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it was a sick, parasitic kind of comfort, but you knew down to your bones that your love for him was mostly rooted in his willingness to be your emotional graveyard. you could bury every ugly, toxic, venomous impulse you had inside jake, and he would just stand there and take it.

anyone else would have left you months ago. anyone else would have screamed back, told you to fix your own issues, or walked out the door. but jake stayed. he always stayed, absorbing your bad moods like a sponge, letting you treat him like dirt just so you could feel a twisted sense of control.

his submission was your security blanket. you needed him to be weak for you. you needed to know that no matter how monstrous you became, he would never have the spine to walk away.

you loved him most when you were ruining his day. you knew exactly what you were doing, and that was the worst part. it wasn't a sudden, mindless outburst, it was calculated. the pressure from work was heavy, a dull ache in your temples from hours of pretending to be agreeable, and the moment you shut your laptop, you needed a target. you needed to test him again.

jake was sitting at the kitchen island, his own laptop open, working quietly. he looked so stable, so grounded. it made something ugly twist in your stomach.

"are you really just going to sit there?" you asked, your voice deceptively calm as you walked into the kitchen. "i’ve been drowning in that room for four hours, jake. you haven't checked on me once."

he paused, his fingers hovering over the keyboard before he closed it halfway, turning his full attention to you. "you told me this morning that you needed absolute silence until your team call." he said, his voice level, fully reasonable. "i was trying to respect your boundary."

"respecting my boundary, or just taking the easy way out?" you crossed your arms, leaning against the counter. you knew it was unfair. you knew he was just doing what you had literally asked him to do, but you wanted the friction. "it’s convenient for you, isn't it? you get to play the perfect, hands off boyfriend so you don't actually have to deal with me when i'm stressed."

jake sighed softly, rubbing the bridge of his nose. he didn't look angry, he just looked tired. but there was a patient logic to him that always irritated you because you couldn't easily break it. "that's not fair. if i came in there, you would’ve told me i was suffocating you. i’m trying to give you what you asked for. if you want me to be there, just tell me. you don't have to turn it into a test."

he was right. he was always right, and it drove you insane. but deeper down, under the irritation, a sick wave of relief washed over you. he was arguing back, but he wasn't leaving. he was staying right there in the mud with you.

"i shouldn't have to ask." you said, stepping closer, your tone dipping into something venomous. "that's the point. you're just... complacent. you're passive in your own life, so you're passive with me. you just sit back and watch me burn myself out, and then you act like you're the victim because i'm snappy."

jake looked up at you, his dark eyes holding yours. he took a slow breath, absorbing the insult to his character. anyone else would have told you to go screw yourself and walked out of the apartment.

"i'm not a victim." jake said quietly, his voice dropping a register. "and i'm not passive. i'm choosing to stay here and talk to you because i know you're stressed, even if you're taking it out on me. but don't pretend i don't care about you just because i'm not screaming back."

you stared at him, your heart hammering against your ribs. you loved this. you hated yourself for it, but you loved how much you could push him. his stability was a wall, and you wanted to see how hard you had to hit it before it cracked. you loved him because he let you be the villain. he let you be toxic, he called you out on it logically, but he never closed the door between you.

"you're so pathetic." you whispered, the words heavy and cruel, meant to bruise. "you let me say whatever i want to you. don't you have any dignity?"

there was a sudden shift in the air. jake didn't blink. his jaw clenched, just a tiny tic in the muscle, and his posture went entirely rigid. the patient, reasonable boyfriend seemed to vanish for a fraction of a second, replaced by something much colder.

"is that what you think this is?" jake asked, his voice incredibly quiet now. "you think i lack dignity?"

your phone buzzed on the counter. you looked down at the glowing screen, the name michelle (manager) flashing in a mocking loop. it was your lifeline. a reminder that in exactly five minutes, you could step behind your professional shield and leave jake bleeding on the floor of your kitchen.

that safety net gave you a reckless surge of bravery. you looked back up at him, forcing a cruel little smile to hide the sharp prickle of sweat at the back of your neck. "if you had any dignity, jake, you wouldn't be sitting here asking me that. you would have packed your bags months ago." you leaned your weight back against the sofa, crossing your ankles on the coffee table, deliberately trying to look bored. "but you're still here. you always stay. any normal man would have told me to go to hell, but you just sit there and absorb it because you're terrified of what happens if you leave. you would rather let me treat you like trash than face an empty apartment. it's pathetic. you're actually addicted to being my punching bag."

it felt heavy. the words felt like actual bricks you were throwing at his face, meant to shatter whatever resolve he had left. you wanted him to look wounded. you needed him to look small so you could feel big.

but jake didn't shrink. he slowly closed his laptop. the click of the plastic lid closing was loud, sharp, and final in the quiet room. he didn't look tired anymore. the exhaustion you had been capitalizing on seemed to evaporate, leaving behind a cold, terrifyingly sharp focus.

"i'm not terrified of being alone." jake said, his voice entirely devoid of the warmth you usually relied on to survive your own guilt. it was steady, too steady. "i stayed because i thought that under all this miserable, toxic noise you make, you actually loved me. i thought you were just hurting, and i wanted to be the one to hold you through it." he stood up from the barstool. his movements weren't rushed, they were horribly deliberate instead. "but you don't love me, do you?" he asked, walking around the kitchen island. he didn't stop until he was standing right at the edge of the sofa, looming over you. the shadow he casted completely blocked out the light from the kitchen window. "you don't want a boyfriend. you just want a safe place to be a monster without any consequences."

the truth hit you like a physical blow to the stomach. you hated how easily he could read you, hated that he had just dismantled your entire psychological coping mechanism in two sentences. the twisting guilt in your chest mutated into pure defensive malice.

"maybe you're right." you spat out, your voice trembling slightly as you pushed yourself up, trying to match his height but failing miserably as you remained seated beneath him. "maybe you are just convenient. a sponge for all the shit i don't want to carry. and what are you going to do about it? cry? break up with me?" you glanced at your phone. three minutes. the digital clock was ticking down. you just needed to survive three more minutes of this suffocating tension, and then you would be safe behind your corporate pleasantries.

"you won't leave." you whispered, reaching for your phone, your fingers just a little too shaky. "you don't have the guts."

jake reached down, his large hand wrapping around your wrist before your fingers could even touch the glass screen. his grip wasn't painful, but it was absolute. a band of iron that completely anchored you in place.

you froze, your breath catching in your throat as you looked up into his eyes. the patient, sweet boy you had been torturing all afternoon was entirely gone. there was something dark, calculated, and deeply furious swimming in his gaze.

"you're right." jake murmured, his thumb rubbing almost soothingly against your racing pulse point, though his face remained a mask of pure ice. "i'm not going to leave. you want to see what i'm going to do about it though?"

your phone buzzed again in his palm. two minutes until the call. you wanted to pull away, every instinct in your body suddenly screaming at you to yank your wrist back, to stand up, to put space between yourself and the cold shadow he was casting over you. but your arm wouldn't move. his grip was a terrifying paradox — so quiet, so steady, but so absolute.

his eyes didn't look like jake's eyes anymore. the soft, accommodating warmth you had spent months taking for granted had completely burned away, leaving behind a predatory stillness that made your breath catch painfully in your throat.

"jake." you whispered, and for the first time all afternoon, the venom was gone from your voice. it was replaced by a small, trembling uncertainty. "let go of me. the call is in sixty seconds."

he didn't answer. instead, he used his free hand to casually slide your phone out from under your fingers. he looked down at the screen as it flipped to 4:59 pm.

"sixty seconds." he repeated, his voice dangerously low, almost conversational. he looked back up at you, his thumb dragging slowly across your skin, pressing just hard enough to feel your heart hammering like a trapped bird. "that means michelle is about to ring. and you're going to answer it just like the perfect, professional little worker you always are."

he leaned down, his face stopping just inches from yours. the scent of his cologne, usually so comforting, felt suffocating now. it smelled like a trap. you realized, with a sickening jolt of panic, what you had done. you had pushed him until he broke, but he hadn't broken the way you wanted him to. he hadn't shrunk. he had just waited until you were completely vulnerable, trapped by your own corporate cage, to show you exactly how much power he had been holding back.

"you love using me as a graveyard for your bad days." jake murmured, his breath hot against your lips, though his expression remained a mask of unfeeling ice. "you love knowing i'll just stand here and take whatever you give me because you think i'm too weak to do anything else. well, you're right. i'm going to take exactly what you give me today. all of it."

before you could even process the words, his hand moved from your wrist to your hip, his fingers digging into your skin through your clothes. with one effortless tilt of his body, he pinned your legs down against the couch, his weight completely trapping you beneath him. you let out a muffled gasp, your hands flying up to push against his chest, but it was like trying to move a brick wall. he didn't even budge.

"jake, stop, please. i can't-"

"shhh." he whispered, his hand sliding up to grip your chin, forcing you to look directly into his furious eyes. "don't ruin your reputation. you've worked so hard for this sync, haven't you?" with his other hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his own phone, setting it on the coffee table next to yours. the digital clock clicked over. 5:00 pm.

right on cue, your phone began to vibrate violently against the leather cushion next to your head. michelle (manager) was calling.

jake smiled, a tiny, humorless curve of his lips that sent a violent shiver down your spine. his hand left your chin, sliding slowly down your neck, over your collarbone, and down to the waistband of your pants. his fingers mapped your body with a rough familiarity that felt entirely distinct from the gentle boyfriend he always was. he picked up the phone, swiped the green bar, and held the screen right above your face.

"answer it, dummy." he commanded in a ghost of a whisper, his hand already slipping beneath the fabric of your clothes, his cold fingers making direct contact with your bare skin.

michelle’s voice broke the silence, tinny and demanding through the speaker grill. "hey, glad i caught you. do you have the spreadsheet open? i need the final approval on the regional margins before the 5:30 briefing."

jake’s thumb pressed the green icon, his eyes locked onto yours, a bottomless weight pinning you down. he didn't even blink. "say hello, y/n." he breathed, his voice a ghost against your ear, so close his eyelashes brushed your temple.

you swallowed down the dry lump of panic in your throat. "hi, michelle. yeah, i’m... i’m here. i-i have it open." your voice shook, just a fraction, as jake’s lips curved into that same cold little smile.

he didn't waste time. his hand slid all the way up your thigh, bunching the fabric of your pants, his knuckles dragging against your sensitive skin until he found the edge of your underwear. you tried to close your legs, a desperate twitch, but his thigh was wedged firmly between yours, keeping you pried open, completely exposed to him beneath his heavy frame.

"good." michelle said, oblivious. "let’s look at cell g14. the variance looks off."

jake hooked two fingers into the lace, pulling it aside with a slow drag. his fingers were cool against the humiliating heat blooming between your thighs. you slicked against his touch immediately, a betrayal your body committed before your mind could even process the depth of the trap you were in. he let out a mocking hum in his throat, a vibration you felt directly against your chest.

"is that... g14?" you gasped, the word clipping at the end as his index finger made direct contact with your clit, circling it with a brutal, deliberate pressure. you instantly arched off the couch, your hands clutching at his shoulders, your nails digging through his shirt.

"yeah, g14." michelle repeated, a slight pause on the line. "are you okay? you sound a bit strained."

jake leaned down, his mouth pressing against the sensitive column of your neck, his teeth grazing your pulse point. "tell her you're fine." he whispered, his voice so quiet it didn't register on the mic, but it vibrated through your entire skull. "tell her how focused you are."

he started to move his finger in earnest, a rhythmic friction that made your vision blur. he knew exactly what pace turned you inside out. he had spent months learning your body like a devout student, and now he was using that knowledge to completely dismantle you. his thumb pressed down hard while his other fingers slipped inside you, shallow and teasing, stretching you just enough to make you whine into the empty air of the room.

"i'm- i'm fine." you squeezed out, your eyes shut tight, tears of sheer overstimulation leaking from the corners. "just... a headache. the variance in g14... i-it's because of the system adjustments from the last billing cycle."

"oh, right, the billing cycle rollover." michelle said.

jake’s fingers sped up, a sharp friction that drove you straight toward a cliff. the pleasure was thick and immediate, building so fast it made your hips roll helplessly against his hand, begging for the release that was suddenly screaming through your veins. you were so close already, your breath hitching, your chest heaving against his, your throat tightening around a scream that would ruin everything.

but then he stopped.

he pulled his fingers out, leaving you completely empty, his thumb resting perfectly still against your swollen center, denying you the friction you were desperate for. you let out a broken sob, your eyes flying open to look at him. he was staring down at you, his expression still an unbothered sheet of ice, completely untouched by the heat burning you alive.

"jake." you mouthed, a silent plea, your hips twitching against his hand, trying to force him to move.

"keep talking." he murmured against your lips, his hot breath teasing your mouth but never actually kissing you. "explain the rest of the spreadsheet to michelle."

he began to touch you again, but it was slow. agonizingly slow. a single, teasing stroke upward, then nothing for three long seconds. just enough to keep you hovering right on the edge of a violent orgasm, your body trembling, entirely suspended by his will.

"and... the next line…" you choked out, your hand flying up to cover your own mouth, your knuckles digging into your lips to keep the whimpers inside as he gave you another sharp stroke that nearly shattered your focus entirely. "the column... column h..."

“shhh." he whispered, his breath a warm contrast to the ice in his eyes. "don't lose your focus. tell her about column h."

"the column h..." you squeezed out, the words trembling so hard they barely made sense, your fingers clutching at his shirt like a drowning person. "we need to... we have to adjust it... manually."

right as your body prepared to shatter again, right as the orgasm rushed up to claim you, jake pulled his fingers out. he stopped completely, leaving his thumb resting immovably against your throbbing center once more. he denied you the friction, cutting off the release at the exact second you needed it most.

another sob escaped your throat, muffled only because you bit your own lip until it tasted like copper. your eyes flew open, staring at him in wild pleading. your hips twitched against his hand, trying to force his fingers to move again, trying to steal even a fraction of the friction he was withholding.

jake just stared down at you, his face a smooth mask of pure control. 

