all i'm saying is this can't be real

main blog: @snonkerdoodlefizzy221b (this is where follows, likes, etc. from)

side blogs: @snonkerdoodledreams @sixxamshitposting

HERE IS MY BIO, MANY FAQs ANSWERED HERE

fandoms/blog content

i don't know how to use the techcnology so i WILL be going back to my very trusted go-to tumblr blog for the reference of the adventuer outift

alright, let's read the requirements! it says:

rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous, and tag as many people as you have WIPs. people send in an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and you post a snippet or tell them something about it!

Oh lordy.

Oh my.

We're cooked --- ok, let me just --- see, I don't have a folder per se, it's just...

*stares at Tumblr drafts and all the docs just floating in Google drive*

I cannot put all my wips. Not even just my genshin wips. I'll give all my illuga x reader ones and a free space! (Because there's so many.)

watchful

untitled

cough

untitled

untitled

illugalings p7

illuga's favorite food

theia au

untitled (faelight x reader)

untitled (illuhen x reader)

free space! (any illuga wip i have that's not x reader, I'll pick one at random and give a snippet)

warnings: descriptions of physical fighting between lohen and illu, patching up of injuries (we undress them. to patch up the injuries), referenced and implied past sex between illuga and lohen but not between them and the reader, hair-pulling, manhandling

also up here on ao3!

additional information: - inspired by a tag on one of @yearningpine's posts (idk which one it was but i know that it was *points one spindly finger* yewww) - word count: 4211 - contains: fighting, fluff, banter, getting together, making out, *lots* of jealousy (though reader doesn't necessarily realize it right away), light angst - characters: lohen, illuga, reader

author's note: popped into my head because of one tag made by the lovely @yearningpine on one of their posts about illuga and lohen fighting over the reader or something (don't remember) and it was like "ladies ladies calm down reader has two hands" and i was like YEAAAAA THEY DO INDEED!! uhhh...

- to the folks i tagged: no pressure to read this! just citing my sources :) - undershirts probably don't actually zip in the back... - if dart autocorrected to fart at any instance please tell me. - the undressing is for Very Plot purposes (no sex trust ✌️) but also like. we kinda need to patch him up core. - me trying to find words to use other than said, replied, respond, muttered, and mumbled: 😥 - me after giving lohen a tramp stamp: :3 - got the 24 belts statistic from one of @lazy-n's posts and am going to assume it's true because i dont want to go hunting on lohen's body to count 24 belts. - oh! important note. reader is what people might typically call "oblivious". i wrote them like that because im not catching all of lohen's srds, sorry to let anyone down. - another important note id like to emphasize is that even though illuga and lohen are implied to have fucked in the past, it doesn't necessarily mean that them and the reader will fuck in the future if that's not what you want. um. yea - me when an iceman says "bullshit": :D (i feel like at least some part of this fic's existence can be contributed to kazansky) - me after projecting my issues in here: 😔 - holy yap...thanks for reading this very long A/N, you get a cookie! 🍪

ladies, ladies, two hands, ladies!

When you walked into Favonius Keep, you didn't expect to see Illuga and Lohen fighting each other.

You stop in your tracks, caught completely off guard by the scene in front of you. Knights mill about doing who knows what (probably what they're supposed to be doing, admittedly) and the Grandmaster is nowhere to be seen. Everyone is ignoring the two men locked in a gruesome, unforgiving battle right in the center of camp.

Their polearms are strewn on the sides of their battleground. It's evident that they were using them earlier on but have completely ditched them now. You gasp as Lohen throws his whole body at Illuga, tackling him to the ground. Illuga yelps as he lands flat on his back. Lohen catches his flailing wrists and pins them to the ground, quickly straddling Illuga's torso so that he can't fight back.

Lohen is fond of sparring, you know that much. However, something about the way Illuga is genuinely glaring at Lohen from the ground tells you that this isn't a regular spar. You begin to run over, intent on seeing what's going on. What if they're actually angry at each other?

That does not bode well. At all.

