Life Is A Bitch

You know for a moment i let you go. I let myself forget, i let myself smile around people that are not you. They dont deserve it. Only you deserve to see my genuine happiness. You never really needed it because thats all you knew. Whenever i was around you i felt safe, happy, calm, at peace, fuck it just might’ve been home.

"Its okay to let it all out by crying"

Friend: you know no one can actually sit and have no belly rolls

Me: well what about these girls in pictures?

Friend: they’re not healthy

I had a dream of you today. You had come back and apologised. You said you were away and weren’t able to contact me. You told me you missed me so much. I truly believed you. Somehow.

This whole day, all i thought of was you and that dream. One wish was that the dream had been reality. The other, that i never woke up. That i stayed with you there forever.

As i was going through the city, i saw your face in every crowd. Or at least i wished i have.

Everyone laughs at break ups, says that its not a big deal, that its stupid to cry over.

Its really a serious thing. It can develop so much bad habits and fuck so many things up.

You might think that you’re not good enough, that develops into eating disorders and self hate.

You might think that everyones better off without you, that develops self harm and suicidal thoughts.

👏👏

If you’re weak and you know it clap your hands

👏👏

If you’re weak and you know it but don’t really wanna show it, if youre weak and you know it clap your hands

I try to conceal all the world sounds, because I can’t seem to deal with all the notification buzzes, loud cars driving past or the screams of my mom in the kitchen, because apparently someone didn’t wash their cup.

Im tired of the never ending routine. Yet if something goes out of it, my mind will be filled by questions, that I’ll never have the answers to, and as chaotic as it seems, its calming, because i now see it as my routine.

It seems as if my brain has two dilemic sides. One that wants the chocolate chip cookie, and the other that only sees the disgusting 144 calories. The one that sees beauty, hope and a reason to live in literally anything, and the other that stays up at night, wishing to be dead my morning.

I want to achieve the joy of breathing, living and existing, but now, i just wish i wasn’t alive at all.

It all seems normal by now, because planning my suicide has now become my routine. Thinking of how many days I’ll go without food, has now become my routine. Force purging those fucking 144 calories has now become my routine.

I find it scary, yet so incredibly common and normal.