Small Mercies is a novel. This blog is an experiment. Xav has been with me for a very long time and is very, very precious to me. https://m.fictionpress.com/s/3365412/1/Small-Mercies
Professor Matthew MacTavish was hit by a drunk driver while coming home from work. He survived, but his life is forever changed. Now, permanently blind, he must navigate a new way of living, and in doing so, he changes lives around him. Because Matthew did not die, others live, grow, and learn from him. Because he chose to forge ahead with his life, he learned to see beyond any limits.
His one faltering step is his disbelief that there will ever be anyone that will truly accept and love him as he is, broken parts and weird parts and daydreams.
But he isn't alone in his journey. While the car accident split his life into Before and After, it also split his friends into Before and After. The ones After were the gold sieved out from the sand. His sister, Amber, is the one who is there for him no matter what. She spent most of her life looking out for him, and she still took it as her duty. While Matthew wouldn't admit to it, he still liked that she did.
There is Peter, who had been Matthew's university roommate back in first year. Inseparable, the pair had developed a comedic timing between them that was almost legendary. Peter set his jaw and adjusted because their friendship was that important.
Then there is that university professor/student rock band he somehow ended up being part of when life started getting good again...
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
They could hear music and laughter coming from the inside of Peter and Chloë’s house as soon as they got out of the car. Climbing up the steps, Mattie heard the sound grow, indicating that the door had opened.
“Hey, gang!” Peter said, greeting them. He patted Mattie’s back, simultaneously guiding him through the door behind Amber. Amber turned, helping her brother manoeuvre the glut of boots in the entryway, to a place he could safely take off his own. He’d brought a pair of sneakers with him, knowing that it was a minefield at a party, with other people’s toes and heels, as well as boxes of ornaments around the undecorated tree as potential points of pain and destruction. He tied his sneakers and stood up, keeping his cane close to his body, waiting for the others to move into the living room. Amber gently guided him in, and Mattie felt a bit awkward not knowing how many people were focused on them.
“Hi, hi, hi,” he said, smiling myopically, as Amber led him in through the press of the doorway to the living room, the people jumping away to let them pass. “I really know how to make an entrance.”
Everyone chuckled and greeted the new arrivals, and Amber told Mattie who was in the room. Mattie remembered Chloë’s brother, Andrew, who had gone zip-lining with them, and his wife Rebecca. Some of Chloë’s friends were there, and Amber remembered their faces from the wedding, but not their names.
“It’s a packed house!” Amber told Mattie, waving at Rebecca. “Want to sit?”
Mattie shrugged. “I guess.” He didn’t really want to sit, but the options seemed few at the moment.
Chloë appeared, and put her hand on Mattie’s back as she greeted them. “Hey, guys. How are you? Hey, Fiánne, I’m so happy you came! Hey, Riley. Amber got your Christmas tree arm ready?”
Chloë graciously and warmly invited them to come sit, and made room for the four of them to sit together, until they were more comfortable to mingle. Chloë was a good people wrangler; she always managed to put people at their ease.
“What do you want to drink? Xav? Beer? Rum and Coke? Wine? Vodka and cranberry? Spiced eggnog? Fiánne? What do you guys want?”
They placed their orders with Chloë, and settled down. Amber told Mattie about the naked tree at the far side of the room. Fiánne, sitting in a small, comfortable chair near Mattie’s left, was quiet, peering around the room with large eyes.
Chloë brought their drinks in two trips, and then sat down beside them, making them feel welcome and included. She told them that Peter and Andrew were going to get the lights on the tree soon, and that it should be entertaining for everyone, including Mattie.
Fiánne knew she drank her first drink too quickly. She didn’t know what else to do with herself. Amber leaned forward, keeping Fiánne included in the conversations going on.
Mattie made a mathematical calculation that was in observance to Fiánne’s quiet in relation to the number of people in her radius. It seemed that Fiánne spoke freely in the company of one person. With two people in her presence, it took more persuasion to get her to speak, but if she felt compelled, she spoke with her own passion. No half-thought out comments, nothing random, until she knew what she wanted to say, and needed to say it. Once there were three people, her voice became less and less frequent, and Mattie lost her altogether when there was a group.
The tree was decorated in time. Amber had joined in with putting ornaments on branches. Peter let everyone know that Amber was actually a professional tree decorator, and that she had years of experience behind her. Amber was enjoying looking at Chloë’s ornaments, it was a change of festive scenery for her. She drew in Fiánne, getting her to help, keeping her closer so the young woman wouldn’t bolt somewhere.
Mattie joined Peter outside on the deck for a puff. Peter informed him that one of Chloë’s friends had been looking at Mattie for the last little while across the room.
“Yeah,” Mattie said. “Curiosity in action.”
“Maybe she thinks you’re cute.” Peter handed Mattie the joint.
Mattie snorted in derision. He was much more accustomed to the staring because they were curious or fascinated by how he functioned. He didn’t like it, mostly, but it was what he was used to.
When Mattie came back inside, he had lost Fiánne’s location. He wasn’t sure if they were still decorating the tree. He could hear Amber and Chloë, and he assumed Fiánne was there with them, but he could not be sure. He followed Peter to the kitchen for another beer.
“Amber’s friend seems like a nice girl,” Peter said. “I’m glad Amber brought her. She’s pretty quiet, though.”
“Yeah,” Mattie said. “She’s a shy one.”
Peter looked at Mattie, waiting to see if Mattie said anything else about her, but Mattie just opened his beer and took a drink.
Pete shrugged, tapping Mattie as he passed him, and Mattie followed. Chloë, on her way to the kitchen, winked at her husband, and squeezed Mattie’s arm.
“Having a good time, Xav?”
“Yes, I am, thanks, Clo. Everyone behaving themselves?”
“So far, so far,” she said back to him.
Mattie stopped in the living room, getting his bearings. People had moved around, he couldn’t be sure where an empty chair might be. He remembered to smile, but not too much. He wasn’t sure who was looking at him at any given moment.
It started to feel to Mattie like the minutes were growing, but Amber, seeing him there, not moving, appeared at his side.
“Hey, Bro. Did I miss something?”
“You did. You need to pay more attention to Peter when he makes the move.”
“Right. Next time. Where ya headed?”
Mattie was grateful to Amber to give him his own dignity and his own choices, without making it seem like she was looking after him, which they both knew she was.
“I don’t know. Is there a chair?”
“The chair you were in is empty. People left it for you, I think.”
Mattie scowled. “How gracious of them,” he said.
“Hey, don’t knock a free chair, Dude. Pick your battles.”
Amber sat beside Mattie again, watching Riley in conversation with Andrew. She was happy that her boyfriend was having a good time with her friends, and her friends’ friends. He seemed to get along well with everyone, and Amber never felt worried that he wasn’t enjoying himself.
Turning her attention to Fiánne, she watched the girl looking through a Victorian Christmas book. Strangely enough, her expression looked far more comfortable and peaceful as she studied the pages than it had earlier. She must have felt Amber watching her, and she looked up, smiling with slight embarrassment. Amber smiled back. It wasn’t anything knew to her, the idea of being at a party, and ending up engrossed in a book. She’d done it herself. She knew her brother had done it everywhere he’d gone, if he had a chance. That was what coffee table books were for, he’d always stated with a frown. Why else would anyone spend so much money on a beautiful book, if not for reading it?
Amber knew that Fiánne was content with her book, and Riley was content with his conversation about reforestation. She patted Mattie on the knee and told him she was grabbing him a tray of sweets. He nodded, settling back with his beer.
He listened to the snippets of conversation going on in the room. He could hear some of the women out in the kitchen. He heard Peter razzing his friend from work, and he smiled. He was glad he wasn’t the only one who got it from the Newfoundlander.
Amber returned with a paper plate of treats for Mattie, and she headed back to the kitchen to help Chloë with some tidying and getting sweet trays ready.
Someone sat down close to Mattie. “Hi,” said a voice. “Enjoying the party?”
Mattie raised his eyebrows, politely answering that he was.
“I’m a friend of Chloe’s,” the voice said. “My name is Katherine, sorry, I should have said.”
“Ah, Hi. Matthew.” Mattie wiped his fingers on the paper napkin on his knee and reached out his hand.
She shook it. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard all about you.”
“I hope you haven’t heard all about me,” Mattie said. “Do you work with Clo?”
“Yes, I do, actually.”
“We love Clo,” said Mattie. “She’s a wonderful woman.”
“She is. She tells us she goes skiing with you, that’s amazing,” said Katherine.
“What, that she can ski?” Mattie asked flippantly.
He heard Katherine laugh. “No, you know what I meant. I can’t imagine being sent down a hill with a blindfold on.”
“Well, it is a bit more involved than that. It’s not like I was chucked down a hill the same day I lost my sight.”
“I suppose. Still.” She smiled again. “What else do you do?”
Mattie instantly felt like a monkey in a zoo. He instantly felt turned off from this person.
“I mostly just go to work, like everyone else,” Mattie said.
“Where do you work?” asked Katherine.
“At the university. I teach there.”
“You teach at the university?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s incredible.”
“I graduated early from school,” Mattie said. “If you think I’m too young.”
“No, I mean, how do you get around? That’s a big campus. Do you have an assistant to help?”
“I have an assistant, most professors do. But he doesn’t help me around or anything. I’m quite capable of that myself.”
“That’s amazing.”
Mattie was tired of being amazing and incredible. He tried his best not to frown. “I’m about to blow your misconceptions away, Katherine. Just listen.
“I live in my own house, on my own. I carpool to work with Peter, we’re going the same way, same place. I’d carpool with him if I was still driving. I have a job, and I get around it just fine. I have some special equipment in my office, assistive technology, but that’s it. I go to work, I teach students, they learn, I come home. Sometimes in the winter, we go skiing. Chloë is a great ski guide. In the summer, I swim and I go sailing in Pete’s boat. I read a lot and I do dorky nerd things on the computer. I’m really, really not amazing. Really.”
“Well, you’re definitely humble,” said Katherine. “I just can’t imagine skiing blind, that’s all. I’m sure you get used to it, though.”
“Sometimes,” Mattie said. He didn’t feel like elaborating. He didn’t feel like smiling for her anymore, either.
Someone moved close, to his immediate right. He turned his head, tilting it up in acknowledgement.
Fiánne, one eye always keeping track of Mattie’s whereabouts, had been watching the exchange between him and the brunette. She could tell by his expression that the conversation was not too enjoyable for him as it progressed. His smile was painted over his mouth, and while he had most of his expression hidden by his glasses, Fiánne could feel the tension in his shoulders and his chest. She stood up, putting the book aside.
“Hi, Matthew,” she said, letting him know she was there.
“Hey, Fiánne. How is it, are you having a good time?” Mattie wanted to cling to her for rescuing him.
Fiánne nodded, a smile on her lips as she told him once more how much she liked his and Amber’s friends.
“Oh, uh, Katherine? This is Fiánne. Fiánne, Katherine. Fee is a friend of Amber’s. And mine, too,” he added.
Her confidence boosted, Fiánne persisted. “Chloë was talking about next year, maybe booking a sleigh ride around Christmas. Wouldn’t that be cool?”
Mattie smiled, already feeling like he’d been rescued from the sea. “That sounds fantastic. Actually, we don’t even have to wait until next Christmas, we could book a day in January or February, or even March. We could all go. It would be fun.” He remembered Katherine, and though he didn’t want to be too friendly, he also didn’t want to be rude at a Christmas party. “Katherine, have you ever gone on a sleigh ride?”
“I think I went as a kid, but not since then. I don’t really like horses that much, they’re pretty smelly and dumb.”
Mattie heard Fiánne quietly whisper to herself, “They’re not.” It was as if she wanted to argue the notion but could not bring herself to be heard.
“I take it you don’t like the outdoors,” Mattie said, a grin on his face.
“I like the outdoors,” the other woman objected. “I go to the beach all the time.”
“Oh. Right. Well, the beach is outdoors, I guess.”
“It’s totally nature. There’s seagulls and wind and sun and vitamin D. I love going to the beach. You said you swim?”
“I swim. Do you swim, Fiánne?”
“Yes,” she said.
“I mean, I guess sun is good, too, but I like to do stuff outside, not just lay on the beach.”
“I guess you can’t really appreciate the sun,” said Katherine. “That didn’t come out right, I’m sorry. I just mean, like, it doesn’t cheer you up or brighten your day.”
“You’re kidding this time, right?” Mattie shook his head, laughing at her. “The sun is great, it’s warm, it warms the ground, it makes things grow. It’s good for the disposition whether you can see it’s light or not.” Mattie was starting to feel disgusted. He couldn’t imagine Chloë getting along with this one somehow. Maybe alcohol made her ignorant. It could do some awful things, so he gave her sober self the benefit of the doubt.
“But you can’t see it at all?”
Fiánne came to life with a start. “Matthew? I was wondering if you wanted to go outside and look at the stars with me.”
Mattie was surprised, relieved, grateful, and ridiculously intrigued by her. “I’d love to go look at the stars with you.”
“Um, Fiona? He can’t see. He’s blind.” She had lowered her voice, which really didn’t make a difference in this instance.
“It’s Fiánne,” Mattie corrected her. “She asked if I would go see them with her. So.” He stood up, unfolding his cane carefully. “Grab our coats,” he said, finding Fiánne’s elbow easily. “Let’s go.”
“Talk to you later?” Katherine asked hopefully.
“Sure,” said Mattie, diplomatic as he could be.
Fiánne was surprised at the turn of events. She hadn’t expected to have him reach out and find her arm so easily, so expectantly. She hadn’t even moved closer. He just seemed to know exactly where to reach out, and she hadn’t spoken a word to guide him to her.
They found their jackets and went out on the back deck, not needing to change their shoes to boots again. Once outside, Fiánne didn’t know what to say next.
“We don’t have to look at the stars,” she said. “You just looked really uncomfortable.”
“Thank you for rescuing me. That’s so humiliating, when people act like they’ve paid the admission fee to ask me stupid questions and get me to perform.” He took a breath, not wanting to burden her with the weights of his world. “And yes, I want to look at the stars. I used to love to look at the stars. Are they out?”
Mattie seemed to scan the sky with his raised eyes. Fiánne watched him imagine the stars sprinkled across the night’s darkness.
“They are. They are winter stars.”
Mattie smiled. He knew, just from those words, what she meant. They were bright, crisp, flickering in the cold.
“Do you know any constellations?” he asked her.
“I know maybe five for real. But I learned others from a book. It wasn’t easy to get to the stars in town.”
“I suppose not.”
“You have a much closer relationship with the night sky out here,” she mused. “I could probably figure out the other constellations, if I had my book with me.”
“Bring it, next time,” Mattie said before he knew he’d opened his mouth. “What are the five you know?”
“The Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, Cassiopeia’s Chair, Orion’s belt, and the Summer Triangle.”
Mattie grinned. “That’s a great start,” he told her. “You can definitely learn the others from those. Show me those ones. Well, obviously not the Summer Triangle, but the others should be visible.”
The Big Dipper was up overhead. Fiánne looked at it and looked at Mattie. She reached down and picked up his hand, cupping hers around his, holding his index finger straight. She lined his finger in her sightline to the stars above them, and pointed to each star, drawing the lines of the dipper. The image, the line drawing, travelled up his arm into his mind and into his visual cortex, and it formed in his imagination. She looked at the serene smile on his face and moved to show him the Little Dipper. She showed him each constellation she knew that way, and she could tell that the smile on his face wasn’t just a polite one when she’d finished.
He lowered his face as she brought his arm back down to his side. “Yes, you definitely must bring that book next time,” he said. “Thank you.”
“Did that... could you sort of imagine them?” she asked.
He nodded. “Oh yeah. I could totally see the stars with you, we should tell Katherine,” he said, grinning when he heard her breath of laughter. Just a little, but enough that he could tell. “I really could. Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Are you cold? Do you want to go in?”
“Do you want to risk Katherine?” Fiánne asked.
Mattie sucked in air through his teeth. “Ooh, right, Katherine.” He smiled. “I guess I can handle her. This cooled off my exasperation.”
“That’s good,” said Fiánne, turning back towards the patio door. Mattie moved behind her, needing no guide. She hadn’t grabbed his arm, or said loudly that she was walking inside. She knew he could hear the crunch of her shoes on the mostly-shovelled snow on the decking. She saw he had his cane. She assumed correctly that he didn’t need her grabbing at him here. Somehow, she knew what he needed, and what he didn’t.
“I think you’re safe,” she said to him as he closed the patio door behind them. “She’s talking to Peter and Chloë.”
“Good,” Mattie said.
“Amber just waved at us. Wanna go over?”
Mattie agreed, and they returned back to Amber and Riley, who were just finishing a shared plate of squares and cookies and candies.
“Where’d you two go?” asked Amber casually.
“Outside to look at the stars,” Mattie replied. Amber eyed him and when that didn’t work, she turned her gaze to Fiánne.
“He needed an escape,” Fiánne stated.
“Yeah,” Mattie said. “I was being cripnotised.”
Amber burst out laughing. Riley, unused to Mattie’s puns and wordplay, wasn’t sure if this was a word that was used in the disabled community or if Mattie had just made it up.
“That Katherine one?” Amber whispered.
Mattie nodded.
“I heard she just had a divorce,” Amber said. “Maybe that explains her empty glass and her flattering flirtation.”
Fiánne, in her own way, was going through her own divorce. She was glad she wasn’t as intoxicated and as obviously coquettish as Katherine. She didn’t want to be annoying to Mattie. That was the last thing she wanted to do.
They headed home just after midnight, and as Riley dropped Mattie off at his house, Fiánne wished he was going back with them to Amber’s. She smiled at him, wanting to reach out and squeeze his hand instead. Her heart skipped when he leaned back in with a big grin on his face.
“See ya, Fee,” he said, raising his hand, bending his fingers up and down at her.
“See ya, Matthew,” she said back before her voice gave out into a squeak.
He closed the car door and Fiánne watched him make his way to his front steps as Riley backed up and turned the car around. She smiled to herself, not realising that she hadn’t done that in a long time.
Mattie’s Christmas Eve wasn’t quiet. Amber woke him up, panicking about at least five things at once. Once she and Riley had left for town, Peter stopped in for a minute. Mattie could tell Peter was really looking forward to the following day, and if he had felt more inclined to spitefulness, he would have teased his friend mercilessly. The fact was, Mattie was envious of Peter. He would be spending his Christmas with his wife, and they would be making memories together, to keep as tokens. Mattie was feeling his singleness more and more as Christmases passed. He was the tag-along now, everyone else was partnered-up.
After Peter left, telling Mattie he’d see him later at Amber’s, Mattie ambled to the kitchen. He glided his hand along the counter, locating the kettle easily. He felt such an ache from the battle going between his heart and his mind. Practically, it was an invitation for inevitable heartache. But emotionally, he wanted a partner. He wanted to come home to someone who cared that he came home. But he was stubborn, and he knew he was stubborn and he knew that Amber would say he was too stubborn to admit he was being stubborn.
It had hurt too much. He never let on to Amber how much it had pained his soul, his heart, whatever that place was that made his whole body want to retract inside a shell, that made his breath falter and his eyes well up with burning tears, when Karen walked away. To wake up, to return to life and consciousness, to learn he was weakened, blind, and left behind by the person he had made plans to live life with. There had been too much shock, too much grief, and each subsequent relationship after Karen, after the accident, had shattered each remaining broken piece of his heart. There was nothing left to offer. There was nothing left for him to believe it could be healed. Maybe, he surmised, the heart couldn’t be healed any more than his eyes.
Sitting at his desk in his study with a hot cup of tea, Mattie turned on his computer. He had some things to check before he was set to start writing. He was getting close to his first full draft of a novel set in early days of the European settlers to Canada. He had two novels on the go, the other was set in the nineteen-forties, as the war was ending. He’d done extensive research on both of them, before and after his accident. The accident had given the stories a new perspective, and it changed aspects of his characters and the storylines he had created.
He was working diligently, his Braille reader steadily click-clicking under his fingers. He would one day get a proper full-size Braille display for his computer, he promised himself. He had become spoiled by the one he had at the university. As a reader and a writer with a need for the internet, it was something that he could gladly spend some money on without guilt. He just wished that they weren’t quite so much money.
The line phone on his desk rang, and he picked it up, delighted to discover it was Lilla.
“Are you at home right now?” she asked.
“I sure am.”
“Goody. I’m taking my Christmas presents and cards around and I wanted to give you yours.”
“I’m here. Ready and waiting. I think Santa may have left something here for you, too,” he told her.
Lilla arrived in twenty minutes, her mother patiently waiting in the car for her daughter to play Santa to all her friends. Matthew was an important part of Lilla’s life. There wasn’t a day that Lynne Roberts did not look at her daughter and gratefully bless Mattie MacTavish for saving her little life.
Lilla held out her gift to Mattie.
“Did you make it?” Mattie asked, feeling the box in his hand.
“Yes.”
“Ah, good, I was hoping you would say that.”
“Really? It’s not as nice as stuff in stores.”
“You’re kidding me? Your homemade stuff is a billion times nicer.” He opened the box, which Lilla explained was red, so she didn’t need to wrap it for him and make it too hard.
Mattie’s fingers explored the inside of the box. He was gentle as he touched the gift inside. Lilla helped him take it out, and he held it in the palm of his hand, his other hand tracing its shape.
He could tell immediately that it was a bird on a nest. He felt the tiny twigs formed into the nest, and the oblong shape with the little round head and a tiny pointed beak. She had used a Styrofoam form of a bird, and covered it in little feathers. Her mother, Lilla told him, had found a package of all kinds of feathers, little ones, bigger ones, soft brown and white ones, stiffer blue ones. This little bird, she said, was like a sparrow, that’s what she thought, anyway.
Mattie could tell she had put much time and effort into the little ornament. But then, she lifted the little bird from the nest and moved his hand to touch inside, and there, he felt four little eggs.
“Beads,” she whispered. “White beads. But they look very much like eggs.”
“They do,” he smiled. “They’re perfect eggs.”
“You can sit her in your Christmas tree. If you had one.”
“I have one I’m sharing, at Amber’s.”
“Oh, okay, you can put her there, okay?”
“I will take her over tonight and put her in the tree,” he said. “I absolutely love her. You make me the best ornaments ever.” He stepped to the bureau by the door and took from it a wrapped present with a big gold bow.
“This might be for you,” he said, grinning.
“It does say my name on it,” she said, peering at the gift.
“Does it? Well, then I guess it is.”
There was a card on top, and the little girl excitedly opened it first. Mattie had once again ordered a set of Braille embossed cards, since they had been a hit the year before, and Lilla was very pleased to have another one.
“What does it say?” she asked, and then answered herself as she read the printed text underneath.
“Will you show me more sometime?” she asked, rubbing her hand along the raised bumps.
“More Braille? Of course I will, Kiddo.”
He heard her tearing at the paper, and then a squeal of delight. “It’s a horse painting kit!” she gasped. “There are three horses to paint! And it has paints! And paintbrushes! And it has pictures to use! Oh, I want to make one an Appaloosa!”
Mattie was smiling. He had found this gift online, but he’d gone into a store in the city to buy it, knowing exactly what to ask for. He’d hoped it would fill all needs of a horse-loving girl who loved to do crafts, and it seemed to be doing just that.
“I love it, Mattie!” The little girl, putting the box on the floor for a moment, threw her arms around Mattie’s waist. He realised how tall she was getting every time he hugged her.
“Thank you so much,” she said. “Will you come visit us after Christmas?”
He nodded. “I will. And thank you so much. I could not be happier with your gift to me, it’s awesome.”
“Merry Christmas, Mattie,” the little girl said.
“Merry Christmas, Lilla. I hope Santa brings you everything you asked for, and more.”
When he closed the door, he picked the little nest back up from the bureau and touched it carefully. He was again amazed at the things she thought of that he could appreciate. She seemed to have an intuition about it.
Mattie spoke to his mother on the phone, and then he spoke to Christopher Garnet for a bit. He ended up taking a nap on his chesterfield in the late afternoon and waking up to the sound of his home phone ringing.
“Ugh,” Mattie said, rubbing the corners of his eyes. “I did fall asleep. Are you home now?”
“We’re back. You wanna come over? Any time is good. Barb and Tom are here already.”
Mattie felt the watch on his wrist. “I slept right through supper,” he groaned.
“Well, if you come over, I’ll feed you.”
“You have enough to do,” Mattie said.
“No, there’s no big to-do here. It’s just us hanging out. I can make you something.”
Mattie shook his head. “No, I’ll eat here,” he said. “I’ll be over in a while.”
He knew he’d woken up in a grumpy mood again. He was already resenting the party of couples, excitedly keeping their secrets from their partners until the next morning when their gifts would be unwrapped. He knew Fiánne would not be there this evening, and he wasn’t sure he could coax a smile onto his face long enough to fool anyone into thinking he was in the mood to celebrate.
He had a beer. He thought about making something to eat. He felt even crankier after the second beer. This was not going to fly at a Christmas Eve gathering. And he knew better. He reluctantly went to the fridge and read the labels on the containers he and Amber had made for the week. Sometimes she made extra and they made up meals so he could just stick them in the microwave when he got home. He put his Braille labels on them and put them in his fridge so he knew where they would be, for times such as these.
He let an audio book play on his iPhone as he waited for his supper, and when it was ready, he arranged everything on a plate along with a dinner roll, and sat at the kitchen table. He ate, listening to the book read aloud. He was glad that Braille had become fluent from his fingertips to his brain, because he much preferred reading in his own mind, than hearing someone else’s voice. It was okay now and again, to listen to a story read by another, especially if it was humorous, but, as he had with reading printed books, he much preferred reading on his own. However, one could not read Braille and eat supper at the same time, no matter how proficient one was at both.
He sighed when he scraped the plate clean, sitting back. He knew he’d feel a little better in a few moments, with some food in his belly. Thankfully, Amber did not send him any more texts asking where he was, because he knew they would only irritate him further.
He stood up, taking his dishes to the sink and rinsing them before leaving them for the morning. He headed to the living room, the side of his hand bumping the wall in intervals until he rounded the corner through the entry, keeping left, moving directly to the piano against the wall. He slid onto the bench and lifted the cover, pulling the sounding board out from the piano and tucking the cover behind.
He let his fingers just rest on the keys for a moment, wondering what they would play. He would love to attack and dazzle like Chopin. Instead, he found his fingers playing Mozart, slowly, carefully, no wrong notes to sour his mood, which lifted with each measure.
He was lucky, he thought to himself. He was lucky he still had two good hands. Many people lost limbs in car wrecks, or had spinal cord injuries that would have ended the use of limbs. He had hands to play this piano that his mother had left for him in this house, to use and play and enjoy as he was now. He had hands to read the books he loved, since he could no longer read them with his eyes. He had feet to take him to his brook, his pines, his log bridge. He had his memory, something he needed more than he ever had before in his sighted days. He knew that brain injuries often came with problems with memory and motor skills, and he had neither. He knew he needed to be grateful. Being blind had a whole set of problems, but they were only problems that had to do with seeing or not seeing. Everything else was in working order, and he was thoroughly glad about that. He acknowledged his fingers as they played, and his feet as they pressed the pedals. He remembered the chords to the piece he was playing and that in itself was amazing.
He often wondered to himself what his body had gone through upon impact of the car into his own. That was one memory that never came back, except in dreams, in parts, and he was never sure if any of them were how it had been in reality. He wondered what he had bounced off of, and how fast the airbag had deployed. The seatbelt and the airbag had obviously done their jobs, they were the reasons why he was still alive at all. He’d had nothing that could not be mended over time and hard work, except that one damaged place deep in his head. They had said that it was probable that Mattie had weakened blood vessels, just naturally, within the walls of his optic nerve channel, and nothing would ever had come of them without the blunt-force trauma to his head. He could have gone merrily along in a sighted world, not knowing how close he was to darkness the whole time.
It didn’t matter now. It was done and it was dark and that was all there was to that. It made him angry that other people didn’t even try to do things when they could see and move just fine. It made him angry that people were amazed he could walk around his university, but they didn’t get out of their car in a drive-through for their coffee. He couldn’t be amazed by that. There was nothing amazing in laziness. People needed to do things with whatever means they had, and stop waiting around. He wanted them to stop being amazed that he could enjoy a movie and that he could make tea or live on his own, and start being inspired to get off their asses and do something bigger. If he could climb a wall, they could all climb a wall. If he could ski down a slope, they could ski, or swim, or zip-line, or hike.
As he moved into Brahams, still lulling his nerves, he thought about how some people with disabilities did not want to be inspiring. He only agreed to a degree; he did not want the fact that he ate and watched television and went to work to be inspiring. But he wanted to inspire people to get up in the morning, and make the day their own. That day only happened once, so they needed to get cracking. He wanted to think that if there was a blind kid who knew he was zip-lining along the bay, maybe that kid would decide that he needed to get up there and try. He wanted people to be inspired to do things themselves, not just inspired to say something about how terrific it was that he was out doing things with his terrible disability.
He stopped, feeling his watch. He’d let his thoughts tumble on so long, he’d lost track of time. He realised he’d played the coda at least three times, and he closed the piano cover over the keys and stood up. He felt much more worked through, as if he’d given his thoughts a massage. He felt relaxed and much less disagreeable. He figured he was ready to go spend a few hours with his friends on Christmas Eve.
“You’re here!” Amber said, happily, licking cream cheese from her hand and hurrying over to take the case of beer from her brother so he could take off his coat. She held the little bag he had brought over with his Christmas cards in it.
“I’m here. Did I miss anything exciting?”
“Nope. Give it ten minutes, Barb may give birth.”
Mattie grinned. “She’s ready to go, is she?”
“Yup. Our little Barbie is as round as a whisky barrel,” Amber laughed.
Mattie pulled off his boots and pushed them back against the wall. “Are my red Chucks here by any chance?” he asked Amber.
“Yeah, they’re right there to your left along the wall, past the closet door. Yup, there you go, those are them.”
Mattie finished tying the laces and headed into the living room with Amber right behind him. A chorus of heys came back at him, and he picked out Riley’s voice, and Tom’s, Barb’s, and Chloë’s. He waved at the room, smiling, and Chloë swept in to squeeze his arm and say hello, simultaneously guiding him to an empty seat as she wished him a merry Christmas Eve. His friends had all become adept at helping him without making it obvious to the room, or even to Mattie sometimes.
“Can I get you anything, Xav?” Amber called out to him. “One of your beers?”
Mattie nodded, flicking his index finger toward her, knowing he was safe to have another one now.
Amber returned, pressing a cold beer bottle into Mattie’s hand.
“Hey, Barbie, show Mattie how big your bell-bell is.” Amber beckoned her friend over, who moved to them, carrying a plate with fruit bread on it, a butter tart in her other hand. She shoved the rest of the tart into her mouth and rubbed her fingers on a napkin before taking Mattie’s shoulders to give him a hug.
“Hey, Hun,” Barb said to him, sliding her hand over his and placing it over her abdomen. “See how big he is? Or she?”
Mattie could tell Barb was about to pop. Her belly was round he couldn’t stand up straight when he hugged her, needing to curve over her middle. He couldn’t help but grin, feeling giddy about his sister’s childhood friend being as pregnant as she was.
“How much longer? A couple of weeks?”
“Yup. I’m getting to the point that I cannot wait to get my body back online, my back aches, my feet ache, everything aches, but I’m also hoping I never have to get to the next step.”
“It’ll be fine. It’ll be worth it as soon as you have that little baby in your arms, and you won’t even think twice about it.”
Barb smiled at Mattie. “Thanks, Little Bro. So how have you been?” She sat down in the chair next to his as he returned to sitting, and they caught each other up on their lives. Tom soon joined them, and Mattie was glad that he’d convinced himself to come over. He wasn’t sure what he’d been thinking, not wanting to be with his friends. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t partnered up, because his friends didn’t care, they just wanted him around with them as he was. They made him happy, and he knew he was lucky to have them. Not just lucky, actually, he was gifted with the friends he had.
Now was as good a time as any to give out his cards, he figured. He asked Amber if she would go get the bag he’d brought over, and she grabbed it off the kitchen counter and returned it to him.
He reached inside, feeling the Braille names on the back flap of each envelope under his fingers, and he slid them out. He found Barb and Tom’s and handed it directly over to Barb on his left. Amber helped Mattie deliver the rest of his cards, and when he passed her one for Fiánne, she smiled, telling him he could give it to her the following night.
“I’ll just leave it here, you can give it to her when she arrives,” Mattie shrugged, pretending he didn’t really care. Though he knew he was now counting down the hours.
“Okay,” Amber said, and set it on the mantle.
Everyone loved their cards, as they had the year before. Mattie had sat with the cards in his hands, reading the descriptions and the inscriptions, and trying to decide which card to address to which person or couple. Lilla’s had been easy, he’d done hers first. The others had taken more time, but he felt quite happy with his choices. The cards were something Mattie felt proud of. No-one else gave out such deliberate and beautiful cards, such personal cards. He’d ordered them even earlier online this year, to make sure he would have them to give out on time.
Amber hugged her brother, kissing his cheek. “Thanks, Xav, it’s so beautiful.”
The others admired each other’s cards and Amber and Chloë refreshed the drinks and the fruit tray.
Mattie had the time to chat with everyone there, and he and Riley had a good long discussion about education, the future of news, the future of books, and the best kind of pizza. He caught up with Tom, with whom he hadn’t spoken for a month or two, and Tom was interested in the activities Mattie was up to at the gym. He asked Mattie about how he found his target and kept his balance when he was hitting the punching bag. He wanted to know Mattie’s take, and his questions never were insensitive. Mattie always felt proud to answer his questions, instead of humiliated by them, which happened with so many others he spoke with about the minutiae of his disability.
Everything was going quite enjoyably for Mattie, until he decided to go up to Amber’s bathroom. He was returning into the living room when he tripped over someone’s shoe or boot, and when he tried to save himself, he careened into the side table, knocking over some kind of decoration with bells on it, and a couple of glasses. He knew he’d hit his knee but barely thought about the bruise that would form there, as his pride was already bruised and getting more so by the second as he righted himself.
“No, I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m sorry, did I break anything?” Mattie shrugged Amber off, and Chloë set the table back in place and put the little Christmas tree decoration back on it.
“No worries, Hun,” Chloë told him, picking up the glasses. One had a piece out of it but it hadn’t shattered. “I’ll just take them to the kitchen. The little tree is fine.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Amber asked.
Mattie knew that the whole room was uncomfortable at the moment, and he needed away from it.
“I’m fine,” he said. “I’m just gonna get a drink of water.”
“I can get it—”
“I’ll get it,” Mattie snapped, and got to his feet. No-one was speaking, and he had to get out of there.
He put his hand out and connected with the frame of the wide opening to the living room, following it around into the hall. He headed straight to the kitchen, needing water or fresh air or something to get the ringing in his ears to stop.
He was gulping down a second glass of cold water when he heard Amber behind him.
“You okay, Xav?” She sounded softer than he’d expected.
He sighed. “Yeah, I’m okay.” The buzzing in his ears had faded as soon as Amber spoke. “I fucked up.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“No, someone left their shoes in the path. But I was the one who didn’t see them. Fuck, every time I start to think I’m just a normal guy, like everyone else, shit like this happens. Right in front of everybody. Right in front of your man. Bet he thinks your brother might actually be a burden after all. Shit, Amber.” The last words were low, and he bit his lip and shook his head.
“Anyone could fall, Matthew. Okay? Anyone. Thank goodness it was you and not Barbie, right?”
Mattie couldn’t help but nod at her logic.
“Nothing was broken. You weren’t broken. It happens. Shit happens. Everyone in there cares about you, they already know you’re blind, so it’s not like that is so shocking. They’re just upset you’re upset. You are okay, right? It looked like you hit that end table pretty hard.”
Mattie felt his knee already throbbing. He gathered Amber already knew by the look on his face that she was right.
“Can I take a look?” she asked, waiting for him to answer before moving toward him.
He sighed again and nodded, rolling up his pant leg.
“Yeah, that’s gonna bruise,” Amber said. “It already is, it’s red, but it’s sort of purply in the middle. It doesn’t look broken, or anything, and it’s not bleeding. Can you bend it?”
Mattie nodded again, bending it to prove to her it wasn’t broken. He knew it wasn’t that bad, but he was glad to have her verify it.
He was rolling his pant leg back down when he heard Peter’s voice.
“Hey, Skipper.”
“Pete, hey.”
“Doin’ okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah. I’ll be... okay. I just needed a minute.”
“Yeah.”
“Are they all... are they having a good time again out there?”
“Sure, Xav. They all went back to their thing. They won’t even remember that. You’re pretty forgettable, Buddy. In fact, you could probably go out the back door and come in again, and they’d forget you had even been here. Just a sec, I’ll grab a bottle of wine you can carry in.”
Amber gave Peter a grateful look and he smiled back at her as Mattie laughed.
“You’re such an ass,” Amber said.
“You took t’words right out of his mouth,” Peter replied, poking Mattie in the shoulder. C’mon, Skipper, I’ll give you a game of What’ll Get Ya Kicked Out of a Christmas Eve Party, hey?”
“Is that any better than the one we played last time?”
“Was it Poke the Bear?”
Mattie nodded, smiling. “That’s the one,” he said.
“I think they pretty much both run on the same principle,” Peter mused.
“Aw, jeez,” Amber said, giving them both a nudge toward the living room.
“I think we’ve already started the game!” Peter said delightedly, and Mattie burst out laughing, breaking his own tension as he returned to the other room.
Seeing Mattie laughing, everyone relaxed, and it felt almost like it hadn’t happened at all, after a few minutes. Mattie knew they hadn’t forgotten, but Amber had often reminded him there were people out there; that he wasn’t in a complete spotlight. Everyone was preoccupied with their own problems. He knew that while blindness did put him in somewhat of a spotlight, he wasn’t so special to be the only one anyone ever thought about.
The party did continue, and Mattie finally decided to head home, not because he was still feeling humiliated, but because he was genuinely tired. He wished everyone a Merry Christmas, and he received more hugs than he’d ever had on Christmas Eve.
He had just sorted Amber’s gifts to take over in the morning and was heading for the stairs when he heard knocking on his back door.
“Hey, Xav?” Amber called.
Mattie stopped, turning. “Yeah? I’m here. Turn on a light.”
Amber switched on the kitchen light and Mattie padded down the hall towards her.
“Hey, whatchya doing here?” he asked, going to her, puzzled.
“Just coming over to wish you a Merry Christmas,” she said. “I didn’t really get to.”
He grinned. “You’ll see me tomorrow,” he said.
“I know. I’m just... feeling maudlin, I guess. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I just hated how quiet it got. I felt suddenly like I was...” He didn’t even know the right word, but freakshow seemed the closest to how he felt. Like they were all glad they weren’t like him. “I just didn’t know what else to do. A joke just wasn’t going to cut it there, you know.”
“They were worried about you.”
“Why does it always have to be about me being vulnerable? I’m always the one everyone worries about. And then something like that happens and it solidifies the fact.”
“It wasn’t about them pitying you, Xav. It was about how you handled it. How you handle everything. How you came back out and enjoyed the rest of the party. When you left, it wasn’t pity they felt for you. They were impressed. And proud to know you.”
“But I don’t want them to be impressed. I just want them to...”
“You can’t have it both ways, Xav. Come here. Look at me.” She took his face in her hands, forcing him to hear her words full on. “Because they are going to feel one way or the other. Because you are an exceptional man. You impress us all with how you handle yourself. That is regardless of disability or ability. You are an exceptional man.
“You were shot into that world of being an amazing human being, just like you’ve been shot into the world of disability. You didn’t invite either. But you can use both to your advantage. I know you don’t like pity, and you say you don’t like admiration, but what else is there? You either feel sorry for someone, or you feel inspired by or admire someone. You admire people, people inspire you. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it inspires someone to work a little harder. So stop being so hard on yourself. Cut yourself a little slack. You can’t be perfection, and you don’t want to be, Xav, because then people will really admire you and be impressed. Just be you. We all like you. Even me, and I had to listen you gargle the alphabet in my face every morning when we brushed our teeth.”
Mattie’s mouth turned up on one side.
“Amber?”
“Yeah?”
“Go home. Go home and wait for Santa with your Fair Riley, okay? I’m okay. Pete’s right, too, no-one will remember that, especially tomorrow.”
“Yes! Well, you’ll be over, right?”
“I’ll be over.”
“And Mum is coming, and, oh, Fiánne is coming, don’t forget.”
How could he forget that?
“It’s going to be a good day,” Amber predicted.
“Merry Christmas, Amber,” Mattie said, giving her a hug.
“Merry Christmas, Xav. I love you, Little Brother.”
“I love you, too, Sis.” He waved to her as he heard her boots retreating toward her house, and went back inside.
Tomorrow. Fiánne.
So Santa might come after all, Mattie surmised as he headed up the stairs.
Small Mercies Chapter 64, a romance fiction | FictionPress
The second concert was part of a fundraiser for children, raising money for food programmes, Christmas gifts, and warm coats and boots. Their band would play two Christmas songs and one of their best covers. The audience was a mix of adults and kids, and it was a much different experience than their other concerts. They met with the organisers in the late afternoon, and their name was entered into the time listing. They were moved around twice before learning that they would play at six-thirty.
Mattie endured the confusion, and he followed along beside Lena, who guided him carefully through the back rooms and the groups of other performers. They carried their instruments, and Garnet had procured a trolley to move Kyle’s drum kit. Mattie’s keyboard case was added on the cart, and Kyle pushed it along behind the others.
They played their songs, the feedback wasn’t as raucous as their previous show, but it was a respectable reception. Garnet helped Mattie set up and pack up his keyboard, though Mattie had practised doing that at home until he could do it fairly quickly.
After their set, they met some of the kids who would have a better Christmas because of this fundraiser. The children thanked them, and asked about their instruments, and if they liked to play concerts. They told them what they’d asked Santa for, and one girl told Lena she wanted to get a guitar and learn to play it like Lena.
On the way home, Mattie thought about how many amazing things had come into his life. He hadn’t thought he could live well again, or even laugh, or enjoy anything ever again, five Christmases ago. He never imagined this life, this amazing life, which was taking him on a journey he could have never predicted. It was frustrating, joyous, and rewarding. It was difficult, emotional, and filled with loving people. And he was in a rock band that actually stepped foot on stages.
When James dropped him off, Mattie thanked him. James assumed Mattie meant for the drive, but it had been James who had invited Mattie to the music room to rehearse with their band the first time. Mattie was beyond grateful.
Mattie knew it was only a matter of time before he was in Fiánne’s company again. Amber was considering having a group of people over to decorate the tree, but then decided that too many people would make a mess of it, and it would be less about the tree and more about a party. She called Mattie the night before, letting him know it was still on, and that Riley and Fiánne both were coming, and could he stop in at the alterations shop to pick her up again when he was coming home with Peter, and Mattie agreed.
Exams had ended, and Mattie was staying in to mark papers and grade exams. His assistant Anders was a gift, and Mattie knew he was going to miss the man next semester. He hadn’t met his assigned assistant for the spring semester, and it worried him a little. However, with Anders still giving Mattie a hand in the exam marking, it was going much more quickly than Mattie had expected.
Fiánne. He couldn’t stop thinking about her all day. He’d managed to put her mostly to the back of his mind for a week, but now, knowing he would be with her again that afternoon, she was at the forefront of his thoughts.
He didn’t even know what she looked like. He had gathered the information that her hair was long, light golden brown, almost blonde, and enviable. He knew she was willowy and graceful. He didn’t know whether she was fair or tanned, freckled or porcelain-faced. He didn’t know about her eyes, or the shape of her mouth. He didn’t know if she wore jeans and sweatshirts, or comfortable dresses, or if she had crooked teeth or a beauty mark on her cheek. She could be anything. And it wouldn’t matter to Mattie, not really. And yet, it somehow, he still wanted to know. He’d deliberately not asked Amber. He never would ask Peter; that would only raise suspicion. He didn’t want anyone wondering why he wanted to know. Even though he’d asked Amber and Peter before about what certain people looked like, he felt this would stick out and they’d know. He was not going to let on, and eventually this schoolboy crush would go away. He knew it would wear off, it was inevitable, because he could not ever be with her. Too many reasons why not, he reminded himself.
At the end of the day, he decided once again to finish a little early and walk down to the shop. The snow had melted, and the temperature, much to Amber’s disappointment, had risen. It made for good walking conditions again, and Mattie wanted to take advantage of the last few days he could safely step on the sidewalk.
Besides, he needed time in his own head, and concentrating on walking the distance between the campus and the little street in the old city centre would keep his mind from wandering too far.
And so, once again, he found himself entering the alterations shop, hearing Terri greet him again.
He remembered to smile. He knew his brain was misfiring somehow, because it wasn’t letting him act like a sensible human at all.
“Hi, Terri,” he said, trying to smile and talk at the same time.
“Hi, Matthew, how are you?”
“I’m well. How are you guys here?”
“We’re all well, too. Well, except poor April over here, she’s working on a jacket zipper and the insulating lining is sending her allergies into top gear.”
Mattie furrowed his forehead in sympathy. “Oh, that’s not good.”
“No,” replied April. “This one really seems musty or extra fibre-y or something. I took some allergy pills but they don’t seem to be helping. The good news is… I think I’ve almost got this zipper in, so I just have to sew on the flappy bits and close the lining.”
“Well, that’s good. You should get danger pay for those things,” Mattie said, facing April.
He heard some clicking as a light turned off, and the sound of steam from an iron. And then he heard Fiánne’s voice, as she quietly gave Terri the slip for the item she’d been working on. Mattie’s chest tingled as he strained his ears to hear her.
In less than three minutes, she was beside him. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi, Fiánne,” he said, his voice much calmer than he’d expected.
“Thank you for coming to get me,” she said. “I don’t have my things with me, though; we have to stop over to my apartment. It’s not far. Is that okay?”
“That’s totally fine. It’s actually nice out, as long as you have gloves.”
“I do,” Fiánne said, and she looked down, seeing Mattie’s hand held out expectantly. She smiled, and placed it on her elbow.
They said goodbye to Fiánne’s coworkers, and exited the shop.
“Well,” said Fiánne. “Isn’t this weather great? Or, wait, isn’t this the weirdest weather for Christmas?”
Mattie nodded. “But is it cold enough for you?”
He heard Fiánne laugh, and he smiled. He noted they’d turned right from the shop and were headed towards the market. He wanted to remember this walk. He didn’t know why he’d need to, but he wasn’t going to let the information float by. So, trying to sound friendly and witty at the same time, he added concentration to his list of mental activities. It was no easy task, and he was glad that Fiánne didn’t try to engage him in small talk, instead, just falling into a comfortable pace and every now and then, giving him a description of something that caught her interest. By her third description, Mattie noticed that she gave him the things that others never gave him. Usually, people gave him the big picture. A building with a stone front. A line of trees. A rainbow. Some kids playing basketball. A staircase with twelve steps, painted grey.
“There’s a woman walking a white dog with a red coat,” said Fiánne. “The dog looks really proud, like he thinks that dogs are supposed to wear coats, and his is enviable. He has no idea that dogs sleep outside, without coats. The woman looks like she might eat the dog, if times get tough.”
Mattie laughed.
“That is the stupidest sign,” Fiánne said. “It says Beat the crowd, Be the trend. I think if you end up in a trend with a crowd, you have defeated your own purpose.”
Mattie thought about that, nodding. “Well, you could be the trend setter, but then, as soon as the crowd begins to follow, you move on. Maybe they mean you invent the style, and then leave it to the crowd to follow. Maybe they want you to sell their clothes by being the trendsetter.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Fiánne said.
Mattie turned to her. “Are you a trendsetter?” he asked with a smile.
“No,” she said. “Nobody would want to follow me.”
“Why not?”
“I… I like sort of weird clothes.”
“Weird? How? What are you wearing now?”
“Like, I just have my own things I like, that I think look pretty or cool, or that make me just feel like sprinkles and sparkles inside. People seem to notice my clothes, but I don’t wear things for other people to notice. I just wear things that make me feel better.”
“And what is making you happy today?” he asked.
Fiánne stopped. “We have to cross again. And then turn down on the other side of the street.”
Mattie, distracted, turned his head, listening for cues. “What street are you on?” he asked.
“MacEwan,” Fiánne replied. “It’s mostly quiet. At least there aren’t any bars around this street.”
“Well, that is a good feature. Is it old? The building, I mean.”
“Old enough. Not stone. Not brick, either. My building is painted green, though, so that’s another good feature.”
Mattie grinned. “Is it?”
“Yeah.”
“Is green your favourite colour?”
“If I have to choose one? Yes.”
“And if you get to choose more than one?”
“Then I choose them all,” replied Fiánne, and Mattie cracked a big grin. “I’ll always take the rainbow.”
Mattie nodded. “I like green, too,” he finally said. “But also blue. And that royal purple colour.”
Fiánne glanced at him sideways. “You like rich colours,” she said. “Perhaps you are of royal blood.”
“Only a royal pain in the ass, some might say,” Mattie said and she giggled.
“Here we are. There are some stairs. Do you want me to tell you how many?”
“No, it’s okay, I can just follow you.”
“Does it help?” she asked.
“Sometimes,” Mattie said, not wanting to impose. Some people miscounted, and tripped him up, and some people told him once he’d already started, and usually it was just easier to follow someone else’s motion, and stop climbing when they did, or rely on his cane, which didn’t lie.
“There are five, and the top one isn’t even, it’s a bit shorter a step up. And there’s a railing on your left, if you’d rather.”
Options. She was giving him choices. He remembered being left behind because he was too complicated to bring along. He remembered being ushered into places, told to stay, never given a choice. As if he was baggage. This was small, a tiny detail, and yet, for Mattie, it felt like she knew what he needed without knowing him at all.
He kept his hand tucked around her elbow, and raised his cane perpendicularly, feeling each step as she rose, following her one step behind.
“A door, opening to the right. And then I have a key for the next door but it’s usually propped open in the day.”
Mattie reached out to hold the door she’d opened, and moved in behind her, finding her elbow once again. They moved in and walked straight, and then turned to the right and climbed another set of stairs, twelve, all even, Fiánne assured him. On the second floor, she led him to a door on the right side. Second door on the right, she said, and Mattie heard her keys jingling.
Her apartment smelled like her, Mattie thought, as he stepped inside, letting go of her elbow so she could do what she needed to do. He wondered at what kind of décor surrounded him. How would she cocoon herself in her own space? He breathed in the scent, listening to the walls, trying to get a read on the size and dimension of the room they had entered.
“I won’t be very long, but did you want to sit down?”
“No, I’m fine, do what you need to do.” He leaned on his cane, happily content with just being there.
She spoke as she collected what she wanted to bring, moving around the apartment. Mattie easily followed her movements, and before he’d expected, she was back in front of him.
“Ready,” she said.
“You’re ready? Okay. Well, let me call Pete, see if he’s left the university yet.”
“We can go back out onto the main street if it’s easier,” Fiánne said.
Mattie scrunched his nose and shook his head at her quickly, a little grin on his face, just as Peter answered.
“Yo, Bro, where ya to?”
Mattie greeted him, chuckling, and gave him the address Fiánne fed him. He said he’d be through momentarily, he was just over getting a coffee right around the corner. He asked Mattie if he or Fiánne wanted anything from the coffee shop. Fiánne declined, so Mattie requested two black teas, remembering what she liked.
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said.
“I sure didn’t,” Mattie said with a double wink.
She blushed and smiled. “Thanks,” she told him.
“Pete’s buying anyway. Always say yes, even if you don’t want anything. He makes me pay most of the time.”
Fiánne laughed, and gave her place a last look around. “I guess I’m ready, if you want to go down.”
“Lead on,” Mattie said, putting out his hand. He didn’t need to hold her elbow, he could navigate just fine on his own, but this gave him the excuse to touch her. Even if he didn’t actually make contact with her skin through the winter coat, he still felt a kind of excitement just connecting with her in any way.
Back down the stairs and out on the street, Fiánne asked Mattie about exams, and about Amber’s decorating. Mattie was just telling her about the tree they’d gone out for, and how, when Amber and Riley brought it in the night before, they’d gotten it stuck in the entryway and called Mattie while trying to dislodge it, to tell him they might need his help. Fifteen minutes later, Amber called Mattie back to let him know they’d managed to get it into the living room.
“Something like this happens every year,” Mattie told Fiánne. “She likes big trees.”
“Can’t say I blame her,” Fiánne said. “If I had a big room with a high ceiling, I’d like a big tree, too.”
Fiánne smiled, hearing Peter’s truck and seeing Mattie’s face lift in recognition. They waited as Peter pulled up to the curb in front of him, and Mattie opened the door and pulled the seat forward for Fiánne to put her stuff in. Once she told him it was all in, he dropped the seat back and climbed in, once again letting Fiánne have the window seat.
This time, the conversation didn’t seem so staged. They knew each other better, and Mattie definitely felt less anxious. He asked Fiánne about the work at the shop, and Fiánne said that they just done an order of twenty-one football jackets with names and logos, and they celebrated with cake when they’d finished the last one.
The drive seemed a normal length, and Mattie knew it was because he’d known the whole time that he’d see more of Fiánne that night. The ride home wasn’t it. When they reached Amber’s, once again, Mattie walked back across the field to his place, but this time, he told them he’d be back over as soon as he’d changed. He knew Amber had food planned, so he wasn’t too hurried to make himself anything.
He took a shower and shaved, and then went through his closet. He wasn’t proud of how long it took to choose something to put on. In the end, he went with a pair of dark green jeans and a white button-down shirt with a grey pullover sweater. He strapped on his watch and felt the time under his fingertip. He knew he could go back over any time, but he didn’t want to look too eager. He consciously waited until Amber texted him the first time.
You can come over any time, Bro. Riley will be here by seven-thirty.
Mattie arrived nearly at the same time as Riley. He was just taking off his boots when Riley’s car pulled in.
He had not thought about the benefit of Riley being there. It meant that Riley and Amber were a couple, and they did couple things. Which left Fiánne to Mattie, by default. However, before that happened, Amber and Fiánne finished their preparations in the kitchen, and Mattie and Riley were sent to the living room to sort out the lights. Amber handed them each a beer.
“Damn, I came too early,” said Riley.
“You’re kidding, right? I wouldn’t be left to this on my own.” Mattie found his favourite chair and put his beer in front of it. “Here’s my deal, though, since we’ve been roped into this activity. I’ll untangle any lights that need untangling, but you’re going to have to be the one to check for burnouts. And also to put the lights on the tree, because I’d end up with all the red lights in one spot and have no lights on one whole side.”
“You’d probably do better than that,” Riley said, surveying Amber’s Rubbermaid totes. He had no trouble discerning which one had the lights, as they were all clearly marked. “Okay, well, here are some lights… There look to be about a dozen strings here.”
Mattie nodded, apologetically. “Yeah. That sounds about right,” he said.
“Uh, I think your deal was rigged,” Riley said, taking out the neatly and separately wrapped lights and placing them on the floor beside the bin.
“Are they not tangled?” Mattie asked, sitting forward, surprised.
“They are not,” Riley said. “Are they normally tangled?”
“Yup,” said Mattie, smiling, and leaning back in the chair.
“Don’t look so smug,” said Riley.
“Normally they are tangled, I swear. I usually have to untangle them. Someone else must have taken them down last year. Well, that’s my job done.”
When Amber and Fiánne came into the living room, Riley had most of the strings of lights checked, and hadn’t found any burned out bulbs.
“Xav, there’s a cheese tray and a cracker tray. Do you want the layout of the types?”
“Nope. I’ll eat what I find,” Mattie said.
“Okay,” Amber replied. “Also, there’s a bowl of pretzels. And a bowl of bits and bites.”
“Which is which?” asked Mattie.
“Yeah,” said Amber. “Xav doesn’t like pretzels. But he’ll eat them in bits and bites.”
“Not if I can help it,” Mattie said. “So?”
“One on the far end is just pretzels. One next in is your little cheerios and peanuts and shreddies mix.”
“Thank-you,” Mattie said, scuttling forward, his hand scanning for both the coffee table and anything in his path. “Anything else?”
“There’s sweets for later. But there is a veggie tray coming, too.”
Mattie could get by on veggies and salty carbs and sweets, because there was also beer and the gentle smell of patchouli and wooded waterfalls coming from somewhere to Mattie’s right. The scent of the tree on his left mixed together with that, and the smell of cranberry-scented candles in front of his nostrils, and he knew that he was creating what he thought of as a restore point in his memory. He would always come back to this moment whenever he smelled that mix again. Each was distinct, and yet together, gave Mattie a strong sense of the world around him.
“Okay, so how are the lights? All working? Totally awesome.”
“Did you wrap them up?” Mattie asked her. “It’s so unlike you.”
“I took a cue from you, Little Brother. And look, they all work!”
“Well, I’m happy for you,” said Mattie, not moving back to the seat. He was closer to Fiánne this way.
“So,” Riley said. “What do we all do? This is a big tree. It could take a while.”
“I document the event. I’m the official photographer.”
“You are, huh?” said Riley. “Why does that not surprise me?”
“Usually I’m too intoxicated to focus properly.”
“Oh, is that the reason?” Riley was laughing. “Jeez, Xav, I never expect half of what you tell me, and I don’t believe the other half.”
“I can show you the pictures he’s taken of the tree decorating in the past,” Amber said. “You’ll definitely believe him then. I think there’s a photo of my arm and the wall, and there’s a tiny, tiny end of a tree branch. We debated on making that our Christmas card the next year.”
“Festive,” said Riley.
They decided that Riley would do the lights, Amber and Fiánne would drape the garland, and Mattie would refresh the drinks. Riley helped Amber and Fiánne at first with the ornaments, but soon, he joined Mattie in just taking ornaments out of boxes and tissue wrap and handing them to the girls. Mattie stuck close to the table, and Amber brought the vegetable tray in and whispered the layout to him, though Mattie knew it was pretty obvious to Riley and Fiánne that she was helping him navigate. It was moments like these, when there were people around that he had not known for years, when he felt the most awkward and uncomfortable at moments he thought of as Inevitable Disabled Moments. He usually couldn’t avoid them, or if he did, he missed out on knowing what was going on around him. But he knew these moments were liable to cause pity or curiosity or something worse, dismissal of his abilities and his validity as a person.
“Thanks,” he said, feeling the muscles in his shoulders tighten.
“Got any good pictures?” she asked him, glancing back towards the tree.
“Yeah, you bet. You’ll be the first one to see them, and I mean that literally.”
“Hand me your phone, let me see them so far.”
Mattie passed her his phone and she expertly navigated through his accessible features to get to the pictures. It had taken her a while to figure out how to work it, but she knew how to get to the pictures, at least.
“Hey, this one’s actually a good one, Xav. It has Fiánne and me in it, and we’re in focus and the tree is in focus and the lights look good.” She showed Fiánne and then Riley.
Mattie smiled. It gave him happiness to have a picture of Fiánne on his phone, even if he couldn’t see it.
“You’ll have to send them to me when we’re done,” she said, handing his phone back by tapping it against the back of his hand. She went back to the tree again, picking up an ornament Riley held out to her.
Mattie had another job delegated to him: he rolled joints. He took a drink of beer and started working at the task given to him.
His mobile rang and he answered it. It was Peter, inviting him and Amber and her boyfriend and Fiánne if she would still be there, to Pete and Chloë’s place the following evening for a pre-Christmas gathering. They were going to decorate their tree, too, and anyone could help that wanted to join in. Mattie relayed the invitation to the others, and they all agreed to go down to Pete’s place the next night.
Amber looked over at Fiánne. “If that’s okay, Hun. You know them both. I don’t know who else will be there, but—”
“No, it’s fine, Amber,” smiled Fiánne. “It sounds fun. It will be nice to do Christmas things with friends.”
“Well, we’re all glad you’re here,” Amber said. “Now, look, Ry, I made this when I was a kid. Don’t I have talent? There’s Xav’s. He clearly didn’t have my toilet paper ornament skills.”
“No, that’s pretty special. Both of them. You’re a crafty little family.”
Fiánne smiled, seeing the cardboard tube soldiers, one done by an eight-year-old Amber, and one by a six-year-old Matthew. Amber caught her eye and Fiánne grinned at her.
They took a break from the tree and smoked one of Mattie’s joints, snacking away from Amber’s trays of food. Riley, not one to usually join them, decided it was Christmas, and took a drag from the joint Amber passed him, and then, having the same thoughts as Fiánne had the first time she passed a toke to Mattie, he stopped as he held it out, then looked at Amber.
“Xav,” Amber said. “Ry’s got your puff.”
“Oh,” Mattie said, immediately turning to Riley and lifting his hand to locate Riley’s arm. He followed Riley’s forearm to his hand and found the joint. Riley handed it over awkwardly, and then he sat back and coughed.
“Novice,” said Amber, teasing him.
“You’re leading me down the bad roads,” Riley accused her, laughing.
“This is good clean country livin’,” Amber said, with a wink.
Mattie handed the joint to Fiánne, and imagined that she took it from him, putting her hand on his arm and then his knee and snuggling up against him, lying on his legs, while he stroked the long, soft hair Amber was always going on about.
She did take the joint from him, her hand just briefly making contact with his fingers. He remembered to throw a smile into the air, in case he was looking too deep in thought or angry, he couldn’t always be sure, because he never saw the reactions to his expression that were automatically mirrored by those he spoke to. He never realised how much feedback a person got about their own expression by watching another person’s expression. He also felt awkward with polite smiles. They could wear off too quickly and make him appear too serious or dissatisfied with the company. Or if they lingered too long, he looked like an idiot, smiling inappropriately when everyone else had sober expressions. He had no idea how long to time a polite smile, but he knew that he couldn’t pull it off quite right without being able to see other people’s faces.
When they’d finished the joint, Fiánne was back up and putting more ornaments on the tree. Amber had brought in the step-ladder, and Mattie took a picture of her trying to reach the tree as she climbed to the top.
“You forgot that the tree angles in. Didn’t you?” Mattie said with a snide little grin as he aimed his phone’s camera at Amber.
Amber was about a metre and a half away from the top of the tree. She held out the ornament but the distance was too great. “Damn it!” she groaned, and Mattie snapped the picture.
“Let me see that one!” said Riley, chuckling, leaning over and tipping Mattie’s screen toward him. Mattie touched the phone and it showed the previous photo taken. “That’s perfect,” he said, laughing.
“Stop laughing at me!” Amber complained as she moved the ladder closer, into the tree branches. “I’ll make you two do this.”
“Oh, no, you don’t want us to do that,” Mattie said, putting his lip out and shaking his head fervently. “Nope.”
“Nope,” agreed Riley.
“Nope,” said Mattie.
“I better make her another drink,” Riley said to Mattie.
“Probably good thinking,” Mattie nodded.
“Another beer for you?”
“Me, uh...” Mattie lifted the bottle in his hand, shaking it a little. “Yeah, actually, thanks, Ry.”
“Sure, how about you, Fiánne? Another drink?”
The girls were drinking Wallbangers, with orange juice and vodka and grenadine. Fiánne was finished her second, and she wasn’t sure, after smoking that joint, if she wanted another.
“Maybe in a bit,” she said. “Thank you.”
“Sure, just let us know,” he told her, heading toward the kitchen.
The night proved to each person there that they were in good company. They laughed, they teased each other, and the comfort level grew as each ornament was hung on the tree. Mattie decided that he was glad Riley was Amber’s boyfriend. Craig was now his friend, and Riley, Mattie could tell, was much more of a match for his sister for the long term. Amber wasn’t just relaxed and happy with Riley. She was still, months into the relationship, giggly and flirty with him. It made Mattie both pleased, and joyfully revolted. He was still her brother, after all, and he really didn’t need to witness his sister being flirty.
Fiánne was starting to feel like she wasn’t an intruder in someone else’s group. She had felt like an impostor, she’d imagined that they were all hoping she’d soon stop crashing their party, she’d worried they talked about her, discussing how they thought she thought she was part of their group when clearly she was not. She couldn’t tell herself that tonight. She couldn’t make herself believe it. She was smiling too much, laughing too much, and enjoying herself too much to try to believe that they all secretly disliked her.
When the tree was finished, Mattie took a picture, and then Amber took a few. Fiánne took one of Riley and Amber, and Riley took one of Amber and Fiánne, and then one of Mattie and Amber, all sitting in front of the tree.
Fiánne desperately wanted one with her and Mattie in front of the tree. She knew that was ridiculous, that there was no reason to have them together. Mattie wasn’t interested in her, her ex was still sniffing around, making the relationship drag out, and the idea that someone like Matthew MacTavish, smart, funny, handsome, kind, and a professor and pianist to boot, would ever want someone like Fiánne. She would have to be content with him being her friend. And she wasn’t sad about that, either, because she realised that having friends, ones you could call and laugh with and count on, was a hundred times better than being alone.
Just as Fiánne was standing, smiling at the siblings getting their photo taking, Riley motioned to her, waving her back over to sit in front of the tree.
“C’mon, you, too. Get in there.”
Fiánne’s smile became more genuine as she stepped over to the tree, sitting down where Riley and Amber gestured. Mattie was in the middle and the girls sat on either side. For Fiánne, this was exciting enough for her to feel a warm, tight feeling across her chest, around her stomach. She figured the butterflies were having a party in there now.
“Everybody say tree!” Riley called out, and took the photo when everyone was smiling happily as they sang a chorus of “tree!” together.
Happy. They were all happy.
Mattie’s Saturday started late. He’d lain in bed, thinking about the night before. He wondered if the girls were up yet. He wondered about what they’d talked about after he’d left the previous night. He had stayed until half-past twelve, and when they finally called it a night, he knew his crush hadn’t diminished at all. The more he learned about Fiánne, the more he wanted to know.
He let the day melt around him. He didn’t accomplish anything, and he ended up eating scrambled eggs and toast and bacon in front of the television at around eleven. Shortly after taking his dishes to the kitchen, he got a text from Amber asking how his head was. He replied that it was fine; he’d slept through the worst of it. He would be ready for party number two that night.
Early in the afternoon, Amber texted him again, inviting him to come over for supper before they went to Peter and Chloë’s. She also told him he could come over whenever he felt like it, since there were three of them over there, when he was alone in his house.
“I’ll be over in a while,” said Mattie, again wanting to hide his eagerness to be back there. He did not want to share this development with anyone. Especially not with his sister.
It was getting dark again by the time he headed over to Amber’s. He knew it was dark because he checked the weather on his iPhone. He’d found that the sunrise and sunset times were always listed for the day, and it helped him to be aware of the season and the changes in the days.
He stopped as he crossed his driveway, lifting his face to the sky, feeling tiny, cold, wet drops on his cheeks and chin. He waited for a car go by and when it was past, he could hear the little fuzzy sound of snow as it landed. Amber would be pleased.
“Hey!” he called as he unlaced his boots in the back hallway.
“Oh, hey!” Amber called back from the kitchen.
He set the boots in their usual place and took off his coat. “It’s snowing, I think,” he announced to her.
“Is it? I thought it looked like it might but I haven’t checked, and it’s dark out.” She came around the corner and passed him, opening the door and leaning out. Sure enough, the air was speckled with very small snowflakes. “Oh, yay!”
“Is it?” Mattie hung his coat and let Amber pass by him again, following her into the kitchen.
“Yup. You were right.”
Mattie, keeping his cane in use because of the chaos of Christmas at Amber’s house, moved across the room, listening for the others.
“Supper will be about twenty minutes,” Amber told him. “Fiánne’s just upstairs, and Ry is in the living room, if you want to go in.”
“Need any help here?” Mattie offered.
“Nope, Fee is helping me, it’s pretty much done now but the cookin’.”
“Okay,” Mattie said, heading in the direction of the living room. Reaching the end of the hall, he rounded into the living room.
“Oh, hey, Xav,” said Riley.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Ah, just fixing a drawer for Amber.”
“Sounds fascinating,” Mattie replied, heading to his chair.
After about ten minutes, Fiánne came downstairs. Mattie heard Amber complimenting Fiánne on how nice she looked, and she commented on the skirt Fiánne wore. Mattie wondered about it, remembering Amber saying Fiánne wore creative and truly fantastic outfits, and also Fiánne telling him that people considered her fashion sense to be weird. He listened hard but he couldn’t glean any more details about her appearance from the conversation in the kitchen.
Within a half hour, the foursome was sitting in the dining room, enjoying cheese-broccoli and chicken. They had lively table discussion, each of them contributing to the stories.
Talk turned to Christmas activities, and who was doing what for the holidays. Amber had been working out how to share her holiday with her friends and her own family, as well as Riley’s friends and family. Mattie had been involved in the discussion, and his reply remained the same every time: Do what you want, Amber, I’ll go along with whatever you come up with. He truly wasn’t too worried about the whole thing.