"did you think it was that easy?" he whispered, his voice a low crawl that filled your entire head. "you wanted me to stay in the mud with you. so stay here, take it."

"manual adjustment?" michelle’s voice buzzed through the speaker, sharper this time, carrying the distinct irritation of a manager losing her patience. "if we adjust column h manually, it completely fractures the year end projections down in row 40. pull up row 40 right now and tell me what the new aggregate is."

jake’s dark eyes caught the light of the phone screen, flashing with a sick glint. row 40. more math, more focus. he shifted his weight, his knee sliding forcefully between your thighs, prying them apart until your hips were completely exposed and vulnerable beneath him. you tried to squeeze your legs shut, a desperate instinct to protect yourself from the sheer scale of his control, but you couldn’t move him.

"you heard her." jake whispered. he moved his free hand up to grip your jaw, his long fingers wrapping around the lower half of your face. his thumb pressed hard into your cheekbone, forcing your head to stay perfectly still, forcing your eyes to look directly at the phone screen he was holding up. "do the math, baby. show her how smart you are."

but before your blurred vision could even attempt to focus on the tiny numbers, jake acted. he didn't go back to the teasing circles on your clit. instead, he shifted his hand downward and drove two thick fingers deep inside you all at once. there was no slow stretch, no gentle preparation. just a blunt, heavy, upward thrust that completely filled you, hitting a deep spot inside your core that sent a violent shockwave straight to your brain.

your spine arched so hard your lower back left the sofa entirely. a ragged scream tore its way up your throat — the kind of sound that would have instantly gotten you fired — but jake was ready for it. his grip on your jaw instantly clamped down over your mouth, his palm sealing the sound back into your throat. the scream died as a muffled, vibrating hum against his skin.

you thrashed beneath him, your fingernails clawing frantically at the heavy muscles of his forearm, but he didn't even flinch. he just pushed his fingers deeper, curling them upward in a relentless rhythm that made your eyes roll back.

"are you looking at it?" michelle demanded, oblivious to the fact that you were currently suffocating on your own ruined climax in your living room. "i need the aggregate number."

jake slowly lowered his hand from your mouth, keeping his fingers hovering just a millimeter above your lips. "talk." he commanded, his voice a freezing law in the chaotic heat of the room. his fingers inside you pumped again, a brutal friction that made your stomach muscles spasm. "read the number, or i'll push a third finger in and rip you apart while she listens."

you were weeping now, silent tears streaming down into your hairline. your professional dignity was completely shattered, grounded into the leather beneath his weight. you were nothing but a trembling nerve. you looked at the screen, your vision swimming, forcing the numbers to solidify.

"it's..." you gasped, your chest heaving violently, trying to suck in enough air to form a sentence while jake’s fingers relentlessly pounded into your slick core. "the new... the new aggregate..."

"dumb bitch." jake murmured against your temple, his teeth grazing your earlobe. he twisted his fingers inside you, stretching the sensitive walls, making you whine pathetically into the air. "go slower."

"the... new aggregate is... four point two million." you sobbed out, the corporate jargon tasting like ash in your mouth. "four point two. i-it balances the... the deficit."

"there." michelle sighed, the sound of her typing echoing through the phone. "that wasn't so hard, was it? i'll plug that in. let's move on to the next slide."

jake smiled, a terrifying curvature of his mouth that held zero warmth. "you're doing so well." he whispered, entirely ignoring the tears tracking down your face. “who’s the pathetic one now, mmh?”

he suddenly withdrew his fingers from inside you once more, the sudden loss of pressure making you whimper and reach for him blindly. but he didn't stop there. he moved his wet fingers back up to your throbbing clit, pinching it firmly between his thumb and forefinger. you let out a strangled gasp, your whole body locking up in blinding overstimulation.

"i'm not sitting back anymore, see?" jake breathed, his voice dropping into a register so dark it made your blood run cold. he began to rub the sensitive bundle of nerves with an unforgiving speed.

your hips convulsed, snapping up off the leather cushions as a broken whine tore out of your throat. the friction was too much, too sharp, too fast. it felt like he was dragging a live wire directly over your nerves, pushing you into an agonizing overstimulation that made black spots dance in your vision. you tried to push him away, your hands weakly batting at his broad shoulders, but your muscles felt like melted wax.

"slide five." michelle announced, the rustle of papers filtering through the tiny speaker. "the client retention figures. looking at the graph, we have a slight dip in august. what’s the reasoning there?"

jake stopped the brutal rubbing instantly. you crashed back down into the couch, gasping for air, your whole body trembling on the absolute precipice of a climax he simply refused to let you have. the sudden absence of his hand made you let out a pathetic noise, your thighs twitching involuntarily.

"jake, please." you mouthed, a string of humiliating begging.

but he didn't answer. instead, he shifted his weight, moving the phone from his hand to yours. he wrapped your shaking fingers around the sleek device, forcing you to hold it right next to your own face. "don't drop it." he whispered, his eyes completely hollow, stripped of every ounce of the sweet boy you had taken for granted. "and don't mute her."

before you could even process the threat, jake’s hands went to the waistband of your pants. in one seamless motion, he dragged them down past your hips, taking your underwear with them, leaving them tangled around your knees. you were entirely exposed, splayed open under the harsh living room lights, completely at his mercy.

he didn't hesitate. he lowered his head between your thighs, his hands gripping your hips with bruising force to anchor you in place.

"i'm waiting on that retention explanation." michelle prompted, a trace of annoyance clipping her words.

"august..." you stammered into the phone, your eyes wide with sheer terror as you felt jake’s hot breath ghost over your dripping core. "the dip in... in august..."

jake’s mouth clamped down on you. it wasn't gentle. it wasn't the soft, worshipful oral he usually gave you when he was trying to make you feel loved. it was an attack. his tongue lashed out, flat and rough, dragging up the entire length of your slit before he zeroed in on your overstimulated clit. he sucked it directly into his mouth, pulling hard, creating a devastating vacuum that made your spine bow off the couch like a drawn bowstring.

"fuck." you squeaked, instantly slamming your free hand over your mouth. tears spilled hot and fast down your cheeks. the sensation was explosive, a sensory overload that was actively melting your brain. he was swirling his tongue around the tightest, most sensitive point, varying the pressure with a sick precision, knowing exactly how to keep you completely paralyzed by pleasure.

"excuse me?" michelle asked sharply.

"f-fluctuations!" you practically screamed through your fingers, your entire body shaking violently as jake’s tongue flicked at a relentless speed. "seasonal fluctuations! our clients... they restructure in late summer!"

jake let out a muffled hum of approval against your wet skin. his hands slid under your thighs, lifting your hips higher off the couch, angling you perfectly so he could consume every single drop of your humiliating lack of control. he pushed two fingers back inside you, stretching you open while his mouth continued its brutal assault on your clit, completely overloading your nervous system.

you were drowning. the climax was right there, a tidal wave of pressure building in your lower stomach, so heavy and absolute that your toes curled and your jaw locked shut. you were going to break. you were going to shatter right into the phone, ruining your career, ruining everything, all because you had pushed a patient man over the edge.

"right, the seasonal restructure." michelle mused. "that makes sense. so how do we pitch the recovery in september?"

the second she asked the question, the exact second your body began to clench in the first blinding spasm of your orgasm, jake stopped.

he pulled his mouth back, slipping his fingers out in the same agonizingly sudden motion. the cold air hit your soaking wet skin like a slap. the orgasm, which had been a millisecond away from crashing through you, stalled violently in your veins, leaving you suspended in a state of sheer physical agony. your body was screaming for release, every muscle locked tight, but the catalyst was just... gone.

you let out a devastated sob, dropping your hand from your mouth to claw at the cushions. you looked down at him through blurry, tear filled eyes.

jake was resting his chin on your inner thigh. his lips were shiny with your slick, his dark hair messy, but his eyes were still that same terrifying ice. he gently blew a stream of cool air over your throbbing center, making you jerk and whine like a beaten dog at the empty sensation.

"tell her about september." he commanded, his voice a low crawl that echoed in the quiet space between your spread legs. he brought his face an inch from your core, just close enough that you could feel the heat radiating from his mouth, but he refused to touch you. "pitch the recovery to her, baby. maybe, if you don't stutter, i'll let you finish."

michelle’s voice cut through the silence again, an impatient tap against your ear. "are you there? i need the strategy for the september recovery so i can log it before the briefing."

you squeezed your eyes shut, your hand trembling so violently the phone knocked against your cheek. your body was completely unstrung, vibrating with the sudden lack of touch, a hollow ache throbbing right where he had left you stranded on the absolute peak of breaking.

jake didn't move. he just rested his chin against your damp skin, watching the panic map itself across your face with a mocking patience.

"in... september..." you whispered into the mic, your voice cracking, a ragged sound you barely managed to control. you forced yourself to swallow the knot of tears in your throat, staring at the ceiling as your knees trembled against his shoulders. "we're... we're targeting the h-high value accounts... to offset the dip."

"good. give me the specific metrics." michelle said, the sound of her keyboard clicking away like a countdown.

jake leaned up slowly, sliding his heavy frame back over yours until his chest pinned you flat against the leather cushions again. he didn't touch you where you wanted it. instead, his long fingers wrapped around your jaw, his grip firm, forcing your face up so you had no choice but to look at the freezing depth of his eyes.

"tell her the metrics." he murmured against your lips, his voice a quiet crawl that made your skin prickle. "show her how composed you are. you had so much to say ten minutes ago, didn't you? you had so many cruel little words mapped out for me."

you whimpered, a helpless sound that you barely managed to keep away from the microphone by pressing your hand over the mouthpiece for a fraction of a second.

"what was it you called me?" jake asked, his dark eyes boring into yours, completely stripped of the soft look you had spent months exploiting. "you said i had no dignity." he shifted his free hand down, his fingers trailing slowly over your ribcage, pressing hard enough into your skin to leave a dull ache. he brushed the very edge of your dripping center, just a ghost of a touch, a tease that made your entire lower body convulse desperately toward his hand. but he still kept the pressure entirely away.

"look at you now." he whispered, a cruel vibration against your jaw. "trapped under me, weeping into a corporate phone because your pathetic boyfriend won't fuck you properly. who's the one without dignity now, mmh?"

"jake, please." you mouthed, the tears finally spilling fast over your temples, your fingernails knotting into the fabric of his shirt as michelle's voice came through the speaker again, demanding the specific percentage growth for the quarter.

"you look so fucking stupid right now." he commanded, his thumb dragging across your lower lip, pressing hard against your teeth to anchor you. "answer her."

"t-the specific growth..." you forced the words out, your voice vibrating with a brittle tension that threatened to snap completely. your fingers clutched at the cotton of his shirt, desperately seeking any anchor as your lower body continued to tremble beneath his weight. "we're... we're projecting a twelve percent increase in retention by the end of the month, michelle. it's based on the... the adjusted outreach protocol."

"twelve percent?" michelle’s keys clattered loudly over the line, a rhythmic background noise to the absolute chaos in your chest. "that’s aggressive, but if the high value accounts lock in, it’s doable. make sure that's reflected on slide six before the 5:30 call."

jake didn't break his stare. his thumb remained pinned against your lower lip, heavy and grounding, forcing you to feel every single ragged breath you took. the anger in his eyes hadn't faded, but it had solidified into something structural, an immovable boundary that you had spent months trying to find. and now that you had finally hit it, you were completely terrified.

"i will... i-i'll update it now." you squeezed out, the professional phrase sounding completely absurd while you lay pinned to the sofa, your legs still uncomfortably tangled in your clothes.

"perfect. see you in the briefing." michelle said, and the line finally went dead with a flat beep.

the silence that followed was heavy, filling the room until the only sound left was your own uneven breathing. the digital clock on the phone screen read 5:23 pm. seven minutes until the regional sync.

jake slowly took the phone from your hand, tossing it onto the coffee table without looking. he didn't pull away immediately. he stayed right there, his chest rising and falling against yours, maintaining the crushing pressure that kept you fully glued to the leather cushions. his fingers relaxed on your jaw, sliding down to trace the wet trail of tears that had dried against your cheek.

"seven minutes." he murmured, his voice dropping the harsh, mocking edge from before, returning to that level tone from the kitchen — only now, the warmth was completely gone from it. "you have exactly seven minutes to get your shit together, fix your clothes, and log onto that meeting."

you stared up at him, your chest aching, the heavy coil of unreleased tension still a throbbing weight in your pelvis. you wanted him to say something else, to yell, to touch you, to give you some kind of reaction that made sense of the mess you had spent the last hour creating.

"jake. p-please, i’m so sorry." you whispered, your voice small, the defensive malice you had carried into the kitchen completely evaporated.

he looked at you for a long moment, then slowly pushed himself off the couch. the sudden absence of his weight left you feeling cold, exposed, and entirely empty. he didn't look back as he walked across the living room, his movements calm and deliberate as he reached the kitchen island, picked up his laptop, and opened the screen back up.

"fix your spreadsheet." he said quietly, his eyes already fixed on his work. "don't keep michelle waiting."

The second time you encountered Jake, you were chatting with Heeseung and Sunoo. You were so immersed in the story Sunoo was telling, that when you looked up and saw Jake walking towards you with an innocent smile, you wanted to kick him. Why? No reason, just you held a grudge against his type.

Man, and party people.

In the small span of time you stayed in the conversation, Jake was introduced to you by the only two guys that you considered deserving of your time. Jake was friends with Sunoo, they shared a class the first semester, and he also was Heeseung’s roommate.

Sunoo continued with his story, but everything about Jake irked you. You rolled your eyes when he moved his hair to the side, and bit his lip looking at you. Which was your cue to leave as politely as you could.

You thought that would be the last time you’d see him willingly, but when Jake Sim, out of nowhere, had texted you asking for help with a literature essay.

