Anyways on top of that my bank has locked all access to my funds because I haven’t been able to pay minimum payments on a credit card (I was stupid at 20) I assume they are just going to take everything including my full next paycheck next month. So yaay no money for two and a half months. I have maybe like 2 weeks of food I can ration, and 20$ cash. So yeah life is super cool right now.

I wish it wasn’t a choice I had to make in the first place.

Please. Please stop telling me every week. I know you feel good about yourself now. I know you don’t intend to make me feel like this. Right? Or Is this punishment of some sort? After years of telling me that it was my fault, that you gained weight with your last pregnancy and could never lose it. Is that what this is? I remember being 13 with an undiagnosed and ignored eating disorder and skipping meals, making myself throw up whenever I could, because you were so focused on loudly counting calories that I thought I was disgusting for liking food. Now I’m an adult with a different kind of eating disorder. I either don’t eat at all, or I eat until I throw up because I never was allowed to enjoy food before, and there’s this fear in me that eating will become something that’s shameful again. I guess it is, just in a different way. Instead of being afraid to eat a slice of bread by myself, now I’m afraid of eating in front of other people. I used to think that if I was fat that I deserved to be dead, and now I can’t even imagine feeling thin anymore. Both are curses in themselves.