Riley, almost knowing what was good for him, said the same thing. So they had decided that Amber would spend Christmas Eve at Riley’s family’s, and they would be returning to Amber’s in the late afternoon or early evening. There would be a gathering of her friends later that evening at her home, and then Riley would stay at Amber’s. In the afternoon of Christmas Day, they would go get Amber and Mattie’s mother, and bring her over. Amber was having Christmas supper once again, and she’d even asked Riley if his relatives would come over, but they were going to be heading to his sister’s, who would have her hands full with the kids and her own dinner preparations. Fiánne was invited, and it was easily planned that she could be picked up when they went in for Amber’s mother.
Around all that, everything was up in the air. Fiánne had no plans, not caving to forgive her mother and go around. She figured she’d probably go over to her foster mother’s home to give her a gift and visit a bit, probably on Christmas Eve day.
Mattie didn’t want to make plans. He wouldn’t even admit to himself that he wanted to be around, in case she was. He told them he’d probably stick close to home, or go to Peter’s. Not having the means to drive around, Mattie’s staying close to home wasn’t unusual, and no-one suspected that Mattie had other reasons. He knew he’d be at Amber’s most of the time anyway, and that was perfectly okay this year.
After Amber served out tea and coffee, Fiánne cleared the table and Amber put everything in the dishwasher. It did take them long to clean up, and Riley soon was out warming up the car. The snowplough had gone by twenty minutes earlier, and it was still snowing when they all piled into Riley’s car.
Fiánne, for a moment, could imagine, as Mattie climbed in beside her, that they were two couples on their way to see their couple friends. She felt ashamed that she was so weak around him. She wished he didn’t have that effect on her. She was grateful he couldn’t see her falter in front of him. She would have to be stronger, because she didn’t want to make a fool of herself. She was not in Matthew’s league. She didn’t want to disappoint herself. And she really couldn’t face rejection from the most impressive man she’d ever known.
Small Mercies Chapter 63, a romance fiction | FictionPress
With the arrival of December, Amber began her Christmas decorating in earnest. Riley witnessed the transformation of the house into Santa’s Workshop, and he admitted he really could see how Christmas could be much bigger out here in the country, in a farmhouse meant to be dressed up. Amber sold him on the idea of going out to the back woods for their tree, and Mattie gladly joined them on their walk back on a Sunday afternoon.
Riley was both impressed and astounded that Mattie went back there alone, following the ropes he and Peter had put up. He was amazed at how far the guide rope went. He understood now how Mattie had been behind the house and able to hear and then rescue little Lilla. It didn’t make it any less astonishing to him, but at least it made practical sense. He couldn’t imagine how Mattie did it, he couldn’t imagine doing it himself, but he could see how it had happened.
There had been a good snowfall which had started Friday afternoon, and didn’t stop until early Saturday, though it didn’t amount to a huge amount. It would make bringing out a tree much easier.
Mattie dug his boots back out, glad that it wasn’t a slippery or heavy snow. Amber assured him it wouldn’t be hard to walk in, and in a way, it evened the ground up, giving him less to stumble or trip on.
He was just grabbing his jacket when he heard his sister and her boyfriend stomping the snow off their boots on the step at the back porch. They opened the door, seeing him there, and waited for a moment until he was ready. He followed along behind them, closing the door and stepping down the step. He’d stuck his folded cane in the waistband of his jeans, knowing it was pretty useless along the snowy trail, but not wanting to leave it home. For as much as he’d resisted it, it felt strange not having it in his hand or with him.
Amber reached back, tapping Mattie’s jacket with her gloved hand, and he instantly locked onto her elbow. Riley fell back into step beside them, carrying Amber’s hand saw.
“What a beautiful day,” Riley said.
“It’s pretty,” Amber said. “It’s mostly white, Xav, but the big grass tufts are all sticking out of the snow in the field and along the edges. The trees all have white coats, though. The sun is out now, like a white sun, it’s bright but it’s cool, the sky is more washed-out than blue. It looks like there could be more snow over the next few days, I think. There aren’t any bare spots on the road, and I don’t think that there’s any ice anywhere, it wasn’t wet enough and didn’t get cold so fast that there’s an ice base, I think you’ll be fine.”
The road was easy to walk on, and Mattie had no trouble. They talked as they walked, and Amber and Riley kept their eyes searching as they headed back into the trees.
“There’s a good stand of pine and fir up here,” Amber said, following along beside Mattie’s rope. He’d continued keeping Amber as his guide, just for the sake of conversation and staying part of their group instead of moving on his own. “We used to trim out some of the better smaller trees, so they’d have room to grow nice and full for future Christmases.”
“We kinda lost that good momentum about five years ago,” Mattie said.
“Well,” said Riley, with a nod. “In that case, if we see any future trees here, I’ll cut around them.”
Amber smiled at him. She had a thought that he might be planning for their future trees, for his future here. She bit down on the moment of excitement, not wanting to get too far ahead of herself.
“Are you sure you don’t want a tree, Xav?” Riley asked. “Amber and I will come help with it.”
Mattie shook his head. “No, it’s just too messy and in the way, and I don’t really need one over there, since I just come over to Amb...” His voice trailed off. Maybe Amber wouldn’t want him hanging out there Christmas morning this year. Maybe Amber and Riley wanted to spend their Christmas alone together. Maybe he was inviting himself into something he hadn’t been invited to. Things change, he knew, but he hadn’t thought this far. “I mean, I can’t even see it anyway, so it’s pointless, really. You guys just pick one you like.”
“A big one,” Amber said with a grin. She looked at Riley. “A nice big one. I promise Xav and I will do the dragging if you do the cutting.”
“Sounds fair enough,” said Riley.
Mattie listened to their soft footsteps in the snow, and turned his head, smelling the pine. “We’re here,” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked Riley, looking up at the trees around them.
“I can smell them,” Mattie replied. “And I can hear them.”
“You can hear them?” Riley asked, a smile of disbelief across his face.
Amber nodded along with Mattie. She knew he could hear the trees, and when she listened the way he did, she could hear them, too.
“They eat the open sound. They make it sound blanketed, only higher up. They eat the sound of the air. And if it was windy, they would tell me exactly how tall they are, too.”
Riley looked back up at the trees that they were entering. He nodded back at Amber before looking at Mattie. “Things I never knew,” he said. “That’s pretty amazing.”
“It seems amazing,” Mattie informed him, “until put into practice. Then it just seems... obvious.”
Riley laughed. “I suppose that’s probably true,” he said, thinking about it. “I wish you could hear when there’s a good one.”
“Like, if it’s a Christmas tree, I can hear Christmas carols very faintly in the direction?” Mattie joked.
“That’s it! Can you do that?” Riley teased back. He was beginning to get bold about his comments to Mattie, no longer afraid of saying the wrong thing every time. In turn, Mattie had gotten more comfortable around Riley. Riley had seen how Peter joked with Mattie, and how Amber and Mattie zinged each other often and with pleasure. He’d tested the boundaries a little, and found Mattie could take it and he could dish it. He looked over at Mattie who was grinning and he laughed.
“So, can you see anything?” Mattie asked them.
“We’ll just walk a little further in and then go off the road and look in the good groves,” Amber said, starting to walk again. Mattie firmed up his hold and moved with her.
It took some time and some searching, and finally Riley called over to Amber, who was across the road in another stand of fir. Mattie stood in the snowy road track, listening to them snapping branches along the ground as they searched in the trees for the perfect one.
Amber crossed in front of Mattie, telling him they’d be a second, and headed into the trees on Riley’s side. Shortly thereafter, Mattie heard the sound of a tree trunk being sawed through. He wasn’t sure if this would be the tree, since Riley had done as he’d promised, and cut out around a few of the promising looking young trees, but he waited with hope.
Soon enough, the sound of boughs brushing against boughs and footsteps and grunts came closer and Amber called to Mattie.
“I think we have it! Here, what do you think?”
“I’ll hold it,” Riley said. “You stand back and see what you think.”
Amber linked her arms with her brother’s, standing with him to appraise the tree.
“It looks great from here,” Amber said. “Turn it a little, let us see the other side.”
“How tall is it?” Mattie asked.
“It looks shorter than it is,” said Amber. “What do you think, Ry? Eight feet?”
“At least,” he said.
“Is it full or narrow?” Mattie asked.
“It’s full, but not so full there’s nowhere to hang anything. The branches are sturdy, too, because it’s a bigger tree, so it’s good for decorating.”
“Sounds perfect for you then,” Mattie said.
“Come see,” Amber said, walking forward with him, putting his hands along the girth of the tree as Riley continued to hold it. He pulled off his gloves and brushed his hands over the branches, smelling the evergreen scent as he did so.
“You help me carry it home, Xav?” she asked him. She smiled over at Riley.
Mattie nodded and Riley let the tree down gently. Amber grabbed a heavier branch near the cut end of the tree on one side, and Mattie grabbed one on the other side, and they started homeward. Mattie stumbled in the snow a couple of times, the tree pulling him backwards, but he managed to stay off the ground. Mattie hoped Riley hadn’t been too aware of his awkward moments, but he couldn’t be sure, since Riley wouldn’t say anything if he had been.
They had enjoyed the walk, but they were glad to reach the house. The tree felt heavier as the journey progressed, and the snow pulled them back against their momentum. They veered off toward Amber’s, and Riley stood the tree in the snow, against the shed, so it could take up water until they were ready to bring it inside.
“Hot chocolate for everyone!” Amber called, heading inside. “Come on, Xav, come in for hot chocolate.”
“I’m coming,” Mattie said, following the other two. He stopped to take off his boots and coat, and he put them in their usual places in the entry. His fingers were cold, and the idea of a nice warm mug to hold onto sounded really nice right now. He pulled the cane from his waistband and hooked it beside his coat on the peg and walked into the kitchen where the other two were already setting the kettle on the stove and getting down mugs. Mattie washed his hands, but the smell of Christmas still lingered, and when he sat to drink his hot chocolate, Amber tapped an unwrapped candy cane on the back of his hand for him to stir it with, and he had that same feeling he’d had earlier, remembering Christmases past and feeling the potential of this one to join the best of the best.
The two concerts Christopher Garnet had booked were in two separate places, a week apart. The first was the university benefit, and would raise money for several student issues. This was their show now, they’d earned a following as favourites of the campus.
“Who knew?” said Garnet. “I mean, James and I just started this because we liked to jam together, and now we have a legit band. Now we just need a roadie to help with the gear, and we’re set.”
“Two concerts a year, I don’t think we require a roadie just yet,” said Kyle Dempster.
“Oh, ho, such a Donny Doubter,” teased Christopher. “Hey, Xav, you got your groupies coming tonight?”
Mattie grinned. “The whole creative writing class is coming,” he said. “And my sister and a bunch of friends.”
“Good, good recruiting. They’ll all make a lot of noise.”
“I’ve trained them all to make a lot of noise,” Mattie joked.
“We’ll head down there around six-thirty, I guess,” Garnet said. “Gives us time to rehearse a bit more and get something to eat or whatever. You guys coming with us for some food?”
“Who’s all going? Where are you going?” asked Kyle.
“Xav and I are going off campus to Giorgio’s.”
“I’m coming,” said James. “I like their chicken penne.”
Kyle and Lena both agreed that sounded good, so the plan was made, before they got back to practicing. They had four songs they would be covering, and they’d added their own flair to them. Lena sang one song, and Mattie loved it when she got to show her voice off instead of just accompanying Garnet with harmony. They’d also chosen a song that they got a kick out of watching Mattie play on the piano. It was a song that built and built into a crescendo, and Mattie became deeply involved in his playing, hammering the chords, flourishing with upper keys. James told Mattie the first time they played it that he was sure Mattie was going to stand up and kick the bench away like Jerry Lee Lewis.
Mattie hadn’t realised that, one, they were watching him, and two, he was such a showman. He often imagined no-one could see him behind the piano, and he imagined that everyone was watching the others. In his mind, they were the stars and he was just the guy playing the piano. In his world, he forgot sometimes that people could see him all the time, and not just when he felt them staring at him in an awkward situation.
He’d asked them if it was too much, did he look like a madman? Did he look too blind? Did he make a scene? Did he embarrass them?
“No, Jeez, Dude,” said Garnet. “You gotta do it like that when we perform it. That was... well, that was dope, Man.”
“It was so good,” said Lena. “You look like a rock star, that’s all, a major rock star.”
Mattie smiled. “Good,” he said. “That I can deal with.”
“Now he’s gonna go put on that leather jacket and sunglasses and we won’t be able to endure the ego,” Kyle quipped from his drum-kit.
Mattie laughed out loud. “Okay,” he said. “What next, jokers?”
Amber was excited as she and Riley and Fiánne entered the front hall of the auditorium. They were meeting up with Peter and Chloë inside, and Amber was eager for Chloë to meet Fiánne, as well.
Fiánne had been quiet, and Amber knew better than to make a big deal about it. She knew from growing up with Mattie that a person didn’t push people when they fell quiet. One just carefully carried them along, making sure they didn’t panic, and getting them through whatever they felt afraid to run out and experience. She gave Fiánne some encouraging smiles, realising how well they comforted someone all over again. She missed being able to give an encouraging smile to her brother, but she had adapted by turning it into an encouraging squeeze of her hand. It seemed to work as well, Amber had found, relieved.
Amber looked at Fiánne, and winked at her, standing in the mingling crowd. Fiánne, smiled anxiously, trying to give assurance that she was completely happy. Amber knew once the music began, Fiánne would relax. The girl had admitted to running down at least six Walkmans in her youth, a Discman, and was on her third MP3 player. She couldn’t tell Amber the amount of headphones she’d gone through in a lifetime. She’d grown up needing music, she listened to the radio at night to fall asleep since she was seven. She liked many different kinds of music, and loved what she loved, and what she did not, she found actually made her feel angry and impatient inside. There were songs she played repeatedly until she stopped listening to them altogether. There were some songs, she told Amber, that she could not listen to often, because they made her feel so emotional, they were too beautiful for her to take in without shattering.
Amber told Mattie this, and she watched his face as she relayed Fiánne’s association with music. Her sensitive emotions were tied to music, and Mattie, his own music so important, was highly tuned to someone’s intrinsic attachment and emotion towards sound. Though Amber had already told Fiánne she should join them sometime when Mattie’s band played, it was Mattie who made the invitation official. He wanted Amber to bring Fiánne to the benefit to hear different music. He knew there were some jazz musicians and an opera singer, and he knew there was a small string orchestra. He had heard that there was a singer from Somalia and he was sure she would find it engaging.
Amber also wanted Fiánne to see and hear Mattie up there on the stage. So his invitation extended was the only excuse she needed to get the girl out of her comfort zone and into Mattie’s.
Chloë met them exuberantly, and greeted Fiánne with enthusiasm. Peter had mentioned driving her to Amber’s place, but he’d said nothing of his suspicions of his best friend’s interest in her. Amber also had told Chloë about Fiánne, and now Chloë understood what Amber had meant when she said Fiánne’s appearance was a mixture of Victorian, faerie, hippie, hipster, and artistic pieces.
Fiánne wore a long royal blue skirt, which looked like it was made of veleveteen. She had a pair of black boots with chunky heels and there appeared to be a white ruffle peeking out from her hem. She had taken off her coat, and underneath was a black cardigan, close-fitting, with big silver buttons. She wore a series of different bracelets on her arm. Her hair had been left loose, long down her back, a curtain she could draw across her forehead if she desired.
Amber saw that Fiánne used her hair to hide her emotions just as Mattie did when he closed his eyes or lowered his face. When she didn’t want to be seen, when she wanted to keep herself comfortably safe, she dipped her head and her hair fell across her face, instantly separating her, protecting her. Mattie did the same thing by closing those unseeing eyes, keeping his most personal pain to himself.
Chloë put her hand gently on Fiánne’s back, guiding her forward as they headed into the auditorium, chatting excitedly to her, centring her away from the crowd and into a small space of comfort. They all found their seats, up near the front, almost to the centre. Fiánne sat between Amber and Chloë, glancing at the programme on her lap.
Once the entertainment began, Fiánne didn’t think about the audience around her. She closed her eyes, listening, and sometimes she leaned forward, as if she needed to breathe in the music, to see it and feel it as well as hear it. There was a dance number with a couple that performed in many different styles, and Amber could see the adoration on Fiánne’s face. She was glad Fiánne had agreed to come.
Their meal had been what they’d needed, both a boost to their energy, and to calm any nerves, and Mattie and his friends paid the bill and headed back to the university auditorium. They were all directed to a room in the back to wait.
“Well, it’s bigger than some of the ones we get put into,” said Garnet as they went in. “It’s not a broom closet, anyway.”
Mattie, holding Lena’s elbow, entered the room with the others. They put their instruments down and Lena showed Mattie to a chair. They tried to keep their stage jitters to a minimum and kept things light and joking. They tuned and retuned the guitars and the bass. Mattie knew the auditorium piano would be already in place when he got out there, and he was assured it was the same upright piano he’d played on each year before, so he was already acquainted with its sound.
They were given a ten-minute call, and then a five-minute call, and they were ready to go when the woman with the clipboard came for them. Kyle, who, like Mattie, had his instrument on stage already, gave Mattie his elbow, and they followed behind Lena, who looked like she might burst out giggling with nervousness.
Mattie felt the sound get small as they went up the little back stage steps into the wings behind the curtains, and then it burst forth as they moved out to the stage. He took a deep breath, letting his whole body relax as he exhaled, and he carefully made his way across the stage with Kyle guiding him, his cane alerting him to any amplifier cables that might trip him up. He couldn’t help but smile when he heard the cheer from the crowd, and Garnet’s laughter.
Kyle slowed up and Mattie reached out, feeling the end of the piano keyboard, the polished old wood comforting under his fingers. He reached down and felt the bench, and slid onto it, collapsing his cane and locating the microphone attached to the piano cover.
“Y’okay?” Kyle asked before moving to his drum kit when Mattie nodded in response.
Mattie knew the set list order. He knew Garnet would give him a heads up if anything changed. The one thing he hated on stage was the inability to make the connection with the other band members, the acknowledgement of a glance, the appreciative nod of a particular moment in playing together. He was left out of that, and they noticed it, too. The music had to be enough. They had to keep their connection with him through the music, because otherwise, he was in his own world right in the middle of theirs.
Amber clapped hard, hearing the others around her cheering as Mattie and his band crossed the auditorium stage. She grinned over at Fiánne, who, in one of her rare moments of genuine happiness, had sparkling eyes and an open smile as she returned Amber’s gaze. They both turned back to watch Mattie find his seat and the drummer to return to his kit.
“Whoo, Matt-ee!” Amber yelled, and she saw her brother smile and dip his head bashfully. She’d just let him know he was full in view, and she was glad she’d done it. He needed to know he wasn’t invisible, he was just as important as all the others.
The band started in on their playlist, and with every song, the crowd grew more excited, most staying standing. Amber and Chloë danced in place, and coaxed Fiánne to join them. Fiánne desired nothing more than to dance, but she felt restricted, tied to her place. She smiled and nodded her head to the beat, bopping up and down a little every now and then. But though her body barely moved, Amber saw the younger woman’s face, and her eyes, which danced with joy. She had closed her eyes to the earlier music, taking it in through her ears and her body, but now, her eyes remained fixed on the man at the piano. When she saw Amber looking at her, she’d move her focus to the bass player or the drummer, admiring them all as a cover for her obvious attention, until Amber had gone back to her dancing and cheering.
“Aw,” said Amber, “Last song!”
“Really?” said Fiánne. She’d lost track, the songs had become one, or a dozen, she couldn’t remember. It hadn’t been long enough a set, she knew that. But Amber had looked at the programme, and Amber had paid attention. She tried to stretch the last song out, to feel each note and remember it. For a moment, she felt like this moment would end, and nothing would come after it, but Amber squeezed her arm, and Fiánne knew that there would be more, that the goodness would not be over.
Fiánne joined in when everyone cheered, and she even stomped her feet with everyone else, gleeful at the look of pure happiness on Mattie’s face as he stood up from his bench to acknowledge their applause. Garnet gave a nod to the crowd, a thank you for their appreciation, and Lena smiled over the audience, feeling both proud and embarrassed.
“Merry Christmas,” said James in a deep voice, into the microphone.
“Yeah!” said Garnet. “Merry Christmas!”
That was Mattie’s cue. They’d planned it that if there was enough of a reaction, they would encore with a jazzed-up version of The First Noel, and Garnet would utter the phrase Merry Christmas. James had prompted him, and with Garnet’s words, Mattie hit the coda of the Christmas carol and Garnet and Lena began singing.
Mattie wished at that moment that he had concert piano training. He wanted to do a rolling crescendo with gigantic flourishes, like he imagined in his head. He wanted to pull out the Liberace-style moves, and totally drop jaws. He did his best to give it everything he had, just concentrating on the music coming back to him, and the feel of the keys under his fingers. Everything else disappeared, and Mattie could see the piano keys so clearly behind his eyes that he wondered if maybe his sight had been there all along.
It was over before he knew it, and he sat, breathing heavily, realising how much effort had gone into the music he’d thrown out there. There was huge applause, and for a moment, he was glad they were distracted, so he could catch his breath and listen as the band took their deserved praise. But Garnet wasn’t having that, he ran over and tapped Mattie’s arm.
“Hey, Man, come on, you deserve yours.”
Mattie snapped back into focus. He was on the stage, he was part of the band, and Garnet wanted him to stand to get his applause with them. He reached for his cane, and fumbled with it. Garnet waited patiently and in a moment, Mattie was walking out to meet the others, holding Garnet’s elbow. The crowd clapped harder, and Mattie could hear Chloë and his sister yelling his name. He could hear Peter give a whoop and a big wolf whistle, and he grinned, abashed. Garnet held up Mattie’s hand, and then pulled him with him as he bowed.
Fiánne clapped until her hands stung. She watched as the singer with the guitar walked behind the piano to get Amber’s brother. Her heart felt warm and ready to burst inside her chest as Mattie carefully made his way across the cables and around the equipment, holding Garnet’s elbow and his cane. She hadn’t expected them to be so good. She hadn’t expected Mattie to be a rock star, but there he was, in a group bow on the front of the stage. The band members all laughed, thrilled at the response to all their hard rehearsing, and they took up their instruments and headed from the stage.
“Come on!” said Amber, her cheeks flushed. “Get your stuff together, we’ll go back and get him.” She ushered the two women and two men quickly to the doors so they could loop around and head to the backstage. They searched the people mingling around, looking for Mattie.
Amber saw him first, and called for him. Lena saw her and nudged Mattie, letting him know his fan club had arrived, and she turned Mattie in the direction of his friends squeezing through the groups of people.
“Hey, Rock Star!” Amber called to him, and he grinned. She ran over, patting his arm before hugging him. “You were so awesome!” She glanced around at the others in the band. “You were all so awesome. That was amazing!”
Chloë, Peter, and Riley all joined, patting his back, hugging him, giving the band their appreciation.
Amber, her arm around Mattie’s waist, nodded at Fiánne. “Someone came to see you play,” she told Mattie. She clarified so that Fiánne didn’t have to, and so that Mattie didn’t need to wonder for long. “We have Fiánne with us.”
Mattie’s smile got even brighter. “Fiánne?”
“Hi, Matthew,” Fiánne said, shyly. Mattie stepped forward, and Fiánne felt braver. “Wow, you can really play that piano!”
“Yeah? Thanks. I can play, Amber wasn’t exaggerating much.”
“No, I mean, you can really play that piano,” Fiánne said, her meaning more clearly emphasised. “I didn’t disbelieve Amber. I just didn’t know you would bring down the house.”
Mattie laughed, trying to shrug off her praise. “I have a good band around me.”
The group of friends stayed and talked to the band members for a while, and then Amber, still with her arm around her brother, nudged Mattie. “You coming with us? Or are you going out with the band to celebrate?”
“We went out and celebrated first,” Mattie said. “Now, I think I’m ready to head home.”
They bade farewell to Mattie’s band mates, and invited Peter and Chloë to stop into Amber’s on their way home.
They headed to Riley’s car, and Amber opened the back door for Mattie as he collapsed the cane and took off his messenger bag. “You can have the front, if you want,” she told him.
Mattie shook his head. “No, that’s okay. You can sit with your beau.”
It hadn’t been lost on him that the only other place left open for Fiánne was the seat beside him as he climbed into the car, careful to keep his hand on the rim of the roof so as not to hit his head. He heard the door on his left open, and Fiánne slid into the seat, shutting the door and locking her seatbelt around her middle.
He tried keeping a friendly smile on his face, without looking like a serial killer clown, and he was glad it was dark, and that he was hiding behind sunglasses. He couldn’t let anyone in on how much his heart was thudding in his chest, and how her scent was making his imagination soar. He couldn’t let this crush make him weak. He wasn’t going through all that again.
“You guys really were amazing,” Fiánne said. “Thank you for inviting me to come, you guys.”
“Of course!” said Amber. “You are always welcome to join us.”
Mattie nodded. “I’m glad you had a good time,” he told her.
Amber started discussing the acts and they soon were remembering the different performers of the night, listing top picks. Amber told Mattie the favourite bits in his band’s playlist, and Riley and Fiánne joined in with their own. Mattie was still on a concert high, and took every comment and compliment with pride and pleasure.
“So, I take it you’re coming out to Amber’s,” he said to Fiánne.
“Yes. She invited me back, so I guess I didn’t wear out my welcome.”
“You will never wear out your welcome with me,” Amber told her, turning back toward Fiánne.
Fiánne smiled, and took a sideways glance toward Mattie, and smiled a little more to herself.
When they reached the house, Peter and Chloë were already parked in the driveway, waiting. Amber let everyone in and Riley headed to get the wood stove pumping and Amber turned up the baseboard heating until the stove was putting out heat. Amber put on tea and coffee, and took out a tin of Scotch Cakes she’d made a few days earlier in her Christmas baking preparations. She took two out of the tin as she put it on the coffee table, and put them into her brother’s hand before heading back to the kitchen. Chloë told Mattie his favourite seat was free, so he didn’t have to guess if he was going to attempt to sit on someone’s lap.
“Thanks,” he said, nodding gratefully.
Mattie was praised and complimented some more, and once again, different acts were discussed and chosen as favourites. Peter said he might consider being Mattie’s roadie if the pay was good, and he wanted a band jacket in the deal.
Mattie listened for Fiánne’s voice, and his intrigue only grew, as the girl shyly sat listening and not interjecting much at all. But he knew she was sitting on the far end of the chesterfield, and he felt her there, somehow. His focus was drawn to that spot, he felt on edge with that spot, that obvious presence she didn’t know she had. He knew he wasn’t making it up. It was like how people could hear electricity in one of those power company boxes, one could feel it, and yet, if a person looked, there was nothing to see. There was nothing for Mattie to see, and yet, she was giving off electricity. He wondered if anyone else felt it.
Peter rolled joints, and Mattie soon found his thoughts running even further away. Somehow, he managed to maintain his cool. He didn’t ignore Fiánne, nor did he focus all his attention on her. He and Peter started razzing each other, and everyone giggled when they got on a roll.
Though Mattie was highly tuned into Fiánne’s presence on the other side of the table, he didn’t know that Fiánne saw him joking with his friends, and having a good time, and she felt mixed emotions. She wanted to be next to him, she wanted him to want to be next to her, she had thought when he sat in the back in the car that maybe he wanted to get to know her better. But he wasn’t being any different to her than Riley or Peter, and her small hope that maybe he liked her was only just in her imagination. She knew he had no reason to be interested in her, she was mixed up in some stupid ex-fiancé drama, and unlike Mattie, she didn’t have a close family to warm to anyone, anyway. Her mother was so spiteful, she still insisted Fiánne had made a huge mistake by leaving the only man who could ever love her and provide for her. Her mother had made it clear that Fiánne was too quiet, too intense, too different, too eccentric, too quirky, too weird. She wasn’t worth the effort of accepting all that, her mother said.
But she could not damper down the warm feeling in her middle as she watched him, and every time he addressed her, it grew up into her chest, and she felt it in the blush on her cheeks.
Mattie handed Peter the joint he had just taken a puff off of, and leaned back, happily buzzed from adrenaline and THC. He lifted his sunglasses, rubbing at his eyes, chuckling at Peter’s latest comment, and then pushed the glasses back up his nose. He’d forgotten he’d had them on, and that realisation seemed kind of funny. He wondered if anyone else thought it was strange that he left them on in the house, at night. He felt like if he took them off now, it would be more obvious, and all of a sudden, the thought made him feel naked. He decided he was over-thinking the whole thing, again. He left them on and turned his attention back to Peter.
The evening was over, in Fiánne’s opinion, too quickly. The music, the excitement, the wonderful friends Amber had, and the memory of Matthew up on the stage, playing that piano so intently all made her never want to go to sleep again, for fear that the memory and the new-found joy might disappear.
Chloë and Peter said good night, and Chloë gave everyone a hug, including Fiánne, telling her how glad she was to meet her at last. Riley was heading to the northern part of the province in the morning, so he was going to go back into the city. Fiánne felt badly, saying she didn’t want him to leave on her account. Amber and Riley both assured her that she shouldn’t feel that way, he couldn’t stay anyway, and either way, she was welcome, no matter what.
Mattie left when Riley did. He had the foresight to know that if he left later, it would feel awkward. Somehow, it would become obvious and stupid, and he did not want to choose that feeling. So, wishing the girls to have a great night, he went out the door with Riley, waving over his shoulder as he reached the post with his guide rope.
This time, he was one-hundred per cent glad he was heading home. He knew he would have been ridiculous to linger back there. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself when he knew the outcome. Lovesick was not becoming to him, that he knew as well.
The moment the door closed, Fiánne felt her heart deflate. She smiled at Amber who returned from the kitchen with another cup of tea for her.
“What a fun night,” she said to Amber. “I’m so glad you invited me. I really like your friends. They’re all so nice.”
“They are. And they are sincere and trustworthy and honest, so what you see is what you get. I love them all. Peter and Chloë are pretty much newlyweds. They are such an amazing couple, really good people.” Amber smiled at Fiánne. “That’s why you’re going to fit in nicely.”
Fiánne smiled and shook her head. “I never fit in,” she said.
Amber’s smile faded, and then reappeared. “That’s because you never met us until now.”
Fiánne smiled more genuinely. “Is that it?” she asked
“I reckon,” Amber replied.
Fiánne chuckled.
“You are so cool, Fee. I’m so happy to know you. We all are. So you just be you, and we will enjoy your youness.”
Fiánne laughed, and nodded again. She always felt like she needed to be someone else, that who she was was never going to be right, never good enough for any situation. She wanted to believe Amber’s thinking that she would be accepted and they wouldn’t push her away once they knew more about her, but she couldn’t really ever crush that hateful little feeling. It wouldn’t go away, no matter how much she wanted to trust Amber’s words.
“Come on, Hun, let’s go put on our jammies, and see what is on television. We’ll just sit and girl-talk until we get drowsy. Oh, and I’ll show you my new shoes, I think you’ll appreciate them.”
Fiánne felt her heart warm again. She hadn’t had girl-talk and best-friends-in-jammies-sleepovers in a long time, since she’d lived with her foster-sister. She felt wary of thinking things were starting to really get better, she was starting to feel pleasure and joy in the days that passed, and she anticipated days ahead, but it could all go away again. She didn’t want to get her hopes up. Hope lost was one of the worse feelings ever, and it was much easier to expect nothing than to feel the pain of a lost dream.
However, in pyjamas, she rejoined Amber in the living room, the little golden ray of hope and love and friendship quietly getting bigger than the hateful little feeling of worthlessness beside it.
Mattie pulled a sweater down over his head, kicking himself for his exit. He was still glad he’d come home, but now that he thought about it, he probably had seemed very rude. He hoped Amber would text him later and ask him to come over. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do with himself to keep himself occupied, but he decided that maybe cooking something for supper would be a nice distraction. He was kind of glad that he had to concentrate more than he had when he could see, because it left much less time and space for his mind to wander.
In the other MacTavish home, Fiánne piled her things on Amber’s chesterfield, and pulled her hair over her shoulder, untangling it with her fingers. She wondered what it was she had said that made Amber’s brother want to get away so quickly. She thought the drive home had gone rather smoothly, although sitting so close to Mattie had made her insides tingle and her palms sweat. She didn’t want to tell Amber what she was thinking, and she didn’t want Amber to know she was still thinking about her brother now.
Amber poured two glasses of wine as Fiánne entered the kitchen.
“Everything okay?” Amber asked, smiling at her friend.
“Everything is perfect,” Fiánne replied. “I just feel like I put on the cosiest sweater, and fell into a pumpkin pie.”
“I think that’s good?” laughed Amber.
“It’s very good,” said Fiánne.
“Have a seat,” Amber invited, placing the wine glass at a place at the kitchen table. She appraised the younger woman. “You look awesome, as usual. I love your outfit.” Amber wished she could create ensembles like Fiánne. The girl had creative flair. She wore a wool jumper with striped tights and comfortable, brown, lace-up boots. She had a ribbed turtleneck under the plaid jumper, and over it she wore a loose grey cardigan. She had leather bands and charms around one forearm, and a big watch on the other.
“Thanks,” Fiánne said, dipping her eyes to appraise her own legs. She pulled the chair out and sat at the place where Amber had put the wine. She glanced out the window as she did, peering over at Mattie’s house.
“I hope I didn’t do anything to scare your brother off,” she said, her brows furrowed. “He left so quickly.”
“He’s fine,” Amber assured her. “He likes to get out of work clothes as quickly as possible. Plus, he gets shy fast. He thinks far too much, and gets self-conscious easily. Don’t worry. I’ll text him in a bit and invite him over for a drink after we eat.” Amber, who had promised not to set Mattie up with anyone on purpose, now found an intriguing turn-of-events. She would not set Mattie up. She would merely encourage something to happen on its own accord. She knew Fiánne had a lot on her plate with her ex, and that would need to resolve itself first. But there was no harm in getting the pair to know one another until then.
“Okay,” said Fiánne. She took a sip of wine, and smiled at Amber.
“How was your week?” Amber asked her.
“Okay,” said Fiánne again. “Except my ex showed up at my place and demanded to talk.”
“Shit, did you let him in?”
“I didn’t know it was him, and I opened the door. He got the address from my mother.”
“Your mother has your address?”
Fiánne dropped her gaze. “I shouldn’t have told her,” she mumbled. “I shouldn’t tell her anything, I don’t know why I keep thinking she might change.”
“What did he say?” Amber asked her.
“He started by being all sweet and apologetic. The usual. I don’t believe that anymore. I didn’t really say anything. I just don’t care anymore. I just wanted him to not be there. He went on and on. And when I didn’t agree, and I didn’t fall back into his arms, he got mad. He called me names and asked me if I was having an affair the whole time. He tore around my apartment to see if there were signs of another man.”
“Oh, Honey,” said Amber, reaching out to her across the table.
Fiánne kept her hands tight in her lap, and avoided Amber’s eyes. “He finally left, but now he knows where I live, he could come back any time.”
Amber looked at her with sorrow. “Well, thank goodness you’re here. You can relax here. Do you have good locks?”
“There’s a deadbolt,” Fiánne said. “I won’t open it without looking anymore.”
“Good. Is he violent?” Amber asked, hoping the answer would be no.
“He’s… he never was violent towards me. But he has a bad temper, and he’s very suspicious and jealous. He can get pretty aggressive.”
Amber shook her head. “This worries me,” she said.
“He won’t do anything,” Fiánne assured her. “And I won’t let him in. He has to figure it out that I am not with him anymore.”
“Well, I want you to call me if he does anything that worries you, okay?”
Fiánne nodded. “Okay,” she said.
Amber got back up again to start supper. “He sounds like a real tool. I hope he figures it out soon.”
“He’s not very bright,” Fiánne said, a small smile on her lips. “It might take him longer than most.”
Mattie had a shower, and dressed. He put on a pair of grey jeans, and a navy sweater over a dark red, long-sleeved t-shirt. He deliberately tossed on some aftershave, just in case.
He washed his dishes and cleaned the kitchen, making a double sweep of the counters. He debated on cleaning out a cupboard, and thought better of it. He headed to the living room, reaching for the remote on the table to turn on the television. Satisfied with the extra noise in the house, he headed to his study and retrieved a novel he’d brought home from the Braille library. He needed to immerse his senses in activity so he would not keep thinking about next door.
As much as Mattie tried, he couldn’t concentrate on either the television or the book. He jumped with anxious anticipation when he heard Amber’s text tone on his phone. He slid his hand over the surface of the bureau in the hall and located the device.
What’s up?
Reading. What are you doing?
Just checking on you. You left fast. Everything okay?
Yeah. Was that weird? Just didn’t want to intrude, sorry, I didn’t mean to act rude.
No, no worries. You wanna come over now?
Mattie paused, hearing the question he’d been hoping he’d be asked.
He took a breath. It wouldn’t hurt just to hang out. To be social. To welcome Amber’s friend. It wouldn’t hurt to just go over.
He knew he couldn’t sit here tonight. He lifted the phone again, speaking into it as it dictated his words to text.
Need me to bring anything?
Nope. See you soon.
Mattie paused for a minute before setting the phone back down and heading upstairs for his sneakers. He would be friendly. He would not act interested. He did not need a relationship but he could use more friends. That was what he decided as he climbed the stairs. It was worth it to get to know a new friend. He had nothing to lose if he gained a friend. He was sure that his infatuation with her would go away in time, and he would just have to endure until then. He did not want to have to avoid her. He just needed to calm down and be friendly. He reminded himself about his past relationships. He reminded himself about her ex-fiancé who hadn’t let her go.
But it was just a glowing anticipation that filled his thoughts as he crossed the field.
He went in the back door, not knocking, and Amber greeted him from the direction of the kitchen sink.
“Hey. Smells good in here,” he said.
“Did you eat?” Amber asked him.
“I did.” He turned his head, listening. “Is Fiánne here?” he asked.
“I’m here,” Fiánne replied from across the floor. Mattie heard a cupboard door close.
“Hi,” he said, facing her.
“Hi,” she said.
“Sorry I ran off before. I didn’t realise how rude that came off.”
“Oh, no, don’t worry. We knew you just wanted to get home after a long day. It wasn’t rude. It was Amber’s turn to endure me for a bit.”
“Endure!” Amber said. “Xav, this girl is a smart cookie. You guys would be able to discuss things nobody else knows for days, I think. Plus, she’s pretty creative. Really, Fee, just keep telling me interesting things, I might never send you home. And next time I want you to bring your art to show me. I feel like I’m surrounded by way too much artistic talent here. Why can’t I do any of these things? You draw and dance and sew, and Xav plays piano and writes. All I can do is turn a radio up and get drunk at weddings.”
“Both have their merits,” Mattie said, locating a chair at the table.
“Don’t sit in here, Xav, we’re finished, let’s go in the living room. Want a beer or a glass of wine? Oh wait, I have rum, too.”
“Quite the liquor cabinet,” Mattie commented.
“Is that bad?” Amber asked suddenly.
“What? No,” Mattie scowled at her. “You’re not exactly a bar, Kiddo. Anyway, I’ll have a beer, thank you.” Wine would go immediately to his brain and his tongue. He would stick with something safer.
Amber ushered Fiánne from the kitchen, and Mattie followed her down the hallway, with Amber coming after with his beer. He headed to his favourite chair, and folded his cane, placing it on the coffee table. He shrugged off the leather jacket and as Amber put the beer into his hand, she took the jacket from him to hang in the hall.
Fiánne sat on the chesterfield, watching Mattie. Amber returned and put the television on quietly in the background.
“We have a fruit tray for dessert,” Amber informed them both. “I’ll get it later on.”
“You always go to so much effort for me,” Fiánne said.
“Hey, you’re worth it, and it’s not like I cut up the fruit and arranged them myself, or anything. I like having nice treats when you come over. Hey, Xav, Riley’s taking us to the Christmas Exhibition in the mall tomorrow. You know what that means?”
Mattie shook his head. “I would guess it means you are about to turn this place into the North Pole?”
“It’s getting clo-ose,” she sang to him. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you if you want to come.”
“Thanks,” he said. “Malls, people, things to look at, Christmas... all things I love.”
“Shut up, you love Christmas. He says he doesn’t, but... he does.” She turned to Fiánne. “I suppose Christmas isn’t really your thing, either,” she said, looking sad.
“I have mixed feelings. In old, good times I remember, I think about my grandparents, and decorating for them. But my mother just didn’t care. And my ex... it was all for show. I just went along with it. But it was sterile, not like a Christmas that you remember forever with a warm feeling. They just came and went and nothing had that fireplace warmth to it.” She looked around. “I bet you guys just can stick a wreath and some bows and white lights in these houses, and they look like Christmas.”
“Will you have anywhere to be this year for Christmas?” Amber asked her.
The other girl shrugged. “I don’t know,” she said. “I think I’ll just be happy I won’t be any of the places I used to be,” she said, and smiled.
“Well, that may be true, but you could be in the ultimate Christmas place,” she told Fiánne, raising her eyebrows and nodding suggestively.
Mattie grinned. Leave it to Amber to fill people with Christmas with a plunger and some bellows.
“I should warn you,” Mattie said, “she’s not exaggerating.”
“You guys do Christmas pretty big, then,” Fiánne said.
Mattie shook his head and waved his hand at Fiánne in dismissal. “Oh no, not me, just Amber.”
“Mattie doesn’t do anything,” Amber said.
“I hung a wreath last year,” Mattie reminded his sister.
“The wreath I made and brought over and put up?” Amber asked him.
“The very same,” replied Mattie, and he heard Fiánne laugh.
“You did make tree ornaments with Lilla,” Amber recalled. She turned to Fiánne. “He has a little admirer,” she said. “He saved her life so she is now his forever.”
“You saved her life?” Fiánne asked. “What happened?”
“I just rescued her from a really steep slope,” Mattie said, trying not to make a big deal about the story. “She’d fallen down, and slid too far to get back up.”
Amber turned to Fiánne. “He neglects to mention it was high over a fast-running brook out in the back woods, in the autumn, she was six, and he had only been blind for a year. She was alone. He happened to hear her calling and crying, and he was alone, too, out walking along his ropes in the back forty. He found her, climbed down, located her, and pulled her to safety. They both could have been killed. He doesn’t tell that part but he’s a pretty big hero.”
“I would say so,” Fiánne said, amazed. She looked over at Mattie, whose face was lowered and his shoulders raised a little, as if he was sheltering himself from a spotlight. “That’s a beautiful thing you did,” she told him.
Mattie lifted his head again. She didn’t ask him how he’d done it blind. She didn’t sound like she believed he’d been guided by the Lord Saviour. She didn’t disbelieve that he could be out behind the house alone, using ropes as guides.
“She’s paid it back to me, tenfold,” Mattie told her honestly.
Amber nodded, and smiled at Fiánne. “She’s a pretty special little girl,” she said. “She took Xav for show and tell one time.”
Fiánne laughed. “She did? That’s adorable. So you had to go stand in front of a little class and tell how you rescued her?”
“She wanted me to go and show her classmates that you could be different, and everyone should accept everyone else’s differences, because it would make your life better.”
“She always thought Xav was pretty cool,” Amber said. “She had a crush on you long before you rescued her. After that, she adored him. To her, his white cane is just as normal as her mother’s glasses.”
“How special is that?” Fiánne said, with admiration. “That’s a wonderful bond to have.”
Mattie smiled, and then he nodded.
Amber stood up. “I’m getting the bottle,” she said. “Xav, you want another beer?”
Mattie lifted his bottle, feeling the weight. “Yeah, you may as well, I’ll be through this one shortly.”
“Hokey-dokey,” she said, heading from the room.
Mattie turned back to Fiánne. “So... you’re an artist?” he asked.
“I just like to sketch,” she said. “I don’t get to like I used to. I used to have a few hidey-holes I could get away to and draw, when I was younger.”
He nodded. “I know how that feels, not having the time like when you’re younger. Although sometimes it just goes off for a while, and then, all of a sudden, you want to start doing those things again. I think we need vacations from our hobbies the same as we need vacations from our jobs, sometimes.”
“I like that,” she said. “That makes me feel less lazy.”
“I doubt you’ve been lazy,” he said. He turned his head, hearing Amber coming back. She put the new beer bottle on the table in front of him, telling him as she did, and sat down beside Fiánne again.
When Amber went back to the kitchen for the fruit tray, Mattie flipped up the crystal on his watch and felt the hands. He couldn’t believe how much time had passed since he’d arrived. All they’d done was talk, laugh, and drink wine and beer, and yet, hours had passed. The more the siblings learned about Fiánne, the more glad they were that Amber had insisted on befriending the shy girl with the many interesting layers that came to light the more they listened.
Amber noticed Mattie wasn’t touching the fruit tray. “Xav? Fruit?”
“Oh… uh…”
“Do you want me to grab you a little plate?” Amber asked. “I can put some on it for you. I didn’t think, sorry.” She made to stand up.
“Is there any fruit you don’t like?” Fiánne asked.
“No, not really,” Mattie said.
“Then why don’t you just grab it off the plate like we are? If our fingers are all over it, then why not yours, too? As long as you don’t hate any fruit to need to avoid it, go to town.”
“It’s cream cheese dip in the middle, too. I can still get you a plate,” Amber said.
“I’m gonna sit right here on the floor at the coffee table,” Fiánne said. “So I don’t drop a strawberry on your rug.”
Mattie wasn’t sure if Fiánne knew that she had given him not only the knowledge of what she was doing, narrating the scene, but the invitation to join her on the floor, where it would be safe to eat from the tray without spilling.
She was inviting herself to his world and then meeting him halfway.
It wasn’t lost on Amber, either. As Mattie slid off the chair and over toward the coffee table, his hand scanning for the edge, she, too, sat down on the floor next to Fiánne.
She gave Mattie a run-down of the fruit on the tray, in clock positions. Fiánne said nothing, watching and listening as Amber told her brother everything he needed to know that he couldn’t see.
Amber noted that as they talked, Mattie and Fiánne revealed many common interests. They had read many of the same books, though so had Amber. They talked about history, and museums, and historical sites and excavation areas. Fiánne mentioned travel, and how seeing things from the past, standing in places that existed through many generations gave her an absolute thrill like her heart had turned to glitter that spread down her chest to her middle, and Amber just happened to glance at Mattie’s face.
He looked nearly terrified.
As she watched him, she realised that Fiánne was describing his own reaction to history, and how she explained the feeling was expressively descriptive. Amber could feel the emotion herself, so she could imagine Mattie’s own imagery.
She realised her little brother had swallowed the hook that Amber had never meant to dangle in front of him.
In a moment Mattie had recovered himself and was smiling with delight. His fingers plucked a piece of pineapple from the tray on the table and he leaned forward.
“That’s exactly how I feel, too,” he said. “To know that you’re standing where people walked over two-hundred years before, or looking directly at a painting from the twelfth century…” He thought about her choice of words. “It is a thrill, isn’t it? That feeling.”
He and Amber told Fiánne about their long weekend in Halifax, and Fiánne listened, happily. The wine made her warm inside, and for the first time in years, maybe forever, she felt like she was interesting. She felt like she was being listened to, like she was being agreed with, and she felt excited about participating in the conversation.
Mattie couldn’t see that Fiánne’s eyes had a sparkle to them that they had not had previously, but Amber could. It was not just the wine, either, thought Amber, refilling Fiánne’s glass.
“Oh, I shouldn’t have more,” Fiánne said, shaking her head.
“Well, you don’t have to drink it,:” Amber said. “But it’s there now.”
“That’s exactly how she gets you,” Mattie said.
“You want another beer? I think there’s still two.”
“Nope. I still have to walk across a field and find a house.”
“You can crash here, it wouldn’t be the first time. Or I can come—”
“Make us a tea, will you?” Mattie asked. “I’ll decide when I’ve had a bit of caffeinated water.”
Mattie knew he needed to go home. But he wasn’t quite ready to go just yet. He finished his beer, as Amber went to put on the kettle, and he smiled towards Fiánne.
“I’m glad you came over,” she told him.
His smile broadened. “I am, too.”
“I think it’s cool that you guys are best friends as well as brother and sister. It must be nice to always have someone to talk to that knows you inside and out.”
“Yeah,” Mattie said. “It’s kinda unusual, I think, but we have always been there for each other along the way, and we have the same weird sense of humour and a lot of the same interests.”
“Well, I like hanging out with you guys,” Fiánne said softly.
“Well, you should just come on over any time,” Mattie found himself saying. “Just get Amber to text me at work, and I’ll come get you whenever you want a sojourn in the country.”
“Oh,, thanks so much. But you guys would get sick of me pretty fast.”
“I doubt that,” Mattie said.
Fiánne blushed. “Thank you. I’ve never felt so welcome.”
“What welcome?” Amber asked, returning with three empty mugs. “You take it black, too, don’t you, Fee?”
“Yes, please. I was just telling your brother I’ve never had such a welcome as you guys give me. Thank you.”
“You’re in now, Baby!” said Amber, patting Fiánne on the shoulder. “Whether you like it or not, you’ve joined Team Looney-Toons”
Amber went back out to take the water off the stove and fill the teapot. She came back set it on the coffee table on a coaster, and went back out to the kitchen for a tin of ginger snap cookies. When she returned, she poured the tea for the other two, and a cup for herself. She added milk to her own.
“It is just relaxing to not feel like I’m going to get in trouble for something later. Like, not checking in at the right time or something,” Fiánne said, picking up a cookie.
“You had to check in?” Amber asked her.
“If I wasn’t where I was supposed to be at the given time of each day, he suspected I was cheating on him, or up to some devious activity.”
“Why?” Amber asked, shocked.
“I don’t know. He was very suspicious of me. I never gave him reason to think I would cheat on him, but if I was fifteen minutes late, he was all questions.”
“He thought you could have an affair in a spare fifteen minutes?” Amber asked incredulously.
“I guess. I asked him the same thing quite a lot. He never really could answer. Sometimes I told him I had to go find a gift for someone in the afternoon and I’d sneak off to the movies. I’d feel pretty proud of myself, but I was always nervous he’d find me out. And I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. He didn’t like to go to movies. He said we could watch them when they came to Pay-per-View.”
“What a cheap jack-ass,” Amber said.
“Cheap! In a moment of selfish and controlling anger, he said he needed to tell me the engagement ring cost him close to a thousand dollars. He’d been wanting to tell me the cost since he gave it to me, and I said that was tacky. I didn’t need to know that. But he had to say it like I owed him the cost of the ring somehow. Like I was indebted to him.”
“That’s really not much in terms of some rings,” Amber said. “But to throw it in your face! As if you’d asked for it.”
“Well, to make him even cheaper, it was a Claddagh ring. He thought he’d win points by giving me an Irish wedding ring. So instead of an engagement ring and a wedding ring, you just turn the ring around on the wedding day, and the meaning of the hands and heart changes. It’s actually beautiful, you’ve probably seen the design, and the ring was beautiful. In other circumstances, it would have been perfect.”
“So he got a twofer,” Amber said. “I’d say he got a good deal. He should have used that as proof of his thrifty nature for your future, but instead he used it as proof of his jackassery.”
“Well, the clincher is… I went to the shop where he purchased it. It’s an Irish store, fine goods from Ireland… silver, wool, tartans. Anyway, the ring was on a big promotional poster but had sold out and was discontinued. The woman said how beautiful the ring was, and told me to enjoy wearing it. I asked her, out of casual curiosity, how much the ring had sold for. She told me it was four-hundred dollars.”
“Four-hundred!” gasped Amber. Mattie’s brows were furrowed in disgust, but he said nothing.
“I thanked her, and decided then that I’d pawn the ring over sending it back to him. My whole life, I reckoned I would be honourable and send a ring back if the wedding didn’t happen. My scruples were on the up and up. But this situation was not something I’d imagined. I thought, four-hundred is closer to zero than it is to a thousand, if we were being realistic.”
“Good for you!” Amber said emphatically. “So, wait, did you pawn it?”
“No When he came the other day, he asked to get it back, and I told him I didn’t have it, and he took that as a sign that I wanted to keep it to wear and hope that we would get back together. He said I’d come to my senses and stop hiding things from him. And when I put it back on my finger, he might take me back. So I mailed it back to him.”
“Aw, Jeez!” said Amber.
“He came to your apartment?” Mattie asked.
Fiánne told Mattie what she had previously told Amber about her ex’s arrival at her door. He asked her, as Amber had, about the locks on her door and any neighbours that she could call upon.
“Did he get it yet?” Amber asked. “The ring?”
“I don’t know,” Fiánne said. “It was only a few days.”
“Shit,” Amber muttered. “He sounds like such an asshole.”
“Well, at first he was funny. And we had fun. We did things. And I was so used to not doing anything, with my mother lying around drinking, and not having any money. Before I knew it, he was starting to control everything I did. And then he got cranky about everything. I couldn’t do anything right. He was so suspicious of me. And he liked to get reactions from me. One time, he told me he was having an affair. When I got upset, and locked him out of the bedroom, in a complete state, he wanted in, and told me he’d made it up. Just to see how I reacted. Like, if I cared. Or if I looked guilty, and told him I had done the same.”
“Oh my god, Fee,” said Amber, her eyes wide. She looked at Mattie, who was leaning forward, his eyebrows furrowed together, an expression of anger, frustration, and sadness mixed together on his face. “Honey,” she said, softly, putting her hand on Fiánne’s arm.
“Well,” Fiánne said, locking eyes with Amber for a moment. “I’m not going to go back. I’m done, and it took too much doing to get out, I’m not going to fall for any of it anymore.”
“Good for you,” Amber said.
Fiánne leaned forward for another cookie. “Now I’ve brought the party down,” she said, glancing at Mattie’s sombre face.
“No, no,” said Amber. “It’s good for you to talk. I’m glad you’re telling us. It’s so much nicer to have a friendship that isn’t all surface. We care about you, Fee. You can talk to me anytime, you know.”
“I know,” said Fiánne, with a smile. “That’s why I called you last week. I hope I didn’t bug you.”
“Bug me? You called me once, and I think I called you three times. I was starting to think I was being overbearing.”
“Oh, no, not at all. I... it sometimes takes me a lot to... reach out to people, I guess. He always said I was secretive.”
“Well, he is a loser and a nincompoop and a fucktard,” said Amber. “So I wouldn’t take anything he said into consideration.”
Mattie’s mouth turned up on one side. “Now that’s a descriptor,” he said, nodding in agreement. “You’ve traded in a loser nincompoop fucktard for two irreverent, compassionate MacTavishes. I think you’re the winner here,” he joked. “And we’re the winners. Because he has your past, but we’re here for your future.”
“Aww,” Fiánne said, smiling gratefully at him. “Thank you.”
Amber gave her a hug. “He’s right, you know,” she said. “We’re here. Your own people can’t treat you right, so we’re confiscating you. Hijacking the awesome girl for our own.”
Fiánne laughed. “I’ve been feeling pretty happy about that,” she admitted shyly.
“Good. You deserve to be happy, too.”
Mattie was desperate to hear her laugh again. He knew now why she didn’t laugh often. He knew now why, as Amber said, her expression had been so sad and haunted so much of the time. But she had talked, she had laughed, and he could hear a smile in her voice when she spoke earlier in the evening.
“You’re gonna be even happier in the fourth hour of looking at Christmas ornaments and hearing electronic Christmas tunes all around you tomorrow,” he said with a smirk. “I really don’t think you’ve imagined the scope of her Christmas insanity.”
Amber shot him a look. “I’m giving you a dirty look, Bro,” she narrated, winking at Fiánne. “He’s exaggerating. I am not that crazy. I’m a lightweight in the arena of Christmas insanity, don’t worry.”
Mattie just kept a closed-lipped grin on his face, and he crept forward, his hand finding the edge of the coffee table. He slowly reached it forward, his fingers curved in, looking for the plate with the cookies. Amber, who wouldn’t have even paid attention to this action in recent years, noticed this time, as Fiánne watched his hands like they were the most mesmerising thing in the world. She might have told him exact directions at this point, but the expression on Fiánne’s face stopped her. Instead, she took the focus away from the silence, so Mattie wouldn’t suspect the sudden attention was on him as he looked for the plate.
“It’s going to be a good day, and, no, we’re not going to be there for four hours, Xav. You think Riley would go along with four hours of that? I don’t think I could even handle four hours... but... maybe I could.”
Mattie had located the cookies, and took two, moving backwards into his chair. Fiánne had not taken her eyes from him until he sat back down, and then she looked briefly at Amber, who smiled at her, and she cast her eyes down, embarrassed that she had done something wrong. She was only curious, she told herself. She didn’t mean to be rude.
“You know you could,” Mattie replied. “I know I have to go along with it for about four weeks.”
“Hey, you can spend all those weeks in your own bah humbug house, you don’t have to come over here and be festive and joyous.”
Mattie shook his head, chuckling. “Now Amber’s exaggerating, Fiánne. I’m not nearly that miserly.”
“How can one of you be so into Christmas and the other not?” Fiánne laughed.
“His is a rouse,” Amber said. “Secretly he loves it, too. He just pretends that it doesn’t mean anything.”
The siblings didn’t have to wait to hear Fiánne laugh again, they had her spirits back up in no time. Once Mattie knew this, he felt he could go home feeling pretty positive about the evening. He picked up his mug, and retrieved his folded cane from the table.
“I should probably head out,” he said. “Let you girls get your beauty rest.”
Amber went to grab his jacket and Fiánne stood, too.
“Thanks for the evening,” Mattie said, turning to Fiánne. “I hope to see you again soon.”
“Me, too,” she said.
“Have fun at the thing tomorrow,” he said, unfolding his cane as Amber returned and handed him the leather jacket.
“We will,” she told him, and they all walked to the back door together. They continued to talk to him as he made his way to his guide rope, and started across the field.
“Watch,” Amber said, when he reached the other side, disappearing into the dark of the night. Moments later, the back door porch light flashed on and off twice, and Amber grinned at Fiánne. “We came up with that because I never knew if he made it in or not, when he first started doing it, since he doesn’t ever turn the lights on in the house when he gets there.”
“I suppose he wouldn’t,” Fiánne said, coming inside, rubbing the chilled air out of her clothes. “That makes sense.”
“Yeah. It’s weird seeing that house always dark,” Amber told her. “Though he does remember to turn on the lights when people come over. Which to me seems like a very generous thing to remember, if you never do it nor need to. But he usually flicks on a light if he’s on his way to answer the door. He said people get weirded out when he answers the door in the dark, no porch light, nothing. I mean, except me and Pete, I guess. Pete would just call him insensitive to the sighted or something.”
Fiánne burst out laughing. “I liked him... Peter,” she said. “He seems really nice.”
“Pete is... Pete is all jokes and teasing, and underneath, he is the most kind, most loyal, most valuable friend my brother could ever have.” She cleaned up with Fiánne helping, and she shared a little of Peter’s relationship with her brother, both before and after Mattie’s accident.
“I don’t know what I would have done without Peter,” Amber admitted. “I really don’t. He was there for us in every way. If I needed a rest, he would come keep Mattie company. He adjusted his friendship to take on Xav’s disability, and they moved on together, without any break down in their relationship. I think it strengthened their bond. I think Peter would be absolutely lost without Xav, and vice versa.”
“Everyone should have such a friendship,” Fiánne sighed.
“Yes, they should.” Amber smiled at Fiánne. “I’m glad you and I are friends.”
Fiánne nodded, happiness flashing across her eyes for a moment. “Me, too.”
Riley showed up around eleven the next morning, and when Amber and Fiánne were finally ready, they headed into the city to get into the Christmas spirit early.
Mattie was grateful he was staying home. He needed to get back on track, and he definitely didn’t need to pretend to be interested in Christmas ornaments and sparkly decorations. He headed to the study to get some work in, and managed to do just that for a couple of hours, before his mind would not stay on the task at hand. He sighed, leaning back, rubbing his head before running his hand through his hair to settle it back, thinking.
He was glad when Peter stopped in, and even more grateful when Peter suggested they head to his place for the afternoon. He gladly accepted Chloë’s invitation to supper later that evening. When Amber texted him, asking him where he was, he replied that he was at Peter’s, and left it at that.
The last thing Fiánne needed on top of her anxiety over her ex-fiancé and her mother, was the compounding interest of a blind guy, Mattie figured. He wasn’t going to make her life any more difficult than it already had been. He would, like Amber, be her friend. But he needed to reel himself in, and that meant not letting himself head over there every time he knew she was at Amber’s. This girl needed special care, she needed space and time and attention. He was sure Amber would provide all these things, as looking after the ones she loved came so naturally to her. Fiánne needed healing time, and Mattie had no intentions to cause her any more hurt.
Besides, Mattie had no intention of being hurt himself ever again.
“Come on,” Mattie said to Christopher Garnet as they headed through the music room. “What is it?”
“Nope, this is way more fun. And I don’t even need to take the effort to put a blindfold on you, so thanks.”
Mattie turned his head, hearing the others. “Lena?”
“I’m right here, Xav,” said the guitar player, across the room.
“Give me a clue?” he asked her. “This isn’t fair.”
“Pretend I did blindfold you,” Garnet suggested. “Then it would be fair, because it’s a surprise. This is totally allowed when it’s a surprise.”
Mattie groaned, following Garnet to the other side.
“Okay, Piano Man. Thing is, your musical instrument of choice is kinda huge to lug around. And sometimes those halls don’t have a piano for you to hammer away on. So we can’t take you and break you out. So we’re lightening your load, and giving you more reason to come out and play anywhere.”
Mattie frowned, not understanding anything Garnet was explaining. Garnet picked up Mattie’s hand and placed in on the object in front of him.
Kyle, the drummer, smiled and nudged Lena forward, and Howes approached from the other side, all of them watching Mattie’s expression.
He looked puzzled, still, as he felt Garnet place his hand on a smooth surface. He let go of Garnet’s elbow and used both hands to explore. As soon as he slid his hand to the right, he knew immediately what it was. He felt a keyboard, a full keyboard, on a smooth case, with buttons and dials all along the top. It sat on a sturdy stand, which hinged in the middle. He felt the cord and the switches and the dials.
Garnet grinned at the others as Mattie examined the instrument in front of him in detail.
“Merry Christmas, Dude,” he said to Mattie.
“Wait,” said Mattie, standing, turning slightly toward Garnet. “It’s not for me, though.” He sounded uncertain, and it came out more like a question.
“Well, you’re the piano player,” said Garnet. “Why would we give it to Dempster over there?”
“You’re giving me a keyboard?” Mattie asked, still confused. “No, you’re not. I mean, it’s for the band. It’s cool, for the band.” He nodded, as if he had explained it to himself.
“Well, yeah, it’s for the band, Dude, but it’s yours. All yours. If the band breaks up and we all take on solo careers, you’ll still have this.”
Mattie’s nod had turned into a negative shake. “No, you guys. I can’t accept this, really. I don’t have anything like this for you guys. Why’d... No, this isn’t fair.”
“Do you like it?” asked Lena.
Mattie, once again with brows furrowed, reached out and glided his fingertips along the surface. He opened his mouth, taking a breath to say something, and then closed it again.
“We looked at new ones, and we looked at ones online, and we decided that most of the newer models are too digital for you to use properly. They’re all touch pads and everything, all the information is relayed visually. The ones that are more tactile are also more expensive. So we thought about it, wonder how we could mock up some bumps or something on a flat pad, and then we went to Reboot to see Tony. This had just come in last week. It’s been in a college students’ storage closet in the case for years, and hasn’t even got dust on it. We all looked at it, and we were pretty happy to see that it’s got real dials and knobs on it. If you play around with it, you’ll soon have everything in that crazy memory of yours, and you’ll know the ins and outs of it. I checked it out. All the keys work.” He grinned.
Mattie was once again overwhelmed by the thought and care of his friends. His lip quivered as he again thought about saying something and again stopped. He raised his eyebrows and lifted a hand as if to search for a word in the air.
“I don’t know what to say,” he finally said, his hand finally coming to rest nestled in the hair on his head. Finally, he dropped both hands in defeat, a faint smile on his lips.
Lena moved toward him, her arms out, and soon, the others followed suit, enveloping Mattie in a group hug.
“Merry Christmas, Xav,” she said. “Early, of course. We wanted you to have this in time for our shows.”
The others wished him early Merry Christmas as well, laughing until he joined in, still shaken by the surprise. Lena showed him the basic layout of the soundboard, guiding his hands to each button as she explained it. He eagerly took in all the information she gave him, and then he gave it a sound test, his smile getting wider the more he explored the sounds it made.
“Next year it’s going to be Mister Howes here that we spoil, but this year, it’s you, MacTavish, you lucky dog,” Garnet teased him.
“We just want you to be able to take your music with you,” Lena said. “We can all bring our instruments, and Kyle can always beat a stick on something or another.”
“It’s a little more technical than that,” said Kyle.
“Sure,” said James. “But if need be, you can keep the beat with your fingers and a table.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Kyle agreed reluctantly.
“You guys,” began Mattie.
“Just say thank you and Merry Christmas, Dude,” said Garnet.
Mattie smiled with complete joy all over his face. “Thank you, and Merry Christmas, Dude,” he said. “I’m completely astonished and touched and amazed and proud to have you guys as friends. This is amazing. I... If I say anything else, I’m going to lose my composure, here. Thank you,” he said with much gratitude.
“You rock,” said Garnet, “and now you’ll rock even better and in more places.”
Mattie laughed. It was beginning to be difficult to dislike Christmas lately. The thought and kindness that people bestowed on him at the holidays was intensely emotional to him, and as usual, he pushed those emotions down for later, when he was alone. He let himself accept their gift, knowing it would better their chances for playing in other places than the music room or the theatre. For the betterment of the band, he thought to himself. They did it for the whole band, and Mattie was happy to be needed enough to warrant such a gift.
“There is a book,” said James. “You can scan it into your computer or have your sister look at it, or one of us can help you with it...”
“Thanks, this is so awesome. I’m so excited to try it out, you guys don’t even know.”
“We can tell by your face,” laughed Lena. “You forget we can see yours, too.”
“Oh, right,” Mattie smirked, unable to stop smiling.
They were pleased that Mattie loved the gift as much as they hoped he would. When they were finished looking it all over and giving him the visuals he needed, they helped him pack it in the case, and James carried it out to Peter’s truck.
“Wass this?” Peter asked, a giant grin on his face, seeing the excited and happy faces of the group that approached the door.
“They got me a keyboard,” Mattie said, proud as punch. “A proper, full-length keyboard. Old-school, with buttons and knobs for me to feel.”
“Jeez, that’s awesome,” Peter said. “Now you can play weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.”
The others laughed, and Mattie shook his head, chuckling. He turned, thanking them all again, positively radiant, unable to stop smiling. They helped him load the case behind the seat, and put the folded stand alongside it. He felt like it was already Christmas as they pulled away, waving to the festive little group. He wondered if that maybe was the Spirit of Christmas making its way to Mattie after all. He hoped, without saying it, that the feeling of joy and excitement would still be with him the next day, and carry him to Christmas.
Small Mercies Chapter 61, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Mattie knew it was a losing battle to keep his mind from the girl who had sat in his living room the night before, so he called Peter to help distract him, and to get him out of the house. He didn’t need this, she didn’t need this. He’d already made his mind up about this sort of thing and he wasn’t about to be swayed by one night. She was a passing phase; he’d be fine in a few days, a week at most.
Fiánne didn’t bring up Matthew the following morning. She was disappointed that they didn’t see him, but the last thing she wanted to do was let Amber think she was interested in her brother. Fiánne had enough on her plate, and she didn’t need to burden a man who had gone through his share. She heard every comment Amber made about him, however, and put it in a folder in her mind that she marked secret, and gathered as much information as she could without actually asking anything.
Amber had not set it up. Mattie was sure of it. He didn’t want to intrude on their friendship when it was obvious that it was genuine. He was glad he’d already decided that love was way too much of a gamble. Why complicate things?
Instead, he went to work, rehearsed with his band, and continued his efforts to go to the gym. He had gone back to the gym where Craig worked, with Amber’s blessing, and Craig took to being Mattie’s personal trainer, free with a membership. Mattie learned about stretching, and all the machines in the room. Craig let him explore the workings of the machines, watching Mattie’s fingers for him, to keep from getting anything pinched. Craig had him jump rope, which took only a few tries for him to figure out his own rhythm. He was exhausted in less than a minute.
“Oh,” he groaned. “I am so out of shape.”