You ignored him for a day, until Heeseung texted you. Asking for you to “please help Jake because he can’t write shit for his life.” and you accepted. You felt nice, but a bit masochistic, and curious for the guy.

“I really don’t think it’s that deep.” You tried to tell Gaeul, while she just chuckled. “What?”

“Maybe he has a thing for you.” She raised her eyebrows. “He could ask everyone else.”

“I highly doubt it.” You try to cut the conversation short.

“But you said he was cute!” Gaeul linked your arm with hers, and reminded you of the words you stated early that morning when you told her. “Maybe it’s a chance for you to stop hating… man”

“No, I really doubt it.” you chuckled. “And I don’t hate all of them. I am friends with Heeseung and Sunoo”

“Whatever, just I have never seen you say a guy is cute, Y/N” She smiled, she meant no harm but you realized that was true. You were feeling-less towards cute guys, who you have only encountered three times since you came to college. “Maybe it is like the book you gave me the other day.”

You blatantly laughed. But, deeply, you wondered if that could happen. Just, not with Jake, but with someone else, someone your type.

You both walked together to Gaeul’s next class. She gave you a thumbs up before entering her classroom. She had no bad intentions, just really had hope in you… and Jake.

Jake in fact was cute, but you had a picture of those guys he hung out with, and how apparently also was, and you didn’t like that one bit. They were the type of guys people write books about, which you really enjoyed, but you couldn’t stand a man in real life being like that. Probably you were making a prejudice, but you were quite assertive with reading people.

jake: hey jake: we still for today, right?

y/n: yeah, at 4.

At exactly four you arrived at the cafe, a public space. Yes, he was friends with your friends, but you weren’t going to meet with a guy that you had basically spoken to twice in a secluded place.

You looked around the coffee and in a booth at the back Jake was sitting with his laptop popped open and with two cups on the table. You frowned, had he had a date before? He couldn’t even throw the trash before you got there? You sighed and walked towards him.

Men. You were going to try your best to be kind to people that day.

“Hi. I’m Y/N” you tried to sound kind, and you succeeded, kind of, but softening your voice didn’t soften your facial expression or attitude, so you had to be aware of not being too mean. He smiled, unaware of your internal conflicts and stood up from the seat.

“I know” He chuckled and extended his hand. “I’m Jake.”

You looked at it, expressionless and shook it firmly. At least the guy was polite. But you remembered how he was at the party when you saw him, and it almost made you roll your eyes, but you contained it with a strained smile.

“This one’s for you. It’s tea, I don’t know if you like it.” He offered pushing the cup as you sat in front of him.

“Thanks, I do like it.” You said, surprised. You felt a bit bad for judging him, because the Tea was warm and it had your name written on it. He had actually ordered it for you. But well, he had a reputation, you couldn’t be blamed.

“How much do I owe you?” You wondered, sipping the warm tea and feeling it warm your throat and your tummy.

“Nothing. It’s on me.”

“Oh, thank you.” You smiled, actually smiled. He was nice, you had to give him that. “Do you have your essay on your laptop or a physical copy?”

“On my laptop. I’ll send it to you to your uni mail” He looked up, and you noticed he was wearing glasses. You had never seen him with glasses, well, you had only seen him twice, but he did look good in them.

He was typing and a few seconds after you set your laptop up, the link to the document was sent to your email. As you clicked on it, the document loaded and you read through the essay, which was at least four paragraphs, and it had… potential. It was about Wuthering Heights and how romance was portrayed. Too wide, but interesting. It was a curious topic coming from him, so you wondered if he chose it or it was given to him.

The arguments had the possibility of being solid if they were explained right. It really could turn into something great, but he was so confused, he had written the thesis at the beginning of the essay, the arguments were in the first paragraph of what seemed like the introduction and he was adding new ideas to the essay in the supposed conclusion.

“Okay, can you see me on the document?” you typed a small “hi” in the document.

“I can’t.” He squinted his eyes at the screen. “Can I sit next to you?”

You looked at him deadpan and looked back at your laptop. You saw his cursor in the document, that meant he did see yours too. You sighed.

A man is known by the company he keeps, so you read through him and his YA book tactics.

“I see your cursor, Jake.” You didn’t even look at him as you spoke to him. You just started to type the structure he should follow.

“Oh, yeah, you’re here.” His expression fell and looked at his keyboard, typing under your small greeting a “hi!”

“This is for what literature class?” You asked.

“It’s about classics, I guess.” You looked at him, with a straight face again. You were losing your patience. You sipped tea and breathed in and out without drawing attention to how you were feeling. “Sorry, it’s not my strength. I’m more of a physics guy.”

“You do? I wouldn’t have guessed.” You admitted honestly. He looked like a guy that just partied, drank, hooked up and had nothing in his life, you didn’t assign any major to him in your mind, but it made sense. Weirdly. “I don’t mean it in a bad way.” You excused yourself.

“I get it, don’t worry. I usually don’t tell people my major.” He confessed.

“Why?” you asked curious, and a bit wary of him. So he just went around and nobody asked why he was in college? Or he just let people believe he didn’t have any major and was just existing? You kept typing the structure, based on his arguments, while he was confessing something. Were you being mean?

“Don’t know. Judgement maybe?” he confessed and made a face like he was feeling sorry for himself.

You knew that face. You saw it on your tv a few days ago in a movie you watched with Rei.

You again saw through him, or maybe you were too skeptical of people and freaking out a bit, but Jake was… great playing his game. You couldn’t deny it. He was handsome, and easy to crush on. But enough pop culture had made you catch on those things, those small glimpses where guys would try to make someone look special, just that you have never had to experience it on your own. Until now.

You nodded, giving him approval of his feelings if they were honest, so you didn’t seem rude in case you read him wrong, but you changed topic.

“Your essay is not bad, really. It’s all over the place, though.” You started to select the elements he had written and drag them to where they belonged. “It’s just your thesis, shouldn’t be the first thing someone reads. You need the introduction first, your thesis goes after that.” You selected it and moved it to under the section you had given to introduction, placing it after a small blurb Jake wrote of the novel. “The arguments you are going to develop should be after the thesis, okay?”

He nodded, focused on his laptop.

“I’m sorry.” he apologized.

“Don’t be. It’s okay.” You skimmed again through the arguments. “Look, the first argument actually seems to depend on the first one, so the order is wrong. And you need the main argument, which is missing here.”

You watched the document that was now organized, but a lot of the parts were still incomplete. You chose a pink text color and wrote under each paragraph what he needed to write. You did your best, but the essay seemed too wide for the class.

“Okay, that’s all for the introduction for now. You need to focus on adding things so it makes sense, but Jake… I still don’t get your essay. I know it’s about Wuthering Heights but… what is specific about the topic of love?

“How?” he asked, genuinely confused. “It says it's about Heathcliff and Catherine’s love.”

“I know, but what exactly about?” He looked dumbfounded and you chuckled at his expression. His mouth was a bit open and his eyebrows frowned together. “Jake, did you read the book?”

“A summary counts?”

You breathe and try to not judge him outloud, but do people still do that for classes? Especially for essays, and books dense as Wuthering Heights. Again, he was a party guy, you didn’t want to place him in the stereotype though, but gosh was he not helping.

“I started it, I read the first two pages!” He defended himself as he felt your gaze and probably the irritation coming out of you. “But then there was a party, and I had another and-”

You were wrong. You could judge him more if you wanted. You breathe in and remember he is Heeseung’s friend and Sunoo’s too, apparently. You couldn’t flip him off. But if he wanted your help you would have to know how to deal with him.

“Look. Read it, okay? You, your brain, not AI or a cheap summary” He looked at you like you just kicked a puppy, he had his eyes open, his mouth in a straight line and nodded. You felt a tad bit guilty, but you were not going to waste your time. “I have a physical copy, if you need it.” You offered, knowing he’d reject it.

“Yes!” he smiled brightly. “I’lll take care of it so much.”

Shit.

You looked at your phone and it was about to be five and you needed to cross almost half of the campus for a class.

“I have to go now. If you are at seven outside the dorms, the ones next to the donut shop on campus, I can hand it to you.”

“Will be! Thank you!”

Once you almost ran out of the coffee shop, Jake stood there, frozen and rejected. The booth line didn’t work, the small things of sharing about his major didn’t work, which it was true. Most people didn’t even know what he studied, he didn't fit the stereotype of a physics guy, but he didn’t care. He liked his major, and his life. But you didn't, not only his life, but him.

He really needed Sunoo, you were not even a bit flustered, almost as if you expected nothing of him. Sunoo would be nice enough to tell Jake the things as crude as they were, so if you had ever told Sunoo you hated him, Sunoo wouldn't waste Jake’s time with sugarcoatting things.

After a small call, Sunoo told him to fuck off, that he was busy studying. Jake offered to buy him a coffee and in a few minutes he sat in front of him with an iced coffee.

“Why did you talk to her? Do you want to hook up with her?” Sunoo asked. Jake shook his head. “Don’t lie, Jaeyun.”

“Don’t… I mean, she is cute and I wouldn’t be opposed, but I really need help with my essay. She basically said it was garbage but with very kind words. And Heeseung told me it was her expertise, so I just contacted her.”

“Look, I believe you-” Sunoo started. Jake interrupted with a small thank you, and Sunoo glared at him. “Only seventy percent.”

“You don’t trust me-”

“I don’t.” Sunoo confirmed.

“But I really need to get a good grade in this essay, and now I need to read like four hundred pages of a romance novel!” Jake laid back on the booth. “Why did I take that class?”

“I don’t know.” Sunoo chuckled and bit his muffin. “But maybe that book helps you keep your things in your pants and not jump everywhere. And get your shit together, too.”

“Hey!” Jake frowned.

“Now, I really need to continue studying.” Sunoo stood up, ignoring Jake. “Good luck with Y/N. You play with her I kick you and all those warnings people give to the guy that hooks up with their sisters.”

“She’s not your sister.” Jake pointed.

“I won’t turn down an opportunity to threaten you.”

After your class, you walked calmly to your dorm building. Rei let you know that she was already home, and you were so happy the heater would probably be on, she loved to have the room warm, and so did you. That was why you both worked as roommates. That, and that you became friends quickly.

You looked at the time, six and forty-five, you didn’t expect for Jake to actually pick up the book you said you’d lend him, and you didn’t even expect for him to continue asking for help on his essay. So you did take your sweet time. Probably that would have been the last time you’d see Jake Sim in your life, and deep down you hoped so. If he was lazy with his classes, and couldn’t keep his act together, you didn’t want him near.

“Hey!” you greeted as you walked into the dorm. “How was your day?” You took your shoes off and placed them next to Rei’s boots.

“Great, I guess. I had that exam about the cardiac system, and it was hell, but then I ate a donut so I’m happy.” she told you getting comfortable in her bed. She had her covers up to her chin and was scrolling through her phone. “I am so tired, Y/N.”

“You should sleep, I will take a shower. I can make us buldak later if you want.” She nodded and gave attention to her phone again.

After you got dressed in your pajamas, and were boiling the water, your phone rang. You picked it up quickly, nobody called you, especially not the contact that appeared on your screen. Jake.

“Hello?” you asked, confused.

“Hey, sorry it took me some minutes. I'm outside your dorm building.”

You hung up and jumped on top of Rei’s bed, she complained but you shushed her when you looked through the window to the entrance of the dorm. And there Jake was, standing outside.

“Oh my god, why is he here?” She whispered as if he could hear both of you.

“I offered him a book, but I didn’t think he’d actually accept and now I have to give it to him.” You looked quickly in your bookshelf for your version of Wuthering Heights. “Why am I rushing?” You stopped and looked at Rei. She shrugged, still confused about the whole scene. “He was late, so I’ll take my time.”

You took your time wearing your shoes and your coat, and when you walked downstairs, you almost took a second per step. You didn’t want to sweat after you had already showered, not for a boy and not in your cute pajamas. When you opened the door there he was. Holding two coffees in his hands, which you didn’t see from the window. Did he really grab a coffee for a date before picking up the book? Men are so weird.

“Hi, here it is.” you handed him the book. He had his hands occupied, so he extended one coffee to you.

“I brought this for you. I asked Heeseung and he said you liked the iced one.” You stared at it confused. So it wasn’t for a date, it was for you. You grabbed it carefully, shocked, but it was your favorite and you had been craving one the whole day. “Sorry for the delay.”

“I… thanks for the coffee.” You thanked him surprised. It was the second time on the day that Jake bought a beverage for you. “How much do I owe you?”

“It’s a gift, don’t worry.” He grabbed the book from your hand and smiled. “I’ll take care of it, I promise.”

“You better.” You tried not to smile but the coffee was thoughtful.

“Can I text you again when I finish the introduction?” He asked, nervous. You would love to turn him down but after the coffee you couldn’t say no. You nodded slowly. “Great.”

You both stood there in silence for a few seconds, until you broke it, excusing yourself.

“Have a good night, Jake.”

You came back to your dorm and Rei was smiling, you shared a bit of your coffee with her while you ate. And you tried not to think about why the gesture moved you so much. Probably it was just the lack of romance you had had in college, so it wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t have been.

The next day you woke up with a voice note from him.

“Hey, I started it, it was confusing the narrator. Because it was this guy and then the lady that took care of Catherine or something, right? Anyway, it’s like three so I should sleep. By the way, I like your annotations, they are very… I will find the word. Have a good night!”

After you heard it, you just answered with a small text.

y/n: yes, narration is complicated, but you get the hold of it as you read.

You thought it was just a thing that he’d do once, but every day you’d receive those voice notes, and every time you’d answer with a sentence. You didn’t have much to say about his thoughts, but he was understanding and analyzing the book in a way you didn’t think he was capable of. In a few days since knowing him, he apparently was proving you wrong.

“I don’t know if he went.” Yujin said, as she just arrived after a party and sat at the end of your bed . “I didn’t see him and he always goes to these frat parties.”

“Not that I care.” You deflected, looking at your phone, scrolling absentmindedly. You had asked if Jake had been there, so Yujin lifted her eyebrow and looked at you with a smirk. “Not like that. I do care but as… one cares for gossip.” You excused yourself.

