In the time of a summer expected to be full of cryptic happenings from the American duo twenty one pilots, a month after they released their first single off of their eighth studio album Breach. The band shared the official tracklist along with a few seconds worth of previews for each song. Leaving fans to predict which of the thirteen would rip their hearts out upon first listen, what they would resonate with based off the title, and the lyrics we were left to ponder over. I remember saying in a comment section on Instagram RAWFEAR, Downstairs, and Cottonwood would surely be the tracks for me and me alone.
Being able to play these songs back now as I am creating this gifset, writing out a separate personal caption with Cottonwood playing, feels unreal. I miss the anticipation Breach had brought, the Blurryface tweets, the excitement over my first show last October. I had so much look forward to. A year later in another pilots summer chock full of festivals, I can't help but feel torn. I feel as though I might never get to experience such an era again. Not because I believe the band is ending, only because this was the first album of theirs I was lucky enough to catch in time, right before the lore was coming to an end. These days I look back in time, I have suffered grief right after my first show. The loss of a loved one, losing a best friend, the closeness I can never quite get back, how affected I have become in the simplest of conversations with anyone. The anxiety wedged in my throat. I have lost security, have felt closer to the band than I ever have, and moved forward on my own. Sometimes I wish I didn't. I do not know why I survived all of this only to remain afraid of certain changes in myself and in the people I wish to befriend. Was it worth all the heartache? I am unsure of the answer to the question. I cried listening to the previews again, had to wait to come back to this. I love what this album brought, even if it was riddled with pain.
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