kittens are amazing bc they're like what if a wayward ball of lint was also made of knives
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kittens are amazing bc they're like what if a wayward ball of lint was also made of knives

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clowngirl getting an orchiectomy and the surgeon just keeps removing ball after ball after ball after ball after
clown nurse standing by solemnly adding each successive ball to the ones she's already juggling
everyone shut da fuck up this is the only thing that matters
I do think the post that's like "when they torture you to insanity and then torture you for being insane đđ¤Ł" is one of the most succinct and foundational analyses of interpersonal violence and conflict that had ever been written
I was feeling agitated and artblocked yesterday so I decided to give my brain a rest by watching TV and then the next thing I knew these were in front of me

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I've been laughing about the Mark Hamill gaygay tweet for six hours
Ben grinding his teeth over this might be the funniest thing I've seen in years. Bro. You're seething over the Mark Hamill gaygay tweet.
Is nobody else going to mention the fact that Mark signs his name as Mar Camel???
I need to stop replying to âhow do you make friends in your 30s?â threads because all my answers boil down to âyou have to want to know people instead of have friendsâ and I donât think people wanna hear that
hey. good luck with everything, okay? [cutting the rope connecting your boat to the dock] just good luck. [starts pushing your boat further towards the stream] just have a good luck out there
First they came for my neighbor and I was like damn thatâs crazy. Then they came for me and I was like ah shit shit shit fuck
Bear religion probably fucking rocks. You're a fucking bear, you're the deadliest thing on earth, once a year an endless supply of salmon just flings itself up the river to gorge on and then you nap for 3 months.
The most delicious food in the world is protected by tiny demons who can defend it from everyone except you. Your natural armor is thick enough that you can just eat the damn hive while they buzz around you. God's chosen animals right there
Regular bears tell stories of angel bears sent by the Bear God, pure white and twice as strong as any normal bear could be, who rule the summit of the Earth and kill all who stand in their path.
And they are right, those bears exist and totally do that. Humans just have fake angels as a cope.
love the idea of bears being the chosen species actually. having a near death experience and glimpsing heaven and realising it's just full of bears, no humans at all, humans not ensouled actually, humans an accidental byproduct of God's plan for bears
[Image ID: Tumblr tags reading: theres like one other species that can take you out and they have a taboo about attack you while you hibernating, thats some holy ground sanctuary from vampires shit /End ID]

