goober

Yue Qi, dragging blood covered seething feral teen Shen Jiu to the Peak Lords: "this is Xiao Jiu, he is my friend and he saved my life and killed a demonic cultivator. Can we keep him? Pretty please"

Qing Jing Peak Lord, deciding adopting a malnourished teenager he literally watched on magical cultivator television kill several disciples and then his own master, like that's not going to stab him in the back: "dibs, lmao, this'll be hilarious."

Writes the name Xiao Jiu (not Shen Jiu, it's important for the hilarity) in the book where the disciples names are recorded ...but not the characters for Little Nine. Because of homonyms. Instead the book reads his name as 晓咎 (Xiǎo Jiù).

This character for Xiao means the dawn/daybreak or to understand. The character for Jiu means to fault/blame, or Misfortune/Disaster. Poetically his new legal name can be translated to "Dawn of Disaster" or "To Understand Misfortune". Very in character. But why is this funny? Its funny my friends because of this.

Disciple, waving cheerfully: "Yo, Xiao Jiu! Are you heading to the library?"

(Intent, respectful: "Greetings, Ominous Harbinger of Doom! Shall we study?")

Shen Jiu, stops dead in his tracks, fan snaps shut and his eyes narrow into slits: "Kill yourself."

(What he heard, insulting: "Yo, Little Trainwreck! Off to read some books?")

And, because of this ...For the rest of his life he is referred to as Xiao-shixiong or Xiao-fengzhu. He has to keep a straight face as he's basically called a hot mess to his face all the time and because he's never certain if his sect mates are calling him little senior brother/or our little peak lord or not.

And it's all Yue Qi's fault. Forever. It does not matter if the qijiu misunderstanding gets cleared up because Shen Jiu is going to kill him for telling everyone his name is Xiao Jiu.

Yue Qi, dragging blood covered seething feral teen Shen Jiu to the Peak Lords: "this is Xiao Jiu, he is my friend and he saved my life and killed a demonic cultivator. Can we keep him? Pretty please"

Qing Jing Peak Lord, deciding adopting a malnourished teenager he literally watched on magical cultivator television kill several disciples and then his own master, like that's not going to stab him in the back: "dibs, lmao, this'll be hilarious."

Writes the name Xiao Jiu (not Shen Jiu, it's important for the hilarity) in the book where the disciples names are recorded ...but not the characters for Little Nine. Because of homonyms. Instead the book reads his name as 晓咎 (Xiǎo Jiù).

This character for Xiao means the dawn/daybreak or to understand. The character for Jiu means to fault/blame, or Misfortune/Disaster. Poetically his new legal name can be translated to "Dawn of Disaster" or "To Understand Misfortune". Very in character. But why is this funny? Its funny my friends because of this.

Disciple, waving cheerfully: "Yo, Xiao Jiu! Are you heading to the library?"

(Intent, respectful: "Greetings, Ominous Harbinger of Doom! Shall we study?")

Shen Jiu, stops dead in his tracks, fan snaps shut and his eyes narrow into slits: "Kill yourself."

(What he heard, insulting: "Yo, Little Trainwreck! Off to read some books?")

And, because of this ...For the rest of his life he is referred to as Xiao-shixiong or Xiao-fengzhu. He has to keep a straight face as he's basically called a hot mess to his face all the time and because he's never certain if his sect mates are calling him little senior brother/or our little peak lord or not.

And it's all Yue Qi's fault. Forever. It does not matter if the qijiu misunderstanding gets cleared up because Shen Jiu is going to kill him for telling everyone his name is Xiao Jiu.

Listen, Liu Qingge is a fucking cunt. He's blunt to the point of tactlessness (autism), arrogant as hell (deserved. Man can summon a tornado casually, I'd be arrogant too). He's 30% petty catty bitchiness, 30% ready to throw hands if you breath near him, 10% social skills of a fucking brick to the face, 10% honor code the size of the mountain, and 10% virgin asexual demi romantic idiot (affectionate). People see the honor code and they let it slide because he's a good sort, but my man is the equivalent of a feral badger someone brought to the fight club. Its a good thing he spends 95% of the time on night hunts off mountain or beating the shit out of his disciples or fighting Shen Qingqiu | Jiu, because if the peak lords had to spend actual time with him he'd be as fucked as Shen Qingqiu | Jiu. He's great .... In a very small dose moderation.