She laughed and continued eating her burger. Wonyoung walked in and sat at Rei’s bed. Even if it was one in the morning. They had decided they were hungry and wanted to chat with you.

“I think you’d make a cute couple.” Wonyoung said drinking from her soda.

“I feel weary about him. ” You confessed, honest about your feelings for the first time.

“How so?” Wonyoung looked at you, interested, as she always was. She always made you feel seen and you smiled at her.

“I don’t know, he is all, let’s fuck, and I’m all, not that. He has been nice and he is cute, but–“ You pretended to push something in front of you, to make your point clear: “The further a guy is from me, the better.”

Rei chuckled.

“But you don’t want to like him.” Wonyoung finished.

“Exactly. Besides, it's been like a week we have been talking about an essay, not about us as people, so I don’t think it’d lead anywhere.”

“Just… keep that attitude, you know? Keep him at a distance and if you ever want to take a step and he gives you any hint, you do it.” Yujin said. “We support you, and I’ll keep an eye on him when I go to parties.”

“Thank you.” you smiled. “I appreciate it.”

“Of course.” Wonyoung smiled at you, adding: “Besides, you are too beautiful for him. Remember that”

You all laughed.

Jake did know that. He knew you were too pretty for him, or for everyone, but he did try his best to gain your attention. Sunoo warned him that you were weary about people, so Jake had to win you over. Heeseung had been kind enough to give him your number after Jake whined to him that he needed help and Heeseung mentioned your name. Jake was set on making a place for him in your mind. The texts maybe didn’t work, your replies were very dry, sometimes one word, one sentence was the most he could get out of you.

After walking home from another party, he pulled up his phone. Not a soul was on campus, and he was tipsy, just tried to hook up with some random girl but couldn’t get his mind to be in the moment. It didn’t feel right. He ran his hand through his face and sighed as he popped open his phone. He had been battling whether to do it or not, but in the end he gave up.

He searched your name on Instagram, maybe that’d tell him something about you, but it was private. Damn it.

You had thirteen followers, the only two in common were Sunoo and Heeseung. You had no picture and your name was just y/n. You were a thought nut to crack, but Jake didn’t want to seem desperate for you, even if he was starting to feel like it.

Jake had to build everything brick by brick, until you met halfway.

He was tempted to go back and find another girl to hook up and get fully drunk, but he remembered he promised you that he’d reach page two hundred by tomorrow, and he wasn’t going to let you down. Even as you answered plainly: fine. With the period and all.

He had a promise to keep with you.

“Hello.” You said sitting in front of him, on the same booth of the first day you started working on his essay. Now one week later. “How have you been with your essay?”

“Great!” He looked at his laptop looking for a note he had left last night for you to help him with, he grabbed the copy of your book that he had in fact been taking care of, and popped it open on one page.. “Can I ask you for help in two scenes? I don’t know how to interpret it, and internet is not very clear”

“Sure.” You sipped your coffee and he handed you the book with the page open. “Which ones?”

“First this one. In chapter nine.” he pointed out. “Why did Heathcliff run away?”

“I think of two reasons. First, Catherine couldn’t marry him because of his status, right?” You asked and Jake nodded. “And second, she is going to marry Linton, but she just confessed that she loves Heathcliff with all her soul. I think he was overwhelmed by everything, not just for the confession, and ran away.”

“Why didn’t he tell her he loved her back?”

“He does, when she’s dying.” You state. Heatcliff did confess how he felt, just that it was at Catherine’s deathbed. “What was the other?”

“Uhm.” He skimmed through the pages. “Here at chapter twenty-three. Why did Catherine didn’t want to get married to Linton?”

You tilt your head.

“Oh, this isn’t Catherine, this is Cathy, her daughter.” You chuckle. “The first time it confused me too.

Jake stood quiet, looking directly at you, focused. He had never heard you chuckle. He drew a small smile. It was a small win that he was going to take.

“Oh, so Linton is not… is the kid of Heathcliff?” He asked. You nodded.

He paused for a beat, and stared at the pages. Confused. You couldn’t blame him, it made you dizzy the first time you read it too.

“This is very dramatic. Why is this a romance novel?” He furrowed his eyebrows.

“Are you really asking or is it just… conversation making?” You wondered, skeptical. He really seemed to have read the book and you didn’t want to give your conclusions to someone that probably would just laugh at you.

“I am genuinely asking.” He assured you.

“I think they made sense. And romance is about that, I think.” You expressed looking out of the window, organizing your thoughts. “Their romance was so ingrained in each other that they couldn’t separate themselves as people, they were the same. Both were the motors that lit the worst and best parts of them, even if the best parts of them were all awful for the reader, they both made sense for each other and for the plot, of course.”

He stayed silent and stared at you for some seconds, blinking and nodding. You frowned and looked down at the table. Shy.

“That was all you had doubts with?” You asked, fidgeting on your tablet. He nodded.

You opened his essay and indeed he had fixed everything you had told him to do. His thesis was neat, and he even had started with the body of the essay and had his arguments laid out, ready to be developed. He had really worked on his thesis, asking you if it was too general, if it was too boring, until he came to one that fit what he wanted: Catherine and Heathcliff’s love defies the common romantic categorization by setting their souls as a mirror of each other.

“How much time do you have left?” You asked.

“One and a half week and I’m free.” He stretched. Showing off his muscles and looking at you. You tapped your finger against the table, impatient for his show to stop. He knew how to play his game, and if you weren’t so guarded of men you would have fallen for it.

“You done?” You said directly and he nodded fast, as if he had been caught. He got back into his normal attitude and pointed at the book.

“Do you like this book? The romance here?” he asked, crossing his hand on the table and drinking from his coffee, looking at you. Paying attention to your answer.

“I think it’s interesting.” You nodded and scanned the arguments. You didn’t look at him back, so you focused on what you had found on the arguments “Here you need to place the statement that they are soulmates after explaining what soulmates are.” He looked at the laptop, following from his screen where you were talking about. “Maybe search for a source that explains it, and you can use the quote of the book to argue that they are soulmates.”

“My word is not enough?” He joked and you shook your head no. “Do you think they were soulmates?”

“I guess?” You shrugged.

“Do you have a soulmate?” he asked out of nowhere. You looked at him trying to decipher if he was serious or just messing with you. You lowered your gaze again to the tablet.

“Do you?” you answered back to his question, not lifting your head from your laptop.

“Can I ask you something that’s not from the essay?” He questions quietly and you hummed. “Why are you so wary around me? Is it because of the-” He got closer and said lower. “Rumors?”

You stared at him again. In disbelief that he was being so straightforward, but also annoyed that you didn’t know how to answer without being too blunt. You laughed at how ridiculous the whole scene seemed.

“Why so many questions, Jake?” You answered back, deflecting.

“You are interesting.” He stated and you scoffed. Oldest trick in the book. “I swear you are.” He assured you, interpreting your scoff as if you didn't believe him.

“I know I am. I don’t believe you believe that.” You talk back.

He stood frozen and you chuckled. You closed your tablet and rubbed your hands together, trying to close the hang out that could have been a simple voice note, but no, Jake insisted on meeting in the café.

“Just develop the body and text me if you need anything.” You say with a tightlip smile and he nods.

“I will.” He looked at you while you were getting up. He smiled. “Thank you.”

You waved your hand once you were almost out of the door, and only then he stopped pretending he hadn’t been fully shocked by how you dodged everything he threw at you.

He knew you were figuring out his game, and it didn’t like him one bit. But you were interesting, and that confidence you had was quite magnetic. But you did not trust him at all, and he couldn’t blame you.

The music inside the house was so loud you could hear it from outside, buzzing and making the walls rumble. You walked in, tired and with a mad Wonyoung trailing behind you. Jiwon had drunk something that someone mixed for her and got sick, and the assholes of friends that had brought her to the party, all left her. So when she called you and Wonyoung crying, you hopped on Wonyoung’s car to pick her up,

“I am going to kill her, she always gets sick and those fuckers, I never liked them one bit.” Wonyoung scanned the house quickly just as you walked through the door. “I’ll go check the bathrooms.” She went upstairs and you walked through the first floor, opened doors, checked the kitchen in hopes to find your friend but nothing. On the same couch where you saw Jake the first time were his friends. One was rich as one can only wish, the tall one you knew was a dance major, and the other that had a quiet look, but you knew, based on the girls he had around him, probably had been with most people at that party. One looked at you and lifted their red cup, saluting you. You glared at them and walked away.

People were in their own world. Some were making out on a couch, some were sat on top of countertops, all with the infamous ugly red cups in their hands. A group was dancing in the middle of the living room, and you had to push a few of them because they were not moving when you asked for permission to pass. Adding to that, and the noise, it smelled awful. Like weed, beer and vomit. All at the same time.

On the patio, on a chair was Jiwon. Staring at the floor with her phone in her hand. You sighed in relief that she wasn’t passed out in some dirty bathroom. You touched her shoulder and grabbed her arm carefully.

“I feel really sick.” she mumbled hugging you by the waist. You stroked her hair and helped her get up. You put her arm around you and started walking with her slowly, so she wouldn’t throw up.

Wonyoung met both of you as you took slow steps inside the house. When you walked past the door that had led to the patio, you sneezed. The smell was really disgusting and the weed seemed to smell stronger than a few minutes before.

“God, I wish I had looked here first, the bathroom was disgusting.” She shivered and helped you carry Jiwon. “The parties are usually not this disgusting.”

You kept helping Jiwon, until you were met face to face with Jake who was laughing loudly, until he saw you. The tall guy that tipped his cup at you had his arm around Jake, still joking, without noticing that Jake had gotten quiet. Jake stood frozen at seeing you there. It was one of the last places he would expect you to be in. You just ignored him, mumbled a small “excuse me” and moved past him. You didn't know why you ignored him, but seeing him in his element felt different, odd.

He saw you walk out with your friends. He now knew those girls were your friends. He had seen them around once or twice but never talked with them. It was a small glimpse into your world. As he saw you walk with your sick friend out of the house he followed you with his eyes as much as he could without drawing any attention.

“That’s the chick, right?” Ni-ki asked Jake, pushing his shoulder for attention. “I saw her, and she looked cuter in person.”

Jake glared at him. Ni-ki raised his hands.

“You know she’s all yours.” The guy mumbled and walked toward the rest of the group.

Jake did know that. And part of him was wondering if he was doing the right thing by still asking for your help and taking your time. He sighed and grabbed the first cup he saw on a table, chugging all the liquid without knowing what it was in hopes of getting drunk.

It was water. He groaned and crumbled the cup.

After the drive, Wonyoung helped Jiwon into bed. Bringing her through the stairs was easier than you thought, Jiwon was intoxicated but very helpful and committed to get to her bed.

“Put on your pajamas and sleep.” Jiwon fell on her bed and Wonyoung looked at you, exhausted. “Thank you so much. I owe you one.”

“Good night, girls.” You closed their dorm door, leaving Wonyoung to deal with her. You walked back into your room carefully trying not to wake Rei up. You put your pajamas back and grabbed your phone. It had three new texts from Jake.

jake: you didnt even say hi jake: i wouldve liked for you to say hi.

y/n: ???

jake: why cant we be friends?

y/n: just work on your essay

You chuckled at the sad emoji he sent you. You decided to add a small text to cut the conversation.

y/n: dont drink too much, gn

jake: good night <3 jake: that was you caring for me right? jake: im going to assume it was!

You really tried to keep your walls up for everyone. For the girls it was hard to put them down, but they broke them slowly, and they were your sisters. Sunoo was basically a partner in crime, and Heeseung was like a brother, and that was where your circle ended. Not many people, but you enjoyed their company.

So when Jake appeared you didn’t want to let your guards down. You didn’t do hook ups, half-assed stuff in romance. You knew Jake’s intentions, not in words but you could assume and read through him, which had become a game where he did something and you quickly realized if he was being honest or not. You tried your best to not let him in, but gosh was it hard to do so, especially when he was outside of your class with a coffee.

“What are you doing here?” You said walking quickly to him.

“I’m bringing you coffee.” He raised the cup and handed it to you

“Thanks.” You grabbed it. It was cold, and the ice hadn’t melted yet. He must have bought it a few minutes ago.

You looked at him confused. Really, why was he waiting for you? Especially looking handsome. You surprised yourself at the thought, you weren’t blind but he did seem more handsome than before. He had a puffer jacket that made him seem so stylish you were jealous, and some jeans. He looked effortlessly cool and was annoyingly good looking.

“I can Venmo you.” You said.

“Really, it’s a gift. Take it as a thank you for annoying you with my essay.”

He had informed you that the deadline had been extended for two more days, so he had gained fourteen days to develop his essay. He sounded so happy when he told you, and he did seem committed with his work. Which every time he texted you about the book or the essay, surprised you.

“Did you see the meme I sent you last night?” He asked.

“I haven’t checked my phone since last night.” You excused yourself. Which was true.

“Check it later!” He spoke, excited. “It reminded me of you.”

You looked at him quietly, analyzing him, and why he suddenly decided to show up.

“I will.” You promised.

As you finished your day and finally showered and relaxed, you laid in your bed. Opened Jake’s messages and there it was, a link to instagram. You clicked it and it was a short reel. It showed a hamster mad, then started chuckling and got mad again. You laughed and read the text he had sent you after.

jake: its like you!!!

You laughed now. When you opened the link again, the option to follow Jake appeared. What was there to lose? You clicked follow, and realised he did not have many followers, only heeseung and sunoo were in common, and he had a black and white picture of a dog.

In a few minutes he requested to follow you back, and sent you a direct message.

jakesims: you stalking me?

y/n_: it just appeared as suggested, dont flatter yourself.

jakesims: its a win for me, you are curious about me.

y/n_: i care more about the dog in your pfp.

jakesims: its mine!! its back at home, shes so pretty right?

y/n_: shes a cutie

jakesims: just like her owner?