Lohen leans down to Illuga's ear to whisper something in it. Illuga's glare only grows more sour as Lohen pulls back. When he pulls back, he isn't smiling.

They're definitely mad at each other. Something happened.

"You two!" you yell, finally catching up to where they are. In a manner particularly reminiscent of a cat, Lohen looks up from Illuga's face with disinterest and tracks you as you kneel next to them. Illuga's glare softens quite a bit upon seeing you, but the slight frown and furrowed brows don't leave his face.

"What's going on?" you ask quieter this time. "I don't think that was a regular spar. You—you both—sorry if I'm wrong, but you both seemed to be really angry with each other—"

"Don't apologize, bunny," Lohen says. The way he says it is...odd. You can't quite place your finger on it, but something about it is off. He was a little too quiet, his pitch a little too high, his voice a little too smooth.

"It's nothing," Illuga says. "Just a...disagreement." He sounds slightly breathless, probably because Lohen is still sitting on his chest.

"Um," you say. You're not really sure how to proceed, but the situation has to move forward somehow. Lohen doesn't seem intent on solving anything, and even Illuga looks reluctant to move. It'll fall to you then.

You take a deep breath. "You both need to get patched up, yes?"

Lohen sighs. It's quite put-upon. "If you say so, [Name]."

He scoots himself down Illuga's abdomen (causing the other man to gasp heavily), then kicks one leg up into the air before dismounting him. He doesn't offer Illuga a hand, so you carefully slip an arm under his shoulders and push him to a sitting position.

"I'm fine," Illuga whispers to you, squinching his eyes shut. You pull him up to a standing position by wedging your shoulder under his armpit anyway.

When you look to Lohen, you're shocked to see clinical indifference on his face. He...he never looks at Illuga like that. He never looks at you like that.

"Let's go," he tells you, jerking his chin. You nod.

As you walk towards the infirmary, your hand brushes against Illuga's. You gently take it and tug him forward because he's lagging behind.

You can tell that Lohen doesn't miss the gesture.

---

When you arrive to the infirmary tent, you usher them both to a bed and make them sit down.

"How hard were you fighting?" you ask directly.

They share one single glance with each other before turning back towards you. "Pretty hard," Illuga answers.

Lohen pulls out a knife from his collar (why does he have a knife there?!) and begins inspecting it. The neutrality in his face believe the very quiet tension underneath the surface. He seems quite...taciturn.

"...I'll get Illuga first," you declare. Lohen hums noncommittally and stashes the knife away. You wash your hands thoroughly and begin darting around your little bay to find supplies. Behind you, you hear the telltale sounds of Illuga stripping.

It's not like you haven't patched them both up before, but this is the first time you're telling them to get all their clothes off. It typically isn't this bad. Usually, one man will get patched up while the other helps you keep him in line and gather supplies. Today is different, though. You've gotten disposable alcohol pads, ointment, and are reaching for the gauze when you realize that Lohen is not standing next to you.

You turn to give him a curious stare. He just shrugs from the bed and makes no move to get up.

...That's very strange, and something is definitely wrong, but you're struggling to figure out what it is. You return to where Illuga's sitting, depositing his clothes on one of the chairs next to the bed. He's fumbling with his harness, so you quickly place the supplies down and take it off for him. He whispers a small thank-you and assures you that he can do the rest by himself.

You go to disinfect your hands again before walking back towards Illuga, who's now in his boxers.

You sigh worriedly as you survey Illuga's chest. There are lots of bruises and lacerations all over his body. There's no way they could possibly all be from this one fight. Some of them are days old.

"Have you not been paying attention to these?" you chastise him. He apologizes sheepishly, but it does nothing to placate your concern.

You gently dab ointment onto each of his bruises. Then you clean the cuts you see and bandage them. They continue all over his body, and he knows better than to say he can to it himself. Illuga obediently lifts his limbs for easier access.

When all's said and done, he looks a little guilty, but thankful. You level him with a critical look. He takes your hand in both of his and his expression morphs into one of guilt.

