Square of the Stars

HAPPY MERRY to all who celebrate 🎄 may the light of biyoo's star shine upon u and bring u all joy and splendor

the last time I reblogged this post right before I got a great job, in a permanent work-from-home position, with benefits, retirement, and a salary literally 3x what I was making before, doing something I really like. 

So you know. 

i reblogged this four(ish) o clock

NOT EVEN TWO HOURS LATER U KNOW WHAT I GET??

after THREE MONTHS of unemployment???

Like, sure, not being able to regulate my attention sucks, but it's genuinely fucking nothing compared to the absolute rollercoaster of emotions I just went on because someone said something in a shitty tone, and now I'm having to actively walk myself through DBT methods lest my idiot shit for brains 'shiny-can't-sit-still-disorder' drop the match on that particular bridge because the rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like my chest is burning and not being able to act on the hurt feels like I'm suffocating under the weight of emotions pushing down on me and lashing out in anger is quicker than taking the time to self soothe.

And the annoying fucking thing is I know it's me.

I've done enough therapy to know my emotional response to their shittiness is overblown and dysregulated. I know I'm taking it to heart more than they could ever imagine.

Like, ever since I was a kid, my parents and adults around me belittled me for being 'dramatic,' and made it clear that I was 'too much' and should be less of what I am.

These emotions are very real. They're bigger than the situation calls for, but they're real.

The fastest way to get cast into the Outer Darkness is to tell me I'm being dramatic or making shit up. Nope. These emotions are very real, and they're very mine.

This is actually something I talked about in the old post linked above, but anger is a very stimulating emotion. I personally describe it as a lightning rod for my wandering attention.

Anger will get my focus so much more readily than any other emotion. And being able to latch on to something and focus feels good, even if it's over something harmful.

I used to relive arguments with family to get myself pumped up. Because if you get me angry enough, I will stress clean my house. I will organize things. I will fold the towels that have been sitting in the hamper for a week.

Provided it's not totally overwhelming, and I end up just sitting stuck in the anger, unable to do anything, becoming more and more upset until I have a meltdown.

It was like a balancing act.

If I could get myself annoyed juuuuust enough, my life would be less shitty because I'd get stuff done. If I overshot and just ended up fixated on the anger, well, fuck, I guess.

It was only after the last few years of therapy and the focus on removing stress as a motivator (I used to be one of those "I need a last-minute deadline to get stuff done" ADHD'rs, and then I wrote a novel under a too strict deadline, and my stress regulation completely broke, and now all I've got is this shitty suicidal ideation and the inability to meet any deadlines because my brain just straight up cannot handle it anymore) that I realized I had been using anger the same way.

A) the product or

B) paying with you privacy or

C) a combination of both

Support Business Bird on Patreon?

Check out my stuff!