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Consider this (based on a conversation I had with some friends a while ago): Pride and Prejudice and Zombies for people who actually like Pride and Prejudice. LookâI tried to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and I got about 20 pages in before I came to the conclusion that the person who wrote it did so out of the belief that the original Pride and Prejudice was stuffy and boring. There were out of character vulgar puns. And the trailer for the movie did not convince me that I had missed anything by cutting short my reading experience. So, what Iâm talking about here is this premise: the world of Pride and Prejudice, but if you die, itâs highly likely, almost certain that your corpse will get up and try to eat people. But no one dies in Pride and Prejudice, you might say. In fact, few or no people die in any Jane Austen novel. This is true. But people do get sick with some regularity. Imagine the tension added to Jane getting sick after going to visit Bingley if there was the chance that she would become a zombie after she died. Becoming a zombie in an eligible bachelorâs house probably would have seriously wrecked any chances of any of the living sisters ending up with him. Imagine Mr. Collins, as a minister, having the duty upon someoneâs death of severing their head with a ceremonial plate or something that would prevent the corpse from rising. Obviously important, but this only makes him more self-important and obnoxious. And dangerous. For you see, in this version, Mr. Bennett, who stays in his office all the time, whose life is the only thing allowing Mrs. Bennett and her daughters to stay in the houseâMr. Bennett is definitely a zombie. He died at home, and Mrs. Bennett decided that, no way were they dealing with this, and soâŚjust started faking it. Jane and Elizabeth know. The younger sisters donât. In this universe, I think we have to go with zombies that are not any faster or stronger than the humans they were, and in fact tend to get weaker as time passes because their flesh is rotting. AndâŚhmm, okay, how about they are pretty violent upon rising, and for about a week afterward, trying to bite people and spread the infection (even though most people are carriers anyway, but getting a nasty bite from a corpse will give you other stuff that will have you die while carrying the virus). But then they calm down and basically just start sort of attempting to act like they did in life, that is, taking habitual actions with no consciousness, in a depressing and desiccated way. So Mr. Bennett is a zombie, and Mrs. Bennettâs number one goal is to get her daughters married before anyone finds that out. And this, actually, makes Elizabethâs refusal of Mr. Collins more frustrating for Mrs. Bennettâobviously Mr. Bennett didnât tell Elizabeth that she could refuse Mr. Collins, because Mr. Bennett is dead, but Mrs. Bennett canât say anything or the game would be up. Another question in this versionâdoes Mr. Darcy find out about Mr. Bennett being a zombie somehow? Does Elizabeth find out that he knows and didnât say anything and this is something that helps repair his earlier actions? Anyway, this is the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that I was looking for.
Okay also: in the original, when Elizabeth walks through the rain all the way to bingleyâs to care for Jane while sheâs sick, itâs a very dramatic expression of both Elizabethâs love for her sister and her penchant for flamboyant rebellion, but consider, if there is a chance Jane will wake up a zombie and Elizabeth knows it, how does that change the dynamic? Elizabeth might be going to help take care of Jane, or to *take care* of Jane should things take a more morbid turnâŚby killing her zombie sister.
This works especially well if zombieism is communicable prior to death; if mr. Bennett is a zombie and only the elder Bennetts know, that means Jane has been pre-exposed and is almost certain to wake up as a zombie should she die in the Bingleysâ careâ which the Bingleys do not know. Elizabeth has to forge through the rain to be there in case things get ugly, because she knows that the Bingleys arenât prepared.
And I think you pretty much HAVE to make Mr. Bennettâs zombie status play a role in how and why Darcy separates Bingley from Janeâthe heavy implication behind Darcyâs line about the want of propriety shown even by her father hits Elizabeth like a ton of bricks as she realizes he knowsâhe knows, and he thought Jane lying to Bingley about it was evidence that Jane didnât love Bingleyâbutâbut Darcy must not have told Bingley that part of it. Bingley couldnât keep a secret on his life; if he knew, his sister would know, and word would already be out and theyâd have been ruined by nowâ
And of course, not only does the fact that Darcy, who owes their family nothing, has kept and continues to keep this secret for them even after Elizabethâs refusal deepen the gratitude she begins to feel for him after the letter of explanation, but it also liberates Elizabeth to fall in love with him. Because Elizabeth-who-wants-to-marry-for-love would never be happy marrying someone who didnât know the family secret in advance. She had resigned herself to spinsterhood because she couldnât be satisfied with having to hoodwink someone to have their hand, but also couldnât put her family at risk by trusting someone who wasnât bound to them by more than an engagement. (Maybe she was even tempted to confide in Wickham at one point, and hasnât Darcyâs letter proven she was absolutely right not to yield to that passing thought.) But Darcy figured it out himself, and heâs kept her trust, and she could fall in love with him without guiltâif she hadnât already turned him down.
AND THEN LYDIA HAPPENS. And Darcy realizes immediately that Mr. Bennett canât do anything to recover herâand if Mr. Bennett doesnât do anything about Lydia, Mr. Collins might become suspicious, or even just officously involve himself, so find out the while thing. When Darcy blames himself for not revealing Wickhamâs character, itâs with a much more immediate sense of urgency. Itâs not that the other sistersâ marriage prospects being ruined may impoverish them down the roadâit might immediately drag them all into destitution. Thatâs why he rushes off to go look for Lydia himself.
resurrected dead wife watching her own montage: wow I looked so hot in that
the sims will never not be one of the funniest games on the planet
itâs sooo funny when rude customers encounter employees who can deny them service for the first time.
i was working at a little cafe where I could deny service over bad behavior, harassment etc. & mask mandates had just ended a week before & already people were being weird about me still wearing mineâan N95, the kind shaped kinda like a duckbill.
so this man walked in, looked at me sooo scathingly, laughed at me, and said âdamn. never known a woman to chooseâŚpracticality over looks.â
And I just said, âoh. you can go, youâre not getting a drink.â And he said, âwhat???â
I said, âsir, you just walked in at 6 am & called women impractical and me ugly in one sentence.â
And he was so astonished he didnât even argue he just turned around and left đđđť it was like he suddenly became self aware
One summer I was running ferry rides across a lake so people could see the waterfalls without walking 6 miles when a guy snapped my bra strap as he was boarding the boat. So i immediately threw him off, he started yelling for my manager, my boss cheerfully informed him that, yeah, sheâs the captain of the boat and she can kick off anyone she wants. He goes to storm off, looks expectantly at his girlfriend, and she just goes, âWell, IâM not walking six miles, Michael! Iâll meet you back at the car!â and sits right back down!!!!
The expression on his face when he was told that he couldnât get on the boat, then immediately told that his girlfriend was ditching him? PRICELESS. he just blinked at her and then stormed off like a child. I gave her a free hat and was like maybe rethink this relationshipâŚâŚ.
i once had this fucker come up to order a beer. while i pour it he shows me the wanky fucking chemical structure tattoo on his arm and heâs like âhey. you know what this isâ i was like ânah sorryâ (never cared abt chemistry in school, plus having to look at a some randoâs pretentious tattoo gives me the douche chills). he decides to respond with âheh. you must not read many booksâ
i immediately stop pouring his beer. i reply: âheh. you must not want this beer.â thirsty boy immediately starts groveling like a worm âplease please no i do want the beer im sorry im sorryâ believe me when i say it was one of the most pathetic things ive ever witnessed
gotta love people immediately backpedaling when they realise that there are Consequences To Being Mean
I genuinely believe that part of why it has become so normalized to be openly callous and evil in politics is that customer service culture has trained affluent people that they can treat everyone they consider beneath them however they want and still be treated kindly.
The other thing about meeting my wife on this website is I've seen multiple friends today reblog a post about how some mutuals you eventually transition to using their given name and some you never do, and the thing is. The woman I am legally married to is in the latter category.

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There's this video of nuns talking about their favourite things to do outside of nun activities and one of them says "ultimate frisbee" and the other one goes "and sister you are so good at that." I literally cannot get "and sister you are so good at that" out of my head. Out of all my stims this one is my fav lolol
And stay safe everyone!