hi I'm baby

and like. do we have to keep gently phrasing things to protect naturally-thin people's feelings. in my life it has never been fashionable to be fat. "fat" is still a bad word. there has never been institutional power pushing people to gain weight; no trillion-dollar industry to "fix" skinny people. a larger body type has never been over-represented in models, influencers, celebrities. sure, people might say "i'm worried for your health," but they do it with respect and gentleness, like they're talking to a scared deer.

every single fucking time i talk about this, i have to be so careful with what i say, in case i offend even one skinny person. it is just true that skinny people have social capital across many cultures. there is a reason you almost never hear someone say "i wish i was fat," but you will constantly see people say "I wish i was thin." and yet inevitably some skinny person will tell me: i thought you wanted body positivity. it is the same fucking attitude as when a cis man says "when you say men have power, well, i've been bullied for being a man. i thought you believe in mental health awareness. don't you know men have a higher suicide rate?"

two things can be true at once: your experience being bullied for being thin was terrible. and people with larger bodies probably have it worse.

i have been big and small. i know many other people who have been big and small. trust what i'm about to tell you: being small is much easier. the world is kinder to you. people treat you better. honestly, this pattern occurs pretty much regardless of gender - my guy friends have confided that they'd rather be bullied for being thin than be bullied for being fat. if you're skinny, the pressure might be to gain weight, sure, but it's often to do so in a way that keeps you skinny - to gain muscle, specifically.

thinness is seen as innate and natural, genetic. whereas carrying any fat - that is a moral failing. it is assumed to be related to your character, your personality. i have seen people equate it to discipline, to hygiene. that bias is why we need to talk about this.

taking in a man you barely know just because he needed a place to stay. noticing mel's loneliness and taking her out for a fun night, even offering to bring her sister along with zero problems. noticing an attempted suicide when no one else did, staying with him and talking to him and showing him that people do care, and life is worth it.

and you've been chewed up and spit out by life over and over again and you're not healed and maybe you never will be all the way but every day you try. you're making a life for yourself, making a career that you're fucking good at, starting to make friends, and if you fail you just keep trying. and you care about doing the right thing. you hide behind a shell but you fucking care. so much.

An absolutely exhausted Samira, who can’t understand why she won’t sleep. It’s not effecting her work, but it shows when she steps out of the hospital. Almost like she is on autopilot when she hits the ER, and the second she leaves those doors, it finally hits that she hasn’t slept in 24 hours. It’s getting to the point where it’s concerning, Dana, Mckay and even Santos are realizing this problem is getting worse. And nothing she tries is working, reading, vitamins, even mediating. She is wide awake. Word gets around and Jack, (who has own issues with sleeping) decides he should help.

It’s incredibly weird at first, Jack in Samira’s bedroom, giving her the best tips he had learned over the years that have helped him in some way. He says that despite the various techniques he has learned, they one way or another fail and he has to try something new, this leads to obvious teasing from Samira. If he can’t sleep why in the world is he helping her? It gets to the point where it’s already late, Samira will try to sleep, but offers Jack her couch because of the time, he takes it and hopes he has managed to help her in some way.

He doesn’t help, Samira stares at her ceiling, thinks how she desperately wants to leave her bed. She thinks to get some water and tip toes her way to her kitchen ,where she finds Jack on her couch also not sleeping. It’s at the point the two decide maybe to just sit on the couch and talk, it’s calm at first, to just sit in the dark and just have a small, quiet, calm conversation.

All Jack can remember is the sound of Samira laughing lowly before he wakes up, on her couch. His head is heavy like it’s never been before. He rubs his eyes like actually rubs his eyes because of how deep he was sleeping. Only then does he notice Samira on his chest. Heavy breathing, curls in her face, and arm over him like she has done it a million times.