"I'm sorry," he tells you earnestly. Gods, those eyes—they're so wide and sad. He looks like a wet kitten. You can't stay mad at those eyes for long, but he needs to take care of himself!!

"You're forgiven," you tell him. "But please, take care of yourself. I'd be happy to patch you up anytime. You know Anleifr and Ivar are going to kick your ass if you don't patch up your wounds anyway."

He laughs. "That's true."

To your shock, Lohen suddenly grabs a fistful of Illuga's hair and tugs his head to the side, exposing the small laceration made there by his knife. Illuga lets out a startled groan and jolts, nearly falling to the side. You catch his body before he can collapse onto the bed. Illuga's blue-red eyes dart around until they land on Lohen, full of fire.

"Lohen!" you yell. Your eyes frantically dart between him and the cut on Illuga's neck. How could you have missed that? And more importantly, why did Lohen bring it to your attention like that?!

The smug bastard doesn't mind at all, chuckling under the weight of Illuga's glare. "Birdie didn't want to tell us he's been hurt there, huh?" he jeers. He turns Illuga's head more, causing the other man to squinch his eyes shut and grit his teeth in a frown. You look down to see that Lohen has begun drumming out a pattern on Illuga's thigh with his fingers.

"Go on, [Name]," he says. You flinch at being snapped out of your reverie—seriously, what is it with these two?!—and begin to dab at Illuga's neck with the alcohol wipe.

"Ah—ah, it hurts!" Illuga hisses softly.

"I'm sorry!" you exclaim, hurriedly cleaning up. "Sorry—"

You're cut off by a gloved hand pressing over your mouth. You turn to see Lohen using the hand from Illuga's thigh to cover your mouth. His gaze is full of a rare intensity.

The weight and sharpness of his stare makes you freeze. With Illuga's hair in one hand and your mouth behind the other, the whole image makes him look quite dangerous.

"I said, don't apologize," Lohen tells you, deadly soft. You nod, eyes wide with fear and heart beating a million miles an hour. He lets you go, but still holds Illuga's head to the side.

You hurriedly position the gauze and tape Illuga's neck and then awkwardly stand back as he positions himself again. Lohen slides his hand out of Illuga's hair in arguably the most painful way possible, taking some strands with him. You grimace, as does Illuga.

Lohen looks at you expectantly.

You tilt your head inquisitively.

Illuga looks between you two with trepidation.

"Aren't you going to dress him back up?" Lohen asks sweetly—sweetly as in his tone could be considered sweet but there is something wrong about it. You briefly consider asking about what he actually means by that, but then stop.

"...Ok," you say hesitantly. You turn to Illuga, who looks oddly...guilty?

"Get that look off your face, birdie," Lohen laughs tightly. Too tightly. "It's fine."

With that, he saunters over to the door. His hand hovers above the doorknob, but another hand catches his wrist.

Lohen turns to see you standing beside him, holding his wrist. He tilts his head, a smirk playing on his lips. "Let me out, bunny."

You firmly shake your head, closing your eyes. "No. You will stay here and you will get patched up. By me."

"Get back here, Lohen," Illuga calls from the bed. You level Lohen with a stern glare until he finally sighs and heads back.

He stays standing as you help get Illuga's clothes back on. His undershirt zips in the back, so you slip it over his shoulders and then curl behind him to zip it up. At the same time, Lohen is pulling Illuga's pants up his long legs. Illuga pushes himself upward to let Lohen slip them all the way up. You carefully help Illuga into his sweater while Lohen zips his boots up. Lohen's hands linger on Illuga's hips as he fixes his sash in place, and your own linger around Illuga's chest after you adjust his harness.

You drop down to help Lohen put Illuga's boot gaiters on his legs, handing one over and then affixing the other yourself. When you look up to Lohen, his face is unreadable.

"Thank you both," Illuga says warmly. You and Lohen both look toward him, and he smiles encouragingly. Lohen's hand comes to the small of your back and supports you as you stand.

