I love when women

You were moving without any breathers. Robby observed you from across the ER. He could see you moving as if running from something. He knew if he tried to send you home, then you would spiral. Every time you moved throughout the ER, he could see your gaze on a specific area. Right where today's losses had happened. He decided to approach you.

“Our board is growing. Can you go to chairs and see if there is anyone we can send on their merry way?” Your first instinct was to argue. Like you were being benched. Immediately, you were going to argue. You knew you wouldn't win against Robby. You kept your mouth shut and did what you were told.

“Yes, of course.” You changed course and went where you were needed. If you moved fast enough, maybe it would help your mind focus on something else. As you walked to your new assignment, you couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of your favorite charge nurse.

Your saving grace was Dana. Ever since you started your residency here, she has helped keep you together when you want to fall apart. She truly was the backbone of the ER. And maybe you felt more than just professional appreciation for her. She made scrubs look very good. She was a spitfire with her wit, but the way she cared for everyone made you melt. There were so many times when you thought maybe she could feel the same. You were naturally a flirt, and she gave it right back just as easily. You were sure it was just a surface-level interaction. You were sure she wanted more than some R2 with student loan debt and a small ass apartment.

You were sure she would be apprehensive about your age gap. You were turning 29 this year, and you were sure she would probably have a problem with the age gap. When she lumped you in with the interns and called you kids, it always stung a little.

Triage was going to be as expected. People were upset with the wait. You understood it. They thought it meant their pain wasn't as important. You tried to assure everyone you treated that everyone is trying their best. Most of the time, it worked. Thankfully, you had some charm.

You were doing your best with McKay to triage. An emergency came through when a man tried to slip through. Mateo successfully stopped him. Every time you saw this man, he seemed angrier and angrier. You caught up with Mateo.

“What's his deal?”

“Doug Driscoll. He has been upset with the wait. He thinks we are purposefully skipping over him and being lazy.”

“Sounds like a real fucking joy.”

You continued as best as you could. You made sure that everyone you saw was taken care of and made sure you were thorough. You refused to lose anyone else today. When you came out to do a check on chairs, you caught Mr. Driscoll yelling at Dana with Javadi next to her. A fire lit inside of you. How dare this asshole yell at them when everyone back there was trying to save lives?! You were ready to step in when you noticed Dana put her hand up behind her to halt you. He was leaving when Langdon stepped in.

After everything was de-escalated, you caught up with Dana.

“Are you okay?”

“Ain’t nothing I haven’t dealt with. Wasn’t even one of the top ten worst moments I have come across. What about you? I could practically feel the anger radiating off you. I was sure you were going to throw a punch.”

“Who me? Please, I am much smarter than that. You take me for some hot head Nurse Evans?”

“Hot is a good descriptor.” You tried to school your features from showing how much she affected you.

“My my flattery will get you everywhere with me, Evans.”

“A girl can hope, Doc.” She got pulled away before you could retort. You were sure that if she turned around to look at you, she would see heart eyes like a cartoon character.

You continued working, stealing glances at Dana every chance you got. You left her a couple of protein bars and a new cup of coffee at her spot. Those moments were your rewards throughout the day. After a particularly tough moment, you went to look for your favorite charge nurse and didn’t see her.

“She’s outside for a smoke break.” Robby hadn’t even looked up from what he was looking at.

“I don’t know who you are talking about. Dr. Robinavitch.”

“Oh yea and I can juggle blind folded. Are we done telling lies? Dana is outside. Could you go check on her?”

“Well, of course I can. I am a team player after all.” You walked a bit faster without looking like you were holding back from running outside. You walked out as you noticed the man from earlier approaching Dana. You were a few steps away when you saw him hit her. He stood over her, yelling something. Your instincts kicked in before he could even try to harm her again. You tackled the man to the ground. You had the element of surprise, but he was big. He tried to push you off. You caught an elbow to the jaw, but you weren’t letting the man up. You took a couple more hits, but by the grace of adrenaline, you were able to keep him under control. Security rushed out and got hold of him. You ran over to check on Dana. She had blood coming down her nose and a bruise forming on her face.

“Come on, darlin. Let’s get you cleaned up and checked on.” You told the security guards you would help her. She whimpered as she leaned into your side.

When you walked in with her, everyone swarmed, checking on both of you. You waved everyone off and wanted Dana to get cared for right away.

“I am fine. Just need to get cleaned up.” Dana didn’t want anyone to fuss over her for this. She was not a patient and just wanted to continue with her day.

“Absolutely not. We need to check for a concussion and make sure nothing is broken.” Dr. Robby was not letting this go.

“Well, tough shit because it’s not happening.” You needed to make sure she was going to be okay. God, did you love this woman, but she was a stubborn little shit.

“Evans, shut up and let them check on you. I won’t let them lay a hand on me until you go first.” She finally looked at you and saw the split lip and bruise forming on your face. You were sure you heard something about “pain in my ass” mumbled under her breath.

You leaned against the Nurse's station. The adrenaline was wearing off, and the pain in your face was really coming through. You felt the hairs on your neck prickle. You saw police escorting Driscoll, and he had the nerve to smirk at you. His smug smile made your blood boil. Your hand curled into a fist. You wanted to throttle him. Someone shouting your name caught your attention. Dana was calling you from her bed. You missed the smirk Perlah and Princess had. You were so soft for Dana.

“Hey, beautiful.” You tried to muster the best smile you could with the pain in your face. You closed the door and pulled the curtain to give you both some privacy.

“Do not ‘hey beautiful’ me! What the hell were you thinking?!” You were stunned at her chewing you out. You tried to think of what you did wrong. Did she not like the flirting? “Dear lord, I am talking about what you did outside!”

“What do you mean, I got that asshole who hurt you!”

“With his size, he could have really hurt you!” It made Dana’s heart flutter thinking about you trying to protect her, but she was worried about your safety. You matter too much to her for you to act recklessly.

