I’m Here

Late at night is when everything seems to rush at me all at once, when I'm by myself in the quiet.  During the day I usually have enough distractions to feel at least somewhat stable.  It’s in these moments at night that I feel so small and so painfully alone.  Thanksgiving Day hit me harder than I thought it was going to, considering I did not spend Thanksgiving with him last year, and those feelings have carried over into today.  Now, as I descend into the actual Christmas season, I feel so much darkness in the middle of all this light, and I dread what is ahead of me in the next few months.  He should still be here.  He should have been with me yesterday.  And today.  And every day.  My life should not be what it is now.  As happy as I attempt to be it doesn’t feel as happy as I know I should be.  Nothing hurts more than his absence.  I don’t ascribe the word “hate” to a lot of things, but I make exception for this.

How I flirt: *stares from distance*