anna

The rest of November passed quickly, and as December slowly went by, you got increasingly nervous about heading home. Your parents hadn’t sent out any howlers, which you appreciated, but you knew they were watching. And you knew that you’d have hell to face when you got home.

Even with that thought hung above your head, nothing could bring your mood down. For the first time, it felt like you could truly appreciate Hogwarts like every other student.

“Are you guys heading home for Christmas?” You brought up, sitting in the Gryffindor common room. You knew the other Gryffindors were giving you weird looks, but no Gryffindor would mess with you while the Marauders were around.

“I’m heading to James’,” Sirius told you, and you nodded.

“I think my parents want to travel before things get any worse in the wizarding world,” Peter shared, and you smiled.

“I’m heading home, but I’ll probably be around James’ a bunch. What are you planning to do?” Remus asked. You shrugged, feeling the sinking feeling that you felt whenever your mind drifted to your family. You wished you had an escape, but you didn’t. Not like Sirius did, at least. It was going to be your first ever Christmas without your sister, and the thought of that was something you hadn’t truly processed yet.

“I’ll probably see Regulus a lot. My parents told me they’re hosting another party, so I might end up seeing Mulciber, maybe Severus and Malfoy too. A lot of the Black family, really. My parents adore them,” you sighed, “but I’ll have Regulus around, so it won’t be terrible. Merlin knows he’s the only Black I tolerate,” you joked.

“Very funny, (Y/L/N),” Sirius deadpanned.

“You’re going to be alright though, yeah?” Peter asked, and you shrugged.

“I hope so…” you trailed off, not wanting to share just how bad your family was. You were strong, and you could handle another Christmas with them. And then it’ll be back to Hogwarts, where you’d be safe.

-

You arrived at King’s Cross quicker than you would’ve liked, but a train ride spent with Regulus was a time well spent. You could practically feel his mood shifting as he prepared himself to see his family. Both of you started slipping into your personas of being the perfect child, and before you got off the train, you gave him a tight hug.

“I’ll see you soon, I hope. Write to me often, Reg, you know your letters get me through this.” He smiled at you one final time, and you kissed him on the cheek before getting off the train to face your parents. They had written you to tell you that they’d meet you at the station, and you were hoping they wouldn’t. Any moment spent away from them was a blessing.

Once you exited the train, it was easy to find your parents. They were talking with the Blacks, and you could see the Marauders from a distance away. You were able to meet eyes with Sirius, and you gave him the tiniest of waves before turning to face your parents.

“Mother, father,” you greeted simply. They turned to meet your eyes, and your mother opened her arms for a hug. You didn’t have any choice but to pretend — that was all this was. A game of pretend, a game of dolls, a game of house and the perfect pureblooded family. 

“It’s good to see you again, my sweet,” your mother said, but you could hear the coldness of her voice. Walburga and Orion looked at you with fake pitiful smiles, and you knew. You knew that whatever you’d face with this break would be terrible.

Letting you go, you took a few steps back before turning to the Blacks. “Hello.” Out of the corner of your eye, you could spot the Marauders looking over at you, and a lurch in your chest told you that you’d rather be with them. From behind you, Regulus finally joined you — you wondered where he went, although you wouldn’t ask till later.

“Hello, Miss (Y/L/N) and Mister (Y/L/N), and hi, (Y/N).” You smiled at him, relieved to be around someone you could tolerate, but also worried. Although your parents had a strong friendship with the Blacks, you wondered what would be so important that they’d be waiting for the both of you together.

“(Y/N), Walburga, Orion, and Regulus are going to be staying with us. We’ll be hosting the party the day after tomorrow, and there will be important news announced. You are to be on your best behavior, understand?” You nodded. “Good,” your mother brushed her thumb against your cheek, and you willed yourself not to flinch. Taking a look at Regulus, he shrugged, and you inwardly sighed. Whatever your parents had prepared, it wouldn’t be good.

-

“What do you think they’re planning?” You wondered, laying in Regulus’ lap. It was the day of the party, and the house had been chaotic for the past few days, everyone frantic to throw the perfect party to welcome the beloved heirs home. On the bright side, with the Black family here, your parents hadn’t tried talking to you about how you were acting up in school.

“No clue, but I think it involved both of us. Why else would we be staying?” You looked up at him, his eyes peering down at you. “And as comfortable as we both are, we need to get ready soon.”

“Right he is!” Your mother chimed as she opened the door. She looked pleased as she took in the position that you and Regulus were in, but turned to face Regulus. “You should get going, sweetheart, your mother is waiting for you in your room.”

You wished Regulus didn’t have to leave so that you didn’t have to be with your mother alone, but you didn’t protest. Watching as he left the room and closed the door, you turned to face your mother, who was rummaging through your (rather big) closet. “As you know, I’ve been preparing for this party for a while, and we’re so very lucky to have the Blacks on board. I thought things would’ve been complicated after Sirius turned out the way he did…” Your mother pulled out a dress before making a look of disgust, continuing to flick through the clothes.

“But we’re happy that things have worked out. You get along well with Regulus, right?” You nodded, brushing through your hair. Your mother felt the littlest bit motherly, and you indulged yourself in it, at least until it would get worse. “Good, good. I was worried that things wouldn’t work out after your little act at school, even though I know you’re still hanging around Gryffindors. At least two of them are pureblooded, even if they’re blood traitors.” You rolled your eyes. So much for that.

“Besides the point. We’re expecting a lot of you when you return to school. I know what we did over the summer had scared you, but it’s showing you reality. You’re one of us, now, my sweet. Anything you do now reflects on that, and I just don’t want you to get into trouble. Your father wishes the same, even if he never shares that.” Finally, your mother pulled out a green ballgown, one that was strapless and had a slit to show off your leg. There weren’t any sleeves, and you knew you couldn’t get away with wearing something over your arm either.

