spilt words

6 Years Later. Hi.

I have known you since we were 11 years old; we're 17 now. I didn't realize how blinded I was by the lack of nothing that was us. We never dated, never had a fling.. none of that. The only thing we both knew was that there was something there and there will always be something there. It's always complicated explaining to people about us because they don't fully understand. Heck, I sometimes don't understand myself. Everyone that knew always asked me if I loved you. My answer was always "Love is a strong word." which it is, and I don't use it lightly. They reword themselves by replacing 'Love' with words like 'Fancy', 'Enjoy', 'Like', even though I know they never believed me when I said I didn't love you. I was telling the truth and I still am. I don't love you and I never have. I can't love someone whom I never dated nor had anything real with. I can't love someone or grow to love someone who can't figure out their feelings or know what they want. I never loved you, I just really liked you. Besides, I think I'm way too young to know what love is. I know, you're a 17 year old guy. A lot of boys this age just wants to have fun and live before they get into a fully committed relationship. I know that. But don't show me that you care, don't make me feel like a kid on christmas day every damn day and don't look at me like..like that. Don't fucking do that to me. When you left for all those months, I felt like something had been ripped out of me. Every other boy I talked to, I never got those giddy butterflies like I did for you, I didn't feel nervous, I didn't feel anything. You were the first person to ever made me feel that way and then I stressed myself out by thinking what if I never have those feelings ever again? Then I got mad at myself because it was my fault. My fault for having feelings for you, my fault for falling for you without knowing that you can't make up your mind and figure out what you want and what you feel and if I was worth it. But I knew; I made up my mind, I figured out how I felt and you were so fucking worth it. I know I'm a "stupid" teenager and yes, I can be naive but I was never sure about anything, but I was sure about you. I was definitely wrong, but don't fucking do that to me... why did you do that to me? All of your friends talked to me, you know. Telling me the reason why you're not taking us being nothing to something is because you genuinely have feelings but you don't want to hurt me. So you don't do anything, so you go and do God knows what with someone else. Your intentions for me might of been real but that hurts a hell of a lot more. That fucking hurts because I would rather have you break my fucking heart by being mine rather than you breaking my fucking heart seeing you with someone else. You don't know how many times I tried to get over everything that happened but when things are going fine and I start feeling okay, you come back. Every damn time.

There will always be that one person that will make your heart skip two beats and that one person that made you feel those giddy butterflies in your stomach and the only one that could make you blush. There will always be that one person who will always have a special place in your heart for that will never truly go away. There will be that one person you will always be reminded of when you drive pass the place you first met and another where your first date was. You will miss planning your future together and playfully picking out paint colours and arguing about baby names. There will be days when you miss seeing their family because they were like your own since yours are never really there for you. You will miss their voice, oh god you will miss their voice and how reassuring it was. You will miss the little crinkle in their eyes whenever they laughed a bit too hard. You will miss all the times you spent together, the good and the bad; then smile because even after everything you two still worked out. Well, for a little while anyway. You will miss them. So much. It's okay to think about them sometimes. It's okay to cry sometimes. It's okay. Just remember that you are going to be okay.

Do you believe in revenge

Are you happy?

Love the way you write. It seems like is coming from the bottom of your heart. You must be a hopeless romantic just like me. Keep up the good work.

I don’t want to hurt you. I’m scared knowing I might hurt you so mentally and emotionally that you can never see love the same way again. I care too much about you and that is why I have to let go. To let go of us. And I hope you do the same. You might be wondering that if I care so much why don't I just stick around and try harder. You deserve the world and I don’t even think I gave you a fraction of it. You deserve so much more. It’s so cliché, but it’s true. Hey, don’t cry.. I’ll always love you, I’ll always care about you, I’ll always be there if you need me. The timing might be wrong right now but maybe one day we’ll be better for each other. You don’t have to believe me when I say this but, I’m doing this for you.

I regret not telling you goodbye.