counting the ways to where you are

Commissions for @wadinginthecreek! 

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

2: What is your full name?

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?

5: What’s your eye color?

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

8: What would you say is your best quality?

9: What are you really bad at?

10: What talent do you wish you had?

11: Are you nice to everyone?

12: What do you think about the most?

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself

14: What is your least favorite word?

15: What is your favorite word?

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone

19: Are you lying about anything right now?

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?

22: Do you believe in soulmates?

23: Are looks important?

24: Opinion on relationship age differences

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?

31: How does someone win your heart?

32: What turns you on?

33: What turns you off?

34: Do you get jealous easily?

35: What is your definition of cheating?

36: Do you forgive betrayal?

37: Have you ever been cheated on?

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?

39: How often do you listen to music?

40: First concert you attended

41: Last movie you watched

42: Favorite type of movie

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

45: Do you fall in love easily?

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?

I’d wondered. Wondered when you didn’t log back in, when there were no updates, nothing. I can’t even count the times I stared at your ask box on a Thursday, typing and erasing… so many things. 

I didn’t think you’d want a message from me. Didn’t think you’d ever want to hear from me again, honestly. And… I was a coward. I didn’t know what to say.

Sure, I know your buttons. Know how to push them, know how to get you pissed, how to turn you on.

But you know all of mine, too, did you know that? Every one. Sometimes just a look, a glance, a movement from you is all it takes.

….It’s good to see you back on a Thursday, Sky. You don’t know how good.

“You look so hot when you’re pissed at me.”

….Fuck. No, I didn’t know, I… I didn’t realize. I didn’t even know you were in the hospital. I dropped the ball on that one. I promised myself I’d be there for you and I’m sorry I wasn’t. I should have been.

The kid… Sky. You tried. You tried to help him and he got a crush on you. I can’t blame him too much, you’re smart, sexy, and were kind to him. So maybe you got in over your head, but… your heart was in the right place. Am I a bit jealous? Yes. Always have been but… that’s my own fault. And I… I have no moral ground to talk. 

What have I been up to? I don’t even know where to start. We got pulled from the sandbox, sent back over to the EU. Floated around Romania, Hungary, the Czech Republic, Germany, up into Russia a bit. Various missions, mostly intelligence-gathering or specific search and exfil. Spent time undercover until I got a little too… disengaged to continue with that. Spent a lot of time with… less than the sharpest faculties. Floated around with being the guy who got the team whatever we needed, wherever we were, as long as not too many questions were asked.

I was fucked up, Sky. And you weren’t the only one on a course of self-destruction. I spent many a weekend in Amsterdam or some other similar place. One of those trips… There was a guy. Reminded me of you, a bit - tall, dark hair, broad shoulders. Didn’t have your hips or waist or eyes or lips… didn’t have your features. Wasn’t you. 

Looking at you, he was nothing like you. But it’d been a year since I’d seen you last, and my dreams and imagination weren’t enough. 

I stopped, Slagger, before it’d gone too far. It didn’t feel right. He wasn’t you and you were who I wanted. I grabbed my shirt and jacket and left. Spent the next week too fuzzy to even get outta my rack. Sabien wasn’t pleased but what was he gonna do?

After that, I made an effort to come back to the world of the living. Decided I’d take some leave I had coming and go look for you. Started to clean up, ease off on the drink and… other things. Then Sabien was reassigned without giving any of us notice, took a fucking promotion to the CIA. New CO came in - seasoned, career military and you could tell he planned on whipping us back into regs.

That’s when we found out I’d been fast-tracked due to the family name and Sabien pulling strings. Hadn’t actually met the requirements for Delta Force, but there I was. Couldn’t admit the mistake, would have disgraced the team and Army. So I was honorably discharged, took the first flight back to the States and you know the rest.

You said that Hickston isn’t anywhere great but this was all you had. But… I hope you consider that now you have me, too.

Dropped the ball? How? We lost touch, Slagger.  Nothing you can blame yourself for there. That promise I don’t know when you made it but you were still In and deployments make it hard to keep track of anything even if there was usual contact between two people.

I just wanted to be something of a role model for him and I don’t know Wes... I screwed up in there. Maybe it was the way he looked at me or maybe I was just stupid. I’m the fucking adult but I felt coerced, somehow. I loved teaching. I loved it so much but after that... I don’t think I can step foot in a classroom as a teacher again. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

You were disengaged? How? I thought you liked your job? You always were smooth. Or at least Malek was. He seemed to be the guy who could practically pull anything. A lot of times it seemed out of his ass.

... You gonna tell me you haven’t had any since... since Paris? I know I hadn’t but for other reasons. There was coming back and the IED... just haven’t felt wanting to get close to anyone. I know I’m lucky I got only some scars and other people lost limbs and more but... the scars bug me. They are not sightly. I just haven’t felt wanting to get close to anyone really nothing that would involve seeing me without clothes on.

I know things were off with you considering... considering how we first met. How you needed crash course training on horseback riding. Still, remember that. But there was something about you that wasn’t quite like the others in your squad. Didn’t say shit because it wasn’t any of my fucking business but... you got out and came found me. Wasn’t expecting you to come walking in that Dojo and acting like you had all the right in the world to come strolling up to me and acting like nothing happened at all.