The Dark Mark sits on your arm, a painful reminder of just how deep you succumbed.

“I know it was early for you to get the mark, but we had to prove your worth. You’re already part of the sacred twenty-nine, and with Sirius turning out to be the way he is, we had to do something. There’s no doubt that Regulus will have to too.” Once you got changed, your mother pulled you to your vanity so she could do your hair. “I would’ve preferred you get the Dark Mark in your last year. But what’s done is done, and we can’t dwell on that.”

Every minute you spent with your mother felt like it’d never end, but by the end of her dolling you up, you looked like how you did for every other party. Except this time, your mother pulled out a thin long box, and you raised your eyebrows.

“This is my necklace. It’s been passed down for generations, but you’re growing up now. I want you to have it. It’ll show that you’re truly a (Y/L/N) now.” You nodded, and your mother clipped it on, making sure to not get your hair in the way. “I love you, my sweet. You’ve never looked as beautiful and mature as you do now.” Your heart clenched a tiny bit, and you willed yourself not to cry. There was something about this moment that felt different than the other ones you shared with your parents, and no matter how much you hated them for what they’d put you through, you felt as if they loved you. 

“Thank you,” you said, “The party is starting soon, right? You should head downstairs, I’ll be down in a bit.”

Your mother gave you a kiss on your forehead, and you watched as she left. She felt so much like a mother, and you wished it was like this all the time. Even if she got on your nerves by sprouting some stuff about the Gryffindors, you knew that you’d pick this over the regular relationship you had with your parents any day. You wished your sister was here to see you now.

The mark on your arm throbbed again, and you sighed. It was time to go to the party.

-

The ballroom was filled with people, most of which you recognized were avid Voldemort supporters or pureblooded. Looking around for Regulus, you noted that you could see Mulciber chatting someone up. Someone was playing piano, and all the tables were filled with food. This had to be the grandest party yet.

Finally spotting Regulus, you hurried over to him. “Reg! You look good,” you smiled. It was true; he looked more dressed up than he normally would be. You noted that his bowtie was the same shade of green you were wearing. Seeing a small blush on his face, you chuckled.

“You look nice, too. Green’s a pretty color on you, but I’m sure you already know that.” You laughed, opening your mouth to speak before effectively getting cut off by your father’s booming voice.

“Thank you all for joining today, as we have very pleasing news. About a decade ago, the Blacks and us had made an arrangement to marry off our first borns.” You turned to face Regulus in shock only to note that his face was the same. “Unfortunately, the Blacks’ first born turned out to be a blood traitor and as you know, this summer, my firstborn had passed away. Therefore, the Blacks and I have been talking, and we had agreed that Regulus and (Y/N) would be a far better match. Their chemistry is undeniable, and their wedding is going to happen as soon as they turn of age. This is our formal invite to everyone in this room. Congratulations, Regulus, (Y/N).” Your father stopped speaking, but at this point, you didn’t know what to say.

An arranged marriage? With Regulus?

It’s true that you and Regulus were close friends, hell, he was probably your closest friend, but you never considered him romantically. But you’d never considered anyone other than Sirius romantically. You didn’t know if you could even indulge in this; sure, Regulus was nice, but he was almost like your little brother. You weakly smiled at all the stares in the room, but didn’t voice any of the thoughts you shared out loud. Instead, you whispered to him, “I’m happy it’s with you out of anyone it could’ve been with. Meet me at my room after the party?” 

Regulus agreed, and your only question was how you could possibly deal with this after the party. Would you have to wear engagement rings? There’s no doubt that you couldn’t date anyone anymore, not in public anyway. It’d get back to your parents, and you couldn’t risk that. 

And for the first time since meeting the Marauders, you truly realized that you were stuck with nowhere to go.

-

“I’m sorry this ended up happening,” Regulus whispered. The two of you were sitting in your bedroom, still wearing your party outfits, and you were still reeling from the revelation.

“A decade, Reg. And I bet even if things had worked out differently, we would’ve ended up married anyway. Sirius and my sister, and then you and I. Talk about a union,” you scoffed, leaning into your bed. “What are we going to do at school? Are we going to be… a couple? Actually date?”

“I don’t think we really have a choice other than do that, do we?”

“Ugh…” You stuffed your face into a pillow for a good minute before peeking your head out at Regulus, “This would be so much easier if I was bloody in love with you,” you sighed.

“We could. Actually d-date, I mean. It’d probably be more enjoyable for the both of us than to just pretend.” Regulus nervously spluttered out. You stared at him, thoughts rapidly shifting from one to the next. Could Regulus actually have feelings for you? Your eyebrows furrowed as you tried to comprehend this thought. You never considered the possibility that Regulus might have a crush on you, but you never considered a possibility of dating anyone other than Sirius either. And now that Sirius had made it clear he wanted to be friends and nothing more…

Could you imagine spending the rest of your life with Regulus? Waking up to his face, kissing him good morning, joking about his terrible morning breath before he has to leave? Could you imagine pretending that a war wasn’t going on out there, surrounding you, and having your newfound friends fighting for your life? Could you imagine being married to Regulus?

But what you actually said was, “You… have a crush on me, right? I never suspected anything until, well, now. But you know I’m still trying to get over Sirius, and if we did date, I do wish that it would’ve happened naturally instead of like. This.” You gestured with your arms, trying to read what he was feeling. He’d always been hard to read, especially when he grew up in a family just like yours, but he was much easier to read than Sirius.

“I am. I never told you because there wouldn’t have been a chance that you’d like me back, but you’re trying to get over Sirius and even though I’m unhappy that my parents planned this out for us, I’d be a fool to put my all into this relationship without making it clear how I felt. We’re in the same boat, and it’s better now than never.”