“No, you’re not, Xav, you’re actually pretty toned now. You just have cardio issues, and it’s because you can’t do anything to speed to get your heart rate up on your own. That’s why I thought of this. You don’t have gym equipment, and you can’t just go out running at a good clip, but you can easily use a skipping rope. Just make sure your surroundings are clear. You might travel a bit, I’m not sure. But even just a minute, work your way up to two, three... It will get your heart rate and your endurance up.”
Mattie nodded.
“You want to try the heavy bag?”
“What? The heavy bag? Am I Rocky Five?”
“It’s about balance, Xav. Balance and knowing where your next move comes from.”
“I don’t know about that,” Mattie said.
“I think you’ll surprise yourself,” said Craig.
“You’re pretty confident in my abilities,” Mattie said.
“I’ve seen what you can do, I have good reason.”
“Curse my past endeavours,” Mattie said, raising his fist to the ceiling and shaking it.
Craig laughed. “Come on. I’ll show you how simple it is.”
“Right,” Mattie said, taking Craig’s elbow. “You won’t make me try to hit that little suspended ball that hits you right back, will you?”
“The uppercut bag? Not today.”
Mattie didn’t see the glint in Craig’s eyes, so he turned, a piercing look on his face, and scowled at Craig. “Seriously, Dude,” he said.
“We’ll try the big one. See how you make out. You have a good sense of timing, I think you’ll get the hang of this. Okay. Here we are.” He took Mattie’s hands up and placed them on the large, heavy punching bag. “It’s a good idea anyway, Xav, for you to have some self-defence techniques. You are in a more vulnerable position than most people.”
“I know,” Mattie said. As much as he loathed admitting it, he knew he was at risk of being robbed when he travelled alone. He stood back up and stepped back. “I’m really not sure about this. I mean, I’m not a very buffed-up guy...”
“No, no, you don’t have to be, Xav. You’re strong enough, don’t worry about that. This is for anyone, girls, guys, heck, I saw a guy in a wheelchair giving it a good pummelling and no-one could have said he shouldn’t be giving it a go. Besides, it feels good, you can pound out frustrations and anger and you end up feeling more energised and on top of it when you’re finished. Okay, now, I’m going to show you your stance.”
He positioned Mattie, physically moving his body to the right placement. He guided Mattie’s hands forward, instructing with each step. He hadn’t told Mattie yet that he was going back to school, at thirty-seven, because he wanted to be a physical trainer and therapist for disabled and injured people who wanted to make their body as strong and fierce as it could be. He wanted to specialise in the gym doing exactly what he was doing with Mattie, working with people who had their own specific limitations, making their abilities stronger, giving them inspiration to keep climbing. He knew Mattie had been the one to push him into this new step, though he’d worked before with athletes and gym-goers with disabilities. Mattie kept trying new things, Craig had heard and seen this firsthand, and each success sent him forward. Craig wanted to help others get to their best place, too, and he was excited about the courses he would be taking and the people with whom he might work.
“I hear your sister has a new fella,” Craig said, showing Mattie exactly how to punch out, how to hold his arms, and how to guess where the bag would swing and how long it would take to come back to the place he needed it to be to get another punch in.
“Uh,” said Mattie. “Yeah. She does.”
“I’m happy for her, Xav, don’t worry. We had a good run, and I’m glad she’s happy. We just weren’t headed for the same place. We always got along very well, and it wasn’t really a bad break-up, if you can ever say that about a break-up.”
“Yeah. I think she knew it wasn’t going to last forever. She was still bummed, of course. It was sad times for her. But this new guy seems like a decent fella, so hopefully it will work out. How about you?”
“Good for her. Me? Well, I’m kind of just surveying the crowds right now. Dated a couple of ladies but nothing serious.” He grabbed the swinging punching bag, holding it steady for Mattie. “I’m going to hold it here until you get the moves in, and then we can work on the anticipation of attack.”
“Blind man savagely attacked by large heavy bag. No eyewitnesses whatsoever,” Mattie headlined, but he let Craig push lightweight boxing gloves on his hands.
“Okay. Get ready to jab, one-two, one-two.”
Mattie worked hard at following everything Craig told him to do. He felt the muscles between his shoulder blades, the muscles in his arms, the quickening of his heartbeat. He concentrated hard on his direction, his target, and his footing, and it was not easy to co-ordinate all things at once. A few times he swung past the bag, his orientation off by a tiny fraction, and he’d nearly lost his balance. Craig was fast to steady him on one occasion.
“Sorry, Dude,” said Mattie, feeling clumsy as hell. “I really don’t have a very good sense of balance.”
“Yeah, but it’s not an inner ear issue, right? It’s just lack of any visual input of placement.”
“Yup,” said Mattie, shrugging. “Just that.”
“Well, all this might help with that,” Craig suggested. “You’re going to learn more about your centre of gravity and how to balance over your legs and feet to keep the best position. I think you’ll be able to develop that sense of balance by feel alone. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.”
“Maybe it will keep me from falling off Peter’s boat,” said Mattie, only half-joking.
“It definitely can’t hurt.”
Mattie tried again, and got a series of punches and jabs in, and Craig was impressed. He gave him some tips and positive reinforcement and let Mattie go at it again. He held the bag until Mattie seemed to have a good memory of placement, and then he let it go, giving Mattie some direction, helping him to locate the perfect spot each time, trying to get Mattie to bounce a little more on his feet, moving while keeping his orientation.
It was not easy, but when he was finished his work-out, he felt tingly and invigorated. His hands felt like they were buzzing, and his muscles pinged.
“Good work-out, Xav. How do you feel?”
“Like I should run up the steps to the Philadelphia Museum of Art,” Mattie said.
Craig laughed. “Maybe you will one day, Dude. Maybe we’ll run a race together and then celebrate with a shot-by-shot Rocky victory stair climb.”
Mattie laughed, rubbing his hair with the towel Craig handed him. They headed to the locker room, and Mattie took his things and went to shower. Craig had given him the lay-out of the lockers and the showers and bathrooms and the sauna when it was quiet, and Mattie had become comfortable with getting around there. His chosen time to go to the gym was around two in the afternoon on Tuesday and Thursday, the two days he didn’t have classes, and those were possibly the quietest times for him to be there. He liked it quiet, when it was just the steady beat of the music and the occasional clunk of a weight or piece of equipment, and there was not the overwhelming feeling of being surrounded.
He took a cab back to work. He’d come over on the bus, but he wasn’t anxious to take it back. Craig called one to come for him and kept an eye out for it to arrive. He walked Mattie to the cab, opening the door for him, and telling him he’d have a skipping rope for him to take home the next time.
Back at the university, Mattie made his way slowly back to his room, stopping by the department offices to check his mailbox. He talked to Professor Durnley there for a moment, and greeted a few other recognisable voices that said hello to him. This building had become familiar to him, and the people working alongside him were familiar also. He no longer felt like that obvious, neon-lit, disabled charity case walking around campus. People greeted him because they liked and respected him. He was good at relating to his students and they gave him their regard, but also they joked with him like he wasn’t completely untouchable. He sometimes had a hard time figuring out how it had become so normal for him. He’d never expected it would just be part of his life in the same way as his height was. It was something that was always present, but never consciously dwelled on. Four years, he thought. It had taken him four years to get here.
At the end of the day, Mattie waited inside the doors near the heater for Peter’s truck, and when he heard the short double beep of Pete’s horn, he stepped outside into the cold October air. There was no mistaking where the truck was, Mattie could recognise that sound anywhere. He followed the side panel to the door handle and took off his carrier bag, slinging it onto the floor and folding his cane before hoisting himself in.
“How dark is it?” he asked Peter. “Is the sun gone now?”
“Yeah,” Peter said. “It went down about a half-hour ago. Did you need it for something?”
“No. I just forget when it starts getting dark earlier. I mean, I know when but I just don’t know... exactly. I don’t even know how to explain what I mean.”
“I know what you mean,” Peter said.
“It’s cold,” Mattie explained. “That’s why I figured.”
“Yeah. I guess we really are headed for winter now.”
“Please,” said Mattie. “There’s still well over a month before we can say that.” He rolled his head back and groaned. “Arggh, I hate ice and snow.”
Peter glanced at his friend, once more wishing things didn’t have to be so difficult for him all the time.
“Do you have creepers for your boots?” Peter asked. “You had some last year, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a pair. They work okay, but I still walk like I’m on tiptoes. They’re no match for hard ice.”
Peter took a breath, thinking hard. There had to be something that would make it less dangerous for Mattie to get around in winter. He figured he would bring it up with the engineers he worked with, and see if they had any ideas.
“Well, as you say, we have a while yet before then.”
Mattie nodded, sitting back. It was all such an ordeal and the thought of months of snow and ice made him already tired of it.
Amber and Riley carved the pumpkins, and they brought two over to Mattie on the night before Hallowe’en.
“We dressed up as Batman and Catwoman,” Amber said. “We went to a party with Riley’s work friends on Saturday night, but we’re gonna dress up to give out treats. You should come over here, and join us. Hey! You could be Daredevil!” Amber said, excited. The weekend before the couple had gone to Montréal together, and the trip had solidified their relationship. Amber had been entirely too cheerful in the past week since their return, in Mattie’s opinion.
Mattie scrunched up his eye and shook his head.
“Why not? Are you giving out candy this year? You did last year.”
“I have stuff to give out, remember, you ate it the first time in the storm, and got me more.”
“Right, yeah. Well, you could come over t’my house, you know.”
“I know. Maybe.”
Amber looked at her brother, already knowing he would most likely stay home. She wasn’t sure what his aversion to Hallowe’en was, but she was glad he was at least going to welcome kids that came to his house again. Lilla would visit him and he would be okay, that was something she was sure about.
Mattie remembered to turn his porch lights and his living room lights on so that people would know he was home and welcoming the trick or treaters. He had a bowl of little bags of chips and another of little boxes of Smarties, and he had a fresh pot of tea and back-to-back episodes of Modern Family on TV. He felt anxious, waiting for cars to come, to meet and greet them and not feel completely lost. Some kids didn’t say much, and he wasn’t sure if they were even there or they had left again. Some parents were awkward and ridiculous. Some kids said mean things, not knowing they were being hurtful, just wanting to make their friends laugh. The whole event made his anxiety climb, but he endeavoured to do it for the kids for whom the night was special and magical, for kids like Lilla.
Mattie’s first visitors were the Newcombes, and the three kids remembered this year to tell Mattie exactly what their costumes were. Mattie dished out the treats and waved to the emptiness where he knew the kids’ mother sat waiting in her car. He received a short double-beep of the car horn, and he smiled, closing the door again.
He had two more kids, then one more, and then, when he heard another vehicle, and he opened the door, he laughed out loud, hearing his name shouted with excitement.
“Lilla!” he called, hearing her running towards him.
“Trick or treat!” she said, reaching the top of the stairs.
“Oh, I have treats, no tricks required.” He turned, hearing more footsteps.
“R’member my best friend, Grace?”
Lilla had many best friends, Mattie thought to himself, not keeping track of any of them. “Hya, Grace,” he said, smiling at the other person.
“We figured it would be more fun to go together. Oh, and remember Logan?”
Mattie heard a third set of footsteps on the stairs. Logan. Who was Logan? He tried to remember.
“Hi, Sir,” said the third person. “Remember me? I was a wizard last year.”
Mattie remembered. The chubby wizard who loved Smarties. Whose mother was less than delightful. “Logan Foster,” he said, a smile on his face. He turned to Lilla, his mouth open in surprise.
“We invited him to come along,” Lilla said. “His mother didn’t want to take him out and he had such a good time last year. I figured we’d have more fun if there were three of us. Plus, we can trade the candy afterwards and get all our favourites. Except Logan has to go home right after, but my mummy said that she would stop at the house first so we could divvy up our stuff a little, and she’d call Mrs. Foster to let her know we will be there soon.”
Mattie swelled with pride and care for this little person. She did so much good, with her little extroverted heart of gold. The Robertses deserved a medal for creating and raising such a bright star.
“That is truly a kind thing, Lilla. Good girl, for thinking of Logan. And is it more fun with more people?” he asked her.
“Yep. Grace has an older sister who won’t go anymore, and I always have to be alone, and Logan doesn’t have anyone to go with. It’s way more fun when there is a group.”
“That’s awesome. I’m glad you’re having fun. So, come on, tell me your costumes, give me the run-down.” He knew Lilla had not hidden the fact from her friend that Mattie was blind, unlike his own sister. He figured she’d pretty much schooled them all. They were no doubt prepared.
“Do you want to go first, Logan?” Lilla asked, leaning over to look at Logan.
“Well, I had a costume but it didn’t fit me... so I had to come up with another one,” said the boy sheepishly. “But Mrs. Roberts helped out... I have a brown leather jacket and a brown hat. And I have a big whip made out of a plug cord.”
“And he has brown marks on his face!” Lilla added. “with a brown makeup pencil. Like beard scruff, like you have in the summer, Mattie.” She was excited for him to guess.
Mattie grinned. “I know,” he said. “You’re Indiana Jones, the swashbuckling archaeologist!”
“You guessed!” exclaimed Logan, his mood lifting again. “I must look like him!”
“You do,” Mattie assured him. “I knew right away. That’s an awesome costume.”
Grace looked at Lilla, who smiled at her with encouragement.
“I’m... um... is he supposed to guess or do I just tell him what I am?” the little girl asked her friend.
“Do you want to guess, Mattie?” Lilla asked Mattie. She didn’t know about disability inclusion or the courtesy of addressing a person instead of talking around them. What she knew was her natural inclination to always bring everyone in.
“I’ll guess,” Mattie said, liking the game. “Tell me what you have on.”
That gave Grace a jumping off point. “I have a red and black dress on. And I have a crown. And I have hearts pinned all over my dress and sparkly red hearts on my crown, too. And I have a staff with a...” she turned, whispering to Lilla. “If I tell him what’s on my staff, he’ll know...”
Lilla thought for a moment. “Go fish?” she said to Mattie.
A grin lit across Mattie face. “Playing cards...” he said. “Are you the Queen of Hearts?”
“You got it!” Grace said, surprised. “Can you see me?”
Mattie laughed. “Only from your description,” he said. “But it was a good one. And you didn’t give it away, either, those were good hints. Nice one, Lilla.” He shook his head a little in disbelief. Smart kid.
He turned to her. “Well, Kiddo, I know you’re a sorceress. And you’ve given me updates on your costume. But now I wanna see the whole thing, let me have it.”
Lilla almost flounced a curtsey. She posed, just for her own presentation, and she gave Mattie her description from top to bottom.
“My hat is purple and it kind of crinkles at the top. Here.” She stepped forward and picked up his hand and placed it against her hat.
Mattie felt the soft, thick wool of the hat, which stood up from the crown of her head and then kind of rumpled off to the side. He grinned, seeing it clearly in his mind.
“I have purple lipstick and black eyebrows,” she continued.
“And stars on your cheeks,” added Grace.
“Oh yeah! I have silver stars on my cheeks. And I have a black robe with a moon and a star on the back. And I have black pointy boots on, and a wand with a star made out of sparkly paper. And I have the moon bracelet you gave me...”
“Mood bracelet,” he corrected with a smile.
“Oh, yeah. I keep thinking it’s a moon-stone.”
Mattie smiled. “That sounds pretty, too. Maybe it is a moonstone.”
“Mummy let me wear her big crystal necklace, too.” She once again picked up his hand and held the pendant by the chain over it, letting it fall into the cup of his palm. He looked at it with both hands, figuring out its oblong shape.
“Can you cast spells?”
“Of course I can,” she replied. “But only good ones.”
“Oh, well, phew!” Mattie exclaimed, dropping the pendant gently.
“I’ll put a good spell on your house,” Lilla said. “So that bad things don’t happen in it.”
“Oh, that would be very lovely, you can do that?”
“Yes. But only when it’s Hallowe’en.” She closed her eyes and held out her wand with one hand and her crystal with the other. “Alakazam! Alakazad! Protect Mattie’s house from anything bad!” she incanted, and Mattie smiled, nodding.
“That’s amazing,” Mattie said. “Thank you so much.”
Logan chortled. “I don’t think that’s really a spell,” he said.
“It is on Hallowe’en,” Mattie said, following Lilla’s lead.
“So bad things won’t happen only on Hallowe’en?” asked Grace curiously.
“It’s just pretend,” Lilla sighed, slightly irritated.
“Well,” said Mattie, breaking the moment of disbelief in magic. “You definitely deserve the treatiest treats for you not playing tricks on me. Hold out your bags... or pumpkins... or whatever you’re using.” He held out a bag of chips and two boxes of Smarties each, finding the openings to the children’s pillowcases and plastic bags and dropping them in.
“Thanks, Mattie!” they all said, nearly in unison. Mattie grinned.
He heard the thunder of the children speedily retreating to the car to head to the next house for more candy, but Lilla held back, making sure to give Mattie a hug before leaving.
“You have fun, Lilla,” he said to her, kissing her hair after her hat fell off. “Thank you for coming to see me.”
“Thank you!” she called back, grabbing the hat as she went to rejoin her friends in the back seat of the car.
Again, Mattie received a beep from the car, and Mattie waved happily to Lilla’s mother before returning back inside.
There was a period of about twenty-five minutes where Mattie gave away handfuls of chips and Smarties. There was a pirate and a witch, a Power Ranger, then a set of Tweedle-Dee and -Dum, along with their older brother, a snowman. His mother explained to Mattie that the little boy was adamant on being a snowman at Hallowe’en and she finally decided it was ridiculous to argue. Mattie nodded, shrugging with a chuckle. Kids were funny beings. After that, there was a skeleton, Batman, a little girl who didn’t tell Mattie what she was, and a Kermit the Frog.
Mattie was pleased that he was getting feedback from most of the children. The younger ones that came in with parents usually didn’t say much, as they had parents to talk for them. Mattie didn’t encounter any adults with problems chatting with him, which loosened him up. He’d been dreading the affair of Hallowe’en for days, and now it appeared he had worked himself up over nothing.
He still let his imagination run away with him in thoughts of what might happen. He’d thought of lots of things, from not knowing where the children were to give them candy, to imagining older kids, teenagers, drinking maybe, deciding to prank a blind man. Or just frighten him. Or damaging his property. They were all negative thoughts, he realised, and it struck him how he hadn’t anticipated lovely things, like Lilla inviting Logan to join her group, or that Kermit the Frog might actually sing part of It’s Not Easy Being Green to him before forgetting the rest of the words. He didn’t like that he couldn’t very well teach his students to look forward to things for the best they got out of them if he couldn’t do it himself.
He also didn’t like that sometimes, being blind made him scared.
His next visitors were a hobo escorting her little brother and sister, a Lego and a dog, respectively, and two little boys dressed as ninjas. They performed some very animated-sounding moves for Mattie and thanked him in raspy whispers before stomping away quickly down the steps, much less stealthily than they intended, Mattie hoped, grinning.
It was quiet again for a while, and then there was a neighbour, Annette Kayle, bringing her baby dressed like a pea pod.
“I wasn’t sure if you were giving out Treats,” she said to him. “But I saw your lights on... I thought maybe you were open to greeting babies.”
Mattie smiled. He’d met Annette a few times around the community, she had married a local man, and they’d just had their first child.
“I’m totally open for greeting babies,” he said, smiling. “Would Mama like some Smarties?”
“Mama would love some Smarties, thank you. I think of this as more of an excuse to show off my little pea in a pod, I guess. But as I was driving up...”
“Yeah,” Mattie said, a slightly uncomfortable smile on his face as he rubbed a lock of hair across his forehead self-conciously. “Well, uh... Tell me about her.”
He heard the smile in the proud mother’s voice as she told him about her little pea, Suzannah. The baby cooed a little and giggled, and Mattie instantly connected to the little living being, it became real to him with sound. He smiled brightly, and Annette put his fingers on the baby’s cheek. He could feel the puffed soft fleece of the costume hood around the baby’s face, and he lowered his eyelids, a happy grin on his lips.
“She’s absolutely perfect,” he said, gently running his fingers across the velvety soft cheek and the tiny little nose.
“Yeah,” said Annette, smiling at him, glad she’d stopped after all. “She is.”
“She’s definitely nice and snug as a pea in a pod,” he laughed.
“Yes, as soon as I put her in it, she just snuggled right in all happy. I might use it for weeks,” she giggled. “Well, thank you! Happy Hallowe’en!”
“Happy Hallowe’en to you, Annette. And Suzannah.”
Once more, he was mad at himself for anticipating the worst on Hallowe’en night. And once again, he caught himself imagining having his own little children to dress up on Hallowe’en. He stopped himself on both accounts and went back to his tea and television.
He started to feel a little less anxious by around eight-thirty, when the traffic had slowed to quiet. He figured he was in the clear by nine. Amber must have felt the same, as she phoned him to hear how he made out.
“Come over?” she asked. “Or can we pop over there for a bit?”
“Sure, come over,” he said.
“You can help us eat the leftovers,” Amber said and hung up. Mattie didn’t bother getting up when he heard them arriving into the kitchen from the back door, and before long, they had joined him in the living room. Amber dumped a bag of candy onto the coffee table, and gave her brother a run-down on the contents.
“Want a beer, Riley? Amber?” Mattie offered his guests.
Amber retrieved the beer and located one of the Reese peanut butter cups for Mattie. Mattie didn’t open the bottle Amber put on the table for him, but he ate the chocolate.
Amber and Riley tried to remember all the characters that came to their door all evening, and Mattie nodded, telling them which ones had come to his. He had had fewer visitors than Amber had, and he knew it was just because parents assumed he wouldn’t be able to contribute to their kids’ night somehow. Why would they, when he couldn’t see the costumes, which was the point of the whole night.
“Lilla looked like she was having fun with her friends.”
“She cast a protection spell over my house,” Mattie informed her.
Amber laughed. “Oh, that was nice of her. You’re a lucky one!”
Mattie nodded. He figured anyone who was in Lilla’s circle was pretty damn lucky.
November’s weather announced itself quickly and without charm. It was cold, grey, and often rainy. Mattie maintained the wood stove in the kitchen, to keep the damp out.
He caught a cold straight off the bat, and spent a few days running low on sensory input. His ears were plugged, his nose stuffed, his taste buds dull. He felt like he was underwater, like his head was drowning in a bathtub. He slept as much as he could on Sunday and he took Tuesday off, since he didn’t have classes. Amber brought him Kleenex with lotion, a heating pad, and turkey soup. By Thursday, he was feeling well enough to stay into the afternoon having a practice session with the band.
On Friday, Amber called him at work, asking him if he would go meet Fiánne at the alterations shop and give her a lift back to Amber’s at the end of his day. There were also two of his shirts to be picked up, so Amber had worked a plan out to get the shirts and Fiánne back to the country without causing any extra work.
It was a nice day, and Mattie wanted to get some fresh air to cure the tail end of the cold. He put on his wool fall coat and tartan scarf and texted Peter to meet him in the parking lot down by the market, and to make room in the beastly old truck for a nice lady. Peter sent back question marks in reply. Mattie responded that this was Amber’s friend, and that they were doing her a favour.
Mattie made his way off the campus, following his usual route, the steps familiar, the feedback from his cane predictable, the sounds around him giving him a sense of direction and placement. He was glad that there were places for him that had become ingrained in his memory map. He always hated the feeling of being lost, and needing someone to help him just to walk somewhere safely. It was a rare thing to be so comfortable in a place that he didn’t feel his anxiety building inside him like mercury in a thermometer. He knew there was a lift in the step between a curb and the sidewalk just before he crossed the little side street next to the convenience store on his right. He found it with his cane and had no trouble, unlike one time a year earlier, when he’d gone down on both hands and knees on the pavement. Fortunately, there was very little movement of cars on that side street, and he was in no danger from traffic. But falling, tripping, was not on his list of achievements, so he learned exactly where these traps were, and anticipated them.
The alterations shop was next to an athletics shop, and conveniently close to both a store that sold men’s suits and dress clothes, and a shop that sold prom dresses and wedding gowns. Mattie knew three of the women who had been working there for years, since he’d first needed to wear tailored suits for his work. They’d come to know his style and what he liked. He appreciated their feedback now that he couldn’t see his own reflection. They’d told him they were glad that he hadn’t changed how he dressed after he could no longer see his clothes, he had his own style that had been influenced by his grandfather and honed by his own creativity and love of colours. They liked his vests and his bright sneakers and his matching of cardigans under suit jackets. They knew Amber was also instrumental in him keeping his own personal style, not letting others dress him, not letting a disability cut down his personality.
Mattie felt the door, and noted the electronic beep it made as he opened it. He was glad that some things meant for sighted people really were more beneficial to blind ones. He knew it was exactly where he wanted to be.
“Matthew!”
“Terri,” Mattie replied, stepping forward to find the half wall, following it toward where Terri stood near the cash register.
“I hear you are picking up a fare.”
“A fair fare, and two shirts,” he said with a grin.
“Oh, yes, right, I’ll get you the shirts, Fiánne, you go get your stuff ready. Don’t worry about the pants, I’ll finish them.”
“They just need pressing,” Fiánne said, turning off her sewing machine.
“Well, there. Perfect. Matthew, you can have a seat if you’d like. She won’t be long. I’ll be right back with your shirts.”
Mattie knew there were two soft leather chairs behind him against the wall with a little table between them, but he stayed standing where he was. Terri was back with his shirts in a moment, and as he was settling the bill, Fiánne approached his side.
He turned a bit toward her and smiled.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi. All ready?”
“Yes.”
“My friend Peter will meet us over in the market parking lot. Uh... is there anything you want me to help you with?”
“No,” she replied. “I’ve got everything.”
Mattie started toward the door. “Thank you for the shirts,” he said back towards the area behind the half wall, and the three women all bade them farewell. He opened the door for Fiánne and she slid through, turning back as he came through the door himself.
“Do you mind if I take your elbow?” Mattie asked. “It’s a little easier and I won’t loose you.” He smiled at her. He’d gotten less self-conscience about asking for a guide nowadays, though it sometimes still felt awkward with strangers.
“I don’t mind at all,” Fiánne replied, and she placed his outstretched hand into the crook of her arm. “Like this?” she asked, a little shyly.
He smiled and nodded. “That’s perfect.” He said.
“Now what?” she asked.
Mattie found Fiánne’s elbow to be slender, and she was taller than Amber, but somehow smaller, slighter. He felt a flutter of something in his chest, and beat it down. This was Amber’s friend, and he didn’t need to be infatuated with her.
“Now, I just walk about a half a step behind you, and I can tell what you do, step up or down or stop, in advance. And we just... walk. And discuss the weather, naturally.”
Fiánne laughed, a genuine little burst, and nodded. “Sounds good to me,” she said, and they started towards the crosswalk at the intersection.
“Worst weather comment,” Fiánne said, continuing. “Hot enough for ya? Or it’s equally ridiculous counterpart, Cold enough for ya?”
Mattie groaned, a grin crossing his face. “That is bad,” he said. “How about, D’ya think this rain will ever stop?”
“Ugh,” she returned. “Small talk is so rough.”
“Agreed,” Mattie said, as Fiánne stopped, hitting the pedestrian button to cross the narrow intersection.
“Thank you,” she said. “For giving me a lift. Amber was so kind to invite me to come stay.”
“It’s no problem,” he replied. “She called me at work, and it’s not out of our way to pick you up any time you want to stay over. She enjoys your visits. She likes girl-time, and I just don’t cut it.”
They continued along the sidewalk until they reached the end of the block and then crossed the street and entered the parking lot beside the market.
“So, will your friend find us? What does he drive?”
Mattie chuckled. “Oh, I’ll find him, don’t worry. He’ll just let the old thing run and he might give me a beep or two, and I’ll just make my way toward the sound of scrap metal being attacked by a lawnmower.”
“That bad?” Fiánne asked, an open grin on her face.
“I may exaggerate a little,” he said. “But I have no trouble picking him out. Are you warm enough? He’ll be here shortly; he was just finishing up when I was leaving.”
“I’m fine,” she said, looking at him when they’d come to a halt. He looked handsome, the plaid scarf under his chin, and tucked down into a nice, warm, black wool coat. He had on a pair of sturdy black suede dress boots, and his hair was longer, curlier even, and slightly more unruly than the last time she’d seen him. He wore a pair of dark aviator shades, and Fiánne felt her heart flutter at his effect on her.
“Speak of the devil,” Mattie said, turning his head. A truck pulled into the parking lot and headed toward them, slowing up next to them.
Mattie stepped toward the door and found the handle without too much fumbling. He didn’t want to loose his poise so far attained in front of Fiánne. He opened the door, holding it.
“Hey, Kids!” called Peter.
“Peter, this is Fiánne, Amber’s friend. Fiánne, Peter.”
They exchanged hellos and Mattie asked Fiánne if she wanted in the middle or on the outside, he was fine either way.
“You can take the window seat, it doesn’t seem right for me to have it,” Mattie said when Fiánne hedged on making a decision. He knew it might be uncomfortable for her to be between the two of them when she didn’t really know either of them.
Except he’d drank wine with her by the fireplace, and listened to her laugh at his jokes.
“I wouldn’t be so bold as to grab Fiánne when I change gears, Xav, but don’t expect the same pass yerself.”
“Not again,” Mattie said. “Every time I need a lift, I get a little groping.” He hoped Fiánne would laugh, and not be offended by their constant banter.
He heard a small laugh as she settled the seatbelt around her lap. He wanted to keep her feeling included. He wanted to reach out and touch her hand, actually, but he kept his hands clutched around the cane folded in his lap. It was a handy tool to keep himself from fidgeting, not knowing what to do with his hands. He couldn’t remember what it was he used to do with his hands, other than putting them in his pockets, which was always the easiest thing to do, but not when sitting in a truck.
“So what are you guys planning on doing this weekend?” he asked Fiánne.
“I don’t know. It sort of just happened, so I don’t think we have anything planned. She called me last night and asked me if I wanted to come out.”
“She’s a good kid,” Mattie mused.
“I couldn’t turn it down, it is so beautiful out there. And we do have a good laugh, and I think I need that.”
“Everyone needs a good laugh,” agreed Mattie. “That’s why I hang out with this guy.”
“I never laugh,” said Peter. “I’m dead serious about everything I do; he just finds me funny for some reason.”
“Peter,” informed Mattie, “is possibly the most hilarious person I know. Don’t take anything he says seriously.”
“Okay,” Fiánne said, laughing.
“How Clo puts up with you daily is beyond me,” Mattie told Peter.
“Me, too,” said Peter. “Chloë is my better half,” he told Fiánne.
“Pete got married last spring,” Mattie said. “Maybe you’ll meet her soon, too.” If Amber was bringing Fiánne into the gang, she’d meet all their friends soon enough. The idea pleased Mattie. He wasn’t sure why, because he didn’t even know whether Fiánne would fit in, or if she even wanted to. She no doubt had her own group of friends.
As much as they all hated small talk, the rest of the drive had plenty of it, although Mattie learned one thing about the female beside him, thanks to Peter.
“So, Fiánne is a different name. Is it French? Or Gaelic or something?”
“My grandparents were Irish. I was named for my grandmother Fiona and my great-grandmother, Áine.”
Mattie smiled. “It’s a beautiful name,” he said. “It just kind of rolls out like a gentle breeze.”
“Can you tell he’s a professor of the descriptive word?” Peter leaned forward to see Fiánne, who had dipped her eyes as a smile crossed her mouth.
“Well, in that case, those names mean fair, bright, white, beautiful,” she told him softly. “If you like languages, too.”
“Do you speak Irish?” Mattie asked, curiously.
She shook her head. “No. I just remember my grandmother telling me those words.”
“That’s really nice to know,” he mused. He flicked his head in Peter’s direction. “This guy’s the one who came up with my nickname,” he said. “Now everybody calls me Xav. But it was all Pete.”
“What does it mean?” Fiánne asked.
“I was named after my grandfather, too,” he said. “My middle name is Xavier. He was an awesome guy, so I’m glad to have it, though it wasn’t very cool when kids learned it. I think I was resigned to it by the time I was at university, but as soon as this guy found out, he called me that instead of Matthew. In a week, everyone was calling me Xav. And then he followed me home and got everyone, including my own sister, calling me Xav.”
“That’s funny,” she said.
“I still introduce myself as Matthew,” Mattie said, knowing he was rambling now. “I mean, that’s my name. My workplace calls me Matthew. Or Matt.” Stop talking, Matthew. “My family used to call me Mattie. My mother still does.” Stop talking now, Mattie. Shit, what was he doing?
“That’s cute,” she said. “Your name suits you.”
“Which one?” Mattie asked, a bewildered grin on his face.
“All of them, I suppose,” she said with a chuckle. “Some people have suitable names, but there are some people that, no matter how long you know them, do not fit their name, or their name doesn’t fit them.”
Mattie nodded. “Yeah. That’s true. Maybe those people are the most likely to get nicknames. Like, Pete’s real name is Lombardo, and I don’t think that suits him at all.”
Peter’s mouth turned up on one side as he tried to hide his smile. His friend had lost the conversation and then had saved himself, and was back on his game. Mattie had said this was Amber’s friend, but Peter suspected Mattie still was trying to impress the young woman next to him.
To this, Fiánne said nothing, though she had a suspicious grin on her face when she met Peter’s eyes.
Mattie hadn’t ever noticed the drive home to take so little time before. It was too soon, and Peter was turning into Amber’s driveway. “I’m taking Fiánne straight to Amber’s door, Xav. You can take the field, no special treatment for you because you’re blind.”
Mattie scowled and laughed at the same time. “You’re cruel, Leighny, I’ll give you that.”
Peter gave the horn a toot to summon Amber from her house and Fiánne opened her door.
“I’ll drive you over there, Xav,” Peter said quickly when Mattie started sliding toward the door. “I was kidding.”
“I don’t mind,” Mattie said.
“You sure?”
“Yep. I’ve done that walk a few times.”
Peter laughed. “See you later, Buddy. Give us a shout, yeah?”
“Cheers, Petey,” Mattie said, closing the door.
“Heya!” called Amber, and Mattie turned, smiling toward her as Fiánne greeted her back and walked toward her. The truck rumbled off behind them.
“You guys have fun!” Mattie shouted, and waved. He realised he’d gotten out here because he wanted to keep talking to Fiánne. He’d given himself the option of going into Amber’s house. He realised as soon as the truck pulled out, that it was completely a ridiculous idea, and unbelievably obvious. He needed to get home before he invited himself in and sat himself beside this Fiánne girl and got involved in her story.
“You headed over?” Amber called out. “You can stop over if you want.”
“No, you go do your things you do. Text me later. I have to get changed. I don’t know what I’m doing yet this weekend.” He’d be thinking about Fiánne, wanting to touch her elbow again, remembering the scent of lilies and patchouli and water.
He crossed the driveway and swung his cane, finding the post that marked the path. He slid his hand up the post and took hold of the rope. He was so tempted to go back, but he knew he’d kick himself. It was bad enough already.
Amber smiled at Fiánne, who was still watching Mattie cross the field.
“I guess he really wants to go home,” she said. “I suppose he doesn’t want to stay in a suit.”
Fiánne nodded. “He looks good in a suit,” she mused.
“He cleans up pretty nice,” Amber agreed, not commenting out loud on the love-struck expression on Fiánne’s face and in her words. “Come on in, I have some wine and I’m going to do a stir-fry for us so we can chat while I cut veggies. And drink wine,” she added, with a giggle, and they headed up the steps to Amber’s front door.
Small Mercies Chapter 60, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Mattie tried his hardest not to think about Amber’s friend at all. He had many reasons to not think about her. She was Amber’s friend. She had some crap going on with a fiancé. She had baggage. He had baggage. He wasn’t going there again. He put the meeting out of his mind.
His distraction came as it often did, in the form of Lilla, who was still riding her bike down on nice days. She had continuous updates for Mattie on her Hallowe’en costume and her birthday party, and she kept him busy. She wanted another piano lesson, she wanted him to read her another of his books, she wanted to tell him every new part that had come to be her Sorceress costume. She brought him chocolate chips cookies she’d made with her mother.
He gave her a little silver wire bracelet with a mood stone heart in it for her ninth birthday, and nine dollars. She was thrilled. She wore the heart and told Mattie what colour it was periodically. Mattie had her read him the colour meanings on the card that came with it, revealing the mood that went along with each one. She was excited to wear it to school and show her friends. Mattie had already called her mother to ask her if it would be something the little girl would like. He also didn’t like to give her gifts that her parents didn’t know about. Not that he really needed to worry, the first thing Lilla did when she got home and put her bike away was to run and show her mother.
On the four-year anniversary of the accident that took his sight, Mattie stopped in to visit his mother after work. He brought Chinese food, a bouquet of flowers, and a bottle of wine. Amber and Riley were going to a movie and would pick him up on the way home.
Marion MacTavish opened the door to her son, and smiled seeing him there. He wore a grey suit and a wine-coloured button-down shirt, and a navy vest, and he held out the flowers to her with a dimpled smile, and Marion was filled with love and pride for him.
“Don’t you look handsome,” Marion said, bringing him inside the apartment and taking the flowers and the wine from him. He stopped to take off his shoes, putting the warm paper bag of food on the floor beside him.
“Leave your shoes, Honey, they’re fine.”
Mattie already had one off, and was untying the other. “No, I’m taking them off.” He took the other off and placed them next to the door, at the wall, and stood, picking the paper bag up. He knew his way around his mother’s apartment, and like Amber, she didn’t move furniture without letting him know and showing him. He followed her to the little kitchen, and she took the bag from him.
“How are you, Ma?” he asked, leaning forward until he felt her cheek next to his and he kissed it, feeling her put her arms around him.
“I’m doing okay, Love. How are you doing?” She looked at him as he took off his suit jacket and walked back to the main living area and put it over the back of the overstuffed sofa before he returned to her.
“I’m okay, too,” he said with a smile directed where he thought she was standing. “You want me to open that wine?”
“That would be great, just let me grab the opener. It has a big handle, geriatric-style.”
He shrugged with a grin. “It’s okay, I have geriatric-style stuff, too, you know.” He took the bottle opener from her and explored it under his fingers. His mother’s fingers touched his, showing him how to work it, and he moved to the counter where she’d placed the wine. She slid it directly in front of him and moved to get utensils and wine glasses.
Once seated together in the living room, comfortably, informally, they caught up on their weeks.
Marion had had three shots of cortisone in her hip, and it had done wonders. The other hip felt better because of it, and she’d celebrated by going to Harps Gardens with her friends.
“I got lots of beautiful pictures of flowers, so much colour, Mattie. I wish I could show them to you.”
He smiled. “It’s okay, Mum. I guess I don’t miss looking at flower photo albums anyway.”
“True,” she said, a chuckle in her word.
“I’m glad you went, though. I heard they have a tactile garden.”
“Yes, I wanted to tell you that. They have a square of raised beds filled with plants and flowers that either have interesting leaves or blossoms to touch, like Lamb’s Ear, or have strong scents, and they have everything labelled in front of each plant with Braille plaques. I thought of you, I thought how wonderful it is to have information and inclusion at places like that. And I may have taken photos of the plaques, because for one second I thought I could show you how they made these things you could read. Isn’t that dumb? I remembered and forgot all in the same moment.”
“No, I do that, too. So does Amber, and Pete. I think that’s probably a good thing. I means we all know but forget about it except subconsciously, right?”
“So very true. And it is good, Mattie. It’s good.”
Mattie smiled at her. “Sometimes it feels like seeing was a dream. I forget that I could see for so many years. It’s been so long now. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. You know, I wake up in the morning sometimes, and I remember my dreams, the colours, the images... and it feels so close. And I can remember them all morning, and I feel like I got to see for a moment just to remind me, but then, by around two o’clock, it all fades again and I have a hard time conjuring them up. I think my brain is too exhausted with the other sensory input and trying to sort all that out that it can’t keep those images in there long. I mean, no-one can, right? I know that memory doesn’t really do well with visual-imagery without refreshing. And since I can’t refresh my visual memories, they just fade out fast, and it all goes back to dark in here.”
“I wish you could keep the colours,” his mother said.
“It’s okay. I can still remember colours; I can picture them when I try. I think.” He stopped. “Wouldn’t it be weird if what I thought were still the same colours had changed so much in my head that if you saw what I imagine as a certain colour to be you’d know I was way off after four years?”
His mother thought on that. “Well,” she said objectionably. “That could be true. But if it works in your reality, then who cares?”
Mattie chuckled, reaching for his wine from the table in front of him. “Touché, Ma-ma.”
“So, how is work?” Marion opened the paper bag and brought out the Styrofoam packages, sorting them and putting Mattie’s in front of him on the coffee table. She handed him napkins and a fork.
“It’s good. It always takes a bit to connect to the students... especially now. But I think once I do, it’s actually a better connection. I really didn’t know if any of the ways I use to teach would work when I started this all over again. I was making it all up as I went. But they seem to get more out of it, somehow.”
“That’s why you’re the one with the tenure, Matt. You’re always teaching and always learning and nothing gets stale. It’s different. You interact more. It gives them something new and different, and that gets their attention.”
“I dunno, but it’s working,” Mattie said, finding the two containers in front of him and getting himself situated.
“Have you had any more trouble from that ass-hole professor?” she asked him.
“Mum!” he said, agape. “He’s a distinguished and esteemed member of the college, you know.”
“He’s an idiot.”
Mattie couldn’t help the smile that broke out across his face and he laughed. “Well, he hasn’t made any effort to acknowledge me at all this year, and I’m completely fine with that.”
“Good,” she said. “Do you want any of my rice?”
Mattie shook his head. “I have enough here,” he said. “Is there anything of mine you want to try?”
He held the containers while she took a couple of forkfuls of his chow mein to try and he continued. “I’m hoping he just realises that we both teach there, and we both have our own niche, and we don’t have to have any issues because there’s no reason for it.”
“Unless you both have a chance for the dean’s chair,” his mother stated.
Mattie’s fork stopped mid-air. “Dean’s chair? No, Mum, I’m not going to be up for that. I’m too young and too... there’s too much against me for that.”
“Maybe not tomorrow,” his mother told him. “But the dean will retire one day. And you are already tenured. And this professor must think that you have a chance, too, or he wouldn’t be bothered. He’s seniority. You’ve won the favour of the dean. He thinks you’ll get a pity vote, but you’ve already proved that wrong, it’s a vote for your competence at your job. He’s worried, Mattie, that his future isn’t so set in stone as he thought it was.”
“Well. I’m not looking to take his job away,” Mattie said. “I’m happy where I am. I like teaching. And I have more time to write and read at this job.”
Marion smiled at her son. “I know,” she said. “And if that’s where you’re happy, then you enjoy it, Sweetie. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
Mattie blushed, and he let the compliment sit without making light with a joke.
“You know, Matthew, I used to wonder, after the accident, how your life would have been if it hadn’t happened. I thought about it too much. It made me feel so sad for all the losses. But I’ve stopped thinking that way, because... that life was never yours to have. I see that now, looking back. I don’t think you would have ever been content.”
Mattie frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You thought were going to be married to Karen. That wouldn’t have made you happy in the end. She and you weren’t that much alike. It just never seemed right to me, but I knew it wasn’t my place to say anything to you. I didn’t see any sparks there that should have been obvious to me. You always needed more, you needed challenges. That’s why we moved you ahead in school. If you had sat in that class, bored, you wouldn’t have worked as hard. But putting you with people who were a bit further gave you the challenge to work harder. You didn’t get bored and give up. The more challenges in your way, the better you did, and the more success you had. And you were excited about those things, you know. You used to come home from school with all these new things you were learning, and they let you read the books from the older kids’ novels, and the more words and the more ideas you could take in, the more you wanted. I always thought that if you were settled down that quickly with Karen... you’d lose your inquisitive nature. You might have just settled and lived a quiet life with work and home and had no challenges or adventure. Take the kids to Disney when they’re seven. The usual... and it wasn’t ever for you, Matthew. You’d have become stagnant. I bet if you were in that life, there would have been no wall climbing, would there?” Mattie shook his head and his mother continued. “Or kayaking, or... what do you call that other thing that you and Amber did? Zip-lining, that’s it. Do you think that would have been done, you and Karen would do that?”
Again, Mattie shook his head.
“And you’re in a band, Matt, how cool is that? Would you be doing that now if you were in that old life, with Karen and a kid or two?”
Mattie shrugged and shook his head. “No, probably not. I kind of had let the piano practising go by the wayside before.”
“You’ve found a whole set of new challenges,” Marion said. “You’re not going to sit contentedly until you meet them. And while I would never ever say that your accident was a good thing, or that you losing your sight was the best thing to happen... it’s not, Hun. But it’s given your life something much more than you ever would have had before. It didn’t just take away things.”
Mattie nodded. “I know, Mum.”
“I’m so glad you’re living your life so well, I’m so glad you’ve become comfortable with yourself and content with your life.”
Mattie smiled, but it wasn’t as broad. “I am, Mum, but... it gets lonely. I mean, everyone around me is partnered up and I’m alone. I don’t think it’s going to happen for me, but I hate being left behind when everyone else is moving into that life.”
Marion looked at her son, his hand sneaking into the container of Chinese vegetables to feel if there was anything left, and then he scraped the last of the chow mein up with his fork.
“We’ve talked about this before. And I think you are mistaken that you will end up alone. I think it’s going to surprise you when it happens, but don’t close yourself off to it, Matt. Be open to the notion of love again. I know you’ve been hurt too many times, but don’t scar up that heart. It needs to be open for that special person when she comes.”
He sighed. “I’ll try,” he said.
“As long as you’re alive, Mattie, there is all the possibility in the world. You’ve already accomplished things others would give up on. So don’t you give up on that.”
He nodded. “Okay. I promise.”
“Good. I love you, Mattie. You listen to your mother.”
Mattie’s smile grew. He put one empty container on the table and leaned over to find his mother’s shoulder. She reached up as he leaned in and they embraced.
“This day could be a bad anniversary,” she told him, “but for me, it’s a gift, because you were given back to me instead of taken. I told people that, when the shock of everything had calmed down. People heard about you, and they told me how sorry they were, and it felt like...” His mother stopped. It had felt like they were sorry he had lived to be blind. “I wasn’t sorry. I told them they didn’t have to say they were sorry. That you are the best gift I ever received, and you were given to me twice. How lucky must I be?”
She put her hand to her son’s cheek, her eyes full of love for him.
Her words touched him. He reached up and put his hand over hers. “They say the same things to me. I feel sometimes like they think it would have been better for me if I’d not made it.”
“You don’t think that, though, do you?”
Mattie shook his head immediately. He didn’t need a moment to ponder it.
“Good,” Marion said, her hand still on his cheek, pressed under his palm. “Don’t you ever believe you would have been better off not coming back from that.”
Mattie pulled her hand to his lips and kissed the back of it, nodding to her. “I have moments where it creeps up on me. But I don’t feel like that much these days. Not like I used to.”
“Good,” Marion said again. “And everyone has those days, Sweetie. For different reasons.”
Mattie nearly met her gaze. “I know, Mum,” he said, knowing she had her own days to bear.
She patted his hand. “Now. We still have plenty of time before Amber and Riley stop in. What would you like to do?”
“I should have brought a deck of cards, we could have played.”
“I have cards,” she replied quickly, and then stopped. “No, wait, I don’t. They won’t do.”
“Just printed?” Mattie said with a little smile.
“Yup, just printed. Sorry, Hun.”
“It’s okay. I’ll get you a pack that we can both use for next time.”
“Yes, please do.”
“Can I get you anything? More wine? Tea?”
“I’m perfect right now,” she said. “Just perfect.”
Mattie switched topics, leaning back against the thick cushion of the sofa. “What do you think of Amber’s beau?”
His mother nodded, a smile fresh on her face. “I like him. I really like him. I don’t want to jinx it, but... he seriously could be the one. What do you think?”
Mattie nodded as well, agreeing with her. “Yeah,” he said. “I didn’t want to like him as much as I do. I don’t know why. Maybe because I still like Craig. I still talk to him now. Or maybe it was because I didn’t want everyone around me to be in relationships. But I can’t help it. He’s a really nice guy, and he genuinely likes her. And she’s a mess for him, too. He’s successful and likes what he does. I guess I’m happy for her.” He grinned after he said that and he heard his mother laugh.
“Be happy for your sister,” she admonished him. “She deserves to be happy, she’s been through enough.”
“I know,” Mattie said. “I am.”
His mother couldn’t help but reach up and touch a curl of hair that stood up on the top of his head. “Your time’s coming, too,” she told him.
“Leaves are all turned now,” Amber told Mattie as they walked behind their house along the old road. They’d been both feeling housebound because it had gotten cold quickly, but the sun was out and Amber suggested they get some fresh air before the rain came. “They’ll probably come down with the rain.”
“I’ll miss them again this year, then,” Mattie said, and Amber rolled her eyes, but didn’t answer. He liked to be a bit absurd.
“Your maple tree looks pretty spectacular,” Amber informed him.
“The one out front? Yeah, it always puts on a show, doesn’t it?”
Amber scanned the trees along the edge of the wood line, wishing for the millionth time she could let him see them just for a moment.
“Ry has to go to Halifax this week so he’s taking me to Montréal next weekend, did I tell you that?” Amber asked him.
“No. You mentioned something about Halifax but not about going away. Good for you.”
“It’s just for a weekend.”
“What, are you asking my permission? You’re a grown-up. Have fun.”
“I know. I wasn’t. Did you get your fireplace and wood furnace cleaned?” Amber deflected. She worried about him when she went away, and she knew that he wouldn’t like that one bit.
“Yup, had the fire department do it a couple of weeks ago. All safe and sound. Can you see the smoke?”
Amber nodded, seeing a trail of smoke coming from the chimney of the house ahead. “I can smell it, too. You’re not the only one with super-smell.”
“Well, it’s not that far away,” Mattie said. “But, still good. You’re paying attention.”
“Are you getting a pumpkin for Hallowe’en this year? That was fun last year.”
Mattie nodded, remembering the feel of the pumpkin guts, the smell that reminded him of childhood Hallowe’ens, the time together with his sister. “Yeah, it was fun. But you’ll be doing yours with Riley, won’t you?”
“Well, I can do both,” she replied. “Or maybe we could have a big pumpkin party.”
“Any excuse for a party,” Mattie said.
“Well, I don’t mean party when I say party. You know I just like my gang together.”
“I thought it was my gang,” Mattie said.
“I bet Peter thinks it’s his gang,” Amber said, and Mattie laughed.
They reached the house and Mattie invited his sister in, but she had chores to finish up. Her man would be over later and she didn’t want the house to look like a complete tip.
“You think he’d live there?” Mattie asked her before she left.
Amber shrugged. “He seems to like the house. He seems to like the country. I don’t know how he feels about the commute to work, though. I don’t know. I haven’t been brave enough to ask him.”
“But you want a future with him,” Mattie stated.
“Yes. I... I think so.”
“You should probably find out,” Mattie told her.
She sighed. “I know.”
He smiled at her. “How could he not love it here?” he said. “You might be surprised.”
Amber reached out and touched his arm before turning to go.
“That’s getting nasty out,” Amber said, letting Fiánne through her doorway before pushing the door shut against the wind and rain. She shook her hair and undid the buttons on her coat. Fiánne did the same, and they kicked off their shoes.
She had gone to town in the afternoon for groceries, and she’d arranged to pick Fiánne up after her workday. She’d driven Fiánne to her little apartment close by, and went in to wait for her new friend to get her stuff to come out for the weekend.
The weather forecast had them making plans to drink wine and watch funny movies all night, and both were cheerful, though the drive out had been miserable, to say the least.
“Are you damp? Do you want to change into something else?”
“I’m okay,” Fiánne replied.
“Well, I’m starving, and I can’t wait to eat. I made lasagne and I just have to heat it up. Sticks to the ribs. It’s spinach, not meat, I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s my favourite,” Fiánne answered with a smile.
“Well, get your bib on, it’s gonna be worth it,” Amber teased her. She turned on the television in the living room before they headed to the kitchen to put the lasagne in the oven. “You can just chill, it’s not gonna take much, we just have to wait. We can have some wine and get our movies ready.”
They had finished their glass of wine when the lasagne was ready, and Amber poured them each another and served up their plates, and they headed back to the living room. Amber had blankets they could pull around them, and they were warm from the wine and the lasagne. Amber had turned up the heat; unlike Mattie’s, her place had been fitted with electric baseboards, and so the woodstove was only used in the winter months to counteract the draughts.
Fiánne took another sip of wine. “I feel stupid not realising that that was your brother that was blind,” she admitted. “I’m really sorry.”
Amber grinned at her. “He was quite pleased,” she told the younger woman.
“Really?” she said. “I just totally assumed he was your other brother. I should never assume anything, I end up embarrassing everyone.”
“Well, it’s not like either one of us gave you many clues. He doesn’t come across as blind in his own home, for sure.”
Fiánne nodded, but said nothing.
“I should have said, though. I really didn’t even think about it going that way. Anyway, he was complimented, don’t worry.”
Fiánne returned Amber’s smile, feeling a little better. She’d been feeling stupid about the whole thing since it had happened, but she knew it was probably being blown up in her own mind and the actual conversation hadn’t been so bad after all.
“He’s very nice,” Fiánne said. “You’re both nice.” She grinned at Amber and Amber smiled back. “Thanks for inviting me out here again,” she added.
“Hey, anytime. It’s fun.”
Amber had learned that Fiánne was a full nine years younger than she, and though the girl’s appearance was youthful enough, her soul and her eyes seemed so much older. Her sombre character added to the notion that she was much older. She seemed to be comfortable and capable of talking about any subject, and while she hadn’t been to university or college, she had read enough on all sorts of topics that she had an understanding of anything Amber mentioned. She liked to learn things on her own, she told Amber, who nodded, understanding. Amber knew all about people like that, having been the older sister to one in particular. They weren’t content to just sit and let things wash over them. They needed to learn why and how and where it all started.
It was all well and good, Amber thought, but this girl needed to laugh. She needed to be away from that deep mind of hers, and out from whatever fear or mistrust she was holding onto. And Amber, being the kind of person who liked to look after people whether they needed it or not, could not let this girl sit in her apartment, alone, afraid, and with no-one to share her thoughts on all the things she had read.
The wine loosened Fiánne a little, and Amber discovered the girl had a very quick and sarcastic wit, and an infectious laugh. Amber liked her more and more. She had thought Fiánne was quiet, maybe a bit intimidated or a follower, but she realised that assessment had also been wrong. She could tell just by the way the younger woman dressed, that she had a mind of her own, and it was creative, original, and unique. Fiánne liked layers, she liked ruffles, wool, plaids, and stripes. She liked chiffon skirts with knee-high lace-up boots. She had her own style, and Amber loved it, wishing she were more adventurous in her own dress. She felt envious of Fiánne’s lean, languid body, and her long, honey brown waves that fell to her waist, and she felt frumpy and dumpy beside her.
The first movie done, they loaded in a second, and Amber went to get another wine bottle. The wind was rattling at the windows in gusts and she could see the tree near the kitchen window waving and trembling. She saw leaves blowing across the deck from the porch light, and she imagined what the wind had done to the trees and their show of colours.
She returned to the living room after opening the wine. “Need anything?” Amber asked.
“I’m just going to use your bathroom,” Fiánne said, getting up, letting the blanket drop back to the chesterfield. “Don’t hit play yet.”
“I won’t. No worries.” She put the wine on the table and went back to the kitchen for the package of gummi bears she’d brought home. The lights flickered and held. She looked at them, as if to warn them not to go out, and continued back to the living room, where Fiánne had just returned.
“Okay,” said Amber. “We have candy, wine, and blankets. I’d say we are ready for the next show.”
She hit play on the remote, and the house went dark.
“Shit,” said Amber. “I think I turned the power off the whole place.”
“Uh oh,” said Fiánne. “Now what?”
“I guess a tree blew onto a power line or something. It flickered when you were in the bathroom and I worried that it might... Well, crap, now how can we watch our movie?” She sat for a minute in the dark, waiting to see if the power came back on, but nothing happened.
“Well... the electric heat isn’t going to work. My lights aren’t going to work. My TV isn’t going to work. The wine works, but sitting here in the cold isn’t fun. Crap. I’m sorry, Fee.”
“It’s not your fault,” Fiánne said. “Besides, if I was at home, I’d be sitting alone the same way. This way, I have company.”
“And wine.”
“Yes, and wine,” Fiánne giggled.
Amber stood up. “Well, I guess I should find us a flashlight and some candles.” She glanced out the dark window.
“I have a better idea,” she said, turning back to Fiánne. “I’m going to get a couple of flashlights. Come with me, and then get the blankets and your stuff and the wine.”
“What are we doing?” Fiánne asked.
Amber pulled two flashlights out of a drawer in the hallway, and gave one to Fiánne. She went to the kitchen and picked up the phone, hitting the speed-dial for her brother.
It didn’t take him long to answer. Unlike her, he didn’t have to figure out how to get to the phone in the dark.
“Hey, Xav, power out?”
“Yup. You?”
“Yup.”
“So you’re in the dark, huh?” Mattie said, and Amber could hear the grin in his words.
“Yep. And it’s cold and creaky and noisy and dark and we have gummi bears.”
“So... I take it you want to come over.”
“Can we?”
“We?”
“Fiánne’s here.”
“Oh. Uh, well, yeah, of course. Can’t have you guys freezing over there in the dark. Told’ja you should have cleaned that chimney before now.”
“Yeah, well, all well and good now, isn’t it,” Amber said.
“Why aren’t you here yet?” Mattie asked. “Stop talking and get walking.”
Amber snorted. “Good bye,” she said, hanging up, and heading back to the living room.
“Sorted,” she said.
“What’s up?” Fiánne asked, getting the blankets.
“Xav will look after us. He’s much better in the dark than we are, and he has wood fire. We can have heat and tea and he can read to us in the dark. Or we can play a game, he has Braille games. I’ll take some candles, but I think there are some over there. That way, at least we can see the game, since I don’t know Braille without a guide, and I’m pretty sure you don’t.”
“Nope. I don’t,” Fiánne said.
“Is it okay? You don’t mind going over there, do you?”
Fiánne shook her head. She didn’t mind at all. As long as she didn’t say anything else that would make the MacTavishes think she was stupid.
“I think he wants company, too. It’ll be far too quiet to him. I think I’ll take my pjs, too. Who knows when the power will be back on, it could be hours. It’ll be way warmer over there. We can hunker down in the house you like so much.”
Fiánne was glad it was dark and Amber couldn’t see her blush. It wasn’t the house that was giving her butterflies in her stomach.
They pulled their coats and hoods up and tied them snugly against the weather. They threw the bags over their shoulders and each of them took a blanket, which Amber put in garbage bags to keep dry. Amber grabbed the wine bottle and they readied themselves at the door. Amber opened it and Fiánne pushed past her into the wind. Amber pulled the door securely behind them and headed down the steps, feeling the push and pull of the wind. They were hit with sheets of cold rain as they headed across the field towards the dark shape of Mattie’s house.
Fiánne followed Amber to the back porch, and Amber knocked twice and opened the door. Mattie was there, greeting them, taking their coats.
“You didn’t need to bring blankets,” Mattie said. “I have plenty.”
“Well, we were snuggled in these ones watching movies. And we brought wine.”
Mattie grinned. “Well, I guess we don’t want to let that go to waste. It’s really raining out there, you guys are soaked.”
“I think I’ll change now,” Amber said. “We brought our jammies, I knew we’d get wet crossing the field. You want to change, too, Fee?”
Fiánne nodded, and followed Amber with her bag and her flashlight, and Mattie got down wine glasses and took the blankets into the living room. He had brought wood upstairs for the little wood stove in the kitchen. When he had had the wood furnace installed years ago, he’d had the little kitchen stove cleaned and refitted and he used it on the coldest days to heat the kitchen which was mostly separate from the main house. When the power went out, this stove doubled as a place to heat water for tea, soup, washing, or boiling. He’d already lit it when the weather started getting worse, and he turned the damper down, keeping the fire small. Now, Amber could start a fire in the fireplace in the living room if she wanted. It would give light and warmth and the comfortable sound of snapping and crackling.
He had candles somewhere. He remembered he and Amber finding them and putting them away for emergencies. Mattie had said the only emergency he’d need them for would be if he needed something to burn the house down for some reason. She told him there might be a romantic emergency some day, and put the candles into a box. Maybe it was in the kitchen, Mattie thought, trying to remember.
When the girls came back from changing, which Mattie teased them about, saying he wasn’t going to watch anyway, he had the living room ready for them, blankets, wine, glasses, and he’d found his lighter, which would light the candles Amber would have to find. He welcomed the voices that filled the air around him. The house had gone so suddenly quiet, and the outside had come in to him. Now, the wind and the trees and the rain were all back outside the walls, which weren’t so audibly sighing anymore, at least not to Mattie.
He set Amber to finding the candles, which she seemed to think were indeed in the kitchen, in a cupboard above the refrigerator or maybe in the corner one.
He turned back to Fiánne. “Come in, sit, make yourself at home.”
“Thanks for having us crash over here,” Fiánne said, following the beam from her flashlight to his chesterfield.
“No problem, I’m glad you guys came over. Amber would have shown up anyway, and if I hadn’t answered the phone, she would have just come.” He chuckled, putting her at ease.
“It’s nice and warm and dry in here,” she said. “This house is so nice. I like how it has the kitchen on the back. You’re lucky to have the wood stove and fireplace.”
“It’s pretty old, but it’s so comfortable,” Mattie said. “Yeah, you can tell this house was built in parts. That kitchen keeps the house from getting hot in the summer, or at least it did in the old days, and in the winter, for extra heat, I light that stove and keep that door open and the heat just flows in here, because the ceiling is higher and it’s a step up. They were practical in so many ways.”
“I love a place with history,” Fiánne said, still peering around the room with her flashlight.
“This place was sort of added onto over time, but not as much as one down the road,” Mattie said. “I remember going into that as a kid. You’d go into a room, and then further through another doorway into another room, and then off to the far right there was another doorway, and then you could go right up stairs, or left to another room, maybe a sun room. And if you went up the stairs, then you followed this narrow walk around the open staircase and through this door that took you back into the main house, and you could totally tell when you went through that it was a different house you were going into. It was a step and everything. And then in another part, you walked through what seemed like a long closet and came out in another section.”
“Is it still there?” Fiánne asked.
“Yeah, some of the family came back, grandkids, and one got married and they moved in and fixed it up a lot and now they have their family there. They may have redone some of the interior, I’m not sure,” Mattie said.
“Wow, that sounds so very neat,” Fiánne said.
“Found them!” called Amber, and they heard her slide a chair across the floor and then her footsteps returning from the kitchen.
“Oh, good,” Mattie said, smiling. “At least now you’ll be able to see.”
“Yup,” Amber said. “Got four pillar candles and three big votive jar candles. Got a lighter?”
“Yeah, here,” Mattie held out the lighter he’d brought in earlier, and she took it and he heard the flick of the flint each time she lit a candle. She spread them around the room, and turned off the flashlight. Fiánne turned hers off, too.
“So, if you want to build a fire, Am, I brought wood up for the stove. I’ve just been keeping it small, because of the draught, but it’s so damp, and the flue’s clean, so there’s really not much risk. Just turn the damper down. You want me to bring in the wood? Here, I’ll bring you some and a bit of kindling. Is there any paper? I’ll see if I can find a chunk of peeled birch.”
Amber looked over at Fiánne in the gentle, flickering light of the candles. With the fireplace, the room would be pleasantly lit and cosy.
“I’ll find some paper. It’ll be a lovely little fire,” Amber said, and they both set to work on building the lovely little fire.
When they were done, they washed their hands and returned to the living room. The girls took the chesterfield and Mattie sat in the stuffed armchair closest to Amber, listening to them get themselves under blankets and comfortable. Fiánne remembered the gummi bears and passed the packet to Amber.
Amber leaned forward to the coffee table and poured the wine. She slid Fiánne’s glass over to her, and directed Mattie to his on the end of the coffee table. She leaned back, sipping from her own, watching the flames snapping over the wood in the fireplace.
“This is almost perfect,” she said. “Well, except Riley should be here. But we have food and wine and heat, and even light. Too bad we don’t have any music.” She looked around, and turned around to see the piano. “Oh, Xa-av!” she sang. “Xaa-av!”
“No, Amber.” He knew exactly what she was aiming at.
“We could have music,” she said sweetly.
“Nope.”
Fiánne turned around to see what had given Amber fuel to tease her brother and spotted the upright piano.
“You play the piano?” she asked, looking back at Mattie.
“He’s in a band,” Amber boasted, a smile on her lips.
“You’re in a band? That’s so fantastic!” said Fiánne, obviously impressed. “What kind of music do you usually perform?”
“Well, I used to only play classical, but lately, it’s a lot of alternative rock,” Mattie said. “With undertones of jazz, blues, folk, and stomping feet.”
“They’re really awesome,” Amber said. “They do charity concerts for the university and local organisations.”
Fiánne looked at Mattie with interest. “And you’re their piano man?”
“I am their piano man,” he concurred, smiling shyly, leaning forward to find his wine glass.
“I love music,” Fiánne told them. “I like classical, too. I wanted to be a dancer. When I was little, I mean.”
“A dancer?” Amber asked. “Like, Fly Girl? Or ballerina?”
Fiánne laughed. “Well, I like to dance to any style, but I wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to be like the famous Russian ballerinas in my dreams.”
“Did you ever take lessons?” Amber asked.
“I watched ballets on Sunday afternoon television. Those arts programmes. I tried to learn some steps and I had a really good book with pictures of classic poses. When I was at my foster home, they got me into a local studio that didn’t cost too much. It wasn’t really prestigious, for sure, but it was once a week and it at least gave me the routines and stuff. Plus, I got to have ballet shoes. Not toe-shoes, but still... they looked pretty.”
Amber smiled at her. “That’s so nice that they were able to let you take some classes,” she said. She turned to her brother. “She looks like a ballerina, Xav, long and lean. Definitely can picture her as a dancer.”
“They were good people. All of them.” Fiánne said, knowing that Amber’s description wasn’t meant to be anything but a visual for Mattie.
“That’s wonderful. I’m glad you had them.”
“Yeah,” Fiánne said. “One of the other foster kids, she was there for longer than me, she is really like my sister. She was a year older than me, and she’s really strong and bold, so she stuck up for me, looked out for me. We’re still close, though she lives in Moncton now.”
“What’s her name?” Amber asked.
“Krista.”
“Do you have any blood siblings?” Amber didn’t want to make Fiánne uncomfortable, but the other woman didn’t give off the feeling she wanted to hide right now.
She shook her head. “No, I’m an only child. Thank goodness.”
“Thank goodness? Why? You wouldn’t want a brother or sister?”
“Oh, yeah, I would. But they wouldn’t have had a good time of it, either. This spared them from it.”
“It was bad, huh?” Amber said.
“Yeah,” said Fiánne. “Not a time I’d recommend for anyone.”
“Did you have both parents at home?” Amber asked.
“No. I had my mother. For a while I had my grandmother. She was a good person. She tried to help me out but then she got sick and died and so I was stuck with just my mother. She drank a lot. She was, is, an angry woman. She was angry at my father, who dumped her when she got pregnant, she was jealous of her friends who went on to university, and she was angry and jealous and resentful of me. She wanted me to be ugly, she wanted me to be stupid, she didn’t want me to do better than she ever could. And all she did was drink and insult me.”
“Oh, Fee,” said Amber, leaning forward to put her hand on Fiánne’s arm. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Fiánne said, shrugging, giving Amber a weak smile. “I try to keep myself separate from her now. Nothing I could ever do would be right. She was too happy to have me looked after by my ex, kept in check by him. She wanted nothing more to do with looking out for me, so she thought he was doing her a favour. She pretty much called me a write-off when she found out I’d left him. She’d rather he abused me then to have me back around. She said he made good money and that if I wasn’t so contrary, I’d live an easy life with him.”
“And he abused you?” Amber asked.
“He just picked up where she left off, once he knew I was under his control. Which I never had intended, but he came in like such a hero, telling me wonderful things, buying me stuff, making it sound like a great escape from the witch... and it wasn’t at all. It might have even been worse, because I knew it wouldn’t have an end. So I made one.”
“When did you leave him?”
“Six months ago. I was with him for nine years. Nine years of him making me feel like I was a horrible person and then winning me back with gifts and soft words and kindness. Before the cruelty came back. I was so dumb, going back.”
“No,” Amber said. “It’s not dumb. It’s hope and it’s a gentle and forgiving soul. Lots of people fall into that place and can’t get out. And you did get out, so good for you!”
