smellyboy_32

He had come up to this room to practice a waking version of his nightly trances. Maybe he could figure out more about how his body worked with careful noticing of what sensations he still had and how different thoughts shifted those sensations. Initially, he had begun this mindfulness experiment downstairs, where he could still hear all the serenity and bliss exchanged between the other guests of Hal's home and Thaisha, the woman Hal loved who was still a guest yet was at home in this place, as Hal himself worked away in the kitchen.You have a room, you know, Thaisha had said when she noticed the light flickering in his eyes as he shifted between true wakefulness and the depths of his mind. Occtis took the hint and climbed the stairs to the study that Thaisha had relented to him to use as his own temporary lab in favour of sharing Hal's bed this stay.

"There is something in the grasping nature that befouls the earnest intent of true magic. Effortlessness accompanies pure workings of will." Occtis understood what his father had been trying to say, now more than ever, but that only made things worse. He couldn't rely on his father for this, his father never explained anything further, so how does one will effortlessness? How does one will rest? It had been months now since Occtis had last slept truly, back when he still had a heartbeat and a heart to slow its rhythm to feel in all his body the transition from action to rest, and he was starting to forget what the transition felt like.

His father would know what to do, even if he couldn't explain. His father would simply sigh and glance, and with a simple sigh and glance, he would compel Occtis to stillness, and mixed with muscle memory of years of conditionined obedience, and the magic that was supposed to control him through the scar on his chest, Occtis would obey and the spasming would be over. He'd be quiet and could rest and he'd know what he was supposed to do but-

A knock at the door, broke Occtis from his spiraling thoughts.

"Occtis? You decent?" Hal asked through the still closed door.

The first thought that processed once Occtis registered Hal was waiting for a response was why? The door remained shut as Occtis remained silent. Occtis produced no sweat and could prestidigitate any dirtiness from his clothes, why would Occtis be undressed? Occtis remembered then that other thought he'd refused to test. Occtis once was expected to bathe, but maybe if the magical soldering down his front, that he'd kept carefully covered except for the utmost necessity... if the soldering with the aid of the Mending cantrip had repaired him, Prestidigitation likely would clean his flesh. But of course, Hal wouldn't immediately come to the conclusion that Occtis no longer bathed. Especially not for the reason of hiding from the metalwork Thaisha had done so that he didn't remember the cold truth of the cantrip's ability to function.

"Occtis?" The same quiet voice seemed louder the same time, a hint of some sort of urgency in the voice.

Occtis opened his mouth to say something soft back, but as he tried to say anything, nothing came out. He tried to will a word to his mouth. Any. To make any sound, even quietly to himself. Occtis realized belatedly that one of the things preventing him from making a noise was that Occtis had pushed nearly all the air from his lungs, and inhaled sharply.

Speak, Occtis, he tried to tell himself, but he heard it in his father's voice. Do not embarass me further, it continued. "Enter." Occtis grimmaced at the relative ease the brusque and regal command spilled from his lips with.

"Hey so, I know it's late, and you don't have to eat anymore, so don't get up if you're resting, but dinner is finally..." Hal began as he opened the door and trailed off as he locked eyes with Occtis. "Oh. Hey..." Hal peered through the open doorway with a hint of hesitation before stepping further into the room towards Occtis. "Whatcha doing down there?"

Do you believe that to be something that this man would seek to help you with? Occtis recoiled as the memory bled into this voice muttering doubts in the back of his head. There were few lessons that Primus had taught him more explicitly than 'no one is willing to help you'. Everyone who cared for him at all was a hard won friend, and Hal, as generous as he was, had never been given a reason to help Occtis. He'd been given dozens of reasons not to. Even Thaisha still wavered when the world was stacked against Occtis. Hal had his trouble too with Bolaire. Hal was already so generous, and he was working to be kind to Bolaire who was his friend unlike Occtis, so Occtis didn't push his luck.

"It's nothing. I just- You don't have to worry about me." Occtis eked out. "I'll be fine here, you enjoy your dinner."

"Well, feel free to join us anyway?" Hal offered.

"Thank you, that's very kind." Hal looked confused when Occtis didn't move, so Occtis continued. "I'll be here."

Hal nodded awkwardly. "Well, the offer stands. If you change your mind." Hal spoke and quickly retreated out the room.