“Quite Gryffindor of you to say that,” you joked with a wry smile. “I… can’t say I like you back. If I were to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever considered you to be more than my brother, and I can’t promise you anything else. But we can try and date, and even if it doesn’t work out, we’re still going to be stuck with each other no matter what. There’s nothing stopping that. I can try learn to love you as more, but I can’t promise anything.”

“I know,” Regulus whispered, and he took hold of your hand. “And I’m willing to enter this relationship with just that.” 

You smiled warily, but squeezed his hand. You were afraid to hurt him beyond repair. When Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor, their relationship had become strained and you were the only person he held close, other than Kreacher. You found their relationship amusing, but never commented upon it. 

Maybe you couldn’t have Sirius, and maybe you were stuck in a marriage you didn’t want with in-laws you despised and you lived under the roof with people you frankly wished you didn’t care about, but at least you could try and make your life as good as it could be.

“What are you made of, steel?” Was the first thing you said, and you quickly covered your mouth, shocked at what had slipped out.

James chuckled, but you could see that there was something in his eyes that was not there before. You knew that things between his friends have been tense recently as rumors that Sirius had played an awful prank spun through the rumor mill. You’ve seen James Potter from afar before. He was bright and joyful. Even if you agreed with Lily that he was a bit of a bully and egotistical, you could view in his eyes that he was a good person.

“Steel hard abs, maybe,” he quipped back, and you rolled your eyes at him. “Be careful, Filch was just leaving the kitchens before this. He wasn’t walking this way, but you can’t ever be too careful.”

“Filch was there and you didn’t get caught?” You raised an eyebrow, but you weren’t really surprised. The Marauders got away with a lot of stuff, and it was a mystery to most the school how they did it. “I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I’m going to the kitchens to make hot chocolate and get some cookies, I’ll make some hot chocolate for you if you come along.”

“Bribing me with hot chocolate to be in my presence already?” James joked, and you nudged him. Nonetheless, he followed you the way he came from.

“Anyway,” you started, “Are you feeling okay? I think I’m overstepping by saying this, but you’ve looked bloody miserable for a while. I don’t know what happened with Black, but…” You trailed off.

James looked hesitant to share anything, but there was something about your presence that seemed comforting. Maybe it was the way that you genuinely seemed to care by offering hot chocolate and asking without seeming like you had another motive, or maybe it was because you were there right now and you seemed like the type of person he’d be friends with, but something about you just made him want to spill.

“Not really. The rumor mill is somewhat right. Sirius did a terrible thing that spilled someone’s really important secret, and he did it in the worst way possible without thinking about the consequences. That’s all I can say without revealing anything that I’m not supposed to reveal,” James confessed, and you nodded.

Tickling the pear, you greeted the house elves and started prepping the stuff needed to make hot chocolate. “Well, I don’t know the situation so I can’t necessarily offer my advice, but… you all look downright miserable without each other. It’s weird not seeing you guys accompanying each other in a group. Whatever happened did happen, but from what I know about Black, I think he’s beating himself up enough over it. I think he’s rather lonely without you guys, and I know you two have a brotherly bond. Even if he did a terrible thing, if he genuinely feels bad about it and sees where he went wrong and is willing to fix that, then maybe it’s time for some baby steps.”

“I think I want to start fixing this, but I don’t really know how to. For one thing, he broke our trust, and we’d let a lot of things slide, you know? But this… this is beyond that,” James sighed, taking hold of the cup of hot chocolate you slid over to him, “We really need to talk about it as a group, but Sirius and the other person keep avoiding each other.”

You already knew the other person was Remus, especially since Peter looked lost even as he followed James loyally. From this, you knew that it wasn’t James’ secret either.

“I’m sorry, Potter. I wish I could offer you more advice, but there’s nothing I can really say. But thank you for confiding in me, I swear I won’t share anything you’ve told me.” You pat his arm before picking up the food you wanted up.

“Thank you, (Y/L/N). You were fine, you said exactly what I needed to hear. It’s nice to have an outsider’s point of view.”

You wish you were surprised at how sensible and loyal James was, but you weren’t. Your mother was right — eyes are the window to the soul. A bit of light returned to their eyes, and you were happy that you were able to do that for him.

Your parents were the sweetest people you knew. Your birth parents had fallen ill with the Dragon Pox when you were five, and you were constantly around caretakers until they had passed. You didn’t remember them to the extent you would’ve liked. You were put up for adoption, and your parents — who were also wizards — welcomed you into the family without ever looking back.

You were exposed to tragedy early in your life, but that never stopped you.

You ended up sharing a train car with two other girls your age, although the three of you didn’t end up becoming very good friends. Excitement and jitters filled your conversations, although you were all sorted into different houses.

Upon arriving at Hogwarts, you were in awe. You’d heard stories about the beauty of Hogwarts, with their floating candles to the castle-like interior. You’d ever tried reading Hogwarts: A History, although you got bored quickly and opted to play quidditch in your backyard instead.

When your name was finally called, you took a seat and the Sorting Hat was placed upon your head. You beamed, although your leg shook with how nervous you were. Both your birth parents were Gryffindors, although your adoptive parents were Hufflepuffs. You didn’t mind getting sorted in either house.

‘Oh, a (Y/L/N)?’ The Sorting Hat hummed, and you nodded. Although you were adopted, your last name never changed. You appreciated that your parents never did so, because even though you didn’t consider your birth parents mom and dad, at least you had a piece of them with you. ‘Your parents were the greatest Gryffindors I’ve seen, although you have a heart of pure gold. The way your heart swells when you think of your parents show me your Hufflepuff heart. You’d do well in either of those houses.’

You beamed, nerves quickly washing away. You had grown up with Hufflepuff ideals, so you weren’t surprised that you were considered for Hufflepuff. ‘But… I think you’d do better as a Gryffindor. You have great things ahead of you, (Y/N). So…’

Your eyebrows furrowed at what the Sorting Hat meant by “great things”, but before you could ask — think? — the Sorting Hat yelled, “Gryffindor!”

