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no, seriously! I know how nothing in adult life works, but I have learned it by calling up the customer service division of whatever agency I am having a problem with and then just asking about whatever the problem is, emphasizing my complete lack of knowledge about the thing.

my actual literal script for these interactions: “Hi, my name is [name]. This is my problem: [problem]. I don’t know how [adult thing] works. could you explain how [adult thing] works?” it fucking works every time.

me: I keep getting conflicting information as to whether my therapist is covered by my health insurance. I don’t know anything about health insurance, so this is very confusing to me. could you explain why this might be happening? health insurance customer service: it’s because your normal health insurance is X company but your mental healthcare is subcontracted out to Y company, and Y covers your therapist but X doesn’t. just always bill Y when you go to your therapist and you’ll be fine.

me: I accidentally put the wrong date to pay my credit card off and I’m afraid it will post before I get paid. this is my first credit card so I don’t know what I’m doing. could you tell me when it will post? customer service person: it will send a message to your bank today, but your bank won’t respond to it until tomorrow when you get paid, so you’re fine. and even if it does bounce, the fee is only $25 and you qualify for a waiver.

me: I went to an urgent care place that said they’d take my health insurance, but now i have a big bill. I don’t know how billing works: can you explain why the amount is so much for such a routine trip? customer service person: it’s because you were out of network at the time. however, since your insurance hasn’t covered the cost of care, the urgent care people should refund you for the cost of the services you paid for. me: [gets actual check in mail for the $200 I spent on testing my pee]

The Gentleman had the good sense to employ the “I need help, I don’t understand what this device is for or how to get my money back, can you help me?” and the call went extremely well and he got his money refunded and someone to come take the ‘panini maker’ away.