good friends so they try. And Marlene is in love with being able to write constant notes in a notebook (gives atmosphere. She puts Sirius notes between textbooks, very, very many notes in a day, they become less over time, but she was never going to throw constant gossip with her bestfriend, thanks, even deafness will not interfere with her). Mary also uses her notebook to write for Sirius when she wants to say something.

I also think that Lily absolutely cares about Regulus (platonically or romantically, your choice), but she doesn't know what she can do for him, she just goes with him all the time, almost seems to blend in with the Slytherins. She reads books to him aloud because he likes how soothing her voice sounds, he actually has an amazing memory, he quotes something from what he has read before or from what he heard from Lily.

Evan and Barty don't know how to act at first. But over time it gets easier. Like there's no problem putting things back where they belong so that Regulus can move around the room with ease, at which point they're very clean. They try to spend a lot of time with him, sometimes it's even annoying, he can say it, but honestly he is grateful.

(also Lyra is absolutely delighted with Barty and Pandora, when Regulus is in bed and she doesn't help him anymore, she often goes to Barty's to get her helping strokes)

Dorcas is so excited when she finds out about this, she is actually so mad at his family. One of her best friends will never fucking see anything else because of his family (Regulus never told them the reason but they know. They all know). She is very afraid of how unsafe he can be in his house, but she obviously does not show it, it would be inappropriate and not quite in her character. She tries to be tactful and act like nothing has changed. And she's also very supportive, actually, she's just not clingy like Barty and Evan, for example, she's just expressing help in the little things, I would say. Her help is usually silent, but also surprisingly eloquent.

I didn't say much about Pandora, I'm sorry. They have an amazingly cute duo and an interesting way of getting around, when Regulus assumes his animagus form, he is also blind, but he is literally cat, so she often carries him around in her arms to his destination. It's faster. Oh, and she was the one who helped him find the spell to read!!

Also, I think Sirius's hearing will start to recover at some point, but it will never be good enough, it's just... some sounds, more sounds than total silence. I didn't mention hearing aids before and I don't think they're common among wizards, but he'll definitely use them when they get out in muggle London and, well, it won't give him perfect hearing, but it's a lot better than nothing...