Errrmmmmm,,,,,,,,, ik im basically making u relive ur anger and hatred against post rue mutsuki but i need hcs for a a post rue mutsuki who’s a depressed alcoholic and ur the only real one xoxo
Friend, in order to relive it, I would have to have stopped living it at some point. ANYWAY, can't leave anyone who calls me the only real one hanging, so here we go! This is in such a random bullet point format because trying to articulate my thoughts in a way thats actually organized and makes sense is part of why it's taken me too damn long to answer
maybe it's a matter of "show more unglamorous depression/trauma" or maybe it's just vibes, but for whatever reason, I've always seen Mutsuki as a hypersomniac after Rushima, even when it was fresh and I tried to write an angsty hurt/comfort fic (it was HORRIBLE and I RAN OUT OF IDEAS so I gave up and deleted it lmao) about it rather than the action-packed casefic I ended up writing.
he blames himself so deeply for what happened. every step of the way no matter how irrational, in his mind, was all his fault, if he just reacted sooner, if he was stronger, if he just let Torso torture him to death, if he never lived to see Rushima in the first place
he basically disappears all over again once he makes it back to the mainland. barely gets out of bed let alone leaves his apartment, when he does drag himself to work he doesn't talk to anyone and never seems to be all there, and he definitely doesn't go anywhere other than those two places anymore
NUMBNESS. his bleeding heart was the first domino to fall in the lead-up to Rushima, and it's still buried in there, but he's just so... slow... to react... and like I said, often not all there when he's out and about. On the inside he might be crying, or more likely screaming at himself to react to an upsetting case or colleague having a bad day, but instead he's just there, listless and blank like a piece of the background, and only when he's alone in the safety of his apartment will he bawl his eyes out over the situation and his added guilt for doing nothing
in canon, he's a happy, outgoing drunk, and I think his first drink is an attempt to psych himself up for some meeting with Saiko or Suzu or someone close to him, or something like that, that he just really didn't want this new side of him to rip away
it becomes his way to psych himself up for anything he doesn't feel like he can leave his apartment to do but look! if he just has a little drink first, he can do it and won't let those he cares about down, and anyone but the most perceptive and close to him (you know damn well who I see that being) would think great! Look how happy he is! How much fun he's having! We were so worried about him, but look at him, smiling and laughing and talking to us!
before he even knows it, he's drinking to feel normal
from there the consequences can go in so many directions I honestly can't pick just one knock yourself out
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