hello!

Bruce: Okay.

--

Bruce, shuffling over to the table where his kids are waiting for his birthday breakfast: I saw your gift.

Cass: Do you like it? I put “awesome.”

Damian: I put “Batman.”

Tim: I put “neurotic.”

Bruce, grabbing a some sausage links and a muffin and shoving them into his robe pocket: I’m…*yawn* mostly wondering who called me a unicycle.

Batkids: *eyeballing each other*

Bruce, slumping back out of the room, yawning again: Thanks for the birthday meal, g’night.

Batkids:

Dick: So who—

VS

Bruce, visibly nervous: hello richard, my name is bruce wayne

Recently orphaned child stuck in criminal detention centre: Dick.

Bruce: …

What I'm getting at here is that at some point Dick was tired enough and exasperated enough to snap and say "Timothy John Peter Jackson Grayson Wu-San Cain Todd Drake Thomas Al-Ghul Wayne!"

Bonus points in Cass got it on camera

Bruce:

Alfred: You need to make an appointment for a cleaning.

Bruce: can you do it

Alfred, exasperated after finding out Bruce had Chef Boyardee for dinner the past five nights: No. I’m not doing it for you. You’re thirty years old.

Bruce: *curls up into a ball*

Bruce: Hn?

Bruce: *Swoops over to the splashing creature, accidentally overshoots his landing, belly flops into the water.*

Bruce: blllargle!! *splashes to the surface, glancing around* oh.

Dog: 👀

Bruce: Do you want to come with me?

Dog: *paddles over to Bruce and leans on him*

Bruce: How do I get out of here.

—

Alfred, seeing a drenched Bruce seated criss-cross on the ground wearing a pair of oversized sweatpants, eye makeup running down to his neck, and holding a block of cheddar cheese: I see everything is status quo down here.

Bruce: *blinks*

Alfred: Is something wrong? I brought you a PB&J.

Bruce: I found a friend today Alfred.

Alfred: …Alright. Who are they?

Bruce: *shines his flashlight under the Batmobile, where a soaked dog is huddled with only its face poking out*

Bruce: he likes cheese

Alfred, setting the sandwich down on the desk: I’m not taking care of the dog, Bruce.

—

Alfred, a few days later: So what’s his name?

Bruce: what

Alfred: The dog. Does he have a name?

Bruce: Alfred.

Alfred: …yes?

Bruce: the dog’s name is Alfred

Alfred, slightly offended: Okay. Why?

Bruce, pulling his hoodie up: icareabouthim

Alfred, gently: You can’t name the stray dog after me, Bruce.

—

Alfred, hauling a tray of steak, potatoes, and garlic bread down to the cave: I’m so pleased you asked me for a real meal. Turn your music down, please.

Bruce, eyes glued to his computer: *slowly reaches over to turn Evanescence down*

Alfred: Thank you. Here we go. Enjoy your—

Bruce: *delicately places the garlic bread into his mouth and slides the plate with the remaining food onto the ground*

Alfred:

Ace the renamed dog: *runs over and begins to chow down*

Alfred:

harley and bruce go down to the boardwalk/carnival and spend the day going on rickety rides and eating corndogs and doing those dorky photobooths. bruce is standing in the same position with the same blank expression the entire time

harley teaches bruce how to roller-skate and is holding his arms like you would with a kid. he looks like hes concentrating very hard on not falling over but is otherwise completely blank

harley takes him to a nightclub and he stands in the middle of the dancefloor while harley dances on/around him. he has his arms crossed and doesnt move the entire time