the only social media i check regularly is ao3

There's a lot of side story material like the one where she dresses up as a woman to sneak into an event she wasn't previously allowed in because her station was too low and there we learn that she went to high-school for 3 whole ass days dressed as a woman and got clocked cuz of her voice and it's like, explicitly traumatizing to her that he got clocked.

She had gone by subaru while dressing in her high-school but after that she gave his fem persona the name natsumi to kind of compartmentalize that trauma(she's very good at that).

She also "accidentally" wears a maid outfit in a side story and is *very* reluctant to get out of it at the end of the day after working as a maid the whole time instead of a butler.

This is all in arc 2

In a side story after arc 4 she dresses as a woman once more to solve a problem that she did not need to dress as a woman for. Bro just wanted to do it.

But onto thematically relevant stuff

Her entire breakdown in the capital is partly cuz of her desire to fit into the mold of a man who swoops in to save the princess. Which is a phase a lot of trans women go through, where you try very very hard to try to fit a mold of masculinity to kind of run away from this realisation that you wanna be a girl.

Her role in the story is traditionally feminine too. She is the heart of the group. She isn't the leader, or the heavy hitter or anything. She's explicitly the person who holds everyone together through emotional ties. She's also constantly picked up in a bridal carry by the women cuz she can't run good.

The juicy stuff comes in arc 7.

Here she makes up a plan to once again solve a problem through crossdressing when she could've done something else.

Bro invades a city and takes it over as a woman.

She's later told she's not a hero by rem(she woke up now) and this causes her to have a mental breakdown.

She continues to dress as a woman and this is where she puts into words why she likes doing it.

It's something that brings her comfort when she's uncertain.

Natsumi is his ideal self. She embodies everything he wishes to be. So when she dresses as natsumi, she feels like she can trust her idealized image to do what she can't. Subaru can trust her to be a hero when he can't.

Also during this whole thing she's constantly told to stop and that it's wierd (relatable as a trans woman) but she doesn't because she finds comfort in natsumi

 - Marilyn Monroe, last taped interview, days before her death

Also:

As one of the biggest Ella Fitzgerald fans, she literally helped desegregate her performances. Ella was not allowed to play at Mocambo because of her race.

Ella Fitzgerald: “I owe Marilyn Monroe a real debt… she personally called the owner of the Mocambo, and told him she wanted me booked immediately, and if he would do it, she would take a front table every night. She told him – and it was true, due to Marilyn’s superstar status – that the press would go wild. The owner said yes, and Marilyn was there, front table, every night. The press went overboard. After that, I never had to play a small jazz club again. She was an unusual woman – a little ahead of her times. And she didn’t know it.” thisisnotmyfairytaleendingg (Source: dmvnessa)

ALSO:

In August 1956, Monroe began filming The Prince and the Showgirl, with Laurence Olivier staring and directing. The production was complicated by conflicts between him and Monroe. He angered her with the patronizing statement “All you have to do is be sexy” and his attempts to get her to replicate Vivien Leigh’s interpretation. She became pregnant and miscarried during the production, which heavily worsened her depression and increased her drug abuse.

She was on courses of strong medication, had invasive surgery to try and limit the damage caused, and despite trying for a baby numerous times, suffered many miscarriages because of her condition. The miscarriages especially sent her into deep depression, since she desperately wanted to be a mother.

There is speculation that the condition may have been one of the triggers in her drug dependency as well, because when you have endo, you will take whatever you can to stop. it. hurting.

Natsuki Subaru’s expression of femininity within Re:Zero is almost always either fetishized or hated, in both cases usually trivialized, reduced to “Tappei’s fetish” more often than not. It’s a heavily misunderstood topic that definitely deserves more clarification. Yes, crossdressing has always been a hobby of Subaru’s, but it’s always been much more than that, since it is an expression of his femininity, a part of himself. He had always struggled with it and it spiraled into heavy gender issues, which made a heavy impact in how he wants to be seen.

It is important to mention that Tappei gives a great deal of importance to the names of his characters, them being a big part of their identity, as shown through the relevance of Sin Archbishops, Witches, etc. being named after stars, how they relate to their place in the world and their characteristics, but also shown through Gluttony’s power, in how having your name stolen means having your identity forgotten by the world.

Tappei purposefully chose “Subaru”, yes, in big part due to lore related reasons for sure, especially since it is the name of a star cluster, but it is also explicitly a gender neutral name, being used for both boys and girls. This is even explicitly brought up in the “My Fair Bad Lady” Side Story, and even further grounded in the Mimagau IF, where every genderbent character had their name altered except for Subaru and Roswaal (who had been a woman before).