"Your turn now," you tell Lohen simply. Surprisingly, he obediently begins stripping his own clothes off. You re-disinfect your hands and head back to see Illuga helping him. Lohen looks a little ill at ease, lightly batting Illuga's hands away. He's not even making any jokes about it, which he definitely usually would do.

"Let him help you, Lohen."

Lohen's eyes snap towards you. Then, he hesitantly puts his hands down.

Lohen has also not been paying that much attention to his wounds, so you're patching up the most recent ones and older ones just like you did with Illuga. He doesn't hiss at the pain. His own smile only grows because of it.

You grip his shoulders and nudge him to turn around, which he does. His back appears to be clear of any wounds, though there are some bruises. You don't catch yourself lifting your hands to trace his prominent shoulder blades.

"I can feel your bones too much," you say softly, peering closer at Lohen's shoulder blades. There's a mole on one and not on the other. Your breath ghosts over the one with the mole. "You need to eat more."

Lohen sighs. "I'll keep that in mind, birdie—bunny," he corrects himself tiredly.

"You better," you tell him. The vice captain's back is quite interesting. It's not as scarred as other parts of his body. You gently begin to dab ointment on the bruises.

The pattern of the tattoo on his lower back is swirly, which one wouldn't typically expect of a man whose blood carries violence within, but it somehow still fits. There are no bruises upon it, but you find yourself tracing a nail over it anyway.

"Like what you see, bunny?" Lohen asks teasingly. You splutter and withdraw your hand, causing him to giggle harder in that maniacal way of his. (Good. At least he's laughing. That's...a good sign, right?)

"I—um—I think it's done," you say lamely. You look at Illuga, who nods and grabs some of Lohen's clothes to help put them back on.

The man has 24 belts in his outfit, but putting all 24 of them in the right places is surprisingly easier than you thought it would be. For some reason, Illuga seems to know where they all go.

"Good memory, birdie," Lohen tells him, to which Illuga blushes deeply and responds, "Shut up."

"Have you undressed each other before?" you ask innocently. Maybe they've patched each other's wounds up before. Illuga and Lohen share a single glance before nodding.

"That...that should be it," you tell Lohen. He smiles sunnily and hops away from the bed.

"Thanks, bunny," he says. "Now, I'll be off—vice captain's duties, I'm sure you understand—"

"Wait!" you exclaim. Lohen has already managed to bound off somehow, so for the second time that day, you catch his wrist and tug him back. "Why were you both so angry at each other earlier today? What happened?"

Lohen freezes for just a second, then turns to look back at you. Though his slight smile is still on his face, his eyes are unreadable. You glance behind you to see that Illuga's face has also closed off somewhat. You feel your heart begin to beat faster with anxiety.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" you ask uncertainly. You have to fix this—no, wait, that way of thinking is unhealthy. Still, you'd like to do what you can to help them fix it. Within reason. It's...ultimately up to them to resolve the issue. But you can still help. Right?

Lohen and Illuga share one look before looking back to you.

"'Fraid not, bunny," Lohen says at the same time that Illuga says, "Yes, actually."

Lohen's brows furrow as he frowns and twists his wrist out of your grip. (You fruitlessly chase after it before leaving it.) "Birdie, it's between us," he hisses. "What are you doing?"

Illuga shakes his head. His face goes stern in that way it does when he's proposing a plan for a battle—slight frown, narrowed eyes, and resoluteness in his gaze. His arms are even crossed. "It's up to them, ultimately," he tells Lohen. "They should decide."

"Bullshit," Lohen spits back. "Don't overcomplicate this."

Illuga ignores it. "[Name], I need an honest answer for this question."

"Wh—ok. Um. Go ahead," you say uncertainly, backing towards the bed. You raise your hand between the two men and yourself, fingers twitching as you do.

Don't get scared. They're not going to hurt you, even if they get angry.

You notice how Lohen sees your hand and how his expression softens minutely. His shoulders become a bit more relaxed, though they're still tense. You feel bad, but simulateneously...loved. He didn't want to distress you.

You give him a very soft smile. Lohen sighs and turns to Illuga, who's watching you both carefully.

