Watching

In fact I hardly recognized you

It was hard to remember what you felt like, until I felt warm water run over my skin- the first in a long time

I feel you in the way my blankets engulf my small form

I feel you in the scent of lavender and the melodic flow of a stream

I hurt every single day and i struggle to even get out of bed

I paint on a smile for everyone around me because im the happy one i cant be depressed

I cant be sad

I cant be anything but cheerful

But inside im dying im hurting and im suffering

Being with him is a temporary reprive but everyone has to go home at some point

Everyone has to leave

And i go home with that empy feeling in my chest again i cry myself to sleep again just to paint on another fake smile the next day

I wonder if i didnt paint on that fake smile if anyone would notice

If anyone would care to ask what's wrong but i know deep down it would hurt more to do that because pity and sorrow is not what i want

I dont want everyone to look at me with sadness in their eyes because they know im broken im ok i swear i always will be in the end but sometimes its harder than you think

I dont know how to keep going without everyone, when they all leave I'll be used to it ill be numb

Im really not that bad but some days are harder than others im happy, i can do things but sometimes i just dont have the energy to push through this

I have my motivation and my reasons for living though

He wouldnt be the same if i died

Nobody would, nobody would really ever recover there would be a hole where im suppoused to be

I like to cruze

And when I sleep

Break it a thousand times over

For when you wake the world will be changed