Still a mess

havent seen anyone discussing this yet but In the scene where Eddie is forced to apologise to Phil vanessa appears saying all Trents bank accounts are empty and she can't pay rent and he walks off telling her it will be fine. Not to mention while grabbing her ass. And she tells him her pin code which he already knows as he finishes her sentence that its the rocks bday.

Then later we see her packing and Dolph tells them phil is kicking them out because she can't pay the rent. And all the scenes later of her starting work etc.

Phil fucking stole her money then kicked her out and took her son away even when she begged to go with him.

I just find Vanessa such a heartbreaking and realistic portrayal of women who align themselves with men and try to find value by making themselves appealing to them.

But when it comes down to it Vanessa is nothing to any of these men but a toy or a tool. They dont respect or value her any more than the women she tries to separate herself from.

Vanessa's a really fascinating character to me, to both love and hate. Town legend Sam groomed her while Mayor Rod turned a blind eye or even participated; much loved Coach Trent and his brother abused and harrassed her, Jimmy stalked her, and Phil has taken her money, home and son, while exploiting her as the veneer of his MRA clown show, only to turn her away with that faux-sympathetic little "Men only". They all just consume her. And she sees that as her role, to be consumed, and throws herself into it, hoping in vain that the bargain will mean something on their end too.

And who does she think of as her enemy? Women. All the other women, like Skye, whose life she's ruined twice, and Dulcie, who "can't understand" any of this because she's a lesbian. The rest, well obviously they're all "just jealous".

When Dulcie finally unravels what Sam did to her and she wavers, it really seems like she was actually aware on some level of how terrible the men in her life have been to her, but... as she says, that's "normal", isn't it? Boys being boys, men being men.

"hoping in vain that the bargain will mean something on their end too."

This is a really good way of putting it, the way she has carved herself up and the person she has turned herself into in the hopes of gaining power/approval but as we all know it never ever will.

And i think on some level she knows it too, that desperate little 'Phil its me' and her face when he responds with the men only, which absolutely had an implied threat of stay in your place, do as your told. I think it shows that she knows no matter what she does she will only ever be something to be consumed.

Which also makes her rationalizing of all of it so sad and so painfully realistic, when she says they are blowing everything way out of proportion and are just jealous. but her voice is starting to shake, sidenote the actress did an absolute phenomenal job in that scene.

I think in her head it Has to be okay. it Has to be other women who are the real enemy because otherwise the true horror of her experiences will be real, she would be a victim rather than Special.

She seems to be trapped in this cycle of abusive relationships, moving from one awful man to the next because it is all she has ever experienced and how would she even know to expect better. And to cope with that she has turned it into a badge of honour, men are obsessed with her because she is beautiful and other women are jealous and bitches and lesbians.

And yeah the things she has done to the others, especially Skye, are abhorrent yet we can see so clearly how she got to the point that she has. and they also dont negate from her deserving justice/sympathy.

thinking about how human bodies are not meant to survive so much trauma, how even just the shock of it can kill you before blood loss does, thinking about lilith’s hair turning white as it drags her back to life.

thinking about mary’s shock and rage at vincent’s betrayal and all of them stopping mary from rushing headlong to the enemy and lilith stepping in and telling mary she’ll handle this.

lilith? the tarask? both? walking towards vincent, towards adriel, towards a god that could kill with a flick of a hand. thinking about how maybe he does kill her; color bleeding out in a rapid rush, but the body no longer knows how to die.

thinking about “lily”. how precious. how childish. how far removed from the name of one that is shunned.

lily, in the same breath as digging in the knife of a broken friendship.

thinking about dying and failing to stay dead and losing yourself to an idea forced into your head. thinking about losing yourself but the love in you remains all the same. your mind cannot remember, but your body does, and maybe in the end that is enough

getting out is as easy as breathing, youve done it just minutes before, the proof is right there staining your face, but still you love them too much to ever want them dead? thinking about blood on lilith’s face and on her hands and mary (and beatrice) knowing lilith well enough to know It’s Not Her from sight and taking her chances anyway.

thinking about “ava, do not shoot lilith” and “i see you. i see you, my sister.” thinking about how all warrior nuns die and shannon dying and lilith being next in line, lilith who keeps chasing after the halo like its the last thing she has to do.

Queen Victoria - Suffia Malik

Begin Again: (1/?): 

And this is really exciting-- I'm doing a podcast!

Aysha Farah and I are producing and writing a sci-fi podcast called Second Star to the Left. We just wrapped our full first draft of the nine episode season and are working on edits. I'm really proud of the story we've put together!

We're starting to look at cast and crew schedules now and we'll let you know how production goes!

The reward for my $1 patrons this month is a sneak peek at the draft of the first episode of the podcast. Come check it out :)

Synopsis: Second Star to the Left

“Scout-explorer Gwendolyn Hartley is on a five-year mission to map, study, and prepare a planet for settlement. It’s a hard job and lonely one, but she’s been chasing this dream all her life. Gwen’s only connections back to humanity are the letters she sends home and the anxious voice of her assigned scout-minder in her ear. 

Bell Summers is on a five-year mission to monitor, support, and advise three scout-explorers as they prepare undeveloped planets in quadrant 530-D for settlement. Listening from their rented berth on a local space station, Bell is always a step away from the action. The untamed vistas, biological marvels, and dangers of the planets are just sounds on their short-range FTL communicator.