You think he was better as a teenager? Fuck no. He was worse!

Shen Jiu is just enough of a bastard to fight a middle schooler. Not to mention early disciple Shen Jiu? No filter, no training to be less of an asshole, spitting rage and poison due to recent very painful qijiu reunion bringing back up a lot of bad memories and hurt. On top of that he's spent 2-4 years with Wu Yanzi in his post Qiu trauma destroy the world era. He's at his worst, not yet taught to be refined, he's 100% a cunt too.

Anyways, imagine for a moment Liu Qingge [personally I like Zhilan for his birth name. Characters: 鸷 (Zhì - Bird of Prey / Fierce) | 岚 (Lán - Mountain Mist), but what do you think?] age 12 meeting Shen Qingqiu [Jiu] age 18 and they meet in like either a dueling tournament or just Liu Qingge picking fights as per usual. She Jiu definitely won, because he's a former street kid and demonic cultivator, he doesn't know the rules of competition fighting. Meanwhile Liu Qingge is probably a martial prodigy at this point, but bored by the lack of challenges, treated with kid gloves by older disciples, too used to competition fighting and too young to NOT be a sore loser. He definitely didn't expect Shen Jiu to break his nose and pull his hair and kick him between the legs. He definitely shouted about dirty tricks like a pissed off wet cat, then immediately resorted to following the only person who didn't treat him like a dumb kid/baby.

And Liu Qingge is young enough (and aroace spectrum enough) that he doesn't immediately set off Shen Jiu's trauma/hate-fear of men. That or he's pretty enough Shen Jiu thinks he's a girl. Honestly, either way, by the time it really registers to Shen Jiu that that kid he's got hanging off him like a particularly aggressive handbag is a man, it's too late he's already given too much trust to that one.

They bathe together (back to back, so no one or nothing can catch them unaware and vulnerable), they sleep together (taking shifts where one is night watcher and the other is safe to sleep guarded), they hang out on rooftops and gosip meanly about passerbys in a way that destroys self esteem, social standing, and will to live all at once. They actively heal each other and make each other worse for four years and then ...

And then the well mission...

But before that Shen Jiu definitely just throws out death threats when mildly annoyed and everyone probably feels the need to tell that socially blind kid that he 100% means that... How else do friends turn so fast if not for a slow poisoning?

And once that belief worms it's way into Liu Qingge head enough to accuse, that breaks Shen Jiu too. Because it's a betrayal on both sides. A betrayal of a perceived murder attempt, and a betrayal of trust/letting someone in only to be fucked over again. For Liu Qingge it's "I can't believe I was stupid enough not to notice the knife at my back all these years" and for Shen Jiu it's "I can't believe after everything you prove to be just as wretched as any other man". Not to mention of Shang Qinghua DEFINITELY exasperated that situation by spilling poison into the water, testifying that Shen Jiu 100% tried to kill Liu Qingge anytime anyone had reason to doubt.

You are correct @haley-harrison if they were friends someone would have mentioned it ... Unless the friendship doesn't manifest as traditional friendship. As far as anyone outside of the two of them is concerned the dynamic is more like...

Liu Qingge following Shen Jiu around yelling at him to fight him until Shen Jiu blows up and attacks him

Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge on the rooftop having a competition over who can verbally dismantle the most people until they cough blood. Unclear who is winning.

Shen Jiu is clearly bullying Liu Qingge to be annoying (he's doing something like reading poetry while laying across Liu Qingge back as Liu Qingge is doing pushups. so Liu Qingge has something to do to burn off the extra energy and he can do his homework in peace.)

The villain halo is too strong. No one really considered that friendship enough to mention it, just a calmer point in the lifelong rivalry.

