Sonic_Sab

Art done by xeeoh.art on instagram!

The character in the middle is my OC Kotone Yuki! She’s Makoto and Fuuka’s daughter from the future! If you like this art please check out the artist on Instagram! And if you want to read my WIP story featuring Kotone you can from the link below!

Link to the fanfic!:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/60811984

Welcome everyone to my very first authors commentary post! This post will be covering chapter 1 of my fanfic Persona 3 Redux! If you haven’t read it you can read it from the link above! Reading any further without knowing what happens in chapter 1 would be pretty confusing I imagine, and it will contain spoilers for the chapter.

Let’s first start by talking about our main character, the future daughter of Makoto and Fuuka: Kotone Yuki!

Kotone’s character wasn’t too hard to come up with. I firstly wanted to make her different than Fuuka and Makoto and still share some similarities personality wise to the two while being her own person. I originally wanted to have her struggle with deep anger issues but I think that idea has been sorta scrapped. The only time her anger has truly been shown was in chapter 15: “Two Paths, One Mission”

Originally, both of her parents were going to be alive, and be in a healthy relationship. Now, I think that approach doesn’t properly punish Makoto for choosing to kill Ryoji, and it doesn’t allow for Kotone to really have any issues. It just seemed too good to be the “bad future.”

Next I decided to have Fuuka and Makoto not be on good terms. Constant arguing and bickering, maybe even Makoto being a distant father. While better for story potential than the former vision it definitely would alienate readers. We spend so much time playing as Makoto and seeing him like this would hurt a lot. And my fic would attract people who like Makoto x Fuuka (I love it too!) Who would want to see their OTP be in a loveless marriage?

Finally I decided on my final vision. Makoto died from apathy syndrome while Kotone was still a child, leaving Fuuka alone to raise their daughter. This allows for many things.

1. Makoto is properly punished for choosing to kill Ryoji while still allowing him and Fuuka to be together.

2. It allows Kotone to have family issues which would in turn lead to her own insecurities.

3. It makes Kotone’s timeline truly feel like the bad future it’s meant to represent.

Originally, my plan was to have Kotone not like her father. Now… this causes quite a few issues the first being she wouldn’t be very likable. Getting readers to care about an OC is already hard enough… why shoot myself in the foot and have her be antagonistic towards the main character? So I tuned down that personality trait. While she doesn’t not like him she won’t go out of her way to seek out alone time with him or be next to him if she has other options.

Now, let’s talk about Fuuka!

Truth be told, nothing much changed with her. Once I decided on my vision for Kotone’s past her role became blindingly obvious. If her husband were to succumb to apathy syndrome what would be in character for Fuuka to do?

Fuuka is smart. She’s proficient with computers, coding, hacking, really anything to do with technology. Why not put those skills to use? That was when I decided to make her a scientist/researcher for the Kirijo group. Their experiments require the use of many different machines and Fuuka has the skills and drive to help.

This allowed for her to be away from Kotone a lot leading to their strained relationship. Fuuka obviously loves Kotone and only wants the best for her. But Kotone is a teenager, and what do teenagers see? Mom is always gone. Mom is always working. Mom couldn’t care less.

This allows Kotone to realize how wrong she was once she’s sent to the past and form a friendship with past Fuuka.

Now, if I could rewrite chapter 1 I think I would. I like most of the things in it, but I’d like to change how cliche the opening is. When I was first writing the chapter I didn’t think much about how cliche it was but holy crap rereading it I always cringe…

We start off the story with a character waking up to an alarm… next the character gets scolded by a parent. Then she looks in the mirror and we learn she’s a fairly attractive person who gets attention from boys but see’s herself as inadequate/worthless.

AHHHHH WHY!!!!!

It’s really not that bad but it hurts sometimes. Hopefully I didn’t lose any would be readers from that opening…

Now, onto plot!