Early life

As early as LN 1, Subaru refers to his preschooler self being “quite cute”, having long hair and often mistaken for a girl, something he seems to think fondly of, saying that the passage of time is “cruel” and “unforgiving”. The phrasing directly ties in cuteness with his girly appearance, which further correlates that appearance with something he misses, along with the positive attention he had gathered. It is possible to point out the first occasion in which Subaru learnt that it's only if he’s seen that he exists.  

His physical appearance is pre-school is brought up once again in LN 19, where he brings up that he had been called “Princess of the Ice”, an obviously feminine title addressed to the self who had still been often confused for a girl, being called once again “adorable”, supporting the implication that it’s something that he misses. 

This is even further supported by another mention of his preschooler self, or rather, the end of his “adorable self”, calling himself “as pretty as a flower”. He does not look down upon his preschooler self once again, never saying anything negative about it— He rather says that period of his life had ended once he had his long hair cut, the manifestation of his femininity. He hadn’t wanted to be mistaken for a girl anymore, and yet he had cried a lot when he had his hair cut. After all, that long hair was part of him. Long hair is a very smart allegory for femininity, intrinsically being closely associated with it by today’s society’s standards, so having his hair, a part of his body, cut is a metaphor for him choosing to reject his feminine side, a part of his identity.

“But if he liked being feminine, why did he cut his hair?” The reason is very simple: Femininity was not what was expected of a man. Subaru’s been specifically someone who lives for external validation and acceptance, and societal gender expectations didn’t allow for a boy to have long hair. While young it would be considered cute, as he grew up, it would be considered weird, and Subaru did not want that, wanting to present himself as masculine, to become a “real man”, as per those expectations. 

Hence why he also said that “nowadays, he would only feel comfortable as long as the back of his head felt jarring to the touch”, very interesting wording as “comfortable”, a positive adjective, is a direct antonym for “jarring”, a negative one. Calling the back of his hair, now short, “jarring to the touch”, even further suggests that he misses that long hair, which had been established to be an allegory for his femininity. He found comfort in something he does not like, which perfectly encapsulates his issue: In favor of expectations of being a man, he had literally cut off a part of himself. This is a topic that will be discussed later in the analysis.

Another reason would be that he grew up under Kenichi’s shadow, and being his “father’s son” had instilled a sense of superiority in him. In regards to Tappei’s method of writing, the wording used is extremely important, so it is crucial to notice that it’s not “child” that is used, but “son”. The same applies for his father. It’s not “Kenichi”, but “that man”, to the point that “Kenichi” and “man” are synonymous. 

This will be brought up again later, but the point here is that “son” is a male noun, and it’s part of the identity and expectations Subaru tried his hardest to fit in the entirety of his childhood, especially when Kenichi is brought up— The personification of masculinity. Being “that man’s son” did not allow for femininity. 

High School life

Long before he had gotten into high school, being “that man’s son” had become a curse to Subaru. So, with a new environment, he wanted to become something else entirely in a new world that did not see him as such… Literally.

He had taken up the part of himself he had cut off in his early childhood, the part of himself that had not been rejected, the part of himself that used to attract positive attention and validation in early youth. He wanted to escape being “that man’s son” to such a degree that he took up his femininity once more, presenting himself as a girl.

It is something he had genuinely enjoyed, and finally felt like he could enjoy school life after struggling to not stand out, to not get the attention and validation he was taught to crave throughout the entirety of middle school after the realization that he is nothing special, and out of shame, did not want that to be noticed. 

It is, ironically, his high school life he rarely speaks about even in the “Parent and Child” chapter, and it’s not unintentional— It’s only that part that gets quickly glossed over, treated as something unimportant in spite of him claiming in various side stories that it had been extremely traumatizing to the point of having been a major catalyst behind dropping out. Every time he almost talks about it, he stops himself from doing so and consciously blocks the memory. 

What we know is that he had enjoyed school life presenting himself as a girl for three days since the high school entrance ceremony, and on the third day, his voice had outed him as a boy, ruining everything and making him promise to himself he would never crossdress again (though it was broken). It is exactly this part that gets painfully obscured, refusing to talk about it whatsoever.

