softlylying

I dislike how a 6 pack isnt ever a 6 pack.

I dislike the way you watch sports and your ego makes you play pretend.

I dislike how you change yourself according to whos in the room.

I dislike how your jokes arent jokes, a laugh doesnt make it "funny", truths wrapped in "comedy".

I dislike when you rob me of sleep, waking me up randomly, slamming breaks.

I dislike how ive always been choosen last but ive always picked you.

I dislike that you disrupt my days at 6 am.. in hopes I carry that off putting energy.

I dislike how you try to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin..

I dislike the words you say when your drunk. They dont hold the heaviness like they used too but the inner voice likes to also play pretend.

I dislike the look of hate you have for me, ive got many receipts if youd like to see?

I dislike feeling pressured when I no longer crave you.

I dislike how you've make me feel emotionally unsafe like it was your main goal, lately.

I dislike the malice you hold.. your unpleasant to be around.

I've survived every bad decision, every red flag I thought was a carnival ride, every "this seems like a great idea" that absolutely was not.

At this point I don't need luck.

Luck needs me.

Here's to another year of being simultaneously self-aware and completely committed to ignoring that self-awareness when the plot gets interesting.

May my coffee be strong.

My standards be questionable.

My enemies be confused.

And my stories remain too unbelievable to explain properly.

Cheers to leveling up.

Anticlimactic.

I think that's the only word I have for it.

A few weeks ago my world shifted just enough to force a different perspective. Not enough to change everything, but enough to make certain things impossible to ignore.

The clarity was unexpected.

I spent a lot of time confusing curiosity for attraction. Thinking I was searching for people when really I was searching for something that could hold my attention. It was never about sex. It wasn't even about romance. It was the challenge, the conversation, the possibility that someone might introduce a thought I hadn't already considered.

Instead, everything started feeling familiar.

The same conversations.

The same motives.

The same outcomes wearing different faces.

Lately it feels like redundancy wrapped in apathy.

I've gotten good at recognizing patterns. Sometimes too good. The pattern shows up before the person does. I can feel myself pulling back before I consciously know why, but I still let things play out. Not because I expect a different result. Mostly because I'm curious to see how close my first impression was.

I've also gotten really good at fitting whatever role someone needs me to fill. Listener. Friend. Distraction. Placeholder. Whatever keeps the interaction moving.

People usually tell on themselves eventually.

Some think they're getting one over on me.

Some think I'm naive.

Some think I'm not paying attention.

I rarely correct them.

It's easier to let people underestimate you than explain yourself.

The funny thing is, the grass isn't greener anywhere else. It's just a different shade of the same field.

Maybe that's why everything feels so underwhelming lately. Not because people are bad. Not because I'm better. Just because the mystery disappears too quickly.

And despite all of that, the unknown still interests me.

The things I can't explain.

The thoughts I can feel but can't quite reach.

The parts of life that don't immediately reveal themselves.

Maybe that's where growth actually lives.

Not in certainty.

Not in people.