Occtis tried to breathe a sigh of relief but found his lungs empty yet again. Instead, breathing in, he sought his connection with Pin. Throwing his senses into Pin downstairs, he watched as Hal emerged at the bottom of the stairs and bee-lined straight to Thaisha.

"Hey, Thai..." Hal started quietly.

"What's wrong?" Thaisha asked, immediately reading the concern on Hal's face.

"Something's going on with the boy." Hal whispered.

"He's not just super still with his eyes dimmed, is he? Because that's basically him sleeping." Thaisha whispered back.

"No, he was definitely awake. Responsive, but it felt weird. He doesn't trust me like he trusts you yet, so..." Hal trailed off.

Thaisha nodded understandingly. "On it."

"He's- Well, you'll see, but- He's clearly-" Hal stammered, nervously? "I would go check on him."

Returning to his body, having heard enough, Occtis could once again feel the almost imperceptable movements in every inch of himself. Pin's body had been so still, like Occtis's should be now, though it had never been so still before his own brother killed him. In the matter of seconds it took Thaisha to reach the room, Occtis had fallen so deep back into his own mind that he didn't notice Thaisha had reached the stairs until she had arrived at the door and spoke.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Thaisha asked, swinging the door open. She looked to the bed, and then the desk scattered with papers and freezing when she spotted the hunched body in the corner. "Oh... Hey, buddy... Whatcha up to?"

"Nothing?" Occtis spoke half-heartedly.

"Right. I definitely believe that." Thaisha said bemusedly, slowly walking over to the corner. Thaisha put her back to the wall and slid down and joining Occtis on the floor. "So, what's going on? Why's Hal worried about you?"

"I told Hal he didn't have to worry about me." Occtis grumbled petulantly.

"And you get to decide who Hal worries about because...?" Thaisha pressed.

Occtis sighed heavily. He knew he would have to make efforts for the rest of the foreseeable future, but he'd never even considered that. That he was dictating others emotions and what they could be around him by commanding them not to worry about him. It seemed so innocuous, but Occtis knew how pervasive the corruption of Occtis's sense of any sort of moral scale was.

"I'm sorry... That's not what I meant, I just meant it was unnecessary... and that I don't want to be something he has to worry about." Occtis rephrased himself.

"No, that's not what I meant." Thaisha sighed back, rubbing a hand down her face. "Occtis, Hal found you curled up in a ball in the corner of my room at his house. I think maybe this is one of those times that the person curled up in a ball doesn't necessarily seem honest if they say nothing's wrong. So Hal came and got me because he was worried about you. And I think you're putting too much weight into why you think he doesn't need to be worried. Worry isn't about absence of trust. He cares about you and thinks you're hurting, so why shouldn't he be worried?"

"I don't know." Occtis pushed his shoulders up and down. He would call it a shrug if any of the rest of him had moved with it, but it felt wrong and jerky even as he tried to convince himself otherwise. "I can take care of myself."

"Hal knows that. He wouldn't have left you alone to come get me if he didn't think you could take care of yourself right now. He'd have yelled for me in a panic and I'd have rushed in and we'd both be here right now."

Occtis looked down at his hands, not knowing what exactly to make of Thaisha's words. That Hal wouldn't have left him alone if he'd been more worried was a comfort and yet the echo of his heart ached. He didn't want Hal panicked about what Occtis might do in his home if left alone, but the loneliness of true isolation, even for the minutes it took before Thaisha's presence replaced his, had been more confusing and distressing than any other.

Seemingly reading his thoughts on his face Thaisha softly took one of Occtis's hands in her own, breaking his train of thought, and continued. "Do you want him to come back?"

"He didn't have to go. This is his house." Occtis mumbled quietly.

"And while you're here, this room is your space." Occtis felt his brows furrow in confusion. Muscle memory more than natural expression, but Occtis tried to cool the expression quickly, but not quickly enough. "That looks confusing to you."

"This room is- This house is Hal's, and I get to be here but- it's Hal's space." Occtis started, stumbling through the logic as he spoke. "Like, that's how landlordship works... I get I'm here for free but that's- If I did something that made Hal uncomfortable, he could tell me to leave and he would be well within his rights."

"Is that why you don't want him to be worried about you?" Occtis didn't mean to react again, but he supposed that either he had or the lack of reaction itself gave Thaisha her answer. "Occtis..."