“I left a note saying I was done. That was it. I never told him where I was living. And where I’m working. And we don’t have similar friends or go to the same places, so I never ran into him. I’ve done all my correspondence by email and text. It’s at least documented this way. I don’t know what he’d do if he knew where I live. But it’s better now.”
“But you’re always looking over your shoulder,” Amber said. “That’s not a good way to be all the time, either.”
“I know,” Fiánne said. “But it’s better than it was.” She smiled a little at Amber again. “It’s okay now. I’m on my own and making my own way. And I have new friends.”
“Yes, you do,” Amber said, glancing at Mattie, who sat listening, his expression filled with compassion and concern. He smiled, hearing Amber say that. He wanted Fiánne to have support from good people, because her life until now had known so few. He had grown up with so many good people, that even in the hard times, he still had love and support around him always. He couldn’t imagine feeling as alone as Fiánne had been.
“You’re not alone now, Kiddo,” Amber said to Fiánne. “You’ve got us on your side, whenever you need us. Okay?”
Fiánne nodded. “You guys are awesome,” she said. “And I’m sorry for going on and on about unhappy things. We don’t have to talk about me.”
“I asked,” Amber reminded her. “I want to know you, and I’m glad when you tell me about yourself, even if it’s hard stuff.”
“Thanks,” Fiánne said, picking up the packet of gummi bears.
“More wine?” Amber asked her. “Xav?”
“I’m okay for now,” Fiánne said.
“Me, too,” Mattie said. “You go ahead, A.”
“Hmm,” Amber said, looking at the contents of the bottle. “Maybe you can roll us a puff, Xav,” she said, looking at Fiánne. “That would be nice right now.”
“How do you know I have any?” Mattie said.
“I’m raising my eyebrow at you with a disbelieving expression,” Amber said, and Fiánne laughed.
Mattie turned to Fiánne at the far end of the chesterfield. “Is she?” he asked with a slight grin.
Fiánne leaned out and Amber turned, keeping the expression on her face so Fiánne could see her.
“Yes, she is,” she told Mattie.
“All right, you got me.” He pulled himself upright in the chair, having been slumped down in it comfortably, slightly sideways, with his legs stretched out and crossed in front of him. He took a breath and cleared his throat and stood. “Do you even know if your new friend smokes the stuff?”
“I have,” said Fiánne. “I used to with Krista. But if my ex knew, he’d have had something to say about it. He thought it was for lowlifes and stupid people. He said no-one with a future would smoke it.”
“Did he hear about Paul McCartney or Bob Dylan? Or Bill Clinton or Seth Rogan?” Mattie shook his head. “It’s nothing more than a glass of wine, and probably much less. Not that I’m pressuring anyone, Fiánne. If you don’t, that’s fine, too.”
“I’d like to smoke one for my ex,” Fiánne said, with a wicked smile on her lips.
“Done,” said Mattie, turning and walking behind the chesterfield, following the back with his fingertips. He went out the doorway to the living room and took a right in the hall towards his office. Reaching his desk, he pulled the second drawer and took out a carved wooden box, carrying it back to the living room.
Fiánne watched him come back in, his line straight along the open floor. He slowed near the coffee table and reached down until his fingers graced the edge of it, and then he continued on to his chair. He normally didn’t need to check the table, but the wine had given his bearings a little bit of blur.
He set the box on the coffee table in front of him, and opened it, taking out the contents.
“He’s so organised,” Amber said. “You wanna see a blind guy roll a joint so perfect it could be a manufactured cigarette?”
Fiánne glanced at Mattie, and then looked at Amber, a smile creeping to her lips. “I do,” she said.
“I am pretty gifted at it, if I say so myself,” Mattie joked.
“I definitely need to watch this,” Fiánne said, leaning forward, her comfort level increasing.
Mattie took out the roller and the grinder and all the little bits he needed to roll the perfect joint. Amber and Fiánne watched him as he worked, all his seeing done through his hands. It didn’t take him long, but by the time he was done, he was bent over it as if all his focus was from his eyes, as if he’d forgotten that he wasn’t actually using them.
The girls laughed as he held up the finished joint.
“Even with a filter,” Amber said. “Look at that. I feel weirdly proud of this skill, Bro, but it isn’t really something I can boast about for you.”
Mattie gave a half-shrug, as if he was resigned to his talents going unsung, and then he laughed. “You don’t need to boast,” he told her. “You just need to smoke. Got the lighter?”
Amber reached down, picking the lighter off the table and putting it into his outstretched hand. He effortlessly lit the joint and blew out the flame in one go, taking a drag, and then leaned forward to Amber.
“You haven’t smoked any for a while,” Mattie said to her as she took it from him.
“I know,” Amber said. “I’m not bad like you are.”
“I’m not bad,” Mattie said. “It’s medicinal.”
“Yeah, it’s medicinal all right,” she returned, taking a puff. “He’s lying,” she told Fiánne. “Although at one time, we could have said that, Xav.”
“Yeah.” He laughed when Amber coughed on the smoke. “Can’t handle it?”
“I can handle it,” she said, defensively. “I’m not some rookie.” She coughed again, trying to hold it in, and passed the joint to Fiánne.
Fiánne took a series of small puffs and didn’t choke. A tiny grin appeared on Mattie’s face, but he said nothing.
“Um,” said Fiánne. “Do you...?” She looked at Amber. “You want to...?”
“Xav?” Amber said. “Joint coming.” She took the spliff from Fiánne and turned to Mattie as he leaned forward and held up his hand.
Fiánne watched as Mattie easily reached up, finding Amber’s wrist, following it up to her thumb and fingers. She held the joint upright, lighted end up, and he took it from her fingers in a quick move that Fiánne almost couldn’t see.
“Not as hard as you’d expect,” Amber said, winking at Fiánne.
After the third pass to Fiánne, Amber jumped up. “I’m just gonna go put the kettle on the stove, Xav. I’ll chuck some wood in it while I’m there, okay?”
Mattie nodded. “Yeah. Oh, there’s hot chocolate in the cupboard, too, if you guys want some.”
Fiánne inhaled the smoke and nodded when Amber looked at her questionably.
There was still a good amount of the joint left, and Fiánne looked over at Mattie. She stood up, moving around the table to him.
“You want some more of this joint?” she asked him.
He sat up. “Oh! Yeah, sure.” He held out his fingers. “Just hold it with the cherry up, and bump my hand so I can find it.”
Fiánne didn’t want to burn him, but Amber had made it look simple, so she did as he told her and in three seconds, the joint was back in his hand. She moved back to Amber’s spot, closer to him and the joint, feeling a small tingle on the back of her hand where his fingers had glided over her skin.
“You like this stuff?” he asked. “It’s local. And by local I do not mean I grew it. But it was grown around here.”
“Really? It’s really good.” She eyed him. “Did you really have it medicinally? That’s a score, I’ve heard, not easy to get.”
“I didn’t have it medicinally,” Mattie admitted. “Not legally, anyway. But I had it for medicinal purposes at one time.”
“Were you sick?”
“No, I was in an accident.”
“Oh.”
“A car accident,” Mattie elaborated, not knowing why he’d even brought it up.
“Oh, no. Really?”
“You didn’t know?”
“No. I mean, Amber never said.”
“Oh.” He wondered how Amber had explained his blindness to Fiánne, but then remembered she hadn’t. “Well, I was. I was hurt pretty badly. Peter and Amber got me some weed when I was recovering, to get over the pain without so many meds.”
“That’s... I’m glad they could do that for you. Who was driving?” she asked.
“Who was driving? The other car?”
“No, the car you were in.”
Shit. Amber hadn’t even told her this, either. “The other car was driven by an intoxicated young man. A very intoxicated driver. The car I was in was driven by me.”
“You...? You... drove a car?”
She didn’t sound sorry or uncomfortable, just confused.
So Mattie smiled. “I drove a car. I drove for a long time.”
Sorry that happened. Okay now. It was a horrible thing at the time. But he was okay now. And she saw that. No-one ever saw that at first, it took them a while after getting to know it that it was okay. She saw he was okay, and went backwards to meet the time that he wasn’t.
It also showed him that Fiánne had not gone home with Amber last time and asked her all sorts of pitying questions. She’d just accepted what was, and let it be. Or maybe she didn’t want to pry. Or maybe she didn’t think about him at all after they had left his house.
“Do you want any more of this?” she asked. “It’s not very big.”
Mattie, who was considering her assessment of him, re-centred his attention on her. “No, you finish it. I can roll another one after. Don’t want to burn my fingers.”
Amber returned then, as Fiánne was putting out the roach in the ash tray Mattie had put out on the table.
“Water’s on, mugs are ready. Xav, you want hot chocolate or tea?”
“No, I’m having hot chocolate with you guys,” Mattie said. “I’m fun.”
“You roll damn good joints,” Amber assured him. “I think I’m baked. You guys must be baked. Are there any gummi bears left?” She searched the package.
“How’s the fire?” Mattie asked her, distracting her from the bag.
“I’ll poke it,” Amber said. “There’s another log there, I’ll throw on. Fiánne? Want anything?”
“No, I’m perfectly fine,” the other woman replied. “This is just... really, really enjoyable.”
“It is fun,” Amber said. “At first I was bummed out that our night was ruined but I’m having fun. It’s cosy fun.”
Mattie felt the weight of a cat on his lap, suddenly, and he smiled, petting its soft fur. He knew instantly it was Seuss, both by touch and by personality.
“Do you like cats, Fiánne?” he asked her. “Oh, wait, yes, Amber has a cat you’re fond of, too. I remember now. This is Seuss.” He petted her, sounding like a proud father. “She’s as different from her sister in personality as she is in looks. Dickens pretends she’s aloof, but she’s the first one on the bed with me.”
“She’s so sweet,” Fiánne said.
“She’s a little needy,” Mattie whispered. “But we love her anyway,” he said in a goofy, higher-pitched voice, kissing the cat’s forehead as punctuation.
Fiánne laughed. “I love their names,” she said. “I love both those authors.”
“Yeah? I couldn’t think of anything else. I thought of them like bookends.”
“Water’s boiling,” Amber said, jumping up. “You have marshmallows, Xav?”
“I have no idea,” Mattie said. “I don’t think so, but you can look.”
Amber returned, having found no marshmallows, she brought potato chips that were supposed to be for Hallowe’en trick or treaters.
“I’ll buy you another box, Xav, but I was going to make popcorn on that stove and I just don’t want to do that much work.”
Mattie could hear the chips being opened, and in a moment, he felt a miniature bag hit him in the chest, and the cat jumped off his leg. He picked it up and opened it, feeling hungrier than he had been all night.
“So much work,” Mattie said sarcastically, but gladly ate the chips. “So, what are you guys doing for the weekend? Are you staying through?”
“Yeah, I’ll take her back in Sunday night. We’re just hanging out. What are your plans?”
“Well, I guess it depends on if they get the power back on or not,” he said. “If it isn’t on, I can’t do much, I guess, that I want to do.” He waited, but the response he expected never came. Fiánne never said what does it matter if the power’s off, you don’t need the lights. He’d heard that comment a lot. Someone once said his power bill must be nothing because he didn’t need lights.
“What’s that face for?” Amber asked. “Xav?”
“I thought you guys might say it didn’t matter if I had power. People say that.”
Fiánne looked perplexed. “But you need power as much as the rest of us,” she said. “You use computers and stereos, and the stove and... your ’fridge. You probably like your food to stay frozen in the freezer just as much as anyone, right? I mean, I know in the country, too, you have water pumps and hot water heaters, so you’re just as screwed as anyone.”
Mattie grinned. She was definitely not in the league of the general public.
“That’s just dumb,” Fiánne said. “I definitely did not think that.”
“This time I am the presumptuous one,” Mattie said, still grinning. “Sorry.”
“I also won’t assume you won’t know the power is back on because you don’t see the lights.”
Amber laughed. “None of us will see any lights if the power comes back on. Xav never has them on in the first place.”
“But we’ll all still know,” Mattie said. “Because we aren’t oblivious and dumb.”
“I don’t think the power will be off that long,” Amber said. “It’s not like it’s freezing rain or anything. I wonder where it blew? I wonder if the store is out.”
Mattie got up this time, heading to the front door. He opened it and stepped out, listening, feeling. The wind still gusted, but the rain seemed less heavy, the raindrops smaller.
“It’s lessening,” he said, coming back in and closing the door against the weather. As he did, they all heard the sound of a diesel truck down on the road, passing slowly.
“Lights flashing,” Amber said, standing to see out the window. “I think that’s the hydro truck, Xav. Must be checking all the lines.”
“Well, we know they’re out there, anyway,” he said. “Won’t be long, I’m sure.” He returned to his hot chocolate, which had cooled enough to drink.
“Wanna play a game?” Amber asked them both. “Xav has Monopoly and Scrabble and cards and... Clue?”
“I don’t have Clue,” Mattie said. “But the others, yes.”
They agreed on Scrabble, and Mattie got the game from the office. Amber set it up and passed out the letters. Mattie rolled another couple of joints for the game, and Fiánne quietly watched him, her dark eyes following his fingers, then raising up to look at the gentle, far-away expression on Mattie’s face. She knew he wasn’t off daydreaming, he was concentrating on his hands, and their conversation, but he looked deep in thought, the light from the fire flickering across his face and eyes.
They’d smoked two more joints and had played three games when the sound of the fridge, the water pump, and several electronic beeps all were heard at once.
“There it is,” Mattie said. “We survived the terrible black-out.”
“Aww,” said Amber. “It was fun.”
“It was fun,” Mattie said, and Fiánne agreed wholeheartedly.
They stayed for one more game, and then Amber and Fiánne helped tidy up, and they gathered their things and thanked Mattie for his hospitality.
When Mattie closed the door behind them, the house was no longer silent, but it seemed quieter than it had before they had come. Mattie went to bed hoping that maybe tomorrow, Amber would want to invite him to hang out with them again. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to stop wondering about Fiánne all weekend, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that at all.
Small Mercies Chapter 59, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Mattie heard Amber knocking at his back screen-door before she came in calling, “Hello?”
He gave her a reply from the living room as he headed toward the kitchen, his fingers barely following along the wall.
“Hey, Bro. Can I borrow forty bucks until I can get to town? I don’t have any cash on me. I’ll stop in on my way back and give it back.”
“Yeah, just a sec.” Mattie headed back down the hall to get his wallet, but he called back to Amber as he went. “Hey, you know those shirts you took to the shop?”
“Yeah,” said Amber, following him.
He realised where she was and spoke normally in volume, feeling in the fold of his wallet for the two bills. “Did you sew Braille tags in them?” he asked, handing her the money.
“Braille tags? No. I only had those ones from a few years ago that we put in. I haven’t had any more since then. Why, are there tags in them?” Amber was puzzled.
“Yeah,” Mattie said.
“Just the shirts? What about the jacket?”
“I didn’t check it. Just a sec. I left them in here.” Mattie moved into the living room and picked up the shirts and jacket from the coffee table. Amber took the shirts, looking at the tags sewn into the tab on the collar. She looked at Mattie’s jacket as he ran his hands along the inside lining. Sure enough, a little white metal tag reading DARK BLUE was there, in Braille and print.
“Terri must have put them there... I don’t know where she got them... or the idea. I mean, she knows you, she knows you’re blind. She’s probably repaired something of yours with those in them. I don’t know. I’ll ask her the next time I’m in. It’s funny they never said anything to me when I picked them up.” She smiled at Mattie. “I think it’s sweet.”
Mattie still looked puzzled, but he nodded. “I can’t complain. Those two shirts feel the same. Now I know that one is the striped one, and one is the grey one.” He smiled, shrugging.
“That’s cool,” she said. “I’ll ask them when I’m in next time. Or I can ask Fiánne, I think I’ll meet her for lunch this week.”
“Who’s Fiánne? Oh, wait, your new friend?”’
“Yup, my new friend.”
“That’s an interesting name,” Mattie mused. “Where’s it from?”
Amber shrugged. “I don’t know. It suits her, though.” She thanked him for lending her the cash and shouted back that she’d see him later.
Amber had her chance to ask about the tags when she made a lunch date with Fiánne on Wednesday. She picked the young woman up and dropped off a few more things for a repair or alteration, and they went across town to a little café that Amber had gone to with Barb a few weeks before.
Once they were seated, Amber mentioned the Braille tags.
“Oh... yeah... that was me,” said Fiánne, shyly. “I had those in my sewing box. I had a box of donated clothes to go through a while ago and a bunch of them had those tags. I took them off, I didn’t want to just throw them away, and I put them in my sewing box. I didn’t think I’d ever need to use them but I thought they were kinda neat.
“Terri told me that you have a brother who is blind, after you came in, and said they were his shirts. I showed her the tags I had and she said that she had seen them in something you had brought in of his before. So I just thought maybe he’d get more use of them than I would. I hope I wasn’t overstepping.”
“No!” Amber exclaimed. “He was pretty pleased about it, he thought I’d done it. I put in some a few years ago but some have disappeared and I didn’t get any more and he just remembered most of his clothes and what colour they were, at least the ones he wore all the time. But he said those two shirts felt the same and he was going to get me to sew a button inside one so he’d know which was which. You saved me the trouble.”
Fiánne smiled shyly. “I’m glad he was pleased,” she said. “His name is Matthew, right? Do you have just one brother?” she continued as Amber nodded to her first question.
“No,” Amber said as the waitress brought them coffee and tea. “I have two brothers. Do you have any siblings?” Amber didn’t feel like explaining Daniel.
“No. Well. Not really. I mean, I kinda do, in a way.”
Amber looked perplexed, so Fiánne explained.
“I have some foster siblings,” she told Amber.
“Oh!” Amber said. “You were a foster child, or your family supported foster children?”
“I was fostered... for a while,” Fiánne said, with a soft smile.
“Oh! That must have been difficult?” Amber said. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.”
“No,” Fiánne said. “It’s okay. It’s not like it’s a secret. It was actually the best thing that could have happened for me then.”
“Well, then...” Amber wasn’t sure how to continue, or even if she should, so she changed topics to how Fiánne came to be at the alterations shop, just as their lunch arrived.
Peter had Mattie holding onto the wooden frame of a glass door as he worked at taking out old nails. He was repairing an antique cabinet for Chloë, which had been her grandmother’s, and he’d convinced his best friend to come give him a hand. They were out in the workshop part of Peter’s garage, and the radio played on the work table.
“Hold my hammer,” Peter said, and put it into Mattie’s outstretched hand.
“I’m running out of hands,” Mattie said.
“Okay. Got it. Okay. Here, can you help me lift it? Yeah... just a little more up, and in. Perfect. Just hold it for a minute while I put this screw in.” He directed Mattie and the two of them succeeded in replacing both doors onto the cabinet without any trouble.
Peter liked working with Mattie, as they always had. It took a lot more description and direction now, but it wasn’t really that much different nowadays. Mattie had made so much progress in the past four years in being comfortable without sight, it really had lost its strangeness, and it had become much less difficult in figuring anything out when they did things together. He’d even picked up a few of the tools himself, and had no problem screwing in screws or fitting in shelves. His hands were so fine-tuned in performing tasks and seeing for Mattie at the same time, Peter often mistook Mattie’s precision as actual sight on Mattie’s part.
Mattie finished screwing in the brace for a shelf on one side. Peter lifted the plank and Mattie helped him to fit it in.
“Last one,” Pete told him.
“Yup,” Mattie said. “What else? How’s it look?”
“Lookin’ good,” Peter said. “Probably could use a sanding on the top.”
“Let me,” Mattie said. “Got sandpaper?”
Peter handed him the rough, gritty card, and Mattie slid his hand over the top surface of the cabinet, setting to work on smoothing it out. Peter took another piece of sandpaper and set to work along the bottom.
Turning the rough wood with its cracked veneer into a smooth, satiny surface was satisfying to Mattie. He didn’t have to do anything but work at it, feeling it become like new wood, taking away the nicks and the scars. It rewarded him as he went, and when Peter stood up to take a break, he was shocked at how much better it looked in such a short time.
“You got a power sander up here, Xav?” he joked, running his hand along the surface.
Mattie smiled. “Are you going to stain it? Or paint it?”
“I’ll give it a nice dark stain,” Peter said. “I’m just trying to get the old stuff out of the details along the front panel here.”
Mattie glided his fingers down over the edge to the front panel, feeling the little carvings in the wood.
“Vines and flowers,” Peter told him.
Mattie felt the whole length of the panel, working out the pattern in his mind. He could feel the vines and the raised petals, which were more obvious than the finer details.
“Needs a gentle touch,” Mattie said. “Got a chair?”
“Thought you’d never ask,” Peter said, grabbing a sturdy wooden stool for Mattie to get a better angle at working at the panel. He, in turn, began working at the sides of the glass panes.
Chloë called them in for supper, having promised she wouldn’t peek at the work being done on her antique. She was amazed how long they’d been working away out there, but Mattie was only surprised at how much time had passed. It was such a nice afternoon and he’d been thoroughly enjoying himself. They had done a lot of work on the cabinet, and Peter figured he’d only have a little bit left before he stained it.
“You guys smell good,” Chloë said as they passed her to go wash up. “You smell like wood shavings and macho skills.”
They both chuckled, and Peter commented to Mattie, “A woman loves a man who works with his hands.”
“Well,” Mattie replied. “I should be swimming in women, then.”
“Oh, right, because you do everything with your hands,” Peter groaned.
“Hey, you said it,” Mattie deflected.
“Too soon, Buddy, too soon.”
Mattie gave him the expression of disgust that Amber had deemed The Look, and Peter chuckled, letting Mattie go wash up first.
Amber and Riley joined Mattie, Peter, and Chloë for a sail, and Peter told Riley how Mattie was going to try waterskiing. Riley, already knowing Mattie tried some adventurous stunts, totally believed Peter, much to Peter’s quiet delight.
“When are you going to go?” Riley asked Mattie.
Mattie shook his head. “He’s trippin’,” he replied. “He’s been trying to convince me forever that I need to go waterskiing.”
“You’re not?” Riley was confused.
“He thinks if I downhill ski, waterskiing should be easy for me.”
Riley pondered the premise, and Chloë told Mattie to not listen to Peter. “He’ll invent things for you to try if he thinks he can get away with it, Xav.”
“You were the one to send him down a hill,” Peter said to Chloë.
“I was with him all the way,” she replied.
“Pete was with me all the way that time on the bikes,” Mattie said.
“Bikes?” asked Riley. “Do I want to ask?”
“Gahh,” was Amber’s reply. “These two decided they would bike down to the store one day... I think it was the second summer after the accident, and he was still recovering, and here they come down on bikes.”
“Bicycle bikes?”
“Yup. Two bicycle bikes. Peter in front, Xav just behind...”
“If I had died that day,” Mattie told Riley, “it would have been because Amber killed me and buried me in the back field, with Peter right beside me.”
Riley chuckled and looked at Amber, who shrugged. “He tests me,” she admitted.
“I can see why,” Riley said, grinning, turning to Mattie. “I can’t believe you rode that far on a bike without seeing.”
“He didn’t ride the bike the whole time,” Peter said. “He spent a few times in a ditch.”
“I did, yeah,” Mattie admitted.
“Jeez,” said Riley, and he looked at Amber, who looked proud of the brother who often did test her every nerve and patience, and they smiled at each other.
“We made it, it was fine,” Peter said, winking at Amber.
Chloë just shook her head at her husband, her smile patient, loving, and disapproving all at the same time. Peter made Mattie live his full life without regrets, and Chloë wouldn’t change it for the world.
Peter grinned and winked at her, too, and then let the main sail out a little, and the boat tilted as it caught the wind. It surprised the passengers, and Peter chuckled as everyone instinctively grabbed something, except Mattie, who reached out without finding something, and in half a moment felt Amber’s wrist against his hand and he grabbed on. Peter saw that Amber’s reflexes always included her brother, and he knew that he had learned that, too. They’d integrated their sight into Mattie’s well-being somehow, naturally, organically.
Once the boat stabled out, Peter called Mattie over to the rudder to put him to work. He knew Mattie liked the feeling of steering the boat through the water, feeling the pull of the current, the weight of the boat. He gave that to his friend as often as he could.
Riley, being a fan of the water, enjoyed the day in the sailboat. He hadn’t been on a sailboat since he was a teenager, and he was very appreciative that Peter took him out. He liked that Amber’s friends had taken him into their activities so easily.
After they’d come in, and Peter had everything packed in and strapped down, they headed back to Peter and Chloë’s for some “suds and grub”, as Peter called it. It was a good day, and it continued into the evening. They were all happily worn out when they called it a night.
Mattie realised as he was heading to bed that night that he hadn’t felt like a third wheel, or a fifth wheel, actually, the entire day. He was so completely comfortable with these people, they integrated him so well into the group, he forgot he was the single one. Even Riley, Mattie noted, had been accepted into the group easily and didn’t stick out as an interloper or newcomer. It was a rare group of friends indeed that showed such acceptance and welcoming.
Mattie’s days of summer came to an end, and he headed back to work rested, tanned, and excited for the year ahead. Once again, he had the usual mix of students signing up: ones that were returning to take another course, new students that had heard about Professor MacTavish from other students, and new students who had no previous knowledge about Mattie at all, and would get a nice shocker when they arrived in the lecture room.
“Hey, Boy-o!” Mattie recognised Christopher Garnet’s voice and the familiar tap on the open door, and he smiled, raising his head.
“Hey, Garnet! How’s the scheduling shaping up?”
“Christ-in-a-Christmas-tree!” exclaimed Garnet, entering the room. “If I swap anything else around I’ll have to teach courses individually all day long. You?”
Mattie sat back. “The same. I just went in to check and I gained four students in one course and lost three in another. Two of whom transferred to one of my other courses. I can’t keep track.”
“It’ll hopefully fall into place before the week is over.”
“Then the real fun begins,” said Mattie.
“Well, of course! We get to start rehearsing for the two shows in December.”
“Two?” Mattie asked. “Yeah? Well, aren’t you just the agent to the stars.”
“Yeah, don’t quit your day job,” said Garnet. “You have Anders back?” he asked, referring to Mattie’s tutorial assistant.
“Yup, just until Christmas, though. He’s all grown up now, I did what I could while he was mine,” Mattie said with a grin. His assistant had scored a professor-in-residence position and would move up in the winter term. Mattie would be assigned a new assistant, and he hoped they could work together as well as he and Neil Anders had over the past several years.
Garnet chuckled. “You’re a good mentor,” he said, “sending him off into the world.”
“Mentor!” Mattie laughed. “No, I don’t think he saw me as a mentor,” he said.
“I beg to differ on that one,” Garnet retorted. “So, you wanna walk over to the market for lunch? I’ll even buy you a pastry from Giorgio’s.”
Mattie grinned. “How can I turn that down?” He felt his watch. “What time do you want to go?”
“I’ll swing by in about an hour?”
“Sounds good to me.” Mattie sat back, smiling to himself as Garnet headed back out of the room, slapping his hand against the door twice as he left. He couldn’t imagine not being back here, getting ready to start a new semester.
He had met twice with Dean Foster, and had met with the department once. The dean had welcomed him back with a warm handshake, and made sure Mattie had everything he needed. Mattie assured him that everything was perfect, he was glad to have the continued used of his same room and office, and Dean Foster assured him that it was the least he could do, and that he hoped Mattie’s term ahead was engaging.
Once again, Mattie steered clear of Professor Shelton as best he could. He hadn’t had any trouble after the Christmas party incident, and he hoped Shelton had some other issue to put his time to this year. Dean Foster hadn’t mentioned Shelton, and Mattie wasn’t about to rehash anything that didn’t need to be dug up.
Mattie met up with his friend, Robert Durnley, whom he hadn’t seen in months, and caught up over cranberry muffins provided by Durnley’s wife. It just felt right to be back with these people. He had thought about his old group of friends and they seemed like light years away from the people he was surrounded with now. Another lifetime.
His classes set, his itinerary in order, his classroom prepped, and his wardrobe spruced, Mattie was ready.
The introduction to his students, as always, got mixed reaction. He was always glad when it was done and over and he could move into books. There was always an uncomfortable start, with no-one knowing how to interact with their professor. Mattie’s sense of humour and his ability to empathise was the saving grace to those first days.
He had managed to schedule his teaching days to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday once more, four courses each, two in the morning and two in the afternoon. His tutorials were scheduled for Tuesdays and Thursday, which would be with Anders in another lecture room, leaving him the days for marking and preparing and reading and setting up meetings with students. He’d invited any of his students who were having problems, with either the work, with a roommate, with money, or with his teaching, to come talk to him. He told them he was available to them, even to discuss novels they were reading to a deeper extent if they wanted.
The hand-raising issue was addressed, the marking methods discussed, and his assurance given that there would be no leniency in his own teaching, and that he expected the same from them.
“This is a classroom, first and foremost, and I’m here to teach you.” Mattie stood in front of his desk, his hands resting on his cane. He turned his head, as if scanning each of the students, but actually listening for murmuring or dissent.
One bold soul posed a question. “Can you see us at all?” he asked.
Mattie just gave a tiny but wicked grin. “I might not be able to... but... do you really want to find out how much I can see? If you think you can get away with stuff because I might not see it, you just keep that in mind.”
He wasn’t sure how long he could fool them with this, but if they thought there was a chance he might be able to see them goofing off or not being in class, they might be less likely to do so.
“It’s your money and time if you slack off and don’t show in class, but if you think I won’t notice, you’ll find a surprise with your grades. I won’t make you be in class, but I won’t make it easy for you to skate through. You’re adults now, you have consequences to your actions, and there is no excuse, not from me, nor from the dean, if you don’t put in your time and effort. However, if you attend these classes, you will be rewarded, because you’ll know your stuff. And you might have a good time learning it. I don’t just stand here and lecture at your ears. I don’t write notes on the board for you to copy. I want engagement, I want discussion, I don’t mind some diversion from the subjects, and rational, fortified arguments, I welcome them. I just want you to participate. Be interested. You’ll learn, I promise.”
“Excuse me, Professor, I’m Emily Russell. Um, have you taught here long?”
Mattie nodded. “Well, as you see, I’m a bit younger than the average professor here. But I have all my credentials, and my students have come out with higher-than-average marks, and that isn’t using a marking curve. That’s standard. This is my seventh year, so I’m not new to the podium.” He didn’t need to mention the two-year hiatus in the middle of his tenure.
He knew they were unsure of their semester ahead, but he knew he would be able to win most of them over before the third week began. He bet himself five dollars that he would.
“I believe success is in each and every one of you,” he said. “You can go as far as you want.”
“I went to the movies last night,” Amber told Mattie.
“You guys hit the movies a lot,” he returned.
“It wasn’t with Ry,” Amber informed him. “I went with Fiánne. Remember, that girl from the alterations shop?”
Mattie nodded. “Your new best friend,” he said with a grin. “Does Barbra know?”
“Shut up. She’s nice. Barbie knows about her and they will be friends and you’re an idiot.”
“I am an idiot,” Mattie relented, smiling goofily at her. “What movie did you go to?”
“Our Idiot Brother,” Amber said, giggling.
“Damn it!” Mattie said, snapping his fingers. “That was just sad.”
“It all came together too nicely,” Amber laughed.
“So was it good?”
“Yeah, we had fun. We went for coffee afterwards. I think that she needs a friend. I don’t think she really has many people to talk to. She seems out of practise.”
“Why? Don’t scare the girl, Amber, sometimes you never shut up.”
Amber ignored his comment. “No, really. I mean, it took me a while to get her to really just talk. It was like she was fine just letting me talk. And that even gets old with me.”
“You’re too nosy sometimes, Amber. Some people just don’t like talking about their lives with strangers.”
“We’ve gone out many times now, we’re not strangers,” Amber replied smugly. “I’ve gathered information. I like her, and I think she’s scared I won’t.”
“Maybe she has secrets.”
“Oh, she has,” Amber said. “She’s had a rough time.” Amber sighed, and Mattie heard the sadness in the exhale.
Mattie didn’t ask. It wasn’t his place to know about her life.
“I think I’ll invite her out here on the weekend. Ry is going to Ottawa, and I think she needs an escape weekend.”
“Does she live with someone? Is she married?”
“Not... so much,” Amber said.
“Okay,” Mattie said. He could tell she was ready to burst.
“She was engaged. She is engaged. She was working at the bakery on the east side of the city, and he wanted her to quit, and clean houses because it made more and he would be in control of whose house she was cleaning.”
“Sounds like a twat,” Mattie said.
“She got fed up with him. She said she liked him at first because he made her feel protected but it soon became clear he was possessive. But he was her ticket out of her house.”
Mattie groaned. “You’re already betraying your new friend’s confidence,” he said.
“It’s just you,” she said.
“Oh... thanks,” Mattie said.
“I just think she needs friends. She moved out and didn’t tell him. He doesn’t know where she is, or where she’s working now. Her foster mother had taught her how to sew in her teens.”
“Foster mother?” Mattie was trying to stay detached, but Amber’s narrative was too much for his own curiosity.
“For some reason, she was removed from her own home. I think she lived there with her mother, but I don’t know about her father. She lived with a family who had a son and three foster kids. I guess she was happy there. She went back home again, after... I’m not sure how long she was home for before she graduated and moved in with that guy. Just to escape the mother, I think. And I think it was out of the frying pan and into the fire.”
“Geez. So she escaped home, got sent back, escaped again, to something worse, possibly, and then escapes that by going underground. You found some trouble,” Mattie said.
“But she’s not like that,” Amber said. “You’d never know there was shit. She’s very quiet, and she’s polite and generous and kind. It’s like a little animal that gets abused and just hides at the back of the kennel, shaking.”
“So you’re bringing the poor little puppy home,” Mattie said.
“I am. And don’t be mean to her.”
“What? When am I mean to people? Especially ones I don’t know? No, you carry on; I’m going to help Peter put the boat away anyway.”
“Already?” Amber asked.
“We’re halfway through September,” Mattie said. “Season is over.”
“Wow,” Amber said. And then she realised what date was closing in on them. She glanced over to see if his expression showed if he was thinking the same thing.
“Yup,” he said. “Fall is coming in hard and fast. I’ll bet you already have your Christmas shopping started.”
She couldn’t help but smirk. “I might have.”
Mattie made a face. “Knew it.”
“It’s good planning,” she argued. “You wish every year that you had the forethought to get your Christmas gifts in order early.”
“Too soon,” Mattie said. “I just want to enjoy fall first.”
“You like fall?” Amber asked him.
“It’s my favourite season,” Mattie said.
“Because of school?” Amber asked. She had thought that Mattie wouldn’t like the memories tied into this time of year. She thought the darkness of the anniversary would have tainted it for him for all time.
He shook his head. “No. It’s the prettiest season. It’s the season I feel the most, I guess. I mean, in the spring I can smell the new leaves and green... but the fall... It’s so much. To you, it’s so much colour, and it is for me, too. There’s the smell of the fallen leaves. There’s the chill on the grass and in the earth. There’s dew at night and in the morning. The leaves make more noise, they are at their fullest and then they start to dry and rustle and fall, and they whisper along the pavement, sounding like a deer or a dog running behind you, the wind clicking them against the ground. The wood smoke in the air starts in the evenings, and reminds you that it’s getting cold and people need to start tucking themselves into cozy sweaters. And I can wear sweaters again, and hats, and light the furnace. And Lilla gets excited about Hallowe’en, it’s fun. And the smell of pumpkin spice is everywhere. And I don’t even like eating or drinking anything with that in it, but the smell makes me happy. It’s just all smells and feels. Like walking through crunchy leaves. Or the pumpkins rotting in the fields. Or the early morning frost, it’s sharp and biting on the fingers. Or the feet.”
Amber watched him, amazed at the details he was sharing. He perceived so much through his four strong senses. The smile on his lips had spread to his whole face, his blind eyes filled with thought and expression. He still talked with his hands, but his motions had become much smaller, closer to his body. He wasn’t thinking about why he had loved fall when he could see it. Everything that made him feel alive and happy to be in the season was something he experienced now, in his own beautiful way.
“Sometimes I really wish I knew what you see.”
“Nothing,” Mattie said matter-of-factly.
“You know what I mean,” she grumbled.
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “You know it’s not so bad.”
“I know,” she returned. “You show me that all the time.”
“Aren’t we just an after-school special?”
“You ruin every moment.”
“I do my best,” Mattie said with false pride.
Amber’s response was a frustrated sputter.
Mattie didn’t hear from Amber all Friday and most of Saturday, but he was busy helping Peter put the boat away. He often wished he was better help, he sometimes felt he was more work than the work itself, but Peter always assured him that his help was golden and appreciated. Mattie was grateful for Peter’s constant belief in Mattie’s abilities and his normalisation of their friendship.
Pete had dropped him back home and he went upstairs to shower and change. The temperature was cooling as the afternoon went on. He rubbed his hair dry and pulled on a warm sweater. He pulled the belt through his jeans and reached into the top drawer of his dresser, his fingers recognising his knitted grey hat. He picked it up, feeling the soft felt of the knit.
Amber had brought that hat in to him when he was in a coma, his hair shorn from the doctors’ work to relieve the pressure on his brain. She had pulled it over his head to keep him warm, and to make him look more like her brother and less shocking to her. The scar along his scalp upset her, and there were enough frightening things beeping and clicking around him, connected to him, that she needed some normalcy. When he’d woken up, he’d continued to wear that hat, for the same comfort and warmth she brought it for. He also had been able to pull it down to shield his eyes when he felt vulnerable, so no one could see his eyes when he couldn’t see theirs. Amber had told him that he’d been very aware of the scar on his head, she had assured him it was fading, and that his hair would cover it completely. She told him that he’d disliked it when she looked at it or touched it, that he’d always put his hand up to his head to shield himself from her sight. The hat had given him the ability to hide his weaknesses.
Now he held the hat in his hand, and reached up with the other, feeling for the tiny raised line and narrow indent along it behind his hairline over his right eye. It still made him feel weak, or broken. That his brain had been so injured and he had been so gone at that point.
He pulled the hat over his hair, pushing it back off his forehead, and he took a deep breath.
Four years ago.
Message from: Amber:
“You home?”
“Do you have bread?”
“If you do, can we come over? I’ll make you grilled cheese sandwiches.”
And then the phone rang.
Mattie was already texting her back when she called. “I have bread. What’s the big deal?”
“We got hungry and I don’t want to cook anything. Or go get bread.”
“Are you drunk? That’s quite the party you put on.”
“We are not drunk. Ffff---frig off.”
“Ohhwoho! You almost swore at me in front of your new friend,” Mattie teased her.
“I’m putting you on speaker, fucker,” she said.
Mattie laughed. “That’s no way to speak to the one with the bread in hand. In fact, I have two loaves of bread, and I might just eat them all myself right now. I’m starving, we worked hard all morning until now.”
“I said I’d make you... Okay, this is me begging—”
“Please don’t beg, it’s too sad for me. Yes, of course you can come borrow bread or eat bread or use me for my bread or whatever.”
“What are you doing?” Amber asked, as if it mattered.
“I told you, I just got home, got a shower, and I’m hungry. So I’m a sucker for your bargain. I gather you’re both coming?”
“Yes. I wanted to show her my old house. She loves my house, I figured she’ll really dig yours. Do you mind?”
“I guess so, Amber. Just check things before viewing, can you?”
“Yup. No worries. Okay, we’ll be over in a few. I have cheese, we won’t use yours,” Amber said. “See how nice I am?”
Mattie was in the kitchen when Amber burst in. “Hey-o, bro!” she called. Amber invited her friend in behind her and shut the door. “I’d like you to meet my friend, Fiánne Mahinney. Fiánne, this is my brother, Xav. He owns this fine establishment.”
Mattie gave a friendly smile and stepped forward, holding out his hand politely. In a moment, he felt her hand slide into his, her fingers cool to the touch.
“Hi, Fiánne, nice to meet you,” he said.
“Hi,” she replied softly.
“Do you want to do the tour now?” Mattie turned to Amber, “or sit for a bit, and you can make your sandwiches.”
“Ummm,” Amber said, looking at Fiánne. “You want to eat now? Or tour? Tour? We’ll do the tour. Can you put the kettle on for us?”
“Tea? Or red wine with your posh grilled cheese?” Mattie asked.
“You have red wine?”
“I always have red wine. Where have you been?”
“Well, we can start with tea... but now that you’ve told me about the red wine...”
“Go. I’m putting the kettle on, and getting out the wine glasses,” Mattie said. “Should I roll a joint, too?”
“Xav!” Amber said, glancing at her friend, who smiled back. “Actually, yeah, could you?”
Mattie laughed. “Go. Take your tour of the museum. Fiánne? Please don’t mind the mess or the... weirdness of anything. I didn’t realise I would be admitting tourists.”
“Sorry for the intruding. I didn’t think she’d actually literally bring me over here, I won’t notice anything but the house and the furniture,” the other woman replied. “Your house is beautiful. It’s well looked after.”
Mattie nodded. “I had a lot of work done on it a few years ago now.”
“Come with me,” Amber said, and Mattie listened to them going up the hall, Amber giving historical details along the way.
Fiánne turned back as she left the kitchen. “Thank you,” she said kindly to Mattie.
Her voice had given nothing away to him. Her age remained a mystery. She spoke quietly, but her voice was not girly at all, it was deeper than he’d expected. She hadn’t seemed awkward or overly rushed, she hadn’t spoken as if he was deaf, and she smelled of a mixture of patchouli, spring water, jasmine, and the ocean air. Mattie exhaled, his eyes closed. Then he turned, and hurried to fill the kettle.
When they returned from their tour coming down the tiny kitchen stairs, Amber picked up the teapot that Mattie had readied, and poured the boiling water in. Mattie had moved to the table to wait for them, and in front of him there were three mugs, three wine flutes, and a bottle of red wine. He’d also stacked three plates on one side of the table. The bread sat on the counter.
“Oh, you’re awesome, Xav,” Amber told Mattie. “Thanks for the bread. How many, guys? Two each?”
Once the order was established, Amber set to work heating a skillet and buttering bread.
“It’s a gorgeous home,” Fiánne told Mattie. “I love the way you’ve kept it. Your furniture is lovely, too.”
“Thanks,” Mattie said. “It’s pretty old and pretty big, but I love it like it’s family.”
“It is family,” Fiánne said to him. “It has been with your family a long time, it’s earned its place there.”
Mattie smiled. “Yeah, it feels like that,” he agreed. “Each board and peg and chair and door is as familiar as any family member.”
Amber flipped the grilled cheese sandwich over and after a moment, put it on one of the plates and cut it in half, sliding it over to Fiánne. Next, she did the same for Mattie. Then she made four more and set them on top of each other to keep warm. She took the top one and put it on her own plate and sat down.
“Hope you like the old cheese,” Amber said. “We like old cheese but I didn’t think...”
“It’s really good,” Fiánne said. “Yup, I’m a fan.”
Mattie nodded in agreement, chewing.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of grilled cheese sandwiches,” Amber said, her mouth full. She reached out and poured the tea for the others, and pushed their cups toward them.
“Tea at two,” Amber told her brother, and he found it easily, smiling at how the phrase hit his ears.
Fiánne tried her tea and smiled, contentedly. “It’s so nice out here,” she said. “It’s so quiet and calm and...” Fiánne looked wistful.
“It is,” Amber said. “It’s quiet and safe and cosy and any time you want to come out to chill, you’re welcome.”
Fiánne smiled with gratitude. “Thanks,” she said. “I might take you up on that. But I don’t have a car.”
“I can pick you up,” Amber said. “Or Mattie is right over there, you could meet up and come home with him and Peter and stay for a weekend. It was fun having you here.”
“I loved being here. It was fun.” Fiánne smiled, and Amber was glad that it had been positive for the younger woman. She had noticed that Fiánne rarely smiled. She had a sad, haunted expression, and when she smiled, it was just gracing her lips, but this time the smile reached her blue eyes, and softened her. Amber felt like reaching over and hugging her, but she also feared it might break her. There was much in Fiánne’s body language that didn’t invite closeness.
“It must have been really wonderful growing up here,” Fiánne said, looking around. “Did you all get along?”
“Sometimes,” Amber said. “More often, two of us got along, and one was left out. But it wasn’t always the same one.”
Mattie nodded. “Yeah, that’s true. We were very equal that way.”
“Older two against baby, boys against girl, younger two against eldest,” Amber said. “It changed daily.”
“Does Matthew live close by?” asked Fiánne.
Mattie was confused. Amber figured she’d gotten the names mixed up.
“I’m Matthew,” said Mattie.
“You’re...” Fiánne’s face clouded in confusion. “No, your brother, Matthew. The one Amber brings the clothes in for.”
“I’m him,” Mattie nodded. “That’s my name. Amber calls me Xav. But I’m Matthew.”
“But Matthew’s...” Fiánne looked lost.
“Oh, right, I should have thanked you for the tags. That was such a great surprise, we were really puzzled about them.”
“I had them in a box...” Fiánne said, dazed.
“Well, thanks so much,” Mattie said, but he got the feeling Fiánne didn’t hear him.
“You said...” Fiánne turned to Amber, and Amber realised the mistake.
“This is Matthew. Oh, Fee, I’m such a doofus. We all call him Xav. I thought you realised that he was the same person, but why would I think that? You’ve only known him by his real name. No, this is my younger brother, Matthew, the one we all call Xav.”
“So, you’re... I thought you were Daniel. But... are you blind?” Fiánne asked, her voice low, as if she wasn’t sure if she wanted him to hear her question or not. “Not your brother?”
Mattie smiled kindly and warmly. Amber had done it again. He did not understand how she didn’t remember to tell people meeting him that he was blind. He figured it was the obvious thing to do, but maybe to her, it wasn’t. She’d gotten so used to it being that way. What gave him sudden pause, and a little bit of pride, was that she’d been there all this time and she hadn’t even caught on.
“I’m the blind brother,” he said. “You can’t tell?”
“I... no, not really. I mean, I thought you were the other brother, I wasn’t looking for it, so no. I’m sorry. Is that rude?”
Mattie chuckled. “No, I don’t think so. I’m flattered, actually. You really couldn’t tell? That’s okay.”
“He knows everything about the layout here,” Amber said. “I didn’t even think about that throwing you off. Shit, I didn’t realise that I didn’t tell you that Xav and Matthew were the same person. That’s confusing, I’m so sorry, Fee.”
“No, I just...” She didn’t know what to say. She looked back at Mattie with appeal, and then found herself blushing even more with her discomfort.
Mattie just sat there grinning. She hadn’t suspected the whole time that he was blind. She hadn’t thought he was Matthew, she thought he was Danny, the sighted brother. He could totally understand where the whole mistaken identity had happened but he was impressed that she hadn’t seen any of the little tricks he did to keep his orientation and find his targets. He was impressed his expressions hadn’t been so out of place as to give it away plainly. He must have made the appearance of eye contact enough that she didn’t think twice. Although Amber had said she was shy, maybe she never made eye contact anyway, if she could help it. He didn’t want to laugh, not at her, but at his own paranoia, at his own strong abilities, about how he didn’t come off as some trademark blind man. But he didn’t want her to think he was laughing at her.
“Thank you,” he said. “That’s the coolest thing I’ve heard all week.”
“Really? That I’m a dumb oblivious idiot?”
“No! You’re not an idiot,” Mattie objected. “I’m flattered, really. I always assume it’s obvious, and maybe distracting.”
Fiánne eyed him, looking at him with new perspective. There was no reason why he couldn’t be Matthew. He seemed pretty confident and capable, and if things were falling into place correctly, she remembered he was a university professor.
“It’s okay,” Amber assured her. “Here, have another grilled cheese. They’re still toasty.”
“Did you mean that pun?” Mattie asked. “Please tell me you didn’t intend it.”
“I did not, but after I said it, I thought it was pretty clever,” she replied, putting another sandwich on his plate, too.
“Ugh, you would.”
Fiánne ate her second grilled cheese, recovering from her error in silence. Amber noticed that instead of avoiding looking at Mattie once she knew he was blind, like so many did, or looking at his face with pity, as many others did, Fiánne watched Mattie’s hands with interest, every now and then with a glance to his expression.
Fiánne didn’t ask Mattie any stupid questions. She didn’t ask any curious questions. She simply watched him until she was sure.
Amber had caused an awkward moment again, and she felt the silence that came from it. It was like Trent all over again. Except Fiánne didn’t look angry or sad or uncomfortable at all. Fiánne, Amber noticed, had lifted her face, her pale cheeks flushed, to truly look at Mattie, seeing him as Matthew and Xav, as he was.
Small Mercies Chapter 58, a romance fiction | FictionPress
“You didn’t fall in once?” Peter asked, sounding disappointed.
“No,” Mattie said, making a face. “You clearly underestimate my skills behind a paddle.”
“Well. Not falling out of the boat, no running into anyone else—”
“No, I ran into shit, don’t worry about that,” Mattie told him. “I ran right into one of those standing rocks.”
“Ah, geez, Xav, hard luck, that. That’s a bit dramatic, though, don’t you think? Here’s the rope, can you just hold this end here for a minute?”
Mattie grabbed the rope Peter handed him and held it. Peter was working on some of the rigging on his sailboat, and they’d rowed out to the mooring with a couple of beers and a bag of chips after supper.
“It wasn’t my finest moment, but it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.”
“How’s Amber’s new guy?”
Mattie nodded. “I like him. I think she’s head over heels. But he seems like a decent guy, he’s interesting and easy to talk to. I approve of him.”
“Well, good. She’s deserves a good guy.”
“I know,” Mattie said.
Peter glanced at Mattie. “You deserve a good woman. When are we going to work on that?”
Mattie shook his head. “Nope. I told you guys, I’m over that. I don’t want to go through it any more. I’m always just going to be someone’s backpack—”
“Jayzus, Xav, if I hear you talk about being a burden—”
“Then stop asking me about it! I don’t want to have to go through the whole thing of telling someone everything about myself, and getting comfortable with a person, letting them into my world, being in theirs... and then losing it.”
“Why do you have to lose it. I mean, I found Clo. And I’m not losing her.”
“I’m not you!” Mattie snapped back. “People don’t have to babysit you.”
“I think Chloë might beg to differ wit’ yer on that one,” Peter grumbled. “The t’ing is, Xav, everyone has t’ings that their partner just has to put up with, because they love ’em. That’s what being in a relationship is. And you can’t do that wit’ everybody. But when you find the right person, then those t’ings don’t matter as much as the stuff you love about ’em.”
“I’m not going to find the right person,” Mattie muttered.
“Not wit’ dat attitude, yer not,” Peter shrugged. He never really stressed himself over arguments with Mattie. They flared up, they got their say, and then they went back to doing whatever they had been doing. Peter forgave easily, and never harboured a grudge for long. Mattie never worried about their friendship, or the outcome of the argument, but he often felt moody and dark for a while after a spat. Peter also knew this about Mattie, and usually let him have a bit of mental space when it was all said and done. It was a valuable asset to their friendship. Their bond was never worn down by an emotional outburst, and usually a good shout cleared the air for things that needed to be said anyway.
“You just need to meet more people,” Peter said.
“How many people do I need to meet?” Mattie protested. “Do I set up a booth? Go on a world tour?”
“Maybe you should go on a world tour,” Peter said. “That’s actually not a bad idea. You’d meet a hell of a lot of people if you went out among dem. Had to maybe rely on meeting people to really make it a go.”
Mattie was shaking his head. “Not gonna happen,” he said. “Subject closed.”
Peter pursed his lips and bit his tongue. Sometimes it wasn’t worth it to battle Mattie’s stubborn streak. “Fine,” he said. “You can let go of the rope now,” he said without any bitterness.
Mattie dropped the rope and rubbed his eyebrow, frustrated. He wished everyone would just drop it. He’d reminded Amber several times about her promise not to set him up. He would not let himself be taken down by his own heart again. It hurt too deeply, and the loneliness afterwards was too much to bear. No, he was used to being alone now, and he’d come a long way in living independently. He still had put off hiring someone to come clean the house and help him with some chores, but Amber had never given him the idea that it bothered her to come over and give him a hand. It was much less painful to exist in a solo state that to have to return to a solo state.
Peter raised his eyes from his work for a moment to look at Mattie. What made Mattie strong also kept him from acting sometimes. But Mattie could not say that love wouldn’t find him. He could not state for a fact that it would never happen. Peter once again let the whole thing drop, but it wasn’t going to be the end of it at all.
“Can you stick this end t’rough dat ring on your right? Yeah, just a little more. There. Here’s the rope. Feed it through and give ’er a tug. Thanks, s’good.”
Mattie begrudgingly continued helping, knowing he’d be out of the mood shortly, because Peter wouldn’t provoke him to stay in it. He was glad Peter knew him so well, and that he knew Peter well enough to know that Pete wouldn’t hold it against him. He sometimes wished he could pull himself out of a sullen mood as quickly as he could go into it, but it took as long as it took, and Peter always waited him out, even longer than his own sister would.
“You want to go out in the morning?” Peter asked. “It’s supposed to be calm, but I bet we can find a breeze to follow.”
“You should take Clo,” Mattie said.
“I might bring her along,” Peter replied. “She wants to hear about your kayaking anyway. And now that I know you didn’t fall in, I really can’t be bothered to tell her anything else.”
Mattie couldn’t suppress a smile, but he rolled his eyes and shook his head along with it. “Asshole,” he replied.
“Yup. So are you coming out with this asshole tomorrow? I need my skipper.”
“That’s beautifully persuasive,” Mattie answered. “How could I refuse that sweet offer?”
“Good. Now, be a dear and pass me the bailing can to the left of your foot, will you?”
It was hard staying grumpy around Pete.
Over the next few weeks, Mattie sailed, fished, swam, and hiked. The weather was amazing, and there were only a couple of rainy days to keep the gardens green in the middle of a span of heat and sun and to break the humidity a little.
Amber spent much of her time with Riley, and Mattie often only received a text from her throughout a whole day. It wasn’t unusual, though, to go days without really talking to her at all, and then to have her pop over three times in a day, or for him to go over there, too. He was glad she was getting along so well with Riley. He began to wonder if Riley would be Amber’s One, instead of just another boyfriend. Signs seemed to indicate that it could go that way, and Mattie wasn’t sure how he was feeling about that. He would be happy for her. But he knew he would feel left behind and he didn’t want to consider how bad that would be for him. After all the work he’d put in to be able to do everything again with his friends, and his sister, he still would be left behind.
There were days he went into the university with Peter, just to work on his itinerary and update his engagements calendar. He was working diligently on a couple of interesting assignments—at least he hoped the students found them interesting. He didn’t want to cram all his preparations into the last stretch before classes began. He tried to keep himself to a routine of going in once a week, even on the nicest days when he would have rather stayed home. He knew he’d be glad he’d done the extra work when the fall term began and the hubbub and confusion was a little overwhelming for him.
He met with Garnet and Howes and the other band members for a few practice sessions. Mattie knew those two had some plans up their sleeves in terms of shows they were booking for the university funds and one for a children’s charity, but they wouldn’t give anything away yet. Mattie enjoyed just letting them make the arrangements and going along for the ride. He didn’t want to do any planning; he did enough of that in his life.
He was sitting out in the garden behind the house, reading in the sun. Amber strolled over and saw him there before she reached the back door.
“Heya, Brother!” she called.
“Heya.” Mattie’s hands stopped on the page and he raised his face to her approach.
“Whatchya reading?” Amber asked, coming to sit beside him in another lawn chair.
“Ben-Hur,” Mattie replied.
“Jeez, that’s an undertaking, isn’t it?”
“Didn’t you read it?” Mattie asked her.
“Yeah, I think I read it maybe fifteen years ago. Didn’t you read it?”
“Yeah, I read it, it was one of the best books I ever read. I’m covering it this semester, and I need to re-familiarise myself with the story.”
“How many books long is it in Braille?” Amber asked.
“Four. I think. Or maybe five.”
“I didn’t think you did religious stuff in your courses.”
“No, I do. I just don’t do them as religious books. I do them as fiction as all my other books, ready to be scrutinised, debated, validated, rejected, or rejoiced by each reader. I think this one has a lot of valid historical points and arguments. It’s epic, and it’s definitely about differences and beliefs and friendships and how life can turn a completely different way because of a difference in values or opinions. It’s everything I want for a book for my class.”
Amber smiled at her brother. He enjoyed what he did so much. His students were unbelievably lucky to end up in his class. His fellow professors were lucky to have him as a colleague. The university was lucky to have him in their faculty.
“Where’s your handsome Riley?” he asked her, placing a bookmark into the book before closing it carefully and putting it on the plastic table beside his chair.
“Working.”
“And you’re not?”
“I have today off. He’s coming over later.”
Mattie nodded.
“Maybe we can hang out and play a game or something.”
“What are you angling for now, A?”
“I’m not angling for anything. I just haven’t seen you for a while. Whatchya been up to?”
“The usual.”
“The usual for you is usually unusual. How was your sailing day?”
“Which one?” Mattie asked.
Amber grinned, shaking her head. “How many times have you gone out?”
“Three. Two short ones. One longer one. Clo wants you guys to come out.” He leaned back in the sun, his eyes closed behind his sunglasses.
“We will,” Amber replied. “Wanna go swimming today?”
Mattie nodded. “Okay. Just down at Pete’s beach?”
“Yeah. I just feel like laying out and swimming a bit. You can take your book. Enjoy the day.”
“Sounds nice, actually. It’s too hot to sit here much longer.”
“We can stop and ask Peter if he wants to come down.”
“I think they’re both working today,” Mattie said.
“Just the MacTavishes, then,” Amber said. “I’m glad. Well, I’ll grab my bathing suit and sunscreen. How much time do you need?”
“Seventeen minutes,” Mattie replied, sitting forward to collect his book.
“Not twenty?” Amber asked. “Just seventeen? How do you figure that?”
“Well, now it’s sixteen, so stop asking me questions, and I’ll be ready.”
“I’ll give you twenty-five minutes because I’m a really generous person,” Amber said, standing up.
“Your magnanimousness overwhelms me,” he said, finding everything he needed to take and heading towards the back door.
When they got to the beach, Mattie was glad, too. He and Amber and Dan used to go to the beach together, sometimes two of them, sometimes three, not too far away from Peter’s beach. They’d come home for lunch and head back down again afterwards. He never felt a public beach was suitable to relax on. Now, putting his towel down beside Amber’s, he was glad Peter had this nice private beach that they could come to whenever they wanted.
“Last one in is a rotten egg!” Amber called, pulling off her t-shirt.
Mattie pulled his t-shirt off, too, and kicked off his sneakers, but he didn’t make a move to run. He realised that she hadn’t run anywhere, either.
“That’s not fair anymore, is it?” she asked him.
Mattie could hear the little waves lapping the shoreline. He knew the beach was clear, He’d just been there the day before, and Peter didn’t have a habit of leaving anything down there. He grinned, throwing his shirt, and he took off down the beach, stumbling once but continuing by quickening his pace to compensate for his change in balance. He felt the water splashing over his ankles and soon it dragged against his legs and slowed his pace. He heard Amber squeal and chase close behind, and he took a last leap as the water reached his hips, and dove down into the river.
When he came up, he pushed the hair from his forehead and felt for some footing. Once standing, he turned, trying to locate Amber. He was still smiling when he heard her.
“You’re a cheater!” she sputtered.
“Why?” he asked, laughing. “Just because I took the advantage of you totally not expecting that? Well, you should expect that. How else would I have won?”
“I actually wasn’t expecting that. Until I saw you grin. You’re such a goof. What if the boat trailer had’ve been there? Or a lawn chair or something?”
“Was there?”
“No.”
“I rest my case.”
“How do I put up with you?”
Mattie shrugged, dropping back into the water and letting his feet float up in front of him. “You adore me.”
“Much to my chagrin sometimes, I do.”
Mattie did a backstroke, feeling the muscles in his shoulders and back stretch out long. It felt good, moving freely through the water. He knew there was a raft and if he swam to his right a distance, he would find the little dock Peter used to load and board the sailboat. Straight out from that was the sailboat itself, moored well away from shore. He had plenty of space, as long as Amber warned him if he got close to the raft. He heard the gentle clang of the metal barrels that held the raft up to his right, and he realised he had gone past it, easily. He rolled over and slid into a breaststroke, keeping his breathing even and calm, letting the water carry him.
“Where are you going?” Amber called. She had started following him but came to a halt at the raft, instead climbing up the ladder. “I can’t keep up!”
“Just getting myself a little exercise,” Mattie answered. “Call me back in when I get far enough away.” He squirted some water out of his mouth and continued forward.
Amber replied that she would, and she watched him move further away. She knew he didn’t get the exercise and speed he wanted any time he wanted it. She knew that when he had the freedom to move, he welcomed it, and took as much advantage of it as he could. He had always been a good, strong swimmer, so Amber didn’t worry about him drowning; it was the disorientation that could cause trouble for him.
He called back to her, not turning, not wanting to throw himself off-course.
“Do I veer when I swim? Like I do when I walk?” He asked between puffs of breath.
“I don’t know. It’s harder to tell in the river than on a sidewalk. You look pretty straight-on to me.”
“Cool,” he said, his strokes still strong and even.
She watched him for a while longer, until he slowed down and turned around to face shore.
“Am?” he called, making sure his direction was on-point.
“Yup, just come in straight!” she shouted. “You’re heading right for me!”
“Just... don’t let me r-mmm... run into... the raft,” he said, between strokes as his words became garbled by river water in his mouth.
“Nope, just keep coming straight!” She guided him in to the raft, slowing him until she could grab his hand and place it on the ladder rung. Once oriented, Mattie climbed onto the raft and sat beside Amber. She moved a little so that she was sitting to face him.
“You’re a good swimmer,” she said.
“Yeah?” He smiled. “I feel like I was strong but it’s hard to tell.”
“How come?” Amber asked.
“I don’t know. It’s hard to tell anything when you’re in water. I just know to keep going as straight as I think I’m going, and that’s about it. So I don’t know if I went far or not. It felt far. But it probably wasn’t. You didn’t sound far.”
“You were pretty far. The water carried my voice. You were probably... maybe fi—” she stopped. “You said you can’t really picture distance anymore?”
“Not well. I mean, it’s just a conceptual thing now, like time.” The simile surprised even Mattie. One could dissect time, one knew what it meant, how long an hour was, and how many minutes made an hour. But one couldn’t see it, couldn’t picture its measure. Distance was the same for Mattie now, in a way. He could feel it, he could know what it meant, but he couldn’t picture how far he had travelled. He wondered if he’d ever been able to. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe he had only pictured it because it was what the information feeding through his eyes told him as he gazed over distance.
He turned to Amber, a puzzled look on his face. “Can you picture distance if you’re not looking at it?” he asked her.
Her face mirrored his puzzlement. “What do you mean?”
He wasn’t sure. “Like, if you close your eyes, can you imagine twenty feet? Like, can you see the distance in your head? In three-dimensional?”
Amber closed her eyes, and Mattie waited as she worked out the thought in her imagination.
“I don’t think so,” she said finally. “I mean, mental images and imagination is all kinda weird anyway. I don’t know. Let me think about that, because I think I know what you’re asking, but I don’t know how to accurately tell you. I take it you just imagine tactile landmarks sort of in general placement of when you come upon them? Maybe?”
“Kinda. I think that’s it. I can imagine it in how much time it takes for me to get there... I remember what things look like when they’re close or far. I know size relativity and that. But just picturing the actual distance that someone gives me now... It’s hard.”
“Hmm,” Amber said. “Interesting.”
“Weird,” Mattie corrected.
“Interesting. Not weird. It’s interesting to find out how your brain keeps adapting. I mean, everyone’s brains keep adapting. But yours is more... pronounced. Not weird, though, Hun. You’re pretty cool, if you ask me.”
Mattie smirked. “Am I fascinating?” he asked her.
“I wouldn’t go that far,” she replied sourly, though with a twinkle in her eye.
“Good,” Mattie said. “I don’t want to be fascinating.”
Amber saw he had his own twinkle going on, and she reached over and patted his shoulder, as if to give him her smile and eye contact by means of touch. She had perfected this move, and it always felt right, giving him the contact he needed and rarely got with people. It was a small thing, but the little smile of gratitude she got back was the proof that the connection was made and appreciated.
“Are you and Peter doing anything else this summer?”
Mattie shook his head. “Not that I know of. No plans, anyway. He needs to be with Clo, so I just let him make the plans if he wants to give her a break. But so far, nothing in my radar, really. Why?”
“I think you should do something.”
Mattie turned to her, pushing one of the wet curls of hair off his forehead so it would stop dripping down his nose. “Do what? I’ve already gone sailing, kayaking, swimming, gone to a party, won a horseshoe tournament, gone shopping, cleaned out my kitchen drawers and cupboards, gone to Halifax, gone running, and made a lemon tea bread. What else do I need to do?”
“Mmm, yeah, that lemon tea bread was good. We should do that again this week.”
Mattie rolled his eyes and nodded.
“I don’t know. I just think you need something fun... an adventure.”
“I can’t keep up to all the adventure,” Mattie said. “Can’t I just sit around on my vacation?”
“I don’t think you can just sit around, period. It’s not you.”
A furrow formed between his eyebrows. “I sit around all the time,” he argued. “I feel like all I do sometimes is sit around.”
Amber reached out and put her hand on his arm. “Then that’s why you need to do something,” she said persuasively.
He scowled. “That was a nice little bait and switch.”
“You walked right into it,” she said.
“You forgot to say blindly,” he replied.
“Ugh,” she groaned. “Really?”
One corner of his mouth turned up, but he shrugged a shoulder. “You walked right into it,” he said.
“You might get tossed into that river, you know,” she said.
Mattie just chuckled.
“I’m really happy for you,” he said. “You know, you and Riley.”
Amber smiled, hearing his name. “I’m really... I think I’m totally...”
“I know,” Mattie said. “And I’m glad.” And he was.
The summer rolled on through August. Mattie had hired a neighbourhood kid to mow his lawn, and Amber assured him the boy was doing a great job. When the boy couldn’t do it, his sister would come out. Mattie was happy with the arrangement and even more pleased when the kid told him he was saving most of the summer job money for university in the future, but he put some aside to get a scooter to upgrade from his bike.
Mattie thought about his brother when Dan’s birthday rolled around. He called his mother, just to make sure she was okay. He talked to her for almost an hour, and he was glad that she sounded cheerful when they hung up. He knew she was thinking about her first-born, missing him, and he hoped hearing from her last-born gave her some comfort, at least.
That same day, Lilla showed up in the afternoon on her bike and knocked on Mattie’s front screen door. She wanted to see how big the chicks were.
“They’re not little chicks anymore,” Mattie told her, following her behind his house.
“They grow too fast,” Lilla said. “Can I go inside the cage?”
“Are you going to hug my chickens?” Mattie asked her with a grin.
“No,” she replied. Mattie laughed and found the latch to open the door to the cage.
“Did any of them ever get out?” Lilla asked him. “Ours got out last week.”
“Nope, they’ve stayed put. What did you do to find yours?”
“They were just in the yard,” Lilla replied. “We had to chase them around a bit.”
Mattie smiled, imagine everyone chasing around chickens, trying to catch them. He knew that wasn’t something he wanted to try. It didn’t sound like a promising activity for him to attempt.
“My aunt is having a new baby,” Lilla informed Mattie from inside the chicken wire.
“Oh? Is she? A new cousin for you.”
“I wish I could have a new baby brother.”
“Not a sister?”
“I want a brother. But I guess a sister would be okay.”
“Does your aunt live nearby?”
“She lives in town. Just in Cody.”
“So you’ll be able to visit your cousin, anyway. That’s good.”
“Yeah. I guess so. But I want my mother to have a baby, too.”
Mattie wasn’t sure how to respond to this. He hoped the little girl didn’t ask him any questions about the birds and the bees.
“Do you like babies?” Lilla asked him.
That seemed safe enough, thought Mattie. He figured he could lead her away from asking where babies came from.
“Sure, I like babies. But no-one in my family have any yet.”
“Will you have a baby of your own some day?”
Mattie smiled at her. “I don’t know. Maybe. But I have to marry a nice lady first.”
“You could marry my friend Cindy’s mum. She doesn’t have a husband and she’s really pretty. She bakes stuff, too, and she knows how to drive a truck and a car.”
Mattie laughed out loud. “She sounds lovely,” he said.
“You should get married and have a baby,” Lilla said. “And then I can come look after it when you need someone to.”
“Ahh,” Mattie said. “Is that so? Well, I’ll think about that. I’ll definitely have you at the very top of a list of babysitters if the time ever comes.” He didn’t need to let the little girl down and give her the realities of life. Grown women were not as accepting or fascinated by him as Lilla was.
“I’m almost old enough to babysit now. I have a few more years until I can.”