“He got what was coming to ‘em!”

“You haven't even been checked out yet. He could have caused some serious damage to you!”

“Why am I being yelled at for doing the right thing!?”

“Because if you got seriously hurt, that would feel a whole hell of a lot worse than being punched in the god damn face.” The way Dana looked at you. Your heart started to hammer. If you were attached to a cardiac monitor, they would think something was wrong with you.

“It was worth it. No one hurts you and gets away with it.” The Charge Nurse softened at your statement. You were worried you were showing your heart too easily. Dana finding out after the hellstorm of a day was not something you could handle. Being rejected and having to finish your shift sounded like hell.

“And here I assumed you were just a softie. Never thought I would see the day when you, of all people, got into a fight. My money would have been on Santos.” The fact that she hadn't lost her ability to tease you was a good sign.

“Glad you haven't lost your wit. I was worried I was going to have to verbally spar with someone else.”

“Please, you can't replace me.”

“I would never dream of it.” The look you gave Dana made her heart speed up. It felt so sincere. With how fast everything moved today, she hasn't had the time or energy to process her feelings. She has been through the ringer while being a nurse. She has been hit, punched, kicked, spat on, and encountered all that you could think of. Today felt like the icing on the cake. She felt done.

On top of that were her complicated feelings for you. Since the day you came in for your residency, she has had a soft spot for you. You brought a kindness that everyone gravitates towards. Yes, you were witty and sometimes a pain in her ass, but you helped her days not be so bad. You always made sure she had easy meals or snacks she could eat throughout the shift. Supplied her with coffee and water without even hesitating. You talked inside and outside of the Pitt.

Dana knew about your crush on her, and maybe she flirted back. You were so important to her, Today you saw her injured, and for the first time, she saw you angry. She would never admit this out loud, but it was kinda hot. And the tenderness you had towards her would have pissed her off if it were anyone else, but you, she could be vulnerable with.

“Come lay with me.” She moved over on the gurney. She could practically see your brain stop for a moment. You came over and lay close to her. You both pulled up the rails so you wouldn't tumble off the bed.

“Is this my reward for being your knight in shining armor? Because if so, I am going to keep being valiant to keep being close to you.” You wiggled your eyebrows at the charge nurse. You swore that her laugh could cure the worst of sicknesses.

Dana's mouth was faster than her mouth. “You don't have to do very much to get close to me, sweetheart.” You didn't realize how close you two were. You leaned in and waited. If this was going to happen, you wanted it to be because she wanted it, not because your emotions got the best of you.

When your lips met, you were sure your heart rate tripled. It was soft and slow. You wanted to be careful with her injury. Your lips still stung, but you didn't care. Nothing could ruin this moment.

The sound of someone entering the room forced you two apart.

“How are my two favorite patients?” Robby was rubbing hand sanitizer into his hands, unaware of the interruption, or he knew better than to mess with Dana right now.

“Call me a patient again, and I'll smother you in your sleep, Robinavitch.” You tried not to look like a lovesick fool when Dana talked. She was even beautiful when threatening someone.

“Ouch, I guess that answers my question. We got your results back, and no surgery is required. It's a fracture. There will of course be bruising, but you know the drill.” He turned to you. “No concussion, just the nice little wound on your lip and bruising. Both of you are done for the rest of the day.” Robby could already sense Dana getting ready to argue. “Also, no fighting me on this. Lena is already here to cover you because I think Princess was going to have an aneurysm covering you, and Ellis came in to cover for our little warrior here.” Robby used his stern voice, ending any argument that you could give.

You were both in the locker room gathering your stuff. No words had been spoken between you since you were together in the ED room. You wanted to ask her out, but would it be the wrong time? Was it the events of today that made her kiss you?

“You think any louder, and the whole hospital will hear.” You jumped at the sudden words Dana spoke.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“You are a terrible liar. Remind me to never commit a crime with you.”

“Please, I could be the best getaway driver the world has ever seen.”

“Bullshit, I saw you try to parallel park today. It’s painful.”

“Hurtful! Also, I can’t believe you watched me struggle and didn’t even attempt to help. What about our oath to cause no harm?” The laugh she gave you warmed your whole body. Even with her wounds, she was just so beautiful.

With how good you were feeling right now, you decided to leap. “At the risk of looking like an idiot, would you like to get dinner sometime? With me? You know if that wasn't clear. Well, I guess it would be, but you know, just in case.” Before you could spiral any further, Dana pulled you into a kiss. There was a slight pang of pain, but none of that mattered when her lips were on yours.

Dana pulled back, and you tried to follow her lips. “Addicted already, huh?”

“God, yes.”

“Yes to dinner. How ‘bout you come over to my place and we order in. No sense in both of us being alone tonight.” You could see the day all over her. Her eyes said it all. It had really shaken her. Anyone else would miss it, but you didn’t. You noticed everything about her.

Tony held his composure even though everything in him wanted to kill Barnes. He was one of the last people to have seen you. The team had been searching for months with no luck. Of course, you had to be a slippery little shit along with being an amazing spy. They asked Bucky to tell them everything about you. “She found me in Bucharest. Kicked my ass thoroughly. The whole fire thing was a lot. She had come from dealing with Zemo. He had plans to use me as a weapon. One, he was going to point straight at you. She told me everything and then apologized before promptly knocking me out. Hell of a right hook, honestly.” Nat smirked, knowing her training with you paid off. He explained the rest of it and how she confined the government to apprehend Zemo for the EMP he planned to use.