"This is the house his children sleep in. Your children." Occtis defended. "It's enough that he's letting a monster rest here. If I'm just around being a problem, then-"

"Hal! Come up here, please?" Thaisha interrupted Occtis with a shout, and Occtis's gaze finally shot up from their linked hands to Thaisha's face to see her pained and regretful expression.

"What? What are you doing, he-"

"It's just Hal." Thaisha spoke, her tone matching her normal comforting tone, yet feeling out of place as Occtis heard Hal thundering up the stairs.

"But- But I-" Occtis stammered, as Hal appeared in the open door.

"You called?" Hal broke the silence.

Occtis looked between the pair uncomfortably. Hal seemed to be doing the same, but Thaisha's hard-set yet encouraging expression didn't turn away from Occtis.

"Tell him what you just told me." Thaisha said. It was phrased as a command, but Occtis knew Thaisha well enough to know it wasn't one. She wouldn't command him like his father could, and had, but she was determined. Or rather, she had determined that Occtis should tell Hal.

"But-"

"Please. Trust me." Occtis sighed and nodded. Thaisha squeezed his hand before taking a deep breath and asking him again, voice gentler in a more deliberate tone to show her question's nature as a request, "What did you say when I asked why you don't want Hal to be worried about you?"

"Your children sleep here. And you- I know what I am, you don't-"

"And what exactly is that?" Thaisha pushed. "Tell him what you said you are. Please."

"I know I'm literally a monster now. And if a monster is being trouble in the house your kids sleep in, then-" Occtis sighed, gaze dropping as he took a new breath. "Then I would understand if you wanted me to leave."

"What makes you a monster?" Hal asked gently, confusion sounding very real, but Occtis knew better. Hal made his way in the world by being a liar in one way or the other, but if Occtis had to say it, the tightness of Thaisha's grip on his hand gave him the nerve to.

"I know you know. I'm a walking corpse. And I- I know why it took so long for you to get used to me, Thaisha, and, Hal, I understand why you and Bolaire fought when you learned about him being a weapon, so..." Occtis trailed off, eyes locked back onto the way the dark finger tips of Thaisha's hand pressed into Occtis's pale skin, grounding him better than the floor beneath him and the wall at his back.

"Bolaire and I fought because he lied to me for eight years." Hal began explaining patiently "He was my best friend and spent time around my youngest daughter since she was eleven and was lying to me about who and what he was. Albeit as part of how he was able to safely do so, and so we've reconciled but..." Hal crouched down and put a comforting hand on Occtis's shoulder. "Hero is eighteen now and a wizard of the Penteveral like you were. Shadia and Alogar are older than you. You aren't a danger to my kids, and you never have been, and I have no reason to ever believe you would be."

Occtis turned over Hal's words for a flaw or lie. Other than the fact that Occtis's body was nearly made into an angel that would have destroyed Dol-Makjar and the Orchard, which technically wouldn't have been him anymore anyway, Occtis didn't know much about Bolaire and Hal's history together, so he couldn't immediately find one. Bolaire had been threatened to lie to Hal, and Occtis knew that while Hal had been mad before, the longer that Hal to process that, the more Hal had seemed regretful of the distance created by his anger. Even if that were an act or based on Bolaire's utility, it was consistent and unrelated to Hal's perception of Occtis. A true principle of his facade if not a truth. Something Occtis could rely on at least in the company of others.

Then Occtis remembered Hal wasn't his father. Hal had been one of the first to touch Occtis unflinchingly after he died. Occtis could remember the flash of surprise when Hal's comparatively scorching hand had met the skin of Occtis's neck, and how quickly it was schooled so that Hal could comfort Occtis. How easily Hal trusted Occtis to watch over Thaisha as she searched for their son having witnessed the moment where his body sewed itself shut. The open minded yet warning tone in Hal's voice as he walked in on Kattigan pressing Occtis against the winerack in Hal's cellar. All these memories and more like them rushed back to him at once, and suddenly Occtis could smell the jasmine plant in the pot on the desk beside him as though he'd remembered his sense of smell. And as he focused on them, the memories and the scent, the tension that had filled his body when Thaisha called down to Hal began to ease.

"Do you want to tell us what's wrong now? What started this little spiral?" Hal asked.