“That’s right,” Mattie said, letting her back out of the coop when he felt the tug on the door under his fingers. “You have a birthday coming up. You can’t be turning nine. Are you nine?”
“I will be nine in September,” Lilla said proudly.
“Wow. Nine. Nine? You can’t be nine.”
Lilla giggled. “I am nine. Well, I will be nine on my birthday. I’m going to have a sleepover, too.”
“That will be fun,” Mattie said. “I bet your mum will make a really awesome cake, too.”
“Yup,” Lilla said happily. “Now can I go see your cats?”
F13F13F13
Amber had taken a jacket and two shirts of Mattie’s and two skirts of her own that needed repairs into town before meeting Riley for dinner. She headed to the alterations shop, knowing Mattie could pick the items up when he stopped in to the university the following week. She chatted with Terri, who took her items as she told Amber about her new grandchild. Amber congratulated her, cooing over the picture Terri showed her on her phone. As Terri was writing the details on the pick-up slip to put with the clothes, Amber looked around at the room. She loved its bright, inviting colours and the little platform with the three-way mirror at one end. Behind the counter were the industrial sewing machines, and Amber noted there was a new seamstress working away with the other two regular seamstresses, also noting the young woman had the most beautiful long hair Amber had seen in years. The woman looked up and smiled at Amber before her eyes darted back to her work. Amber smiled back, and returned her attention back to Terri as she was handed her copy of the invoice.
“I can pay now,” she said. “Although if I get my brother to stop in, he’d pay for them when he picks them up.”
“Smart thinking,” Terri laughed.
“Naw, I’d better pay now. He won’t ever do me any more favours if I do that to him.” Amber took her receipt and headed off to meet Riley in the square a block over. She had been putting off getting those skirts fixed for a while, and Mattie would need his professional wardrobe tuned up for the fall session of university. Amber had button-sewing skills, at best. Sometimes she figured Mattie could do as well with a needle and thread as she could.
Riley was waiting on a bench for her when she arrived in the square, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw him there, wearing faded jeans and a blue short-sleeved cotton button-up. He sported a pair of mirrored shades, and a really nice pair of casual shoes. Amber couldn’t wait to reach him, so that people would know he was her date. He enveloped her in an embrace and kissed her cheek, and then her lips, and she felt like royalty.
“You look nice,” he said, leaning back.
“You, too,” she said, blushing. He grinned and held out his hand and she took it, feeling like a twelve-year-old girl getting invited to the sock-hop by the cutest guy in seventh grade.
“Get your chores done?” he asked as they headed over to the restaurant.
“Just had to drop some stuff off at the alterations shop. And I’m ready to eat. And this time I’m going to eat dessert.”
“You say that now,” Riley said, chuckling. “And like every other time...”
“Nope. I’m definitely trying their lemon and strawberry tart this time.”
“Okay, definitely,” he repeated, nodding, scrunching his nose and looking at her with twinkling eyes.
Marry me, thought Amber.
Not only was Lilla’s aunt going to have a baby, but Barb and Tom gave Amber the news that they were going to have a baby in January, and Amber was both overjoyed and pissed off that her best friend had kept a secret for so long. She began immediately planning a baby shower and picking up cute non-gender-specific baby clothes and items. Barb and Tom weren’t finding out the sex of the baby in advance, so Amber knew she would have more shopping to do when the baby was born, and it didn’t bother her one bit. She couldn’t wait. Although she knew she would miss the girl-nights of wine and pizza for a while, she figured she could give them up for the cause, but made Barb promise they would go back to having them once a month so she could have a baby-break, after the child was born.
Mattie was happy to hear the news. He congratulated the couple the next time they were at Amber’s, and offered Amber’s services for babysitting. When he returned to his empty big house, he stopped and listened for the sounds it had made when they were all boisterous children, but he couldn’t hear anything over the silence.
He sighed and put his folded cane on top of the credenza beside the front door. It was only going to get quieter as Pete and Clo joined the parental life, and probably Amber and Riley. He had to remember he had lots of young people to teach things to, and he didn’t have to pay for any of their diapers or their schooling.
So while others were preparing for babies, Mattie prepared for the fall semester. He got two new pairs of dress shoes, and three new ties. He bought a new waistcoat to give another twist to his suits, and Amber told him that it was ridiculous that the best dressed professor was totally blind. She’d only given him help with colours, but the choosing was his own.
He went through his briefcase, cleaning it out and organising it. He went through his laptop, doing the same there. He sorted out his books for his semester list. He had Braille copies of all of them now, rather than borrowing them from the library. It meant ordering them in and having to wait for the delivery, and then constantly needing to re-sign them out. This way, he could keep any books he used for future semesters. They weren’t cheap, but it was an investment, and he didn’t feel regret at spending money on books. He knew his grandfather would have approved of the books he had chosen to have Braille copies of, though the price was high. The cost of not having his books was more than the price in the catalogue.
Amber checked in on him again, after a few days of not hearing word from him. She found him in his study, hunched over the desk, reading, typing on his laptop, organising, all at once.
“You got your fall term haircut!” Amber said. “A few weeks early.” She walked over to him, admiring his shorter hair.
“Yeah. Is it okay? I went to my usual place, and they assure me it looks cool.”
Amber poked at a wave of hair that looped across his forehead. “I like it. You left some of the flow.”
“Flow?”
“The top isn’t too short. He did a nice job. Is it a he? Oh, wait, it’s Leo, isn’t it? Yeah, he’s good to you. It’s short on the sides and back, though. Not a curl to be seen back there.”
Mattie ran his hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his head a couple of times, feeling the shorter hair under his palm. “I figure I go this short now, I won’t have to go again until Christmas,” he said.
Amber laughed. “Good luck with that. It looks good, though, Bro.” Amber always liked Mattie’s hair longer, probably because when he had been little, he had been so adorable with his loopy cherub hair they left longer for his first years. His mother had cried when they cut it short for school.
“So what have you been up to?” Mattie asked, his hands on a page printed with Braille, his left hand keeping his place on the page, his right hand scanning along the raised print.
“Working. Hanging with Riley. I bought a few baby things for the Baby Barbie.”
Mattie laughed. “By the time that kid comes, you’ll have built it its own house.”
“I brought your stuff over from the alterations shop. It’s on your kitchen table in a bag.”
“Oh, thanks. Sorry I forgot to pick it up.”
“No worries. It was kind of cool, actually, I picked up the stuff and one of the seamstresses, she’s a new one come to work there, anyway, she was going across town to pick up something from the mall on the bus, so I said I’d drive her over. Anyway, I said I’d drive her back, it was no big deal, and she had so much time on her lunch break after planning to take the bus that she agreed to stop for a coffee with me. She was completely worried about paying me back for driving her the whole time. But then we went for coffee, and she... well, she had a green tea, I guess she doesn’t like coffee, either... She and I had a totally interesting conversation.”
“What about?”
“About... a whole bunch of things. She read a lot of books growing up. She said she doesn’t get time to read lately, but she’s hoping to catch up soon. She seemed really smart and creative. I think I’ll text her and see if she wants to meet me again next week for lunch or something. She said she likes to paint, too.”
“Aw, you have a new friend,” Mattie said, putting the paper on the desk and scanning his hand across the top to find another pile of papers.
“I need a new friend, you’ll be back at university, I’ll be alllll alone,” she said, putting on a sad tone.
“Oh, baloney, I’ve barely seen you all summer,” Mattie said. “You and your fair Riley.”
“I’ve hung out with you!” Amber protested.
“I’m just razzing you,” Mattie said. “I’m glad you have a new friend. Maybe your girly wine nights won’t need to be cancelled after all.”
“Oh, yeah! I didn’t even think of that,” Amber replied. “Good thought, Bro. So, what are you doing, anyway?”
“Just going through some of this stuff. I want to keep on top of it better, and so I’ve devised a better system.”
Amber looked around at the mess on the desk and around his chair. “Oh, yeah, that looks like a way better system.”
Mattie’s expression was not that of amusement. “I’m not there yet,” he said defensively. “Stop dissin’ my plan.”
“I’m sure it will be... fine... do you need any help?” Her comment turned into a question in one sentence.
“No. You can’t tell me what any of these pages are anymore than I can tell you what your notes say.”
Amber looked at the embossed pages, completely blank but for the raised bumps she couldn’t fathom being able to read with her eyes or her fingers.
“Yeah. You’re right about that.” She looked around at their surroundings. All the printed books Mattie had all along the walls on two sides of the room still kept their place in his study. She never really knew why he hadn’t gotten rid of them, or why he’d Brailled the titles and authors on the spines. There were many things he’d gotten rid of, knowing he’d never use them again, but the books remained. They were important to him, and Amber never pushed him on the subject either way since the day she found him labelling them the year before.
“Riley has to go away for work for five days,” Amber said.
“Oh no,” Mattie said. “The great divide of the great love.”
“Well, I guess there’s always Skype. Right? I shouldn’t be this into him this soon. I don’t want to be one of those girls.”
“You feel right. Didn’t you always tell me it would feel right when it was right?”
“Well... yeah, but you never really accept if your mind tells you something but you ignore it. I think I was speaking in platitudes.”
“Oh, great, well, thanks for that,” Mattie said.
“No, I still believe it,” Amber corrected him. “I’m just saying that sometimes you think you are in the right place, but you know you aren’t and you ignore that little part of you.”
“So is there anything you are ignoring?” Mattie asked. “Simple as that. Is there one thing at all that bothers you? Makes you wonder?”
Amber tried to give an answer but her mind was blank. “No, there are really isn’t... I mean, I’m still getting to know him... I’m not going to be all like, let’s move in and be married and be together every minute. I’ve been too independent for too long to want to give up my life.”
“Yeah... and you don’t want to get too far in that direction, either.”
“You’re one to talk,” Amber said. Mattie said nothing. “I guess I’m just really happy right now. I like being with him, he makes me feel really... happy, and special. I’ve met his mother on Skype and I’ve met a couple of his friends, and they all seem like genuinely nice people with good things to say about him. I met his co-worker camera guy and they have a good relationship, too. It just seems all good.”
“Well,” Mattie said. “Then relax. I think you deserve to be happy, and I like Riley. Mum told me she thinks he’s, and I don’t use this lightly, quite charming. She kind of giggled like a schoolgirl when she said it. I gathered she thinks your fair Riley is kinda cute.”
Amber laughed. “Well, she’s right about that. He is cute.”
“So... have you just come over to gloat about your cute and perfect boyfriend and your new bestie?”
“Don’t you dare say that anywhere near Barb. I didn’t say she was my new bestie. Besides, you’re just jealous.”
Mattie smiled weakly. He knew he was jealous.
“Well, you never know, Little Brother. You’ve got a new school year ahead. Maybe there will be a girl in the office next to yours, and you can ask to borrow her pencil sharpener.”
“What would I need a pencil sharpener for?” Mattie asked.
“To sharpen pencils, Dummy. And also to meet women.”
“Does my face plainly show disgust? Because I want it to.”
“Oh, yeah. Yup, you got that down pretty clear. I’m just saying, Xav, you don’t know what’s ahead of you—and please. I already know your fast quip to that, so don’t. You do not know the future. You can’t say for sure that she’s not going to be the new professor of K-Tel Records Compilation album studies or the new course on the design of polka-dots in history and you’ll need her pencil sharpener to break the ice so you can discuss your poncey professor stuff together.”
“No, remember, I’m not dating colleagues.”
“As far as I can see, you’re not dating anyone.”
“As far as I can see, you’re not dating anyone, either,” Mattie said. “So that’s relative.”
“I wish you weren’t so quick,” Amber said. “How many jokes about being blind can you run in an hour?”
“You keep feeding me set-up lines, I’ll be here all night,” Mattie replied.
Amber groaned, shaking her head. He infuriated her and amused her way too often and with too much pleasure. She never knew whether to laugh or just smack him.
Instead, she invited him to go to the beach the following day, and Mattie took her up on her offer. After their light-hearted bickering, Amber told him she’d bring him over some supper later, and left him contentedly organising his desk. She had no intentions of ever letting him off easy about his stubbornness, or his denial that he would ever find anyone that would love him the way he needed and wanted. She wouldn’t break her promise that she wouldn’t set him up. But she never promised that she wouldn’t encourage something to happen if it looked like something might. She just had to be careful about how she went about it, carefully avoiding anything that went against the wording he had used to make her promise. She wasn’t his big sister for nothing. She’d had to work to outsmart him the whole time growing up, and she’d learned a few tricks that still worked.
If she could find someone, if Peter and Barb could find someone, then Mattie could find someone. He was the best one of them, she thought to herself. It would just take someone with the right eyes to see it and the right heart to feel it.
Small Mercies Chapter 57, a romance fiction | FictionPress
The following night, Mattie headed over to Amber’s to hear about Peter and Chloë’s honeymoon. She was making a strawberry salad and stuffed chicken breasts and new potatoes and they would be eating out on the verandah. Mattie helped her to carry some things outside, but she plunked him down at the kitchen table with a Coke to talk to her while she prepared the salad.
“So what did you think of Riley?” she asked him.
“Wait, he didn’t stay over, did he?” Mattie asked, pretending to be shocked.
“No, he did not stay over... He stayed pretty late... but he didn’t stay over. So?”
Mattie nodded. “I approve,” he said. “He seems like a decent, intelligent, easy-going guy. And, as we’ve stated, he’s attractively put together... And I detect a good portion of irony in his manner, which, as you know, I am quite particular about.”
“You’re weird,” Amber replied.
“He seems like a good guy, Amber. From the times I got to talk to him, I liked him. And I get the feeling he likes you a lot, too.”
“Really? Why, what did he say?”
Mattie laughed, taking a gulp of pop. “Nothing in particular. He just acts like a guy that likes a girl, that’s all. He wanted embarrassing family stories about you. Don’t worry, I gave away nothing. I only can do that when you’re there, to really make the embarrassment much more heartfelt.”
“Thanks for that,” she said, not sounding thankful.
“If I could have seen him, I’m sure he was just staring off at you all afternoon, those little hearts bubbling up over his head as he sighed and mooned over you.”
Amber’s response was a disgruntled sound from the back of her throat.
“So? When are we seeing him again?” Mattie asked, an annoyingly peppy tone to his voice.
“He’s taking me out to see Horrible Bosses. We couldn’t get tickets for the new Harry Potter movie. Totally sold out all week.”
“This is pretty serious,” Mattie said. “You guys actually seem to really like to be together.”
“I know! Both of us! At the same time!”
“Well, congratulations,” Mattie said, a smile on his lips. “I’m very happy for you.”
Everything was practically ready when Peter and Chloë arrived, bearing gifts and photos and a couple of bottles of wine. They drank the wine and ate the food, laughing and catching up as they did so. Chloë had put the photos onto a digital frame so that they could flip through them like a photo album, and as Amber looked through them, Peter and Chloë told them about their trip, referring to the photos as their story itinerary. Mattie heard the story behind each photo Amber looked at, and Peter and Chloë took turns describing the events and situations in the pictures.
Everything was practically ready when Peter and Chloë arrived, bearing gifts and photos and a couple of bottles of wine. They drank the wine and ate the food, laughing and catching up as they did so. Chloë had put the photos onto a digital frame so that they could flip through them like a photo album, and as Amber looked through them, Peter and Chloë told them about their trip, referring to the photos as their story itinerary. Mattie heard the story behind each photo Amber looked at, and Peter and Chloë took turns describing the events and situations in the pictures.
Amber poured another glass of wine for everyone, and Peter rolled a joint to smoke before they cleared the table and headed inside to continue looking at the photos and telling stories. Mattie was enjoying their tales from the road, and he loved how much he laughed when he was with Peter, Chloë, and his sister. He’d missed the couple for the weeks they had been away, and he realised how much he relied on Peter’s friendship.
Amber and Chloë, discussing Amber’s new flame, went to the kitchen to make coffee and tea, and Peter and Mattie settled into a relaxed silence as they finished their wine.
“So...” said Peter. “You have chickens.”
“Yup,” said Mattie.
“You’re going to be a gentleman farmer?”
“Takes more than four chickens,” said Mattie.
Peter nodded, agreeably. After a moment, he added, “You should get a goat.”
“A goat? Why do I need a goat.”
Peter shrugged. “Why do you need chickens?”
Mattie furrowed his brows in his friend’s direction.
“A goat gives milk. And you could get rid of all your garbage easily.”
Mattie laughed, and shook his head. “I think I’m good with chickens and cats, thank you.”
“Maybe a mule...” Peter mused. He grinned when he saw Mattie’s reaction, but kept the smile from his voice. “So you’d have something as stubborn as you to deal with.”
Mattie tried to give him his best glare, holding in his own smile as much as possible. Their relationship had always been based on much mutual derision and razzing, and the fact that it hadn’t changed after Mattie’s accident had kept their friendship strong. Peter had never stopped teasing Mattie, and Mattie never became bitter and too sensitive to take some ribbing. Chloë had, at first, been concerned about Peter’s teasing, but when she realised Mattie could dish it as much as he could take it, she stopped being upset and started enjoying their interaction, almost as much as they did.
They decided they would get the sailboat out the following week, once the forecasted rain was out of the way. They were discussing places to take day-trips to on the river when Amber and Chloë returned with coffee and tea pots.
“Oh, yay!” said Chloë said gleefully, sitting beside Peter, a grin on her face. Peter winked back at her. He knew he was a lucky man.
Mattie was glad they would get the sailboat out, too. He enjoyed the feeling of being on the water, following the wind, feeling the pull of the tide under his hand. And despite nearly plunging himself overboard and spraining his wrist the previous summer, he was ready to take a day adventure of sailing up the river.
They got the sailboat moored in the water, but the first trip Mattie had on the river wasn’t in the sailboat. He was propositioned the following Friday night by Amber and Riley, who had come over to visit after they returned home from dinner.
“So, Xav,” Riley said, taking the beer Mattie offered him and sitting in the hanging basket chair under Mattie’s verandah roof. “Have you ever kayaked before?”
Mattie sat back on the swinging bed, his brows knit in response to the question. “Kayaked? No. I haven’t, actually.”
“You think you could?” Riley asked him curiously, giving Mattie the option of deciding for himself.
Mattie shrugged, intrigued at the suggestion. “I don’t know, maybe. Getting in one might be a struggle. Why?”
“I thought you might like to come with us up to the Cape. We can take a tour around the Rocks while the tide is up, and then walk around them when the tide goes out. I have a kayak, but we can rent a couple up there.”
“I didn’t take you for a kayak guy,” Amber said to Riley. “But I think it sounds cool. I think you could do it, Xav, no problem. If, like you say, we can get you into one. We’ll just pick you up and slide you in if we have to.”
Mattie turned to her. “Have you ever gone in a kayak?” he asked her.
“Once,” she replied. “It wasn’t hard, you’re kind of balanced level with the water so it doesn’t feel as high up as a canoe. I think you’d enjoy it.”
“Wow,” Mattie said, thinking about it. “I guess... I mean, I guess I could try.”
“You swim, don’t you?” Riley asked him.
He nodded. “Yeah. I’m a good swimmer, as long as I know which way is up, and which way is land.”
Riley nodded. “Well... we’ll figure it out and keep you safely pointed in the right direction.” He glanced at Amber. “If you trust me,” he added. “I’ve never guided anyone before. I mean, anyone with a visual impairment.”
Amber snorted, and Riley looked between the siblings before he realised Mattie was playing with him.
“Oh, jeez,” he said. He didn’t know if he should chuckle or not.
Mattie grinned, his gaze lowered to somewhere near Riley’s knees. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
Amber smiled at Riley, and he released a chuckle.
“Ever know a blind person before?” Mattie asked kindly.
“Nope. Well, I mean, my great grandfather was when he was old... old people, I guess.”
Mattie nodded. “Yeah, and I guess they probably weren’t out kayaking.”
“Nope,” Riley said, laughing.
“Well, I can’t say it’s going to be easy. But you’re right, we’ll figure it out. Just hope you have lots of patience. Right, Am?”
“Just takes a little perseverance,” Amber said, smiling at her brother. Riley had already won more of her heart; it had been his suggestion to ask Mattie to join them. She knew Riley liked her brother already, but he wanted to figure out how to relate and engage with him without coming out looking like, in Riley’s words, a doofus dorkus. Amber had assured him he’d be comfortable with Mattie in no time. She was glad her brother was a teacher, because he never made anyone feel stupid for not knowing but wanting to learn, either about a book, or about how to deal with his disability—as long as they didn’t make him feel stupid for not being able to see.
“I think you’ll like it,” Riley said. “Amber told me about your sailing and wall climbing and the zip-lining.”
Mattie rubbed at his mouth, slightly embarrassed. “She likes to tell stories,” he said.
“Yeah, only stories that are true,” Amber said truthfully.
Riley just smiled. He was already starting to realise that everything Amber had told him about her brother wasn’t an exaggeration.
Mattie scratched his chin. “Yeah, I’ll give it a go. It doesn’t sound so perilous. As long as I’m not intruding on your date.”
“Nope, I actually figured the three of us might have a good time out together. So it was never just me and Amber on this one.”
Mattie nodded, a smile on his lips. He wasn’t an add-on invitation; that meant something to him. It also meant something for Amber, he thought. If someone who wanted to get to know her family, her brother, that guy was really into her. Mattie was happy for Amber, and he hoped it worked out for her this time. It was never fun when he didn’t like her boyfriends, just like it wasn’t fun when she disliked his girlfriends.
Kayaking. That was something different, altogether. Mattie knew what kayaking looked like, and it did seem like something he could handle, provided he didn’t end up in rapids somewhere. That was something he didn’t imagine ending in a happy way. But along the calm waters on a nice day at the Cape, that seemed doable, seemed being the operative word.
They went up the coast in Riley’s car, and Mattie, sitting in the back, was his usual silent self before taking himself out of his comfort zone. Amber looked back at him and then smiled at Riley. She knew Mattie needed to be in his own head, ramping himself up to do this. The only issue came from him usually trying to talk himself out of whatever it was he was going to try. She would not let him do that, not unless she thought he might get hurt. His pride, however, could take a jab or two, because in the end, it would get the boost he needed to try the next thing. She knew how much success swung him forward.
She also knew it would take some prompting to get him to join the conversation. And if he didn’t say something soon, she figured Riley would start thinking she’d been lying about how easy-going Mattie was. Mattie was moody. She understood it. She was used to it. But Riley had only met Mattie a couple of times.
“Xav and I looked up all the tidal times this morning,” she said, bringing him in without directly addressing him. “So we know we can walk on the sand out to the flower pot rocks when we get there and then kayak around them after 3. That is so cool.”
“Yeah, I’ve gone up a few times, and it’s a really interesting trip. They usually have a lot of the Parks Kayaks out there. They are two-person ones, Xav, and if you want, we can get one of those instead.”
Mattie, who had been listening despite what Amber thought, lifted his gaze a bit. “I think I want to try my own... unless you think it’d probably be better to double up.”
Riley shook his head, glancing in the review mirror at Mattie. “No, no. I just want you to be comfortable. You and Amber both. It’s your first time and all.”
“Second,” Amber said. “I’m a seasoned novice.”
“Right. The old pro beginner.”
Amber chuckled. Riley grinned at her, and she felt herself goosebump a little inside. She looked out the window and then turned to describe where they were to Mattie.
The drive was fairly long, and parts of it wound through a national park. Amber told Mattie about an eagle’s nest along the way she spotted, and a circle of what she deemed were turkey vultures way above them. She told him about the colour of the ocean when she could see it, and how many clouds were in the sky. She described the changes in the rock faces beside the highway, where there were distinct lines of time etched between the colours in the rocks. They drove through a small community, past a little gas station and a cheery-looking diner. Amber told Mattie the highlights before turning back to Riley.
“What are the chances we’ll see fish under us?” she asked.
“What kind of fish are you hoping to see?” he replied. “Or not see, if that’s the case.” He knew he meant Amber, but as soon as he said it, he knew it came out sounding like he meant Mattie. He knew if he apologised, it would draw attention to it immediately. He looked at Amber, and when he did, he hoped she didn’t think he was being brash, because she looked for an instant like she mirrored his own face.
Amber, on the other hand, saw the shock that had come over Riley’s face, and immediately knew he hadn’t meant it to sound like he heard it. She gave him a very quick smile, and in the tiny moment of time that had passed, she’d already begun to fix it.
“Well, I don’t want to see anything big,” she said. “Unless it’s an otter. I can deal with an otter. But if we sail over some weird big black shape that’s six feet long, I’m gonna paddle so fast, you won’t ever catch up.”
And to Riley’s relief, he heard a soft chuckle from the back seat.
“What I do want to see,” continued Amber. “Would be, and I think I speak for both Xav and myself here, a starfish, a glow-in-the-dark jellyfish, a ray, and a sea-lion.”
“Uh-huh,” said Riley, back on his game. “Well, I’m not sure how well we will do at your checklist there, but... I’ll do my best to call the beasts and birds and creatures of the sea to our side, okay?”
“Deal,” said Amber. “No, wait, just those ones I said. Not the scary ones.”
Mattie had laughed, and the smile still set upon his face when Amber and Riley glanced back.
He’d be okay, Amber thought to herself. He wasn’t in a mood at all. He was quiet and he was nervous, but he wasn’t feeling negative. There was nothing bitter in any of his responses, and that, to Amber, meant that he was getting better at setting himself up to conquer, not already putting himself down to defeat, which had been his go-to method.
“Xav and I went to the Aquarium and science centre, or whatever they call it, the one in Halifax. Did you ever go there? They have a touch-tank and everything. We touched starfish and... what were those squidgy things, Xav?”
“Sea cucumbers,” he said, remembering the feel of them under his hands.
“Yeah, right. Eurgg!”
Riley laughed at her expression. “Well, we may see one of those, how about that.”
“Eurggg!” said Amber and Mattie in unison.
When they arrived, Mattie was glad that they would be walking first; he really wanted to stretch out his legs.
“Should I take my cane?” he asked Amber. “It’ll just get caught on the sand and rocks and just be annoying as shit. Maybe I’ll leave it. Is it relatively smooth?”
“The beach is fine, Xav, you won’t need it there, but you might want it for the stairs. There’s a few sets of stairs to get down. Metal ones. Two railings. Pretty safe looking. It’s up to you, though.”
The last thing Mattie wanted to do was carry a whole array of necessities on a nice walk on the ocean floor, but he weighed the possible outcomes. He reached back into the car and retrieved the cane.
“I’d better take it,” he said. “I’ll stick it in my waistband when I get down there. I really don’t want to carry it, but I don’t feel right not taking it.”
Amber nodded, touching his hand. “Sounds good to me,” she said as he took her elbow.
The place was busy; many people were out for the sun and the beautiful attraction that the weathered and water-formed rocks made. Riley paid an admission to the Parks Department and they went through the little gate. Amber was glad Mattie had brought the cane: it cleared people right out of their path.
“Do you want me to read the plaque to you, Xav? Or plaques... I guess there are a few.”
“Nah, I know the history. Let’s just go down.”
“Let’s go down,” Amber echoed, and headed to the metal stairs leading to the beach. She gave Mattie the railing and went past, going down just ahead of him.
“Oh, Mattie, I forgot how big everything was. We haven’t been here since we were kids. Were you? I haven’t. It’s like walking under islands. I guess it is walking under islands. Almost like a Salvador Dali painting. Can you picture that? Little islands all standing way up on pillars? Some are bigger islands with two pillars. Oh, there are birds on one of them. Cormorants, I think?”
“Yeah, about two dozen of them,” said Riley, behind Mattie on his left.
“How many people?” Mattie asked, feeling the people passing by them going back up the stairs.
“It’s a crowd for our standards. But in comparison to a hot Canada Day on Parliament Hill, it’s wide open spaces and quiet time. Okay. We’re at the bottom. Okay, last step, Xav. Here’s my arm.” Mattie had stopped to fold his cane, but Amber prompted him, because people were behind him on the stairs. She got him out of the way and he finished folding the cane and sticking it in the waistband of his khaki shorts. He put his hand back out, waiting for Amber’s arm.
They strolled toward one of the towering rocks, Amber telling Mattie about the different water marks, both recent and long-etched. When they reached the rock, Amber pulled Mattie’s hand from her elbow and placed it against the surface. Mattie put up his other hand, feeling the rock under his fingers, and Amber looked straight up the side, giving him her point of view.
“How high up is it?” Mattie asked, his gaze following his question towards the sky.
Amber frowned, squinting her eyes as she looked up. “Geez, Xav, I don’t know. Uh... Riley? How tall are the rocks?”
“I cheated,” said Riley. “I read the information sign. It said they’re between forty and seventy feet tall.”
Mattie let his gaze drop back down, concentrating on the stone under his hand. “Can we walk around the base?”
Amber nodded, looking at Riley. “Of course,” she said. “This one isn’t the biggest around, but you keep your hand on it and we’ll go around it. The one over there next to us has a sort of tunnel in it where the two rocks almost touch. They are against each other at the top. The bases are wider than the middle, just below the flower pot part on the top. Kind of like a mushroom.”
Mattie nodded, visualising it. In his mind, it began as a large rock topped with green, but it soon changed to a cartoon mushroom, red with white spots, and he grinned.
“What are you thinking of?” Amber asked him.
“Nothing. I’m just picturing it.” He continued to follow the rock under his hand, and it was a while before Amber announced to him they’d gone the whole way around. He appreciated her making this mostly visual tourist experience tactile for him. She was getting so good at it, he thought to himself, proud of his sister.
She took his hand from the rock and put it back to her elbow and they walked along the sand together. Riley reached over and took her other hand, and she smiled, feeling her heart swell up again with the excitement of love.
“How far out are we?” Mattie asked. “Are there more rocks further out? Is the tide coming back in yet?” He kept the questions coming, and Amber and Riley did their best to give him answers as they walked across the ocean floor.
After they had explored places they could get to with the tide still out, they headed back toward the way they had come, toward the stairs. It was snack time, Amber said, referring to the things she’d packed in the cooler in the car.
“Does she always bring sandwiches, Xav?” Riley asked, remembering to address Mattie so he knew he was the one being spoken to. In this case, he was quite sure Mattie knew already, but he wanted to make it a habit, so he didn’t always forget when there were more people around to throw Mattie off.
Mattie nodded, as if resigned to a lost cause. “Yep. She does. But you’d be surprised how actually glad you’ll be when you’ve walked up an appetite and she pulls that cooler out.”
“Can’t say you’re wrong there, Xav,” Riley said, and Mattie laughed.
Amber waited for the bottom of the stairway to be clear before setting Mattie up in front of the bottom step. He pulled his cane back out and let it drop open, making sure it was tightly locked in place. Amber took his hand off her elbow and took his right hand and put it on the railing. He began the climb, and once again, Amber moved in front of him, with Riley falling into the rear. There was a longer platform between the three sets of stairs, and one was on a forty-five-degree angle from the first, so she wanted to keep him from tripping up by giving him a heads up.
When he’d moved to the second set of steps, he heard someone below them on the first say, “What would he get out of coming here?” And the reply was worse, “Maybe he’s happy just to get out.”
His life was not so sheltered, simple, and pathetic that going out as a tag along and not even be able to enjoy the activities would make him happy. He had plenty to engage him and make him happy. He hated people that presumed his life was secondary to the lives of the people he was with. He tried to silence the echo of their conversation in his mind.
“Last flight,” Amber said as he swept his cane in front of him and didn’t locate a step. He walked three steps to find the last set and Amber turned sideways. “What’s that face for? You look perturbed. I didn’t see what happened; did I not give you good direction there?”
“Yeah,” Mattie said. “It was fine. It was nothing. Are we at the top?” He could hear the voices around him again so he knew they were back at the landing.
“Yup. Here, my elbow. Back to the car. I even have cheese and apples.”
Mattie smiled, pushing the sunglasses back up his nose. “Lead on,” he said, locating her arm.
Amber and Riley got Riley’s kayak down from the rack on the roof of the car. Mattie stood next to the front bumper, surrounded with gear. The plan was, Amber and Mattie would carry the gear, Riley would take the kayak, and they’d head down through the entrance down by the rental place. When they had deposited the kayak and the gear, which Mattie would guard, they’d head up to rent the other two kayaks and bring them down. Once this was done, Mattie, who had been sitting beside the cooler in the sand putting sunscreen on his face and arms, stood up and turned toward the sound of Riley and Amber as they lay down the small craft.
“Can you maybe show me what’s what on one of these?” he asked them.
“Sure thing, Xav,” said Riley, and Mattie took a step toward his voice. “Here,” said Riley, using that often-used, indefinite description. “Give me your hand a sec.” He caught Mattie’s hand and Mattie squatted down beside him as Riley put his hand on the kayak. Mattie put both hands on the boat and followed the lines, and Riley stepped back and told him everything he was touching, and what it was for.
“Pretty basic, Xav,” said Riley. “Those cords you’re touching are for any gear you’re carrying. We don’t need to carry anything, but you can carry quite a bit on these things if you want to. That’s all there is to the seat there. You can just slide down in there and you’re pretty comfortable, more than you’d expect.”
Mattie finished exploring the craft and stood up. Amber pressed the paddle into his arm and he took it from her, checking it out as he had the kayak. One end of the paddle was slanted one way and the other end was opposite, to get the best pull from both sides. It might be a challenge to find the sweet spot but he knew he’d try until he did. It all seemed less complicated than he had originally suspected.
“Okay, Xav, I think the best way for us to do this is for us to put your kayak right on the edge of the water and you can get in there. That way, it’s steady, and you can take your time. The tide’s on its way in now. Amber and I will slide you out and then Amber will go next and I’ll pull her out and then I can get in in the water. You find your balance and get comfortable. There’s nothing to run into and the water is nice and calm, just creeping in with each little wave. It’s your perfect day.”
He sounded so confident that Mattie’s nervousness turned more towards anticipation. He felt Amber tugging on the belts on his life jacket, fixing the one he’d missed, and he put on the lightweight helmet Riley had given him, securing the strap on it. Everyone was always made sure they were keeping Mattie’s head from any more injuries on these adventures.
“Okay. I’m ready,” Mattie said. “Someone give me a hand.”
Riley took the paddle from him and Amber moved in to give extra help. Mattie once again felt the seat within the kayak, and the opening around it, trying to figure out his steps to getting in. He stood up once more and stepped to the kayak until his shins were against it.
“Okay, Bro,” Riley said. “Give me your hand here, and I’ll just support you while you step in. Here, Am, wanna take his other hand?”
Amber was there in a second, and grasped his right hand as he felt Riley’s strong grip take his outstretched left hand over the kayak. He put his trust in them both and lifted his left foot, feeling the kayak with his toes to find his seat. One foot was simple. But the transition to standing on that foot and taking his weight off his right leg was not so easy. He lifted his foot twice and tried, and the other two attempted to shift him into the kayak but he didn’t feel sturdy enough to make it all the way.
“Uh... Okay, Xav,” said Riley, a new plan ready. “Lower yourself so you’re not standing... more like crouching. That way your centre of balance is lower and it won’t feel so tippy. Once you’re halfway in, just start sliding that foot, your left foot, down into the bow and drop yourself in. You’re not going anywhere, you can’t fall down because you’re already on the ground.” He lowered his hand as Mattie crouched more, and once again slid his foot into the boat. He was almost sitting before he got his other leg over, and Amber helped him to guide his foot in.
“You did it, Xav,” Riley said. “You ready to hit the surf? Here’s your paddle.” He put the paddle into Mattie’s hands and he and Amber pulled the kayak into the edge of the bay. Amber pulled her own kayak to the water, watching Riley help Mattie get situated. It didn’t take him long to figure out the paddling rhythm and how to manoeuvre the kayak. Riley came over and held Amber’s kayak in the water as she climbed in, and she paddled over to where Mattie was practicing.
“Hey,” she said, giving him the heads up that she was approaching.
“Hey,” he replied. “Am I doing this right?”
“You look good, Little Brother. Here comes Riley. Are you comfortable? You’re not nervous, are you?”
Mattie shook his head. “No. As long as it stays calm like this,” he said. “I’m good. How about you? You okay over there?”
Amber laughed. “I’m good. I think I can do this!”
“You got this one, Sister!” he replied with a grin.
“All right, Xav,” said Riley, coming up beside Mattie. “We’re going to head back to the cove where those standing rocks are. There are a few all along here, once we get going. We won’t stay too close around those ones, but we’ll head back over to the ones we walked around, okay?”
“Okay,” he answered. “How far up are we going to be? Can I reach out and touch any higher than I did standing up?”
Riley chuckled. “Yup. You bet.”
“Really? Even though I’m sitting?”
“You’ll probably be still higher up.”
“Wow.”
“Are you taller than seven or eight feet?”
“Really?”
“Probably. Maybe. We’ll find out. Okay, so, just start paddling there, we’ll just be alongside you a ways away.”
Amber was impressed. Riley gave good instructions, and he seemed to remember to give details. She got the feeling it wasn’t a bother to him to have to explain things differently and with more detail and instruction. She felt that little shiver of attraction in her stomach and chest again, and she knew she probably had that goofy love-struck look plastered on her face. But she liked him. And she just kept liking him more and more.
They paddled easily along as the tide continued to come in. Mattie liked how he could feel the water around him, sitting low in his kayak, pulling against its weight. The sound of the paddles cutting through the water was rhythmic and gave him the exact location of the other two kayaks. It felt so organic to him; he was a part of his surroundings more than he ever had been. He remembered seeing as just being an observer to his world. He’d lost the ability to observe and gained the feeling of being a part of everything around him. It was one of those things that he found to be a surprising benefit to blindness. It didn’t exist until he touched it, or heard it and could locate it in the space around him, or smelled it. And once it showed itself to him, it was a part of him. No more being an observer.
“I hear people,” Mattie said, turning his head.
“They’re not near us,” Amber said. “Don’t worry.”
“I just don’t want to ram some other kayak like a Napoleonic warship,” Mattie said.
Riley chuckled and Amber grinned at him. “No, Xav, you won’t. But we are coming to the flower pot rocks again.”
Mattie stopped paddling, for a moment worried he would slam into the rock.
“No, sorry, Xav, we’re still about twenty feet away. Keep paddling.”
Mattie imagined twenty feet and found he had a hard time picturing the distance. Instead, he realised he was feeling the distance by walking it in his imagination. Twenty feet was tactile, not visual. How many paddles was twenty feet? He couldn’t really make a fair judgement to calculate his speed. If he knew that, he could probably figure out how to calculate the distance per paddle and therefore the distance to the rocks.
Right now, though, travelling slowly, he had to listen to Riley and Amber’s directions. He had a feeling they were giving him an obstacle course to pass when he bounced off a rock somewhere on the front of his kayak at the same time as Riley hailed him to woah back.
“Aw, jeez, Amber, will you still like me if I kill your brother? I’m sorry, Xav. I forgot I’m supposed to be steering.”
“It’s okay. I’m not damaged, am I? And am I in danger of hitting anything else?”
Riley swung around and inspected Mattie’s craft. “No, you’re good, everything’s fine. We just clipped the side of the far rock. You didn’t hit very hard, and we’re around it now. Okay, about... ten more strokes and then halt and take it from there.”
Mattie did as Riley instructed, and before long, he was alongside the same standing rock he’d been touching earlier in the day.
“You can lean out, you won’t tip over,” Riley told him. “There you go. There’s your rock.”
Mattie’s hand slid along the surface of the rock.
“How far up are we? Near the top?”
“Nope. We’re a long ways up from where we were, but there’s quite a bit of height to these things.”
“Are there trees on the top?” Mattie asked.
“There are some, yep. Holding onto their ground. Here, try to touch the bottom with your paddle.”
Amber leaned over to see if she could see the sand below them but she couldn’t distinguish anything to tell her if she could see bottom or not.
Mattie pushed one end of his paddle as far down as he could without losing his balance. The paddle wasn’t especially long, and he wasn’t surprised that he couldn’t reach bottom. He touched the rock surface again, listening to their voices nearby before pushing off and putting his paddle back across in front of him.
“How far up where we walked has the water come?” Mattie asked.
“Remember the bottom set of stairs?” Amber said.
“Yeah.”
“Gone.”
“Shit, really? That much? But we walked a long way to the rocks.”
“That’s what I’m sayin’,” said Amber. “The tide is huge, right?”
“Well, I know it is. But it really...” He didn’t know how to explain. He knew the tide was the highest climbing in the world, but the walk from the staircase to the rocks was long, and the water had climbed the rocks so far he couldn’t reach where he had stood. It was tactile. He could see it without seeing it.
Amber caught his expression as his words dropped away. He didn’t look wistful or gutted. He looked content and fully aware. He looked happy. He looked like he was at complete peace with the world.
Small Mercies Chapter 56, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Peter and Chloë were back just in time for Mattie’s party which was held the Saturday evening after his actual birthday, which was Tuesday. Amber cleaned her house, in case the weather turned and the party had to be inside, but she planned on a barbeque and games of horseshoes and croquet. She found a little beeper that could be placed at the iron post so Mattie could play, too. There was a good group coming, she’d invited all Mattie’s band members as well as their partners. The Garnets were leaving their two kids at friends’ houses, and James Howes was bringing his new fiancé. Barbie and Tom were coming, as were Jonah, Lynne and Lilla. It wouldn’t be so many people for Mattie to feel distracted or overwhelmed, and Mattie was comfortable and completely at ease with the invitees, so Amber knew he would have a good time.
Amber relented in letting her brother come over before anyone arrived. She looked at the balloons she’d tied up, and knew the surprise of her preparations would be kept until the party. She stopped, making a face.
“He can’t even see them then, anyway,” she said out loud. “What was I thinking?” She walked from the living room to a cupboard in the kitchen and peered inside. She smiled and pulled out five different sets of wind chimes, and took them outside. She hung one on a hook under the veranda roof, and one in the tree near her front steps. She walked across the lawn and put one in the willow tree. Then she walked around to the side of the house and hung another set of chimes by the back door. She hung a set near the picnic tables, and stood, closing her eyes and getting Mattie’s point of view for the decor.
When she opened them again, she saw Mattie coming across the field. She called out to him and he called back in acknowledgement as he continued toward her. He’d wanted to be there when people arrived. Amber knew he just didn’t want his own arrival to be a show for the guests, even though his friends would not see it as a show. Lilla would have run over to meet him to tell him about everything and anything. Everyone invited would just be happy to see their friend and celebrate his birthday. She knew her brother got hung up on his own part in the world sometimes, because his focus was so immediate to himself. He wasn’t able to get out of his own head sometimes, without having that window to the world to focus on.
“Hey, Birthday Dude!” she greeted him, and casually picked up his hand as he let go of the guide rope and tucked it into her elbow. Mattie easily fell into step along with her and Amber slowed as she got to the house, wondering if Mattie could pick up the faint chimes. She stopped him in front of the stairs and let him find his way up to a caned rocker on her veranda.
He didn’t sit down immediately. He turned back around and asked her what she had been doing the early part of the afternoon.
“I just put up some balloons,” she told him. “And made some tables up for the food and stuff near the picnic table. And getting food ready.”
“Why wouldn’t you let me help? I would have come over.”
“No, Hun, it’s your party. I’m not making you get your own birthday party ready. Besides, it didn’t take me that long, really, I just have been puttering all day.”
“You like this sort of thing, anyway, I guess,” Mattie said.
“Sit down, Xav. I’ll bring you a drink. Want a beer? Or a gin and tonic? Or a margarita?”
Mattie shook his head. “Right now, can I just have a lemonade or something just cold?”
“I have pink lemonade,” she said. “I’ll be right back. Want anything else?” she called back as she opened the screen door.
“I don’t think so,” he said, hearing the door shut against the frame. He turned his head, thinking about Amber’s house, his mind meandering aimlessly as his gaze may have done before. His attention was drawn toward his right, in front of him. A tinging in the high part of his right ear, it felt like. He turned, noticing a lower register tinging coming from further to the right, somewhere beyond the veranda.
Amber returned with Mattie’s lemonade and a couple of sugar cookies.
“Thanks. What’s that noise?” he asked her, his face inquisitive.
“What noise?” Amber asked, a little smile on her lips.
“Like... a little...” Mattie concentrated, his right hand in the air as if trying to pluck the sound from it. “A little bell. Bells. In places.”
“They’re your streamers and balloons,” Amber said.
Mattie’s face grew more confused. She’d thrown him right off track with her remark. “How do they make a sound?”
“They’re wind chimes, Xav,” she told him, smiling. “I put them where some of the balloons are. Whaddaya think?”
Mattie listened again, this time with recognition. He grinned at her. “You think of the strangest things.”
“I have to think outside the box. Although there’s not much breeze to make them really chime.”
Mattie listened again. “Thanks, Amber,” he said. It wouldn’t have been less of a party for Mattie without wind chimes, but that little touch for him somehow added a lot he didn’t even know he missed. The chimes made it a little more special, something to fill out his memory of his thirty-fourth birthday.
“So when is the fair Riley coming?” Mattie asked her.
“He’s... are you going to call him that when he gets here?” she asked him back.
“Sure am,” he retorted.
“He’ll be here early. He said he’d get the barbecue going and stuff. He says he is skilled at barbecue events.”
“It’s a man’s place to tend to the grill,” Mattie said, even though he hadn’t barbecued for years.
Amber looked at him but his expression was pleasant. “It’s going to be fun,” she said.
Mattie smiled. “Thanks for all the effort and work you put into this.”
“You know me and celebrations.”
He nodded. “Do I ever.”
They sat talking for a while until Amber saw Riley’s car approaching. He slowed down, checking house numbers and mailboxes, making sure he had the right place. As he turned into the driveway, Amber stood and waved.
“I don’t know all the different models of everything, there are too many nowadays. It’s not a beetle, that’s all I know.”
Mattie could tell she was moving down the steps. He waited, eavesdropping by default. She walked towards the car as the engine was turned off. Mattie heard the door open.
“Hey!” Amber called. “You found it.”
“This is wayyy out in the boonies,” Riley said, his voice playful. “What a beautiful spot. You grew up here?”
Amber pointed towards Mattie’s house. “Over there, we grew up there. That’s my brother’s house, now. This was where my grandfather lived when we were little.”
Riley looked around with interest as they walked toward the house and up the front steps.
“Riley, this is my brother, Matthew. Everyone calls him Xav. Xav, this is Riley Lachan.”
Mattie was standing by this time, and he put out his hand toward Amber’s direction, knowing Riley would be somewhere next to her.
Riley leaned forward and took Mattie’s hand, shaking it firmly and cordially. “Hey, Xav, it’s good to meet you! Amber talks about you a lot; you guys have had some good adventures together, I’ve heard.”
Mattie grinned and shrugged. “What else is there but adventure?” Mattie asked.
Riley nodded. “That’s true. Each day is an adventure if you want it to be. And sometimes when you don’t,” he added. “You guys are lucky to have a place like this, it’s beautiful out here. Nice and peaceful.”
“You live in the city?” Mattie asked.
“Yeah. I’ve been suburban so long that I had to go urban or die a slow death. But this... this is my idea of paradise in the modern world.”
“I can give you a tour of the house, if you want,” Amber said.
“I would love one,” Riley said eagerly. “Xav?” he asked before following Amber in through the screen door.
“Nah, you go, I’ve already had the tour,” Mattie told him. “I’ll just be here.”
He heard Amber telling Riley about different things in the house as they moved inside. He heard the chimes in the tree down on his right, and he could hear the brook further over. A car passed and a couple of kids on bikes went by on the road.
He finished his lemonade as Amber and Riley came back out the screen door.
“Want more lemonade?” Amber asked him. He shook his head, smiling.
“You need me to help with anything?” asked Riley.
“Nope, I think I have everything under control at the moment,” Amber said. “I’m just going to finish bringing some stuff out, you just relax. I’ll call you if I need either one of you.”
Mattie chuckled, and heard Riley sit down in the chair Amber had been sitting in earlier.
“Oh, happy birthday, there, Xav,” Riley said. “I should have said that straight off.”
“Thanks,” Mattie said. “Amber loves any reason to decorate and prepare food.”
“Yeah? I can imagine she goes pretty big over Christmas, huh?”
“It’s both impressive and daunting,” Mattie replied.
“Well... I like holidays, so...”
Mattie smiled. “Good answer,” he said, and he heard Riley laugh. “So, you’re a journalist?” he asked.
“Yeah, I work in at the newspaper right now.”
“That would be an interesting career,” Mattie mused. “I think it would have been something I would have enjoyed. Do you have your own byline?”
“I often do provincial politics. Mostly research right now, though I’m edging in. But I like local good stories, too. I’d like to work for the newscast on TV, though, at some point. Either behind the scenes or as a reporter.”
Mattie nodded, interested. “Well, I think that’s really fantastic.”
“I enjoy it,” Riley said. “Amber tells me you’re an English prof?”
“Yeah. I enjoy that, too.”
“Well, maybe we can compare colons sometime,” Riley said, and he was pleased when he saw the side of Mattie’s mouth curl up in understanding.
“Oh, it would be a pleasure,” he retorted. “Although I do love a well-placed semi-colon.”
Riley laughed. “It’s the apostrophes one must watch out for,” he said.
“Ah, jeez, don’t I know it. If I see a plural with an apostrophe without any possession again, I swear I’m going to go ballistic.”
“Well, in that case, Xav, it’s probably for the best that you can’t see, because on my way here, I saw an ad for a car dealership that said more great Honda’s out back on a huge banner across the parking lot.”
Mattie visibly wilted. “We shall be the last bastion of grammar,” he sighed. “Although I often despair of your contemporaries.”
“Oh, believe me, I have cringed at things I see every day there.”
Amber returned up the stairs, heading inside for a few more things. In a moment, Mattie heard music from the screen door and open window to his left. Amber came back out, the wooden frame of the screen door plunking shut behind her, and she headed back down the stairs.
“She’s a good one,” Mattie said softly when he she was off the stairs.
“She seems like a good one,” Riley returned. He turned to Mattie. “I’ll need stories. Just giving you a heads up, there, so you can think of some good ones that might embarrass her just a little.”
“Now you’re talking my language,” Mattie said, but he held his tongue until he knew more about Amber’s suitor. He knew Amber was head-over-heels for this guy, but someone needed to have an unbiased view of him. Mattie wanted his sister to be treated properly, and he didn’t want her to be let down after getting in too deep. He had to be her protective brother again.
Mattie heard metal clinking together and then the sound of heavy items being tossed on the grass.
“What is she doing now, putting up a tent?” he asked Riley.
“No, she’s got horseshoes.”
“Horseshoes? Oh.” He heard Amber coming back up the steps.
“I figured we could play some horseshoes.”
Mattie nodded. They would all play horseshoes.
A beeping sound came from Amber’s direction. Mattie turned his head, surprised.
“Can you aim for that?” she asked him.
He furrowed his brows. Could he aim a horseshoe at a sound? It seemed pretty far-fetched, but then again, there were things he learned to do that had seemed far-fetched when he’d begun. He remembered the beeping Frisbee.
“I don’t know,” he said honestly.
“Well, if you want to try, this might make it doable.”
He nodded. “Thanks, Amber. It’s a cool idea.”
People began arriving within the hour, and soon, everyone was furnished with drinks. Amber had put enough nibbles out to fill a goat, as Peter described it.
Peter and Chloë had run to Mattie as soon as they had arrived, hugging him and wishing him a happy birthday.
“A honeymoon does a person a world of good,” Peter said. “I’d recommend it to you, Xav.”
“I’ll take that into consideration,” Mattie replied. “You guys have to tell me everything. Amber wants pictures. I want talking, lots of it.”
“You’ll get it, Xav, Amber already invited us for supper tomorrow night for stories.”
“That didn’t take her long,” Mattie said.
“And where did that handsome fella come from?” Chloë asked. “That didn’t take her long, either.”
“She’s been pining for him for quite a while, now,” Mattie told them. “But he seems like a good guy.”
“Bet you’ll grill him good,” Chloë teased him.
Mattie’s cheek tweaked upward, a sly grin on his mouth. “I promise not to hurt him,” he assured her.
The barbecue was underway, and Mattie was enjoying his first beer with his hamburger, when Peter challenged Mattie to a game of horseshoes.
He didn’t do it loudly, nor did he do it to put Mattie in a spot. He was doing it because he wanted to play a game with his friend. The way it should be.
Garnet overheard, and challenged Peter and Chloë as a team against him and Mattie.
“You just picked the losing team,” Mattie said to him, but he was laughing. He was curious now about how much skill it took him to get a horseshoe anywhere close to the iron stake that Peter had pounded into the ground well below the oak and willow trees. He just wished he could do it without an audience.
“You have no faith in either of us?” Garnet asked. “Tough break for me.”
“I just don’t think I am ready for prime time,” Mattie admitted. “Really, unless you guys are all willing to do it blindfolded...” As he said it, a grin came on his face.
“Ah, no, not fair, not fair,” Peter crowed.
“How is it not fair?” Mattie asked, scowling. “That is fairer than anything.”
“Nah, yer all experienced at dis being-in-the-dark thing. I couldn’t hit t’ broad side of a barn with an air-horn attached to ’er, blindfoltet.”
“Why don’t you just get some practice shots in, Xav?” said Chloë, ever-reasonable. “Then you can decide if you want to play partners. And if this helps any, I am an absolute terrible horseshoe tosser.”
“Wait, what?” Peter said, looking at his bride aghast. “You never said you were terrible at dis! Da’s it, she’s over, annulment!”
Chloë smacked her husband on the arm. “Here, Xav. Don’t mind him. Do you want me to line you up?”
Mattie stood up, and Chloë took his beer bottle and put it on the picnic table beside her. She took his paper plate and napkins and put them in the garbage bag beside the table.
“Don’t throw the beer away, I’m not done,” Mattie said.
“Nope, it’s here on the table. You can get more to eat after, when we watch what Peter can do wit’ his magical t’rowing arm,” she said, copying Peter’s accent at the end, loudly, glaring at him, the twinkle in her eyes obvious.
“Okay. Is everyone paying attention to us?” Mattie asked her quietly as she guided him to stand where the others had been standing to throw the horseshoes.
“Nope, they’re all talking and eating.” She turned to glance at the others, and made eye contact with Amber, who looked surprised. She came over, but didn’t make a fuss; she just walked on by to the iron spike and flipped the little switch on the beeper that she’d picked up from the table on the way by.
“Your sister’s putting the beeper at the spike for us,” Chloë informed Mattie. He nodded, not believing for a second that there wasn’t a growing audience.
Chloë, her hands on Mattie’s shoulders, slightly behind him on one side, paced the distance with him to the spike and back, to give him an idea on how far to throw.
Amber, seeing others now looking curiously at the pair as they returned back to their original spot, motioned for everyone to not make him self-conscious, and they graciously continued their conversations and eating, though now keeping their attention on Mattie.
“They’re watching now, aren’t they?” Mattie guessed again. “The beeping is a little attention-grabbing.”
“Don’t worry about them, Xav. This is just our practice run. Just to get your distance in. Don’t worry about aim, okay?” Chloë instructed.
Peter watched his wife proudly. He watched his friend with pride, as well. As much as he teased them both, he had complete confidence and respect for them, and they knew it without question. Peter watched as Chloë held Mattie’s outstretched arm in the direction of the spike, and angled him better.
Mattie swung his hand back and forth twice, the third time he let the horseshoe go, and waited to hear the results.
Thud! There was no clang of iron hitting iron; the horseshoe had landed on the grass somewhere.
“Not bad, Xav, not bad at all. You’re a bit to the right, and... maybe a few feet long. Let’s walk to the shoe and then to the spike again, you can see where it landed and where it needs to go.”
Mattie nodded, letting her once again steer him forward, counting paces. He knelt at the horseshoe, feeling around and locating it with Chloë’s direction. She got him to scoot backward, feeling for the spike to his left. When he stood she turned him to face back where he’d started, and once again they counted the paces. She lined him up once more, and he listened to the beeping, turning his head slightly to find the exact direction. He concentrated more this time, centring himself to the sound of the beep, seeing the beep as distance in his head. He couldn’t hear anyone, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he was concentrating so intensely, or because they had all stopped talking to watch. He measured the distance of the sound of the beep in his brain, a visual coming together in lines like a physics diagram. His toss was gentle but had stamina. He let go of the horseshoe and it sailed straight ahead, once again landing with a thud on the grass.
“Holy...” said Chloë, and Peter hooted. Chloë didn’t say anything else, but she once again guided Mattie forward, stopping at the beeping post in front of him.
“Bend down,” she said, and he reached down and found the iron spike. “Now, look on your right...”
Mattie slid his hand to the right, meeting the cold iron of the horseshoe, not more than forty centimetres from the iron spike. A smile broke out on his face.
“That was close!” he said.
“Damn close,” Chloë agreed, smiling as much as he was.
He picked up the horseshoe and stood up, finding her elbow. “Let’s try one more time.”
“You got it, Champ,” she said, taking him back and positioning him once more.
As he had the previous time, Mattie honed in on the beeping in front of him. He knew the distance, he just had to put it together with how hard he needed to throw the horseshoe. Again, closing his eyes, he could see the lines in his mind, the beeping making the pinpoint his focus was aimed at. If someone could aim and hit the spike using their sight, then it was completely rational that he could aim and hit the beeping spike using his hearing. He took a deep breath and swung his arm back, preparing the launch. It sailed off his fingers toward the mark, and he felt Chloë clutch his arm.
He heard the gratifying sound of the iron hitting iron, and his mouth dropped open as he turned to Chloë.
“You hit it!” she cried out joyfully, and there were other cheers from behind them.
“Did it stay? Or bounce off?”
“Does it matter?” Chloë asked him.
“No, but that answer sounds like it bounced off.”
“It bounced off and landed a little behind. That is a moot point, Xav. You hit it! You aimed for it and you hit it. Like a boss!”
Mattie laughed. She was right. It didn’t matter if the horseshoe wrapped around the post. He’d hit it. Blind.
“Come get your horseshoe,” Chloë said, leading him forward once more. “I think this one’s lucky.”
When they reached the spike, Mattie touched it and then felt behind it. The shoe was only a hand-width away. He smiled again, and picked it up, and to his surprise, there was applause. He laughed, turning, and held the shoe in the air in victory, and they all hooted in cheer.
“I’m out!” He heard Peter say. “My opponent is a horseshoe savant, and my partner apparently has no talent for dis game at all.” By the time Mattie was back to have a drink of his beer, Peter had grabbed him around with one arm and with the other hand, gave Mattie’s hair a rough scrub. “Nice job, Buddy,” he said, pleased at Mattie’s success. He guided Mattie’s hand to the beer, and they both sat back down.
“I’m glad you’re on my team,” said Garnet. “I take back the whole no faith in our abilities comments.”
“That’s amazing,” said Garnet’s wife. “Wow, Matthew. You are on fire!”
“I think I need more sustenance,” Mattie said.
“Want me to get you another hamburger?” Chloë asked him.
“And a beer,” added Peter.
Mattie almost turned them down, almost said No, I can get it. But though that was true, he’d forgotten how much longer that would take, what mess it could create, and its potential for burns. He got to his feet nonetheless.
“Sit,” Chloë said to him.
“I’ll help,” Mattie told her, and reached out his hand, letting her know not to contradict him.
Everyone else was topped up, so they continued to the barbecue and the food table. Chloë put Mattie’s hand on the large, open cooler, and he bent down and felt over cans and various bottles. He recognised the beer bottles and pulled out two.
“Want anything?” he asked her. “A cooler?”
“I’ll take that cooler your left hand is on... that’s it. Thanks, Xav. Okay, so what do you want on your burger?”
Mattie moved around to stand next to her at the table. He heard her opening the pickle jar, the sound was unmistakable. He smiled. “You already know,” he said, nodding.
He heard her laugh. “How about ketchup or mustard?”
“Both.”
“Here,” she said, picking up his hand and dropping a dill pickle into it as she sliced another to put on his hamburger.
He crunched on it, and felt her brushing napkins on his wrist. He took them and wiped his hand before picking up the two beer bottles in one hand and tucking the cooler in his elbow. Chloë carried the plate back to the table with Mattie following with his hand on her shoulder. Sitting back down at the table, he slid the second beer bottle across to Peter.
Amber said beside Mattie. “They’re playing it your way,” she said to him.
“What way?” he asked, distracted.
“Horseshoes. Tom and James. They’re playing it blindfolded.”
“They are?” Mattie asked, turning as if to watch them.
“Yeah, that’s why the beeper is still on. They wanted to try and beat your score.”
“Really?” Mattie had not thought he was to be competed with in such a visual sport. But they weren’t letting him win their game. They were trying to outdo him with his game.
Pretty soon, there were several people giving the blindfolded horseshoe toss game a go. Even Peter relented and tried his skill and luck. And though he tried five times in a row, he couldn’t hit the spike.
“You got some mad skills,” he told Mattie as he sat back down at their picnic table.
Mattie took another turn, and this time, on his second try, he got a ringer. There was a large cheer and Mattie felt Chloë raise his arm in victory. Peter raised his hand in the air as he approached Mattie, and then stopped.
“Hey, Xav, high five,” he instructed, and Mattie obliged by raising his hand out. Peter slapped his against it. “I think we have our champion of this contest!”
“That was pure luck,” Mattie said.
“I don’t think so, Man,” Peter told him. “It takes some damn good math and damn good hearing and spatial awareness to get that right.” Peter knew that it was indeed a feat, because he was an engineer. The more he learned about how Mattie’s mind worked without visual input, the more he wondered how he could help his friend do even better.
Mattie smiled. He was feeling pretty proud of himself. He didn’t want it to be such an amazing thing that he could ring a horseshoe, but even to him, it was. He thought Amber had been nuts to think he could hit a beeping target. He’d dismissed himself. He realised it was better to be applauded for being able to do something others could do easily than to be dismissed as someone who couldn’t do anything at all. It was amazing that he hit that iron spike, he’d put himself at such a long-shot.
And he realised he didn’t need to be applauded as someone who could do something anyone else could do without any effort, because in this case, they had all joined him. He had been their equal there, and he’d bested them. He was the one to try and beat. He inwardly knew he deserved to feel some pride about that.
The Roberts family, who had called Amber earlier saying they would arrive later, joined them. Lilla ran over to Mattie as soon as the car was parked.
“Here comes your biggest fan,” Amber told Mattie, and he turned around on the picnic table seat to be ready.
“Happy Birthday, Mattie!” the little girl said, suddenly shy as she came up to him and noticed people turning to watch her, smiling.
“Hey, Sweetie! Thanks for coming to my party. Want a hamburger?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m glad you guys made it before the cake,” Amber said. “I’ve been saving it.”
The little girl giggled. “You waited for me?”
“Of course we waited for you,” Mattie said. “You’re my official cake tester. Also, my official cake describer.” Lilla laughed and Mattie continued. “And you can make sure I blow out every candle.”
“Can I blow out the ones... if you miss any?”
Mattie smiled at her. “I’m counting on you. I need you to make sure my wish comes true—”
“Don’t tell me!” Lilla shouted and Mattie felt her jump. He laughed.
“I won’t, I won’t!” he said, raising his hands.
“Here’s a hamburger, Lilla,” said her mother Lynne. “Come sit down.”
“I wanna sit here,” Lilla argued. “I have to be next to Mattie.”
Lynne looked at Mattie who sat just listening to the activity going on around him, and then she looked at Amber, who smiled back at her.
“She’s okay there,” Amber told her. “You and Jonah help yourselves. Can I get you anything at all?”
Lilla sat at Mattie’s picnic table, and immediately engaged with Chloë about wedding dresses and honeymoons while she worked away at the hamburger. Amber, with Riley’s help, went inside for the cake.
“How’s it going?” Amber asked Riley, when they were in the kitchen. “You looked like you were having some fun. Sorry I left you there for a bit.”
“No, no, no worries, Amber, it’s your brother’s birthday. I’m fine. He’s a pretty determined fella, isn’t he?” He smiled at Amber. “He can sure throw a decent horseshoe.”
“I did not expect him to be that good, actually,” Amber said. “Just goes to show you that there’re lots of ways to do things. People will surprise you.” She looked at Riley, glad he seemed to be having a good time with her group. He fit in, she’d seen that, but she wanted to know if he was just acting like that to be nice. He was a nice guy, she could see him doing that.
“Well,” he said, turning her toward him. “I like him a lot. I’ll be glad to talk to him any time. All your friends seem pretty great, really, so in case you were worrying about whether I was having a good time or hoping that the day is over quickly and I can have you all to myself...” He stopped, making a pensive face. “Well, actually, that second idea doesn’t sound so negative, now that I say it out loud.” He leaned in and gave her a loud kiss on the cheek and she laughed. “But what I’m saying is, I don’t feel uncomfortable here. I was sitting and talking to Tom and... Joe, is it? Came later? Right, Jonah. Everyone is cool. And next weekend, you get to hang out with my cousin Tay and his wife Gill, and Jack and Paulette.”
“Who are they again?” Amber asked.
“My sister?” said Riley, raising his eyebrow at her.
“Oh, shit, what was I thinking? Of course, your sister. I knew that.”
Riley just laughed and shook his head at her. He looked out the window. “You think those candles will last until the cake reaches him?”
“Does it really matter?” Amber asked. “I’ll just tell him they’re all lit, he’ll blow on them, we’ll all applaud.”
Riley chuckled. “I suppose.”
“Oh, no, wait, that won’t work. Lilla’s right beside him, she’ll never let that pass.”
Riley asked about Lilla, and Amber found her lighter and gave Riley a stack of plates and forks. She picked up the cake, which was a sheet cake she’d ordered from a little bakery in town. It was shaped like a piano, and although Amber knew that would be lost on the recipient, she’d still wanted that cake for him, though it was a little pricier. Riley held open the door and as soon as Amber began down the stairs, several people had started to sing Happy Birthday. They continued into a second round as she and Riley lit the candles. A couple went out and needed relighting but finally they all stayed glowing, and Amber slid the cake forward in front of Mattie.
“Cake is right in front of you, Little Brother,” Amber said. “I went with six candles instead of thirty-three.”
“Why six?” Mattie asked, pausing before he took a breath.
“Three... plus... three. Six.”
Mattie rolled his eyes. “Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? So obvious.”
“Make your wish, Mattie!” Lilla prompted, leaning up on the table.
Mattie closed his eyes, because that was how a person made a wish. He thought about what he really wanted. He wanted his mother to have her children all back in her life. He wanted to not be lonely anymore. He wanted Amber to finally find her place and have someone look after her for a change. He wanted to know where Danny was. He took a deep breath in and blew, trying to cover the area in front of him as best he could. He felt Lilla leaning over, probably up on her knees on the picnic bench. He could hear her puffing out air and he knew that his candles would all be out without problem, so he sat back, smiling, hearing everyone clapping.
“Here, Xav,” said Amber, carefully putting the handle of a cake knife into his hand. She kept hers over his to guide him to the cake. “You can make a second wish. Or double your first one. First cut of your cake.”
Mattie let her place his hand in the appropriate place on the cake, and she let him cut the cake. Again, he closed his eyes, and he doubled his wish.
He released the knife into his sister’s hand and she slid the cake over to cut it. Mattie got the first piece, but the second was passed to Lilla, whose face was wide with anticipation.
Mattie turned to Lilla beside him. “Okay, give me the details. Tell me.”
“It was a piano. Like, the top of a piano shaped cake. That roundy-back piano thing.” Mattie grinned at her description of a grand piano. “It has chocolate frosting and the keys are white and black frosting... Is that frosting?” she asked Amber.
“It’s kind of frosting,” Amber said.
“It looks like you could play it. It’s perfect because you play piano. And we got the keys part on our pieces.”
“Cool,” said Mattie. “What colour is the cake?”
“White.”
“My favourite,” Mattie told her.
“Mine, too!” she said. “But my friend Amy loves chocolate best and doesn’t like white cakes at all. This one’s good, though. You should really try it.”
Mattie laughed, and he heard Peter and Chloë across the table chuckling.
Mattie reached out with both hands and found the plate. He centred it in front of him and located the fork resting on the right side of the plate. “Well, I will, then, Smartypants.” He slid the fork over and calculated the size of the corner as he sliced into the cake. Rather than make an error in judgement, and make a spectacle of himself, he decided to put it out there and make it okay, make it less humiliating in it’s loneliness, and make it something to share with his friends. It took the glare of it away and made it normal.
“How’s this for a piece?” he asked Lilla, lifting his fork. “Okay?”
“Perfect,” said the little girl, her mouth full of her own cake.
“No ants on it?”
She giggled, and some of the others at the table did, too. “Nope, no ants.”