You were roaming the streets of New York. It didn't take long for you to break your own rules. You stayed away, but you heard some rumblings of a man trying to take down the Avengers. You leaned on the allies who remained. There was something that made your gut want to jump in. If only you could learn to mind your business. You dropped off Bucky in the compound, and now you figured you would enjoy some food you have been craving. You were almost proud of yourself for getting one over on Tony by sneaking past all his security with a beefy super soldier in tow. Even though the Avengers shattered your heart and worse, you knew the world could still need them. It came with the positive of getting some of your stuff from the room formerly shared with the Witch and the Widow. It was a gamble, but for some reason, they still had your stuff in the room. You didn’t expect to find any trace of your stuff left in the compound, let alone the place where you shared some of your most intimate moments.

You decided to get some late-night pizza from your favorite spot and stay in a motel. You had been working odd jobs to keep some cash in your pocket. You arrived at your room, and it was about what you expected. The shower at least got hot enough for your preference. You could handle literal fire, so all the way hot on any shower setting was good enough. It was one of the positives you focused on. When you showered with your exes, you couldn't put it as hot as you wanted. The pizza tasted off, but did its job. There was a floaty feeling for a second, but nothing else happened. You started feeling off, but you hadn’t known a moment of peace in a while, so you brushed it off. That was a mistake.

When you had chronic pain in your heart, your mind would wander to memories. Late at night, when you couldn't sleep, and you imagined sitting on the hammock, rambling about stars or late-night movies with the team. The silence was something you still couldn't deal with. You were used to sounds at the compound to lull you to sleep. More often than not, you didn't sleep because you couldn't or a nightmare would wake you.

You looked at the dim light next to you. 3 am stared back at you. With a sigh, you got up and got some sweats and a t-shirt along with your trusty cap.

You decided to walk in the nearby park. It would give you something else to focus on. The cool air felt nice. Your body was always hot, but you still appreciated the cool summer nights. If you focused enough, you could pretend that you didn't have nightmares about being kidnapped. Or that sometimes you have hallucinations that linger. Sometimes they felt so real you could swear you were faced with Nat’s beauty or Wanda’s warm smile before they crushed your heart again. The sound of cries took you out of your head. Near one of the statues, you saw a figure pushing another, keeping them trapped. Without hesitation, you ran over and saw a man trying to take a woman's purse. When you saw the way he touched her, your hands ignited. You didn't want to scare the woman, so you extinguished the fire and ran towards the man. Your footsteps were stealthy enough that he didn't realize until you had him on his back. The anger coursed through you as you threw punch after punch. He was unequipped to handle your strength or skills. Finally, he stopped moving, was knocked out, and bleeding. You got up and handed the woman her purse. You looked around for something to tie the man up. Turning to the women, you saw the detachable strap.

“Can I have the strap of your purse? I swear I am not being a weirdo.” You did your best to seem nonthreatening. Even though you just knocked out her attacker, and she didn’t know you.

“Um y-yeah sure.” You tied him to the statue and even melted the knot to make it harder for the man if he were to wake up before the police arrived.

“You wouldn't happen to have a marker, would you?” Thankfully, the woman was prepared, and you went to work drawing and writing on the man. “If it's okay with you, could I walk you home? You did your best to keep a calm composure so as not to make her uncomfortable. The woman gave a slight nod, not wanting to be alone.

The walk was rather quick, and you were thankful that your body was finally getting tired.

“Thank you for saving me. I froze”

“ I get it. When faced with something like that, it is a terrible situation to be in. I'm glad I was there.” An idea popped into your head. “There is a studio on 7th run by an old friend of mine. She teaches self-defense. Just tell her an old hot-headed friend of hers sent you. She will get it.” The woman hugged you before you could turn around and leave. She kissed your cheek and walked into her apartment. You put your hand over the spot, feeling the warmth. Your brain needed a moment to reset. It has been so long since you felt a kind touch. One of care like this. The last time you were touched was when you were being held captive and tortured. The air was nice against your skin. You felt off as you walked back, but assumed you would finally be able to get some sleep. You thought of the woman you saved and the feeling of her lips on your cheek. You grinned as you headed back to your motel.

Weeks had passed, and the Avengers had to start taking missions again. After everything with Zemo, the UN backed off the Accords. With what could have happened with a potential breakup of the group, they decided to kill the proposal. On top of missions and training, they still looked for you. No one dared to give up. Sleep was relative as they were always busy doing something.

Tony was in his lab looking over potential sightings when something popped. A couple of weeks ago, a woman was saved by an unidentified person. They tied up the perp with his crimes written on his chest. This wasn’t an odd thing, but the burnt bushes where the good Samaritan came from were mentioned in another article on the same day. It was the biggest long shot, but Tony had to believe you were in New York. It would make sense why all the other leads around the globe turned up squat. He decided to look at it some more before presenting it to the team. He couldn't get their hopes up, only for them to be disappointed again. He was trying to squash his own hope because he was so tired of leads being nothing. He missed you. Hell, you were the only reason he didn't kill Barnes. He figured there was a reason you brought him here. Tony trusted you with his life. You hadn’t failed him before, and he didn’t think you would start now.

Pepper walked into the lab with a purpose. She had barely seen Tony within the last week. She thought maybe he was throwing himself into work not only to find you, but to avoid Barnes. He acted odd last week, and she needed to check on him. As she walked in, she felt her stance soften at the sight of Tony asleep in one of the chairs. On the screen was a flashing message “Match Found”. Pepper initiated a wake-up sequence. Tony had it programmed to avoid any incidents of waking him suddenly. As Tony sat upright, he couldn't help but smile at Pepper.

“Am I mistaken, or has an angel entered my lab?”

“Still so charming even when tired.”

“Well, I can't help but want to woo you every minute of the day and night. Sorry for falling asleep, I had…. Holy shit.” Tony could only look at the results staring back at him. After all this time, he had confirmed your location. He understands you want nothing to do with the Avengers. The toxin made you believe they didn't want you and had a hand in your torture. His chest did squeeze at knowing you stayed in New York after delivering Bucky. He saw it was late, but this couldn't wait. “Friday, gather the team right away.”

