Alive and Well

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

Cops can murder unarmed Black people and many white folks still jump to defend the police force.

but if you can work just fine and your disability is destroying your ability to have a life outside of work (because work takes all your energy and more)

This is horrifying and gross, because the list includes:

Cranberry sauce and pie filling. (Poor people can forget about making dessert for Thanksgiving dinner.)

Creamed vegetables

Baked beans

Pickles

Pork and beans

Frozen veggies that come in packages featuring pasta, nuts, rice, cheese, or meats

French fries and hash browns

Sharp cheddar cheese, Swiss, and fresh mozzarella, shredded and sliced cheeses (except American cheese of course), cheese food, spreads, and products. Even Kosher cheese is banned unless you apply to get a specific check for it which basically could identify who the poor Jewish people are. (This is really gross and skeevy because of how this is isolating Jewish people and outing them.)

Canned peas and green beans

Albacore tuna, red salmon, and fish fillets

Bagels, pita bread, English muffins

White rice and wild rice

Taco shells

Almond, rice, goat, and soy milk.

Brown eggs and any eggs produced by cage-free or free range chickens, which basically helps corporate chicken farms

Several kinds of infant food

Anything in bulk

The list is actually worse- no peanuts, SEASONINGS, SOUPS, any canned beans, WHITE RICE, anything organic or natural, and anything like lactose free/kosher milk, or anything that might be necessary to a religious group or someone with conditions such as celiac or lactose intolerance basically have to fill out forms which singles them out based on health/religious reasons. 

Oh, but wait…THEY DON’T ALLOW POOR PEOPLE TO BUY IN BULK.

THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING ALLY!

“White Nonsense Roundup (WNR) was created by white people, for white people, to address our inherently racist society. We believe it is our responsibility to call out white friends, relatives, contacts, speakers, and authors who are contributing to structural racism and harming our friends of color. We are a resource for anti-racist images, links, videos, artwork, essays, and voices. These can be used by anyone for a DIY white nonsense roundup, or by the WNR team to support people of color upon their request.

i feel really uncomfortable doing this since i’m not literally dying here but my roommate and i are in a pretty tough situation right now. long story short, we have to raise $1050 usd before the end of the month or else i will be forced to move back in with my abusive family and my disabled roommate will be unable to attend school and will possibly be homeless. (her parents no longer have a room for her. any family/friends who have offered her housing are allergic to her service animal, and that separation would be detrimental to her health.)

This post is going to rushed but I’m still shaking and it’s hard to type but I NEED people to know this

My mom just took my dog to the vet She(my dog) was(still is?) having a seizure

Last month we took my dog to the vet and they told us she had developed diabetes, they told us it was caused by the food she was eating, purina beneful. They told us that there have been many many many reports of Beneful has been causing diabetes, seizures, and even death in dogs.

We had no idea

We immediately switched her food and put her on a special diet plan for her diabetes, unfortunately the effects were already permeate.

Today at 11:20 my mom woke me up crying, I helped her carry my dog to the car (while she was still having a seizure) and watched her drive away red faced and still crying.