spes-elpis

I think that's exactly whats happened to Max. i love him sooooooooooooo much but i also am starting to think more of how i want to be a stay at home mom who home schools her children and takes care of a small farm. all that traditional family life costs STABILITY. and money, sadly, is the root of everything. i don't ever want to hold money over anything, because i believe life and relationships and experiences are worth so much more. but i also know the reality of it being, you need money to do all those things. i want my kids to experience different cultures and travel to beautiful natural places but that costs money. i hate that money has such a horrible hold. i grew up with no money so no real way to adventure and fly free like ive always wanted, like i would in my books. i don't want my kids to feel trapped like that. i don't want them to just explore from a book, but also out there where people and nature are.

okay so this is gonna be a couple parts or a long post. last week was a whirlwind. monday morning i drove my mom and aunt from CA to AZ to visit some family. we were supposed to leave on wednesday, but as we were saying our last goodbyes and literally walking to the car to start our trip home. my aunt who is 69yrs old, misstepped on the stairway and fell and rolled. my mom screamed like someone got shot and my cousins and i rushed over to my aunt. we took her to the ER at 13:00 and got poor service all the way till we were finally discharged at 23:00. she had fallen on her hip, side, and head. looked like she sustained a slight concussion, smashed her side, and dislocated her hip. after a few xrays and checks, turns out she cracked 3 ribs, and heavily bruised her hip.

damn i better start losing weight....

last night i had a kinda bad dream. so not really bad nor was it a nightmare, it just kinda sucked. i was getting bagged on by my whole family. just comments and judgements about me and everything about me. i feel like i have to be this perfect thing for everyone and if i deviate, even a little bit, im a selfish bitch. but that's how i felt a lot when i was younger. where as now, i realize i don't care because it really doesn't matter and it doesn't make any sense to let others dictate everything about you and your own world and how you live. Mac has really helped me realize this for myself. instead of thinking oh i shouldn't be like this” or “oh i have to do that or else they will blah blah” i should instead think “its okay that i don't agree with her” or “its okay to say no i don't want to do that”. so that weird and suckish dream i had is kinda funny being awake. though im still not immune to hurt feelings from being verbally picked on everything about me. i can at least move forward and i can be happy and okay with MY choices and MY actions.

the past three or four days has been fun. went to the mountains and went on two different alpine coasters, drove mini carts, and got high and played mini golf all at this small vacation village. then went to a small little zoo they had and in the middle of this summer heat it started drizzling. so it smelled like wet bears and eagles. but it was cool. then yesterday we went to a 100 acre railroad museum and got a tour and got to go into some train cars. then for lunch we had a little tailgate picnic with sandwiches and ALOT of water. it was fun but it was also 108 degree weather. we were melting. we were there for the first half of the day so it was about 13:00 when we were on the way home. as we got comfortable in the air conditioned car we remembered the air force museum we passed on the way there. so on a whim we pulled off into that museum and spent the rest of the day there. luckily most of the museum was inside a giant flight hanger, but when we went to their plane displays outside. IT WAS SO HOTT. we had several frozen liter bottles that melted while we walked and drank but it still wasn't enough water. i may have suffered a small heat stroke towards the end while we were walking back to the car. there were even a few times i dumped the water on my body and walked through sprinklers to help. once we got into the air conditioned car, i realized i would die in the desert. my genes were just not meant to survive in the extremely dry desert heat. on the upside it was fun and since we went in the middle of the week during the day while the sun was nuking everything, there weren't many visitors. at the railway museum we were the only guests, and at the air force museum there may have been only two or three other families there. it was nice for us. Mel loved both museums cause he’s super into trains and planes. he can name any plane or train there and can give a mini history on it. hell, he knew more than the tour guide at the railroad museum. i spoiled him a bit with some train memorabilia and an astronaut ice ream at the air force gift shop. downside is i forgot my engagement ring at home the whole day. the first time i’ve ever gone out without it on. but that whole day was nice. i love going on road trip adventures with him. it just feels...right. not just perfect; not just nice; just right.

