Alchemy

They do it to address asymmetry from surgery, and also because it’s easier to detect disease in smaller breasts. They often do it during the lumpectomy but my surgeon didn’t do reductions.

He shows me one of my mom (Gigi to him) and he asks me who are two other women in the picture.

“Those are Gigi’s sisters. Did you know Gigi has two sisters?”

The look of surprise on his face.

“You mean I have two other Gigi’s!?”

I laughed and nodded my head.

And while his reaction was cute, it sort of saddened me that he doesn’t know my aunts and uncles.

Then again I didn’t know my parents’ aunts and uncles all that well either. They were around, but I didn’t really have much of a relationship with them. I guess that’s normal.

And she’s reached her threshold now.

Today it was about the Brillo pad she was using. “Look at the poor quality. This clearly didn’t come from the States because it’s rusting.”

Also she was bitching about the quality of the Earl Grey tea in the supermarket.

Yesterday it was something else. The day before another thing.

“This is why I can’t live here. In the States-” and then a litany of complaints about everything about Trinidad.

I get really tired of it. How can you compare the States to Trinidad??? We’re not the US. You didn’t just arrive here. This isn’t a surprise that we’re less developed and the standards are different.

She does this every single time. I honestly don’t even know why she comes back here.

Anyway thankfully she’s leaving next week. She’s already complaining about the airport.

She’s going in for a biopsy on Monday, the same day I have my last visit with my oncologist.

I told her I’ll go check on her. She’ll be in a different building at the same hospital.

I messaged her tonight to ask how she’s feeling (emotional and anxious) and gave her some reassurance. I’m hoping for the best, but should it turn out to be the worst, I told her that I was here for her. We’re not close, but we’ve always gotten along well.

I went to watch this movie with Gary tonight called Obsession. It’s a horror/thriller and when I tell y’all it was sooooo good? At one point there was this jump scare and I almost ended up in Gary’s lap. I was clutching his hands and grimacing. We couldn’t stop laughing at our reactions when we got out.

We ended up blabbing in his car for hours after, went to get gas, came back and blabbed some more.

After I took a shower and settled into bed I saw an email from my oncologist. She confirmed the results of my scan:

It’s starting to sink in.

I’M CANCER FREE!!!!!

I'm not a medical expert but basically, it says no evidence of recurrence or spread.

I'm in the clear.

I felt like crying when I read it, but the tears wouldn't really come.

And now I sort of don't feel anything.

There's a lot of endings happening right now, and I think I'm just having trouble wrapping my mind around it.

I'm gonna go catch a movie with my buddy Gary tonight and blow off some steam. That's a nice way to celebrate.

I think I won't properly exhale until I see my doctor on the 15th.

And I’m like

Cause the way I can’t stand anyone to be in the kitchen when I’m cooking.

Like right now I’m on the porch waiting for my mom to get out of there so I can finish making dinner.

My last turn came up.

Her final score was 340. I was at 269.

And I had a shot at a 3W tile.

And I had the tiles to spell “Quinoa”

And the Q landed on a 2L tile.

I hit enter and BOOM!

80 points.

Final score: 347 to 340

I beat her by 7 points.

I just burst out laughing. I can’t believe I won. She was ahead of me the WHOLE GAME.

Talk about lucky

I have no memory of doing all of this, mind you. I must have done it about a month ago when I was writing the first chapter. I then detoured to gather more research. Then I took on the monumental task of reading through it, making notes, and organizing it all so I could refer to it at a glance.

This chapter is the most load-bearing of the thesis because it bears the foundation on which my argument is built.

I am happy to report that I am extremely pleased with it. I know the research so well at this point that it was much easier to write than I thought it would be. It was wise to sort out my lit review before I tackled this section.

I’m going to give myself a well-deserved day off tomorrow. I’m well ahead of schedule.

I had my follow up CT scan today. I had some time to kill so I went in the back of the hospital to take a little walk and enjoy the sea. Living on a Caribbean island you’d think you’d see it everywhere, but we’re so industrialized in the capital that it’s hard to get a glimpse of it, even though we live in a port.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack on the drive there and started crying. My first CT scan was a little traumatic. The room was terribly cold, they stuck me over and over again trying to get a vein, succeeding only after the sixth try, and despite taking a regimen of antihistamines I still ended up having a reaction to the contrast dye for which I had to be monitored and medicated.

Rex comforted me in the car, and when I went in he stuck his head in and blew me kisses of reassurance, and that really made me feel a lot better.

They gave me a strong dose of antihistamines before (the needle thankfully went in on the first try) and the scan was smooth. I wasn’t freezing. And I only had a very slight reaction, one little hive on my cheek that’s gone now.

When I first got my diagnosis, this scan felt like a million miles away. And if I’d followed my original course of treatment I’d have had it six months ago. So to get here today… I feel a bit… like I don’t have any context for it. I’m still on meds and after a year and a half of treatment (I finish Sunday), I sort of don’t know what to do with the ending. It sort of just crept up on me.

I don’t see my doctor until the fifteenth so I won’t know the results until then, unless I try to decipher it myself which probably isn’t wise. I have some anxiety about it of course, but there’s no reason to believe I won’t be in the clear. We’ve thrown everything and the kitchen sink at it.