“Okay, good. I want you to keep a watch for ants on my cake, okay?” He easily ate the forkful of cake, using two hands to guide it safely to his mouth. His hand-to-mouth coordination was hit and miss now, and there were plenty of times he’d humiliated himself in front of people, spilling beverages down his chin or neck, hitting the edge of his mouth and cheek with frosting or potatoes. He never expected it when he missed, since in his mind, his hand was where it was supposed to be and his mouth was where it was supposed to be, but sometime they just didn’t end up in the same place at all.
His strategy to engage Lilla in his attempt to keep cake from being on his face and shirt worked completely. He didn’t feel separated or stared at, because she was in it with him. People were smiling and laughing because Lilla was cute and funny and helpful, and Mattie was comfortable and not self-conscious, and the two of them together were sweet to watch.
Lilla ate a second, smaller piece of cake, quickly before her mother saw she had another. Mattie didn’t want a beer after cake, so he had some more lemonade, and went with Jonah and Lilla when they went over to play croquet. He sat in a lawn chair, soon joined by James and Riley. Lilla called out to Mattie with questions about playing, and he answered as best as his memory of the game could provide. Every now and then she would give a report that she or her father had gotten a ball through the little gate, as she called them.
Mattie enjoyed the conversations he had throughout the afternoon and early part of the evening. He caught up with James and Garnet, got some time in getting to know Riley, and enjoyed his best friend’s return. As his friends parted the party in straggles, he knew he had the best of the best there. There wasn’t a person there he wouldn’t feel comfortable with, even Amber’s new boyfriend seemed quite decent. Each person came over to thank him, wish him happy birthday, give him a hug or a kiss, a hand on his arm, and let him know how much he meant to them in their actions. Lilla gave him a huge hug and a wrapped gift before she left, telling him he had to wait until everyone was gone except Amber. Peter and Chloë were the last couple to leave, and Amber and Riley let Mattie sit back with another piece of cake and some tea while they cleaned up.
He picked up the present from the little girl and carefully found his way inside the paper. There was a small cardboard box. He opened it and felt inside, taking out a leather tag. A key ring. And his fingers found her details quickly as he ran them over the little raised bumps she’d added. friends. Each raised dot was made from a bead or a rivet or gem of some kind, melded into the leather snugly. The end was looped over the key ring and riveted tight, no doubt with the help of Lynne.
Friends. She’d hit it right on the head there. His friends got him through the toughest times in his life. His friends had always been there for him, had always supported him, had made him laugh, and celebrated his victories. It didn’t matter whether they were eight-years-old, or if they were blood relations, or if they were poetry professors. How would he have gotten by without Peter’s humour and constant watch? Where would he have gone if it hadn’t been for Amber? How would Amber have had enough strength without Barb to take some of her stress away? How would he have gotten through the hard days at work without Garnet and James inviting him let off steam playing music in their band? Each person that made up the essence of his friends, the warmth of his friends, the sound of their presence around him, made him whole.
Amber looked down from the deck as she carried a box out to collect dishes, and nudged Riley, smiling. Mattie sat in the lawn chair, his tea mug in the cup holder on his left, his expression myopic and peaceful. He was holding something in his hand, and Amber could see the wrapping paper on the grass beside him. He’d expressly made her tell everyone no gifts. But Amber had seen Lilla give him a present wrapped in the same green and blue paper before she left.
“Whatchya got there, Buddy?” Amber called over as she pulled the tablecloth off one of the tables.
Mattie moved his head as if awoken from his daydream. “A keychain,” he said. “From Lilla.” He held it up and Amber moved towards him to see it better.
She took it from his fingers and smiled as she admired it. “It’s a nice brown leather,” she said. “She’s put little metal studs into it. What does it say?”
“Friends,” Mattie said, nodding.
“But there are only three letters,” Amber said, looking at it.
“She somehow knew the contraction.”
“I don’t even know the contraction,” Amber said.
“I know,” Mattie replied.
“That kid’s gonna be smarter than you one day,” Amber said, putting the key fob back into his hand.
Mattie nodded, the smile crossing his face.
“Well, she certainly loves you,” she said. “We all do. Did you have a good time?”
“It was awesome, Amber. Thank you. I mean it. That horseshoe game was genius, I had fun, thank you.”
“Anything it takes for you to smile, Little Brother,” she said, leaning down to give him a little squeeze and a kiss on his forehead. “I hope your birthday wish comes true,” she added.
Mattie closed his eyes, his fingers still brushing over the word in his hand, and he nodded. He hoped so, too.
Small Mercies Chapter 55, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Mattie was calm and ready to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of Amber meeting Riley Lachan once again in the third week of July. He was patient and a good listener, a rock to Amber as she went through the highs and lows of an intense crush at its most fragile beginnings. It didn’t mean he didn’t tease her a little. She would expect nothing less.
He learned of the new turn of events via a text from Amber.
OMG, REMEMBER RILEY, THE CUTE GUY I MET AT THE LIBRARY? OMG, HE CAME INTO THE STORE!!
Mattie grinned, hearing the message. He typed back.
Is he there now?
NO! Why would I be texting you if I was talking to him now?
Why was he there?
Apparently he came looking for me!
OMG, Score!
She didn’t go home first, of course. Mattie put the kettle on as soon as he heard her car. He heard her jogging to the door through the screen. He was prepared.
“Hey,” she sang as she came in to the kitchen.
“Tell me everything,” he said, leaning against the counter, folding his arms. “Kettle’s on.”
She quickly crossed the room and started talking.
“I didn’t know it was him. I don’t know his car, and who was expecting him to show up, right? I turned around and there he was. He looked pretty glad to see me, too. I think. I was like, what are you doing way out here? And he actually said that he was looking for me.”
“He did?” Mattie grinned with genuine amazement.
“He said he’d gone away after we’d met, and he lost my number in his travels and he was hoping I would have called and left a message or a number or something.”
“But you didn’t,” Mattie said. “’Cause you’re a chicken. I told you, Amber...”
“I know. I know. I felt really bad, I should have called him. I know.”
“So he tracked you down,” Mattie said, getting her back to her narrative.
“Yeah, he remembered I said I worked out at the store near the Red Pine Campground. So he decided to go for a drive and see if he could find it. And he did! And I was there!”
“Kismet?” Mattie asked. “Sounds like all the stars aligned for you today. So? Are you going out?”
“Yes. Eeeee, yes! We’re going to the dinner theatre; apparently it’s a farce being staged this week. Xav, he’s really funny. He seems pretty smart, too.”
“He reads a lot, that we know. What else?” Mattie turned and followed the counter to the stove, where the kettle was getting ready to whistle.
“Can I do it?” Amber asked, almost blocking him from the stove. She never relaxed when Mattie had to pour boiling water. She didn’t miss a beat, though. “He likes architecture and the stars and planets and crosswords and road trips and old buildings. He has a brother in Montréal, a sister who lives here, and a sister in Calgary. He’s about your height, he has kind of auburn hair and a bit of a beard. Do you know what I mean by hipster? He looks kinda hipstery. But he’s genuine, he’s not pretentious. He likes movies. But don’t worry, he doesn’t make them.”
Mattie laughed. “And I am presuming he has a job?”
“He works in the research department at the newspaper,” Amber said.
Mattie was impressed. That sounded interesting.
“He took journalism at university,” Amber embellished.
Mattie nodded, his mouth set in a show of positive persuasion.
“He’s never had a horse,” she rambled, “because he grew up in the suburbs. He lives in an old stone building on Havers Street in the city, now.”
“Sounds like you know the whole story,” Mattie said, taking the mug his sister was putting into his hand.
“Gah, he’s really cute!” Amber said. “And he has a nice voice. You’ll appreciate that,” she added.
He gave her the look, saying, “Sure, I always appreciate the deep timber of a man’s voice. More importantly, what’s his situation? Ever married? Engaged? And even more important, does he have pets? You can tell a lot about a person from how they treat their pets.”
“I intend to find out all these things and more. We’re going out Friday night. My heart is skipping right now, is that crazy? I’m so excited. How will I wait until Friday?”
“It’s Tuesday,” Mattie said. “It’s not that far.”
“Ohhh,” Amber groaned. “It is! What do people wear to the dinner theatre?”
“You’d probably be safe wearing a ball gown,” Mattie said, straight-faced.
“Well, it’s probably not jeans, right? I mean, I guess a nice little dress or a pantsuit. No, you’re right, a dress is better.”
Mattie shook his head. “I didn’t actually say anything. But I would agree with myself if I had. Wear a dress. Something both elegant and a bit sexy, I’d say. He’s seen you in your natural attire, so you should knock his socks off.”
“Yeah?”
Mattie shrugged. “I don’t know. A guy likes a girl who makes an effort for him, but can also get a little dirty. You balance that, he’ll never find you unattractive.”
“Thanks for the man advise,” Amber said.
“You’re welcome,” he replied. “Well, well, well, so you’re going out with the fair Riley after all. Good for you, Kiddo. I’m happy for you. Cheers.” He raised his mug up to her and sipped his tea.
Friday could not come soon enough for Amber, and yet, it came too soon. She wasn’t sure she was ready.
“I really want to impress him,” she said to Mattie. She’d also said this to her boss, to Barb, to Tom, and to Chloë. “I really like him,” she added, sounding horrified and excited at the same time.
“Look, don’t try too hard. Be yourself. He needs to know you before he can fall in love with you, and you don’t want him falling in love with someone that you aren’t. You’ll spend the rest of your life either having to continue to be someone else, or you won’t like who you are.”
“I know,” she sighed. “But I feel like he won’t like the real me.”
“You’re selling yourself short, A. You are a good catch. You’re smart, you’re independent, you’re funny, you’re caring, you’re adventurous, and you have an awesome brother. You can’t go wrong.”
Amber had a brief memory of her most recent and short-lived relationship. The awesome brother was the breaking straw in that instance, though Amber had never told that to anyone. She hated that anyone would think of Mattie as a burden.
Mattie didn’t plan on waiting up. He had no idea if she was coming home, or whether she’d be early or late. And yet, he didn’t go up to bed. He dozed a bit listening to sit-coms on television, and when the familiar tone of Amber’s text message sounded, it nudged his senses awake. He reached for his phone, swiping it and tapping it three times.
“Text message from Amber: I’m home. It was beautiful. He’s a gentleman. He walked me to my door and then he kissed me! EEEEEE!”
Mattie chuckled. He touched the button to record to text. “I’m still up—full stop—You can come over if you want—full stop.” He sent the message and waited.
“Text message from Amber: Coming.”
Mattie smiled, shaking his head, and went out to put on the kettle.
Amber was floating on a cloud after seeing Riley. Mattie endured hearing about the many things she liked about him, and what they had in common, repeatedly. He heard about Riley when he and Amber went through the herb garden. He heard about Riley when they walked up behind the property one evening. He heard about the funny things Riley had said when Mattie went over to her house to borrow a colander because he couldn’t find his own. When she came over two days later to locate his for him, he heard about the way Riley had put his jacket around her shoulders when they went out to the pier the evening before to watch boats come and go. If he had to sum it up, he would say that Amber was in deep.
Mattie didn’t meet Riley for a few weeks into the relationship, which was fine with him. The less he was involved the better, in his viewpoint, until Amber made up her own mind. So far, her schoolgirl crush had, for want of a better term, he thought, blinded her to any faults Riley might have. So he listened and smiled and cooed when appropriate. He cajoled her and consoled her. Above all, he was happy for her. She deserved to have some happiness come her way.
With Amber dropping any plan in case Riley might plan something, and Peter still away, Mattie spent a lot of his time by himself. His cats kept him company, always coming to curl up with him for affection when he appeared comfortable to one or the other of them. He wanted to make good use of his time alone, but there was only so much sitting and typing or listening to voices emanating from speakers that a man could endure. He wanted to be outside.
Jonah was not surprised to hear from Mattie, and agreed to Mattie’s request. He came over one day to have a look at the henhouse, and spent the early part of the afternoon helping Mattie clean it and repair it, laying new chicken wire along the ground of the outer pen so foxes couldn’t get in. He brought three bales of hay, and later on in the week, he arrived with Lilla.
Mattie headed out to meet them, grabbing his cane on the way but not unfolding it.
“Mattie!” shouted Lilla.
“Hey, Kiddo, I haven’t seen you for a while, where’ve you been?”
“Ha ha, Mattie, you’ve never seen me ever, so there! I was at riding camp, remember?”
“Oh, yeah, Sweetie, I totally forgot! How was it?” He made a face at her first remark, pretending to be hurt. She barely noticed, too excited to tell Mattie about her time with real horses.
Mattie and Jonah listened to the little girl gush over her week away at riding camp. Her parents had figured either it would teach her enough about riding and horses that she could look after her own one day, or it would burn the notion out completely. It obviously had proven the former.
When she was mostly finished with her tale, she asked Mattie how his summer was going.
“Well, the reason I completely forgot about you going away to camp is because I was in Peter and Chloë’s wedding.”
“Ohhhh,” said the little girl. “Did you get a picture of her dress?”
Mattie laughed and shook his head. “Noooo,” he said, pretending dismay. “I don’t need pictures, I can remember it in here,” he told her, tapping his eyebrow.
“How, if you didn’t see it?”
Mattie smiled at her. “You didn’t know? I don’t have to know what everything looks like to have a picture of it in my head.”
He thought back to a conversation he’d had with his mother on a bad day about a year after his accident.
“Seeing is easy,” he’d said with sadness. “It’s so easy. You go into a room and you know everything that’s there. You know there are books and where the furniture is and what is on the wall and what colour the rug is and where the rug starts and where the television is... and the only way I know is to have someone tell me everything that is there. Or walk around and touch everything. And then I still don’t know everything that you see right away. Seeing is easy.”
His mother had reached her hand out and placed it gently on her son’s shoulder. “So make it easy.”
His body moved before he thought, and he raised his gaze to her in confusion. She saw his surprise and moved closer to him, looking him in the eyes as she used to do.
“You can imagine that room any way you like. Unless you need to know everything about it, and will be moving around in it a lot on your own, you really don’t need the details. You could make a meeting room a chamber in a palace if you wanted to. You could have cherry blossom petals snowing down outside the windows. You could imagine a dog being loved by a little boy in a hat on the other side of the room. You could imagine someone’s home to be however their personality was, and probably come closer in your head than any decorator. You could imagine anything you want, Honey.”
Mattie’s face brightened slightly under the gloom that had settled so heavily there.
“Anytime you feel you’ve lost something important, my darling, replace it with something you never noticed before that is important and beautiful to you now. I don’t want you mourning losses, Mattie. You have gained the chance to imagine freely whatever you like to be in your surroundings.”
“As long as I don’t imagine out things like benches and stairs,” Mattie had said, but he’d felt better. His mother was one of the most positive people he knew, and he wanted to emulate that way of being. Everyone always felt better after spending time with Marion MacTavish.
“That’s what the cane’s for,” his mother had lightly teased him, ruffling her fingers in his hair. “Reality. You don’t want to be doing too much imagining when the reality of a bench is in front of you.”
Mattie smiled at Lilla now, making a bit of a face. “I’m pretty sure Amber got lots of pictures, I’ll let her know you want to see them, okay?”
Once that was settled, Lilla guided Mattie to the back of the truck, where Jonah was pulling out a cardboard box from the bed.
“Can I show them?” Lilla asked her father, trying to hold the box.
“Here, over here, we’ll put them down so he can look at them,” Jonah said, not letting go of the load. “There are four of them, Matt. And I have a big bag of feed.” He and Lilla lowered the box to the ground and Mattie moved closer, crouching down as he heard them doing. He put his hand out and touched the box, creeping his fingers into it. An incredible amount of tiny peeping was emanating from within. He encountered a warm wriggly bundle of fluff and he carefully cupped his hand over it, finding another one under his other palm.
Lilla giggled, seeing the smile cross his face. She looked at him and then watched his hands as they gently checked over the little birds.
“They’re all yellow,” she told him. “But they will get brown. Or maybe white and brown.”
“They are sure fuzzy,” Mattie said. He scooped under one of the chicks and cupped it between his hands, raising it to his chest. It peeped twice and settled down into a little ball, and peeped three more times. Mattie tilted it carefully into one hand and with his free hand, he lightly touched the tiny creature, exploring it from its beak to its wings to its sharp feet.
“That one is Sheldon,” Lilla said. “And this one is Toblerone.”
Mattie laughed. “And the other two?”
“They don’t have names,” Lilla told him.
“So how do I tell them apart?” he asked her.
“Oh.” Lilla looked at the chicks. She tried to think of something that would give Mattie an idea of which chick was which, but she came up empty. “I don’t know, Mattie. Maybe one day they’ll learn their names if I call them whenever I am here.”
Mattie smiled. “Deal. You train them for me.”
Amber hadn’t seen Mattie’s improvements to the henhouse, and when he told her the night before Jonah and Lilla arrived that he was getting laying hens, she thought he was absolutely ridiculous. She figured it would give him something to do in the summer, but by fall, he’d be tired of it and have no more time for looking after them. He objected, saying she’d said as much when he’d gotten the kittens. She couldn’t say anything about that. She saw how much love and attention those cats received from him, and not once did they ever trip him, at least that she heard about. She figured he would find out one way or the other, but there was nothing that she could say that would dissuade him, that she knew for certain.
“Let’s help Mattie take them to their house,” said Jonah to his daughter. “We’ll get them settled and show him how to put the hay, shall we?” He knew Mattie had grown up around hens, and knew how to take care of them, but it would be useful to Mattie to have a couple of sets of eyes around while they got everything settled.
“Will they be lonely?” Lilla asked.
“No, they have each other,” her father said. “They’ll cuddle together for warmth. And it’s nice and warm in the nights now, they’ll be fine. A couple of weeks and they won’t be babies anymore anyway. They’ll be fine.”
He checked the chicken wire again, making sure there were no holes or loose spots. He checked the door to the house and they made sure Mattie could open it easily to get to the eggs. The hens would go inside each night and Mattie would open the little door in the morning so they could come out into their yard if they wanted to. When Jonah was sure that everything was secure and Mattie was comfortable with his new little charges, he shepherded Lilla back to the truck with the empty box. She was still calling the hens by their names, waving good bye.
“Give a shout if you need anything,” Jonah said. “Those are healthy little chicks, you shouldn’t have any troubles, but don’t hesitate to call.”
“Thanks,” Mattie replied. He’d given Jonah some money for the chicks when he arranged to have Jonah help him set up, but he felt indebted to his neighbour for all his kindness.
“Hey, uh, Matt? I noticed some of your gingerbread on your gable is loose there in the front. You want me to take care of it before it comes off?”
Mattie looked grateful. “Is it? Oh, that would be really great, if you could.”
“Yeah, I’ll come over Thursday morning, if that works. You have that nice ladder. It won’t take long for me to secure it, and I’ll have a look at the rest of it, make sure it’s tight.”
“You are the best,” Mattie said. Jonah always just looked at it as those things being part of his job, and also being a good neighbour, and Mattie never felt like he was a charity case with Jonah. And Jonah had finally accepted the fact that Mattie paid him a fair sum for anything he did, and stopped arguing that he didn’t want to take Mattie’s money. They’d worked it out, and a good friendship had built underneath it.
“Well, you had the roof done in the last ten years, didn’t you? While I’m up there, I’ll just make sure the shingles are all there and snug.”
Mattie smiled, his face showing how pleased he was. He turned to where Lilla was skipping and singing or talking to herself, he wasn’t quite sure which.
“Your dad is pretty fantastic,” he told her.
“I know,” said Lilla, still skipping or bouncing, her voice giving her motion away. “Daddy, can I come when you fix Mattie’s roof?”
“If you promise to stay on the ground,” Jonah replied. He shook his head at Mattie. “She loves to help me put up Christmas lights on our roof, but our house is only one storey. That’s bad enough.”
“You’re not scared of heights?” Mattie asked Lilla.
“I don’t know,” Lilla said.
Mattie pursed his lips together, nodding as if the idea made sense. “I suppose if you don’t think about it, it’s not scary,” he said.
“Are you scared of heights?” Lilla said.
“Only if I know they’re there,” Mattie said. “If I don’t see it, and don’t know how high up I am, then I guess I can’t get scared, right?”
“Are you going up on the roof with Daddy to fix it?”
Mattie shook his head, a smile on his lips, his face lowered. “No,” he said, raising his eyes again. “I’m going to stay on the ground and hold the ladder for your dad. So he’s safe.”
“Oh,” Lilla said. “That’s cool. I’m glad you will make sure he’s safe. He’s the best daddy ever.”
“I think you’re absolutely right,” Mattie told her. All the evidence he had supported the little girl’s statement.
“Why is it called gingerbread?” Lilla asked, looking up at the trim on the roof.
“Because it looks like a gingerbread house,” Mattie said with a smile. “Don’t you think it makes it look like one?”
“Yes,” Lilla giggled. “It’s fancy. Like your house is dressed up for school pictures.”
Mattie and Jonah both chuckled.
“I like it a lot. I want my house to have gingerbread on it. It kinda looks like lace.” She turned back to Mattie and pulled her lip down. “I losht ny toosh,” she said around her hand, jutting out her jaw.
It took Mattie a second to follow her new topic of conversation, especially through her muffled words, not being able to see what she was showing him.
“Oh, you lost a tooth?” he asked. “Top or bottom?”
“Bottom. I already lost the two top ones and bottom. This one is on the side.”
“Can you whistle?” Mattie asked.
He heard a stream of air blowing out, but no whistle. “Nope,” she said. “But I don’t know how to whistle.”
“You’ll have to learn to whistle before it’s time for you to go to work,” her father teased her. and then whistled the tune from Disney’s Snow White. “Come on, Pup, let’s go finish our chores, we have to take these chimney brushes back to the fire hall.”
“And get an ice cream,” reminded Lilla.
“Right, and get an ice cream. Well, Matt, good luck, and I’ll be by to fix that trim, I’ll see how you’re making out with the chicks.”
Mattie nodded. “Thanks, Jo. Thank you, Lilla!”
“You’re welcome!” called the little girl as her father opened the truck door and she bounced up into the cab.
Mattie smiled and waved as the truck moved toward the road. Then he turned and headed back to the henhouse, which now beckoned him with peeping as he got close to it. The little birds were out in their yard, and Mattie could tell they were moving in a bunch. They would get more independent in time, he knew, and they would explore their surroundings and find a treasure of seeds and ants once they did.
The sounds reminded him of his childhood. He closed his eyes, thinking about his early years, running around the farm with his older siblings. The world had been so big to him then, but he knew now that it was the smallness of his world that had made it so special and so safe. He was glad many times as an adult that he had been lucky enough to grow up in such a rural place. It had given his childhood a strong foothold.
Once more he thought of Danny. He didn’t know if he’d ever meet his brother again, but nothing ever would close him off from the idea. He still loved his older brother. He needed him, and he wouldn’t ever give up the idea that Danny would come home to them.
When Amber saw the chicks, she melted, as her brother knew she would. She didn’t even ask him if she could go inside to cuddle the birds, which were mounded together in the straw in the henhouse. As soon as she had one tucked up under her chin, the others came to life, peeping and tumbling out of the house into the sun. She came back out, cooing over the chick in her hands.
Mattie stood listening on the other side of the chicken wire fence, a smile on his face. Amber looked up at him, and the smile reflected on her own face.
“You think you can totally do this?” she asked him.
He nodded. “Yes,” he said.
“I’m not asking because I don’t think you can. I just want you to be sure.”
His gaze met hers when he answered her, and, as it always did, it made Amber’s heart jump a little. She had a hard time believing he couldn’t see her when he was looking so directly at her.
“I can do it. I can get here, I can get inside, I can count to four hens, and I can find eggs. You can have all the eggs you want. I’ll make sure they are inside at night, and I’ll let them out in the morning. Unless it’s storming.” He knew he didn’t have to ask Amber’s permission, but he wanted her to know he’d thought ahead on this, he’d weighed his pros and cons.
Amber nodded. Mattie had been in charge of the hens when he was a little boy, before he’d been given the responsibility of bigger animals. He’d taken it seriously, as he did any chore given to him that had anything to do with animals. He would never let an animal wait or suffer for his own laziness. Amber knew that trait had never left him. She put the chick down and went to him, putting her hand on his arm.
“Then I guess you know what you’re doing,” she said with a smile. “And thank you, for the eggs, you know.”
He grinned at her as she came back out of the fenced-in yard, and he followed her as she headed to the herb garden to see how much it was filling in.
“I know you have your doubts about things I do sometimes,” he admitted to her. “I get it. But when I feel really positive that I can do something, I need to do it. Because I live with so many doubts all the time. I’ve thought about this chicken thing for two years now, at least. No, it was more, I think, because I remember getting the cats around the time I started thinking about it. I’m just ready now. And I’m happy with my decision. And I won’t give up and make you take over. I promise.”
“Well, if you decide it’s too much, I guess we get a nice supper.”
Mattie scowled, and it was the reaction Amber had hoped for, and she laughed. “I’m kidding, Dumbass,” she said. “I wouldn’t dream of eating Sheldon.” She patted his shoulder. “Though I can’t say the same about Toblerone, yum!”
Mattie tried to keep the scowl on his face for Amber’s benefit. He did his best to glare at her. She giggled and reached over to hug his arm as they walked.
Amber had put off introducing Riley to Mattie. She didn’t think Riley would act the way Trent had when he’d found out Mattie was blind, but she hadn’t expected it from Trent, either. She wanted to know for certain that Riley was a better person than Trent had been. And Mattie was still friends with Craig, which made Amber need Riley to be even more amazing. She decided she’d tell him ahead of time that her brother was disabled, so the confusion that Trent had wasn’t repeated.
She had been on four proper dates, and gone to hang out with him and watch a movie at his place. She met his medium-sized dog, Spencer, who was loveable and well-behaved. She was happy things were going well. Riley was intelligent, funny, mature, and Amber loved that he seemed to always have a smile in his eyes. She was falling for him very quickly, and it terrified her.
She told Riley she wanted to have a birthday party for her brother, and that sealed the deal that Riley would meet him and her other friends there. She felt it was time to give Riley some more of her history, and see how he reacted to it all. She was on the verge of trusting him and she figured how he reacted would give her the answer she needed.
“You and your brother are close,” Riley surmised. He’d heard Amber refer to her brother a lot, and he knew they both lived in homes sharing an old family acreage.
“Yes.”
“You just have the one brother? No sisters?”
“I have two brothers, actually. An older brother and a younger brother. Mattie—Xav—is my younger brother.”
“Does your older brother live near?”
Amber shook her head. “No. He doesn’t.” She looked down. “He left home when he was eighteen, and we haven’t seen him since.”
“What?” said Riley, his hand on her shoulder, as he leaned to see her face.
She sat up a little straighter and shrugged, looking at him. “Everything had been really normal, really good, up until he started getting really snarky to our father. We didn’t know what his problem was, we all just figured he was a surly teenager. And my dad, who had been pretty awesome up until that point, got really upset with Danny all the time. Danny and my Dad were a lot alike, so they butted heads.
“Finally, Dad must have figured Dan would rat him out, he came clean to my mother that he had another woman. There were no kids, but he’d been with her for a long time, and my mother had no clue. He’d hated the farm, he had put in his time, he said. He wanted to work on the water. He moved out and left Mum with the house and the land, which she’d loved more than he did. My grandfather, my mother’s father, lived where I live now, and he helped us out as much as he could, he and my gran helped my mother out with us and things. But my mother was sick a lot, so she couldn’t look after the farm, so she had to sell the animals and the equipment.”
“Your mum was sick?” Riley asked with care.
“Yeah, she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis after Xav was born. She has her up days and her down days, and it was unpredictable week by week. I helped with Mattie from the time I was really little, I think.”
“How much older are you?”
“A year and a half,” Amber said. “It’s not much, we were always very close friends, but I always felt protective of him. He was such a small kid.”
“How much older was Danny?”
“Two and a half years older than me.”
“And you don’t know where he is?”
“No. He left a while after Dad did. He was so angry that Dad left, he was so angry that he’d kept the secret. I guess he’d seen him with the woman in town when Danny first got his driver’s licence, but he’d heard Dad on the phone with her even before then. He was so mad at Dad for letting Mum down. After Dad left, Dan resented Mum because she’d let him get away with it all. He accused her of knowing, of not knowing and being completely naive, of knowing and not caring. He cared so much it hurt him. The worst was, he resented Mattie because he thought that Mattie was Dad’s favourite. Danny admired Dad so much when we were kids. He wanted to be like him, he tried to help Dad whenever he could. Mattie, he was my grandad’s favourite, but Dan and my dad were a team. But once he suspected my Dad of an affair, he started to resent Dad, and of course, Dad retaliated by pushing him away. By then, Mattie was a star in school, he tested at genius levels, and had the approval of anyone who met him. So Dan began to resent Mattie, his little brother, who had followed him around and tried to emulate his coolness. Mattie had wanted his brother’s approval, but every time he was around Dan, he felt awkward and uncomfortable. Dan didn’t try to hide the bitterness he felt. It hurt Mattie a lot.”
“What about you?”
“Oh, Dan had his fair share for me. I was the girl. I got everything I wanted. Right?” She smiled at Riley feebly.
“Dan decided he was no farmer, either, and he didn’t want to be stuck in some old house in rural no-where. He said it drove sane men mad. He blamed the land and the people and the stagnant neighbourhood for my father leaving.
“I can’t say it wasn’t a relief when he left. All of us felt slightly more at ease. But after a while, when we never heard from him, we started to get worried. For a few years, we’d get a Christmas card, no address, no anything. Just his name. Then that stopped.”
“Did you try to find him?”
“We knew if he wanted to be found, he could contact any one of us. It was his choice. I know my mother tried to find out through family but I don’t think she ever turned anything up. Or if she did, she never told me. Or Xav. He tried to find Danny a few times, but no luck.”
“And you?”
“I’m mad. I’m mad at how he treated Mum, and I’m mad at how he treated Xav. I’m mad that he could just up and leave. With Mum sick, and all.”
Riley shook his head and sighed. “That’s awful,” he said. “I’m sorry that happened. What about your father?”
“We found out he died. Heart attack. He was living in Yarmouth. He had a fishing boat and still had the same woman. I didn’t go to the funeral. I think my grandparents did.”
“Geez, Hun. That’s a rough time.”
“Yeah, well, I mean, up until that, we had the best childhood. We all got along and Danny was a good older brother back then.”
“You must miss him?” Riley asked, quietly.
Amber didn’t respond for a moment. “I miss the old Danny. I’d be afraid he would still hate us, though, and that he would be a horrible person.”
Riley smiled warmly at her. “But you still have Matt.”
“I do. I don’t know what I would do without him.”
“I’m glad you have him.”
“I almost lost him, too.”
Riley gave her a puzzled look.
Amber sat back against the seat. “He was hit by a drunk driver when he was on his way home from work almost four years ago. Guy going at least forty over the speed limit, though a red light.”
“Geez,” said Riley in disbelief.
“He almost died. He was in critical condition. Head injury, broken bones. He was in a coma for weeks.”
“Oh my god, Amber,” Riley said, his hand on her knee.
“Yeah. That was the hardest time of my life. I spent so much time at the hospital. My life became the hospital. Mum couldn’t be there all the time, she wasn’t in any health to do that.”
She sighed and turned to him, and he rubbed his hand along her wrist and arm.
“Xav is a fighter. He’s the strongest man I’ve ever seen. He pulled through and came out of the coma, but it was a long road. He had to learn how to do everything again. He came home to recover at my place just before Christmas, and... he’d been so... hurt. It was so hard for me to see how hurt he was.”
“I can’t imagine.”
She smiled. “He recovered. I mean, he was able to move back into his own home but...” She looked at Riley and then looked away. “The accident left him blind.”
Riley raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Blind?”
Amber nodded. “Completely and totally.”
“Oh, geez, wow, Amber. I’m so sorry. Did the other driver get put in the slammer? I hope to god so.”
“He did. Not long enough, and not with enough punishment.”
She shrugged again at Riley. “Xav just... he amazes me. I feel so terrible for what happened to him, but I can’t even tell you how amazing he is. Since this happened, he’s just...” She couldn’t continue, because she felt the emotion in her words.
Riley smiled. “What’s he like?”
Amber grinned at Riley. “You’ll get to meet him at the birthday party. He’s funny. I think you’ll get along with him. He’s a good sport and he can pretty much talk about anything. He’s annoyingly smart. Well, probably just annoying to me, but...” She giggled when she saw his eyes twinkling at her, but grew serious again.
“He went away to a rehab centre for the blind. He actually went for two four-month periods. He’s just... well, probably the most determined person I know. He went back to teaching at the university, he does all these great adventures and things with his friends. He inspires his friends so much. He’s really adapted himself to his handicap, he figures out how to do things his own way and he does them.”
“He does sound amazing,” Riley agreed.
Amber nodded. “He does so well in so many things that sometimes I forget how hard things are for him,” she admitted.
“Well, I’m looking forward to meeting him,” Riley said.
Amber smiled. “I’m glad you will be. I think I like having you around.”
“Yeah?” asked Riley, a grin on his face. He shrugged. “I like being around.”
Amber laughed, and looked into his green eyes. Her heart felt like it could possible blow up in her chest, and she felt her breath catch. Yep, she admitted to herself. I’m completely and utterly screwed.
Small Mercies Chapter 54, a romance fiction | FictionPress
It was quickly arranged that Mattie would be dropped off at his house to change, and then Amber would come get him to go to Peter’s beach, where they would be joined by the rest of the wedding party, as well as wedding guests and invited party-goers.
Mattie was ready and waiting when Amber arrived. He wore jeans and a black t-shirt and tied his grey hoodie around his waist for when it cooled off later. He was just tying the red Converse sneakers he got for Christmas when he heard her car. He picked up his cane and his sunglasses off the bureau at the front door and headed out.
“You smell good,” Amber said as he climbed in beside her. “Maybe you’ll win the heart of a lucky lady tonight.”
“Yeah, I doubt it but thanks. How’s my hair?”
“I hate it,” Amber said. “It’s fantastic.”
“Not sticking up anywhere?”
“It sticks up everywhere evenly,” Amber replied.
“You’re not helping,” Mattie said.
“It’s perfectly fine, Xav. You worry too much.”
“Well, I can’t check it in the mirror ever, Amber, so, yeah.”
“You look fine. It’s perfect. I’m just envious, you know.” She gave his wrist a bump.
“You don’t want all this,” he said, waving his hand at his hair. “It’s a lot of responsibility.”
Amber laughed. “You look gorgeous,” she assured him honestly. She sometimes completely forgot he had no feedback from a mirror about his appearance now, and he relied on her to be honest with him.
He nodded, smiling sheepishly. “Thanks.”
Amber wasn’t the first to arrive, but she was early enough to park near the beach, not too far away from the reception tent. They headed to the tent first, to see who was there. Amber said she didn’t recognise anyone in there so they continued down to the beach.
They mingled, everyone discussing the wedding and the weather and catching up with people they hadn’t spoken to for a while. Mattie endured some awkward conversations with his old friends from whom he’d grown estranged. He knew there were probably people who saw him and deliberately avoided him. Out of sight, out of mind. And that didn’t really bother him; he was glad he had an excuse for not acknowledging any of them. He hated the stalled and weird conversations he endured and he knew they did, too, probably wishing they’d never come over. He stuck with Amber, Barb, and Barb’s husband, Tom, until Amber informed him that the newlyweds had arrived. Everyone headed up to the tent, where the emcee was introducing the couple.
“Hey!” said Peter, tapping Mattie’s shoulder and giving him a hug. Chloë was right behind him, and she moved in to embrace Mattie.
“You ready to dance?” she asked him.
Mattie shook his head, smiling. “No, I’m not a dancer,” he said. He didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of trying to dance in a group of people. He didn’t even know what the popular dance moves were from the past several years.
“We’ll see,” Chloë teased.
“No, we won’t,” Mattie replied. “But you have fun.” He smiled at her, and felt her touch his arm before she and Peter moved away. He turned to Amber when she bumped his hand, and, taking her elbow, he asked her, “You planning on dancing up a storm?” He followed her until she placed his hand on the back of a chair and he sat down, and Amber put her jacket on the chair beside them.
“Yup, I am. But first I need a drink. Want a beer?”
Mattie nodded. “Yes, please.” He folded his cane, listening to the voices all around him. He guessed the chairs and tables were set around the perimeter of the tent and the middle of the floor was left open for dancing. There was a sound system to his left where he sat. He presumed the deejay was over there as well.
He was happy to hear Christopher Garnet’s voice greet him, and felt the man pat his shoulder. He smiled, standing to say hello to Garnet and his wife. Amber returned shortly with his beer, glad that some of Mattie’s friends had arrived.
The deejay invited the newlyweds up to the dance floor to have their first dance together, and Mattie instantly recognised Michael Bublé’s Everything. Chloë wanted something upbeat, something that exemplified their relationship, and Everything seemed to sum up how Peter felt about her.
“They’re giggling and talking,” Amber whispered to Mattie.
“Are they dancing?” Mattie asked, puzzled.
“Yup, they’re totally dancing. Peter isn’t even tripping over his feet or her dress. She has it bustled up.” She looked at Mattie. “Did anyone tell you what she looks like today?”
Mattie’s mouth turned upward, but the smile didn’t reach the rest of his face. “No. I mean, they all said she looked beautiful, but I know that already.” He shrugged.
Amber glanced at Chloë in her husband’s arms, smiling so warmly, her face twinkling as she gazed at Peter. She decided that she wouldn’t get overly-detailed, but she described their friend’s appearance in her beautiful dress, including how gorgeous her auburn hair looked, loosely swept off her neck, and the glow on her face.
Mattie didn’t reply, but Amber could tell that he was dreaming in his own imagination. His face had relaxed and his smile was more genuine when he nodded to her.
The bride next danced with her father, and Peter soon joined with his mother. Amber, as alone as her brother, gave Mattie a visual commentary as the dances continued.
“Here comes Clo,” Amber told Mattie after several songs.
Mattie sat, waiting, not seeing Chloë’s hand reaching out in front of him. Chloë smiled and leaned down.
“Xav? Come dance with me. You delivered my husband to me safely, I want to have this dance with you and thank you.”
“Oh, uh, Clo, you can just thank me.” He tried to joke and shrug off the idea.
She squatted down in front of him, her skirts billowing out around her hips. “Please, come dance with me. I won’t let anything happen, I promise. It’ll just be you and me.”
“I don’t want to embarrass us,” he said, a little more seriously, hoping she gave up. He felt Amber take the cane from his lap, and the bottle from his hand. “Really. I’m not a dancer.”
It didn’t deter her. He felt her take his hands and pull him to his feet. He tried to protest but this was Chloë, and he knew he couldn’t turn her down at her own wedding. He was the best man, and he wanted to feel the honour of a dance with the bride. So he gave in and let her lead him out onto the open space.
She nudged his hand to her waist and took the other up in her own. “You can do this,” she said, very cheerfully, adding that she wouldn’t let him run into anything at all.
“Does that mean you’re the one leading?” he asked, trying to follow her steps. She wasn’t attempting anything radical, just swaying and turning some, keeping it simple.
She smiled up at him. “Thank you for being with us today,” she said. “It means so much to Peter to have you standing by him.”
“I wouldn’t have missed this,” he said. “I’m really just so happy that he found you.” He turned his head a little. “Does he look jealous?”
“He’s got a big, goofy grin on his face.”
“I remember that one,” Mattie said.
“Yeah? Well, he’s got it now. And I think you’re a better dancer than you say.”
“I haven’t danced... since... I guess since before the accident.”
“It’s like riding a bike, which I’ve heard you do exceptionally well.”
Mattie smiled, closing his eyes, listening to his surroundings. He let Chloë lead them and as promised, Mattie didn’t run into anyone or trip over a chair or someone’s foot. He was grateful to her, and he was glad she insisted that he dance with the bride. He felt proud that the bride wanted to dance with him.
Amber sat back, watching Chloë smiling at her brother, making him feel at ease, distracting him with light conversation. Mattie had the most wonderful people in his life, thought Amber. They lifted him, carried him, and laughed with him. He was always included, and though sometimes he was reluctant or afraid to participate, they never left him behind. She watched him laugh at something Chloë had said, her own face sparkling from the excitement of the day. People had joined them on the dance floor, but everyone was careful to not get too close to the bride and the best man sharing the moment together. The dancers were giving them lots of room, but also smiling at the couple moving slowly around the open space. The people watching from the sidelines also watched the bride and best man dance gracefully together, and smiled, enjoying the love the newlyweds shared with their special group of friends.
Peter sidled up to Amber and sat down on Mattie’s chair.
“I’m keeping my eye on your brother,” he said. “That’s my wife he has his hands on.”
Amber smiled. “They look great out there,” she said. “I’m glad she convinced him. I couldn’t have.”
“She’s pretty persuasive,” Peter said.
“You guys are going to have such an amazing honeymoon. I can’t wait to hear about it. Are you going to Québec City? And Niagara?”
“On the agenda,” Peter replied. He watched his bride thank her dance partner and guide him back toward his seat. He stood, smiling as they approached, his hand sliding around Chloé’s waist as she placed Mattie’s hand on his chair.
“He’s a better dancer than he lets on,” Chloë told Amber.
“Well, now it’s my turn,” Peter said, winking at Amber and whisking his new wife back to the dance floor.
After a while, people began to migrate out of the tent toward the beach, though many stayed to keep on dancing. Mattie went with Christopher, who carried his own and Mattie’s beer bottles, and they headed down the path to the beach.
They greeted the voices as they approached them. The chairs Mattie and Peter had brought down were already filled. It sounded to Mattie like Andrew and some others were going to light the bonfire.
“You wanna sit down?”
“Yeah, let’s see how this bonfire lights. I built it,” boasted Mattie, folding his cane and lowering himself to the sand beside Garnet.
“Here, Matt,” said a voice ahead of him. “Take this chair.”
“Aren’t you sitting there?” Mattie asked, putting the cane beside him.
“No, I don’t mind, you can have it.”
Mattie shook his head. They didn’t offer a chair to Garnet. “No; Thanks, though. I’m just fine here on the sand.”
“Y’sure?” asked the voice.
Mattie nodded his head. “Yup, I’m fine.” He didn’t like this kind of special treatment. It was one thing to have someone give him an arm or some direction, or put something directly in his hand. It was much different to be offered a chair because someone thought he was too crippled to be able to sit on the ground.
“I think Kayla and Paul and Shannon are all going to go swimming,” said another voice.
“They’re crazy, it’s not warm enough yet,” said another voice.
“I’ll probably try it,” said yet another voice to Mattie’s right. He wasn’t sure who any of the voices belonged to, but the last one sounded familiar, at least.
“Brrr,” said the second voice. “You’re nuts.”
“Well, I’ll wait until someone else goes in first, just to see for sure.”
Christopher turned to Mattie. “You gonna go swimming, Dude?”
Mattie shook his head, his expression clearly giving away how insane Garnet’s question was to him. He furrowed his brows, asking, “Are you?”
“Nah. I’ll wait for another month,” Christopher said. “And then it will be in a pool.”
“Amateur,” Mattie said with a smile.
Mattie was grateful for Garnet’s company. Neighbours were reluctant to come talk to him, and the ones who did spoke in platitudes. Mattie was pleased when Peter’s parents stopped to say hello. He stood up to give Peter’s mother a hug and to shake his father’s hand.
“I’m glad Chloë wants to move out to this place,” Mrs. Leighny said. “It’s a beautiful property. He lucked out when he got it.”
Mattie nodded. “He was a sweet talker when he decided this place was going to be his.”
“He’s definitely got that technique down,” Mrs. Leighny said.
“I taught him everything he knows,” said Mr. Leighny and they laughed, knowing that was probably true.
Once they had moved off, Mattie sat back down again, and Christopher gave him another briefing on the scene around him. One of Peter’s university friends had stopped down on the beach, approaching Mattie cautiously. Garnet nodded at him.
“Nice night,” Garnet said, his voice aimed outward, a little more formal, prompting the man to speak so Mattie would know someone was there.
“Yeah, it is a perfect night,” said the man.
Mattie turned his head a smiled politely.
“Hey, Xav,” said the man.
Mattie furrowed his brows. “Hey...” he said.
“It’s... uh, it’s Tucker... from Trafalgar?”
Recognition crossed Mattie’s face, and he put up his hand. “Hey, Tucker! Holy shit, you came over for Pete, that’s great.”
The other man shook Mattie’s hand. “Hey, yeah, got the invitation, could not let this day go by. I can’t believe someone actually can put up with him,” the man said good-naturedly. “Good for him,” he added. “She’s not lost in the looks department, either, is she?” he said, but the smile fell off his face as he said it. “Oh, uh. I mean...”
Mattie nodded, still smiling. “No, I know, he won the prize with Clo, he really did. So, are you still with the marine bio lab in Dartmouth?”
“Yeah, still there.”
“Married?”
“Yes, married and I have two kids.”
Mattie grinned. “Aw, beautiful, Man,” he said.
“Jeez, Xav, what about you? I didn’t know about your accident, I’m sorry, Dude. I can’t believe it.” He shook his head. “I can’t imagine how rough it’s been.”
Mattie tipped his head. “It was rough for a while, yeah, but things are good now, Man. Life goes on.”
Tucker shook his head again. “Jeez,” he repeated.
Mattie shifted uncomfortably. Some people almost gave off the vibe that it would better to be dead than to go blind. “I’m still teaching in the English department in the city,” he told Tucker. “I’m teaching literature and creative writing.”
“You are?” said Tucker. “Now?”
“Well, no, I’m on summer hiatus,” Mattie said. “But, yeah.”
“No shit! I’m... good for you, Xav.”
“Well, if it was long-distance truck driving, I’d probably be out of a job, but you don’t need to see to teach.”
“Well, I suppose not. Do they try to get away with shit all the time?”
Mattie grinned. “Yeah. Wouldn’t you?”
Mattie could hear, as the evening progressed, that some of the guests were slightly more intoxicated than others. And when Peter and Chloë came around to thank the guests and say goodbye before they left on their honeymoon, Mattie could tell that Chloë was one of the more intoxicated.
She hugged Mattie, and thanked him profusely for being there. Peter, chuckling, pulled her gently off him.
“Come on, Hun, you can maul Xav later, he’ll still be around,” Peter said, winking at Xav before he remembered that went unnoticed.
“She’s been enjoying the night,” Mattie surmised.
“She’s been dancing the night away,” Peter informed him. “But I think we’re ready to head out, right, Babe?”
“I could dance all night,” Chloë told Mattie.
“I know you could,” Mattie said with a grin. “You’re a great dancer.”
“So are you, Xav,” she said, and Mattie could hear both a champagne-slur and a smile in her words. “Y’should dance more offen, I love t’see you dance. I know! I know, me and Pete will have a party when we come back an’ we can have a dance! Yeah?”
Mattie and Peter both broke out into laughter, but tried to cover it, which wasn’t hard when Chloë was just so happy. It was her day, for certain.
Peter pulled his bride back again into the crook of his arm. “I think we can work on that later, Hun, we should probably just get you home.”
Chloë made a loud noise of disappointment but she gave Mattie one last hug and then tucked herself back into her husband’s arms.
“We’ll see you before we go,” Peter told Mattie. “Enjoy the rest of the party, Buddy.”
Mattie stayed on the beach, not wanting to tempt fate by going anywhere near the dance floor. Christine came down to see who was swimming and saw him sitting on the sand. There were three of Chloë’s friends sitting in the Adirondack chairs nearby, but Mattie just sat alone, listening.
Christine thought Mattie was cute. Chloë had suggested she date Mattie a while back. But Christine told her she wasn’t attracted to Mattie. That hadn’t been exactly true, but she didn’t want to come off as that shallow. When she saw him on the beach, she had a fleeting moment of indecision, before knowing it wasn’t something she could do to him.
Mattie heard footsteps in the sand approach and then stop. He turned his head, but the footsteps moved away. He turned back, listening to the voices laughing and calling from the water.
“I was wondering where you went,” Amber said, coming toward him.
“I’ve just been here,” Mattie said. “Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, you should have come up to dance.”
“I’m not a dancer,” Mattie said for the twentieth time of the night.
“You didn’t go in swimming?”
“Too cold,” said Mattie. “They’re having fun, though, how many of them are in there now?”
“I think,” said Amber, squinting down at the dark water, “there are maybe six.”
Mattie nodded.
“You could have danced with Christine. Or Lyndsay Morgan. You could have the pick of the dance floor.”
Mattie didn’t reply.
“You don’t even want to try anymore, do you?”
Mattie sighed. “No,” he said. “I don’t. I’ve pretty much faced the fact that this isn’t going to happen for me, and I don’t want to waste time hoping for something. It’s like hoping to see one day, it’s just going to make me dislike my life as it is.”
“You’re closing doors that don’t need closing. You only have two eyes, but there are millions of girls out there.”
“So what, so I can disappoint her by not gasping in pride and joy as she walks the aisle toward me?”
Amber shook her head. “You really think that is a deal-breaker?”
“I’m the deal-breaker.”
“Oh, stop your wallowing. Come up and visit with people.”
“I was visiting with people, but they all left,” Mattie said, not knowing why he was being so snarky to her.
“It must be your positive, winning attitude,” Amber muttered, getting to her feet.
Mattie frowned but then he reached his right hand out to try and catch her before she walked away. She saw his hand reaching and stopped, saying nothing.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I think I’m just tired now.” He pushed up his sleeve off his wrist and popped the crystal on his watch. Eleven-twenty.
“Fire’s almost died down, we can head out, if you want. Andrew is taking care of everything here, so we don’t need to stay.”
“Yeah,” said Mattie but he didn’t move.
Amber stepped to him and nudged him gently with her knee. “Come on, Bro. Last chance to go swimming.”
He shook his head. He didn’t want to go swimming, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to call it a night without anything memorable happening. Despite what he’d told Amber, he’d let his imagination delve into the daydream that he would end up chatting all night with some fascinating wedding attendant. Reality set in the longer the night went on.
“Come on, let’s go say good night to everyone. And maybe one last dance.”
Amber didn’t miss the look her brother shot her, but she leaned down and gave him her arm to follow as he got to his feet.
Back at the tent, they stayed for another forty-five minutes, and Amber did not mention dancing at all. Mattie had cheered up again, and was talking to Peter’s sister and her husband animatedly when Amber came over for him.
“Hey, Xav, ready to go?”
Mattie was ready, he realised as soon as he sat down in Amber’s car. He was exhausted. The night before and the day’s excitement all had taken their toll on him.
“I didn’t mean to be a wet blanket,” Mattie said.
“You weren’t a wet blanket,” she assured him. “You just had a moment. You had fun, I saw you having fun.”
“I had fun. Yes, I did, it was a great time. I got to see a lot of people I haven’t talked to in a long time,” he told her. “And Garnet and I had a good laugh. And I danced with Clo.”
“That was lovely,” Amber said. “She was really happy you did that, you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. She wanted to include you in things that you would remember as much as she did. She said she wanted you to participate in the day and not just stand by. I’m glad you didn’t turn her down.”
Mattie nodded, thinking. “I have to remember outside my own head,” he mumbled, mostly to himself.
“What do you mean?” Amber asked him.
“Oh, uh,” Mattie sighed. “I get caught up with things in my own head because... I don’t see what’s happening out there. You know? I don’t see people’s expressions, I don’t see what’s going on between people, and so I kind of focus more on myself, just out of...” He trailed off. He did do that, he knew it as he said it. “I don’t mean to,” he said. “I’m self-absorbed by default. I’m sorry that I bring everything to myself. I don’t mean to,” he said again.
Amber understood. Mattie couldn’t experience by watching. He could only experience by actually being involved. And if something wasn’t directly involving him, including him, letting him experience it by his own body, he couldn’t be a part of it. It excluded him. People didn’t mean to exclude him, and he didn’t mean to focus more on himself. It was just the nature of everything.
“You didn’t think of yourself at all, Xav,” Amber told him. “You bit your fear down and you made a bride happy to include her husband’s best friend in the happiest night of her life.”
“She made my best friend happier than I’ve ever known him to be,” he said. “I’d do anything for her.”
“My point is proven,” Amber said, pulling into his driveway.
“Here’s your mail, Xav!” Amber called out from the back door.
Mattie was in the study, and he came out to meet her, his hand coming in contact with a sheath of envelopes and paper.
“A phone bill, three flyers, an offer for a No Annual Fee Mastercard, and an actual letter. Who writes you an actual letter?”
Mattie’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t know, does it have a return address?”
“Nope. City post office stamp, though.” She followed her brother to the kitchen, where he sat at the table.
“Open it,” he said.
“You sure?” she asked. “You don’t have a secret admirer that you’d rather keep secret?”
He shook his head. “It might be from the university,” he said. “Is my address handwritten?”
“Yes. Okay, opening it.”
Mattie folded his hands on the table and waited as she pulled the paper from the envelope and unfolded it. He knew she scanned the beginning before she started, but thankfully she skipped back and started reading it aloud for him quickly, before she knew before he did what the letter contained.
Dear Professor MacTavish,
I am not sure how to begin, so I will introduce myself, and ask you to forgive me if I am intruding into your life. I respect your privacy, and should you wish to stop reading right now, I understand. You may have chosen to put everything behind you, but I really wanted you to know how grateful I am to you.
My name is Wendy Collinger. Travis Collinger is my son. I am not exaggerating when I tell you you saved his life. I know he changed your life grievously, but you have changed his life for the better, and as his mother, you have mended my heart and made me understand that people deserve a second chance and can change.
Travis was a great kid, until he got to high school and his father and I divorced. He began hanging out with the wrong crowd and started drinking alcohol. I supported him and got him through school, but I had to kick him out of our home for several months because his attitude was not what I wanted around my other son. I thought he’d changed when he decided to go back to school, but I found out he’d lied and had not applied. He had been going up to visit his friends for the first weeks of the school year, and had stolen drugs from one of them. I fear he was well on the way to drug addiction as well as alcoholism. I fear that if drinking didn’t kill him, some sort of violence would have. He was never a violent boy, but drinking changed him.
He took away your precious sight and the life you had. I am eternally sorry for this, as he was my son, I raised him, and this is how he turned out. I cannot condone his behaviour. I know it will never change your life back or give you your sight. But I know that you saved his life in more than one way. You saved it because he would have kept drinking and driving until he killed himself, or some child. Or a whole family. You stopped this, unwillingly, of course, by becoming his victim yourself. You did not die, thank God, though the pain you have suffered is unimaginable to me. I am so sorry for this. I was so angry with him. But I also have another chance to see my son change. He did not die.
I also wished he’d been given a stricter sentence at the time he was sent to prison. I thought he was let off too easily for what he had done to you and your family. I didn’t want the responsibility of him when he was released. I felt guilt and shame for my son.
However, his release was actually for the best, because soon after, he heard from you. He was terrified of confronting you. He had become extremely remorseful in prison, seeing what life was ahead of him, realising what he’d traded for it. He talked about you often. He wanted to find out about your recovery. When you contacted him, he was anxious and depressed, and I fear he was suicidal. He was unable to get past what he had done. Your meeting with him took a huge weight from him, I could see it immediately. He began talking about school again, he spoke of talking to kids about the repercussions of drinking and driving. He wanted to stop what had happened from happening with anyone else. He became very adamant about alcohol. He has not touched a drop since returning home. He’s been asked to speak at a dozen schools and two universities, and the experience has inspired him to keep at it. He wants to get his license back so that he can become the designated driver for all his friends. And he’s going back to school in the fall. Your return to your job and your determination to get your life back inspired him to make his own way and do the best he can with what he has. Your forgiveness gave him the initiative to move forward. He wanted to make it up to you but the only way he could do it was to change the mindset of the next generations. He said you taught many of them, and he wanted his part in teaching them how to be better people.
I am proud of him now. None of this would have happened without you. We pulled you into our life without your permission, and you have given us all a second chance. I am eternally grateful to you, and your incredible ability to forgive. If there is anything ever that I can do for you, do not hesitate to call on me. I know you may never want to have contact with Travis, but please know that the impact that you have had on him has been overwhelmingly positive. I have my son back.
I fervently hope your life is a good one, and that your strength and your heart have taken you to wonderful places that give you joy. Travis told me you have gone back to teaching at university and that you have made an incredible recovery and you are overcoming stereotypes left and right. I hope this is so. You have made an incredible impact on my son, his brother, and myself, and you deserve all the happiness in your future.
Please accept my sincerest best wishes, and my eternal thank-you for saving my son’s life. You have given a mother back her heart, and your gift will never be forgotten.
Gratefully and eternally yours,
Wendy Collinger
Amber looked up from the page, which had grown blurry through the tears swimming in her eyes. Mattie sat, his head bowed, his eyes closed. She couldn’t read his expression, and she wiped at her eyes with a sleeve to see if that helped. Mattie said nothing.
“You saved his life,” she whispered. She’d never let herself think about the drunk driver’s life, his family, and what he’d lost through that same accident that nearly took her brother. She didn’t want to empathise with him, she wanted to think of him as a monster, as a stupid, selfish, overgrown child with no respect for anyone but himself. She didn’t want to think about the mother that had raised him, that she could be a kind, loving mother that despaired what had happened to her son, and wondered what she could have done to change the outcome, grieving over the life he had had and lost.
He shook his head. “He saved his own life,” he said. “He was the one who decided to speak out. He was the one that decided to keep going. He had to make the same decision I did.”
“You went to see him,” Amber said softly. “I was so angry about that, Xav. Geez, I wanted to hit you, I wanted to go hit him, and hard. And yet, you went, and you forgave him. Who knows how many lives you saved by forgiving him, Xav? All those kids he went to speak to? The impact you had on him spread everywhere. Who knows how many of those kids will remember his words, his regret, and stop before they drink and get behind the wheel?”
Mattie knew the gravity of what she was saying but he didn’t want to let himself think too hard on it, because he could feel the emotion in his throat already threatening to escape.
“You’re amazing,” Amber whispered, in awe of what her brother was capable of. She knew he was overwhelmed, because he didn’t reply to deny or confirm her words. The letter had affected him too much for him to be able to react right away. Amber reached out and put her hands over his, still folded in front of his bowed head. They sat like that for several minutes.
Finally, Mattie raised his face and opened his eyes. Amber saw they were glassy as her own. She patted his hands and stood up, wiping the last tear away with her sleeve. “Okay, you want tea? I’ll make us some,” she said, willing her voice to sound normal. “I was kinda thinking of hitting the movies tonight. Whaddaya say?”
Mattie smiled at his sister. “Yeah.” He nodded.
She smiled back. “Cool,” she said.
Summer rolled out, and Mattie had to train himself to actually relax and enjoy his vacation. He often sat out on the verandah and “listened to the sun come up”, as he referred to it. Amber learned what he meant one morning when she came over to join him.
“Close your eyes,” he instructed to her at one point, and when she did, she heard how the birds gently began a chorus, just one at first, that grew as the sun came closer to the horizon. He had no trouble convincing her he could tell time from bird calls after she witnessed morning with him three times. Some birds began earlier than other, and other species of birds joined in later. He could also feel the air change, he said. Almost like he could feel the sun warm everything it beamed through. She knew he was less accurate with this method, but there were times that she, too, felt the air change the instant the sun burst over the horizon.
He missed Pete, but they called him a few times from different places. Christopher Garnet and James Howes came out a few times, and took him out for some beers. He went to Craig’s gym several times, and he worked on keeping his body strong as he let his mind wander over the summer months. He spent much of his time out on his veranda with his laptop and Notetaker. The students in his creative writing class had gotten together and thanked their professor for his genuine love of teaching with a gift of a speaker dock for his phone, and once Mattie figured out how to work the buttons, he loved that he could take music outside but not need to wear earphones for it to sound good.
It was a creative time for him. He was feeling open and comfortable and content. The weather was warm and sunny, and when it rained, it only lasted a day or two and was done for a week or more. Amber helped Mattie with his herb garden, and she planted some flowers around his house, too. The perennials bloomed and Amber gave him a scent tour, showing him what was growing around his property. He smelled the blossoms and touched the petals and stems, learning the tiny differences under his fingers that went with each scent. He took these tiny details and let them inspire the descriptive style of his writing. He didn’t let Amber, or anyone, read any of the work he did that summer, but it flowed from his imagination and onto his hard drive, where, when he went back to read it, it seemed to sweeten over time.
Mattie looked forward to the rest of the summer with content interest. His creativity excited him. He had a supply of books in Braille from the CNIB library and he looked forward to beautiful leisurely reading over the next several weeks. Words would inspire words, he told himself, giving himself permission to read for pleasure, though he didn’t need to read for inspiration. He was filling kilobytes with a strong current of creativity.
Small Mercies Chapter 53, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Mattie told both his mother and Peter all about his weekend away, sightseeing. He described everything to them and as he did, each of them noticed that he gave them far more description than someone sighted. He gave them the smells and sounds and feelings of the tour, but he surprised them both when he gave visual details, as if he’d seen them firsthand. Neither of them pointed it out to him. He was a writer; he could describe things with his imagination filling in the details and not even notice he was doing it.
His mother gave Amber a glowing look. She adored what her daughter gave her son. Amber had called her mother before the Halifax trip, needing to know if it was a good idea to persuade her brother to get out of his comfort zone. She had agreed with Amber, knowing Mattie needed to come out of his shell. She knew if he’d go with anyone, it would be Amber. He trusted her, he still looked at her as someone who took care of him when he needed her, as she had when he was young. She hadn’t ever failed him, and Marion was sure that her daughter could coax him to figure out on his own that travel and adventure were not limited for him, if he had the right attitude.
Chloë was thrilled when Peter told her about Mattie’s trip. She knew Mattie was capable of anything he set his mind to, and she felt glad when he had a good experience. She figured each new experience attained gave him more courage to keep trying things. In a way, she said to Peter, Mattie was growing and expanding his boundaries all over again after the accident, much like he had as a child. It would come naturally if a person had curiosity, and was open to new things as a child was.
Peter wasn’t so sure of the child analogy, though it did sound about right in the explanation. He did know that he was grateful his friend had such a curiosity and a need to figure things out beyond expectation. If Mattie had let this stop him from taking everything life would offer him, Peter wasn’t sure how their friendship would have stayed so very strong and important.
It was extremely important to both of them. Mattie knew that many people stopped having such close friendships when they grew older; it just happened, whether because of work, or because the person now turned to was their partner in marriage. Both Peter and Mattie knew this wouldn’t happen with them. And Chloë was glad for this, and encouraged it. She had her own friends and hobbies and didn’t mind one bit when Peter decided to hang out with his best friend.
“She booted me out,” Peter said to Mattie as they drove toward town to pick up some paint. “She said she needed to finish sorting all the dresses and call about flowers or ribbons, or maybe it was the cake,” He explained.
“Wow, you really pay strict attention,” Mattie laughed.
“Hey, now, it’s a wedding? What do I know about weddings? I mean, come on, let’s be real. This is her ballgame. She loves t’is stuff.”
“Women,” Mattie said, smirking. “Hey, you got yourself into this, if I recall.”
“Yeah, well, you were pushing me along the plank, too, y’know.”
“Oh, you’re glad I did,” Mattie said.
“I am. And I’m glad I roped you into wearing the monkey suit with me,” he said with a grin.
“People should see us looking so fine every now and then,” Mattie said. “Just to remind them there is such a thing as perfection.”
“Too right,” Peter laughed. “It’s like glimpsing the gods on Mount Olympus.”
Mattie puffed out air in a chuckle, and then they were both quiet for a minute. Peter glanced over at Mattie, who looked like he was gazing out the window in thought. In a moment, he turned his head back in Peter’s direction.
“Are you ready?” he asked him seriously.
Peter nodded before answering, as if to make sure he knew he was before he said it out loud.
“I am, Xav. I’m really ready. She’s the one.”
“I know she is,” Mattie replied. “I’m really happy for you. I’m also happy for me, because I like your new ball and chain. A lot.”
“She loves you, too,” Peter said.
“Well, then, I guess I’ll marry you off next week, give you away to the best dame this side of the Atlantic. Probably both sides, to be honest. You found a real winner.”
“If only she didn’t snore and eat all the potato chips,” Peter said, and Mattie grinned, shaking his head.
“I don’t think those are deal-breakers, Buddy,” Mattie said.
“Yeah, yer probably right.”
Chloë kept Peter busy in the days leading up to the wedding. He painted the railing on the deck, he ran back and forth with errands, and he cleaned up the beach and the field above it for the party after the reception. For that, he brought Mattie in to keep him company.
“You realise I’m not going to be tons of help,” Mattie said. “I mean, we could call in Jonah or Tom. Where are all your other friends?”
“Anyone even close enough to be my friend has conveniently been busy this past week. Nope, sorry, old man, it’s you.”
He guided Mattie to the picnic table on the beach. He’d mowed the field above the day before, so they could put up a tent for the guests and the food and chairs the day before the wedding.
“What do you want me to do?” Mattie asked, feeling useless. “I’m such a lousy best man.”
“Stahp,” said Peter. “You’re the best best man. And you can help. I’m going to drag all the driftwood and crap over here, and you’re going to make it into a perfectly laid-out bonfire, the biggest one on this side of a deserted island.”
“Oh,” Mattie said. He could do that. “Where do you want it?”
“Just over from where we are now. I’ll start hauling and then I’ll set you up. Then I’m going to get you to help me drag down the wooden chairs from the shed. By drag, I mean we’ll put them in the truck and then drive down and take them out.”
“We’ll drag them from the truck to here,” Mattie surmised.
“Ah, this is true.”
When the bonfire was built tall and wide, and the beach was clean, they got back in the truck and drove up the dirt road to the shed. Mattie followed Peter’s voice, walking around the front of the truck and toward the sound of Peter sliding the doors open.
“There are eight. I don’t think we’ll get them all in one go,” Peter told him, coming back to touch Mattie’s hand and take him the few steps to a chair. Mattie reached down with Peter’s guidance and found the chair arm, then he folded his cane and stuck it down into the back pocket of his jeans. They manoeuvred the chair around and out the door to the truck, and with Peter’s direction for Mattie, the first four chairs were soon in the bed of the truck.
They made a second trip, and all the chairs were moved to the beach. Mattie loved the feeling he had in his chest, and realised it was pride. He was helping, just like he always had. And it wasn’t even a big effort or a big deal, because Peter didn’t make it be. It was an awesome feeling.
“They look good,” Peter said. “Thanks, Buddy.”
“You painted them, didn’t you?” Mattie asked.
“Yeah. How’d you guess?”
“They’re painted,” Mattie said, stating the obvious with a look that suggested Peter was a bit thick.
Peter opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He made a grunt of amusement. Then he spoke. “Okay, Smartass. Explain your deduction.”
“They still smell like fresh paint, and they are really smooth. Like, I can feel the paint on them. Wood feels much different. Outdoor paint is glossy, it feels kind of... plasticky. No splinters, no chips, no flakes. You painted them. It’s as clear as a bell.”
Peter grinned, nodding. “You got me there, Bud. It’s totally obvious. I don’t know why I even questioned it.”
“Just because you never had to think about it before,” Mattie said, shrugging. “But can’t you smell the paint still?”
Peter nodded again. He’d never given that habit up around his friend, though he usually vocalised it in a comment.
“Yeah, you’re right, you can smell paint for a long time.”
“It’s okay,” said Mattie with a smile. “You’re learning.”
They headed back to the truck and Peter drove back up to the house. They climbed out and were crossing the yard when Chloë appeared on the deck.
“Hey, Babe,” said Peter.
“Hi, Guys. Whatchya doing?”
“We got the beach ready for Saturday. Bonfire ready, chairs, lawn’s mowed, just a few things left to take down Friday and put up the tent and we’re ready to go.”
“Oh, sweet!” she said as they walked to the stairs. Peter placed Mattie’s hand on the railing and followed him up the steps. “Hey, Xav, Hun,” she said, putting her hands on his shoulders and giving him a peck on the cheek. “You want a Coke or a beer?”
“Oh, I’d love one, thanks. Your cheap fiancé hasn’t even offered.”
Peter laughed. He’d offered three times, but Mattie had kept saying later. “He’s such a liar,” he told Chloë and he guided Mattie’s hand to a deck chair while she went to get a couple of beers.
Mattie sat, leaning forward to find the circular table he knew was in front of him somewhere. Locating it, he put his folded cane on it and pushed it forward a little before settling back.
Chloë returned and tapped the beer bottle against his hand. “Here you go, Hun. Moosehead,” she said. “I opened it.”
“Oh, cheers, Clo.”
Peter sat down and had a drink of his beer. He turned to Chloë. “He still won’t tell me what he’s planning.”
“For your bachelor party?” She smiled at Mattie. “Good. I hope he gets you good. Just don’t kill him or lose him, Xav, and make sure he gets to the wedding, but other than that, go crazy.”