Tony sat near the front of the room, bouncing his leg up uncontrollably. The team could only watch, not used to this side of the smooth former Playboy. It put everyone on edge.

Finally, Nat spoke up. “Tony, what did you call us here for?”

“I'm just going to rip off the band-aid. I found your girl. She is in New York.”

“What!?” Wanda couldn't believe her ears. They have been searching high and low, the whole time you have been so close.

“She saved a woman from being mugged and assaulted last week. There were concentrated burns on a bush, which was unusual for fire. Plus, the woman mentioned being saved by a good Samaritan. She wouldn't give up many details, but from the ones that slipped, it matched her. She has been going around the city trying to help people. Criminals with burns have been popping up.”

The team sat with the information for a moment. They would have to be very delicate in getting you back. It was Clint who piped up with an idea.

The night had a nice chill. You didn't really enjoy it the same way before your powers. However, you still appreciated it. Sleeping was more impossible than before, so patrolling at night helped. Your nightmares were like a lazy Susan of shit. It switched between the victims of Lagos and your former family. If you were lucky enough, after patrolling until you were exhausted, you got away with some sleep. You have been feeling off lately. You couldn’t exactly go to a doctor, so you were just dealing with it.

The routine of walking helped. You focused on the sounds at night. The crickets and birds would chirp while the city sounds would blend in with it. The sound was one of comfort. It came every night and was a regular presence. With all that you have gone through, you look for little things that make you at ease. This was the closest you felt to happiness lately, so you were taking what you could get.

You got to your favorite part of the park, and that was being by the water. There was an irony in being pyrokinetic and loving being near water. You loved to swim and just be near water. You sat at a bench and just listened to the sounds. It started to lull you to sleep when a sound caught your attention. This wasn't a typical sound, so your body was on alert. You decided to play off like you didn’t hear the sound. You continued your walk back to where you came.

There was nothing else out of the ordinary until about halfway, when there were two figures. They both walked into the light, but you didn't recognize either. The girl was wearing a purple outfit with her black hair in a ponytail. She held a bow and had a quiver on her back. The guy's outfit was more recognizable as the hero from Queens that everyone talked about. They didn't set off your instincts immediately.

“Is there something I could help either of you with?”

“Yes, we need you to come with us.” The girl seemed nervous and talked at a quicker pace. She clearly wasn't used to these kinds of interactions.

“You both seem a little young for kidnapping, and by the fact that you asked. I don't just go anywhere with anyone. I recently developed some trust issues.”

The two looked at each other and whispered.

“We can't say why, but it's really important.”

Maybe if they had caught you a few months ago, you would be willing to go where they needed. Even though they don't seem threatening, your insides were saying not to go with them.

“Sorry, kids, not going to happen. I'm sure you two are good at what you do. I have seen you do some good things, Spidey. As for you, little Archer, the last time I saw an archer, it didn't end well, so you are at a disadvantage. I bid you both good night.” You were about to turn and leave when you felt a prick in your neck. Whatever it was was fast-acting, and you stumbled to your knees. You looked up, recognizing blonde hair. Your eyes were getting blurry, and sound was becoming muffled. You could vaguely hear a name that sounded familiar.

“Yelena! What the hell! We had that!” Kate went over to you and checked your pulse. It was steady. At least she wouldn't have to tell Clint they killed you.

“Oh yes, I could tell by the way she was going to walk away from you both.”

“I wasn't done. It was all part of the plan.”

“Sure, whatever you say, Kate Bishop. I got us to the end result faster. You are welcome.”

“OK, no more fighting. We have to get her back to the compound before she wakes up and fries us. Also, we have to explain to the team why she is knocked out. Nat and Wanda will not be happy. Oh God, they are going to kill us.” Peter picked you up with ease.

“Easy, we will put her in the car I took from Tony.”

“You stole from Mr.Stark, too?!”

“You are worried about Mr.Stark when you should be worried about Nat and Wanda killing us.”

You finally came to with a groan. God, you were getting tired of being kidnapped. The fire within you wanted out, but you were holding it back. You were restrained laying down. You were trying to formulate an exit plan until you realized where you were.

“No no no, please. Anywhere but here.” You started to move against your restraints. If anyone were to see you, they would compare you to a wild animal caged. Having your powers dampened on top of that was sending you into a full-blown panic. All the training you had was out the window.

“Let me the fuck out of here. I was minding my business. I stayed out of your way!”

Finally, the doors opened and in walked Yelena. You helped Nat with the relationship between her and Yelena. It was easy to gel with Yelena while she was at the compound. You two would get up to pranks or just hang out in general. She left to help Black Widows around the globe. You kept in contact as best as you could. You wonder if she knew what the team had done to you. How they left you for dead after adding to your torture. What did they tell her to get her to drag you back?

“It is good to see you.” You stayed quiet, waiting, analyzing the moment. “I haven't seen you for months, and you don't even say Hi now? What is with the cold shoulder?

“Cut the shit, Yelena. Why have they dragged me back here?”

“ I need you to keep an open mind when I say this.”

“What do you think the Avengers did to you? It didn't happen. Not really.” The anger was immediate, coursing through your body. How could she tell you what you experienced wasn't real? The pain that happened was so real. The way Nat and Wanda looked at you was real. The way your heart shattered was real.

“Oh yea not real? Because Nat and Wanda didn't say they were better off without me, or the way the team cut into my skin or left bruises on my body felt very fucking real. When I got out of that hellhole, I didn't know where to go. I didn't have a home left. I was lucky and called in a few favors. Helping people recently has been the only reason I haven't allowed myself to drown in the pain. So don't tell me it wasn't fucking real. I have the scars to prove it.”

Yelena knew this was going to be hard. She knew you had been taken and that the gas had caused hallucinations. This was going to be harder than she thought. She didn't want to push you too much.