All of the context clues we have would be found in the “Natsuki Subaru’s Splendid Steward Life” SS, where he had been tricked to wear a maid outfit for an entire day. It was very interesting to read Subaru’s reaction to Emilia seeing him dressed up femininely, his inner thoughts spiraling from “Was the world out to get him?” to “He wanted to die”, “To move was death, to speak was death” and calling that situation a “fatal wound” that couldn’t be avoided.

Subaru was stated to hate wordings such as “it hurt so bad they could die” or anything of the sort that involved death, considering it an insult to the actual pain of death and death itself, something he had actually endured multiple times. And yet, he goes out of his way to compare this seemingly trivial situation to death FOUR times.

To continue, his feelings and expression were stated to start dying by the second until Emilia’s reply that did not bash him for the act of expressing his femininity in itself, but rather that the dress itself simply did not suit him, which shocked him. His immediate question was to make sure he wasn’t going to be labeled a pervert and yelled at, which I can only assume that something similar had happened in high school, judging by his reaction. Though taking into consideration his inability to reveal what happened, it’s likely something worse had occurred, especially since afterwards, he had been treated like thin air by his peers. 

But in essence, the world had not responded with love to his femininity, but with rejection and disdain. The self he had considered the most pure and innocent, cut off before being tainted, was deemed unacceptable. His entirety had been rejected by society from the world, ending up thinking that maybe he shouldn’t have existed at all.

The most interesting bit about his reaction, to me, however, was his high school experience being tied together in the same line of dialogue as “Now I’ll never get to be a bride! Emilia-tan, please say we can be married!”, breaking down into tears when he questioned Emilia about it. 

If you didn’t know, that line is a direct reference to the famous painting “I cannot be a bride anymore” by Yuko Tatsushima (1999), a very haunting piece of art depicting a woman in pain with a haunted and shocked look, considering herself undesirable as a bride after having her virginity, considered the groom’s prize to be taken, stolen away before marriage. It is not the first time Tappei linked Subaru to this specific painting, having done so once before in the Arc 2 WN when he had found out Emilia had changed his clothes while he slept with the implication that she had seen his naked body.

Any relevant details regarding his high school life had been relegated to side stories and Q&As and not the “Parent and Child” chapter itself considering that the whole thing was a confession to his father, and it is very likely that he did not want Kenichi to know about any of it, making this part of the chapter not 100% reliable. It is safe to assume that this event that had been blocked from his memory played a huge part in Subaru ending up stopping going to school, describing it as feeling exceptionally at ease, his school days being painful, along with wanting his parents to stop loving him, so he could be “set free”. 

Appearance

In the Arc 4 WN version of the “Parent and Child” chapter, Subaru had called himself “effeminate”, even going as far as calling himself a “creature” that did not deserve to be “Kenichi’s son”, openly believing that being feminine is in his nature to the point he couldn’t call himself a man (let alone a human. Another word for “human” would be “man”, so I think it makes up for very interesting wordplay here).

In a Q&A with Tappei, he had been asked what exactly made Subaru great at wearing women’s clothing, to which Tappei replied that his gestures perfectly replicated the ideal beauty standards for a japanese woman, even bringing up the proverb for them in Japanese culture: “She is beautiful who stands charmingly like a chinese peony, sits gorgeously like a moutan peony, and walks elegantly like a lily.” Suggesting that he was not only feminine in appearance, but also in gestures. Ironically, he effortlessly fulfilled the (beauty) expectations of a woman, but struggled meeting those of a man.

To support this, just a glance at his physique had Ram convinced that he would perfectly fit into Frederica’s clothes, normal men’s clothing not fitting him at all and needing modifications. His fingers had been described as slender multiple times, an adjective usually meant for female characters’ hands, and his face had also been described as being “suitable for makeup” on multiple occasions as well. 

Behavior

Subaru often displays traditionally feminine hobbies, such as sewing, embroidery and makeup, having fun designing dresses and/or decorating them, putting an emphasis on cuteness and beauty, even in IFs. His go-to patterns seem to be flower motifs, often associated with femininity.

His behavior is explicitly detached from masculinity, being quickly accepted among his female co-workers in Sloth IF for being different from all the other men and explicitly using the word “feminine” to describe him. (excuse the font…)

In the same manner, he’s accustomed to affixing feminine words to himself as a way of description, calling himself “motherly”, a “dancer girl”, “heroine” or a “girl in a knitting circle”. And naturally fitting in roles that would normally belong to women.