Mattie laughed, hearing Peter groan. He hadn’t told anyone his plan, and set everything up on his own. He was going to make Peter’s last day of bachelorhood as memorable and as celebratory as he could imagine. His best friend deserved the best send-off into marriage Mattie could come up with.
“He’ll come back to you a better man,” Mattie said to Chloë with a grin and a nod.
Peter’s parents arrived from Newfoundland, along with his sister and her husband. They had all been offered to be put up in Peter’s home, but instead they had booked a couple of rooms at a small hotel just in the outskirts of town. Peter met them in the morning, and that afternoon there was a rehearsal and a dinner for the families of the bride and groom. Mattie, as best man, attended, and dealt with food and meeting people and voices all around him as best he could. This was about Peter. He wasn’t about to seek attention in any way. Peter and Chloë both made sure he was set up, and sitting next to them at dinner was a great relief for him, because neither one of them made a big deal out of telling him where things were.
Peter’s family had met Mattie on many occasions, but every one of them had been when he could still see. Peter’s mother hugged Mattie, expressing her sincerest sadness over his loss. With anyone, this could have been uncomfortable, but Peter’s mother was a warm, caring, hugging soul, like so many Newfoundlanders, and Mattie felt the love of a mother instead of the pity of an onlooker. She took him to sit so they could catch up. Peter’s father, much quieter, but with Peter’s quick sense of humour, stood close by. He’d also expressed his condolences to Mattie about the loss of his sight, and Mattie had replied that it hadn’t been so bad, with Peter’s friendship. He told Pete’s parents that he was grateful they’d raised such a steadfast and loyal man, and that Chloë would be well looked out for, Mattie could guarantee it with personal experience.
They asked about Mattie’s plans for Peter’s send-off into marriage, but Mattie just grinned. They’d heard about many of the practical jokes and running gags between the two university roommates, and they knew that Mattie wouldn’t settle for giving Peter any lame bachelor party. It would be bigger than that, something between friends who had been through major life moments together.
Mattie didn’t tell Peter where they were going. Instead, he had Peter drive them into the city and park the truck at the university. He had arranged Peter’s co-worker, Art, to pick them up at two. From there, they would head to their destination and meet up with Chloë’s brother, Andrew.
They climbed into Art’s car, Peter in the front, Mattie in the back, and Peter begged Art to give it up and tell him where they were going.
“He’s sworn to secrecy,” said Mattie. “I debated on blindfolding you, but it would probably get pretty stressful for Art here, getting us both to the place without losing one of us. You’ll know soon enough, Old Man.” He reached up over the seat and patted his friend’s shoulder.
He knew when Peter realised where he was being taken.
“Oh no you don’t, MacTavish!”
“I take it we’re almost there,” Mattie said.
“I’m not dangling from some clothesline over a gorge,” Peter objected.
“You make it sound so well-designed,” Mattie said. “I don’t know what your problem is. You do the craziest shit I know...”
“No, you do the craziest shit you know, Xav. Oh-h-ho whyyy?”
“So much drama, don’t you think, Art?” Mattie said. “Why? Because you need it. You’re making that leap into marriage. That connection that you won’t have with anyone else. You’re hitting the road with a woman that deserves all your best and you have to be that guy. You need to face everything and step up. This is my figurative leap for you. An actual leap. Plus, this is about our friendship. You need this, Petey. You make me yell my lungs out in a pumpkin field, and sail a boat, and ride a bike and do the most ridiculous things a blind guy probably shouldn’t attempt. So, I’m just paying you back. You’ll thank me. Trust me.”
Peter looked back at his friend. That was one thing he didn’t question was the trust he had in Mattie. And Mattie gave it back to him completely. He would do this. And then, he would get married to the best woman in the world the following afternoon.
Mattie had already registered at the Woolston Canopy Zip Line Adventures, and Andrew was waiting for them at the office. They would have three guides, as opposed to the regular two. Mattie couldn’t remember the name of the guide he’d had before, but he figured if the man was here, he’d recognise Mattie, at least. Peter guided Mattie’s hand to sign the register and the required forms each person needed to fill out,
Their next step was to get into gear. Peter complained the whole way, as he guided Mattie through to the back.
“Yeah,” he said, mostly for Mattie’s benefit. “You guys can grin all you want at me, but you won’t be laughing when you’re up on that platform looking down at open water.”
“I’ve done it before,” said Andrew, still grinning.
“Aw, jeez, of course you have,” Peter groaned.
“Twice, actually,” added Andrew.
“Fuck off,” retorted Peter.
Mattie laughed out loud. “Burned!” he said to Peter.
“I will get you back for this, MacTavish,” Peter threatened.
“I know you will, Petey. I know.” Mattie patted Peter’s arm in a comforting manner.
“Fawwwk,” muttered Peter.
Once they were rigged up and ready to go, their guides, Ron, Nick, and Katie, introduced themselves and gave them a good lesson on how everything worked. Mattie listened carefully, not wanting to miss anything he wouldn’t be able to remember when they were all doing it by seeing the process. He was glad he’d gone once, and knew what was expected of him.
Their first climb was a wooden series of stairs and railings and decks. Mattie followed behind easily, once he had the distance and breadth of the stairs figured out.
“I can’t believe you’re making me do this,” Peter continued as they climbed.
Mattie was excited that Peter would know why he was making Pete do this very shortly. His friend would know the feeling of freedom and accomplishment, or at least he hoped so.
“You’re gonna thank me,” Mattie replied.
Their guides went over everything quickly again and prepared Andrew to make the first leap after Ron had gone. He had no trouble and Peter let Mattie know that he’d had a successful trip.
Mattie was next up. Katie and Nick fully prepared him, and his anticipation grew. He wasn’t afraid at all. He remembered exactly how this felt, and it hadn’t scared him before. He’d felt free. He couldn’t see down, so the height, the rocks, the trees, the water, none of it mattered, whether it was six metres below him or fifteen. He wasn’t scared of what was down there. He was more in tune with the movement through the air, and how the earth felt as it came back to him at the end of the line. He knew he missed a lot, but he put that out of his mind to exist in his own world. This way, his experience surrounded him and he took it in fully.
“Okay, you’re all set, Dude,” said Nick. “Here’s your handbrake... okay, you know the drill, right?”
“Completely.” Mattie was ready.
Peter watched Mattie touching the cable and the harness and the handbrake, finding positions and getting his bearings. He couldn’t imagine doing this blind. And yet, Mattie looked so excited, so happy, so much more like himself that it made Peter feel ashamed that he’d wanted no part of Mattie’s plan. If Xav could do this, if he could actually feel joy for his entire experience, than Peter was determined to do the same. He thought of it as healthy competition.
Mattie jumped away from the platform, sliding quickly and picking up speed. The first line wasn’t a great distance, and Mattie knew the view was of trees, the bay, and the registry office. He knew the views got better as they went, and he knew the lines got longer and steeper. He felt the air rushing past his face, along his legs, and his bare arms. He felt a thrill from his stomach up through his heart and back down again, and felt his body falling gently. He brought his attention to the voices reaching up to him from ahead, telling him when to start applying the brake and prepare for them to bring him in. He knew if he stopped too soon, he’d have to hand-over-hand to make the last few metres. But he didn’t want to slam into Katie and Nick, either, so he concentrated on figuring out how to know the speed he was travelling, and how much pressure to apply to the handbrake. He knew it probably wasn’t going to be any better than an educated guess every time, but it gave him something to centre on.
He felt his side and arm bounce against something both hard and soft, and realised it was a guide. He felt hands holding strongly onto various limbs and his feet landed squarely on a platform. They held him until he caught his balance, and it was clear that he’d enjoyed his trip over. They didn’t even need to ask. He was grinning from ear to ear.
Peter was next to make the leap. Mattie was at the other end, cheering him on.
“Damn it,” he said through gritted teeth before stepping off the platform. As soon as he felt his harness hold him, his fears just lifted. Mattie whooped with glee when Nick told him Peter was airborne, and continued to cheer Peter on. For Mattie’s benefit, he yelled a swear word for as long as he could sustain it.
Peter remembered at the last second to slow down, though he felt it seemed to slow on its own the closer he got to the platform. The guides pulled him in and up and Mattie was immediately grabbing onto his shoulders and giving them a thumping.
“You did it!” he said to Peter. “I knew you could do it.”
Peter smiled, thinking how great it was that Mattie was the one being the leader and coach in this one. He put his hand out on Mattie’s shoulder, too, and pretended to shake him.
“Jayzus,” he said. “The t’ings I do for you, Xav.”
“You loved it,” Mattie said seriously. “Just say it.”
“I’ll let you know after the next three,” bargained Peter.
Mattie just grinned, patting Peter’s arm again, and they turned to cheer on Art as Ron gave him his final instructions. Peter gave Mattie a play-by-play and then took his shoulders and backed him up when Art was nearly to their side. They gave high-fives and Peter raised Mattie’s hand up to get his share, and everyone slapped their palms against his. Peter watched him smile to himself, and then turned him around carefully and guided him to the next climb. This one was one of the rope net climbs that Mattie had found daunting, but not actually as difficult upon attempt as he felt it should be. The ropes were not too far apart, so he had no trouble locating the next one with his hands or his feet. Peter stayed on his right, slightly behind, keeping an eye on his progress without making it obvious. Mattie knew he was there, he knew Peter had his back, so he didn’t have to say anything, either. It just all was.
By the time they had reached the fourth platform, Peter was almost a pro. Mattie knew he had won Peter over when he heard Pete joking and laughing with the guides, his nervousness gone.
“Tell me the view,” he said as they climbed up another rope ladder.
“I can see the bay. Can you hear it? Or smell it? It’s almost under us. There’s a good rocky shoreline and then the trees where we are turning back inland. We’re kind of in the middle of the trees. You can probably tell that.”
“I can feel the trees. They muffle the sound when we’re under them. Or they’re all around us. I hear trees. I don’t know how. I can’t ever explain it, but even if there’s no wind, I can feel them somehow. It’s the canopy of leaves, I think. I don’t feel it so much in the winter, when the leaves are gone. It’s still there, just not as strong.”
Peter shook his head. “It’s really pretty amazing,” he said, “the stuff you’re tuning into.” He gave Mattie a hand to climb onto the next platform.
“I know,” Mattie said. “Who knew?”
It all seemed over too quickly. They were on the last platform getting ready to take the final zip across, and Peter turned to Mattie.
“Hey, Xav. You were right, this was pretty awesome. Thank you.”
Mattie smiled at Peter. He nodded, and lifted his hand up and patted Peter’s arm. “Now, I told you I’d bring you back in one piece, so make this one a good one.”
“You, too, Man.”
Mattie closed his eyes and leapt out from the platform, holding the harness with both hands. He breathed in deeply as he travelled, hearing the sound of his motion along the line, the cheers of his cohorts, and the air whistling past his ears. He knew he was heading downward, and he could soon feel nature envelope him as he journeyed down below the tree line. He heard Ron call to start slowing, and they’d bring him in. He slowed a little, until the voice was close and then he braked and let them all grab him and guide his feet to the ground. It was so fast, he didn’t even have time to question himself, but he knew the ground was getting closer as he descended, and again he marvelled at the things he couldn’t see.
“Good job, Man!” said Ron. “That was frigging awesome!”
Mattie broke out into a huge grin, and let Katie help him unhook and remove his harness. Then he turned to give his best friend a decent cheer for his last trip along the zip-line he’d refused to ever go on.
From their adventure through the trees, they headed back to the university. Mattie had arranged for a cab to take the four of them to Peter’s favourite pub, O’Reagan’s, where they would eat and drink and be merry along with a few of Peter’s other friends and co-workers.
“Whadja do, book the pub?” Peter asked, laughing.
“Actually, yeah, I did. Well, not the whole pub, you’re not that special, but I booked two tables. And I made sure we had at least two of the pool tables, too.”
“Are you gonna play pool?” Peter asked, ignoring the good-natured insult.
Mattie gave him a look, and then shook his head. “No, but I figured the guys would want to. And I also have a cab company ready to take everyone home.”
“Jeez, Xav, that’s a big expense. We can all chip in—”
“Nope, already handled. Besides, I’m your best man, and I wouldn’t be the best if I didn’t think of everything. No-one drives home drunk. End of story.”
Peter’s smile turned bittersweet. He patted his friend on the back. “Okay, Buddy. You definitely are the best man.”
They were taken to the back of the pub, where it was more secluded from the main section, but the music from the live band still reached them. Peter’s brother-in-law from Newfoundland was waiting there, along with two more of his coworkers and Tom Hanlon, Barb’s husband. Christopher Garnet soon joined them, and they ordered food and pitchers of beer.
Peter regaled them with stories of the zip-line. They toasted Mattie for a good send-off. Mattie toasted Peter’s leap into the future. Peter toasted to their friendship. Another pitcher arrived.
Peter and a few of the others got up to play a game of pool, and Mattie sat and talked to Christopher. Peter returned for his beer and tried to convince them both to join them in a game.
“You really that bad a player you can only beat a blind dude?” Mattie asked.
“Oh, you’re probably a pool savant, too,” Peter said.
“I probably would get a blue ribbon in scratching,” Peter said. “You go ahead, Garnet. I’ll hold down the table and keep the beer safe.”
“You sure?” Garnet asked.
“Yeah, and maybe let Peter win the first one.” Mattie was grinning and Peter groaned.
Mattie sipped his beer, listening to the music from around the corner and the laughter of Peter and his friends. He heard the roll of the heavy resin balls on the table and the snap as they made contact with the others. The guys chided and cheered each other, and Mattie smiled. Everyone was having a good time.
Soon, he was joined by Chloë’s brother, who poured himself another mug of beer and sat across from Mattie.
“Good party,” he said to Mattie. “I think Pete will remember this day for a long time.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t about to go half-assed on his bachelor party, the guy deserves everything I could ever come up with.”
“Yeah,” Andrew said. “I got the feeling from the first time Clo introduced him that he was a pretty good guy.”
“She got one of the best,” Mattie assured him. “I can vouch for him completely.”
The party went until eleven, and then Peter decided that he needed to head home if he was to get to his wedding the next day. They had the cab company called and cars were dispatched. Peter thanked everyone for making his last night of bachelordom memorable and told them all he’d see them the following afternoon before he and Mattie climbed into their own cab.
“Get a good sleep,” Mattie said to Peter as he was dropped off at his house. “I’ll see you in the morning. If your feet get cold, just put on some extra socks, okay?”
Peter smiled. “Right-o, Xav. You got it. See you in the a.m.”
Mattie opened his cane and Peter watched as his friend turned and found his way. Even intoxicated, Mattie had no trouble locating his walkway. Peter found it slightly amusing that most people became blind-drunk, but Mattie had the most composure because he could do everything with his eyes closed anyway. Peter sighed, thinking about how hard it must be sometimes, and yet his friend went on, as if it was nothing but a minor scratch on his life. He was still so alive, and Peter was grateful. He had drawn away from Mattie for a few weeks after he’d woken up from the coma, terrified that his friend was gone, the stress of the possibility that Mattie would die suddenly lifted. Peter had to get his head around what it all meant. But there was no way he would have given up on Mattie and moved on. There was absolutely no way in hell. He looked out the window and saw Mattie wave from his open door, and then he told the driver to go ahead. He watched the door close, and stared at the house which stayed completely dark, while Mattie moved inside of it, finding his way.
Amber made breakfast for Mattie and Peter. Mattie’s job for the morning was to distract Peter and keep him from being tempted to go check up on things.
“Clo’s parents and my parents are finishing everything up. My dad drove me in to get the truck. Clo has her girls coming to her apartment, I think they’re meeting there at ten. Oh, you’re going, Amber, what time are you supposed to be there?”
“Yeah, she said around ten. We have to do our hair and stuff. Chloe’s maid-of-honour is doing our hair and makeup. What are you guys gonna do?”
“I suggested golf,” Peter said.
Mattie shook his head. “I vetoed that one.”
“So then I suggested getting drunk and crying,” Peter noted.
“I’m vetoing that one,” Amber said. “You’re a lucky man, this is the best decision you’ve ever made and you know it.”
“I know,” Peter replied.
“Nah, we’re going out back,” Mattie said. “Try our luck at the brook.”
Amber smiled at them. “You guys are awesome, you know that?”
“Yeah,” they both said, deadpan, and in unison, and Amber shook her head, laughing.
They took their gear and walked out behind Mattie’s house. Mattie had the bait and hooks in an old canvas army bag, Peter had the poles and a bucket. Mattie kept the back of his left hand in contact with the rope guide, and they talked about times they’d shared at university, times they’d shared when Peter had decided to move to the neighbourhood, and what things lay ahead for Peter and Chloë.
They crossed the brook to get to the better spot along it, and Peter, as always, followed behind, watching him, knowing Mattie never had made a wrong move on this log bridge. They went along the road and cut back through a path on the left. They were on the south side of the brook now, and Mattie located the rope guide that took them to their fishing spot. Peter guided him toward the end, where the ground was uneven, and set him up alongside the deep curve in the brook. They talked easily as Peter baited up their hooks. He let Mattie drop his line in first and then dropped his own downstream, and for a while, they were silent.
“This isn’t going to change, you know,” said Peter, as if to assure Mattie from whatever he was thinking.
“I know,” Mattie replied. “But you’ll have someone at home all the time now, and I won’t expect you to be dropping in as much. And that’s all right, Man.”
“Well, maybe it’ll mean I’ll drop in more. I haven’t lived with anyone since you, and it’s gonna be strange.”
“Well, Clo’s been staying with you more than she’s not there, Pete. You’ll be fine. You’ll adapt.”
Mattie caught the first brook trout. Peter caught one right afterward, and then a second. Then they just fished in silence, without anymore bites. Peter checked his watch and suggested they pack it up and head back. Chloë was in the city getting ready, and Peter and Mattie were going to get ready at Peter’s place and go in together. The wedding was to be at Chloë’s church, near her parents’ house, at two. The reception was at four-thirty in the rec-centre next door, and the party would be back at Peter’s beach.
“Weather couldn’t be better,” Mattie said as they walked back along the road. “I think you have the wedding gods smiling down on you.”
“That’s all Clo’s doing. The wedding gods are rewarding her for being perfect. I’m just lucky to be allowed to share in it.” He walked a few steps in silence and then he turned to Mattie again. “Why do I feel like things are over? I mean, I’m glad I’m doing this, and I’m not going anywhere, I’m just gonna be getting up and driving us to work like always. But it feels like everything is for the last time.”
“Well, it’s kind of the same as when the new year hits, and you think, this is the first time I’ve walked over here in two-thousand-and-such-and-such, and you think it’s all different but it’s not. You’re just thinking too hard on it. I mean, it’s not a huge transition, you guys have been working towards this slowly and there are gonna be new things, sure, but it’s not like you’re moving in with her family in a new city and never allowed to think of the life you had. It’s not exile, Dude.”
“True.”
“I think you’re just starting to do the last minute panic. But you just have to get through the day. Remember, it’s for her. You just gotta make it through without coming off like a moron. It’s like a show we get to put on and everyone has a part. Then we all just go back to normal tonight. Right?”
“That actually makes me feel better.”
“Just gotta get through the day, my man, then you’ll be okay. Oh, we’re here? So, I guess I should get a shower and shave. I think everything is at your place already?”
“Yeah, it’s all lined up like we’re going into battle. Andrew is coming out, do you want me to text him to pick you up?”
Mattie agreed that sounded good. Peter took the trout home. He’d cook it up for brunch for his new wife whenever they woke up the next day. Their honeymoon was to happen the following day after that. Mattie knew that Peter was taking his bride to Newfoundland, which would start a cross-Canada train adventure, which Chloë had often expressed a dreamy interest in. They would end in the Yukon, and Mattie was envious of the things they would see and experience. He knew they both would describe everything to him in pictures he could see in his mind, so he looked forward to that.
Showered and shaved, Mattie was ready to go when Andrew drove up the driveway slowly. He went out and waved, letting Andrew know he had the right place, and was answered with a cheerful toot of the horn. He locked the front door and made his way toward the sound of the car. The engine was loudest near him, and when he touched the car, he figured he was at the front working back. Sometimes he was right. Sometimes he was wrong. This time, he was right, and he found the door and the handle without trouble. He touched the roof to find out whether he was climbing up or in or down, and then slid his other hand down to the seat.
“It’s all clear, you all right?” Andrew asked.
Mattie kept his fingers on the edge of the roof so he didn’t hit his head as he got in. “All good. You?”
“Oh, pretty good, considering I’ll be wearing a monkey suit on a sunny day like this.”
“Yeah, I hear you. The things we do for the love of our lives. And our best friends. And our sisters,” Mattie added with a chuckle.
Peter fed them with the chicken salad sandwiches his mother had left for him, and then they reluctantly changed into their wedding finery. Peter brought Mattie’s tuxedo over and laid it on the bed, and showed Mattie where everything was, telling him to give a shout if Mattie needed anything. Mattie had no trouble getting dressed, though it took him several minutes to figure out the cummerbund. The tie was going to cause problems. He left it hanging around his neck and tied on his shoes. He felt his hair, hoping it wasn’t the main attraction of the day. It seemed under control, so he made his way to the door.
There were wolf whistles as he entered the kitchen where the other two were.
“Well, I’d say we all clean up pretty nice,” Peter said. “We shouldn’t embarrass anyone. Need help wit’ dat tie, Old Man?”
Mattie nodded. “Yeah. Please. Bow ties are not my best craft.” He stood still as Peter took the two ends of the tie in his hands. It took him three tries to do it, he wasn’t used to tying anyone else’s tie, but when he finished, it was straight and centred. He brushed Mattie’s lapel.
“You’ll do,” he said, smiling at his friend. Mattie’s mouth quirked up at both sides. Peter moved away for a moment and then returned, taking Mattie’s hand and laying it flat. He placed an object on it.
Mattie felt it with his other hand, knowing immediately that he was holding the ring box.
“An important part of your job,” Peter said.
Mattie tucked it into the pocket inside his jacket. “I take it very seriously.”
The time came to head into the city, and Andrew was taking them in his car. Peter had joked that he would drive Chloë off from the church in his truck festooned in wedding fancies, and she surprised him by saying she’d be proud to be carried off in her husband’s other favourite girl. Peter’s father had driven it in to the city, where the family members cleaned and vacuumed it out, and washed and waxed it. Then they tied cans to the hitch and covered the top of the bed as well as the hood with tissue flowers. Peter’s sister wrote Just Married on the tailgate in wash-away foam, and drew a heart for good measure. Peter’s old truck had never looked more jovial and loved. They couldn’t wait for the newly-married couple to see it.
Mattie could tell Peter was nervous on the drive in, and he tried to keep his friend’s mood light and his mind slightly distracted. They arrived at the church ahead of most of the guests, and they stood outside with Art and Peter’s brother-in-law, who were ushers. The day was a bright, clear, and warm one, and Peter was glad for that, it made everything seem much more relaxed.
“I guess we should head inside,” Andrew said, seeing the minister moving toward the doors.
Mattie heard Peter take a deep breath, and then he felt Pete’s hand brush his. He slid his hand up to Peter’s elbow and they moved toward the church.
“Three steps, Xav,” said Peter, and they went in through the big wooden doors and were ushered to the back room.
Mattie kept checking his pocket, making sure the ring box hadn’t vanished. Peter took him over to a worn chair and Mattie sat, listening to his friend pace in front of him. He reached to his right and located a table, and he put his cane there.
“Oh, sorry, Man, uh, there’s a table on your right if you wanna put your stuff there,” Peter said, distracted.
“Thanks,” Mattie said with a smile. “You all right?”
“Yeah. I just want to get this over with.”
“It’ll be over soon,” Mattie said. “And she’ll be your wife.” Mattie chuckled a little. “That’s gonna take some getting used to.”
Andrew came over to join them, standing next to Peter. “I think the bridal party is all in,” he informed them, setting his water bottle on the table beside Mattie. He put his phone and keys there, too.
“How do the crowds look?” Peter asked.
“Bride’s side filling up. Your side’s rather Spartan, Pete.”
“Yeah, well, I have the important ones.”
“I’m just kidding you, Pete. Your side is filling up. How’s he doing, Matt?”
“Typical bridegroom jitters,” Mattie replied.
It felt like ages and mere seconds, and Art was coming to get them. Mattie stood, and once again put his hand to his breast pocket.
“Ready?” Pete asked him, holding his elbow out.
“I should be asking you that,” Mattie said, reaching up and finding Pete’s arm waiting.
“You taking your cane?” Peter asked Mattie, looking at their stuff on the table.
“No. I don’t want anything distracting eyes from the bride,” Mattie replied. “I’ll get Christine to swing back this way on the way out and grab it.” He would be walking the aisle on the way out with Chloë’s best friend and roommate, Christine. He’d met her several times, and found her to be logical and intelligent, so he knew she wouldn’t lead him into a pew or anything.
“I’m leaving my stuff here, Matt. I’m coming back down after the reception line, I can grab it for you,” Andrew offered.
“Oh, yeah, that’d be great.”
“Here we go,” Peter said.
“The greatest walk of your life,” Mattie replied. “You lucky bastard.”
Murmurs of excitement as the groomsmen came out and stood at the front of the church. Peter situated Mattie easily and quietly gave him the scene in front of them.
“I’m so glad you’re up here with me,” Peter whispered to Mattie.
“Wouldn’t be anywhere else,” Mattie said softly.
The quiet organ music that had been playing changed, and Mattie heard the crowd turn in their seats en masse as The Wedding March began. He and Peter both straightened up on cue.
The bridal party moved one by one up the aisle and stood to the right of Peter, Mattie, and Andrew. Andrew’s wife was the first to walk up, followed by Christine.
Mattie heard the entire congregation rise from their seats, and he knew that Chloë had begun her step-by-step up the aisle toward them. He felt Peter beside him taking a deep breath, his aura almost increasing in the space he was taking up. Mattie smiled, knowing Chloë would be coming close, gazing at Peter with the love she had for him.
“Yeah?” Mattie asked, in response to Peter’s physical reaction.
“Gad, yeah,” said Peter.
Mattie dropped his head, a great smile crossing his face. He knew that Pete would be okay now. He felt Peter move away from him, joining Chloë in front of the minister. He turned toward them and closed his eyes as the minister began to speak.
It was a much shorter service than Mattie had expected, but he knew Peter and Chloë wanted it to be more about the result than the production. Christine did a short reading, and then the vows were begun. Mattie listened to the emotion behind the couple’s voices, and he felt like he might tear up himself.
“Who has the ring?” asked the minister, and Mattie stepped one step toward the couple, sliding his hand into his breast pocket. He brought out the ring box and opened it for Peter, and felt him take the ring from the slot. He closed the box as Pete thanked him, and put it back into his pocket, stepping back exactly where he’d been before.
They moved off to sign the register, and then Christine came over to guide Mattie, and the two of them also moved over to the registry to sign as witnesses. Christine laid her finger on the line for Mattie, and he did his best not to ruin the certificate and then they all returned for the final blessing. Mattie stood next to Andrew, who told him every now and then what was going in. He was glad he had someone to stand next to. He realised that without his cane, he didn’t know what to do with his hands. He’d forgotten what it was he used to do, other than sticking them in his pockets, so he clutched his fingers in the other hand in front of him and when that felt old, he did the same behind his back. He wondered where Amber was in the pews in front of him and as he was trying to pinpoint where she would be sitting, he heard the minister pronounce Peter and Chloë husband and wife, and clapping and happy cheers broke out as the minister gave them the blessing and the final instruction to kiss as a married couple. Mattie clapped along with everyone else, a huge smile breaking out onto his face.
“Okay, Matt,” Andrew said, “we’re stepping forward. Christine is...”
Mattie had stepped forward and before Andrew had finished his sentence, Christine had reached out and took Mattie’s arm.
“Hi, Xav,” she said softly. “It’s Christine again; we’re going to follow the marrieds down the aisle now.”
Mattie nodded, letting her link her arm through his. He became uncertain about his choice to not carry his cane, but he knew he wouldn’t want to be sweeping his cane in front of him in a wedding party as they paraded back down the aisle. He wanted the only white thing attracting attention to be the bride’s dress. He didn’t realise he was holding tightly to Christine’s arm that was linked around his other arm.
“I won’t drop you,” Christine assured him quietly, and Mattie nodded with a quick smile, feeling slightly better. As they walked out of the church, Mattie heard cheers and Christine told him people were blowing bubbles into the air. He laughed, hearing Peter’s and Chloë’s happy voices ahead of him.
“Some steps, Xav,” Christine said, and Mattie remembered the three steps he’d climbed on the way in. “Three.”
He nodded. “Thanks.”
“We’re going to go over and stand with Clo and Pete. Get ready to be kissed by old ladies.”
Mattie chuckled, and hoped this went smoothly. He kept forcing himself to remember it wasn’t about him at all. He knew his blindness often made him become too self-absorbed, and he worked hard to appreciate everything going on around him.
Voices, people saying his name, telling him it all was so beautiful, hands taking his, pulling him close to embrace, voices telling him how handsome he looked. He kept his right hand held out in invitation to shake it, and then let the guests do with that as they would. Amber’s voice was on his right, hugging the bride and groom. She reached over and took his shoulder as she greeted him.
“You look pretty good,” she admitted. “That was a really nice ceremony, wasn’t it?”
He nodded, and she leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I’ll come find you after.” She patted his arm and moved down the line and Mattie turned to the next voice.
The next ordeal was having the wedding photos taken. This was to be done in front of Waterlily Lake, which was a short drive from the church. Andrew returned Mattie’s cane to him and they were shunted off in a car, Mattie was not sure to whom it belonged, and taken to the lake. He was led and placed and turned and posed. Sometimes he was next to Peter and Andrew, sometimes he was standing with Christine. And just when he was ready to groan out loud at another shot, the photographer was done, and Christine ran over and collected his cane from a nearby bench. The group walked slowly back to their vehicles, which would take them to the reception hall.
Mattie undid his tie and unbuttoned the top button on his shirt when they were back in the car. He knew his biggest challenge of the day was still ahead of him. He wasn’t worried about the speech he had prepared, he was used to standing in front of people and talking, although it was surely different doing it amongst family and friends. He knew he could always picture whoever he wanted to be out there. It was being sat at the head table, with all the guests keeping attention there, and having to eat. He was hungry, and that was going to ruin his plan to not eat until later, when he would scoff down snacks and barbecue food at Peter’s beach. He figured he could manage cake, but reception food was always uncertain, placement, possibility of a mess, and empty forks were a hazard to get around.
He was grateful when he was led to the chair next to Peter at the bridal table. He folded his cane and placed it next to the leg of his chair.
“Check out your place card,” Peter said, putting a piece of stiff folded paper into his fingers. Under them, he felt the recognisable bumps of Braille, and he smiled.
“Didn’t want you to sit anywhere but here,” Peter said. “Y’okay?” Peter always checked in with Mattie to make sure he didn’t need anything, without it feeling like he was helping Mattie all the time.
“Yeah. You?”
“I’m glad that part was over. I’ll be glad when this part is over. Champagne?”
“Please,” said Mattie.
“Hey, Honey,” Chloë’s voice appeared. “Hey, Xav.” Both men stood up.
Mattie grinned, knowing she’d leaned up and kissed her new husband. “Hey, Clo. You look beautiful.”
“Aw, thanks, Xav, that means a lot, coming from you,” she touched both his shoulders and leaned in to kiss his cheek.
Chloë’s cousin, James, was their emcee, and dictated that anyone who stood up and sang a song with the word love in it would see the couple stand and kiss. Thusly, their meal was often interrupted after someone stood and sang a stanza from a song. The best one had been Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which had everyone puzzled until well into the song: “Then all the reindeer loved him.”
Mattie burst out laughing, as did everyone else. He was enjoying his second glass of champagne. Peter had given him the layout of his plate upon its arrival, and Mattie navigated it quite well, though he didn’t finish everything.
Speeches were made, Chloe’s father and mother spoke, then Peter’s parents. Andrew had a few things to say about his sister, and then it was Mattie’s turn. He stood, pushing his chair back. Talking quieted, and he put a smile on his face. This was for Peter and Chloë, he thought to himself. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the few little cards he’d written parts of his speech on, and placed them in front of him, scanning his fingers across the Braille, though he knew what it said.
“I met Pete on my first day at university,” Mattie began. “The computer matchmaking system, as we called it, had put us in a room together. It was totally love at first sight,” he added, getting a laugh.
“This guy never let me down, whether it was picking me up at two in the morning, or giving me the razzing I deserved for whatever I’d done to him. We were constantly one-upping each other.” He turned toward Chloë. “But he really one-upped me this time, Clo. He found his perfect match with a girl this time.” He chuckled. “And I can only say I am extremely happy he did.” He heard her click her tongue and say aww. “You’ve given Pete a piece of mind. Someone to come home to. Someone to be home for. Someone to make a home for. I know he pretended not to want the married life to many people, but he really did. He wanted to settle down and I’m so glad that you found him before he got too maudlin about the whole thing.” He heard her giggle. “He’s a good guy, Clo. You know that, I don’t have to tell you. But he always goes above what most do, when someone needs him. And just when things get too heavy, he lightens the load. I can’t even list the things he’s done for me and people I know over the years. So I know you’re in good hands, Clo. And I know, Petey, that you’re in good hands, because this woman has guided me down ski hills at speeds I probably don’t want to know, and I’m still standing here in one piece. I think she’ll steer you as well as that as your wife. I definitely know this is the perfect step ahead.
“And you, Chloë, well, he might miss supper because he’s towing out a stranger from a ditch, or taking a lost stuffed animal back to some kid, and you might get frustrated when he comes home smelling like gasoline or chainsaw oil, but it’s only because his heart is bigger than the hours on a clock. He is loyal as anyone I know. As we all know, I have personal reference to this. When things looked pretty grim for me, he was there. And he walked with me the whole way back on that journey, and never looked away or gave up on me. He’s pretty adaptable, when it means a lot to him, and you, Clo, mean the world to him. I’ve never seen him so drawn into a relationship, and so happy to be there. Well, I guess I didn’t technically see it this time, either, but...” he tilted his head to one side as if to throw off the comment. There were some chuckles in the group. Whenever he made a casual joke about not being able to see, he got the same reaction from anyone not closely attached to him. Some awkward laughter, as if they were unsure whether it was okay to laugh or not at something so, as they felt, negative.
“When he told me he was going to do it, and ask you to marry him, he was not the Pete I know. He was humble and nervous and afraid that you might say no, and I knew that he was all in, and that you had him so discombobulated that I actually enjoyed his discomfort, personally, but only because I knew you wouldn’t turn him down. He’s too right for you. You guys really work. There’s a love you share and it’s so obvious, even a blind guy can pretty much see the big heart around you.”
Peter and Chloë smiled at him and laughed, holding hands.
“I won’t embarrass you Peter, because I know you’re perfectly capable of doing that yourself, later, on the dance floor. But I want to wish you both the most beautiful and amazing lives together, congratulations to you both, I’m thrilled this day has come, and I’ll be really happy if you’ll still let me tag along sometimes. I love you both, congratulations.”
He heard both chairs slide back as the newlyweds stood to hug him.
“We love you, too,” Chloë said, her voice muffled into his shirt.
“We love you, too, Man,” Peter said. “You’re always welcome to tag along, anytime, Man.”
There was applause, and Mattie took his seat, relieved.
Peter stayed on his feet. “I’m glad you decided not to tell any of those tales you were t’reatenin’ to tell, Xav. Best keep those for later, when she’s worn down from the newness of this.”
Mattie laughed, raising his glass to that, and heard Peter chuckle.
“Well,” Peter said. “What can I say about my wife?” He looked at Chloë with love. “She’s made my life go from the black and white farm town of Kansas to the Technicolour awesomeness that is Oz. Without the flying monkeys. Maybe the witch. Well, some days, anyway,” he said, looking back at her. She gave him a look, laughing.
“Don’t push it, Buster,” she said, and he leaned down and gave her a kiss.
Mattie smiled, his eyes closing while he listened to Peter talk about meeting Chloë, and how he knew when he wanted to spend his life with her. He wished he could be on a journey like this, but he knew he had his own journey to make, and that it may never include a day like this one.
He heard the sound of something being wheeled along the floor and he was sure he smelled sugar nearby. He grinned, his assumption that it was the cake being confirmed with the guests’ comments. He listened as the excitement grew for the bride and groom to cut the cake, and he smiled and laughed along with everyone else, not knowing exactly what was happening, but getting the idea and going with it.
He didn’t mind giving cake a go. As Chloë brought him a piece, she told him exactly what the cake looked like. It sounded delicious, but when he tasted it, the picture blew right out of his mind. It couldn’t look half as good as it tasted. He was glad at the moment that it was vision he lacked and not taste buds.
“Thank Gahd dat’s over,” said Peter, leaning back. “Now we party. I’m wayyy better at that portion of the entertainment. Let’s get out of these monkey suits, too. I’ll take Chloë in the bridal wagon, and we’ll meet you back at the beach. Ready to get funky, Xav?”
Mattie only laughed, and shook his head. The three glasses of champagne had made him feel quite ready to make merry.
Small Mercies Chapter 52, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Amber may have struck out when it came to finding truly accessible adventures for them in Halifax, but she was a winner at improvising. They went to the aquarium and Amber led her brother right to the touch tank. She didn’t tell him her plan, and he complained the whole way.
“I want to see the fish, the big ones are so creepy. I don’t want to go by myself.”
Mattie sighed, hoping she didn’t want to spend all day there, when she stopped, pulling his hand down to a soft vinyl seat.
“Sit,” she said.
“Sidelined?” he asked. He could hear children making delighted sounds across from him.
“No, sit.” Amber sat down and Mattie turned and did the same.
“Here,” Amber said, placing his hand on the tile ledge behind them. She took his cane from his hand and folded it up, sitting it on the seat beside him.
“It’s wet,” he said.
“That’s because there’s water on the other side.”
“I hear it. What is it?”
“It’s a touching tank. There are two of them.”
Mattie put his hand forward and lowered it over the side until his fingers touched the water, and he pulled them back.
“What’s in there?” he asked.
“In this one, there are...” She leaned back, looking at the sign identifying the species in the tank. “Sea cucumbers, star fish, sea sponges, sand dollars, skates, and over there, there are turtles.”
Mattie debated momentarily between wondering how annoying it would be for the creatures to be picked up and poked on a daily basis by children, and wanting to be able to take part in the experience of the aquarium the only way he could.
“Can I give you a starfish?” she asked him.
He kept his hand out tentatively, and nodded.
He held the starfish gently in one hand and ran the other hand over the top it, feeling the rough, porous surface. He counted an unusual six arms, tiny, curled at the ends. Amber watched his fingers carefully investigate the sea creature, a smile touching his lips that he probably didn’t even know was there.
“It’s small,” he said. “Smaller than I always think of them.”
“Well, there are some bigger ones in here, too, I’ll see if I can get one. But I guess the big ones aren’t really what come naturally around here. This is mostly a research aquarium, so most of the fish are from this coast.”
“Is it a colour?” Mattie asked.
Amber smiled. “Yes. It’s kind of orange. There’s a little blue one over here.”
Mattie put his hand to the water, gently lowering the starfish. Amber gave him a bigger starfish, one with the proper five arms.
“This one is kinda yellow.”
She handed him creatures one by one, giving him advance notice of what he would be feeling.
“Are you sure you want the sea cucumber? It looks squidgy.”
Mattie grinned. “Yeah, I want you to pick it up,” he said.
“You’re just making me do it. Is it worth it to you?”
“Oh, definitely,” he said, his smile wicked.
“Damn it,” she said.
He listened to the noises she made as she tried to pick up the creature. When she finally had it cupped in her hands, she lifted it out and told him to put out his hands. She gently put the squishy sea cucumber into them and watched her brother’s face for his reaction. He did flinch, and almost threw it back in the water, but he fought the urge, and instead, began to examine it as he had the other creatures.
“Ew!” said a young voice nearby. “You’re touching the gross ones.”
Mattie turned to face the kid. “Did you touch it?” he asked.
“No-o,” said the kid. “They’re gross.”
“They probably think the same about you,” Mattie said and Amber laughed. He had such a wonderful way of interacting with kids that made them instant friends. He’d always seemed out of place with kids when he’d been one, and he never really spoke down to them as an adult, either.
The boy moved closer. “Isn’t it gross?”
Mattie gave him a smile. “Come’ere,” he said, motioning the kid over with a shake of his head. He felt the boy come close. “He’s just a little creature,” Mattie said. “Minding his own business. He doesn’t know that people think he’s gross, because he is perfectly happy doing what he does. We pull him out and tell him he’s gross, that’s really not very nice of us. What colour is he?”
“He’s brownish green. So?”
“So, I bet he blends right in when he hides from the big fish. He’s got his own camouflage.”
“But why is he so squishy and gross?”
“Did you touch him yet?”
“No.”
“Go ahead. He feels like leather because he doesn’t need to have scales. He’s got little prickles so no fish would want to eat him. I bet he keeps his house clean, and all the other fish probably like that, don’t you think?”
“Maybe,” said the kid, and Mattie could feel the boy touching the sea cucumber.
“I’ll put him back in,” Mattie said, carefully letting him go in the water. “He wants to go back to not being ugly, but doing what he’s happy doing, keeping the floor clean for the fish.”
Amber didn’t even know if the boy realised that Mattie couldn’t see. He had his sunglasses on, and the cane was folded up out of sight.
“I guess that’s cool,” said the boy.
Mattie smirked. “But not as cool as a starfish, right?”
“Right.”
“Or a shark.”
“Yeah, sharks are cool,” said the kid.
Amber watched a little girl approach curiously, quietly. “Hi,” she said, smiling at her.
“Who’s here?” Mattie asked her.
“A little girl. Hey, honey.”
Mattie smiled. Amber attracted kids wherever she went, somehow. She would have been a great primary school teacher, he’d always thought. She liked to look after kids, to keep them happy. Mattie always felt she just needed an excuse to play and colour.
“Here, Xav, try this one,” she said. “You can’t pick it up, though.”
“What are you showing me?” Mattie asked, deliberately not holding out his hand.
“A skate.”
“Skate? Like, a stingray?”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think it’s as big. There are two and they keep going around. One of them seems to stop when he gets rubbed, like he likes it.”
“Yeah? Weird. Okay. Send him over.” Mattie slowly put his hand forward and touched the water. He felt Amber’s hand touch the top of his, guiding it. He felt anxious, waiting to touch the skate. He wasn’t afraid, but it often was the anticipation of the unknown approaching that made him feel like he was.
“Here he comes. Ready?”
Mattie took a breath, ready. Amber’s hand put his down a bit and he felt the tough skin of the skate under his palm. He got an idea of its size as it passed under. He felt his body react in excitement over the contact. Amber readied him for the next pass.
The other skate came over slowly to inspect the new hands touching its tankmate, leaving the children on the other side.
“They look like they are giant dishcloths, flapping a bit at the corners,” Amber described to Mattie. “Okay, this guy likes attention, ready?”
Mattie nodded and Amber slid Mattie’s hand along the second skate, which stopped, hovering. Amber guided his hand under the ray, to touch the smooth white underside.
“The two sides don’t feel like the same creature,” Mattie said, concentrating on the fish. “The underneath is like satin. Or a baby’s bottom,” he said.
Amber was touching it, too. “So beautiful,” she said. “It’s so elegant.”
“Give the kids a chance,” said a woman nearby. “Can’t you just let them look at them? It’s for the kids.”
“It’s for everyone,” Amber said. “There’s no sign that says children only.”
“Well, you can just go look at the other fish while the kids are all here, can’t you? I mean, come back when there’s no kids, and that would be fine.”
“My brother—” Amber started, but Mattie stood up, reaching out and touching her arm, and she pinched her mouth shut.
Mattie turned to the woman. “There are plenty of things to touch in here, and the skates will come to whoever is interesting. They will do as they will. I’m here to look at the fish, too, and this pool is the only way I can see them. So, to be fair, the kids can go look at the other fish until I’m done seeing them.”
“He’s blind,” said Amber, with some satisfaction. She watched the woman’s face look confused and then shocked. She looked toward Mattie.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” said the woman, looking like she wanted to disappear into the floor.
“Mum? What did she say?” asked the boy.
“Shhh, Jason.”
“But what did she say?” he asked again.
The woman took the chance to usher her son away, telling him quietly that the man couldn’t see.
Amber made an exasperated noise, and Mattie dropped his head back, shaking it in dismay. He sighed and sat back down on the bench, but he didn’t turn back to the pool.
“Bitch,” Amber said under her breath.
“She didn’t know,” Mattie said, trying to be reasonable.
“Who the fuck cares? Anyone can be here. It’s not just for her stupid kids.”
“Shhh,” Mattie said, a nervous laugh breaking his anger for a moment. “They’re still there.”
“Not for long,” Amber said, watching three of the kids being moved along by their mother. She looked at her brother. “Come on, don’t let her ruin our day. Here, I’m giving you a really cool starfish, look at this one.”
Mattie turned, the excitement gone this time, but he put his hand out anyway, and Amber put the starfish into it. His face became interested and puzzled.
“It has seven legs,” he said, frowning.
“It must have lost a couple and compensated by growing two for one of them,” Amber said. “They’re just improvising, I guess, and moving on. It’s adaptation, in nature, Xav.”
Mattie twitched his cheek. Amber and her little lessons. He felt the suction-cup-like sections on the underside of the starfish. “What colour is it?”
“Kinda red. Pinkish.”
Mattie slowly let the starfish drop down through the water. Things just went on living, adapting to the situations they found themselves in. The only difference was, the other starfish didn’t act like there was anything different about the six-and-seven-armed starfish. It was only people that cared about that.
“Did you want to see the big tanks?” Mattie asked Amber.
“No, I just wanted to come here so we could touch the fish.”
“Are you sure? I mean, we paid the admission.”
“I’m good. Are you done?” He nodded. “Are you sure?” she asked. He nodded again. “Okay,” she said, picking up his cane and his messenger bag and handing them to him. “Come on.” When he was ready, he tapped his cane down so the joints locked together and nodded. She placed his outstretched hand on her elbow and they headed back toward the entrance. They passed the mother with the three kids and Amber glared at her. She was angry the women had put a damper on their enjoyment and she wanted to push her into the seal pond. The women eyed Mattie’s white cane, and glanced at Amber and then looked away.
She blinked her eyes as they returned to the bright sun, and she put on her sunglasses. She had a little trouble finding their car in the parking lot, but she didn’t tell her brother, though she figured he guessed, when she kept walking and turning. He didn’t let on, if he did.
When she took his hand and placed it on the car, he turned to her. “Thanks, A. That was really a good idea. I don’t think I’ve ever held a live starfish before, and I know I haven’t touched a skate or anything like that. Thank-you.”
She put her hand on his arm. “You’re welcome, Hun. It was fun.”
Mattie climbed into the car, and folded his cane. “So what’s next on your itinerary?” he asked when he heard Amber sitting beside him.
“Food. And then I want to go through some of the downtown shops again. More of them, I mean. We didn’t really get a chance before to go in very many.”
Mattie knew there would be odd steps and little shops with glass counters and trinkets and breakables in corners, and he didn’t really feel like being the bull in the china shop, but he would, for Amber. She parked once again in a parking lot and fed money into the metre while Mattie got ready. They stopped for a salad and a sandwich at a small eatery before hitting the streets.
Amber didn’t tell Mattie about the people who looked at them as they walked along together. She didn’t tell about the people who looked anywhere but at them as they walked past. People made the usual wide birth, or acted like neither of them existed, nearly running into them. Amber knew her brother suspected these things always happened, and she didn’t need to draw a line under the fact.
“Narrow door, one cement step,” Amber said, stepping up, pulling on the gold door handle. Mattie awkwardly followed, wedging himself in behind her. He kept his cane close to his body, not knowing how tight the quarters were and what he could damage with on small sweep. Amber carefully guided him around the shelves and racks.
“What are you looking at?” he asked her.
“There are all sorts of things here. It’s like a shop of all things. Postcards, magnets, kitchen gadgets, aprons, t-shirts, hoodies, plates, books...”
“Books? What sort of books?” Mattie asked.
“Probably not Braille,” Amber said.
“No, I know that, but what kind? I just want to know.”
Amber took him over to the books and read the titles on the covers. Mattie stood with a smile, listening, interested.
“Hello,” said a shop assistant, coming up behind them. “Do you need any help finding anything?”
“No, we’re just browsing, thank you,” Amber replied.
“Are you from the city?”
“No, we’re here from New Brunswick, on a little road trip,” Amber said.
“Oh, lovely,” said the shop assistant. “Are you enjoying it so far?”
Mattie nodded, and Amber told her they’d just been at the aquarium.
They continued browsing for a while, and then moved on to the next shop. Mattie endured wool shops and souvenir shops and toy shops and soap shops. Amber found a used book store and they hunted through it. Mattie still had a deep curiosity for old books and wonderful books, and though Amber really didn’t know why it mattered so much, she looked through as many as she could and handed him the most interesting ones, which he put to his nose and breathed in, and felt all over with careful fingers.
They explored a pawn shop, and Amber tried to give Mattie as much information about their surroundings as she could. She found at the end of days like this, her voice was hoarse, but she wanted to give Mattie everything she could so he could experience as much as she did. She put coins into his hands, telling him where they were from and how old they were. She put lead typeset into his hands and let him feel the fine grooves and smooth surfaces. He held his hands out eagerly. He had given up being reluctant and reserved about how he saw things in the past year or so. His curiosity far outweighed his reservations about being seen as full-on blind. He was caring less and less about how blind he looked, it mattered so little to him these days. Amber knew it came with acceptance and being comfortable with who he was, and comfortable with being seen that way by his friends and family.
In a little craft store, Mattie was exploring a bucket full of tumbled stones while Amber looked at earrings. They were smooth, and some weighed very little, while others seemed heavy for their size. He slid his thumb over the surface of the stone in his hand, wondering if it was pink, or blue, or purple. He didn’t find himself needing faces as much as he needed colours. He could still see them when he wanted to, unlike the faces that moved and turned and disappeared in his mind’s eye.
He dropped the stone back into the bucket and inched his fingertips along the counter beside it, finding another plastic bucket, this time with what he knew were geodes. Crystal geodes had always been a favourite of both Amber and Mattie, and had drawn their eye in many a shop of trinkets. They were easy to distinguish even now, with their seemingly benign appearance on the outside surface, but with the stone chiselled in half, Mattie discerned very easily the open cavity in the centre with the rough edges of the shattered crystal lining the interior.
“Whadjya find?” Amber said, coming back over to him.
“Geodes,” he replied, picking up a second stone that felt heavy.
“Cool. That one you have in your left hand is really, really cool.”
“Yeah?” Mattie felt the second stone. It was seemingly as ordinary as the other on the outside, but the inside glittered with crystal; he could feel its many tiny surfaces which would reflect the light with sparkles.
“’Kay, this part?” Amber said, taking the first rock from his right hand and guiding it back to the second rock in his left. “Here in the middle? It’s purple, like an amythyst. And then there’s a layer of lavender in between, and then a thicker layer of kind of a pale turquoise crystal. Three for one.” She leaned in, looking through the bucket. “I think you found the prettiest one, right there.”
Mattie smiled. He presumed it was just luck, but it did seem funny that he had examined that one under his fingertips and had found it more interesting than the others.
“You should get it,” Amber said.
“I was thinking I could buy it for Lilla,” Mattie said.
“Oh, yeah! She would love that. Yeah, you should get it for her. Most definitely.”
Mattie smiled. “Okay. You find anything?”
“I’m cheating,” she said. “I’m getting these butterfly earrings for me.
He chuckled. “You need butterfly earrings,” Mattie agreed. She smiled and looped her arm through his, pulling him close to her side, and they walked to the counter together.
Mattie put the little gift wrapped in tissue into his messenger bag after he’d paid, and Amber put her new earrings on as soon as they were back on the sidewalk. Mattie could almost detect that she was shining more, just from the way she was walking. Sometimes, a person just needed a sweet pick-me-up to make life joyful for the moment.
They continued along their way, and Amber had her opportunity to look at MacTavish tartans. As expected, the kilts were expensive, but Amber loved looking through the shop.
“You need this,” Amber said, holding something up against Mattie’s chest. He knew as soon as he touched it that it was a tie. “You need this for work. It’s cool! You and your vests and nice jackets, this would look very fetching. I’m buying it for you.”
“Is it expensive? Nice ties are expensive. Familial tartan ties are extra expensive.”
“I’ll get it for your birthday. You’re getting this tie, MacTavish.
“Well, then,” Mattie said, turning. “Then I have to get you something, too.”
“Oh, Xav, they do have a vest! Maybe you need this instead.”
“I’ll look like a Hobbit,” Mattie said. “A plaid vest!”
“You can pull it off,” Amber told him.
“Pick something out,” he said. “What do you like?”
“I like this vest for you,” Amber teased.
“Can I get you a hat? A hair bow? A hanky?” A smirk played around his mouth. “How about a pair of oven mitts?”
“They don’t even have oven mitts, idiot,” Amber said.
“Hey, that kind of attitude ain’t gonna win you any tartan,” Mattie said.
“Okay, okay. You’re not an idiot. You’re a brilliant pain-in-the-ass.”
“You wanted to come look at tartan, we’re here looking at tartan, and I’m asking you if there is anything here that isn’t hundreds of dollars that you would like to have as a souvenir of our time and our ancestry.”
Amber, who had eyed the kilts and a black wool coat with tartan cuffs and collar, turned her gaze back to the soft wool flannel scarves hanging along a rack. She slid Mattie’s hand off her arm and patted it. He stood waiting, hands wrapped around his cane, leaning on it casually. She returned to him and ran the fabric along the back of his hand. He clutched it, feeling how soft it was.
“Scarf,” Amber said. “It looks kinda like the one you have of Granddad’s. Except much wider.”
“Wow, that feels beautiful,” Mattie said. “What do you think?”
“I liked it until I touched it, and now I think I want to just move inside of it and live there forever.”
Mattie nodded, a smile on his closed lips. “Then it’s yours,” he said, taking it from her. She’d mentioned this store so many times, he knew he wasn’t about to let her leave without something tartan.
Mattie didn’t know that when Amber told the woman behind the counter that she wanted to buy the tie, she also put the vest down, motioning with a finger on her lips to keep that one a secret from her brother standing right beside her. Amber glanced at her total, which the woman had rung in without saying the result out loud, and passed over her credit card.
Mattie went next, and once again, the flat package went into his messenger bag. He’d often wondered how he’d managed his whole adult life without somewhere to put everything he was carrying. He had realised that now, he often only had one hand free to carry, and if he was grasping someone’s elbow, that meant there were no free hands to carry anything.
They hit the streets once again. Mattie treated Amber to a Creamsicle from an ice cream cart, and they contemplated climbing Citadel Hill. They had been there several times as children, and Mattie could remember the barracks and the stone walls and the museum of articles from the history of the fortressed port defense. Mattie knew the road leading to the top of the hill was in the shape of a star, if you could look at it from above. He knew the green hills in between the cuts of road often were spotted with people enjoying the weather and the view. Sometimes there were gatherings and concerts there, and often the past was brought to life by real-life soldiers who wore the army dress of centuries before.
In the end, they opted to keep walking downtown, and soon, Amber made a sound of happy surprise.
“Oh! Okay, you’ll like this place,” she said, leading him towards the shop. “No steps, just a rubber mat. Door, right.” They went into the building and Mattie smiled instantly.
“You know, don’t you? How do you know?”
“Know what?” Mattie said, trying to look puzzled, without success.
“You can probably hear the piano strings reverberating with the movement of customers,” Amber said with mock annoyance.
“No, it’s the un-amped guitar over there.”
“Oh.” Amber turned and sure enough, there was a young guy plucking quietly on a guitar while a girl looked on over on the other side of the room. “Why didn’t I hear that?”
“You weren’t listening,” Mattie replied.
Amber nodded, admitting he was right, and then led him to a baby grand piano and put his hand on the closed keyboard cover. She carefully helped him tip it up to reveal the keys.
“Wow,” Amber said. “Nothing like our piano,” she said. “No chipped ivories. They probably all work, too.”
“Ours all work except that one way up on the top. I fixed all of them,” Mattie said, exploring the keys and the smooth, polished wood framing them. “This is very classy. I could get used to playing something like this.” He touched a chord and breathed in the warm, perfect sound that it made. It was a soulless piano, made to be hollow and open to interpretation. Over time, it would develop its personality and tone, but Mattie enjoyed hearing a piano that just played beautifully, the way the pieces were meant to be heard in a concert hall. He tried another chord, this time with both hands.
“Play something,” Amber said.
“I don’t think they want the customers to think it’s performance time.”
“I think they’ll make an exception for you. Play the Chopin Nocturn.”
Mattie smiled at her. She put her hand on his arm. “Please. They won’t stop you.”
Mattie reached down and felt for the bench, and slid onto it. Amber gave a little clap of excitement, taking his cane he offered her, and sat beside him. She had learned the piece back in her piano lesson days, but she couldn’t still play it. But her brother had always managed to put more passion into it than she ever had.
He lightly touched the keys, finding the placement easily, and began playing the Nocturn, Opus nine, number two. He played for less than five minutes, but when he was done, the two employees and the six customers were all standing around the piano, clapping. Mattie was surprised, and instantly blushed, bowing his head in diffidence.
“That was beautiful,” said Amber, bumping her shoulder against his in an attempt to bring him back out of the shyness that had overtaken him. “Eight people agree with me,” she informed him, and Mattie heard a chorus of agreement.
Someone approached Mattie on the left. “We often try to dissuade people from playing this all the time, but I think I can say I’d be really happy if you played another. Oh, I’m Tim Holt, by the way, I own this shop with my cousin.”
“He’s holding his hand out to you,” Amber said, a simple narration she said without hesitation.
Mattie quickly put out his hand and Tim shook it. “Hi, thank you. Matthew MacTavish. This is my sister, Amber. I don’t want to overstay my welcome, I wasn’t even sure if we were permitted to—”
“Yes, yes, please, by all means.”
“You’ve been practising a lot lately, haven’t you?” Amber asked. She knew he found his way to the piano many times over the months and years of his adulthood, and he’d never lost his ability the way Amber had over time, but since he’d rediscovered his hands and the music and joy of being in his university band, he’d become very adept at it once again. She often came over to hear him wiling away his boredom, anger, sadness, or whatever sent him to surround himself in music. Sometimes she’d remain quiet and just listen for a while. Sometimes he knew when she was there, when he finished the last note. Often, she asked him to continue, and she would make tea and drink hers while curled up on his chesterfield, watching him.
“I don’t know what to play,” Mattie said in a low voice. “What do I play?” His mind was blank.
“Play the Moonlight Sonata,” Amber whispered. “Everyone loves that one.”
Mattie centred himself again, hearing the Sonata in his mind. The people around him disappeared again into the darkness and the music filled the empty places as he began to play. He played the full Adagio sostenuto, and for six minutes, no-one in the shop moved, except to turn when an older gentleman in a brown suit entered and gravitated towards the music.
Amber watched Mattie, his hands almost caressing the keys under his fingertips, his eyes closed, his face relaxed. She marvelled that he had memorised so many of these pieces, refreshing them in his head after he could no longer read the sheet music by listening to them played on radio, CD, and MP3 until he could almost see the notes on the page. He told her that hearing them played was almost a visual experience to him now, that part of his brain that lay dormant without input was firing its own story in response.
Bliss, was the word Amber thought when she looked at his face as he played.
When he finished, again, the applause broke out. Tim thanked him, and told him he could come play any time, it could only help his business. Mattie laughed, but told him that it would be a little far to travel for a free gig. The customers began to move back to their browsing and Tim asked Mattie and Amber from where they were visiting. They talked pianos and music and other instruments for about fifteen minutes, and Mattie took Tim’s card.
“If you’re ever ready to take a sweet piano like this home, I’ll give you the best deal around,” he said, giving a friendly wink to Amber.
When they left the music shop, Mattie thanked his sister for stopping there. She hugged his arm and thanked him for playing.
“You made everyone’s day,” she said.
“I don’t know if I made everyone’s day,” he said, shaking his head.
“Well, you did. Deal with it. You’re spreading joy to those less fortunate. Now, I’m hungry. Are you hungry?”
Mattie shrugged. She was hungry again. He had to think about whether he felt hungry or not.
“How are you not starving?” Amber said. “I hate that you don’t even notice when you should be hungry. Stop being so skinny and making me feel fat.”
“Amber, I haven’t seen your backside for over three years, but I still know you’re not fat. I’m not as skinny as I was, am I?”
“No,” Amber said. “You’ve definitely improved yourself. You’re looking pretty fit, actually. Are you still going to the gym at work?”
“Yeah. I have a gym buddy named Oliver who helps me with the good workouts. Still don’t have the treadmill figured out, though. It’s too hard when I can’t see.”
“Call Craig, see if you can borrow that thing you use at his gym.”
Mattie nodded. “I may. So, what does your little stomach desire, then?”
“Lobster. Or Greek souvlaki. Or maybe Chinese.”
“So you’re open to everything, then. Well, I’ll give you the job of keeping an eye out for somewhere nice. And if I smell anything good, I’ll give you a heads up.”
They ended up in a medium-priced restaurant which was gently lit by tiny white lights and softly-lit overhead fixtures. Amber read Mattie the menu and they took their time ordering. Amber gave her brother the details of their surroundings, and let him know where the door was, the kitchen, and the bathrooms. They decided to make a pit-stop in the latter and Amber peeked in the empty men’s bathroom and gave Mattie the layout before leaving him to it. She waited for him and guided him back to the table and soon, Amber’s plate of beef souvlaki and Mattie’s plate of chicken souvlaki arrived.
“How’s it look?” he asked Amber when the waitress had left their table.
“Delicious. How’s it smell?”
Mattie smiled, nodding his head. “Delicious.”
It was indeed delicious, and they took what they couldn’t eat back to their little inn for a late night recap. It had grown chilly so their walk back to the car was hurried.
When they got back to their room, Amber turned on the television and plugged in the electric kettle. She rehashed the day’s events joyfully, and Mattie smiled at his recollections.
“Thanks, Amber. You know you always remember to tell me everything. It means a lot to me, you know. Like, you tell me so many things that I’d have no idea about... things that I need to know, and things that just make the details better. I... it just means a lot to me.” He lowered his gaze, as always, shy about opening his feelings to an invisible room.
“You don’t ever need to thank me for that, Xav. I try to always remember, and I feel bad about things I miss for you.”
“It’s pretty great that you made the effort to make everything between us the exact same as before, even though you learned how to do things completely different for me. I’m not sure how you managed to do that so seamlessly, but it sure makes things easier, and not... weird, you know?”
“To tell you the truth, Xav, I was scared to death for a long time that it would be weird... between us. But once you came home, it was very short-lived with us, wasn’t it? I barely remember any weirdness between us. It’s just been... like this.”
“I appreciate it,” Mattie mumbled, nodding in her direction.
“You’re very welcome,” Amber said. “Now, do you want to watch a sitcom, or a science show, or a history show? Or a movie from... nineteen-eighty-five?”
“Nothing newer?”
“Let me keep looking.”
They found a more recent comedy, and Amber finally found the menu to change the settings on the TV to descriptive video for Mattie, and he instantly felt more at home. They ate the rest of their leftovers from supper, and talked about what they might do the following day before returning back home.
Mattie fell asleep easily that night, due to good food and the day’s exercise. He slept straight through until eight. He woke up before Amber, he could hear her soft even breathing which told him she was still asleep, so he quietly took his clothes and went to the bathroom to shower.
When he came out, dressed but barefoot, Amber was awake, sitting on her bed.
“Morning, Sunshine,” she said to him.
“Hey, how was your sleep?” he asked her, returning to his suitcase to find some socks.
“I don’t think I woke up once,” she replied.
“Me, either,” Mattie said, feeling around in the pocket until he located socks. He sat on the bed to put them on.
“I’m hungry,” Amber whined.
“Aren’t you still full from last night? I am,” Mattie said.
“Oh, don’t you dare,” Amber said. “I’m gonna get a shower, too, and then we can pack up and head out. Anything you want to do?”
“Let’s go back to the waterfront,” Mattie said. “I’m debating on whether I want to climb the Citadel or not today.”
Amber laughed, and took her clothes and shampoo to the bathroom to take her shower.
They had breakfast at a place that made crêpes, and Amber quickly cut Mattie’s strawberry crêpe into bite-sized pieces, before he decided to be ashamed of the offer. She had a mango-peach-pineapple crêpe, and both came loaded down with cream.
Amber never commented on her brother’s use of the fingers of one hand making sure his utensil was loaded properly. She never laughed at any mess he made. She told him if he had something on his face or his shirt. His aim was good, but the odd time, he misjudged the proximity of his hand to his mouth. She had watched him struggle a few years ago, trying to figure out hand-mouth co-ordination, and how to locate food and know he had something on his fork before putting it to his mouth. He’d come up many times sampling an empty fork. She knew she couldn’t feed him herself, but she wanted to make sure he was comfortable figuring it out for himself. She knew he had developed a shyness about eating in front of others. She let him take his time, didn’t make a big deal about anything, and gave him as much heads up on the table settings and his plate as he needed.
She saw his fork searching the plate one last time. She’d finished her crêpe long before he had, but sat enjoying her coffee, letting him finish at his own pace.
“You got it all, Hun, plate’s clean,” she told him.
“That was really good,” Mattie said, silently grateful to her.
“Yeah, it was. You all powered up now? Ready to walk the hill?”
Mattie smiled. “I think I can do it today.”
“Do you want to do it today. I mean, do you want to go to the museum up there? I know you don’t think museums can be for you anymore, but I bet we can figure out a way they can be. It’s the old army barracks, so you already have the ambiance to go on. I’ll describe it to you, you’ll remember it from before, I bet.”
“Let’s do it,” Mattie said. “Mum will ask us if we walked up it and we need to be able to say yes.”
“She did love to go to the historical sites. You take after her.”
“Alright, well, let’s get this show on the road,” Mattie said, and put down a twenty-dollar bill. “D’she bring us the cheque?”
“She’s coming now. Let me pay for this one,” Amber said.
“Nope, too late. You can drop the tip.” Mattie unfolded his cane and got ready to go while Amber settled up the bill and the tip.
They started at the bottom of the hill, and wound their way up the star-shaped road. Amber told Mattie everything she could see: the harbour, the clock tower, the people lying on the grass enjoying the sun. She smiled at the people they passed that smiled at them, going up, coming down. Mattie’s cane always got people’s attention, good and bad, but today, it seemed to just invite kind smiles toward the siblings.
“I can only see the flagpoles up there, and the green mounds. I can’t see Fort George, yet, though.”
“Any kilted Seventy-Eighth Highlanders in sight?”
“Not yet. You should get a picture with them.”
“Why just me? We could both get in the picture. You can send it to Mum. Shit, we should have worn the tie and scarf, we could go all-out tartan.”
Amber did her best once again to give Mattie as much description as she could as they approached the fort, and entered. The stone walk under Mattie’s feet was smoothed out from years of foot traffic, but he could still feel the texture under his sneakers. His cane caught a couple of times on the joins in the surface, but it gave him more information than he’d have just standing there. He could hear the echoes off the stones in the walls, and Amber took him alongside the outer walls and let him explore with his hands.
Once back inside the barracks, they walked through the divided interiors, which housed the military museum, with artefacts from the centuries of fortification, since it had been first founded in seventeen-forty-nine. Amber knew Mattie wouldn’t be able to touch most of the artefacts, so she told him about the best stuff, and let him touch things that were available to him, the stone walls, the open-framework of the arches and doors, even the floors. She tried to jog his memory of things that had been there when he was young, and still remained to this day, so that he could connect some visual memory with what he was surrounded by presently.
When they had passed through and were back outside, Amber saw the cannon sitting up on its stone platform. There were three members of the army in their re-enactment gear standing nearby. Amber led her brother toward them.
“Hi,” she said pleasantly, and the three greeted her warmly.
“Can my brother touch this cannon?” Amber asked. “There’s not a lot for him to touch, but I hope you can help us out.”
“Of course,” said one of the officers, moving towards the cannon. “Come on over.”
Amber guided her brother to the cannon and placed his hand on it. He tucked his cane under his arm and reached out with both hands, feeling the cool iron of the cannon. He went to squat down a bit to explore it further, and Amber took his cane for him so he could check it out freely.
He could feel how heavy it was, just from the girth of the barrel and the thickness of the walls at the muzzle. He felt the wheels it sat on, and the place where the cannon would be ignited. As he was inspecting the weapon, the officer gave them some history and facts about that cannon, and other interesting features of the Citadel. Amber informed Mattie that the man had on the kilt and the tall bearskin hat as she’d expected, and he smiled toward her.
