fragments of maps

i am having a really hard time. i can’t keep up with anything. i don’t know what i like anymore. i don't do anything i thought i enjoyed. i feel like i don't even know who i am. my brain keeps ruminating, thinking, losing itself. i am panicking over nothing. it is hard to breath. i am scared of everything. i can’t get out of this headspace. i am suffocating in it. i want to wake up tomorrow and not think about all this. but i don’t even know how i will get to sleep with my mind racing right now. i want a break from my head, but that’s not possible.

i haven’t written on here in quite a bit. at least not in long form. i haven’t been in a great headspace in a while. my depression and anxiety have been getting to me more than i’d like to admit. i’ve been overly obsessing about things and certain compulsions i do have gone into overdrive. i am not pleased with this state i am in but i am stuck. i know some of it is my own doing. i am just living in this existence wondering where the time has gone.

but in speaking of time, as long as i make it through today (which i will), then tomorrow is my ten year anniversary clean of cutting. that is a massive one. an entire decade has passed. it doesn’t mean i haven’t self-harmed since, just that i haven’t done that in ten years. it is so weird to think about. i was sure i would’ve relapsed many times in the years past. i know if someone knew how i still sometimes self-harmed they would think i didn’t make it ten years, but in how i see cutting itself, i have not resorted to that at all.

i don’t know how i feel about all this. i assumed i should feel relieved. i thought i was supposed to be celebratory about this, as if it is some accomplisment. which, don’t get me wrong, i understand it is an achivement. that is not an understatement, as ten years is a long time. but with my mental health the way it’s been, i don’t feel much more than weird about this entire thing. but i figured that i should say something because i am still trying to survive in this life and get through it the best i can.