“I know you went through hell. While you were captured, the team was sent videos of your torture. I accidentally saw part of one. But I can explain there is more than meets the eye.”

“Wait, what?” They saw what was being done to you. They saw the hits, the cuts, the fucking drill, and they still left you? “So after everything, they still left me?”

“Just let me explain.”

“Get out.” The anger was slowly leaving your body. Any fight you had was being replaced with sadness.

“Please let me ex…” Yelena's pushing made your chest flare with anger. You needed quiet to process. What you truly needed was to go back to your motel room.

“Did you not hear me? GET THE FUCK OUT! Either let me out so I can leave this fucking place, or get the fuck out!!” You started thrashing harder at your restraints. She could see your wrists turning an angry red. If you continued anymore you would have open wounds. Yelena left to get you to stop, so you wouldn't hurt yourself further.

Yelena walked to the conference room to meet with the team. Everyone was silent. She knew they must have watched her talk with you. The reality of the situation and how bad it truly was settled amongst the team. Even if they give you the antidote, it won't immediately fix your feelings right away. You have believed for a few weeks that they hurt you and left you for dead.

“I do not have the words to fix all that you're feeling. When I was under chemical subjugation, finding parts of the truth was difficult. You didn't know where you ended, and the lies implanted began. This toxin made her greatest fears real. They used that and manipulated her to torture her further. Likely dressing similarly to you while harming her. This is not going to be easy.”

The whole team was in the room, including Kate and Peter. Wanda felt like she couldn't breathe. Every new piece of information makes this feel worse. Because of those people who took you, you may never feel comfortable enough to be around the team again. They may have lost you for good. She was clinging to Nat as if she were keeping her tethered to reality.

The screen at the front of the room showed you. You had finally stopped thrashing around. You were staring at the wall. Wanda would do anything to know what you were thinking. She thought the first time seeing you again after you were taken would end in her holding you. Instead, you were restrained like a prisoner.

“Maybe Nat or Wanda would have better luck getting through to her?” Sam missed you around the compound. You would wingman for him. The one who could joke just as much as he would. He missed laughing with you.

“We don't know what the hallucination version of them did or said to her. It could end up in a meltdown.” Steve wished he had sent someone with you on your undercover mission. He would spend all his energy making it up to you.

Bucky sat in the back and just watched. You had given him a second chance. He owed you, and now he could help. He was tortured by Hydra day in and day out. They messed with his mind, and he felt like he understood. He slipped out the back while everyone was talking. He knew asking for permission would lead to a no.

You had fallen asleep when the sound of the door woke you up. You were surprised to see Bucky walk in.

“Well, this was an odd choice.”

“They don't actually know I am here. They would have just told me no.”

“Be careful. If you mess up, they leave you to die.” Bucky knew better than to try to defend the others against the memories that you have in your head.

“I never got to thank you. You saved me and gave me a second chance. Not many can say they get that in life.” Your attitude melted a little. You were trying to do good to atone for your sins in Lagos.

“It was the right thing to do. What they did to you was horrifying. I guess in some ways we are similar.”

“I don't know what was done to you completely. Your healing wounds tell me enough, and I can see the wounds others can’t. That and you look like old garbage.”

“You thank me and then insult me? I like you, Barnes. Also, isn't the saying fresh garbage?"

Bucky chuckled. “Yea I was saying you look worse.”

“Steve was right. You are a punk.” You couldn't help the laugh that escaped. Everyone watching through the cameras was in shock. They were going to pull Bucky from your room until they saw how you reacted. Your first laugh sparked a bit of hope in everyone. Some of them thought about kicking Bucky's ass for going in there. Now they couldn't care.

You and Bucky talked a bit longer about miscellaneous topics. From his life back in his time to things you both liked. You caught his face changing, and you had a bad feeling.

“Thanks for acting like this and making me feel normal, Bucky. However, your facial expressions look like someone stole your puppy. What is it?”

“I need you to let me talk all the way through before responding.”

“Sometimes my mouth is faster than my brain, but I will try my best.”

“When you were taken and tortured. A gas was administered. It was odorless and seemed to have no effect, except that there was. It's called fear toxin. You start hallucinating, and it probably feels so real. The man who had it thought he was the first to test it, but you weren't the first subject. I was. The interactions feel so real, but they aren't. You are easily manipulated in that state, so they can make it seem like your loved ones are harming you.” You felt so sick. A part of you wanted to believe Bucky. But if you can't believe your own mind, what can you believe in?

“Are they making you lie for them? Huh? They want to hurt me again, and so they send you in to bond and drop this on me? How do I even know this is even truly real?”

“No, I wouldn't do that to you. We haven't known each other long, but I understand the pain.” He knew he was close to losing your trust. So Bucky lifted his shirt. You saw similar scars that adorned your torso. You knew that he understood, even if your experiences weren't exact.

“Say, I believe you. Then I would have stayed away for nothing? Endured the nightmares alone for nothing?”

“This could be the turning point, kid.”

“Thanks for coming to talk to me. I kinda miss talking to people. Could I have some time alone?”

“Sure, kid.” Bucky turned to leave.

“Wait, Bucky. Could I be unrestrained? You can lock me in here. I just don't want to be tied up anymore.” You were quiet in your request. Afraid of the answer. You looked down at your legs. The restraints came undone, and you stretched.

“Get some rest. It's late.” The room was quiet as you sat down. You had spent some time in these hospital rooms. Every time you were injured in a mission, you were forced by Wanda and Nat to stay to make sure you healed properly. You went to the mirror and looked at your healing wounds. Your bruises were fading, and scarring was minimal. Your powers were still dampened, but you still felt your fire within. There were times when it felt alive. A companion that goes everywhere with you and keeps you warm.

You couldn't sleep, so you decided to do push-ups and sit-ups until you were exhausted. You were feeling floaty again. It was worse than it has ever been. You couldn’t fight it, and finally you drifted to sleep.

