Reverie 𖤓

i think when i was watching alien stage i didnt feel much disgust towards the aliens than i was supposed to since they already felt inhumane enough to me

but now that its humans it just digusts me how awful humanity can be especially how zombst is a 100% worse than alnst ever was in human torture

teqhnically the cast are zombies but still were human at some point

can we talk about the fact that you are not supposed to be here. i mean that literally, scientifically, with every number we have available to us. the probability of a universe capable of producing life is something like 1 in 10 to the power of 229, which is a number so large it has no analogy in the physical world, there is nothing you can point to and say "that's how unlikely this is," there is no pile of sand or stars or atoms that gets close. the universe didn't have to do this.

by every reasonable statistical measure, there should be nothing. not empty space, nothing, not even the concept of nothing, just an absence so complete it has no name. and instead there's this. instead there's everything.and then somehow in the middle of all that everything, on one rock, in one solar system, in one unremarkable spiral arm of one average galaxy among two trillion, dead chemistry became alive. we don't know how.

we have theories and we have molecules and we have warm little ponds and hydrothermal vents but we do not actually know the moment it happened, the moment something that was not alive became something that was, we cannot point to it, it is still one of the great open questions, which means the thing that makes you alive, whatever that is, is still officially a mystery. you are built on a foundation science hasn't finished explaining yet.

and then four billion years of almost dying. extinction events, snowball earths, asteroid impacts, five mass extinctions where most of everything was wiped out, and every single one of your ancestors survived all of it, every single one, an unbroken chain going back to the very first cell, not one link missing, which means statistically speaking you come from an incomprehensible streak of luck so long it reads less like probability and more like insistence. like something kept insisting.

and what came out the other side of all of that is you. specifically you. a person who knows what their own name sounds like in the voice of someone who loves them.

a person who has a way they like their mornings to go and a feeling they get in certain kinds of light and a specific laugh they only do when something catches them off guard. your brain right now is running on about 20 watts of power, less than a dim lightbulb, and with that it is building an entire reality for you, complete with a past and a sense of yourself moving through time and the ability to imagine things that don't exist yet, which is insane, which is one of the most insane things any arrangement of matter has ever done.

you should not exist. the numbers are not in your favor and they never were and at every single step something should have gone wrong and it didn't and so here you are, improbably, stubbornly, reading this, existing so casually it's almost offensive to the statistics. i think about this all the time.

which means before you even existed as a single cell the odds were already something like 1 in 400 quadrillion for that specific meeting, and that's only going back one generation, your parents had the same odds, and their parents, all the way back, every generation a fresh lottery that had to be won exactly right or you specifically don't exist, just someone else does, some almost-you who never got to happen.

And the earth had to be exactly the right distance from the sun, not the 0.1% closer that would have triggered a runaway greenhouse effect like Venus, not the fraction further that tips into permanent ice, but this distance, this specific orbital slot, and our sun had to be the right age and the right size because a star 20% larger burns through its life before complex organisms can evolve.

and Jupiter had to be exactly where it is to act as a gravitational shield catching asteroids that would otherwise sterilize us every few million years, and the moon had to be exactly the size it is to stabilize Earth's axial tilt, because without that our seasons would swing into extremes so violent that sustained life on land probably never gets going at all.and then your body.

right now your immune system is identifying and destroying somewhere between 1,000 and 10,000 cancerous or precancerous cells that formed in you today, just today, your body quietly running this surveillance operation every single day of your life without telling you, and your DNA, which if you uncoiled it would stretch from the Earth to the Sun and back 600 times, copies itself every time a cell divides with an error rate of about 1 mistake per 10 billion base pairs.

which is so precise that human engineers have never built anything that comes close, and it has been doing this since before you were born, all the way down, this obsessive fidelity to keeping you intact. and with all of that, with the whole weight of how impossible this is, what you do with your existence is feel things.

you feel things about music. you feel things about the way certain people say your name. you get a specific feeling in autumn that doesn't have a word in English and you know exactly what that feeling is anyway, you have known it your whole life, it arrives in your chest like a letter with no return address.

the universe assembled itself for 13.8 billion years and built something that gets a feeling in autumn. i don't know what to do with that. i don't think there's anything to do with it except notice it. except be glad the numbers came out wrong enough to make you.