"Who do you like better between the two of us?" Illuga asks. You tilt your head again.

"Silly question," you reply plainly. "I like you both equally."

It's the truth, full and unequivocal. But Illuga and Lohen don't look convinced. Illuga shakes his head.

"There's got to be one of us that you like more," Lohen says matter-of-factly. "C'mon. What'll it be, bunny?"

"I—I like you both!" you exclaim. "I'm telling the truth! Sure, Lohen, you may piss me off sometimes with the stupid shit you do, and sure, sometimes you, Illuga, concern me with the amount of concern you spare for yourself, and you're both idiots that throw yourselves into danger way too much and way too often, and you're polar opposites in so many ways, but—but that's the thing! I love you both for who you are as people, and the levels of that love are equal."

They look taken aback. The expressions on their faces look nearly identical, probably owing to their similar facial structure. You don't think they're convinced, so you continue rambling. "Like—if you had a little meter showing those levels, it would explode but it would still be the same—"

"Okay, we get it," Illuga says, not unkindly, but Lohen smacks his thigh all the same.

"Lohen!"

"He interrupted you."

"I understand what you're trying to say, [Name]," Illuga tells you. "Ok. I...I suppose a better question is..."

There is a moment of silence.

Then another.

Then another.

"Is...?" you ask, voice trailing upwards curiously.

Illuga opens his mouth, then looks over to see that Lohen is doing the same. He shuts his mouth and lets Lohen go.

"Bunny, tell me," Lohen asks. "If you had to choose one of us to be a romantic partner to you, who would it be?"

The question hangs in the air like an object with mass in space that warps everything around it. The tension in the room becomes thick enough to cut with a knife. And suddenly, you understand.

They were fighting over...you.

At least, that's what you think it was. It's the most plausible explanation. You're still surprised that a conflict over you would cause them to act so hostilely and angrily and unlike themselves, but you also suppose that being in love would do that to the two men.

That is...a good question.

About being romantically attracted to them...hmm. To be quite honest, you've always admired them in that way, even if you never did anything about it. Their smiles are beautiful. You love Illuga's hardworking character and infallible kindness to everyone. You love Lohen's thirst for battle and his relatively carefree nature. You yearn to hug Illuga when his nightmares make him cry and to hold Lohen close when his past haunts him. You want to kiss the men beneath those smiles, because though those smiles are part of who they are as people, there's also more lurking beneath the surface that they are all too willing to disregard.

You can certainly love them both. In fact, it feels unfair to choose one over the other.

"I couldn't choose," you tell them honestly. "I would choose both of you."

Your answer hangs heavily in the room.

"I've admired you both for a long time from a romantic perspective," you elaborate. "I guess I'm only fully realizing that now, though. I didn't realize that's what it was; I just thought I cared a lot about you both. It's always been hard for me to distinguish crushes from squishes and I've gotten the two mixed up more times than I want to admit, so I just...kind of let myself stay your friend."

Crickets.

"Attraction is hard to figure out. For me, at least," you continue. "But the point is that if you're truly asking, I'd choose both of you."

They both look conflicted at your admission. Illuga's face is open and vulnerable. Lohen's is tightly closed off, but you can see the bewilderment in his eyes.

"...Huh," Lohen says, very softly. Illuga stays silent.

You wait for a moment.

"Sor—"

"Don't apologize!" Illuga yells. You immediately clamp your mouth shut.

More silence. You look between the two men in front of you, but neither of them look like they want to talk.

Lohen looks at Illuga, then to you, then back at him, and then at a plant on the wall. Illuga, meanwhile, is deep in thought, staring at something on the ground.

"Interesting answer, bunny. Can't say I expected that from you," Lohen mutters. You stare at him, unsure of whether you should move to placate him.

"Should I not have..." you ask, but they both shush you immediately.

"It's fine. Just. It's us, not you," Illuga reassures. After a moment, you nod and step back.

"I'd be willing to share," Lohen says suddenly. He's still not making eye contact with Illuga, still staring off into the distance. You observe what is unfolding before you.

"That's good," Illuga responds.