You woke up in a darker room. Friday must have dimmed the lights. You noticed Bucky was watching you. For a moment, you didn’t speak. You saw movement out of the corner of the room. The man with the red mask was there. You saw him coming closer. He was walking up behind Bucky. No no he couldn't be here. You hoped he was dead. You tried to get up to make sure he wouldn't get to Bucky. You were restrained again. You could only watch as he stabbed Bucky. Over and over again, as blood poured out of him. You could only scream and yell. You yelled for help from anyone to save him. You broke free and yelled at the cameras.

When you turned the man, and Bucky was gone. There was no trace of blood. You went to the spot where he had laid only moments before and dropped to your knees. There was nothing there. You thought the hallucinations were done, that finally you would be free. Once again, you were being pulled in. This was further proof that Bucky was right about the toxin. You looked at the clock, and sure enough, you had only slept for a few hours. You decided to try and workout to tire yourself out. There was a little feeling in the back of your mind. Trying to get you to notice something. You tried to figure out what it was trying to tell you. It would come to you eventually. Nothing you did would allow you to go back to sleep, so you gave up. You were getting lonely since no one had come to check on you. You forgot there was one person you could talk to.

“Friday?”

“Hello, Phoenix.”

“Glad to see you remember my nickname. I missed you.”

“I missed you as well. How may I assist you?”

“It's pretty early in the morning. Is it safe to assume people are awake?”

“Some of the Avengers are awake. They are currently training.”

“Do I still have permission?”

“Yes, you still have full permissions in the compound.” You were bored and getting hungry. You figured you could sneak out and come back in. You didn't feel like a prisoner, but leaving without the okay felt wrong.

“Unlock the door, please, Friday.”

You walked out the door and felt your powers strengthen. You snapped your fingers together, and flames appeared. You watched the flames flicker for a minute before allowing them to dissipate.

You made it to the main kitchen for the Avengers. The one you spent making dinner in. Where you would grab snacks or spend time with Wanda while she baked. You opened the cabinets, grabbed a couple of granola bars, and went to the fridge for something to drink. You were drinking some juice when you spilled it on your shirt. You didn't have a lot of clothes, and you really liked this shirt. You decided to quickly take it off to treat it with the soap and water in the sink before the stain set in. As you worked on the stain, you looked around the kitchen. It felt different, off. The air felt different. Maybe they had redecorated or something. You wrote off again. There was another mistake.

You focused on the task at hand. You hadn't realized that if what Bucky said was all true, then Wanda and Nat never really abandoned you. You got lost in thought when you heard loud talking before it stopped suddenly.

“Shit,” you muttered to yourself. The team stood before you. You were like a deer in headlights. The people you had nightmares with were here. And they were real. You hope they were real. Panic coursed through your body. Your heart was hammering. The heat in your body was increasing and causing the room to grow hot.

The team took in all the bruises and cuts, healing along your body. Each wound was different from hands, boots, blades, and tools. The one you were most worried about was out in the open. Nat's widow symbol. You tried to cover up as fast as you could. When you looked at Nat, her face said it all. She saw the scar. The sadness was written all over her face. Bucky tried to break the tension.

“Hey, Kid. I was coming to see you. I was going to bring you breakfast. Well, try to make you breakfast and then probably bring you protein bars instead.” You focused on him.

“I was bored. I couldn't sleep and got hungry.” You subtly looked over Bucky to make sure there were no wounds. The image of him dying in your mind.

“You had another one, huh?” You hated that he knew. It made you feel weak. You were supposed to be strong. You controlled fire for fucks sake. You felt comfortable with him, so you decided to be honest. Even if the rest of the team heard.

“The man with the red mask. I see him everywhere. When I close my mind, waking up is never enough. He is always there, lingering.”

“He's gone. We paid him a visit.” Hearing Nat's voice sent a chill up your spine. Her voice was hard. The hatred for those who had hurt grew tenfold. They branded you like an animal.

You sat at the kitchen island, chewing on that bit of information. He was gone. The last person who held you and tortured you. He wouldn't hurt anyone else. You held your head in your hands. It didn't fix everything about you, but it at least gave you reassurance that you were one step closer to being free.

Bucky walked loudly towards you. He didn't want to sneak up on you. You raised your head to look at him.

“There is more.”

“Good more or bad more?”

“Good more. There is an antidote to the toxin. It would stop the hallucinations.” Tears immediately filled your eyes. Currently, you are in a never-ending nightmare. Sleep wasn't an escape, and neither was being awake.

“When can it be administered?” You immediately looked at Tony and Bruce. You knew it was one or both of them that made the antidote. Stark was shocked that you were looking at him.

“As soon as you are done with your breakfast, we can get the ball rolling.”

“Fuck breakfast. Hit me with it now.”

“You should eat first. You will need your strength.” Tony tried his best to reason with you.

“I'll be fine. Let's just do this.”

“I really think that you..”

“No! This needs to happen now. I can't keep doing this. I'm so fucking tired. I can't escape. I close my eyes and see the red mask, and I see what the hallucination version of you all did to me, and I wake up and still fucking see it. So no, I'm not waiting. I'll be in the lab, Stark.” You didn't give anyone time to stop you, nor could you bear looking at the pity on everyone's face.

You sat in one of the chairs while Tony and Bruce got it ready. You were nervous. Would you feel different, or would it feel the same? You hoped to feel the change, just so you know it worked. Stark came over with a nasal mask. The last time you wore one it was for the toxin. You tried to keep calm. You gripped the sides of the chair while Tony put it on.

“Okay, so you will need to take 5 deep breaths.” You nodded and began. The first breath had no effect. The second was also the same. You wondered if you would carry this toxin around with you for the rest of your life. The third left you with a slight dizzy effect. By number four, your mind felt clearer. On the fifth, you felt lighter, almost high.

