lost in a daydream

The one thing he was loudest about was how much he loved you.

Ever since you first started dating, you had caught on about how loud and passionate Travis was about the important things, but it still never failed to amaze you how he took any and every opportunity to remind you and anyone else just how much you meant to him. Walking down the street he’d make sure to always have his hand intertwined with yours, not letting go unless he needed to hold a door open for you or pull a chair out when you were out for dinner. He loved taking cheesy photos with you, posting them on his socials, even though he wasn’t exactly inundated with followers the ones he did have knew you were together. Even when you told him a new joke or fun fact, he made a point of telling everyone he worked with the next day. “My girlfriend told me that one, isn’t she the best?”

You loved how loud Travis was about how he cared about you, and he never seemed to mind that it wasn’t the same on your part. Of course you adored your boyfriend, he was the best thing to ever happen to you. But the way you showed up was different, you did it in the small and silent ways, You loved giving him sentimental gifts, yearned for the nights in when it was just the two of you and you talked for hours, made a habit of remembering the small details and celebrating them. Shouting from the rooftops wasn’t your style but you still made a habit of proving how much you loved him. It was never an issue, you and Travis were happy and secure in your relationship.

So it came as a surprise when something as simple as a throwaway comment shook you up so much.

You’d come into work to surprise Travis that evening, having been working the whole day, and you were stood at the front desk chatting to Naomi when he appeared from the elevator. The second he saw you, his whole face lit up and he came bounding over to you, wrapping his arms around you and kissing the top of your head.

“Hey, baby.” He grinned, pulling you impossibly closer and you giggled. “I missed you.”

“It’s only been a few hours.” You reminded him. He pulled away slightly so he could look at you, shaking his head.

“That’s way too long.” He told you. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Naomi cleared her throat loudly. “OK, as much as you love you both, do I always have to watch this insane amount of public affection? Get a room.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I have the best girlfriend ever.” Travis fired back. She rolled her eyes but she was smiling.

Griffin suddenly made an appearance, waltzing through the front doors like he was doing everyone a favour simply by being there. You had to stifle a groan when you saw him, and Travis put an arm around to pull you into him. Griffin was a creep who would take any opportunity to hit on you but with your boyfriend next to you, you knew you were safe. He took all of you in standing around the front desk and rolled his eyes.

“Hey assholes, don’t you have work to do.”

“Oh, settle down Griffin.” Naomi responded. “It’s the night shift at a storage unit, not exactly excitement central.”

“Yeah, relax. We’ve got it under control, man.” Travis chimed in.

“I’m not paying you to stand around and chitchat.” He fired back. “Get to work.”

“Technically you’re not paying me at all.” You pointed out, making Travis chuckle next to you. It wasn’t often that you verbally expressed your distaste towards Travis’ boss, not wanting to put his job in jeopardy at all, but sometimes you couldn’t hold back. Griffin gave you a look of disdain.

“Wow, look who finally figured out how to talk.” He chuckled to himself. “Didn’t think you knew how. Always wondered why Teacake keeps you around.” The last part was muttered under his breath, loud enough for only you to hear. The comment made you stiffen slightly as his words hit you like a tonne of bricks.

Because you wondered if he was right?

Travis remained blissfully unaware of your inner turmoil as he rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. He leaned in to whisper in your ear. “I swear, if he didn’t pay my wages.”

“I should probably head off and let you focus.” You told him, stomach still churning.

“Are you sure? I hate that I didn’t get to see you today, but I’m off tomorrow. We can hang out all day then.”

“That sounds nice, as long as you really want to?” You forced a smile onto your face. “We can go out somewhere if you like.”

Travis shrugged. “I’m happy hanging out at home, I know you’d prefer that.”

“Yeah, but-“ you were cut off by Naomi yelling something at Griffin, at which point Travis stepped in to help her out. You admitted defeat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, baby. Love you.” He called out to you as you walked away.

“Love you, too.” You wandered out, inner monologue completely spiralling.

***

Griffin’s words weighed heavy on your mind over the next few days. You hated that you were letting him have such an effect on you but you couldn’t help it. Of course people had mentioned before the contrast between yourself and Travis, how your boyfriend could easily talk for the both of you, but it was always light-hearted and breezy. No one had ever voiced the idea that Travis didn’t really want you. It couldn’t be true, could it? Travis adored you, he told you every day. Would he ever doubt your relationship? You loved him so much, surely he couldn’t ever doubt that. Could he?

Despite how much you insisted it wasn’t true, you could feel yourself pulling away from Travis over the next week. You didn’t want to but your brain was telling you it was easier to do it that way, cushion the blow. You stopped going in to see him at work, stopped texting him on your breaks to update him on any work drama, even made sure you were asleep when he got home in the mornings. That one hit the hardest, feeling him climb into bed next to you so gently so as not to wake you up, stroking your hair gently. You could practically feel how much he wished you were awake so he could talk to you about his night but he never woke you up.

Still, he could feel the space growing between the two of you. And he hated it. You were always there, when he reached out he could just trust that he would find you. So this new tension was really getting to him.

Day eleven was when he finally caved in. You were in the kitchen making some coffee and he wandered, looking a little bit lost. He took you in, still as gorgeous as the first day he met you, and the way you were keeping your back to him. The two of you had perfected your kitchen routine and it always consisted of chatting happily, cracking jokes, sometimes even dancing around together like children. Today there was this uneasy silence that he wasn’t used to. Something inside him cracked.