Moving off the seat, you walked towards the Gryffindor table, sitting in the closest empty seat you could find. As more people got sorted, you turned to the girl next to you, a red-head with stunning green eyes, and introduced yourself.

“Hi! I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!” You smiled, not knowing what was in store for you for the next ten years.

-

1972.

By the time second year rolled around, you had befriended the infamous Marauders. You weren’t necessarily as close to them as you were to Lily, but you found them funny. Except when James was asking out Lily — you always found yourself in a sour mood, although you had no clue why. You had came to the conclusion that you were just possessive of her friendship, since you had never been to close to someone else who wasn’t your parents to this extent.

You listened to Lily complain about the Marauders a fair extent. Remus was occasionally included in the complaints as well, although he usually got away with more things than the others did. You hung around Snape as well, although he never seemed too keen to talk to you. He seemed to tolerate you best when you were with Lily as well, although you always joked that being around Lily seemed to bring out your best qualities.

“What does Evans see in Snivellus?” James moaned again, putting his head down onto his textbook before peeking up at you.

“They’ve been friends since before Hogwarts, you know. You can’t separate them that easily, it’d be like if Lily constantly told you that you shouldn’t be friends with Sirius because he’s a Black.” You shrugged.

You and James had this conversation quite a few times. Lily didn’t necessarily approve of your friendship with him, but it didn’t stop you. Especially when you knew that James was a softie behind his egotistic exterior. You tried telling Lily this, although James always seemed to embarrass himself with Lily was around.

“But the point is that Sirius isn’t like his family. Snape fits in with those Slytherins, stupid pureblooded maniacs.”

“Snape isn’t even a pureblood,” you commented, “plus, not all Slytherins are bad. This is why Lily doesn’t want to be friends with you, much less your girlfriend.” You ruffled James’ hair, feeling a bit sick at the thought of Lily being James’ girlfriend.

You didn’t even believe in cooties anymore, and romance was cute. You had no idea why the idea of James and Lily made you feel so… sad. Shaking the thought off, you stood up.

“I should get going, I told Lily that I’ll join her and Snape to study potions. I’ll catch you later, James.” You smiled at him, taking your books and swiftly leaving.

-

1973.

By the time you were in your third year of Hogwarts, the mood shifted. No one was oblivious to this, but some people pretended they weren’t aware. Life became more intense, more stressful — there was a war building outside of the school, and fights broke out more often.

You made sure to accompany Lily everywhere.

You knew that Lily knew what you were doing, and you knew that she was a little annoyed by it. After all, she was independent and a brilliant witch, and more than capable of taking care of herself. But you were scared anyway. Scared for yourself and scared for her and anyone who wasn’t pureblooded.

But you tried carrying on with life as normally as possible, despite the fact that you subscribed to The Daily Prophet and read it every morning as opposed to just hearing news from your parents. You even wrote to them more than normal, and they sent you care packages about once a month. You didn’t need it, but you appreciated stuff from home. It made you feel safer, and you always made sure to share anything you got with Lily. You even tried out for the Quidditch team, having missed out last year. You ended up being their seeker, and you took pride in how happy everyone was in you. Especially how happy Lily was. You knew she was fascinated with Quidditch, despite being terrible at flying.

You grew even closer to James after you got on the Quidditch team, but a part of you always felt sad when you were around him. You still had no clue why, and it only intensified whenever Lily was brought up or associated, and you tried steering clear from the topic as much as possible without seeming suspicious.

There was a part of you that was confused, though. James and Sirius started hanging out at the library, and you didn’t know why. There were no pranks that happened, but they could be seen reading and researching something throughout the year. Peter joined them, although it was normal to see him in the library as well. Sometimes Remus was around, but mostly he was working on his own schoolwork. Whenever he was with the Marauders while they were off researching, he always seemed a bit nervous and exasperated at the same time.

You wondered, but you knew you wouldn’t get an answer.

-

1974.

“Don’t you find it odd that James, Sirius, and Peter always look so tired the day after Remus is out sick or his mother is sick? It’s like when he’s away, they go wild.” You brought up to Lily one day.

Lily shrugged, “They’re always a bit weird, though? They keep so many secrets… I would’ve expected them to be blabbermouths, but they never share any of their secrets. Haven’t you noticed that whenever someone is in trouble they end up at the scene?”

“It is odd… I don’t think I’d ever be able to understand boys,” you joked. Lily rolled her eyes, a fond smile on her face.

The two of you sat in silence at the Great Hall, watching James, Sirius, and Peter’s sluggish movements. A bit later, Remus came to join them, looking just as tired as they did. You exchanged a look with Lily.

Once again, you found yourself hopefully lost in Lily’s eyes. They’re always so vibrant, and you hated when they dulled just the tiniest bit whenever something happened with her sister. You wished you could take all her pain away, to always be there to pick her up no matter what happens. It pained you to be in a state where you couldn’t do anything to help.

“Earth to (Y/N)?” Lily snapped her fingers in front of your face, causing you to blink. “You’re staring again. Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah,” you said, a familiar flush creeping up on your face. You had the littlest of ideas why you kept on staring at her, but you didn’t want to feel this. Not towards Lily, at least. Not towards your best friend, who you could easily lose by admitting these feelings.

Fourth year was the year you started getting suspicious of the Marauders, realized your tiny crush on Lily Evans, and came out to your parents through a letter.

-

1975.

Fifth year was the year you became best friends with Sirius Black.

You had no idea why Sirius had started avoiding the Marauders, nor why they were so aggressive towards him. The entire group was tense, and from what you’ve been told, you knew that Sirius did a terrible prank that was unforgivable. You knew that James was upset that you were hanging out with Sirius, but you had came to the realization that Sirius was rather… lonely, at least without the Marauders around.

