Soundlessly Unhinged ©

  So, I have been M.I.A. on here for 3 months or so. 

It’s been intense. However I’ve been pretty good mentally. Still have my days/weeks but I’m still managing well despite my intense weekly schedule. My alcoholism still isn’t great, I’m working on it.  I’ve been seeing my psychologist only once a month again. And it’s been 2 years now since my official diagnosis. I both can’t believe how fast and slow these 2 years have been.

 I’m tapering off my SSRIs again, doing so without consulting my doc or psych but they’re fully aware that I had plans to do so again. My psych had reservations when I mentioned that last session. If I were to be honest, besides feeling like I’m well enough to not have them, I’m tampering off because having one less medication will make dating a fraction easier. 

I’ve also decided to move out of home and go rent somewhere by myself as I’ve come to realise my mental health is getting affected by my dwindling relationships between family and me. It’s nothing big just I’m 25 yo so I need to get my own space.

 I’m still struggling to help my family understand Bipolar and other issues. It’s very trying and conversations from their questions to me have triggered me a number of times. But I’m continually trying to understand that they are still learning. It doesn’t help that I’m one of those “suck it up and deal with it myself” kind of people. I hate opening up.

 My work has been as stressful as ever! Beside the obvious lack of acknowledgment of my seniority (AKA I’m overdue for a promotion). I’ve started to learn a lot of new techniques and skills, as well as taking more management tasks. So I’m feeling quite wiped out this saturday (but still good mentally).  I also get up at 4:30 to go to the gym at 6am and start work 7:30am - 3:30pm with 30mins more of the gym at lunchtime (5 days a week). Then head home and start studying.

Life is pretty hectic. But I’m learning to know my cues as to when I need to slowdown, skip gym, go for a drive or sleep longer on the weekends. I do need to keep up to date with my journalling– at least my physical journal I read during therapy. I must say though, gym has been great and I love going so often. I feel more mentally and physically strong. It’s a great addition to my medication, routine and professional help.

I’ve also started to explore my sexuality a bit more. I’m most definitely Pansexual but I’ve never dated another women. This will be something I’ll explore more once I move out.

Now it’s 5am and I have to go to work. Fuck you to the people who say addiction is a choice and not a disease.

AND just to assure you… No I’m not having a manic/hypomanic episode. :-)