You left him on seen. He’d understand the message. Even though the dog was pretty, you couldn’t admit the owner was pretty too, not to his face.

The days bundled together every time he’d text and you’d answer. Nothing new or out of the ordinary, questions he’d send or memes he suddenly started to share with you. You did not know how to react to the new conversations he was starting to develop, or trying to.

You'd react with a heart to them, some very funny and others straight up dad-humor, that still made you chuckle. He’d sometimes appear out of your classroom saying he was just passing by.

“The physics building is all across campus.” You pointed out staring out to the floor, careful not to fall through the stairs. “Then why are you walking me the opposite way?”

“Can’t a guy do something nice?” He asked with a humorous tone. Licked his lip and smiled at you. You did your typical dead-pan face to his antics and he chuckled. “I just want to walk with you.”

You kept quiet. It had been three weeks since you started to work on his essay, and he had just a day left to turn it in, which made you realize time flew by.

You were still wary of Jake and he was still using his antics that seemed to come straight out of a cringe book, you had no idea why he still insisted but watching his face when he realized you caught him playing his game, never got old.

“You don’t need to stand too far, you will get wet.” he said, moving the umbrella to cover you more, as you had tried to be as separated from him as much as possible.

“Don’t.” You moved his arm to the middle of both of you, so the umbrella covered you both. “You will get wet.”

“So will you!” He argued.

“But it’s your umbrella.”

“And I want to share it with you.” He explained, speaking louder through the noisy rain, and in one swift movement he changed his umbrella to his left hand, grabbed your waist and pulled you close to him, making sure both of you were under the umbrella. He kept his hand there and continued walking.

“What the fuck?” You looked at him confused. He was closer now, so you had to move your face back.

“We are not getting married, I’m just getting sure you don’t get wet.”

“Has this worked before?” You scoffed and crossed your arms. His laughter echoed, mixing with the rain.

“You always seem so set on rejecting me.” he said looking down at you, with a small smile. “Do I disgust you?”

“If I say yes will you let me go?” You looked to the front and pretended you didn’t feel his eyes on you. “You’re nice but I know people like you Jake, besides the chances of us talking after you finish your essay are probably zero.”

“They are not, we actually get along very well. You say the memes I send are funny.” He smiled, and you chuckled. “See I make you laugh. Isn’t that enough?”

“No. You need more to form a bond with someone” you explained. Jake moved both of you to the side so you avoided stepping onto a small pond that had formed. You realized his touch on your waist made you feel giddy. You tried not to show it, but it was the first time you felt like that. “Have you never been with someone?”

“Actually, no.” he said nonchalantly. You chuckled, you expected his answer. He was the textbook definition of a cliché frat boy, just he wasn’t at any frat or played any sports. “Have you?”

“Haven’t found a guy worth my time.” You answered.

That answer was almost part of you, you hadn't found someone in… ever. Which at the beginning of your teenage years bothered you. Everyone seemed to be having boyfriends and loving people, but once you got to college and realized how many layers life had, you were proud you were selective with people. Your circle was small, your family, friends and that’s where it ended. It just happened that no guy had been in your circle ever, you hadn’t had a boyfriend.

“I can tell you’re not fond of people, Y/N.” he assured. He let a small silence settle before speaking again.“But really? You are pretty and fun-”

“Cut it.” you said with a small laugh and pushed him softly. Since you had started to get a bit more comfortable you’d straight up laugh at his antics, which at first confused him, but after a few tries, he just did it to hear your laugh. “I thought you’d been with someone.”

“Nah, I don’t do relationships.” he admitted. You looked up to him and his features suddenly turned sharp, his expression closed off. “Not for me.”

“Or you haven’t found someone that you liked enough.” You suggested, and then walked the rest of the way to your dorms, in silence.

Jake Sim was confusing you, and you didn't like that one bit.

“The fuck?” Heeseung said, curious at why Jake had been smiling at his phone for the past fifteen minutes. “Why are you so happy? It’s like ten, are you going to get laid tonight?”

“No, you idiot.” Jake got defensive when he heard that. He hadn’t done anything in the past month, since he met you. It felt wrong, he had a goal on his mind. “It’s nothing.”

“You were literally smiling at your phone” Hesseung moved closer to Jake’s bed, and stood over him. “Tell me.”

“I was talking to Y/N.” Jake blurted hoping Heeseung would drop it, while looking at his phone again, checking if you texted back to the meme he just sent you.

“Oh, that makes it better?” Heeseung joked as he walked back to his bed. “She’s like my sister, so just keep it in your pants, Sim.”

“How did you get closer to her? Why did you never tell me about her?” Jake wondered, popping on his elbow.

“Why would I have?” Heeseung arched an eyebrow. “She’d literally eat you alive with that attitude of yours. She barely tolerates me” Jake chuckled. Heeseung was right. “I mean it, Jaeyun. Be careful with her.”

You didn’t know how late it had gotten. You had two tests where you had to study as much as you could, and you didn’t want to bother Rei, as she had gotten sick and wanted to watch TV, so you chose the study room. The library was far and you were feeling lazy to walk, and would have been too crowded when you started studying, at six pm, so you settled for the small study rooms near your dorms.

You had your laptop and your headphones on, and you were typing like your life depended on it. Your summary was coming together, and you hoped you were understanding everything the author had explained in his long essay about what literature was. Which was confusing because you had already been through the process of understanding what literature was with three authors before, you were trying your best not to mess up and confuse them.

You dropped your head back and moved your neck. Your whole back hurt. You grabbed your phone just as it lit up with a notification.

jake: hey, you there? jake: i am near your dorms

You looked confused. You actually thought after finishing and handing in his essay he would stop speaking to you. But maybe he was letting you down slowly? You looked around the study room, it had emptied when the sun left, as you were buried in your summaries, you didn't realize.

y/n: i’m studying at the study rooms y/n: the building next to my dorm

If he had wanted to go, he would make an appearance. You got back to writing on your laptop, and a few minutes later he did appear. The fact that it was ten at night and he walked in with a flashing a smile, his hair a bit disheveled and his usual stylish clothes, just that now he had a big jacket. He looked handsome enough that it made you angry. Not at him, but at yourself for even caring about it.

“Hello.” He said slower than usual and grabbed the chair in front of you and sat down.

Careful not to move any of your things. You gave him a small smile and continued with the idea you had on your head. You started typing and a smell started to get under your skin.

You looked around, but you were the only one in the study room, outside it was just empty and the smell appeared when Jake got in. You looked up at him and his eyes were bloodshot red, he was high.

It smelled like alcohol, cigars and weed all mixed at the same time. And made your stomach sink. You didn't know why you cared or why it made you feel disappointed in him, but out of nowhere you wanted to cry, not only because the smell was uncomfortable and didn't let you study but because you never saw Jake high. Which was fine, but… what else did you expect of him?

“I was about to go.” You started saving your stuff in your bag. “Let's go.” You said, not wanting to be rude and leaving him there alone when he asked where you were. He walked with you, and you tried to be polite and not breathe in the smell he radiated so you just stayed silent. You walked fast to the dorm and just waved him goodbye.

Once you got into the room, you sat on your bed. Rei was there and she looked at you worried.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Jake came up to me, he smelt awful and he was high.” You said. “Am I too stuck up for not liking that?” You looked at her worried. “I do think he is cute, but… I don’t like that.”

Rei shook her head and came and sat next to you.

“Maybe that’s why I have never been with someone, you know? I’m maybe too prude, but… why did it bother me so much?” You explained, confused. Rei grabbed your hands from your lap.

“Look, you are different. You know what you like in someone and what you don’t. It’s okay, and some people don’t meet what you like, and that’s fine.”

“I–” you started and Rei cut you off.

“You’re spiraling inside here.” She touched your temple and you chuckled. “You are amazing, smart and someone perfect will come and you will probably accept them, someone for you.” She comforted you and put a piece of hair that had fallen from your ponytail behind your ear. “Can this be because you like Jake, Y/N?”

You sat, looked at the floor and exhaled.

“If I say It’s possible I have a tiny crush on him, is it bad?” You looked at her scared, not for her reaction but because of what that might mean for you, she chuckled and shook her head with a small smile. “Then maybe I do, a bit.” She stroke your hair. You didn't like the feeling of having a crush.

After you both were in your own beds, ready to sleep, your phone vibrated with a text from Jake.

jake: i smelt like weed you didnt tell me

y/n: i didnt want to be rude y/n: but you did look high

jake: sorry jake: and sorry for the smell

y/n: doesnt matter

One month later, Jake had been a looming presence in your life. When he received the grade for his essay, he insisted on celebrating with coffee. You weren’t going to say no to free coffee, so you accepted and he took you to a different coffee shop to the one on campus.

“You deserve a thank you coffee and a cookie. I came here once and they were delicious.” Jake said while you both were waiting in line.

Every hang out after chatting with Rei about your feelings started to seem different. So eventually after that invitation for coffee it turned into him being everywhere.

How can you develop a crush on someone in just one month? You felt ridiculous, but you started to analyze more how he interacted with you. You’d receive random memes, and at one point you started to send some back. Did he do that to make people fall for him? Sometimes he waited for you outside your classes, he’d usually have a coffee and when he didn’t, he’d apologize saying he got you a candy, but whatever he brought, he always walked you to your next class. Had he done that for others? He’d walk you back to your dorm when you stayed until dark in the library studying, he even joined you some days. Was it part of a plan?

You were being paranoic over liking him. You had to accept that the probability of him being caring with you didn't mean he wasn't partying like an animal, hooking up and having girls in his lap or drinking until getting wasted. Maybe he was a very caring friend, but liking him, and having your head trying to find a ‘but’ to every action he did was starting to be exhausting. Almost as if you were waiting for him to mess up.

If anything happened to the girls you were the designated driver. Just the day that Wonyoung took her car to visit her family, Gaeul asked you to pick her up. No Uber took her, so you had to ask Heeseung to borrow his car. He agreed and went with you, and on your way to the party the information that Jake apparently also was there, came up.

Your mood soured instantly, and Heeseung noticed.

“What’s with the face?” He inquired with an eyebrow raised as he left the parking lot of your dorms. He had a faint, teasing smile on his face.

“What face?” You asked defensively. Trying to relax your face and make any sign that showed how Jake made you feel, disappear.

“The ‘I like Jake but he sometimes is an asshole’ face.” Heeseung laughed when you looked at him angry and pointed a finger at him. “I won’t tell anyone, I swear.”

“I don’t like him, it's just… a crush.” You admit, trying not to make it too obvious or get your cheeks flushed.

You had known Heeseung for years, and you trusted him. You knew he wouldn’t go and tell Jake, or you hoped so. You had never shared anything like that with him. What if he was a sleep talker and accidentally revealed your secret to Jake when he was sleeping? What if it slipped out in front of Jake? You had to trust a man, but well.. It was Heeseung. He was like a brother to you, trustworthy.

“Everyone starts from somewhere.” He said joking as he parked near the infamous frat house that probably had a party everyday. It was indeed big, did someone clean it? Was it always smelly? Your friends liked it, and well… you were just there to pick them up. “I fucking hates those guys.” Heeseung spat with a disgusted face.

“The frat ones?” You asked unbuckling your seatbelt.

“The frat ones.” He confirmed.

As always, it stunk but that time was fuller than any party you had picked the girls up from. Walking around meant pushing people as you tried to make your way through the layout of the house. Getting to the kitchen was a waste of time, you saw it was full even from the outside. When you said ‘excuse me’ no one listened, not because of the music, but because everyone was talking so loudly that led to everyone screaming.

You were in the middle of what you remembered to be the living room, looking around when you stood on your toes to look better for Gaeul. Heeseung was on the other side of the living room, closer to the door and he signaled for you to look behind. You turned around, and Gaeul waved and lifted her hand for you to see her. She started opening her way though the people to get to your side. It looked like a pit for a concert. How many people fit in that house? It was big, but big enough to hold that many sweaty humans?

“Yo!” A tall blonde guy on top of a table screamed so loud that everyone shut up and looked at him. You did the same, because his scream was so loud that it cut through all the noise. “We have an announcement to make.”

You recognized him as one of Jake’s friends. One of the frat guys, one of the owners of the smelly big house. He was the one that tipped his red cup to you, saluting you when you picked up Jiwon. He had sharp features on his face and a towering attitude. Someone grabbed your hand, you looked and Gaeul cling to your arm. You smiled at her and started to make your way back to the door while the blonde guy still screamed.

“Our friend Jakey, is a pussy!” He screamed pointing to the side, as everyone booed loudly. You and Gaeul stopped and saw that who was being pointed, was actually the Jake you knew.

Jake Sim had his face red, featured hardened, fists at his side and he was breathing too fast, as you saw his chest move, which made him seem intimidating and at the verge of hitting the tall blonde guy who was blatantly laughing at his face.

Heeseung was one couple of steps behind Jake, so when he saw his friend was the end of the joke, he tapped his shoulder. Jake turned around and went pale when he saw Heeseung next to him, he asked something and Heeseung pointed at you with Gaeul, who now was the one opening the way for you to leave the house by pushing people.

“Our Jakey rejected the bet” He said in a mocking whiny voice. “Because he started to fall for the girl he bet on.” The guy screamed as Gaeul and you reached the door.

You stopped and looked at Jake, confused about what he was being accused of. Had he bet on someone? Jake looked at you apologetic, with worry in his eyes and his face still pale. You frowned at him, not processing what was happening. Gaeul held your hand tight as she tried to pull you out of the house, and Heeseung grabbed your arm, leaving Jake behind, with a disappointed face.

The tall blonde guy on the table realized what was happening and spoke again with a grin on his face:

“Oh, we wish the best for you two!” He started clapping sarcastically. “I hope Y/N knows how much of a stupid asshole Jake is for betting and not completing what he bet for.”

Your legs felt weak. You were the bet.