“If you feel off at all, I want you to either come here or to Dr.Cho. If there are any side effects, no matter how little, you need to tell us.” You really looked at Tony. Even though the memories lingered of the team and what the hallucinations did, you were able to actually look at him. There was something off about him.

“Thanks, Tony.” You put your hand out to offer a handshake. He looked at you with a glimmer in his eyes. This is the first time you have physically reached out since before your undercover mission. Normally, it would be a hug, but he wouldn't push you. He shook your hand. You left the lab and went back to the kitchen. It was empty now.

However, you noticed a plate with your name on it. Opening it, you saw all your favorite breakfast foods. There was a heart with your name on it. You knew that heart anywhere.

You sat and ate, enjoying a home-cooked meal for the first time in months. It brought tears to your eyes when the realization set in. Now, full you asked Friday where Nat and Wanda were. They were in your shared suite. As you got closer, your heart hammered faster. You didn't even know what to say yet. You tried practicing, but nothing felt right. You were on autopilot and knocked on the door. You didn't realize until it was too late. Being face to face with Nat for so long made you want to flee.

“Uh Hi?” Nat is still the best spy, but you knew her twitches and quirks. She didn't know how to respond. “I wanted to thank Wanda for breakfast. It was perfect. But if you both are busy, I totally understand and can leave.” You weren't sure if Nat caught everything you said with how fast you spoke. You turned to leave when a hand caught your wrist. She let go as if burned.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to grab you. We weren't busy, come in. If you want.”

“Sure, I would love to.”

You couldn't help but look over the place you live. Used to live? It felt like another world. The same furniture, but everything was wrong. Wanda, walking out of the bedroom, caught your attention. She and Natasha were still so beautiful. You wished you could will your heart and brain to be on the same page. They were not the ones who left you behind, yet you couldn't consolidate your feelings.

“Hey, did you like breakfast?”

“It was perfect. You are still the best cook in the world.” Wanda lowered her head to hide her blush.

“We were just going to sit down for a movie, if you want to join?” You debated for a moment. You were still technically together, but you had been gone for a few months. You thought they abandoned you. Do you ask? You felt like a stranger to the people you had spent most of your time with. Getting back into the swing of this felt impossible. They played a new rom-com movie that had come out. You figured it was Wanda's pick based on the genre. Before, you enjoyed movies, but now sitting still was a chore. There was nothing that was going to stop you from sitting here with them for this movie. They sat on the other end of the couch together. It made you wonder if the distance really did put an end to your relationship. Maybe there was no longer space for you here.

Without realizing you had gotten comfortable on the couch. Soon after, your eyes started getting heavy. You couldn't help but fall asleep. Nat and Wanda looked over and saw you sleeping. They were happy that you felt comfortable enough to sleep here again. They were worried that you wouldn't ever come back. Nat got up slowly and got a blanket from the bedroom to cover you. It was your favorite blanket. She sat back and cuddled with Wanda. It felt closer to normal. You are back with them in your shared space. They were afraid to overcrowd you. They wanted you to come to them on your own terms.

“She feels more at ease. I haven't read her mind. I won't do it without permission. Her emotions have been a lot. Anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. It's the same ones over and over. Adjusting is going to be hard for her.” Wanda kept her voice low. She wanted you to get as much sleep as you could.

“No matter what, we will support her. That’s what we have always done for each other. Even before we were officially together.” Nat looked at your sleeping form. As much as it would hurt to lose you, your happiness was one of the most important things.

Eventually, Nat and Wanda fell asleep curled together on the couch. They stayed awake as long as they could, watching over you. Afraid that when they woke up you would be gone again.

During your sleep, you shifted closer to them. Nightmares once again plagued you and caused you to flinch awake. You checked your phone at 3 am. You saw your head was laid on Nat’s thigh with your hand resting on Wanda. You wanted to stay close to them, but the uncertainty of your relationship status made you get up carefully. You didn’t want them to wake up to you being gone, so you decided to shower and change into your own clothes. Standing in the shower with the heat turned all the way up was nice. You decided to lower it to be more reasonable. You laid your forehead against the wall and just let the water run over you. After washing up and wrapping in a towel, you went into the closet and found some of your clothes. They smelled like Wanda and Nat. You couldn’t help, but take a deep breath. You weren’t sure if you could go back to sleep. You left them a note and decided to go for a walk outside. You saw Bucky running and decided to catch up to him.

“Hey, Buck. You are up early.”

“Yea I couldn’t take it any longer. Needed to get some energy out.”

“I know what you mean.” You jogged with him for a moment.

“You have a little head start on this whole healing thing. Any tips?” Bucky slowed down to a walk.

“My time dealing with healing isn’t that much longer. It’s a lot. I see the faces of everyone I hurt, more than what was done to me. Not by much, but it’s enough. Your situation was pretty different from mine. I think past me would be shocked I am saying this, but therapy has helped. Stark has a woman who helps. She understands more than you would think. I would say try it out.”

“Talking about it seems harder. I would rather fight it out.”

“I didn’t say it would be easy. It will be worth it, though. Now come on, we have a run to finish. I plan to smoke you. Pun intended.” As Bucky finished talking, you took off running. “You little cheater!” He started running after you while you were laughing. You were almost back to the compound when you felt the wind rush past you. Bucky was at the door waiting for you.

“Damn super soldier speed. I should have melted your shoes to the ground.”

“Yea whatever. I could beat you anytime. Now the loser makes a smoothie.”

“I don’t remember agreeing to these rules.”

“You were too busy cheating. Now hop to it.”

You and Bucky were enjoying your drink, talking, when Nat walked in. She was sweaty from her morning workout. You saw the sweat bead down her neck. Your mouth went dry, and your stomach fluttered. She was so beautiful, especially in little moments like this. You wanted to kiss her so badly. She walked over and grabbed your smoothie while taking a sip.

