Tension Turned Tender

I swear, I woke up as one person and by the end of the day, I feel like I’ve been completely unraveled and put back together—breathless, aching, and so aware of my body.

It started innocent enough. Work, meetings, the usual. But then there was him. Our chats. The way his words wrapped around me like a firm hand at my throat, teasing, guiding, making me need. The way he knows exactly what to say to make me tremble, to make me crave. I could feel my heartbeat between my legs. I got lost in it, in him.

And somehow, I still had to sit through a meeting afterward, pretending to focus while my mind was far from professional. Every second away from him felt like withdrawal. And when I finally got back, desperate to pick up where we left off… God, it was intoxicating. He makes me feel like a work of art—something to be desired, to be molded, to be stretched 🖤.

I don’t know where this is going, but I do know one thing: I’ve not been this turned on for so long. And I don’t want to come down.

For me, arousal might not look exactly the same as it does for most. Because of vaginismus, I can’t just slide fingers or toys inside whenever I want. So when I touch myself, I focus on the outside—the build-up, the teasing, the pressure, the rhythm. But I crave more. My body wants to be opened up, to be taken deeper.

That’s why this weekend, after far too long of neglecting it, I’m starting my dilator exercises again. I know it helps when I’m turned on—not just because it makes things easier, but because it makes it so much better. I have no idea where I’ll have to start… how much I’ve lost from not keeping up with it. But I’m hoping it’ll be a good experience.

We’ll see how it goes. And of course, if you’re curious, you’re welcome to follow along. This is just the beginning.

When I was younger, I never thought I’d be able to have sex. Vaginismus felt like a barrier I could never cross. For those who don’t know, it’s an involuntary spasm of the vaginal muscles that makes penetration painful, if not impossible. I couldn’t even use tampons. The thought of being intimate with someone felt terrifying and hopeless.

But therapy helped. Slowly, I learned to navigate my body’s reactions. I could eventually use tampons, and with enough patience, I even had rare instances of penetration. But the real turning point came when I met my (now ex-) boyfriend.

Redefining Intimacy

We didn’t have penetrative sex for the first year and a half of our relationship. And surprisingly, that didn’t feel like a loss. What we had was deep, intimate, and profoundly connected. He never pressured me. Instead, he cherished every step of the journey, from the smallest progress to the moments of vulnerability where I admitted it was too much.

Eventually, we did try. His patience during foreplay was unmatched. He treated me like I was precious, fragile even, but not in a patronizing way. It was like he understood how much trust it took for me to let him in—physically and emotionally. His size didn’t make it easier (he was quite well-endowed), but the challenge became part of our shared experience.

The Struggle Became the Turn-On

What surprised me most was how arousing the struggle became—not in a masochistic way, but in the tension between discomfort and trust. He would whisper things like, “Just breathe, relax, I’m here with you. You’re doing so well, I’m so proud of you.” And in those moments, I felt more connected to him than I ever thought possible.

The pain wasn’t just a barrier anymore; it became part of our intimacy. The way he carefully pushed my limits, the way he encouraged me, comforted me—it all made me feel incredibly desired. And knowing how much tighter I felt for him because of my vaginismus only heightened the experience for both of us.

Sometimes, when I asked him to stop, he wouldn’t immediately. He knew my body, knew when I could handle just a little bit more. And honestly? That gentle persistence was intoxicating. The mix of control and care, of resistance and surrender, made our sex life incredibly intense and unique.

Beyond Penetration

But it wasn’t always about penetration. There were many times when just his fingers, or even his words, were enough. Even inserting a single finger could be challenging, but his patience never wavered. He celebrated every small victory with me, and that made all the difference.

Now That It’s Over…

But… our relationship ended. Not because of the vaginismus—sexually, we were perfect together—but for other personal reasons. And now, I find myself wondering if I’ll ever find that kind of connection again. The tederness, the endless patience, the excitement of pushing boundaries while feeling completely safe—it’s hard to imagine finding someone who understands all of that.

And then there’s the practical side. I need to keep up with my dilator exercises to maintain progress, but doing it alone feels… difficult. It’s hard to stay motivated a few times a week when there’s no one there to encourage me, to celebrate the little steps.