That or it's just explained by Shen Yuan (SVSSS) being a terrible narrator or straight up oblivious and Liu Qingge just being too confused by how vastly different Shen Qingqiu | Yuan is in general, let alone how different this is to last time they were friends, that by the time he's over it Shen Qingqiu | Yuan is already married to Luo Binghe and bringing up they used to bathe/sleep together and roast the shit out of people for fun would definitely get his ass attacked by his husband and he unfortunately promised to try not picking fights with him.

30yo me: *drops first chapter and runs like my younger self will personally come to hunt me down*

This is not my liujiu age regression/mean girl fic. It's a fucking masterpiece I'm 5 chapters in and going strong.

(Numbers in parentheses are birth order)

Mobei Jun

[Linguang Jun, younger brother]

Wife 1: Yang

Son, Hai (1)

Son, Tao (5)

Daughter, Zhou (7)

Wife 2: Jin

Son, Wei (2)

Wife 3: Xiulan

Daughter, Bao (3)

Daughter, Fang (4)

Daughter, Jia (6)

Daughter, Yahui (8)

Son, Zihao (10)

Wife 4: Baixue

Son, Zheng (9)*

Son, Yuan (11)

Every fifth MDZS textpost: nobody understands the Themes

So some fanartist drew a “sexy” (read: booby) version of a (cartoon) character who is traditionally very non-sexualised. Fans of the character got mad about it because it’s kind of groundbreaking how that character is written and portrayed and this art totally ignores the entire point of the character. They demanded the art be deleted. In response to that other people said, well what the fanartist did may be distateful but they have every right to draw what they’re into. The two sides fight for days and each starts a harassment campaign and even report their “opponents’” accounts.

So far so typical. But things eventually come to a head and they decide that this will be settled by votes - not through a poll. Through donations to a children’s education charity via each side’s portal. Whoever can get the highest amount of donation wins.

Luo Binghe bursting into Liu Qingge’s rooms: I need you to act as Dowager Empress for an event real quick

Liu Qingge, feeding Tianlang-Jun peeled grapes: Fuck no. Go to hell.😒 LBH who knows Liu Qingge’s weakness: Fine…Tianlang-jun………………….Father, can you please convince your consort to serve as Empress Dowager for a night…..or two?

LQG: YOU-

TLJ: Hmm….🤔

LQG: Tianlang, don’t you dare!

TLJ: But dear, think of how ravishing you would look in the Dowager regalia.

LQG: That’s exactly why I don’t want to do it! Shen Qingqiu can do it!

LBH: Shizun doesn’t like this clan and they are hostile to him.

LQG: Then kill them.

TLJ: Darling, you truly know how to arouse me😏

LBH: Withold your flirting until I leave the room, please and thank you.😒 LQG: Hurry up and go, then😒

LBH: They are too politically important to kill off! Do you think I would be here begging for your help if I could have done that?! Tian-Father! Please! Talk to him!

TLJ: Darling-

LQG: Don’t you darling me! He wanted an empire, he got it and will deal with it’s shit himself!

TLJ: Come now, dear, won’t you do it? At least for me? I promise I’ll be there right next to you the entire time. I’ll make sure to match with you.

LQG: No! TLJ: And then, you would be able to watch me use my Big Bad Demon Lord voice that you love so much😏

LQG:……..😳

TLJ: And then, after, this Lord will have to snatch away his pretty cultivator and have his way with him. How could he resist after seeing his prize dressed so prettily?😏

LQG: ….😳…………….F-Fine! Fine, I’ll do it!

LBH:…..You have got to be fucking kidding me.

LQG: Shut up!

LBH: He purrs in your ear and promises to fuck you in his demon form and that’s enough?! LQG: SHUT UP!

LBH: And His demon features turn you on?!?!??! You, who made a whole fuss about Shizun being with me, a half demon, and yet here you are getting hot over HIM?!?!?!?!?!

LQG: Do you want my help or not?! Yes or no?!

LBH: Yes! Yes! Fine! I will send the Dowager regalia in two days.

LQG: Fine.

LBH: And for the love of everything, do NOT fuck in the palace!

Shen Jiu: I'm already very aware of the reality that as a man I am essentially no more than a beast, incapable of anything but hurting others and preying on the weak

At a Peak lord meeting there is a big argument over some rare beast and then LQG grunts and is like "I know who can help" and just leaves and doesn't explain anything. Then a few days later he's dragging in this guy so hot he makes LQG look like he got hit with the ugly stick. He is polite and excitedly explains all this stuff they needed to know like it's no sweat.

