afraid & happy

it's called a ball python because it is a python(🐍) that ball(🟠)

They’re making a day when things can be better and they’re calling it tomorrow

as a human my ideal way to die would be something quick and painless in a national park at a very old age. as a bug my ideal way to die would be being accidentally crushed by a little girl playing outside and cried over and buried with a leaf headstone

unclean = adj. of or pertaining to uncles

this used to be the oldest bar in texas until they built an older one

I actually love the song Yankee Doodle because the lyrics seem like complete fucking nonsense to modern ears. you hear it as a kid and it's like oh dope the Wiggles made a sequel to Jabberwocky. but you look it up and "Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni" is actually 18th century British for "Americans all want to be hipster twinks but they're too poor and stupid to do it right." and to top it off Americans in general were just like "this is unironically a bop"

y'know i don't really love how people use "butch" interchangeably with "handy"

*north american approaching lesbian couple* so which one of you is useful and which one of you is the woman

"Clearly I wasn't talking about disabled people-" yeah part of the problem is that the existence of disabled people just isn't considered in your worldview like that's the problem we're criticizing not a get out of jail free card

the principal aim of lying is to accomplish your goal in as few lies as possible, and with the least amount of effort necessary to keep those lies going. It follows naturally that the world’s greatest liar speaks only the truth.

if you love someone enough you should be able to hug them really tight and pop into the same body as them and never have to leave like its aristophanes's myth of the spherical human

post cancelled i just reinvented steven universe

had a dream i walked up to a food stall and they tried to sell me 3 takoyaki for $130 and i was so mad that i woke myself up before completing the transaction. idiot lost their customer to the waking world lol. charge less next time.

ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today i would like to present a bold, feminist reimagining of the evidence you've seen presented against my client

Most annoying online emotion is "I have a funny personal anacdote to add to this but it doxxes like all of my personal information"