Struggles with traditional gender roles

The world of Re:Zero is patriarchal society where men are expected to be strong and reliable, with women relegated to support them. Multiple characters were shown to struggle in this kind of society in regards to their gender, such as Ferris, who, despite his appearance who had been described to “scream ‘girl’ at you”, at his core would rather prefer to be a masculine man, bemoaning his inability to serve as Crusch’s knight in the conventional sense, and disliking Subaru for being “weak” therefore “unmanly”, seeing the traits he sees in himself being reflected in Subaru, or Crusch, who had thrown away her femininity in order to take up the sword and her family.

To get back to the main point, in the world of Re:Zero, Subaru falls within stereotypically feminine roles, especially in the roles of being a support when he wishes to define himself as someone who “protects” or “attacks”, a traditionally masculine role, completely unsuited to him. This, ironically, is shown with his Authorities, who shape themselves after the user’s nature. 

Sloth: For Petelgeuse, it’s very strong; A danger. But for Subaru, he can only summon one, it’s very weak, and when used offensively, it has major consequences. But when used in moments of comfort when his own hands can’t reach, such as patting Joseph or wiping Beatrice’s tears, there was no considerable setback.

Greed: For Regulus, his Authority was so powerful and self-serving, it put him as one of the strongest characters in the story, someone not even Reinhard would be able to defeat by himself. Yet, for Subaru, it has no offensive potential, being an incredibly supportive ability instead, being able to take and share emotional, mental or physical burden from and to consenting allies, allowing Subaru to detect their location and their emotional states. With a big enough number, he could even make a near invincible army as long as he keeps himself awake, and on the other side of the coin, it has no use when he’s by himself.

To further highlight this, his love interest, Emilia, is the total opposite, easily performing typically masculine roles. She is one of the heavy-hitters of the camp, the leader of it and someone naturally gifted in combat who is capable of protecting others with her power, all the while being confident in her own femininity. 

He’s the one being saved (stereotypically feminine) when he wants to be the one who saves (stereotypically masculine), even if it’s something unsuited to him and something that actively destroys him. This is best portrayed through his acts of heroism and his obsession with saving everyone. Though this is largely attributed to his crippling fear of loss, this can be also analyzed from a gender perspective.

Being a hero largely involves masculine attributes, and so it is an identity Subaru wants to confidently define himself by, even though it is something that actively harms him in the long run, slowly, but surely, killing his heart. Heroism is largely portrayed through a negative lens in Re:Zero, Tappei outright stating that Greed IF Subaru had become a “hero” who is capable of saving everything after losing his own heart, Arc 4 Subaru actively struggling with the identity of a hero Rem had given him throughout the events and at times even considering it a curse.

Tappei himself portrays heroism as a masculine activity for him, putting Subaru’s identity as Natsumi in anti-thesis with Subaru’s identity as a hero.

Natsumi Schwartz, personification of Subaru’s femininity

As an introduction, “Natsumi Schwartz” is the name Subaru’s female identity goes under, a result of Subaru pushing away all of his femininity under the existence of one alter ego that embodies it. After all, he has a complex about it due to it being rejected by society, but it is not something he himself dislikes.

Studying the etymology of the name, “Natsumi” is solely written in katakana (ナツミ) so there is no fixed or traditional meaning, but a common and possible meaning for it would be “Beautiful Summer”, and the last name “Schwartz” is “Black” in german, originally a nickname for someone with black hair. 

Together, it could be read as “Beautiful Black Summer”, which is an interesting play of words since black is closely associated with darkness, while summer is associated with light. Summer can also be associated with warmth and freedom, which could track to his femininity being used as an outlet to escape expectations whenever they get too suffocating. 

Natsumi even behaves in an uninhibited manner that’s unlike the behavior Subaru normally displays, further portraying the feeling of “freedom’, to the point Otto remarked that Subaru might not even respond to his real name anymore while having such a good time as Natsumi in the “The Three Idiots Set Out! The Cursed Goddess Statue Episode” post-Arc 4 SS.

The “Beautiful” part tracks to Natsumi being incredibly beautiful, followed by Subaru’s belief that “Beauty can be made”, a desire for Subaru to imagine himself as most beautiful while embracing his femininity, normally considering himself to be physically unattractive.

Crossdressing is Subaru’s hobby, but it is not just a hobby– Natsumi is a very real identity for Subaru and taken extremely seriously by him, just like the identity of a hero he keeps holding onto. He puts his everything into it, because he loves being Natsumi, a persona born from his rejected femininity. Unlike the identity of being “that man’s son” or the identity of being “Rem’s Hero” where his femininity wasn’t allowed, the identity of Natsumi Schwartz allows him to fully embrace it as he could freely disregard and hide the parts of him that expected masculinity. He even went through the extra effort to train his voice to sound like a woman’s.