When I first started I didn’t have much plan with the plot. Just have her time travel back and let the characters deal with it… and that’s what I did. I believe every character reacted the way they should have… but I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Gotta stick with chapter 1!

Chapter 1 doesn’t really have much plot. Just kinda showing you what Kotone’s life is like before she travels in time. Father’s dead, she has some mommy issues, aunts and uncles who helped raise her are dead, she doesn’t like herself, is depressed (could have done a better job showing that), wants to be a hero/someone of importance, and has a boy she likes but is too self conscious to accept his feelings.

The time travel though is where stuff gets weird. Now, originally I didn’t have a plan for how she’d do it… just that it’d happen before The Fall. Now, I know how it happened but the problem is finding a way to fit that explanation into the events of the first chapter. I obviously didn’t foreshadow it and going back to edit such a major part of the plot is a little tacky. So I’ll just suck it up and find a way to explain it in a way that makes sense. Obviously, I can’t reveal how it happened yet but you should at least know that in the story’s canon it wasn’t random!

So I think overall chapter 1 is a serviceable start to the series. I think my writing has improved drastically since chapter 1 (I rewrote a lot of it but stayed true to the original events) I actually stay in the same tense now, I don’t write out sound effects, and I think I don’t make everything so on-the-nose now.

Shiomi and Minato were additions that I never really fleshed out and for good reason… they weren’t all that important. They’re kind of just plot devices. Describing them in detail in chapter 1 would be pointless because they aren’t major characters. They don’t go to the past with Kotone. They’re her friends from her future that motivate her to continue forward.

Their names are references to Makoto’s manga name and FeMC’s last name from the stage play. Something that fans would appreciate.

I think that covers most of my thoughts about the first chapter. Other than the opening if I could change one thing it would be to make apathy syndrome even more of a threat. I show that some civilians have it and one of her classmates succumbed to it but I think for being right before The Fall I could have shown a lot more people with it.

makoto will never forget...

The like button should be at the bottom, looks like this:

The dislike button differs depending on your device but it should look something like one of these:

I’ve seen this meme format around constantly and I physically could not rest until I made it my Shinjiakimitsu child

but: consider. if u genuinely like analyzing writing.. do u know ur just allowed to go through and quote your favorite parts and ramble abt what they mean to u and the author will LOSE IT WITH HYPE?

genuinely. i felt SO WEIRD the first time i did it.. but like. holy shit authors love it. its crack for authors. the first time i did it, it was on a fic that hadnt updated in half a year, give or take, and the author made 3 updates that month BECAUSE OF MY COMMENT.

A fic written 2 years ago is NOT OLD. Two years is nothing. Two years ago was yesterday.

Everywhere you look, it's dedicated to the Great Seal. Stained glass windows made in their image line the walls, statues carved into a familiar teenager hung by chains. Their story is depicted like a religious text, with Ryoji himself as the devil. There to trick the seal into pursuing the full moon shadows, to lie his way into being the seal's friend, to tempt the Great Seal away from delivering salvation to the world. It does not matter that Ryoji was missing his memories, that he was doing whatever he could to help his dearest friend, he was always a monster. One that was unworthy of the Seal's forgiveness, of their mercy.

Ryoji's shadow can always be found crying in front of a depiction of the Great Seal. He begs for someone to please take their revenge, to punish him for what he's done, it's all his fault, he killed the Great Seal, they would still be alive if not for him. He cannot let you take his treasure, he cannot let you take away his guilt. When you fight Ryoji, he appears as a grotesque replica of the Nyx Avatar. There is no more elegance, no more ethereal beauty to be found in Nyx's Appraiser, he is simply a monster.

Ryoji's treasure is the protagonist's evoker. A representation of how they fought to save the world, and how they accepted death to do so. Ryoji could not accept that death, so he clung to it. He clung to their memory instead of facing them himself, because he felt too much guilt.

Name: Ryoji Mochizuki

Location: Gekkoukan High School's rooftop