There were always rumors circulating at Hogwarts, but as you talked to Sirius, you realized that it wasn’t as true as it seemed.

The two of you were currently out after curfew, hanging out in the astronomy tower. You were smoking a cigarette that he’d passed you, and you just stared up at the ceiling.

“You’re in love with Evans, aren’t you?” Sirius interrupted your silence.

You turned to face him, your eyebrows furrowing. You could feel a sick feeling starting to build in your stomach. No one knew this, even though you had came out to your parents as attracted to both boys and girls.

“Why do you say that?” You hesitantly asked.

“You’re always staring at her. You always perk up when she’s mentioned, not to mention you always get moody every time James talks about liking her. You glare at any people who try and ask her out on dates. Only an idiot wouldn’t know.” Sirius turned to face you.

“Merlin, is it that obvious?” You groaned, “Yeah, I figured out that I liked her last year. But I don’t even know if she likes girls like that. Not many people are accepting, you know? I don’t even know if you are.”

“It’d be ironic if I didn’t accept it. I’m in love with Remus.”

“You are?” You blinked, jaw dropping a bit. You didn’t know if anyone else in Hogwarts was like you, but here Sirius was. “Do you just like guys or…?”

“I don’t know yet. I think both, kissing girls is nice, but with Remus…”

“With him, it’s different.” You finished his sentence.

-

1976.

In sixth year, you hung around Lily a lot more. She was still struggling after what Snape had said to her, and you once again wished that you could take away her pain. She was suffering, and you didn’t know what to do to help her.

You had asked James for a passageway out to Hogsmeade, and you snuck her out despite her poor protests. The two of you drank butterbeer while you let her cry (for the final time, she swore) on your shoulder. Eventually, her tears faded out and all there was was anger. Anger for not realizing just how much Snape had changed, anger for being so dumb, and anger that Snape was becoming just the type of person who wanted her dead.

Sixth year was also the year where James and Lily started becoming friends. It didn’t happen immediately, and they still argued. Their differences continued being highlighted, but as James helped Lily loosen up, Lily was able to reign James in a considerable amount. At this point, you knew that it was inevitable that they were going to date. You felt jealous, but you still suffered in silence. Instead, you started spending more time with Sirius.

It was nice to see everyone in semi-good spirits, though. Especially when the air at Hogwarts started becoming increasingly tense. The Marauders had made up, and although Snape tried to grovel at Lily’s feet and beg for her friendship, things were as good as they could be.

Life went on.

Before the end of sixth year, Sirius pulled you aside.

“I have a question to ask you,” Sirius started. You raised an eyebrow, telling him to go on. “We’re both in love with people who… to put it frankly, won’t love us back. Do you want to go on a date? We deserve better than to pine for people who won’t feel the same.”

You were shocked at the question. You didn’t know what to say, because you’ve always been turning down dates. But you knew that Sirius had a point. “I… Yeah, let’s do it. Next Hogsmeade weekend?” You asked.

And so, you and Sirius started dating. Congratulations started pouring from everyone you knew, and you were sad to see Lily be so utterly happy for the two of you.

-

1977.

Your seventh year at Hogwarts was a weird combination of things. For one thing, you didn’t really expect James to become head boy, but you weren’t surprised that before the new year started that he and Lily started going out.

Your heart still hurt every time you saw the two of them together. They were happy in their own world, light pecks all the time, and you missed Lily a lot more now that she didn’t even sleep in the girls dormitory. You cursed whoever made the heads their own quarters instead of them sleeping with the rest of the year.

You were still dating Sirius too, despite the fact that both of you were still pining over people who wouldn’t love you back. You guys were as happy as you could be, given your position. Whenever the other felt too sad, there would be ice cream and cuddles. You guys kissed, but you knew that there was a low chance that it’d ever get further than that. Both of you knew that this relationship was just a distraction from your true feelings.

At the first quidditch match of the year, right after you had caught the snitch, someone had cursed your broom and you fell right out of the sky. You were in the hospital wing for three days, with a terrible concussion and too many of your bones broken, but you lived. You never found out who cursed your broom, but everyone was on their toes for the next few days. You knew that Sirius and James blamed the Slytherins, and a part of you agreed. After all, there were some Slytherins who made it obvious that they supported Voldemort.

This was also the year where you and Lily were filled in on Remus’ condition. Lily confessed that she already knew that Remus was a werewolf, although never knew why the other boys were always so tired. After reassuring Remus that neither of you were going to stop being friends with him, you begged Sirius to turn into his dog form for cuddles.

Things were as good as they could be.

-

1978.

You broke up with Sirius before the school year ended. The two of you knew it was coming, and it was always a question of who would ask first. The Marauders seemed upset with you at first for “breaking Sirius’ heart”, although Sirius constantly reprimanded them for it. You were still good friends, and you both were more physical with each other than regular friends, but it was nice.

The day you graduated, you cried. A lot of people did, so you weren’t alone, but you knew that this would be the last time you’d be in Hogwarts as a student. You probably would go see Dumbledore a few times in Hogwarts, especially after being recruited for the Order of the Phoenix like your other friends were.

That summer, in the mail, you received invitations to Lily and James’ wedding. You already knew that they were getting married, but this just solidified the fact. Sirius came over that day, and you cried, not that you’d ever admit that to anyone else other than him.

You attended the wedding with Sirius as your +1, although he was invited too. You knew all of your friends were a bit confused about where you and Sirius stood, but you never really gave them an explanation.

Before the end of the year, Remus was sent out to talk to other werewolves to try and recruit them for the war. This time, you went over to Sirius’ place to try and relieve some of the anxiety he felt. You were anxious too — even though you weren’t as close to Remus as you were to Sirius, you knew it was a risk. Everything all your friends did was a risk, and you were constantly worried for them.