Occtis heard the unspoken underlying question as well. Who did Occtis want to talk to this about if not them? But looking between Thaisha's slightly pained still but hopeful expression, and Hal's steady and encouraging gaze, Occtis realized that he did trust them both. And more than that, he didn't want either of them to leave him alone like this again, even to get someone else to join them. So Occtis nodded and took a deep breath before cutting right to the chase.

"I- I tried to figure out how to make my blood pump. And I- I don't know what I did but it's like... I'm sorry to do this, but you know when you become aware of your breathing and you can't stop thinking about breathing and breathing feels wrong, and sometimes, when it's really bad, your mouth and lungs and neck all feel wrong until you somehow distract yourself, and you can never remember how you did it last time?"

"Very aware of my breathing now, so yes." Hal nodded, squeezing Occtis's shoulder just a little bit to prompt Occtis to continue.

"It's like that, but- I can- I can feel my entire remaining circulatory system." Occtis explained. "Every vein and artery in my body that's pressed against a muscle feels like- I can't get it to stop trying to pump, and it needs to stop, but I don't want to just- stop..."

"Oh, sweetie... Come downstairs. You don't have to try to eat, but just hang out. It'll be easier to stop thinking about it if you've got distractions." Thaisha rubbed her thumb over the back of Occtis's hand comfortingly.

"But I-" Occtis protest fell away in his own mouth.

"But what?"

"I'd be freaky." Occtis whispered, feeling a rush of embarassment. Or at least the echoes of one with his muscles primed to action and his mind half stuck in memories of his father. "Everything I do now is an act of will. I would- If I were trying to not think about acting normal, it would be easier to do that alone."

"Easier on you because you want privacy, or easier because then we wouldn't make you feel weird about it?" Thaisha pressed.

"Well, both... that's why I would want privacy"

"So more the second one?" Hal asked.

"Maybe..."

"Well, you've met Azune. And you know about Bolaire. If we could get used to them, I think we can handle you going a little still." Hal smiled encouragingly.

"But then- wouldn't you be worried about me?" Occtis asked timidly.

"Sure, at first. But if youre always hiding it, we'll never get used to your new normal." Hal answered easily. "And maybe we won't be perfect about it and it'll maybe take years to get completely used to it, but we want to because this is normal. It's your normal, but this is something normal now, and we'll get used to it because we don't cast each other out for being different."

"But that-"

"We, Occtis. Our family." Thaisha clarified pointedly, squeezing Occtis's hand again as she said we and our. "We don't cast each other out because we're different."

"Oh..."

"Come downstairs and be with family. It'll be alright." Hal promised, standing up and offering a hand to help Occtis up too.

"O-okay." Occtis nodded, reaching out and taking it.

Be with family. Occtis thought he had never quite done that before. But as Thaisha and Hal guided him back down the stairs to the cacophony of the dozen travelers and homebodies alike, and he looked to each of them, hand still in Thaisha's, he remembered those little moments that he trusted Hal for but with each of them instead. Even with those he would've thought none existed for.

A crash of glass as an Elven paladin soared through a window, sparks slinging through the air, a careful hand rested on his stitched chest... A mournful offering of a sword, a secret whispered with fear of reproach, a bold oath of vengeance sworn to be doled out with the target's own knife... The moment his most stubborn professor had first smirked with approval at one of his essays, the unbridled wonder when he'd first shown her his familiar, and the burst of laughter after a particular groaned refusal... The faerie that saw him alone and, despite her fealty to her partner in all things, spent every minute with him possible, who smiled through her grief at how much they'd both grown up, who he trusted more than anyone in the world and would go to hell and back for.

Child hero who should be doing other things more suited to his age? Check!

Works with adult superheroes in a group? Check!

Possible billionaire father figure? Abso-freakin-lutely. Billy's last name is literally "Batson" BAT-SON.

It even comes down to AU stuff too.

Homeless Peter? Billy's already homeless.

Orphan Pete without a legal guardian? Same thing.

Not to mention, there's so much more flexibility with Billy than with Peter. With Peter, you're pretty much bound to only the spidery stuff, and if you wanna expand past that, it's gonna seem weird without context. With Billy, anything can be explained away with magic.

He can shapeshift? Champion of Magic.

He is smarter than the average 9-13 year old? He has gods in his head, because he's the Champion of Magic.

All in all, Billy is legit perfect for the identity reveal, "oh wow he's just a kid omg we're so horrible for making a kid do all of this omg", fics that people love writing Peter Parker into.