There's something extra that's not being said.

"I was hoping that there would be..." Illuga mumbles, trailing off.

"That there would be what?" Lohen asks abrasively.

Illuga turns to him. "You can't seriously be trying to pretend that there's nothing between us right now," he says lowly.

Lohen bristles visibly. "Who said there was?"

"You!"

Lohen turns until his back is toward Illuga, who sighs and walks toward him. Illuga places a hand on Lohen's shoulder, and you walk forward and place a hand on his other shoulder. His head turns towards you, though his back stays turned.

"It's okay to love us both," you tell him earnestly.

Lohen sighs deeply and turns his head back to where he was staring.

"Lohen." Illuga says softly. Lohen's shoulder moves minutely under his hand.

"Can you show us your pretty face?" you ask.

At that, he fully turns towards you both. You wave minutely. Before you can react, Lohen catches your hand in his and intertwines your fingers. He hooks his finger's into Illuga's harness and tugs him forwards so that both of you are crowded together in front of Lohen.

Illuga's hand finds its way into Lohen's hair, fingers curling around the teal strands. His other arm wraps around your waist, and you don't miss the way his eyes light up when Lohen immediately drops his hand to position his arm right above Illuga's.

"Don't say things like that unless you know what you're getting yourself into, bunny," Lohen purrs, leaning in close. One look towards Illuga is all he needs before both men are leaning forward and pressing their lips to both of your cheeks. You feel your heart flutter in your chest.

"Th...thank you..."

"You're so cute when you're flustered," Illuga giggles, kissing your cheek again. Lohen simply watches him pepper your face in kisses before he stops in front of your lips.

He glances towards Lohen. Lohen smirks and licks his lips expectantly. To their surprise, two hands grip them by the hair and guide their heads towards each other until their lips meet in a searing kiss. The way their faces scrunch in surprise and then melt into each other is cute.

Their lips move desperately against each other. Someone makes a small sound that is swallowed up by the other. You can tell when their tongues slip into each other's mouths from the way they move closer together. They're beautiful like this. Illuga's brows are downturned as he groans into the kiss, cheeks adorably pink. Lohen's brows are slightly raised from his focus, and his closed eyes make him look quite elegant as he kisses Illuga.

When they split apart, their lips are wet. Illuga pants heavily while Lohen giggles at him. You admire them both in earnest.

Both men turn to look at you. You waste no time in leaning up towards Lohen to kiss the mole under his eye. When you get back down, though, he leans in to you and locks your lips together.

He's a good kisser. He moves his lips expertly, licking over yours so that you let him in. He guides you. You feel everything blur together from the ohmydays it's happening and the it feels so good. When you split apart, he giggles again.

You turn towards Illuga and lean up to kiss his mole. He smiles warmly at you before eagerly diving in to kiss you also. He's a bit less experienced than Lohen, but nonetheless enthusiastic as he kisses you. It's messy, and when you pull back, Illuga looks less put-together than you've ever seen him (including when he was nearly naked in front of you).

Your heart flutters in your chest.

Lohen and Illuga take a moment to survey you. Your eyes are bright and your face is open and earnest. It's very lovable, and this is part of the reason they fell for you.

"Now we just need find out who can make you the most flustered, darling," Lohen whispers. He giggles. "This is going to be interesting."

"You're still making it a competition," you sigh fondly. "Should've seen that coming."

"Oh, Lohen. It's on, sweetheart," Illuga says. Your heart skips a beat at that nickname. Seeing it make Lohen's cheeks go pink make yours go pink too.

They both quickly press two open-mouthed kisses to your cheeks again. Illuga keeps his modest while his hand squeezes and rubs your hip. Lohen, meanwhile, gently sucks and nips your skin when he pulls back.

With that, you all head back out into the sunlight.

~~~

author's notes: this took a very long time for me to write; i started it at 1pm and its 11pm now (shaving off some minutes, too [there was a long nap in there tho]). ehhh its fine. lowkey wat even is its idek. i was lowkey running out of steam near the end but i hope you enjoyed!