Gaeul pulled you out of the house quickly, and Heeseung followed, still holding your arm. The noise from the party and laughs faded. You heard your name being called behind you but you just followed Gaeul’s lead. You were so confused and out of your body that you didn’t process what had happened until you were sat at the front in Heeseung's car again. Where less than twenty minutes ago you told him you liked Jake.

The words of the blonde guy echoed in your mind, but you didn’t find a sense of them. How was someone so careless? You heard Gaeul curse with words you had never heard her say and Heeseung had his arms holding the wheel tightly, with a disappointed expression. That’s when you finally knew what had happened.

You had been a fucking bet for Jake Sim.

What could Jake have bet on you for? A hundred? A thousand? What was the bet? To get you to kiss him? To get a good grade with your help? For you to hook up with him? Or worse, that you didn’t want to imagine. Those guys looked like they would be capable of that.

You didn’t cry. Heeseung left you and Gaeul in the dorm, told you if you needed anything to call him, and you walked in. Gaeul holding your hand still, as you were shocked.

You opened the door to your room where Rei and Yujin were playing cards on Rei’s bed. When Gaeul closed the door behind her, you cried. Not dramatic, not throwing yourself to the ground, but with hurt and a swirl that you felt growing on your chest. You sat on your bed and the girls stood up quickly as they saw your breathing getting quicker and ragged. You didn’t feel your legs, or any part of your body, and the walls of the dorm were falling onto you.

You noticed how Yujin sat next to you, grabbing your hands and intertwining them with hers so you didn't dig your nails on your palm. Rei started to breathe louder so you’d mimic her. You were in the middle of a fucking panic attack because a guy you liked had bet on you.

How weird.

It had been a while since you had a panic attack. They happened when you were too sad to talk, and you hated them. The first time, Yujin helped you, but you were always embarrassed when they happened. The girls never made a big deal out of it and made you feel safe, but they always made you feel weak, physically and mentally.

Minutes later, you calmed down and someone knocked on the door. You froze. The girls noticed and frowned.

“If it’s Jake please tell him I’m not here, okay?” You whispered urgently trying to mumble as clear as you could. Rei nodded, stood up and opened the door. Gaeul handed you a glass of water and you drank it sip by sip.

“It’s me” The voice of Heeseung came to your ears. Rei moved to the side and Heeseung walked in and sat on Rei’s bed. He placed the paper bags he had with him on the floor. “I got all of us takeout.” “What the fuck happened, Heeseung?” Yujin asked, getting impatient. She wasn’t going to ask you for an explanation in the state you were in, but seeing that Heeseung was there with a worried expression made her impatient. If you were in distress for any reason and Heeseung knew what that was, Yujin wanted answers.

“Jake fucked up.” He said.

“As in, how?” Rei chimed in.

“He made a bet on Y/N” Heeseung looked through the room, not wanting to see the angry faces in the girls.

Everyone got quiet. No noise was made for a few seconds and Yujin dropped your hands gently on your lap.

“The fuck you mean he bet on her?” Yujin stood up angry. She grabbed her phone and started texting. “What happened? Did he explain it to you?”

“I actually don’t care if he explains.” Heeseung said standing up. “I don’t know how he is, but he was at the dorm when I got back from getting take out. I walked in and well, you know I don’t fight but I threw him a glass of water.” He shrugged.

When Heeseung barged into the room later that night, he totally ignored Jake, who was still curled against his bed as he first saw him when he threw the water at him. Jake didn’t like to lay in bed on the clothes he used in the day, but after he saw the hurt and shock in your face, failed Heeseung and fought with the guys who thought were his friends, he didn’t care about anything. Jake wanted to hide, but he didn’t have any right to do so, he didn't have any right to feel sad. He was an asshole.

Heeseung grabbed his shoulder, and turned Jake around to see his face. Jake was crying, his eyes red and his face puffy.

“Are you fucking crying?” Heeseung spat.

“Fuck off.” Jake tried to cover his face and turn around. Heeseung moved Jake back. Jake was not even trying to fight it, he felt weak, mean, stupid and a bad person. He let himself be moved by Heeseung.

“Why the fuck did you do it?” Heeseung asked. Dropping his hand from Jake’s shoulder now that Jake was looking at him. Jake didn't even answer. He had no answer, but he sat straight on his bed, cleaning his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie. “Jake, fucking answer. You have no right to shut up now.”

“I don’t know, okay?” Jake said in a small voice, exasperated with the situation and himself. “I have no answer.”

Heeseung groaned but sat on Jake’s bed, with his jaw tense, he looked at Jake and saw how disarmed he looked. Jake had never shown a sad state since he met him, and seeing him like that tugged a string in Heeseung’s heart. He was his friend too, but you were like his sister. Heeseung felt sad for both of you, but couldn’t find sympathy for Jake.

“I am fucking mad at you.” Heeseung explained and sighed, shaking his head, still with his jaw tense . “But I believe that you don’t know why you did it. And I know you are not like that. But I am mad.” Heeseung said, grabbed a few of his things, threw them in a bag and left the room.

Jake was alone, again. He had broken the trust you had built together. The bond you were developing, he tore it apart from the root and hurt you, he was just finding his way into your heart when he had to go and fuck it up. He remembered that stupid bet, he wanted to tell you, but the right time never came, and when he noticed you seeking him back, he didn’t want to break anything he enjoyed building.

Jake was now known by the company he kept. But he could change it. He’d try to change it.

He unlocked his phone. Told those frat guys to fuck off, and blocked each one of them as he left the stupid chat group. He was disappointed in himself. He saw Sunoo had texted him, probably cursing him, so he opened the texts and read.

sunoo: you couldn’t keep your shit together sunoo: i wont waste my time in kicking you sunoo: bet you want to kick yourself sunoo: drink water and take care sunoo: but not too much care, im mad

He didn’t answer. Jake stared at your chat, which he had embarrassingly decided to pin on top so he’d be able to text you faster, but at times like those a text wouldn't work. You’d reject him. While he knew you wanted nothing to do with him, the fact that he could see your profile picture –you in front of a bridge, that you told him appeared in your favorite book– meant you hadn’t blocked him. Jake’d do everything in his power to be of your trust again.

jake: im sorry and i really hope i can fix this jake: ill try as long as you let me.

He knew he wouldn’t get an answer, but he wanted you to know. He felt dirty and shed some tears, but he had a goal. Get you back and start to build again whatever that you two were building.

The next day you didn’t go to class. You woke up with your alarm, but stayed in bed. Rei got ready while still offering to stay with you, but you insisted on her to go. Then Wonyoung came and stayed with you until her class at ten started, and you were left by yourself for the first time since you last saw Jake.

You didn’t have your heart fully broken, you were taking it very maturely, but you felt played and disappointed in yourself. Thank god you hadn’t started a relationship with him, or shared an important first with him, but you knew you liked him. Which is something that hadn’t happened… ever. At least you had found out that you indeed had the capacity to like someone and you weren’t a loveless human, but why did that someone have to be Sim Jake? Why couldn’t it be someone that wasn’t betting on you?

But you knew you wouldn’t have fallen for someone else, Jake had that ability, you knew it, you tried to resist it, but he was starting to gain a space in your brain. You did wish parts of it were real, a person could only act so much and not feel something, right?

You looked at your phone when it started to vibrate on your nightstand. You picked it and three texts from Heeseung were on your lockscreen. You opened them, ignoring the message of Jake you had only read through the notifications.

heeseung: are you at your dorm?

He appeared a few minutes later with two cans of juice and a bag of candy. He sat on your desk, while you were still in bed. You both ate the candy bag in silence. He wasn’t going to speak until you decided you were comfortable.

“Did he tell you anything?” You asked, sipping from your can. He shook his head no.

“I was shocked, I thought that happened just in movies.” He said, grabbing some candies and putting them in his mouth. “I told Sunoo and I think I haven’t ever seen him that mad”

You chuckled at that.

“I know, we were texting a while ago.” You grabbed your can and gave it a sip. “Do you think he could have liked me? Like, if he could have developed feelings for me, eventually?

Heeseung debated on whether to answer. He knew the answer.

“Look, it’s different for Jake. You know how he is–” He tried to explain looking at you with a frustrated expression but sighed, defeated. “He liked you.”

You looked at him, and somewhat hopeful for something that had just been broken.

“He never told me, but the basics where that he hadn’t been going to parties or coming back drunk, the other thing is that you were all he talked about, and he started reading that book–”

“He still has my copy of Wuthering Heights.” You let your face fall on your hands.

Heeseung chuckled.

“I can get it, but the point is that Jake did like you. I don’t know if he knew it, but I know and probably everyone around him did.” Heeseung grabbed more candy and ate them, extended the bag to you, and you took it from his hands. With his mouth full he confessed: “I never liked those frat guys.”

You laughed, and after Heeseung swallowed all the candy he had a weak smile.

“I really wish things had been different for you two.”

“Me too.” you said nodding and resting your back against the wall. You stretched your legs and cracked your neck, that was hurting. Your whole body was hurting from the tension you felt and for how you slept hugging yourself. “I’ll be fine… but I really liked him.”

“I know.” Heeseung sat next to you. “But you will get through this. Just-” He looked around, trying to find his words. “Does he have a chance to explain?” He asked, looking at you curious.

“I’d love to say no, but I’m too curious to do so.” You chuckled. You looked at Heeseung, knowing he could be your bridge to Jake. “If he asks and brings the topic to you, say yes. But if he doesn't say anything, just don’t tell him. Just if it comes up from his own mouth.”

You made Heeseung promise to not bring the topic to Jake, unless Jake did first. And he did keep that promise, he was so happy when Jake talked with him. After Heeseung cursed at him and Jake took all of it, he asked if he had a chance to explain. Heeseung tried not to smile, so he just told Jake that you’d listen to him.

Forty-eight hours later you were walking back to your dorm. It was late and your mind felt heavy, like your lectures had been, with too much information to type and a long essay you had finished at the library until nine pm, had you missing the warmth of your dorm. You also missed the figure that would usually walk you back to your dorm, but you had to suck it up and just go on.

You had your headphones on, just as you lifted your view you saw a figure sitting on the curb, right in front of your dorm building. You recognized him from far away, his jacket gave him away, you really liked it when he wore that jacket, and his hair was a mess even from far away. You could only see his profile, and he was hanging his head low, staring at the floor, hugging his knees, which made him look comical. He lifted his gaze and saw you.

He stood up and walked up to you, quickly.

“Y/N” He said. He looked pale, had a small stubble on his chin, had dark circles under his eyes and his eyes were red, you hoped it was because he had been crying and not because he was high. You had never seen him that mess up.

You stopped. You had imagined how it’d work, ever since you found out, you had prepared different scenarios in your mind how it’d be the next time you’d see him. Him showing up like that, catching you off guard, hadn’t been one. You were not at a loss of words, but you didn’t expect to not feel angry towards him, you just felt… sadness, and deceived. But one look at him, and you still liked him.

“Your eyes are red.” You pointed out. He nodded automatically. “Are you high or were you crying?”

“I was crying.” He confessed quickly.

“Good.” You said and realized your words. “Not that you were crying, but that you weren’t getting high.” He chuckled and smiled at you. He didn’t stop staring at you with soft eyes, you moved your gaze to the floor. Shy.

The whole interaction was the most intimate one you had ever had, probably the only one where you got visibly shy in front of him. You assumed it was because he was being vulnerable for the first time, without the weight of the lie lurking, you assumed it felt comfortable for him, hence it felt comfortable for you. Maybe that would change how he expressed with you. For better or worse.

“I like you.” He blurted.

You looked up, confused and frozen. In every scenario he definitely didn't confess to you. Everything went still around you and you blinked slowly while feeling the weight of Jake’s words carve in your brain. He liked you.

“And I am so sorry.” He added. You tilted your head and furrowed your brows, confused. “Not for liking you!” He shook his hands, trying to express himself. “For everything.”

“I can tell.” You admitted looking at him from head to toe without hiding the looks you were giving him. “You do look like someone who’s sorry.”

You kept quiet, he just looked to the ground. You looking up at him made you feel confused, you felt played, but still had that small spark for him. And the worst? Is that you did see he was sorry.

“I am an asshole and I don’t deserve to be talking to you.” You nodded along his words, because you agreed but also because you wanted him to continue talking, showing him that you were listening. “I didn't accept the money. I don’t want those people in my life if it means I don’t have you on it.”

You did understand him but you couldn’t just forgive him yet. You did hold a grudge on him, yet you couldn’t accept his apology yet.

“Tell me you believe me.” He pleaded. “What can I do for you to give me a chance?”

“I believe you, Jake, but I don’t trust you.” You said with a strained throat, and you felt your eyes water. You looked up and he was in the same state, just that he let the tears drop down his cheek. “What do you want a chance for?

“To earn your trust and show you that I like you a lot.” He confessed, sternly, not even caring to wipe his tears. “I really haven’t felt this before, and I’ll do everything even if it takes me years. I want you to look at me and trust me.”

You just sighed. Those were a lot of words. A confession, that you didn’t know if you were ready to reciprocate to him, you didn’t want to give him hope, yet you did want him to try for you.

“I’ll make up for everything.” He said looking at your eyes, still with tears.

You opened your backpack and took a small pack of tissues from it. Handed it to him, and he wiped his tears with a chuckle. You cared about him, still.

“How?”

“I’ll surprise you.” He nodded, as if he was accepting a challenge. “I won’t let us down like I did.”

“I don’t want you to have any hopes up.” You explained. Not only for him, but for yourself too.

“That’s fine. I have high hopes for us. I can save them until you have them too.” He added chuckling sadly: “That’s dramatic, right?” You nodded with a small chuckle.

You didn’t believe in second chances, but when at night you received a good night text from Jake, you really questioned if you had to change that belief, maybe you could keep being the person that believed people don't deserve them and change. And for the first time you wanted to believe you could change that belief, that maybe Jake would make you change it.

“Rei.” you murmured and she made a sound. “Is it okay what I’m doing?”