-

1979.

Your arm burnt with the Dark Mark.

You were sent to infiltrate the Death Eaters by Dumbledore. The only person who knew of your mission was Sirius, and you feared the day that you’d end up having to fight against your friends as a supposed Death Eater.

You weren’t a hateful person, but every time you insulted muggleborns or said anything even related to pureblood supremacy, you wanted nothing but to hate Dumbledore. You were resilient, and a good witch, and your acting skills were top notch after hiding your feelings for Lily for so long.

Your life was constantly at risk, and you wrote letters to all of your friends explaining everything in case you died. You were building up rank in the group, and eventually, you would be one of Voldemort’s most trusted members. You filled him with lies about who was fighting against him, never actually giving up anyone who was in the Order. You had learnt occlumency so you weren’t as vulnerable.

You barely saw any of your friends that year. You had moved houses when you were assigned to the job. Sirius informed you that he suspected that there was a spy in the Order, and you told him you’d keep an eye out in case there was someone in the Death Eater meetings that you recognized.

“I think… it may be Remus.” He admitted sadly that same day.

“Remus? Our Remus? He’s loyal beyond everything.” You protested. “We already know what mission he’s doing, and I would suspect Remus the least out of almost everyone.”

“But isn’t that the point? He’s been alone his whole life, hating himself for being a werewolf. Suddenly, he’s with other werewolves, and he feels like he belongs. We never see him, and all Dumbledore and Moody say is that they’ve been in touch.” Sirius shoved his face in his hands, sighing. “This war is a bloody mess.”

You shook your head, “I don’t think Remus is the type to submit to his urges so easily. You’ve met the man, Sirius.” You leaned your head against Sirius’ shoulder. “I haven’t seen you in two months, Sirius. Between Remus and I, I’d be more suspicious. I bet some of the other members already are. All they know is that I’m on an important mission and I can’t see anyone. Suspecting each other will just bring our downfall.”

Sirius grew quiet. “I’m sorry, (Y/N). Some people do suspect you, but to be fair, you haven’t been to an official Order meeting in months. I haven’t even seen you for the longest time. Only Moody, Dumbledore, and I know what you’re doing. I wish I could tell them so that they don’t think that way anymore, but I can’t.”

“I hate this so much. Merlin, I need a drink.”

-

1980.

Between pretending to be a Death Eater, working for the Order and gathering intel, and then finding out about the prophecy and how Lily and James were expecting a child, you were running yourself thin. You were utterly exhausted at this point, and all you wanted was a break. Somewhere where this war didn’t exist.

You still hated yourself for loving Lily to this extent. Hated that you still couldn’t let her go, and hated that she probably thought you were leaking information to the Death Eaters.

A part of you wished that you told Lily of your feelings for her while you were still in Hogwarts. Before everything in the world became reality for all of you. You felt stupid for thinking this way, but you ultimately wished things were just different.

War really was draining.

-

October 31st, 1981.

The morning of October 31st, 1981, you were called to a Death Eater meeting. There, Voldemort and a few of his trusted members were waiting for your arrival. There, you saw a man you hadn’t seen in almost a year.

Peter Pettigrew.

Did you two get sent on the same mission by the Order? You masked your expression of confusion, looking at him and the fear evident in his face. You wondered why they would send Peter, of all people. You adored Peter, he was like a little brother to you, although you knew how easily he scared when he was on his own.

“Good morning,” Voldemort started speaking, “For the past year, (Y/L/N) has been telling us insider information about the people fighting against us.” You forced a smile on your face, ignoring Peter’s heavy stare. All the information was fake and staged, although Peter couldn’t possibly know that unless he was informed you were on this mission and you weren’t.

“But, a week ago, Pettigrew was able to tell us the location of the Potters.” Your eyes widened just a tiny bit, “They had tried using a Fidelius charm so that only a trusted person would know where they were, and I’ve been planning on taking down their child in this time. As you all know, the boy who was born in July is the one who is supposedly going to destroy me. I cannot allow that to happen, and Pettigrew supplied me with the information I need while the baby is at its most vulnerable.”

You willed yourself not to react until the meeting was over. The moment you were allowed to go, you left as quickly as possible, avoiding Peter. Casting a patronus charm, you sent out a message to Lily.

“Lily, I was on a mission to infiltrate the Death Eaters and Pet…”

Before you could finish your sentence, you were out.

You couldn’t help the pounding of your heart when you thought about him, no matter how many times you’ve told yourself that he’s in love with another and that he’d never have a place in his Lily loving heart for you. And of course, it wasn’t as if he didn’t care, because he really did. James cared in a way that you treasured. He cared with gentle hugs, by remembering your favorite snack and getting them for you, and by never hesitating to come over to your house when you were sad and bringing you your favorite movies and carrying another big hoodie for you to eventually steal.

He cared so much, that it hurt. It hurt you to be impossibly in love with him, to have him be the only possible cure for this disease, and to watch him pine over a girl so amazing, so perfect — a girl who wasn’t you. And it wasn’t that you haven’t tried getting over your feelings. You’d been on countless dates and buried into your search history was, “how to get over your feelings for someone” and “how to fall out of love with your best friend”. 

And now, you were seeing him in a way that you’d never had before.

It was a bit pitiful, honestly. James was curled up into a ball, his head in your lap. Your back was against his bed frame, and your hands were running through his untamable hair. Occasionally, he’d hiccup, the exhaustion of sobbing for so long finally catching up to him. And you wished you could do more for him, the way that he did so much for you.

“James, honey, do you want to talk about it?” You asked softly, peering down at him.

“I dunno…” James hiccupped again, “Have I not been trying hard enough, (N/N)?”

