you don’t realize how important lunch is until you’re wandering around thinking about how unloveable and untalented and uniquely cursed you are and then it’s 4pm and you finally eat lunch and you go Oh. oh right.

Handing the Google executive currently chained in my basement a piece of paper that reads "Shall I end your torture?" with one checkbox that reads "No" and another that reads "Maybe later."

being intelligent is so attractive like omg no i didnt know that but what i do know is that we should makeout right now

complimented a womans clear raincoat this morning and she said Well i feel like a sandwich

I would have said clit if I was her

you keep your clitoris in a plastic bag?

i lied. put your clothes back off, I do actually like sex

“You’ll find peace of mind when you stop thinking about everything.”

can you put that thing on a leash?

Cut out all the noise. Listen to your higher self. Trust your gut feeling.

scientists are experimenting on cross-breeding a crab and a cheetah; things could go sideways real fast