YQY asks if he'll stay in the sect for a little while so they can work together. SY agrees and from that point onwards is absolutely wifebeaming basically everyone who crosses his path. Rumor has it that WQW almost threw down with MQF over this guy. Xuan Su and An Ding have been active combat zones for days. Even that prissy bitch SQQ got mildly pink and covered his face with his fan!! Do you understand what this means?!

SQQ never apologised to his disciples either, not in a way that mattered at least. The only parental figure these kids had growing up, gone in the blink of an eye and then back after 5 years only to disappear again.

The widespread tendency to write LQG with a stubborn and sometimes almost delusional conviction that he can defeat LBH in a fight.

I can only assume this comes from the fact that he kept fighting LBH for five years and then again at CQMS, and then offered to keep fighting him for SQQ's sake. But it's not correct? Like, at all?

Canonically, openly admits that he can't defeat him!

He didn't instigate the fight!! They were the ones who tried to take advantage of a "naive" and """delicate""" omega.

A grave mistake.

Not only has he had to endure Shang Qinghua's scolding for the damage to the compound. But now he also has double the paperwork due to the dozens of letters from alphas asking for permission to court him (2/3 of the alphas are demons).

Now Shen Yuan has decided not to leave his side so that his shidi won't get into any more trouble.

Liu Qingge reluctantly agreed because deep down he likes it when Shen Yuan holds his arm while talking about beasts (the omega doesn't notice the alpha's scent on him and the satisfied grunts).

There are two wolves inside me:

Omega Liu Qingge dressed in an extremely expensive red and black robe, observes with resignation and affection the crimson dagger that Luo Binghe gave him.

vs

Omega Liu Qingge in green robes and with loose hair listening to the complaints about the new erotic novel Shen Yuan is reading while lying in his lap like a pampered cat.

Liu Qingge is a cultivator who travels and fights all sorts of foes. He's also a character in PIDW. Because of this, he has a somewhat skewed view of sex (in relation to the real world), and treats things like heats as just something to get through in order to get back to the fight. Of course, with his tendency to travel so much his body is often under enough stress than his heats are short and infrequent. He does not keep track.

When that demonic disciple kidnaps Shen Qingqiu's body he of course goes to retrieve it, fighting Luo Binghe day after day after day without end. The fights are thrilling. Liu Qingge's omegan instincts *adore* Binghe, much as he tamps them down. The man has clearly shown his loyalty, fierceness and complete battlefield control. An *extremely* suitable mate. LQG does not give a fuck about this man, however. But when his heat sneaks up on him he's hardly going to stop trying to get Shen Qingqiu back because of a few hormones.

As great as these daily spars are for Binghe's excess of demonic energy, he's far from being *well*. Xin Mo still requires sating, ever more so in fact. But he isn't a heathen. Just because Liu-shishu is an omega (who can fight, who *does* fight him, snarling and vicious and bright and bold in a way that makes both his demonic instincts and his inner alpha sing) doesn't mean he wants to fuck him. He's saving himself for Shizun, and if shizun won't have him, no one will.

Unfortunately for both of them, they're in PIDW. And PIDW as a setting cares very, very little for what it's characters actually want. So LQG turns up on the cusp of heat. LBH fails to kill to sate Xin Mo for a little too long. They both recognise that the other risks serious injury/qi deviation if they put off their conditions, and as much as they hate each other for their tussle over SQQ, neither truly wants the other to suffer or die. So they dual cultivate to stymy LQG's heat, LBH manages to sate Xin Mo without triggering his own rut (desperately glad that that, at least, he's managed to save for Shizun), and they go their separate ways with a tacit acknowledgement that absolutely no one can know.

Of course, nothing goes the way we want things to go, and neither of these two people can be this casual about sex, at least not with each other. So it happens again. Regularly enough that even LQG recognises he probably should start actually using birth control. But there's no way he's visiting Mu Qingfang about it (how the hell does he explain he's sleeping with their sect's public enemy number one??) So he just visits a regular apothecary and is done with it.