You continued to run your hands through his hair, “Of course you’ve been trying hard enough, darling. You charmed flowers into making them sing for Lily, James. That’s impressive magic, and you did even more than that. Afterward, you went up to her and…”

“And embarrassed Merlin’s pants off of myself. I asked her out, gave her an expensive locket, and she told me straight-up that even though we’re friends now, she didn’t see me in the same way. I thought I was making progress, but she told me she wasn’t interested. At all. And she wouldn’t be. What about me isn’t good enough for her?”

You sighed, “James… There’s nothing wrong with you. And I can tell you that over and over. You’ve grown so much since first year. And I can’t say that you weren’t an asshole at some point, because you were,” You chuckled, and as you looked down at him, you noticed the slightest of smiles on his face, “But you’ve grown. You’re head boy, for Merlin’s sake. You’re intelligent, kind, and you have such a strong sense of morals. You stand up for what’s right, and you’re more determined than anyone I know. And an excellent quidditch player.”

And he was everything to you. You wanted to tell him just how much he meant to you. You wanted to tell him about how you could see the world in his eyes. His beautiful, hazel eyes, that were so genuine. You wanted to tell him how you could drown in them. You wanted to tell him how you thought he was stunning, thought his personality was so attractive. That you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. Loving him, caring for him, even pranking with him.

James whimpered a tiny bit, and you sighed softly. “Do you want me to make you some soup? You can come down to the kitchen with me while I prepare it.”

James took a minute to consider until he finally nodded. You smiled, waiting for him to get up so you could get up yourself. It was a good thing you were seen around James almost constantly, or otherwise, people might’ve found it weird that you were coming out of the boys’ dorm room. Grabbing onto his hand, you led him towards the kitchens, nodding at people you recognized. 

“Prongs, (Y/L/N)!” A distant voice yelled, and the two of you stopped. Sirius took that moment to throw his arms around your shoulders, cheerfully asking, “Where are you guys going? No invite for old Padfoot?”

“To the kitchens,” you said as James said, “nowhere”. You raised an eyebrow at him, but he didn’t look at you.

“Aw, am I interrupting your alone time?” Sirius joked, and you shook your head no at him. ‘Not the time,’ you mouthed.

“Shove off, Padfoot. C’mon, (Y/N), let’s go.” 

You furrowed your eyebrows for a moment as you watch James walk off, and taking a moment, you quickly whispered to Sirius. “Lily happened. He’ll be okay, I’m making him soup.” You pat Sirius’ arm and scampered to follow James. 

Half of you wished that James was annoyed because he wanted to spend time with you alone. You felt selfish for thinking like this, especially when he was feeling upset, but you couldn’t shut down those thoughts. You knew that James hated being so vulnerable around others, especially since he was generally an upbeat person.

“You alright?” You asked after a minute of walking beside him.

“Yeah…” James sighed, turning around to face you, “I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now. Anyone who isn’t you, at least. You’re the only one I feel okay with being vulnerable with.”

You could feel your heart racing faster as you stared into his eyes. He was being completely honest, and once again, you were reminded of just how much you utterly adored James. Everything about him was so genuine. 

“And… thanks.” James said suddenly, causing you to snap out of your thoughts.

“For what?” You raised an eyebrow, silently noting how close you and James were standing.

“For caring about me, I think. You’re… so amazing. No one can match up to you.” James took a step closer, and you could hear your heart pounding. “Thank you for being here. I know I’m mopey when it comes to Lily, and I know that I’m overwhelming to deal with sometimes. But you’ve always been here. Thank you for being my constant.”

Your eyes softened as you took a small step forward. You told yourself that he was just being platonic — he needs someone to comfort him, not to kiss. Not when it was so soon after Lily, and even if he did realize he liked you romantically, you couldn’t. It was early and entirely possible that he just viewed you as a rebound and when the relationship ends, it’d be awkward.

“I’ll always be here for you, James. You know that.”

James nodded, opening his mouth to speak again, “(Y/N)... I think I’ve realized som…”

You shook your head at him. “Don’t say it, James. I think I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t want to be a rebound. I’ve been in love with you for ages, and I refuse to be the girl who you date after you got your heartbroken because I was here. When you’re over Lily, we can talk about it again, if you still feel the same. But for now, put your mind off romance. Let’s just be James and (Y/N).”

- every year, james would be surrounded by his friends. but what if The Prank happened before james’ birthday? (it fits in the time frame perfectly :3c)

- sirius was off to god knows where more than half the time. james noticed, of course he did. sirius didn’t spend much time in the great hall, in their dorm, etc, and he’d always bring the map with him. he knew sirius did something terrible, but he also knew that sirius felt extremely guilty.

- but he didn’t want to ask too much from anyone. because remus just had his trust broken, and sirius felt terrible, and peter was on remus’ side because it was remus who he was friends with first.

- so, during fifth year on his birthday, he didn’t want to mention anything. he woke up early and disappeared into the room of requirement that same day.

- it was lily who found him first, actually. james barely had any clue of how long he’d been in the room, but he’d been sleeping for most the day. the other half the time, he was doing work or reading about quidditch.

- “i had a suspicion you’d be here, potter.”

- james would never admit it, but he jumped. unknowingly to him, lily visited the room of requirement almost as much as he did. it was a good place to get away from her thoughts, and her visits increased tenfold as it neared the end of the school year. she didn’t want to go back home to petunia.

- “oh, hey evans,” james would try to be casual. it didn’t work on lily.

- the two sat down and talked. for lily, it was an eyeopener to james’ more sensitive personality. and i’m a sucker for remus and lily’s friendship, so lily knows of his furry little problem. and of what happened with the whomping willow.

- and for james, it was the first time he truly let himself be more vulnerable with her. he liked lily, and it was clear as day to anyone, and it hurt getting rejected, but he didn’t mind chasing (ha). he didn’t really know how to be himself around her, but he was learning.

