In light of this post recently starting to get notes again, thought Iād say something.
Its been a year and eight months since I made this post. Almost two years. I was thirteen, or barely fourteen. I wasnāt even in high school yet. Literal infant, I wasnāt even a freshman yet. The awkward in-between middle school and high school jump. I guess thatās a weird place for anyone, but it was a really weird place for a thirteen year old trans boy who had known who he was for a year before he actually came out. Who had just come out, in the eighth grade in the south with no backup from home. Iām literally shivering remembering.
As you can see from the above post, it was not a fun time. Sure, I knew I was a boy, but that was about all I knew. I was clinging to gender roles, desperate to pass and to be what society decided along the way a boy should be. Convinced that I wouldnāt count if I wasnāt head to toe masculine, if I stepped outside of any roles.
Honestly? With the constant criticism and being thirteen-or-barely-fourteen, I was kinda scared I was wrong. That maybe people were right about being trans, that maybe I was a delusional little girl.
Its sad to say that that was how I felt. Its sad to remember feeling like that. Hating every part of myself so thoroughly, being so obsessed with being the kind of trans boy that would count. Thinking my validity was based on how cis I looked or acted, thinking my value lied in how well I passed, how traditionally masculine I was.
But itās almost two years later now, and Iām pretty fucking stoked to say that Iām more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been.
Iām not a crazy masculine boy. I wear makeup sometimes. My hair falls into my face and yeah, I look soft. My eyes are big, and Iāve got long eyelashes. I think itās cute.
Canāt say I feel any better about my chest, honestly, but my body as a whole? Iām as comfortable with it as I can be. Iāve come to terms. I think thatās important. I think everyone should be allowed to love themself as well as they can, and I think that trans people arenāt an exception.
Iām a boy. I have a vagina. That doesnāt make me less of a boy, and I donāt have to hate every feminine characteristic I possess in order to be a real boy. Everyoneās goal should be to become comfortable in their own skin.
Iām not a boy even though I have a vagina. My biology doesnāt contradict my gender. Iām just a boy with a vagina. And as soon as we stop treating that like itās unusual, the sooner trans people can stop feeling unusual.
I have dysphoria still, of course. but honestly itās a completely different kind of dysphoria. I love myself. I think Iām cute, even if I have my off days. Iām trans and Iām comfortable with that, I wouldnāt want to be any other way than how I am. And Iām still a boy.
The kind of dysphoria I get comes from everyone treating being transgender as some bizarre-o thing. When I canāt find any trans pride because trans kids all hate themselves, because theyāre told they have to be a certain way to be valid, because theyāre put to impossible standards that they canāt reach because they arenāt cis. And because they arenāt cis, naturally they arenāt normal.
I get dysphoria from people telling me that Iām just pretending, from people telling me Iām aĀ ācross-dresserā or aĀ āgirl that wants to be a boyā or that I need to take a biology class. My dysphoria comes in the form of rage, of hot frustration that I canāt be myself for twenty-four hours, that I canāt just exist without being interrogated. Deadnames from all sides. Ignorant people trying to educate me.
Getting crushes on cute boys that never work because theyāre transphobic, either openly or subconsciously, subtly.
I can do it, though. It sucks. But I can do it. Iāve grown strong in myself. I can handle it if need be. And I do have support.
But read the original post again. What really pisses me off, more than anything, is that even if Iām out of that mindset, not every trans kid is. There are thirteen-or-barely-fourteen year old trans kids going through exactly what I was going through, and they might not be able to take it.
Our trans kids hate themselves, and we think thatās fine. We donāt tell trans kids that its okay to love themselves. I hate that.
Iām a boy. Yeah, my voice is high. Iām a singer. I can hit notes the other guys canāt. Yeah, my eyes are big. Theyāre blue, theyāre sometimes green, and I think theyāre pretty. Iām small, but thatās okay. One day Iāll have a boyfriend and thatāll make it so much easier for him to hold me.
Iām trans, and thatās awesome. Iām trans, and I donāt hate myself for it. And Iām rooting for every trans kid that still does. I hope you all can get through it, can figure out who you are and how you want to be.
To the me that wrote that post two years ago, it gets better. Youāll be okay one day. And I have no doubt that weāll keep getting better.
And to everyone whoās been reblogging this post, who can relate to the boy that wrote it: Iām proud of all of you. And I believe in you. Itās gonna get better. You donāt have to imitate being cis to be real. You can be however you are, with no pressure from either side whatsoever.
