my feet are freezing

need to contact a random ass person 'in the industry' that i'm looking at for funsies since the career counselor told me to ("they might become your peer!") and its just bringing up EVERYTHING.

Angry that I have to do this again when I DID THIS ALREADY FUCKING 15+ YEARS AGO AND LOOK WHERE IT FUCKING GOT ME

back then, I talked to 'people in the industry', actually became roommates with one who ended up being a selfish POS who only cared about status and bullied TF out of me, purposely leaving me out of networking shit and pushing me out of any friend group because i was scum to her i guess, gotta look down on someone, huh? hope you felt better about yourself, asshole

so who's to say the same thing won't happen???? been crying about it all week at the possibility of going back to school at fucking 40 when I feel forced to, i have maybe 20 years left so what the fuck man, with my luck, it'll be my mom who dies this time when i'm in the middle of my studies.

i just feel like i'm being told what to do like i did it wrong somehow last time, but I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! the issue was and is that I'm not good enough!!!! i can't fucking go through this again. I have too much baggage and zero safety net.