Alchemy

I think I must have been really anxious about it because I woke up with a headache that still won’t go away despite taking two Tylenol.

All is well. They found nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I forgot because I’ve been under the impression I was rounding up to 5’10” all my life. I’ve actually been rounding down.

Well it makes sense. People always clock me at six feet tall, so I guess I’m just under that. The actual measurement was 5’ 10.75”. Well at least the size of my feet make more sense now.

“I learned that friendships are not meant for venting about life's problems : they are about positivity and having fun. So I no longer vent to "friends", I only speak positivity. I vent to my therapist and minister.”

And I’ll say it really resonated with me. And made me think of one friend in particular who uses me (and others) as a means to process her thoughts.

It. Is. Exhausting.

I can sit there for two hours and say nothing other than the occasional mm-hm and she will just talk and talk and examine in infinite detail every minuscule thought she has. And the she will circle back to the same point several times because she spends so much time in her head that she loops and obsesses and gets stuck on the same thing to the point where I have had to literally ban her from bringing certain things up because she can’t stop rolling them over in her mind out loud.

And the conclusion, well I’d written a lot of it in notes here and there jotting down points I wanted or remember to make. And I guess after writing the whole thing it wasn’t that difficult to actually state what I wrote about and summarize my findings.

Damn.

I’ve written it in parts and I have to put it together. I also have e to send it to my advisor who I’m sure is going to rip it apart. But hey at least at this point I’m doing editing and not writing anymore.

Phew.

We got home and un-packed and Rex left for work. I was exhausted and pretty much useless for the rest of the day. My energy levels aren’t back to normal in any way, and it constantly surprises me. I got through chemo and radiation with what I understand to be a pretty minimal amount of side effects, considering what I hear it’s like for others who go through the same type of treatment. So I often forget that I’m actually still healing.

The biggest issue is my stamina. Unlike what many seem to experience, which is a constant state of low-level tiredness, I feel fine, and quite energetic on a daily basis. However once I exert myself my energy runs out quickly. It’s like having a battery than drains fast. When we were packing up the car to go, after two trips up and down the stairs (carrying stuff) I was out of breath, sweating, and had to sit down to catch myself. My battery fills back up pretty quickly, I don’t stay tired. But by the end of the day I’ll be ready to pack it up a lot earlier than I would have before.

We went to Buccoo Beach, our favourite and the water was calm and glassy. It’s always beautiful and never crowded. After spending a year and a half avoiding the sun, it was wonderful to feel the heat on my face. And the swim worked up an appetite!

We’re in Tobago for the next few days.

The ferry ride over here was hellish because the weather was rough and I got motion sickness.

I forgot the house has no AC and I’ve never stayed here at this time of year. It’s hot as hell.

We brought Rex’s 17 year old son with us (there’s an event for teens happening for the next few days). I wish I knew as much as he does. He knows everything, lol.

I’m really happy to be here in spite of the AC situation. We both really, really needed a break. And I needed to get off of Trinidad.

We haven’t even been to the beach yet. I’ll go tomorrow. I can finally go in the sun again!*

Apparently it’s a common thing with artists that paint people. As soon as the AI sees a bit of skin (in this case a shoulder) it flags it.

I’m pissed, even though I don’t really have much to post. It’s not like I get a ton of traction (I’ve had a few videos go viral but I have a very small account) but it’s demoralizing to see no views on a video. I guess the best thing to do is just leave it alone for now.

We had lunch at a seaside restaurant and at the end of the meal, my sister and I split a Grand Marnier crème brûlée.

We still talk about it all these decades later, it was so delicious.

I’ve made crème brûlée a few times over the years, but today I decided to try adding Grand Marnier. I also used the best vanilla extract I have that I keep at the back of the cupboard and use sparingly.

Y’all?

It’s insane how good that tasted.

I just popped them into the oven.