anyways. im gonna try to write a bit more in this journal of mine. i know i missed a whole month lol maybe i can go into actually writing in a physical journal. although this one will definately stand the test of time....right?

everyone’s been nostalgic lately. i am no exception. ive been listening to this youtubers videos and it puts me back to that time when i was a child hopeful that magic was real and there was a possibility i could go to Narnia or be Posiedon’s daughter or go on an adventure to save the world. imagination and ideas were so plentiful back then. the hope was real and now i seem to have left it in the past. growing up to survive in the “real world”. having adult issues and sobering situations. growing up an only child, with my dad encouraging my imagination i had the whole world at my feet. the wonders of new discoveries and comforts of new friends was so, so so much more different than today. i always thought id travel the world and experience new places and cultures. i thought id backpack it or live and travel out of my car to go on adventures of a lifetime. i had hoped to meet someone on my travels and eventually have a nice house with friends to invite over and children to raise and have adventures with. i guess when you're smaller and everything is new in such a big world, you're more susceptible to hope for a fantastic life and future full of wonder. sometimes i feel remnants of that feeling, but its become far and few between now. “adulting” and living in the “real” world has put a damper on things. when before my world was full of colors so bright and beautiful is now faded and dull with a hint of sunlight every so often. id definitely say that as much as ive tried to not let this world shrink my heart and child hopes, ive lost. my heart tore so many times that ive got a “chip on my shoulder”. one is especially trust. you cant trust anyone. NOBODY. to trust is to confirm hurt and betrayal. i slowly started to learn that theres really only one person you can trust: yourself. of course i learned too late that my father was one i could trust. after he died i realized i took him for granted. i thought our time together would be so much longer that it was. thankfully he left me with my one and only best friend and fiance. the only other person i can trust. and even then somewhere inside me, i expect him to betray that trust. even with that he has helped me heal. the broken heart i had, is now only scars and bits of my childhood hope has come back. i just hope that i can get closer to my childhood hope again. this time with a companion to accompany me on our adventures.

today i received flowers for my birthday! its not my birthday today but i lied on facbok when i first opened an account and never corrected it. they were a surprise from my exboyfriend’s family. it was sweet. also i didn't come on here to write about it, but WE GOT ENGAGED! that's right! EXboyfriend now fiance! he proposed to me at a scenic spot by the cliffs of a beach! and it was beautiful! he actually proposed to me last month on the 15th. its a perfect date that he chose intentionally, knowing i like specific dates. it was nice. we ate at CPK beforehand and had the worst server ever. but it was funny because another server stepped in to help us. anyway afterward, we drove to the cliffs and as i was facing the waves he had gotten down on one knee and as i turned to make a joke about farting, i stood in shock repeating “no way” in an excited-cant-believe-its-finally-happening type way. before my eyes instantly started tearing up, i was able to take a picture of the moment in my mind to keep forever. his eyes and face held hope excitement and the most love ive ever seen on someone. and that love was for me. something i never thought was possible. im sure he wanted to say more but he himself was excited. i cried waterfalls as i nodded yes to him and hugged him. at first i wasn't sure what to do next but put the ring on my finger. which, lemme tell ya, it sparkled in the sun like fairy dust shaped into a glittering gold and moissanite sunflower. my favorite flower of all time. everything was so nice the only thing that dampened the mood was the realization that i couldn't call my dad and tell him the happy news that hes wanted to hear since we had started dating 4 years ago. anyway i know Fiance doesn't like talking about wedding stuff as it is “a woman's sort of thing” so i told him to let me know when hes ready to discuss the wedding and date and all that it entails we can talk about it. he agreed. well its been over a month now and we still haven't discussed the wedding. not even a date or a location. and to top that off as of today it has been about 3 weeks since we last had intimacy. im both excited for our future yet stuck in the same old stuff just now without intimacy. i dont think this is going to lead to disaster, but it definitely isnt an ideal situation.