What also differentiates “Natsumi Schwartz” from the other two is that it is the only identity out of the three that Subaru created himself and effortlessly embraced without having to suffer for it. “Natsuki Kenichi’s son” was an identity imposed by societal expectations that slowly crushed him as he grew up, and “Rem’s Hero” was an identity imposed by Rem that gave him something to like about himself at the cost of his own sanity. The two of them are products of what other people wanted from Subaru, while Natsumi is something Subaru is perfectly comfortable with as it is his own creation and born from a part of him that existed from the very start, something that doesn’t require him to spill blood and/or tears for, its only downside being that it is very susceptible to rejection by the outside world. 

This gets further exemplified by Subaru excusing that he “did not have time to change back” when asked by multiple people why he hadn’t, even though the other two guys who had crossdressed with him had plenty of time to do so. Even later when leaving for Chaosflame, he excused keeping up the identity by having to hide his real name.

Natsumi Schwartz even ends up taking the role of being Subaru’s idealized self. She’s beautiful, confident, self-reliant and intelligent, things he fully believes he’s not. Subaru feels confident as Natsumi, but it’s not actual confidence— It’s trust in the ideal self he created for himself, trust in the parts of himself he always rejected, channeled through this persona. 

And yet, he wouldn’t acknowledge that Natsumi is all of these things he envisions as “ideal” simply because what Natsumi is made up of is also what Subaru is made up of, as she was born out of the feminine traits he tried to cut out of himself, those same traits that were once terribly rejected by those around him, as they did not fit their idea of who and what Subaru should be.

In truth, he does like being feminine, he likes being beautiful, he likes makeup, he likes dressing up, he likes having long hair, but he does not allow this part of him to surface unless it’s through Natsumi, the manifestation of everything that he’s taught he shouldn’t be.

This is a joke btw

and sometimes they come back when you least expect it, years later, even, and there's this sudden rush of relief like there you are, there you are, even though you barely knew each other.

there's a strange kind of love to it. i don't know you and i want to hold your hand across miles and time zones and oceans. i can still see the imprint of you in this community you left. you don't anyone will notice or care when you're gone, but we notice and we care and we wish you well.

This is a joke btw

Sakura Haruka had a rough childhood. It’s obvious to anyone that has met him before, from his quick temper to his brash attitude, he just screams "No one has ever loved me." His problem child ways were obvious, but nothing could have prepared anyone for the exact details of the devastating reality of his past.

As a preschool teacher of 7+ years I saw Sakura take on a sisyphean journey and succeed.

Through his own grit and will Sakura rolled his great boulder up and up and up the hill. When you expect the boulder to roll back down, to fall back to the dark and woeful pit it came from, Sakura digs in his heels and keeps pushing.

It's painful, it's a little wrong, but he gets there.

And just as he gets to the top, before the weight and gravity inevitably takes its toll, Furin steps in and saves Sakura from his cyclic fate.

Like Umemiya said, he's an amazing strong person.

As something that falls very neatly into my personal wheelhouse I can think of no better way to celebrate Sakura's birthday and the 5th anniversary of the manga than to tell everyone all the ways Sakura was fucked from the beginning.

it's so bad y'all

So if you want to join me, buckle up and get comfortable because I read through pages and pages of a report on the alternative care system in Japan, actual legalese, and a shit ton of studies.

tl;dr His childhood environment has put him at such a developmental disadvantage that his current emotional intelligence is nothing short of a miracle.

Also I know the newest chapter is absolutely insaneo but walk with me on this for a bit then we can go back to whatever the fuck that chapter was

Anyway let's begin *cracks knuckles*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early  astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.  nasa employee: what?  astronaut: *loading a pistol* moon’s stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this won’t be enough. nasa employee: enough for…what? astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* don’t worry about it!

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early  astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop. nasa employee: what?  astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early  astronaut:   oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.  nasa employee: what?  astronaut: what?  nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say?  astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told you…moon’s stuck in a time loop. *red warning lights begin flashing*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early  astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.  nasa employee: what?  astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early  astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.  nasa employee: what?  astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? i’m starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it* nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we don’t have food in here…we can’t…eat in the control room, only the break-room. astronaut: *sighs* nasa employee:…my lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo- astronaut: nah, that’s ok…no time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* or…too much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye! *alarm begins blaring* nasa employee: you’re…welcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!