“If it makes you happy, it’s fine. If it makes you anxious, you drop it.” She said directly to the room lit only by the tv. “If you feel you are in a cycle you can’t break, you tell us and we get you out of it, okay?”.

“I’m awake too, and I stand by that.” Wonyoung moved next to you, hogging the blankets from you. She curled against them and turned around .

“Me too” Joined Gaeul’s sleepy voice from the other side of the room.” Rei, move, you left me without blankets.”

“This is my bed, you move.” The girls bickered and you smiled.

If you tried to change, you had support, if you didn't, you would still have the support of the girls. Now it was all in Jake’s hands to see how it developed. Step by step, maybe things would work, or maybe they wouldn’t. Who knew? And you had to learn that whatever happened, you’d be fine with it.

The teacher had been explaining the same concept three times, or well, trying to. Your focus had not been the best, it was the end of the semester, and the fact that you still had the image of Jake smiling still in your mind didn’t help the case. You looked around the classroom and everyone seemed to focus on their own stuff, some looking at the teacher and then writing and some others just scribbling, playing games or dissociating in the middle of class. You couldn’t blame any of them, because you were doing the same. Just that you tried to mask it by looking at your laptop and writing what you remember of what the teacher was saying.

You checked your phone when it vibrated on the table, and some messages of Rei showing you that she found the earring she had lost was found under her bed. You typed a smile and ‘i told you’ just as the teacher dismissed all of you. You wrapped your scarf around your neck and started walking towards the exit of the classroom. And there, outside was Jake. You stopped when you saw him and he smiled, waved to you and walked closer slowly.

He looked way better than he did yesterday. More put together.

“You don’t look so bad.” You said putting your backpack on your back.

“Are you saying I look good?” He smirked. You put your typical deadpan face, you both were back to square one.

“I say you don’t look like a zombie.”

“Brought you your iced coffee.” He gave you the iced latte you were craving since you woke up, and you were waiting for the class to end and buy one. Even if it was cold, you loved it. You gave him a small smile, almost imperceptible, but it did warm your heart.

“Is this you winning me over?” you asked, sipping the iced coffee.

“Part of it. I won’t win you over just with iced coffee.” he said, gesturing for you to start walking. “I’ll walk you.”

You started walking anyway. You looked at the floor not wanting to turn around and see if he was actually walking with you, but he wasted no time in getting by your side.

The whole way was silent, you looked straight ahead. You felt his gaze on your face, but he made no effort to make conversation, he was following your lead. Even if you had done the same walk before, it felt different because the silence was actually making you miss how he talked before in those small moments you had with him. But he had it coming, he was now playing by your rules, and you weren’t going to break and talk, pretend that nothing had happened.

You knew you had to be strong and not melt for a simple iced coffee that you could've bought yourself. You were stronger than that, not that you’d make him grovel, but it would be nice to really feel wanted.

Your footsteps and people’s chatters were your sound of ambience. You looked at him, and he was looking at you. He gave you a small smile, and he looked better than the day before. Less regretful, if that’s possible. He looked more honest.

“This is my class.” You said as you stood outside the big building.

He nodded and placed his hands inside his pockets.

“Have a good class, Y/N.” he smiled. “Drink your coffee before it waters down, okay?”

That was what he did every day for a week, he’d text you good morning and good night texts, walk you down everywhere, all in complete silence. The ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ were mostly all your conversations, and you were starting to miss Jake’s voice and topics of conversations. You sighed, and asked him straightforwardly when he was waiting for you outside your dorm.

“Are you following like a guide? You just walk and don’t talk.” You walked closer to him.

“Do you want me to talk?” He looked at you with an arched eyebrow and a faint smile.

For the first time, Jake felt a spark of hope. You had missed his yapping and he was more than happy to bring them back. You were giving back slowly. Maybe it wasn’t all lost for him.

He had tried with the texts, he had arrived late for most of his classes and left early in some others to get you your coffee and walk you down. It was hard to stay quiet around you, for him, but he tried. If you wanted silence and allowed him to be with you, he’d keep his mouth shut all the time.

“I mean, at least it’d be less awkward.” You shrugged, as if it meant nothing. For Jake meant everything.

“Okay. I’ll talk.” he said smiling.”

That same night you were laying in bed, scrolling through your phone, checking every app possible until you saw the notification of a text pop up. It was Jake, and he had shared a link. You clicked and Spotify opened to a playlist named: i’m not good with words but i’ll write something eventually. You chuckled at the name and looked through the songs he had added. He texted:

jake: its the first time im sharing a playlist jake: i’ll be updating it

y/n: dont put shitty music there pls y/n: and i might listen to it

jake: thanks

y/n: for???

jake: not blocking me lol jake: and everything else but thats a topic for other day jake: when you fall for my charm ill tell u

y/n: last time i did you won money

jake: ouch

A few minutes later he texted again:

jake: wait jake: you fell for my charm?

You chuckled and left him on seen.

In the past three weeks his hand grew accustomed to holding a cold drink for a while, but that day his hand was getting colder and colder. You weren’t coming out of your dorm at the time you usually did. You probably were late, he thought. The thing was that you were never late, you had your favorite class, the poetry one first hour in the morning.

When his hand was red and unresponsive thanks to the cold, he saw the time. Eight o’clock. You were nowhere near, until he saw your friend, Rei walk out with her headphones on.

“Hey!” Jake said walking fast to her. “Rei, what’s up?”

She looked at him stoic, and took her headphones off, looking at him done. He assumed she knew what had happened and she wasn’t fond of him.

“What?” She asked dryly.

Yup, your friends weren’t exactly warming up to him either. A few days ago he crossed paths with Wonyoung on his way to class, and he swore if she could, she would have killed him on the spot with that icy stare.

“Is Y/N okay?” he asks and she sighs, as if talking to him tired her. But eventually, she shook her head.

“That girl is sick and she refused to… wait, were you waiting for her?” Rei asked, arching an eyebrow and Jake nodded quickly, like a kid being scolded. “Cute, I guess.”

“Is she in bed?” Jake asked worriedly. “Can I see her?”

Rei looked wary, and chuckled.

“If the door to the dorm opens and you can get in, you can. But now I have to get to class.” She said smiling, she wasn’t going to open the door for him. Rei walked away, again with her headphones on and Jake sighed.

Fair enough.

Jake wasn’t going to give up. He’d get into that dorm one way or another. Not trespassing or anything illegal, but maybe if he waited for someone to open the door for him, or a perfect opportunity to slip in when someone was leaving the building, he’d be able to see you. He remembered your dorm number because once it slipped from you, that you lived on the second floor and your room number.

Thank god, because Jake didn’t want to go and knock on every door on the second floor.

You were in bed, you were ready to leave for class, showered, dressed but you almost fainted when reaching for your backpack. You couldn’t stand up, and you had decided to ignore the huge headache you developed during the night.

After a small argument on why your health mattered, Rei forced you to stay in bed. All of your friends had classes, and Rei begged you to let her stay with you, but you told her she needed to go to class, that you’d do well by yourself. And you did, for about fifteen minutes, until your head started to hurt and you felt your body getting hot.

Chills ran through your body, you drank water, had a wet cloth on your head, and you really tried to sleep but when you got cold, it got worse. Your body shivered, but you knew if you turned the heater on, you’d get hot. A huge paradox.

A knock on the door took your focus away from how you felt every muscle of your body sore, you screamed from your bed, with your head hurting, but you weren’t going to get up if it wasn’t important.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Jake”

You got up and walked slowly to the door. Not caring that you had changed into your most comfortable pajamas and opened the door quickly. And there he was with a smile on his face, but worried eyes.

“I’m sick.” you mumbled trying to not get too close to him.

“I know.” He smiled. “Can I come in?”

“You’ll get sick.” You excused and he shrugged it off. You sighed and nodded. He took his shoes off, left a coffee on your desk, and walked to stand next to your bed, where you shamelessly laid down, not caring that he was there.

You rested your head on the pillow, placed the wet cloth on your forehead, closed your eyes and spoke:

“Why did you come?” You opened one eye, to see that he was awkwardly standing next to your bed, not knowing what to do.

It wasn’t the first time he was there, but it was the first time you weren’t completely sure if everything looked neat. Rei and you always kept it organized, but it was eight in the morning, if a bra was hanging around there or if your dirty clothes were around, you couldn’t care less.

“Do you need anything?”

“No.” You said and closed your eyes again. You felt his eyes on you and opened one eye, again. He chuckled and you closed it again. “You can sit, you look awkward standing there.”

“You sure?”

“Don’t make me regret it, just sit.” You mumbled, moved your feet and pointed at the end of the bed. He understood your signs and sat at the end of the bed, with a smile. “Can you talk, I don’t know, tell me a story.”

“A story?” He asked, confused about your petition. He thought if you’d ask something from him it’d be to either leave or shut up. You hummed in confirmation and he chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” You opened your eyes and frowned, with your face hurting when doing the gesture. He laughed.

“You look so cute.”

“Shut up.” You closed your eyes again and got comfortable in between your pillows. “My head hurts, so your story better be good.”

“Okay. Can I get comfortable? I need to be comfortable to tell good stories.” He joked

“Don’t. You’re still on thin ice, Sim.” You mumbled and he laughed before starting.

You didn’t know if he did tell you a story or not, cause you fell asleep when some words came out of his mouth. You felt guarded so you quickly fell into slumber, that did help you feel better because when you woke up your head didn’t hurt as much as it did before. You didn’t know how much time you had slept. You looked around the room, and it was still light outside, so probably a few hours. Jake was at the end of your bed, with his back on the wall and with his eyes closed. You moved a bit and he opened his eyes and looked at you.

“You okay? Does something hurt?” He asked yawning and looking at you, straightening up when he saw you straightening up.

“No, I’m fine. I just fell asleep. What time is it?” You asked, yawning too.

“Ten in the morning, you slept two hours, and… I don't know, I just closed my eyes for a second.” He excused himself. “Sorry.”

“For what? For sleeping?” You sat and rested on your back on your bedframe. “It’s fine.”

You looked at him, as he started to look at his phone, and he did look pretty. It had been three weeks since you allowed him back, slowly, in your life, and how much better he started to look in comparison to when you met him, was weird. His hair was wavier and longer, his gaze looked softer and his smile genuine. His style was the same as always, but there was something in him that caught your attention, more than it did before the whole bet thing. You still were wary about him, but you couldn’t deny you still liked him and thought he was very handsome.

You really didn’t know how to approach anything that related to him, but you did want to try.

“You are staring.” He said without looking up from his phone.

“You’re imagining things.” You looked down at your hands, and silence settled in between you both.

Now it was your turn to feel his gaze. You looked up at him and locked eyes. You had no intention or energy to mock him when he started with his flirty antics, so you just looked down and got comfortable laying your head on your pillows and laying comfortably on the bed.

“You are cute, you know?” He mentioned chuckling. “I can tell you’re sick because you didn’t roll your eyes at me.”

“Shut up.” You felt you were getting embarrassed. “If I roll my eyes my head hurts, but I can still scoff at your tactics, if you want.”

“No thanks.” He chuckled, and after a beat he said: “You know I really want you back, right?”

You didn't answer, just looked at him.

“Not what we had, but if I work right, I want you to be with me, to trust me, to enjoy my presence and you know maybe for you to like me” he spoke the last part lower. “If you tell me to stop, I will, but I really like you still, and I beat myself up for what happened, and I’ll do it for a long time.”

You just stared at him, with longing in your eyes, but trying to mask it as much as you could.

“But I want to beat myself up and have you by my side, to walk you to class and pick you up. I’d like to take you to the observatory, show you a bit of my world.”

You chuckled and smiled softly.

“I’d like to make you laugh. And I really want you back, and I really want you to warm up to me again. But I’ll earn it.” He sighed and smiled at you, fully accepting his feelings.. “Not just with what I’m saying, but just so you know, that’s what I want.” He stood up-

“Where are you going?” You asked quickly, worrying if he was going to leave after telling you everything. .

“I’ll go get you something to eat and I’ll be back.” He put his jacket and scarf on looking at you the whole time. “Will you miss me?”

You scoff and he chuckles.

“Don’t die on the way there.”

“See you in a bit.” He closes the door behind himself.

He left you with a cloud of thoughts, you weren't ready to trust him, but to forgive him? You were slowly seeing how sorry he felt, and you were happy that he was being honest, but you still were warded, and you’d probably be for a while, but it felt nice to see him try, and you had to recognize, it was the first time you allowed someone that did something to you to repair it. Not that anyone had ever apologized, but it felt nice seeing that maybe people had a second chance in your life.

The observatory was something that Jake only went by himself, once Heeseung took him because he had missed the bus that took him to the top of the hill, but other than him, it was just him there. When he invited you, he knew the stars would be visible, and he needed to work on a final project for his class. He was over the moon when you said yes.

“Let’s go, the bus must come in a few minutes.” He said when you appeared through the doors of your dorm building.

You went to a bus stop right at the entrance of campus, and a small bus stopped. It read ‘Observatory’ on the window, and besides you two, some students went in. You got up and Jake, behind you, signaled two seats next to the window, almost at the back. You both sat there as the bus started its trip.

It went through the streets of the town until it got to an entrance of a private property that signaled you were arriving. The bus kept moving, when it started going uphill. You looked at Jake, scared and he chuckled.

“This thing is moving too much.” You said trying not to panic, holding the seat in front, and looking around. “What if this falls?” You whispered. You didn’t want the driver to listen, what if it made him insecure and you fell?

“We are not going to fall.” He calmed you.

Looking through the window, the campus started to look smaller every time the bus kept moving. You looked around the bus, and the other students that were there seemed focused on their stuff and too calm for your liking. You did your best to stay composed, but every turn made you feel like you’d fall down the cliff. Jake chuckled quietly and grabbed your hand. You did not fight it, or did anything for him to drop it, it did help you ground yourself until the bus stopped and everyone went down.