Alas, the protagonist's spawn is a little too strong for some herbs to fight. LQG figures out he's pregnant a month or two before SQQ wakes up in the mushroom body, and everything is chaos for a while. Everyone is too busy trying to get to SQQ (himself included) to really do anything about this right now so he just doesn't tell anyone. Then BQ save the world (in their awful way), and go off and get married without anyone's approval before fucking off to the demon realm for a bit on their supposed honeymoon.

LQG is used to taking pretty much anything that happens to his body in stride so he pops out the kid (an extremely cute brat who, unfortunately, looks exactly like his father after only a few months) and continues his escapades travelling the world just with a baby in tow.

Sometime two years later Binghe finally mentions that he wasn't a virgin when he and Shen Qingqiu finally got together and SQQ responds "Well of course. You're the pro- I mean, Binghe is very attractive and had to deal with Xin Mo. This Master doesn't blame him. Besides, we weren't mates or even courting at the time." He asks no further questions, ostensibly because he expected it (he's seethingly jealous). Binghe very happily does not deign to mention it again.

They visit Cang Qiong for a few weeks on a whim and Shen Qingqiu takes the opportunity to finally catch up with his shidimei, calling in at Bai Zhan Peak. Only. What. Who. Why is there a small child attached to his leg. Why does that small child have a flame-shaped mark on his forehead and a mane of black curls??? LUO BINGHE WHEN YOU SAID YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE-

A plot device baby-tree in which it has to absorb qi from two different cultivators at two different times in order to make a baby. And then when said baby is ready, it *poofs* the newborn straight over to the second parent.

No warnings, just BABY!

Now, imagine if you will a bloody and exhausted Shen Jiu staggering away from the Qiu mansion after burning it the fuck down. He's supposed to meet Wu Yanzi somewhere nearby, but like, he gets lost in the woods along the way.

(What?! it's dark, and raining, probably!)

So Shen Jiu makes his way through this dark and creepy ass forrest, trying not to get eaten or whatnot. He keeps having to lean on tree trunks to stay upright, but halfway through the night he collapses against one and spends the rest of the night there.

In the morning he wakes to mist and fog. He's *cold*, and tries to circulate his qi. He's so drained from the uh, murder, and at this time he's not so well read that he even knows these baby making trees exist.

Anyhoodles, SJ keeps going, eventually meeting up with Wu Yanzi.

SMASHCUT! To ten yers later, when Liu Qingge is hunting some great beast in a dark and creepy forrest. He's been a peak lord for maaaybee a year, tops. He spends a lot of time away from the sect, filling his qiankun pouches with all sorts of beasts and plants and herbs he finds along the way.

Well, even the War God of Bai Zhan has to rest eventually. He's not a high maintenance person, and doesn't bother searching for an inn. No, he just leaps lightly high up into a sturdy tree and sleeps up there.

In the morning, he circulates his qi to warm up.

(You guys get what 'm throwing down, right?)

Naturally, this is the same tree that Shen Jiu accidentally infused with qi all those years ago.

So, nearly a year later, Liu Qingge wakes up in his house on Bai Zhan peak one morning with a baby lying next to him in the bed. The faint crying wakes him up, and Liu Qingge takes one look at the infant (still swaddled in leaves) and falls right off the side of the bed!

He stands up, taking a second look. No, that...that really *is* a baby! But what in the world is it doing HERE and how did it even get here? Is it a demon trying to infiltrate the sect with this innocent presentation?

He should probably just slaughter it.

But the baby opens its eyes. They're clear green.

A deep, familiar green.

The same green of his hateful Shixiong's eyes.

No, Liu Qingge thinks. There's no way...is there? He calls a message array into his palm. "Mu Shidi," he says. "I need you to come to my house immediately. There's a...situation." He releases the array and it reforms into a Golden Eagle, spreading large wings and swooping off through the wall.

Gingerly, he sits on the side of the bed, looking down at the infant. It's...not really crying. It's just looking around. Liu Qingge sighs, then reaches out, stopping the baby up into his arms.