“Did I do something?” He asked, voice tinged with sadness. You immediately spun around and frowned, face wrinkled in that way that always made Travis’ heart skip a little.

“What are you talking about?”

He sighed, face crumpling and it broke you. That face was always so happy and joyful, you never got tired of it. You always said to yourself that Travis’ face was one you could spend your whole life knowing, though you’d never said it out loud. This was where all your problems were currently stemming from and you couldn’t let it eat you up anymore,

“Travis, can I talk to you for a minute?”

His face immediately registered panic. “Oh God, are you breaking up with me?” He crossed the kitchen in two strides, scrabbling to grab your hands and keep you close. “I swear whatever I did I can fix it, please don’t do this, baby.”

“No, no. Travis, I’m not breaking up with you.”

He exhaled loudly, relief flooding through him. “Jesus Christ, don’t do that to me again, please.”

“I’m sorry.” You couldn’t help but smile a little as he tried to regain his composure. “But I do want to talk to you about something.”

“Anything, honey. Tell me what’s going on?”

You tried to figure out how to open the conversation, unsure of how to navigate this unfamiliar ground. In the end you decided to just go for it. “Do you ever feel like I’m too quiet for you?”

Travis tilted his head, looking puzzled. “What do you mean?”

A sigh escaped your lips. “It’s just…Griffin said something the other day when I came in to see you.”

“What did that asshole say? I swear to God, I’m not above fighting my boss, I know I could take him.”

“You don’t need to do that.” You assured him. “It’s just, he said he didn’t understand why you kept me around because I was so quiet. And I guess I started to worry that he was right.”

Travis’ felt like his heart had shattered at your admission. “Baby, you don’t really believe that, do you?”

You shrugged, folding your arms into yourself. “I don’t know, sometimes I worry that you don’t know how much I love you because I don’t say it as much as you do. Because I swear, I do. I love you so much, Travis. Even when I’m quiet about.”

“Hey, hey. Breathe, honey.” He reached out and pulled you into him, rubbing circles into your back to calm you down. “Look at me a second.” He stepped back slightly so he could see you. “Just give me one minute.”

He walked out of the kitchen towards the bedroom, leaving you standing there. “Travis, where’d you go?”

“I’m coming.” You heard him shout through, the sounds of him rummaging under the bed also coming through. After a few minutes, he reappeared clutching a small cardboard box which he placed on the counter. “Here, look at this.”

“What is that?” You chuckled, walking over as he took off the lid. Inside the box was stuffed full with little trinkets and ornaments. Travis began gently taking each one out so you could see it.

“You see this?” He took one out. “This is receipt from the first coffee you bought me when I got sick. It was pouring rain but you insisted on running out and getting me my favourite because I was dying from a cold. And this?” He continued. “These are the movie tickets you waited two hours in line for because you knew how much I wanted to see this movie on opening night. And this? The leaf you bought home for me because it was starting to turn golden brown and you know how much I love autumn.”

He pushed the box towards you as you stared in disbelief. “Travis. You kept all this stuff?”

“Of course I did.” He said with a smile. “Because you gave them to me.”

“I can’t believe this.” You leafed through everything in the box, all the beautiful evidence of the relationship you’d built with Travis. “This is amazing.”

“So are you.” He affirmed. “Fuck what Griffin, or anyone else thinks. It never mattered to me that you aren’t as loud as I am, in fact I always thought we were like a fine wine and cheese. We balance each other out perfectly.”

You were full on beaming now. “I never thought about it like that before.”

“Well, I hope you never think that I don’t want you, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I love you so much, baby.”

“I love you too, I promise.”

***

gator wants you to feel loved. knows you deserve to. he knows he loves you. so he tries. pushes past all of the terrible teachings roy put him through of the role men served in relationships: protect and provide and not much else, and shows up in ways he knows how.

he notices one morning that your bedroom window doesn’t stay open, sliding shut each time you try to let the spring air in. you give up eventually, shrugging and walking out of the room. he fixes it while you’re in the shower; the track was being blocked by years of dust accumulating, and leaves it open for you to find. when you see it, you thank him with a squeal and hug him so fast it knocks his breath out of him for a second.

another time, you mention how nervous you get driving on the freeway on thursdays when your office requires you to go into the next town over. the next Thursday, you wake up to a knock on your door at 6am and a ready Gator leaning against the doorframe with his truck keys in hand. he drives you to and from Bismarck every Thursday moving forward. he can still feel the press of your lips on his when you thanked him, leaning over the center console from the passenger seat before hurrying into the office.

one day, he sees flower bouquets marked down to $5.89 at the gas station on his way to yours from a patrol shift. some of the buds are wilting and they don’t smell all that fresh, but gator isn’t an expert on flower quality and wants to do something nice for you, so he adds them to his haul (jerky stick, Mountain Dew, new vape cart) at the checkout. when you open your door to him, bouquet in hand, your face erupts into the smile he loves so much, the squeal he finds adorable leaving your lips as you gush over the discount flowers and pull him into a hug.

later that night, you thank him again for thinking of you and getting the bouquet.

he sniffs. “yeah, well. you deserve it, sweetheart. ‘m sorry im not all that good at…” he gestures around. “lovin’, or whatever.”

your eyes grow wide at his admission and you’re grabbing his hands in yours before he can continue. “gator, you’re used to people overlooking everything you do for them, because maybe you’ve been raised to think that’s just what’s expected. I see you, and I feel so loved by you,” you whisper.

it’s him that pulls your face to his for a kiss that time.