“It’s nearly noon,” said the officer. “And we set this beast off every day at twelve on the dot.”
“Yeah?” Mattie asked, intrigued. That was an event he could witness himself, though he realised they were probably telling him so they’d move away safely.
“Would you like to set it?” asked the officer.
Mattie imagined the officer was talking to his men, but no-one answered.
“Xav?” said Amber, letting him know it was him being addressed.
“Me?” he asked.
“Yup,” said the officer. “It’s pretty loud, but it’s a rush.”
“Tourists are allowed to light the cannon?” Amber asked.
“No, not generally,” said the officer. “But since you really don’t get to take in the sights of the site...” He smiled a little at his pun. “I want to offer you something that others don’t get to do.”
“Is it dangerous?” Mattie asked.
“No, you just stand back and light the fuse with something like a huge match. There’s no actual cannonball, we just set off gunpowder. Like blanks.”
“Ah, cool. But I can’t see the fuse to light it.”
“We can give you a hand with that,” said the officer.
Mattie was thrilled to be offered the chance to set the cannon off. Amber could see the excitement in Mattie’s face, and she smiled, standing back and letting him take the moment.
They told him about the clock tower, which was used for accurate time for hundreds of years, and would be used today. They let Mattie examine the object he would use to light the fuse, which was a three-foot long stick with a split in it to hold the match, called the botefeux.
He knew the process was ceremonial, that he wouldn’t light the match, and he wouldn’t set the fuse without their hand guiding his. But he would still feel the fuse light, through the stick, he would hear the sound of the spark moving through the vent into the barrel, and the boom as the gun powder exploded. He could feel his excitement building in anticipation of that boom.
“Okay... what’s your name?” said the officer.
“Matthew.”
“Okay, Matthew, so we have a set of silencing headphones for you and your sister, here.” Mattie put his hand out and felt the object tap against his fingers. “We’re counting down, now, so in about thirty seconds, Corporal Rickard is going to light the match, and I’ll help you to let ’er fly! You ready?” the officer spoke loudly so that Mattie could hear him once he’d put the headphones on.
Mattie nodded, shifting one of the earpads from his ear so he could hear the instructions.
“We’ll light it, and I want you to step back three steps and make sure your headphones are on tight.”
Mattie nodded again. “Am?”
“I’m right here,” Amber said, a short distance behind them.
Mattie felt the tug at the end of the botefeux, and he quickly popped the earpad over his ear snugly as he heard the sound of a match being struck, and he felt more tugging through the stick. Then, the officer’s hand was next to his, guiding the match to the fuse.
“Five, four, three, two, one,” the officer called to him, and Mattie readied himself.
The match set to the fuse and took off, the spark making a fizzing sound though the headphones that swirled around him, inviting images of battlefields flashing in his mind. He did as he’d been asked, and stepped back three steps, feeling Amber’s hands grasp his shoulders, closing his eyes automatically as he pressed each hand on the headphones over his ears. The boom that burst forth thumped against his heart, and he could feel the force of the blast against his body, even without artillery. It was as if the air had jumped back against him.
He couldn’t speak for a minute. He felt himself smiling like a madman. He knew what it was to stand behind a cannon and set it off toward enemies unseen, experiencing what it must have felt like to fire upon the foe in battles long passed. He could smell the gunpowder all around him, imagining for a moment that they were all in the same predicament, momentarily unable to see anything around them through the smoke.
“Great job, Soldier,” he heard the officer shout, and he took his headphones from his ears. The man took up his hand and shook it.
He grinned. “Thanks, Sir. It was a pleasure to serve.”
Amber was bouncing all around him, her hands on his shoulders. “You did it! You did it! Was it cool?”
He nodded. “That was really awesome,” he said. “Awesome and loud. Did you hold your earmuffs?”
“You bet I did,” she replied.
They thanked the officers profusely for their kindness and generosity, passing back the headphones. The officers thanked Mattie for his help, and told him they were glad they could give him something to experience first-hand. Sometimes, a soldier’s duty was to do good for their citizens, and they were glad to give him the opportunity. He and Amber left in great spirits, Mattie buzzing on the high of firing an early nineteenth-century cannon.
They decided to head back down, grab something to eat, and then head for home. Amber could tell Mattie was pretty pleased with the day; he was practically shining with pride and happiness.
They bought sandwiches and Cokes and sat outside to eat them. Amber gave Mattie scenery to fill his mind’s eye while they ate. They took their time, not in any hurry to make the journey home. Heading back to the car, Mattie returned to the topic of the cannon.
“I never would have been able to do that if I wasn’t blind,” he said, matter-of-factly.
She shook her head. “Nope. Probably not.”
He sighed, but he had a content smile on his lips.
“I guess you’re kinda lucky, then,” she offered, unlocking the car doors, and was relieved when he chuckled.
“I guess so.”
“So when’s our next road trip?” Amber asked with a cheeky grin as they climbed into the car.
She thought he was about to pass it off, but he gave her a lopsided smile. “Bring it,” he said brazenly.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
“So call him already.” Mattie stood outside, holding Amber’s shovel.
“I’m scared.”
“What are you going to lose if you call him? You don’t have him now. You call him, he brushes you off, you’re not in for any less.”
“Yeah, but I still have hope now. If he brushes me off, I won’t even have that.”
“So you’re just going to not call him, then.”
“Well, he’s just not going to call me, so...” She took the shovel back from Mattie and filled in the hole she’d made to put in a bridal wreath bush.
Mattie leaned on his cane. “So you’re giving up on the fair Riley; that does not seem like you at all.”
“That’s not fair. I don’t usually call the guy. I don’t want to be one of those annoying girls that keeps calling and doesn’t take the hint. Remember Jeanie Roberts? She just thought all the boys loved her, but she was kinda pathetic.”
“Well, you’re definitely nothing like Jeanie Roberts. And if you don’t even call him once, I don’t really think that can be considered annoying. You’re far from a stalker.”
Amber groaned.
“What happened with Trent, anyway? He didn’t last long.”
“No. We just... didn’t see eye to eye on important things.”
“Ah. Kicked to the curb.”
“Yup,” she said, stamping down on the earth to pack it. She reached over and pulled Mattie’s hand up to her elbow and started toward the house with him turning and following her lead. She slid his hand from her elbow and placed it on the railing of the front steps of the verandah and leaned the shovel against the side of the deck. She went up the stairs and Mattie moved up beside her.
“What are we gonna do, Xav? Are we really so pathetic?”
“Apparently we suck pretty royally,” Mattie replied.
Amber didn’t answer. She didn’t want to agree with him out loud.
“Are we in a rut?” she finally asked. “Do we have to do something preposterous again to remember how fabulous we are?”
“What are you thinking? Skydiving? Hang-gliding? Maybe a parachute drop with skis onto a mountain?”
Amber gave him a bewildered glare. “I was thinking of less danger. Maybe a road trip to somewhere different. We could go to Halifax.”
“Road trips are fraught with danger,” Mattie replied. “Besides, what do I get out of a road trip?”
“You get a destination with different tastes and smells and a harbour and a thriving downtown core and a citadel and cannons and music. And markets. What’s not for you?”
“I don’t think that bustling waterfront happens until summer,” Mattie said. “It’s only May.”
“It all starts after Victoria Day. A few weeks and things get going. And exams will all be over. I’ll help you marking if you need it.”
“Do you ever regret not travelling to places you wanted to see?”
“What do you mean? We went all over the place as kids.”
“Just anywhere you could drive. We never went to Europe, or South America, or Asia. We never even got to Bermuda or the Bahamas like so many people we knew. Don’t you regret it?”
“Well, I’m not dead yet,” Amber said. “There’s still a chance I’ll travel somewhere.”
“Yeah,” Mattie said. “I guess so.”
“You, too,” she said.
“Yeah. Probably not,” Mattie said.
“You can still travel, Bro. It’d be different, but still enjoyable, still valid, still doable.”
“Yeah, I can hear about the view from the Eiffel Tower while standing at the Eiffel Tower.”
“No, more than just hearing about the views. Why are you thinking about travelling?”
“I don’t know. You talking about Halifax, and... I was talking about it with Jennifer a few weeks ago. She travelled a bit, and... I realised that I won’t ever get to see any of the things people dream of seeing. It just hit me a bit harder than I expected.”
Amber opened the door, touching Mattie’s sleeve to let him know she was going inside. He held his hand out to the screen door, keeping it open as he passed through.
Amber headed to wash her hands, calling back to him. “I didn’t even think about that, Xav. I’m sorry. I still think you could enjoy it in other ways. Don’t rule it out. Maybe you’ll have someone to travel with who makes it more special to you than just going and looking at old structures and paintings.” She came back into the living room, where Mattie was standing near the window. “You never know,” she said. “Don’t rule anything out, Hun. Don’t underestimate yourself. Leave that to everyone else.”
Mattie groaned, tipping his head back. “You say all the right things,” he said, glibly.
“Come on, Xav. It will be a good break. You need to break out of your box.”
“I know my box. I’m less likely to die in my box. Please don’t break my box.”
“You’re rambling. Stop making excuses.”
“I’m not making excuses. I have legitimate reasons.”
“I think they’re the same thing in this instance. You have lots of time between now and convocation. You have all the essays done and you only have the easy, boring shit to grade, and I can help with that if you give me a grading key I don’t have to read with my fingers. Please, Xav, I want to go, and I don’t have anyone else. You and I always do this stuff together. Come on!”
“Amber, It’s not the same. I don’t think it’s fair that you have to drive the whole time. And it’s not fair that you have to pretty much drag me around with you like an inattentive ball and chain.”
“Stop it, Xav. It’s also not fair that you can’t see the view from the Citadel and you can’t look at the colourful crafts being sold on the street. Nope, it’s not fair. And you know what else? It’s not fair that we can’t fly to somewhere beautiful like other people do, and spend money like there’s no tomorrow. And it’s not fair that I can’t get a decent pair of jeans that fit my hips and my waist. And it’s not fair that neither one of us is with someone when all of our friends have hooked up.”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” he said, holding up his hands.
“I’m saying that things aren’t fair. And you just work with what you got. And I got you, and you got me. I have a decent car that will get us across the country if need be. You have money. I have credit cards. I don’t mind driving. You know how to work that map thing on your phone. You can be the navigator.”
“The ironic navigator,” he mumbled.
“Think of the bagpipe music. You can use them as sound landmarks around the city.”
Mattie just gave her the exasperated look she had expected to see on his face, and she patted his arm. “You made it around Halifax just fine before,” she said. “Didn’t you do any kind of touring?”
“I guess I was too busy learning how to find my bed, and not fall over fire hydrants,” he said.
Amber said nothing to that, because she knew it was true. He couldn’t have enjoyed Halifax that way then.
“You should go back,” she said. “I mean, not to the school, I mean to the city. And then we can go to Montréal next. ”
“I am not even agreeing to Halifax, and you want me going to Montréal?”
“I would take you to Cairo if I could afford it,” she said.
“Yeah, there’s really nothing more rewarding than taking a blind guy to see the pyramids and the deserts and the Sphinxes.”
Amber almost replied but then realised she had no argument for that. At least, not at the moment. She would have to think on that for a while and get back to him.
“Well, I’m taking one to smell the air off the bay and hear the buskers in the streets of Halifax, so...”
“Amber. I don’t want a road trip. I don’t want to sightsee. I don’t want to be somewhere I don’t know.”
“For someone so daring, you’re a big chicken,” she said.
“You think it’s so simple, well, it’s not. It’s hard. It’s so much harder than it was. I can’t just pack a bag, hop in a car, and drive somewhere. I have to have a plan, I have to have an arm, and all these stupid gadgets and aids to do anything. I have to have a drive and a running commentary about what is going on. It’s not a vacation, Amber. It’s work. For everyone involved.”
Amber knew that he did need those things, but she also knew that it was worth it to keep on doing things in his life. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t know until you try it.”
He hated when she told him to stop feeling sorry for himself, because she didn’t have to do what he did every day. She’d feel sorry for herself, too, he figured.
He also knew she was right.
She knew she had him thinking. She wanted him to want this. The last thing she wanted to do was drive ten hours with him sitting sulking beside her.
“I know you have more adventure in you than sitting around here all the time,” she said. “Live a little. It’s only a few days. And I won’t lose you, I promise. I’ll even let you choose the music.”
Mattie sighed and shook his head before tipping it back and sighing again in defeat. Amber knew she had him.
Mattie pulled his suitcase down the stairs to the front door and put it against the wall. He skimmed his fingers over the list he had made for packing, mentally checking everything off, knowing where he’d placed everything inside the case. It was actually less frustrating to him to pack a suitcase he couldn’t see. He didn’t pack as much, and it was so well organised and folded or in zip-lock bags that it gave him some comfort with its order. Things took longer, true, but they were far more practical than the haphazard way he’d done them before.
He was starting to feel more agreeable to the idea of this road trip, but he still was apprehensive about the details. He intended to try and enjoy the trip itself, and he had audiobooks on his phone in case the scenery got too dull. He had music, he had two sets of earphones, he had his watch and his charging cable. He wanted to keep down any anxiety that might arise from being ill-prepared. They had water and cookies and crackers and apples for the drive. Amber had assured him he would be glad of this excursion into the unknown. He’d replied that everywhere was an excursion into the unknown for him. But he was going to try.
“If you hate it, I won’t make you travel outside your world again. But if you have a good time, then it’s Québec City next.”
Amber pulled in the driveway. She’d had Peter give her car a check-up and it was filled with fluids and the tires were pumped up, so that was also a comfort to Mattie. The last thing he wanted to be doing was walking the side of a road outside Truro in the May rain.
He had the door open and was pulling his suitcase behind him as Amber hurried over to the stairs.
“Got everything?”
“I hope so. I think so. You bring the cooler and stuff?”
“Everything is in. Even a real map.”
“A real map, huh?”
“Well... I guess it’s only real to me. I think everything is ready. I called the Brookdale Inn and got us a suite. Or room. Or whatever they are. I think it’s a glorified motel. Motel with class?”
“Sounds devine. As long as it has a bed and some heat, I really am not particular. Wait, does it have one bed or two?”
“I got a room with two singles, don’t worry, you prude.”
“I’m not a prude, I just feel that I’ve slept in the same bed with you way too many times and I’m good.” He wrinkled his nose and shook his head, as if to punctuate his contentment with a single bed.
“Did you lock your back door?”
“Yes, and if you move, I’ll lock the front door, too.”
“Sorry, sorry, moving. You have the case?”
“Yep, go ahead.”
She opened the trunk of her car and helped him to load his suitcase in. She didn’t tell him her suitcase was twice the size of his, to do the three days and two nights they would be away. She wasn’t sure how she ended up with so much every time, but she always assumed she would need things and overcompensated in her preparation.
“You gonna ride shotgun?” Amber asked, hoping Mattie didn’t isolate himself in the backseat out of spite.
He nodded, feeling her arm gently shake his hand in a motion toward the car. He automatically reached forward and touched the side of the car, and walked up the passenger side. He took his messenger bag off and opened the door. He leaned in, putting the bag just to the right on the floor, against the console, and then folded up his cane and climbed into the car.
Amber was beside him, pulling on her seatbelt. “You ready, Butch Cassidy?”
He smiled at her. He was tired and not feeling talkative, but he knew his mood would open up before the hour was out. It was still early, and he’d woken in the middle of the night, his nerves keeping him from staying asleep. Once awake, he had a hard time getting back to sleep. He had, on different doctors’ suggestions, kept his room a place for sleeping and dressing. He didn’t have a television in there, and he didn’t use his laptop in there. He didn’t even read in there. Without eyes, the activities in the night darkness were exactly the same as doing them in the day, and that only set Mattie’s brain to confusion and disorientation. So Mattie had gotten up, used the bathroom, went and got a drink of water, and checked the time. He chanced on the notion of tricking his brain that he wasn’t really awake by keeping his eyelids closed. He’d headed immediately back to bed, not wanting to become so fully awake that he wouldn’t fall back asleep again.
At least he wasn’t going to be driving, he thought.
“There’s candy in the glove compartment,” Amber told him. “When you need sugar. I loaded up at work yesterday.”
“Good thinking,” he said, nodding.
Amber let him be quiet for a while, and did all the talking. She talked about the new people that had moved into the neighbourhood. She talked about Barbie’s new haircut. She told him things she saw as they drove. She worked his mood gently, bringing him out of his shell. He’d never been a talker in the morning. Amber, on the other hand, was a morning person through-and-through, and she knew it drove him nuts, so she tried not to be too cloying or too chipper.
They stopped to grab some caffeine; Amber ordered a French Vanilla and Mattie had his Earl Grey tea. She was careful when she put the car into drive, making sure he wouldn’t spill it when the car went forward.
Shortly after, Mattie leaned forward and found the radio dials. Amber thought at first he just wanted her to stop talking to him, but he turned the volume down to a level they could talk over. He just needed some background scenery to fill in the holes.
“So are there any things you would like to try?” she asked. He shrugged. “Food or something? Or go on a boat? We could go to the Bluenose. Remember when we were on it when we were kids?”
He nodded, and didn’t reply right away.
“I’m going to look at kilts,” Amber said. “I like our tartan. Lot of history in that tartan.”
Mattie frowned. “What colour is it again?” he asked. “Red?”
“The one I always knew was red, with light blue squares and black plaid lines. Is that the one you’re thinking of?”
He nodded. “I guess.”
“You should have a tartan.”
“Oh, yeah, I have lots of occasions I could wear a kilt to,” Mattie said. “Those things are expensive.”
“Well, I want to go look at them, anyway. Okay. Your turn.”
“What.”
“Something you want to do.”
“I don’t know. All the things I want to do are not doable.”
“Why not? What do you want to do?”
His cheek flicked in regret. “I want to go to museums and art galleries. I want to browse the art shops. I want to read about the history of the landmark I’m admiring.” When she didn’t answer him, he turned his face toward her just a little. “See what I mean?”
She thought about it for a minute. “I’m going to figure it out,” she said.
“Don’t worry about it,” Mattie said.
“I will and you can just let me,” she said. “I’m going to get Mum some of that candy she likes, too.”
Mattie turned his head to her and smiled. “Good idea.”
“She really enjoyed herself on her birthday, didn’t she?” Amber said, a smile in her words.
“I think so. She sounded like it. I could hear it. She felt better, too. She said they’d cut the new meds back a bit and mixed with something like her old medication.”
“It’s so confusing,” Amber said.
“Well, I know she liked the supper, she even had dessert,” Mattie said with a grin. “And her friend Dianne can really put it away, too.”
“How do you know that?” Amber said, laughing.
Mattie just grinned more.
“Well, I think Mum loved it, and she liked the pendant I bought her. And she liked that book you gave her. She told me yesterday she was getting close to finishing it.”
“I gave her two,” Mattie said. “So she’s still good for a bit.”
He leaned forward and his fingers graced the glove compartment lines, locating the latch to open it. He felt some paper bags filled with soft candy and brought out two of them. Inside one was sour candy and sugar candy, in the other were gummies and ju-jubes. Mattie took a candy from each bag and held the bags out to Amber. She pulled some from one bag as she drove and Mattie put the candy in the gap in the console.
“You know we’re gonna have fun,” Amber said to him seriously.
“Yeah,” Mattie said, not sounding convinced. “I just... you know how much I love history, I loved touring around historical places and museums and art galleries. Just seeing the art that someone made, hundreds of years before. It always just gave me... like, I don’t know, a thrill or something. Knowing I’m standing in the place that hundreds have stood, years upon years in the past...” He took a deep breath in through his nose and let it out with frustration. “I won’t be able to do that anymore. I can’t look at the buildings and the architecture, the size and grandeur of it, and the art, and the fields where battles were fought, and the silhouette of a lighthouse on the rocks. And you don’t know how much that hurts.” His voice was low.
Amber realised there may have been more reason to him not wanting to be in the middle of the history of Halifax, or anywhere, for that matter. “I’m sorry, Hun. I didn’t mean to rub it in your face. That wasn’t my intention.”
“No, I know that.” He didn’t blame her for this feeling. He scowled and turned his face away, toward the window, shielding it from her view. “I won’t ever get to see the world. And sometimes I just... can’t deal with that. I mean, I can get up and clean the kitchen and go to work and go out with my friends, I have that all down now. But I can’t ever go out and see these amazing things anymore, and it makes these special occasions quite painful. I won’t see Stonehenge. I won’t see the Grand Canyon. I won’t see the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Or the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. I can’t even see the Citadel of Halifax and we’re going to be there in a few hours.”
He fell silent. He regretted his openness on the subject; the last thing he wanted to do was to make Amber’s trip miserable.
“We’ll figure it out,” she said softly. “You’re not going to miss out on experiencing the things you love. I won’t let that happen, we’re going to figure it out somehow. There’s always a way, right? That’s what you tell me all the time.”
Mattie couldn’t think of anything that would give him the experiences in travel that he’d have if he could see, but he nodded anyway.
“I’m not going to enjoy it without you, Xav. I wanted you to come so we could do this together.”
He nodded again. “Okay,” he said, and Amber smiled over at him. He sounded like the little boy who had been hurt and then promised an ice-cream sandwich for his troubles. Her heart ached for that little boy. She would let him feel the history and art he craved so much, somehow. Whether it was in the echoing chamber of cathedrals, or whether it was feeling the ocean air come off the bay at the top of Citadel Hill, or feeling the carved stone in the old structures or the old stone and iron gravestones in the historic graveyards. She intended to go online as soon as they were at their destination to do some research.
They stopped for some gas before leaving the province, and Mattie took the apple Amber passed to him from the cooler. She had some crackers and sandwiches, too, but Mattie was content with just the apple.
“Roll your window down,” Amber said as they pulled across the border and neared the tourist bureau stop. Mattie did as she told him and he could hear the faint sound of the bagpipes being played over a sound system. She saw him smile. He knew exactly where he was.
“Welcome to Nova Scotia,” Amber said, reading the sign they were passing.
As they drove, Mattie could feel the sun gaining strength against the window. He rolled down the pane and put his elbow out. The air was cool, but the sun felt warm through it. Mattie listened to the tires rumbling against the pavement, and he could tell when the pavement was patched or had new surfaces down. He could tell the roads that needed work, from Amber trying to avoid the potholes and ruts. He listened hard when they passed a vehicle, trying to distinguish its size from the sound and the way the wind currant hit him as they went by. Soon he started asking Amber as they passed, and she’d let him know if he was right. She rolled her own window down and made the game tougher, asking him to guess the vehicles that passed on her side.
Her next game was making him guess the colour of the jube candies by their taste. He got the orange and the red but the green and the yellow threw him.
He would sometimes ask where they were, though he could tell when they were passing through a town just on the long highway where trees were the only things to pass. Amber stopped again for a coffee and a tea, and Mattie got out and stretched, walking around the car while Amber went inside.
“Got you a muffin,” she said, walking back. “It’s so nice out now, isn’t it?” She reached him, and bumped the paper bag with the muffin in it against his hand. He took it and then held out his hand for the cup, which he set on the hood of the car. He opened the bag and took out the muffin, tearing a piece off the top.
“What kind?” he asked before trying it.
“I think it’s carrot oatmeal or something. I got one for me, too.”
Mattie took a bite and raised his face upward, feeling the sun hitting his cheeks and forehead. “I’m glad it’s warm,” he said. “I think we picked the right time, anyway.”
“We did. I don’t have to drive through a wind tunnel or a crazy heavy rain. It’s great. We’re almost there, too. Probably forty-five minutes. Do you want to go to the inn first, or head to the city?”
“What is more practical? How far out is the inn and what is its direction? We don’t want to backtrack.”
“It’s kind of... south-east of the city? Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t mind doing some backtracking anyway. I mean, we’ll be driving a bit. We could go to Peggy’s Cove. Or to Digby, maybe? I’m open to ideas.”
Mattie, however, had none. Everything he thought of was worthless to him. He didn’t want to do any of the things his mind reminded him of: lighthouses and vistas and harbours; museums and galleries; places he’d been many years ago.
“Okay, then, don’t show your enthusiasm so much,” Amber said.
He turned toward her. “I’m sorry. Let’s just go into the city first. Maybe there’s something to do when we get there. You said you’d check online; let’s do that.”
Amber was quietly proud of her brother. He was trying so hard, when she knew he was feeling frustrated and disappointed.
Amber kept a running description as they drove into the city. She found a central place to park and they got out, pulling on their jackets. The breeze from the waterfront was still chilly, though the sun was holding strong. Mattie put his messenger bag over his head and waited as Amber dug around in a bag in the back seat and moved things around. She locked it up and walked around to her brother, tapping his hand. He automatically took her elbow and they started off.
The sidewalks were busy but not crowded. Amber did her best to give him details of the people they passed and the buildings around them. They stopped for a snack and thought some on where they would have their supper. Amber told him about interesting restaurants they passed, and then they walked out to the waterfront.
Mattie could hear the sound of the cables hitting the masts on the sailboats in front of them. There was the metal clank of cleats and the rocking swoosh of the waves hitting the gunnels of the boats or the posts of the docks. They walked out along the boardwalk and the bay enveloped Mattie’s senses. It felt mistier out there than it had when they’d climbed out of the car. The breeze ruffled the curls on the top of his head and he took in the scent of seaweed and fish and salt and something else he couldn’t place.
Amber told him about the boats in the harbour, and about some of the people that were walking around, enjoying the warm spring day. He tried to expand her words into pictures in his imagination as she talked. Sometimes it was easy to picture things and sometimes it was more difficult, but he wanted to have some kind of visual memory to go along with the sounds and smells of the day. He didn’t analyse why it was important. It just was.
“There’s a guy selling paintings on slate tiles,” Amber said.
“Are they any good?” Mattie asked.
“They’re kind of... folk art. But I like them. Actually, the more I look at them the more I like them.”
“Let’s go over and see them, then,” Mattie said to her.
“It’s okay, I can see them from here.”
“No you can’t. Show them to me.” He tugged on her arm.
Amber gave him a look, to see what his face told her. “Okay,” she said. “Come on.”
She guided him over to the artisan sitting up against the iron fencing, and gave him descriptions of the pieces she liked the most. She smiled at the artist, and complemented his work.
As they walked away, Mattie asked Amber if she wanted to buy one of the pieces.
“Well, it’s too heavy to carry around, and I don’t want to spend all my money on the first afternoon. He’ll probably be around over the next few days anyway, if I change my mind.”
They decided to eat at a place called The Grove, and Mattie had one of his favourites, fish and chips. Amber went with fried clams and chips, which she let Mattie try in exchange for a sampling of his fish. Mattie was too full to finish everything on his plate, and Amber complained about having to leave so much on hers, but they had enjoyed every bit they could stuff in.
They walked around a bit to work off their full stomach after paying the bill, and Mattie could hear music coming from several places they passed. Amber did a pretty good job at giving him descriptions, and she guided him expertly through people and obstacles. It wasn’t as painful as he’d been anticipating. He knew she had said they would figure out a way for him to enjoy it in other ways, and he hated, as usual, to admit that he already was enjoying what he was taking in.
They headed back to the car, commenting on the chill falling into the evening air. Amber looked on Mattie’s phone at the map to their destination, after passing it to him with some choice words of frustration at not knowing how to work the phone with its audible cues and different swiping techniques. She did it every time, and Mattie laughed. He set it up for her and gave it back.
“It’s not far,” she said. “I think I can find it okay.”
“I leave it in your hands,” he said, taking back the phone she’d pressed against his arm.
They reached the inn within the half-hour, and Amber went to check in with her reservations. She got a key to the third little cabin along the wooden verandah, and returned to the car, making sure they had everything they’d need. She guided Mattie, who had his suitcase clutched in one hand and her elbow in his other, and she stopped before the step, letting him find it with his foot.
Once inside, she lined their stuff up beside the door and took off her coat. Mattie took off his messenger bag and Amber took it, putting it with their luggage.
“Can you get my cane out?” he asked her. The room around him was an unknown territory, completely invisible to him.
“Yup. Do you want me to go over the layout with you?” she asked, retrieving the cane and placing it into his hand.
He unfolded it, tapping it on the ground. “If you don’t mind,” he said.
“No, of course not, Hun,” she said. She took him by the arm and carefully let him explore the wall on his left, telling him where the furniture was as they went, telling him when they reached the bathroom door. She gave him the layout and watched as he touched things and committed them to his memory. She could see how travelling would be tough on someone who couldn’t see, when memory made places easier to get around, and a new place every day or two was like learning and remembering a whole map.
“There’s a mirror here, and here is the television. It’s actually a new one.” She put his hand on the top of the television, a flat-screen which sat up on a tall bureau. She opened the top drawer. “Empty,” she commented, pushing it shut. “You can put your socks in there if you want.”
“Thanks,” Mattie said ungratefully. “What’s this?”
“That’s a weirdly shaped lamp.”
“Okay, I don’t need that. What’s this?” His hand moved onto a smooth box.
Amber opened the top and found the box full of packages of tea. “Oh, you’ll like this, Xav. Here, smell.”
Mattie couldn’t help but smell it as she waved the box near his nose. He breathed in, instantly knowing what it was she had. He smiled and lifted his hand to find the box, and touched the file of paper envelopes.
“I would say we’re going to come across an electric kettle here somewhere,” she said. “Okay, here is a chair and this is a little end table. Got it? Okay, here’s the wall and another chair. They look comfy, huh?” She watched Mattie reached down and feel the cushion and back of the chair. “There’s a floor lamp here, top’s wider than the bottom, so you might run your shoulder into it if you didn’t know.”
Mattie’s cane touched the base of the lamp and he reached up until he found the lampshade jutting out into the space in front of him. He went out and around it and reached a third chair and then the wall. There was a bedside table there, and two beds, which he followed around to the ends of both and then back to the wall past the second bed. Amber let him find the suitcases with his cane and then he knew he was back at the door again. He turned and gave a confident smile to Amber.
“Got it?”
“We’ll know soon enough,” he said.
“Wanna count it? I need to use the powder room.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Mattie said, but as soon as he heard her close the door, he paced the room, taking in its length with his steps. It wasn’t a large room, but he took a little time to cover it well. Amber came back out as he was checking out the bedside table, and she went right to her luggage.
“Which bed do you want?” she asked.
“I’m not picky, you choose. I guess I should be next to the door.”
Amber looked at him. “Why do you say that? If you’re not picky.”
“No, I was just thinking about the door. I was being macho. I’m the man here, I’ll sleep by the door, I’ll protect you.” He was grinning, but Amber let him have this one.
“Okay, big guy. You can protect me.” She didn’t tell him it was better for him to be close to the exit in case of an emergency. She didn’t know if that crossed his mind. She picked up her suitcase and put it on the far bed.
Mattie sat on the other bed. “Is there a remote for the television?” he asked, folding his cane and putting it beside him.
“Yeah,” Amber said. She wasn’t about to go retrieve it for him. “It’s beside the television, on the other side there. The left.”
Mattie got up and crossed the space to the bureau. Reaching it, he ran his hands carefully over the surface to the left of the television. He found the remote and returned to the bed. The power button was usually on the top or the top right, he knew, so he pushed the topmost button and the high-pitched sound of the older television assured him he’d found it. The programme didn’t sound familiar to him. He examined the buttons on the remote with his fingers, trying to discern what was what.
Amber looked over at him. “Want me to have a look at it?” she asked. He didn’t answer for a minute, trying to find something familiar about the buttons. Then he reached over and held it across the space toward the other bed. She took it from him and looked it over. She slid over to his bed and gave it back, putting his finger on the triangle-shaped buttons half-way down. “This is the channel up and down. And this is the volume up and down.” She pulled his finger over to another set of triangle-shaped buttons along the other edge. “This is the guide button... wait, sorry. I forgot. Um, okay, here are the numbers. One, two, three, and then all the way down and zero at the middle bottom. Got that?”
He nodded. He felt the remote over again. “Thanks,” he said.
“No worries, Hun. I’m going to look up touristy stuff for us to do, okay? Go crazy.”
Mattie sat flipping through channels, and every so often he would ask Amber if she knew what programme it was. Amber gave him no clue if she was finding anything to report.
“You didn’t bring beer by any chance, did you?” Mattie asked.
“In the cooler. You want one?”
“Wouldn’t mind. Tell me where it is, I’ll get it.”
Amber directed him, and he took out two bottles. He knew the bottles were heavier, and he knew they were less easy to port, but Amber knew he managed bottles better than cans, and so she made it easier for him, and he was grateful to her.
“Well?” he asked, settling back after handing her the bottle. “Anything?”
“There’s music in the downtown, pubs and stuff. And there’s a petting zoo. And there’s a place we can taste wine. There are museums and stuff, but I guess you don’t want to go have me tell you what’s there, right?”
He shook his head. “Not really.”
“Well, there’s a zip-line, you know. And rock climbs. Or here, you could parasail off a cliff.”
He groaned. “Is that it? A petting zoo or hurling myself off a cliff?”
“You’d have a parachute.”
“Great.”
“We could hire a sailboat to take us out into the Bay.”
“To watch the whales?”
“No, to be in a sailboat. I think we have better whale watching spots at home.”
“There’s nothing for blind tourists, is there?” he asked, turning towards her.
“I don’t know, I’m not done yet.”
“I think if you type in tourist attractions for the blind in Halifax, and there isn’t something by the third page, we’re probably out of luck.” He took another swig of beer.
“There has to be something,” Amber said.
“Don’t worry about it,” Mattie said, giving up on the idea. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Amber insisted. “I’m going to find something. I’m not even going to tell you. It’s just going to happen, and then I’m going to be all gloating about how you don’t believe me and I always am right in the end.”
Mattie groaned again, this time loudly, dramatically rolling his head back.
She took a swig of her own beer. “You know it’s true,” she said, going back to Mattie’s phone, which he had made accessible to her sighted needs. Mattie raised the remote control and changed the channel.
Amber led Mattie around a sign post. She had to admit that the city was not really geared toward people with vision impairments. The curbs didn’t line up with the crosswalks, the crosswalk signals didn’t make a sound, and there were often posts or obstructions in the way of an otherwise clear path. She’d called the museums to see if there was any kind of tactile display, but came up with nothing. She decided that she would plan the next road trip around finding something for Mattie to do. And the plan would also include not telling him that he was going to be her focus.
They’d had breakfast at a little cafe, skipping the chain stores that were the same as they were at home. Mattie liked walking around the downtown, so Amber had parked the car and they did a prowl of the shops and stalls of downtown Halifax. Amber didn’t want to go in to the malls; they were all the same as at home. She wanted to find something different. She wanted Mattie to find something different. Something good. She walked closer to one of the parks.
“It’s getting warm,” she said, stopping to let a kid run ahead of them. “It almost feels like June.”
“Well, it’s almost June, so...” He turned his head. “Is that a skateboard?”
“Where? Oh, yeah, one kid on a push scooter and one kid on a skateboard, over to the left. Man, kids can really work those things. I’m surprised that Peter hasn’t made you try that.”
Mattie chuckled.
“Holy shit,” Amber said.
“What?” Mattie stopped automatically. Always stop in your tracks in any kind of warning.
He was surprised to hear the grin in Amber’s words. “I think I found our perfect adventure.”
“Uh oh. What?”
“There’s a tandem bike... two people on a tandem bike.”
“Yeah? What are you gonna do, chase them down and steal it from them?”
“No, they rent them. Just a sec, there’s a bench ahead, we can stop and I’ll see if I can find a number. We can go for a spin and find somewhere to have lunch.”
“Are you sure we have the stamina to go for a spin?”
“I’m willing to try if you are.”
“Why couldn’t it have been go-carts?” Mattie asked her.
“Would you go on a go-cart?” Amber asked back.
“Is there a go-cart?”
“No, I don’t see any places to do that.”
“Then yes, of course I would.”
He heard the exasperated sound from his sister as she took his arm through her own and walked with him to the bench.
It didn’t take her long, and before Mattie knew it, they were at a bike rental kiosk a block away. Amber had her credit card out, and was in the process of renting the bike. They only had three in service, and it was lucky they’d come when they had; apparently the bikes rented quickly.
“Okay,” Amber said, placing her brother’s hand on the back seat of the bike. “Check it out.”
“So I’ll sit on the front?” Mattie said in mock seriousness.
“Over my dead body,” Amber replied. She watched Mattie checking the bike out with his hands. “Those are your handlebars.”
“What? I thought I was supposed to hold around your waist.”
“It’s not a motorcycle, Xav.”
“Does this mean I get to steer?”
“No, it’s like those Fisher Price steering wheels for kids in cars.”
Mattie gave her the look, and folded his cane. “What do I do with this?” he asked as he took off his messenger bag, putting the cane inside.
“We have a basket,” Amber said.
“Of course we do,” Mattie replied.
She helped him with his helmet before giving him guidance to mount the bike, keeping his balance for him as he felt the bike and tried to climb on at the same time. He held it steady for her to climb on, and then he had to figure out where the pedals were and how to synchronise a start when he couldn’t see what she was doing.
“Okay, Xav, we’re on our left foot. Do you have the pedal? Okay, good. So on the count of three, we push off with our left and push the pedal down on our right. You ready?”
“I guess so.”
“We can do this, no problem.”
She counted and they pushed off, wobbling, trying to find the balance. Mattie felt the awkward imbalance and tried to compensate, throwing the bike even more off. Amber slowed down and tried to coach him to relax and just find his middle and it would balance up on its own. He pedalled, feeling the strong desire to see where he was going. He knew Amber would steer them just fine but it didn’t dim the urge to look ahead. Security in seeing. He took a breath, willing his body to balance itself, and he closed his eyes, remembering the advice Amber gave him when he tried skating the first time blind. He’d used the advice many times since then, and somehow, it took the panic away of trying to see, forcing his brain to stop looking and start feeling.
It worked this time, too. Head down, Mattie found his centre of gravity matching that of Amber’s, and the bike glided smoothly along the bike path. She headed toward the park, keeping away from the busier parts of the city. She didn’t want to give Mattie too much soundscape to overwhelm his sense of direction and surroundings. She reminded herself to tell when she was going to turn or curve even a little, so he would adjust his balance to follow. Pretty soon, they had a pretty good system going, and Amber could feel her brother’s confidence gaining strength along with his peddling. She let him know they were nearly to the park, and she found a bike trail running alongside.
Head down, Mattie peddled. He was starting to enjoy the freedom of the bike. It wasn’t just sitting passively in a car, it was so much more. He could feel the different textures under the tires, and the air rushing around his shoulders as they coasted down a slope. He could hear things around him, unlike being in a car, and he could smell the new grass, the bay air, the city traffic, the sprouting green leaves, and either pizza or samosas, all at once.
He had to let himself trust Amber. He knew he was in no danger, but the motion and speed he could feel zooming past him in the dark made him feel anxious. And once he realised the anxiety was creeping back in, it grew. He was torn between joy and fear. He had to keep telling himself Amber was steering, she was safe, she wasn’t going to put them into a ditch or worse, into traffic. She was safe. She was safe.
“Amber?”
“Yeah, Hun?”
“Can we... can you...?”
“What?”
“Just stop for a minute,” he said, hearing the parts of the bike that rattled louder than anything else around him. He tried to keep his breath slow.
Amber slowed down, letting him know she was going to lean to the left and to put his left foot down to prop them up. She turned around, and saw his face was white and there were beads of perspiration along his eyebrows.
“Xav? Okay? What’s up, Hun?”
Mattie undid the chin strap of his helmet and pulled it off. The air felt bigger again.
“I’m okay,” he said, nodding, shaking the panic off. “I’m okay.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. I just... it was too fast. I didn’t know where we were. I just imagined... I don’t know. My mind just sort of seized up there.” He took a deep breath. “Gahd, I hate when that happens. It feels like the dark is squeezing all around me, pressing the air out of my lungs.”
Amber frowned. “I’m sorry, Xav. I didn’t even think. I’m sorry. Should we stop? We can walk it back.”
He shook his head determinedly. “No, I can do this. We can do it. People do this. I’ll be okay.”
“We can take a minute,” Amber said. “Want me to tell you everything around us for a sec?”
He nodded, letting her talk. Her descriptions filled in the empty, pressing air around him and took the focus away from himself. Everything went back into its place, and Mattie felt the unrecognised threat recede. He turned his head, listening. He wanted to try again. This time, he would concentrate on the space he occupied, keeping focus on his muscles, the peddles, the way the bike leaned and dipped. He would let Amber do the navigation and he wouldn’t think about that at all. He was on a track, the bike was safe in its direction.
He put the helmet back on and did the strap up under his chin.
“You okay now?” Amber asked.
He nodded. “Let’s go again.”
“Is there anything you want me to do differently?”
“Can you maybe just call out things we pass that make a noise I might not recognise? Or that might seem too close or something? I think I’m panicking at the sounds.”
They started off again, slowly catching their balance and stride. Amber told Mattie they were passing two oncoming bikes. She told him there was a big truck backing up on the street across the tree-line of the park, if he heard the beeping and wondered how close it was. Every bit of information she gave him filed nicely into his mind’s eye and kept the sounds organised and in their places. He felt the lean of the bike, and the speed and rhythm of Amber’s legs pushing the pedals, and matched them.
Once again, he felt a sense of happiness growing at the freedom he was enjoying. He kept his focus on how his body inhabited the space he was in, forgetting about whether his eyes were open or closed. He thoughts were away from seeing; he was completely immersed in sound and balance and feeling.
Amber let him know when they were going to stop. She stuck to bracing up on the left foot, and he followed all of her instructions exactly as she gave them. He’d learned that his safety and possibly his survival rested on how quickly he followed her command. Some other voices, he was afraid to obey, and afraid to ignore, but Amber’s he trusted completely.
“How you doin’ back there, Xav?” she asked, turning to look at him. This time, she was pleased to see no trace of the panic that had been on his face earlier. He looked happy, and maybe a little proud of himself.
“Doin’ okay,” he said with a smile.
“Yeah, you are,” she said, smiling back at him.
They ate lunch at a place that sold sandwiches and soups. Mattie had a grilled cheese and pickles. Amber had a sun-dried tomato and swiss sandwich. They ate outside on a little patio, and Amber told Mattie about the people and the places around them. When they’d finished, taking their time to enjoy the moments, they got back onto the bike and made their way back towards where they’d rented it. Again, Amber gave Mattie placement to the sounds coming at him, and happily, he peddled along strongly, relishing the freedom the effort gave him.
He reluctantly relinquished the bike and took the messenger bag Amber passed into his hands. He lifted the strap over his head and took out his cane. When Amber returned, bumping her hand against his, he took her elbow.
“Thank you,” he said softly.
She patted the hand on her elbow. “It was fun. Maybe we can do it again sometime. It’s much less ridiculous than you and Peter riding separate bikes.”
Mattie grinned. It had been ridiculous. He’d been proving himself at the time, mostly to himself. And he’d do it again. He couldn’t believe the things he had tried since he’d lost his sight. He couldn’t imagine having stopped his life and being sat on the sidelines, waiting for people to remember to visit. It had been so hard to keep from going there. It had been terrifying and way beyond his patience and capability, and he’d done it anyway.
Small Mercies Chapter 50, a romance fiction | FictionPress
Mattie stood awkwardly as Jennifer tried to help him make copies of an assignment. He’d memorised the copier buttons he needed in the English department office, though he usually had the secretary do it. Rather, she offered if she was in the office. Mattie had established a great rapport with all the office workers in the department, and they were always keen on giving him a hand.
Unfortunately, Jennifer had come over after her classes to help him herself. Mattie wasn’t expecting her to show up at his door in the late afternoon, but there she was, wanting to see how he worked on his computer and what his room looked like. Mattie thought the word unfortunately, because it was taking much longer with her help, and he felt somehow like he was posing as a professor-for-the-day.
“Okay, do you need anything stapled?” she asked him.
He shook his head. “Nope. All on one page. Are they done?”
“Yes.”
He held out his hand, waiting for them.
“I’ll carry them,” she said. “You have your hands full.”
He pinched his mouth together and tried to smile, and picked up his folders. He didn’t say anything in response to her asking him if that was all he needed, but he nodded before starting out the door and down the hall before she could offer him her elbow.
They’d gone out twice more. Each time, Mattie hoped she’d be more comfortable with him, or less protective, less smothering, and less cloying. Each time, he was disappointed. Yet, she’d become quite enamoured with him, or the thought of him. She wasn’t unkind, and her intentions, Mattie knew, were completely innocent, but he constantly felt like a child or a patient in-care when he was with her. She only seemed to act naturally when they were sitting and talking. And Mattie loved that part of their relationship.
They talked about travelling, about history, about civilisation, and world news. Mattie always craved discourse with like-minded souls, and the world of small-talk often ruled over real conversation. He asked questions about her travels and wanted to know about her field of study. He had always liked science, but had found it almost daunting in its assumption that he would understand its rationality. He liked what he knew of it. Her science blended with culture and how the world changed around it. He was intrigued with the information she shared about it.
“Do you ever go to the museum?” she asked him when they met for lunch on a Wednesday.
“I was there... before,” he said. There was that before again. “I guess that there’s not much use of a blind guy in a museum gallery. Galleries aren’t really our thing, as a group,” he said.
“Oh. Right. I’m sorry, I didn’t think about it before speaking.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I like the idea. I just don’t think it would be something I could enjoy now.”
“Okay,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
He wished she wasn’t sorry so much of the time.
It was right around that time that Amber met a man named Riley Lachan at the library. She had walked around a row of shelving in search of a book about doll-making that she’d seen in a bookstore, and bumped into a tall, handsome man, sending his books to the floor.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said, bending down, feeling stupid.
“No worries,” he said, bending down.
Amber looked at the books as she was picking them up. Gospel by Wilton Barnhardt. When We Were Gods by Colin Falconer. The Late Hector Kipling by David Thewlis.
She looked up at him. He took her hand and brought her back to her feet, and she passed the books to him.
He was Mattie’s height, but his build was bigger. He had thick auburn hair and a short beard and his eyes were blue-green. He thanked her for the books and she nodded. She couldn’t help herself, she needed to say something more, to keep him there for one more minute.
“You have interesting books there,” she said. She wished that had come out more smoothly, instead of sounding like a high school wallflower.
“Yeah, you read any of these?” he asked.
She nodded. “Um, that one,” she said, pointing. “And that one. But not that one.”
“Oh, well, then, do you recommend these?”
“Yes. I do.”
“Well. Good. Do you have any more recommendations?”
“I could recommend all day,” she said. “I love books.”
He smiled. “I guess people in libraries do,” he replied. “Generally.”
She nodded. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.” She was letting herself down, she was letting the conversation down. She knew he was thinking she was slightly dense.
But he smiled and held out his hand. “Riley,” he said.
She realised that he hadn’t walked away. A smile returned to her face and she put her hand in his.
“So then what?” Mattie asked Amber, picking a gummi bear out of a bag in her hand, which he’d found with his other hand. She patiently held onto the bag for him.
“I told him my name and then we got our books out and stood out in the parking lot for about forty-five minutes talking about books. And about movies. And about Montréal.”
“Hmmm,” Mattie said, chewing the gummy bear. “Sounds really promising. Did you exchange numbers?”
“Yes,” she said. “But I haven’t heard from him.”
“Yet.”
“It’s been two days.”
“That’s it?” Mattie furrowed his brows and made a sound. “That’s nothing. Sometimes it takes us some courage. Or we meet someone in a week where we are swamped at work and we just can’t make a plan until it’s over and we can make it a good date with the proper attention. He sounds like he was interested. Why else would he have stuck around for forty-five minutes?”
“Why is it always like this?” she asked. “I mean, why is it so heart-rending, waiting, hoping, worrying...?”
“I think it’s to give you notice that you have strong feelings for someone and want to know more. Sometimes we’re dumb and we don’t realise we like someone.”
“Do you like someone?” Amber asked, eating a candy.
Mattie shook his head.
“What about that professor?”
Mattie shook his head again, making a grunting sound.
“What’s wrong with this one?” Amber asked him.
“Ahhhhhh, where do I start?” he asked.
“Really? That bad?”
“No, no, not bad. Just...” He sighed instead of answering. “It’s just not gonna work. Though when we’re just sitting, talking, it’s fantastic. It’s everything else.”
“Just a stepping stone,” Amber told him. “You’re learning what you don’t want, so you’ll know when you do want.”
“If it ever comes along,” he said.
“Well... maybe it’s going to for both of us. If Riley calls me...”
“What’s his last name?” Mattie asked.
“You don’t know him.”
“I know lots of people.”
“You don’t know Riley. I won’t let you already know him. It’s Lachan.”
“Lake-in?” he repeated.
“That’s what he said.”
“That’s a pretty handle,” Mattie said with a grin. “Riley Lachan.” He pretended to dream off into the distance. “Amber Lachan. Amber and Riley Lachan. Yeah, I think it’s a pretty impressive match. You’ll be a hit with the art set.”
“Gah,” she said, exasperated. “He’ll probably never call me anyway. Aw, Xav, there’s gotta be people for us. Like, people that like us, and also live in this part of the world, and that we like back. Is that too much to ask?” Amber grumbled.
Mattie shook his head. “Apparently. But then, I also need someone that is okay with all this,” he said, gesturing with an index finger towards his eyes. “I don’t want to ever admit that a partner would need to step in for my eyes, that’s not fair, but y’know that is something that would happen. No matter what.” He sighed hard. “It’s just how it is.”
“Yeah, well, you are how you are, and if they don’t like it...”
“Yeah, that’s the problem. They don’t.”
They were silent for a moment, thinking their own thoughts about relationships. Then Mattie turned his face to Amber. “He’ll call,” he said with a soft smile to her. “How could he not?”
“Right,” Amber said listlessly.
“Hey, listen, I was thinking,” Mattie said. “Mum’s birthday is coming up and I think we should do something awesome.”
“Yeah? Like what?” Amber held the bag out as he reached for it again.
“I was thinking of having her out here. We can take her out and wine her and dine her and then she can come stay here with me again. We can make a cake. We could invite one of her friends out. Or we could take her to a movie.”
“You’re such a mama’s boy,” she said.
“What, you don’t like it?” He was puzzled. He was sure she would go for it.
“It’s a great idea,” Amber said, patting his forearm. “She’ll really enjoy that.”
“I wish I could do so much more for her,” Mattie said. “I was talking to her on Tuesday and she didn’t sound as good. She sounded tired.”
“Yeah, I saw her Thursday and I think she was aching all over.”
“Damn it, I wish they had a treatment that just kept working. All of these seem to have a life span of six months,” Mattie said with a shake of his head.
“I know, Hun.”
“She doesn’t deserve to be in pain,” Mattie said. “I don’t like it.”
“I know. She’s a strong one, but it’s really not fair.” She looked at her brother, who was not looking back at her, and thought about how it wasn’t fair for him, either; some things just couldn’t be fixed.
“All the more reason to celebrate her birthday,” Mattie said.
“Well, I think it’s a great idea,” Amber said. “We can work out the details this week and show her a good time.”
“Boom chicka-wuh-wuh,” Mattie sang with a slightly sleezy manner.
Amber just groaned.
Mattie fielded phone calls from Amber all week, keeping her hopes up that this Riley man would call her. He wanted the man to call her. She had sounded so excited about him. He tried to talk to her about their mother’s birthday, but they always ended back up to Amber asking what was wrong with her, and why couldn’t she interest anyone. He still never called.
Almost as a rebound, she went out with a guy named Trent. He’d come in her store a few times and he seemed fun and she just wanted to go out and have fun herself.
Her first date was exactly what she needed. They went out and danced, and then hit a coffee shop on their way home to talk for a while. He dropped her safely home and made a date for later in the week. She saw potential.
They next went out bowling, and Mattie heard all about how great Amber had looked in her new jeans and bowling shoes, from Amber herself. She told him that Trent wasn’t as hunky as Craig or as handsome as Riley, but she liked having fun with him. She told him he was going to come out Friday night and they were going to have Barb and Tom over, and Mattie was invited to join them.
“I’ll be the plus five,” he grumbled.
“Invite your professor friend,” she said.
“I think I’m getting out of that one,” he admitted. “I can’t take feeling like a helpless invalid ninety percent of the time I’m with her.”
“That’s stupid. Has she not figured out how to guide yet?”
“It’s like a terrible dance partner,” Mattie said. “I mean, how hard is it?”
“Well, some people can’t dance,” Amber replied. “Okay, well, if you’re not going to bring her, then you can come over and be the entertainment.”
“Well, I guess I could bring my piano,” Mattie said.
“Oh, that’d be perfect. Can you?”
“Sure. No big deal. Are you just hanging out?”
“Pretty much. I said we’d watch Ironman Two,” she said.
“Oh,” Mattie said, a smirk on his face. “Because you said you liked superhero comics?”
“No. Because he really wants to see it and so does Tom and I didn’t mind the first one.”
“Uh huh. Okay, well, yeah, I guess I could come over, but if you guys go all drive-in movie couples on me, I’m out of there faster than The Flash.”
“Very funny, and that’s fine by me. I wouldn’t want you there if things go drive-in movie, anyway.”
“Good,” he said. “There are some things I don’t need to hear.”
“I just think it’s hard dating a colleague,” Mattie said, trying not to hurt Jennifer’s feelings. He needed to step back; she was overwhelming him with all her help. “I always set a rule with myself, and...”
“But... I can help you at work. It works out better for you, plus we can have lunch and I get to see you.”
“But the thing is, Jen, I really don’t need help here. I mean, I appreciate a guide every now and then, but I don’t really need a lot of help. Not like this.”
“But... I don’t understand,” she said. “We always have a good time when we’re together. Why don’t you think we should keep dating? Please, Matthew.”
Mattie hated breaking someone else’s heart as much as he hated his own being crushed.
“Ohh, Jen. I just can’t be distracted at work. I don’t want to get into something real... and then the frustration of work and being at the same place making its way into it.”
“But why does it have to?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Mattie said, rubbing his forehead and the bridge of his nose. “I’m just... I like you, Jennifer, but I just don’t think we’re...” He sighed again. Shit. No matter what he said, he sounded like a cruel ass-hole.
He listened for her but heard nothing. He wanted to reach across the table and find her hand, just to touch her, to know she was connecting with what he was saying.
‘You just don’t want to date me any more,” she finally said. “I get it.”
He tilted his head in dismay. “I just... don’t want there to be history with people on campus,” he said. “If we got close, and then we broke up, it will affect our interactions here. We can still be friends.”
“Friends?” she said. “If we’re breaking up now, isn’t that the same thing? I mean, I was feeling close to you.”
“We’ve only been together a few weeks,” he said. Nope, none of this was coming out right at all. He shook his head. “I mean, it would be harder if we were together for months.”
“Maybe I don’t need a few months,” she said angrily. “Maybe I already knew I liked you.”
“I think you like the idea of me,” Mattie said, surprising himself. For being a man of many words, he sure wasn’t stringing any of the right ones together. He decided since he’d begun, he would just say it. “I think you like helping me, Jennifer. But I don’t need all this help, I don’t. It’s... kind of belittling to be seen by my students and colleagues alike being helped constantly and completely by the woman I’m dating.”
“But I was just trying to make things easier. For you.”
“I know,” Mattie said. “But I don’t need it.”
“God, I just feel so stupid now,” she said.
“No, please. Don’t feel stupid. Really. I mean, we gave it a go. We had some really great conversations, which I am totally grateful for. Some people sit there silently and I don’t even know if they are awake. But I think you have someone better suited to you waiting for you, and I’m just going to be in your way to him. And I have a different path, too. I really, really, hope that you won’t be bitter. I mean, you can dislike me for a while, but I don’t want you to just avoid me in the future. Really. Will you still talk to me if you pass me? I won’t know if you’re there, so you’ll have the advantage, but I really don’t want...”
“Yeah,” she said, and he heard the anger and sadness in her voice. “I’ll say hi to you when I pass you. I have to go.”
He heard her getting to her feet, grabbing her things from the table. He slid out to stand.
“I guess you don’t need any help to get back.” she said.
He shook his head, listening to her shoes as she hurried out the door before she cried in public.
He took a huge breath and tipped his head back, blowing the air out in an exasperated growl.
“Refill on your tea, Matthew?” asked Claudia, the young woman working behind the counter that afternoon. She’d come over to take Jennifer’s cup and napkin and make sure Mattie was okay.
“Uh. No, thank you, Claudia, I think that’s it for me.” He turned to her, putting a smile on his lips.
He pulled on his light coat and put his messenger bag over his head and shoulder and then opened his cane. He counted the steps subconsciously and reached to push open the door on his right. He stepped outside, feeling lighter than when he’d gone in. He moved to the right of the doors and listened for a minute. The traffic was steady and he could hear the sound of the audio pedestrian signals on several crosswalks. It was familiar to him now; he knew exactly how many steps to the next street and how many streets to cross to get back to the gates of the campus. There was no way he could have imagined how routine all this was, and he knew to outsiders that it seemed impossible. He knew to Jennifer, anything he wanted to do was impossible without help. He couldn’t be with someone like that. He’d be smothered by her. And as heartless he had seemed, he knew that it was the way break-ups were. Someone always got hurt. It hurt less to nip some things in the bud before they destroyed themselves.
None of that really made him feel like less of a heel as he turned and headed back towards the university. Someone always came out being the ass-hole and he knew in this case it was him. He knew her friends would be consoling her soon, and telling her that was exactly what he was, and she was better off without him.
But it was better than them thinking he was helpless.
“Hey,” Amber said, letting Mattie in the kitchen door.
“Hey. I’m not the first one, am I?”
“No, but Trent isn’t here yet, he called from the Esso, he’s got the DVD and is on his way. Barb and Tom are here, though. Come on through.”
“Hey!” called Barb, as they came into the living room. She jumped up and came over to give him a hug. “How are you doing?” she asked him.
“All’s well with me,” he said. “How are you guys?”
“We’re great. Sluggin’ away, as usual. You ready for Ironman?”
“Oh, always,” he said, letting Barb guide him to the chair he always liked to sit in.
“You were always a little dorky, I thought for sure you’d be a comics fan,” she teased him.
“Oh, wah-wah, Barbie.” He turned, smiling, folding his cane as he sat down. “Be nice to your pretend little brother.” He leaned forward and found the coffee table end and placed his cane there.
It wasn’t too long before Amber saw Trent’s headlights flash across her eye-line as he turned into the driveway. She went to turn the outside light on, even though the sun hadn’t set completely, and to greet him.
“Hey, how was the drive?” she asked.
“Great, this is way further out than I expected.”
“Oh, it’s far out alright,” she said, laughing. “Come on in, the others are already here.”
“Oh, cool.”
Mattie and Tom both stood as Amber and Trent entered the room.
Amber introduced Trent to everyone, and he shook their hands. Mattie automatically always put his hand out when he was introduced to someone, rather than wondering if they were putting their hand out or not, and Trent reached over to shake it.
“Nice to meet you all,” Trent said. “I hope you’re all ready for some Ironman action.” He grinned, holding up the DVD.
“Yeah!” said Tom, pumping a fist in the air.
“I’m making wings and nachos,” Amber said. “Sit down, make yourself comfortable.”
“Yum,” said Trent moving to sit. Amber smiled at him and he smiled back, looking around. She watched him glance along the table, and his eyes stopped at Mattie’s cane. He appeared puzzled and then he looked at Mattie, then at Amber. She just smiled, realising she hadn’t even thought to tell Trent. She’d done that before. It dawned on her that she talked about Mattie often without mentioning his disability, and not because she was ashamed, but because she forgot that it was different or unusual to people.
She brought in a round of beers and put the DVD in. She noticed that Trent had become quiet, and didn’t even look at Mattie, and she wondered what that was about. She sat beside him, patted his knee, and smiled at him. “Everything okay?” she asked.
“Yup,” he said.
She noticed when everyone was into the movie that Trent kept looking sideways at Mattie, watching him. She nudged him, giving him another smile, trying to get him to relax. She knew some people felt uncomfortable, afraid of saying the wrong thing or making things awkward. She wished she’d mentioned to Trent that Mattie wasn’t awkward to be around, that he didn’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing.
They had an interlude so Amber could bring in the wings and nachos and more beer. Barb came with her, and together they brought in the snacks.
Tom asked Mattie what he’d been up to, and if his band had played anywhere recently. He didn’t take any notice of Trent being quiet, watching Mattie. Barb came in with a stack of napkins, and she pushed a handful into Mattie’s fingers. He thanked her, and Trent took the opportunity to excuse himself to have Amber show him around her house a bit.
“This was my great-uncle’s house, and then my grandfather lived over here when we came along. He lived in Mattie’s house but my parents took over that house so that was where I grew up.”
“Your brother is blind?” Trent asked.
“Oh, yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you that.” She stopped and looked at him. “Wait, that doesn’t weird you out, does it?”
He made a face and bobbed his head from side to side. “I wished you hadda told me,” he said.
“Why?” she asked, frowning.
“I don’t know, Amber, it would have been nice to be warned.”
“Warned? He’s not dangerous.”
“No, I know. I just should have known.”
“Okay, maybe I should have said my brother was blind. I don’t know, I didn’t think about it.”
“How could you not think of it? I mean, that’s quite a surprise.”
“It shouldn’t matter,” Amber said. “Does it?”
“No, no, of course not. I just would have liked to be informed beforehand. I mean, I wasn’t even sure. What if I had said something really stupid, or did something that made him fall or something?”
“What, were you planning on pushing him or something? I don’t understand. You don’t have to pre-sterilise yourself or anything. I mean, he’s just a guy. He just doesn’t see. You have glasses. It’s not bad to have bad eyesight. Or imperfect eyesight.”
“What can he see?” Trent asked. “I mean, how much can he see?”
“What does that matter?” Amber asked. “I’m not asking you to be his mobility coach. He’s just my brother, hanging out with us.”
Trent sighed. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I overreacted. I just was surprised. You coulda warned a guy. I would have brought better jokes.”
Amber’s forehead smoothed and she shook her head, sighing. “Just please relax. You’ll like Xav. Everyone does. It’s kind of annoying, actually. Well, except his ex-girlfriend. Well, she wasn’t his girlfriend, they were just dating, but he kind of split up with her a few days ago, and I don’t think she likes him very much right now.”
“Was she blind, too?” Trent asked.
Amber scowled at him, pulling him back toward the living room. “No, she was not,” she said. “And don’t stare at him,” she added. “Stare at me, instead. I’m the one you’re supposed to be staring at.”
“Of course,” said Trent as they entered the living room.
Once everyone was settled back, Amber pushed play on the remote to start the movie again. She tried not to think about Trent’s reaction to her brother. She had been as surprised by it as Trent apparently was by her brother’s blindness.
When the movie was over, Barb and Tom helped her take stuff to the kitchen on their way out. Mattie waved them off and Trent told them it was great meeting them before the two of them were left alone in the living room, trying to think of something to say.
Mattie knew Trent was still there, he had heard him say goodbye to the others and he didn’t hear his voice moving out to the door. He turned to where Trent sat.
“That was a good movie,” he started. “I mean, I couldn’t follow it all, action movies are sometimes like that, but I like the dialogue, funny stuff.”
“Oh. Yeah, sorry,” Trent replied loudly. “It must be hard to watch movies when you can’t see them.”
“Sometimes,” Mattie said, equally as loud. “Sometimes they have descriptive video. That helps.”
Trent leaned closer, eying him, trying to discern if Mattie could see him at all. “What can you see?” he asked uncomfortably.
“Nothing, I’m blind,” he said. “I’m one of the rare ones that have no vision at all. Why, did you want to pick your nose or something? Go ahead, I won’t know at all.”
“Uh, no, of course not.”
“Sometimes people think I’m watching them,” Mattie said. “They think I see more than I let on. But nope, totally blind.”
He waited for something. Even a curse under the breath, as many did, their quiet pity enough to let him know they felt terrible about it. But there was nothing from Trent. He turned his head slightly. Time to move the conversation along.
“So what keeps ya busy, Trent?” he asked.
“Oh, uh, office supplies.”
“Ah. Great.” What could he say about office supplies?
“Yeah. It’s pretty boring, but I work with good people, so,” Trent said. “I guess I should be grateful I can go out and work.”
“Yeah. Me, too.”
“You?” Trent sounded doubtful.
“Yeah. I go out and work.”
“Oh. You do? Where do you work?”
Mattie could tell the man expected Mattie to say he worked through a disability support job. Those jobs were great for so many people, but Mattie was not one of them.
“I’m a professor of English lit at the university,” Mattie said. He wished he could see the expression on Trent’s face, but the disbelief in his voice was still rewarding.
“A professor? Really?”
“Oh, yeah,” Mattie shrugged. He truly didn’t think Trent believed him. He wanted to shake the man up, and what he really wanted to do was stand up and tell Trent that he’d better not hurt his sister, because there would be trouble. He knew that would do him no favours with Amber, though, so he let the whole conversation drop.
Amber returned, and it couldn’t be soon enough for Mattie.
“Want another beer?” she asked them.
“No, I’m turning it in,” Mattie said, leaning forward and finding his cane on the table. “Anything you need me to carry out?”
“No, it’s good, Bro. Thank you.”
“Okay. Well, thanks, guys. Trent, nice meeting you,” he said, standing and holding out his hand. He waited, and his hand finally was grasped for a short moment and let go.
“Okay,” he said again, and headed out toward the kitchen. Amber followed him out.
“You good?” she asked him when he had his boots on. She helped him to put on his leather jacket and zipped it up as he stood there looking patient. She always had to feel like she took care of him, and he let her. He’d learned through his life that it was easier to let her mother him, and even when he proved his independence every day, there were times that he let her do what she needed to do.
“You like your jacket?” she asked, noticing how it was breaking in nicely around the creases.
He nodded, a smile lighting his eyes. “It’s getting softer, too. It’s so comfortable. Did I thank you for it?”
“Every day you wear it,” she said, leaning up and giving him a hug. “Love you, Baby Brother,” she said.
“I love you, too,” he said, sounding exasperated, patting her shoulder. “You guys have a good night.” He found the door and stepped out, across her stoop and down the small step, following the direction of his cane. His inner compass took him exactly to where the wooden post stood with his guide rope attached.
It wasn’t really cold, he noticed, though he could feel the dampness in the air. He reached his driveway and went to the back door, flashing the porch light on and off twice for Amber. He wasn’t sure if she even was still watching for it anymore, but he always remembered to do it.
“Your brother’s not coming, is he?” Trent asked Amber as she crossed the kitchen with her shoes in her hand the following Saturday afternoon.
“Why?” Amber asked.
“Oh, you know. Just that everything takes so much longer and I don’t want to be all day. He wouldn’t probably like it anyway.”
Amber glowered at him. “What is the problem?” she asked him. “You act like he’s contagious or something. He’s not a chore, you know. I actually like hanging out with him because he’s a good guy. If you got to know him, you’d see that, too. Give him a chance.”
“I just don’t know what to say to him.”
“It doesn’t take a philosophy degree to have a conversation. You talk to him the way you talk to everyone else, good grief, Trent! He’s a smart guy. He knows way more than anyone I know.”
“I just find it awkward, you can’t blame me.”
“Yeah, I can,” she said.
“I don’t even know if I am supposed to look at him when I talk to him. I mean, isn’t it rude to look at him?”
“Uh, no,” Amber said, decidedly negative. “It’s rude to not talk to him and pretend like you don’t see him there. That’s rude. He won’t make you go blind by talking to him, you know.”
“Well, I know that, Amber. For fuck’s sake, I just want to hang out with you, Amber, not your brother.”
“Well, you know what? If you feel that way, then I don’t think I want to hang out with you, anyway.”
“Hey, come on, we have fun, we have fun when we go out, Amber. I just don’t want to have to look after the handicapped when I first start dating a girl,” he said. “I’m sure he’s nice. I just... I get confused at where he’s looking, it’s weird.”
“He’s not looking anywhere,” Amber said. “He’s blind. That’s all. Just blind. Everything else is perfect. Maybe I should just stay home, you go ahead.”
‘ “Amber!” he protested. “Come on, I’m kidding! We can hang out with him later, but right now, I just want to be with you, okay?”
“No!” she snapped. Where was this guy coming from? Craig had always liked hanging out with Mattie. Trent wasn’t even giving Mattie a chance. “I don’t think it’s cool at all. I think you should go.”
“Amber, I drove all the way out here, come on!”
She shook her head.
“Jeez, whoever goes out with you has to go out with your disabled brother, too? Good luck with that,” he said.
Amber walked to the door and opened it. She was over him before he even walked out.
Small Mercies Chapter 49, a romance fiction | FictionPress