“Keep your mouth open any longer, and you’ll catch a fly.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Romanoff.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” She handed the smoothie back to you before going to the fridge for water. It felt normal. The back and forth you had with her. You decided that if it would help with your issues, then you would work with the therapist. You told Bucky you would see him later and headed to Medbay.

You were hoping to schedule an appointment to prepare yourself. Instead, she happened to have an opening right then and there. Stupid universe.

She greeted you by your name as you sat down.

“So what has brought you to me?”

“Well, that’s loaded, Doc. I guess I will start from the beginning.” You told her about Lagos, the undercover mission, the kidnapping, and torture. The fear toxin. What started as a stress-filled moment left you feeling lighter. It didn’t completely fix you, but it felt bearable.

“You have been through more than people will experience in one lifetime. It’s hard for your brain to separate the real people who hurt you and who they made you think did it. I think it would be good for you to get back into a routine. I am not saying jump back into the deep up, but finding what your new normal could be. It would be good to remind yourself that the compound is a safe place and the people who surround you do not want to harm you. Make new memories.”

You continued the session and felt good. You actually smiled and decided to go to the conference room. You asked Friday to call everyone. You stood in front of the room and waited. As the team walked in and saw you, confusion was written all over their faces. Bucky arrived last.

“I am just going to lay it all out there. I feel really good, and I am going to ride this until the dread settles back in and I shut down. I want to do a movie night today. Pizza and snacks, the whole nine. I want everyone to be there, even the new little shits that kidnapped me. I need to relearn to be all around you again. I will be damned if those bastards will take my family away from me, too.” Your voice broke in the end. You cleared your throat. “They took enough.”

Tony was the first to speak up. “We'd better start a list of snacks. Most importantly, what movie are we watching?”

Clint piped up next. “No James Bond movies.” He stared directly at Natasha.

“I can’t help it if they are masterpieces.”

“How about a Rom-com?” Wanda tried to sway the team.

“Absolutely not. Something faster paced.” Sam would be damned if he watched another Rom Com.

“You are just saying that because you cried last time,” Steve called out to Sam.

It turned into everyone arguing about genres. You just watched with a smile on your face. Once everyone was clearing out, you saw the Widow and Witch start to leave. Fuck it, you were riding a high.

“Wait, Nat, Wanda.” They both stopped and looked at you. “So I know I have had a hard time reaching out and getting back into things. Honestly, I felt gone longer than a few months. And trying to get myself to understand that it was all hallucinations. What I am trying to get to is.. are we still together?” From talking fast to ending in a quiet voice, you wanted to look anywhere but at the two redheads.

Natasha walked up to you. She put her hand out to touch you, but stopped just short of you. “Can I touch you?” You looked into her eyes and nodded softly. She put her hand in yours. “We have been waiting for you to make the first step. Of course, we still want you. Always.”

Wanda came up next to her and grabbed your other hand. “You complete this trio. You have loved us through our best and worst. We will love you through it all, too.”

You were overwhelmed and pulled them both into a hug. You breathed in their scents. You wondered when they changed their scents. You were opposed to the new ones, whatever they were. It was just another thing that was different.

It was another week, so another team hangout. You got the pizza and some snacks you knew everyone would like. You were excited for tonight. It was a good first step. There wouldn’t be a lot of talking, but you could still be in the presence of the team. You had gone to the grocery store, and maybe you went overboard on food and drinks, but at this moment, you didn’t care.

Bucky was the first in and the earliest.

“Wow, kid, you sure know how to do a movie night.”

“Help yourself. I kept in mind the super soldier metabolism, so there is plenty.” You were sitting on the couch, shaking your boot up and down.

“I know words don't always mean a lot, but I don't think you have to try so hard. They would be just happy to hang out with you.”

You couldn't help but let out a sigh. “I know that. This is the first day that I have felt somewhat good. I may be overcompensating a little. Sometimes it feels like I was gone so much longer. Everything that happened was never-ending so being back here feels like I was gone for a year. I have been having this feeling like I'm the new kid who has to figure out how they fit into this dynamic all over again.”

“As the actual ‘new kid,’ I can confirm they are more comfortable with you. They are trying not to overwhelm and move at your pace. You just have to set it.”

The conversation with Bucky was cut short as everyone started to pour into the common room. They all got comfortable. The final ones to arrive were Yelena, Kate, and Peter. You hadn't seen them since your last kidnapping. You got up and went over to them.

You stared Yelena down for a moment. Neither of you gives any clue to your feelings. You broke first and laughed, pulling her into a hug.

“I missed you, little spider.” You whispered while holding her.

“I missed you, too, hot head.”

Once you broke a part, Kate interjected, “You aren't mad about the whole kidnapping thing?”

“No way. As far as being held hostage, it wasn't so bad. Trust me, I have had worse.”

Yelena snorted, “Still the smart ass I see.”

“You know it.”

You introduced yourself to Peter and Kate officially. You caught the way Kate looked at Yelena. You totally planned to bust their chops. Once everyone was settled, the movie began.

It was a good night. Everyone ate and laughed. You threw popcorn at Sam for talking at the TV. Then you got in trouble because the movie's logic made you mad, so you started talking.

After the movie was over, everyone was just talking and relaxing. It was the moments like this you missed most. The ones where you were more family than a ragtag team trying to do good in the world. When Sam would make a stupid joke, or Steve would act like a Boy Scout. How could you think these people would hurt you? You genuinely thought they would hurt you and leave you to die. From there, you started remembering everything again. You flinched and jumped up when someone touched your shoulder. Your hands lit up, and suddenly you weren't in the compound anymore. The room twisted and changed. The scene of the compound melted away, leaving you back in a room similar to where you were held.

Your body was numb. You had no feeling left. You weren't in the Avengers' compound. You weren’t sure if you ever were.