hey look I'm on tumblr still. haven't made a post on here in literally like 4 years. anyway I wanted to talk to the void for a while so here's something I'm pasting in under a readmore. ppl still do that right
the last couple days (yesterday and the day before) I skipped taking my meds bc I had run out of one of them (I take two different ones that, frustratingly, are on different refill cycles). I had put in a request for a refill over the phone thru the pharmacy's automated system (which sucks ass btw, it frequently fails to recognize my prescriptions even tho I know for sure that they're in the database), I had mentioned it directly to my physician who handles my medications currently, and I even went in person to the pharmacy yesterday. however, when I went in person I was tired from the day's events and misremembered which medication I had run out of. the person I talked to was unusually nice and eager to help fast track the order but I didn't realize my mistake until I got home later. at that point I was already starting to experience withdrawal effects, and I decided (or maybe just accepted) that I wasn't capable of doing any more.
now, today, I discovered that at some point I had already gotten a refill of this medication, and it had just ended up hidden in plain sight on my desk, next to a hundred other things I told myself not to forget. so, for now, everything's fine and the issue is resolved, but I really can't help thinking that eventually I'll get into a similar situation and there won't be something that bails me out. this wasn't the first time I'd gone through something like this, and I highly doubt it will be the last. next time, will I simply wallow and continuously get worse while my suffering itself is holding me back? I don't like thinking about it. I don't like being reminded of my own helplessness and ineptitude, but it also feels like I can't avoid being reminded of it with every action I manage to struggle through.
lately I've been suicidal again, feeling the impulse almost every day. I tell people who ask that I have no plan because it's mostly true, but also because I know with near absolute certainty that if I came across a bit too strong I would be hospitalized and lose my personal freedom - maybe forever, if I don't improve, or if I'm not willing to lie. I also often consider whether inpatient hospitalization could be good for me, but I can't help thinking I would lose access to the few things I enjoy and which essentially keep me alive, so I refuse for now. I've been told that I should try to instill in myself a sense of urgency, that I should work on improvement not just in the nebulous future, but right now. currently, all I'm focused on is minimizing my day to day discomfort until I inevitably give up and finally die.
I'm writing this on my phone in the notes app, while lying in bed, which is pretty unusual for me. I've been overtaken by some kind of exhaustion today, possibly due to having a stressful day yesterday combined with the whole medication near-disaster. my eyes ache to be shut and resting, so I can't even escape and do what I normally enjoy.
I think about HRT really often these days, but with each time I'm reminded of my own inability to provide care for myself and maintain even the most basic medication schedule, it makes me afraid of potential mistakes that seem all too likely right now. it's almost unbelievable that I've been languishing like this, fantasizing about something I feel I couldn't maintain, for roughly 8+ years at this point. half the days feel a lot like this, but I still can't bring myself to make things better.