- james tells lily how he saved snape. lily knew that james was a decent person, but it just reinforces it. it was at that point lily understood that even though james bullied snape, at the very end, he wouldn’t allow anyone to die.

- and james tells lily about how he didn’t want to bother his friends. he tells her about how sirius was purposely avoiding everyone because he knows that remus doesn’t want to talk to him. he tells her how he knows sirius feels terrible and that if he had a choice, he wouldn’t ever do it again. he tells her how he doesn’t want to force his friends to be together and talk to each other for his sake.

- most importantly, he tells her that even though he misses how the marauders were, how he knows everyone is traumatized from the event, he tells her how he was trying to be strong too.

- it continues opening things up for lily. this was james’ best friend and brother. sirius and james had an unbreakable bond, and everyone knew that. and sirius was like a phantom, barely to be seen, and remus was coping with his trust being broken. he knows everyone was struggling. but he was too.

- james has nightmares, sometimes. about not being able to save snape and remus having to be exiled. of not knowing about it. of hesitating for a split second. he hadn’t told any of the marauders that, but lily was... lily was lily. and james felt like time stopped when it came to her. he felt safe.

- and james confesses that he doesn’t want to talk about it either because he knows that peter and remus and sirius all have nightmares about it too. he can see it in the dark circles under their eyes. he can see it in the way sirius can’t look anyone in the eye. he can see it in the way remus couldn’t focus on anything he read, constantly rereading a page over and over. he could see it in the way where peter used to study, but lacked any motivation to do so anymore.

- he didn’t want to bother him.

- and lily’s heart clenches for him. because he was a boy that she painted to be so bright and arrogant. he carried himself with confidence and was a natural genius. but she sees him a bit more, now. james potter, someone who seemed so simple to understand before, was now a lot more complex.

- he was empathetic for his friends. he carried the brave face, a shit-eating grin, but he was observant about the tiny things. he was passionate and loved his friends more than anything, and was extremely loyal. 

- and lily’s heart swells some more.

- “i think we all have problems right now, james.” lily starts, her hand bringing james’ face towards her. it was the first time she ever addresses him by his name. “i think everyone in the marauders misses what you guys had before. yes, what sirius did was... terrible, frankly, but he feels bad for it. and maybe you guys can’t solve your problems now, but you guys will. because your friend group is strong. but they miss you. sirius was at the great hall for breakfast and lunch today, and he was carrying around a bulk which i can only assume is a present. peter had some snacks, but he started eating them because he couldn’t find you and got anxious. (james snorted, and lily grinned.) remus was holding a quidditch book, i think, and one of those honeyduke chocolate bars that you guys always seem to buy out the entire stock of before i get there. they miss you. things are tense, but you guys are the marauders.”

- and james nods. he didn’t notice, but his head had leaned into lily’s touch. they were still in that position before lily ends up hugging him.

- james thinks about how small and warm she was against him. he thinks about the scent of her hair, the pretty flush on her cheeks, and the way he felt like he could spill everything to her.

- lily thinks about the toned body of james, not in a perverted way (maybe a little in a perverted way), but in a way where it was reassuring and steady and made her feel safe. she thinks about how he smelt like broom oil and a faint scent of cinnamon. 

- after james’ birthday, their banter was more friendly. until the snape incident, where he called her a mudblood. james was defensive over lily, but lily didn’t want to talk to him.

- it was understandable. she just lost her childhood friend after realizing what people had been warning her about was right. and lily tried blaming james for a while, because it was his fault that he egged snape on, but she never had the heart to do so. because what best friend would call you a slur? what best friend wouldn’t stop hanging out with people who made them uncomfortable for good reason?

- come sixth year. by james’ birthday, lily and james were friends again. their banter returned to being playful, but they weren’t close. james had slowly ceased his flirting and pranking.

- lily couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why he changed, but she was happy. she didn’t have to feel bad about rejecting him. the pranks that james did still pull were funny, but it never went to the extent like it used to.

- maybe it was the war upcoming. students in hogwarts, no matter their year, seemed a lot more solemn now than before. everyone was on edge, and for good reason.

- and come seventh year. at that point, their friendship was the complete opposite of first year. because now, lily knew she was head over heels for james fleamont potter. and james knew that he was in love with lily.

- that’s when he’d ceased the flirting almost completely. because he was in love with her, and he realized that rejection hurt a lot more than before. so he kept his feelings to himself, although anyone with eyes could see just how much he loved her.

- on this birthday, there was a party. well, there was a party often, especially during birthdays, but this party marked their turning point.

- firewhiskey, muggle alcohol (who dared to sneak that in? probably remus.), butterbeer. there were tons of illegal substances, but who was stopping them? not the head boy and girl, of course.

- by the end of the party, most people had passed out in the common room. james and lily had retreated to the boys bedrooms (james knew better than to try climbing the girls side again), and they were a little drunk. liquid courage, amirite?

- it was tense, actually. they’d been on the brink of confessing their love for each other for ages, except james didn’t know that lily felt the same way. but james felt tense too, because he was scared to confess his feelings impulsively and scare lily off.

- it was lily who initiated the first kiss. james was probably talking about the future, how when he was smaller, he’d always wanted to be a quidditch player, but now he was going to be an auror. and lily just took a fistful of his shirt and pulled him in to kiss him.

- because he was just talking so much with those kissable lips, and lily couldn’t contain herself.

- and james looked frazzled, but it was a good kind. he pulled lily back in and kissed her, and he cheekily whispered, “hey, it’s not midnight yet. we could have birthday sex.” because he was a fool who was just a tad bit drunk and he was in love with her and she just kissed him.

- lily smacked his head, obviously, but kissed him again.

- they announced that they were dating the next day (but they both heard a few whispers, because “weren’t they dating already?”)