You were so happy when you touched land again. You turned around and followed Jake, who still was holding your hand, and the group of students that started to dissipate once they got into the observatory

The observatory was a huge dome on the top of the hill. When you walked in, Jake saluted the people in the entrance, as they recognized him. They smiled warmly at him and you. He walked your two to a small room that had just a computer on a desk, and a small window.

“These are study rooms.” He said leaving his backpack on the hooks behind the doors. He delicately took your backpack too and hung it next to his. He sat in front of the desk and turned the computer on. He grabbed the chair next to the desk and placed it next to him. “Sit with me.”

You did as you were curious of what was happening on the screen, when a software opened and what seemed to be the sky appeared on the screen. You peeked and he smiled at you.

“This is a live telescope.” He pointed to some stars. “I need to analyze these ones.” He moved the image around until he found the section he was looking for. He pointed to a group of stars together. “That stellar cluster. Give me a second.” He stood up quickly and grabbed his ipad from his backpack, placed it next to the computer and opened some documents where he had his notes. “Can you help me, please?”

“Yeah.” You grabbed the apple pen he was handing you.

“Can you write some numbers I'm going to give you?”

He started dictating numbers that you assumed might have been coordinates to the stars he needed to analyze. So you started writing quickly. You had no clue what everything meant or what he was going to use those numbers for, but you just helped him the best you could.

You had never seen him this focused, or that passionate for something. You wondered if people knew he had that side of his. You were thankful he was showing you that.

“Do people know you come here?” You asked when he started getting up and putting his jacket on again. “The first time you said you didn’t tell people your major, is it because it didn’t fit with what you… did?”

“I mean, the party people, nobody knew I study physics. No one pays attention to those things.” You put your jacket on too, but had a problem zipping it up. You struggled and Jake held your hand, softly and zipped it up for you. “I should have known better, right? ” He dropped his hand from your zipper and chuckled sadly.

He grabbed his student id from the desk, and closed the door of the study room. “Our things will be safe, don’t worry.” You both walked through the dome, which now you noticed was very cozy and smaller than you had thought, that was until you walked through the back to a big patio.

“Anyway, I liked it that way. People that care about me, would eventually care about what I like” he started walking to a telescope, looking number by number. “I also like to build LEGOs if you didn’t know.” He smiled when he found “This one is ours.”

You held his ipad and he started to type on a computer next to it. These people had computers for everything. You were very confused, but you just helped him from afar, holding the ipad and looking at the sky, that was perfect for stargazing or star-analyzing.

The telescope was big, not how you expected a telescope to be, it wasn't a long tube, but basically a machine that was just a camera. It must have been expensive, and looked very complicated, but Jake moved swiftly through the computer, then looking through the telescope and repeating that process again and again a few times.

“I thought they’d be like the common ones.” You said, adjusting your scarf when the cold air hit you. “Not like this.”

“There are some of those inside, these ones are for stargazing” He explained moving to the machine once again. “Look, these are the stars I told you about.” Jake smiled, moving away from the telescope. Giving you space to look.

You realized there was a stool and that the telescope was higher than you thought. The stool helped you reach it, but not that much, so you had to stand on your tip toes to view better.

“Need me to hold you?” you heard him ask and you nodded.

Just as the group of stars came into your view, you felt one of Jake’s hands on your waist, his free hand found yours, helping you keep the balance. A chill moved through your back, but you tried to not show it, and enjoy how close you were seeing the stars.

You had never thought it would look so clear, every star like a ball of light. Some next to others, almost as if they were holding each other, and others were more separated. But if you looked at them with your eyes, they all looked as if they were one big star.

“Those ones are like thrillion miles away.” He explained as you moved away. He moved his hand from your waist but kept the other one holding yours as you stepped out of the stool. “Pretty awesome, right?"

You nodded in silence and he smiled. He took the spot you were previously occupying, but he did not need any support to reach the height of the telescope.

“Can you help me?” he asked, moving his face away from the machine. “I need you to click a small camera that's on the screen. At the right corner.” He pointed at the computer next to the telescope and you nodded. “Thanks.”

You helped him take pictures of stars for a while. You thought that’d be different but it was actually pretty fun to see him excited over seeing stars and you tried to mimic his excitement when he explained you little details about space and astronomy that you had never heard in your life.

Once you went back into the study room, you both got quieter. Jake worked on the computer with the images you took of stars, you were very proud of that, even if all you did was just pressing a button. He worked diligently, wrote on his ipad, typed on the computer, looked at images, wrote numbers and you were fascinated.

“I like… this side of you.” You said without thinking.

“I’ll take that as the biggest compliment ever.” He smiled at you and stopped working. “What’s the other side?”

“Don’t make me say it.” you crossed your arms with a scoff. “I bet the air here makes it better for your brain.” He laughed at the comment. You laughed with him too.

The moments like those happened too often in the next week, and they were confusing you a lot. Much more than you’d like.

“Can I… ask you something?” You said careful when you were walking around the campus on your way to the physics building. He said he wanted to show you something.

“Always.” he responded sternly.

“Are you still friends with the guys… of the bet?”

“No.” he said quickly.

“Why? Besides the bet, they were your friends, I mean-”

“They were but, I didn’t like me with them, you know?” He scratched the back of his neck. “Besides, it’s just fucked up, I fucked up and when I told them they just laughed. I thought they were different.” he chuckled and shrugged. “Besides, Heeseung never liked them.”

You chuckled.

“When he found out about the bet. I think I haven’t ever seen him that mad. Ever” Jake admitted. You chuckled. “He really regretted handing me your number.”

“I bet he did.”

You walked into the physics building, which was so modern in comparison to the classical and old one you had in your class. While yours looked like a castle, Jake’s faculty looked like a rocketship, that was the only comparison you could think of. You got to the last floor in the transparent, glass elevator that allowed you to see every floor and its different rooms that looked straight out of a sci-fi movie. Some had machines that were big, with students looking into them, others were simple classrooms to dictate seminars, but when the elevator stopped Jake led you to one at the end of a hallway.

He opened the door and a group of students were there. All looked like stereotypical physics students, and they looked so cute with their robes. You wanted to see how Jake looked with his robe and in that environment. You’d visit him one day, just to see how he looked.

“Are you still here?” Jake said out loud and the group guys turned around scared, but relaxed when they saw it was Jake.They all seemed around the same age of you two, so you assumed they were classmates of Jake.

“We were saving the project.” One answered and looked at you, with a smile. “You must be Y/N.”

You nodded confused, and looked at Jake who coughed as he scratched his neck, looking at the floor.

“We know you because Jake always talks about you. We are the ones that cover for him when he leaves classes early or arrives late” Other said and the rest laughed.

You looked at Jake and he had his face red, but was smiling looking at you. You never thought that he had been leaving class early, and you felt dumb for not noticing before that he was investing his time on you. You smiled at him.

“These are Felix, Jeongin and Hyunjin.” He pointed at each one of the guys, and they all smiled politely. “And this is Y/N.” Jake gestured to you and the guys chuckled.

You waved, shyly and the three of them chuckled.

“She’s so cute.” Hyunjin said. “I don’t know how you tolerate that piece of shit.” He pointed at Jake with a joking sigh, as he saved his stuff in his backpack. All four of them laughed, and you smiled at the floor, shy.

“You close the classroom, right?.” Jeongin asked, hanging his backpack on his shoulder. Jake nodded. “Bye, Y/N. Nice meeting you.”

You both bid your goodbyes to each one of the guys and soon you were left alone in the room. It had circular tables with chairs around them, as if they were for group working. And at the end of the room there were a bunch of computers, and a normal telescope for stargazing, Jade taught you that, was set pointing towards a window.

You both were left alone. You looked at Jake and he still had red cheeks and was looking everywhere, but to you.

“So you talk about me?” You teased him with a smirk on your face. You understood why he always had a smug attitude, it was fun to do so.

“Of course.” He admitted, shameless.

He walked towards the computers, you followed behind him, admiring how secure he felt in that environment. He sat in front of one expensive looking monitor, pulled the keyboard and grabbed the chair next to him. He placed it right at his side and patted the chair, looking at you.

You sat with a smile. He turned on the PC, and opened a software that was very similar to the one you saw him use at the observatory, just that this one had what seemed to be a 3D image of stars. You looked at him, curious and he explained:

“This is a model I built based on what we found on the observatory. I wanted to show you.” He said shy, looking at the screen. He started moving the cursor around and the image followed him, showing in more detail every star he had modeled. “Some of them have a name.”

“Really?”

“For the analysis it helped me.” He clicked on one and details appeared on a pop-up window. “This one is called Hee. Because it has a small red halo.” He zoomed in closer for you to admire the small red halo around the star.

You laughed and he chuckled.

“This one is you, because it was the one that had the most magnitude.” He clicked one and in fact it appeared named ‘Y/N’. “Basically, it is the brightest of this stellar cluster.”

You looked at the screen. In the small analysis that he wrote, he explained every astronomical thing possible that you didn’t understand, but he ended up explaining that it was his favorite star and he enjoyed analyzing it.

“You put my name in your favorite star because you enjoyed analyzing it?” You asked, feeling a warmth expanding in your chest.

“Yeah, basically” He confessed, honestly.

You stared at him. He stared back with a smile, and licked his lip. Something that you found out he didn’t do to flirt anymore, but unconsciously. You smiled at him, and you had no idea what to do next. Thank him? Ask him more about the star? You were touched, in his own way he brought you into his world, so you did the first thing you felt that showed your gratitude.

You hugged him tight. You grabbed his shoulders and surrounded his neck with your hands, leaving your head resting on his shoulder. It was the first time you ever hugged him. You smiled into the hug, and a second later he reciprocated. Setting his arms around your waist and accommodating his head on your shoulder. You mumbled into his shoulder.

“Thank you.” He just stroked your back, and you two stayed there a few seconds.

He moved back from your shoulder, without breaking the hug and you did the same. He kissed your cheek softly, with a smile.

“Nothing to thank for, pretty.”

After leaving the physics buildings, Jake walked you to your dorm as usual but he said bye with a hug and a kiss on your cheek. Something that he had never done before. You walked up to your dorm with a smile and he walked back with the same smile.

Once you both got back to your respective rooms, you closed the door and asked loudly to the room.

“Do you think Y/N likes me?”

“You think I should tell Jake I like him?

Your respective roommates chuckled, seeing you at your states.

“I don’t know.” Heeseung said, shrugging.

“You should.” Rei said, excited.

Later, Jake sat on his bed, already in his pajamas, ready to sleep. It had been a good day, he had hugged you! Which had been something he had hoped it would happen, but the best part was that you initiated it. He had been over the moon when he realized what was happening, and he realized he never wanted it to end.

His expression probably was too obvious that showed what he was thinking. Heeseung chuckled at his face, Jake had a smile and was looking at the floor like he was enamoured by it. Totally daydreaming.Even with all that, Jake didn’t know what else to say. Apologize again? The sixth time he apologized, you looked at him and said ‘I get it, don’t worry.’ Yet you hadn’t forgiven him, which he didn’t blame. Maybe he should tell you that he liked you, again? He had said it the same amount of times he apologized, not in the same sentence. He didn’t want you to feel pressured or anything, but he wanted you to have it present. Maybe he had to give you hints? He probably wasn’t being clear enough, he had never experienced everything you awoke within him, so he didn’t know what was the right thing to say.

He looked at his phone sighing, about to text you the usual ‘good night’ text he always sent and that now you replied with a small ‘good night for you too’ that made him sleep like a baby. He typed his password and a notification appeared on his screen, a message from you.

y/n: can you come down pls? y/n: i dont know how to get in.

Jake got up so fast from his bed, threw his blankets to the side. Put on his shoes, without tying his laces and rushed to the door.

“What the fuck?” Heeseung asked, getting up too, scared.

“Y/N is downstairs.” Jake answered, closing the door with a loud thud.A second later he opened it again, grabbed his coat and his phone. Now closing it again with the same loud thud.

He was excited that you were there. Were you there for him? Maybe you needed to drop something for Heeseung and he hadn’t answered his phone so you texted Jake to let him know and he was just getting his hopes up. Whatever was the reason you showed up, it didn’t matter to him, as long as he got to see you for a while.

As the elevator arrived to the first floor, he didn’t wait for the doors to fully open. When he was able to exist he did so. You were outside the glass door and when you saw him coming out of the elevator, smiled and waved at him. He smiled back as he rushed to put his fingerprint to open the door. He pulled from the handle bar and smiled at you, out of breath.

“Hi.” You mumbled, shy.

“Hey.” He greeted you with an exhalation, trying to breathe. “You okay?” You nodded with a small smile.

You didn’t know how to approach the topic, and Jake didn’t know what to say or do. So you both stayed in silence for a few seconds, just looking at each other with a shy smile on both your faces.

“I like you.”

“Do you want to-”

You both spoke at the same time, but Jake didn’t get to finish his question. He just stared at you with his face full of surprise, mouth opening a bit, and eyes getting wide, at total loss of words. You chuckled at his reaction. He wasn’t hiding how much your words had affected him. He swallowed hard and grabbed you by the waist to hug you, without any second thought.

You chuckled when he held you tight, and you placed your arms around him. Second hug of the day, and you realized it felt nice to hug him. He smelled like almond soap, which you had smelled before but never from up close. He moved his head back from your shoulder to look at you in the eyes, still with his arms around your waist.

“Are you serious?” He asked in disbelief. You nodded. “You-” He hugged you again with a small laugh, muffled by your shoulder. He doesn’t drop you or move his hand away from your waist for a few seconds, until he breaks the touch, just leaving one hand around your waist, walking you back to the door.

“We are going to celebrate with donuts at the 24/7 place next to your dorm.” He said seriously. ” He looked at you, leaving no room to complain, so you just nodded. “It’s on me.”

The donut store was empty. It was ten at night, so it was expected. When you walked in, at the end there was a student typing on his laptop with his headphones on, and on the other side a girl was scribbling quickly in her notebook, both of them in their own worlds. Leaving you and Jake basically on your own.

He ordered for you two and you both sat on a table next to the window with a box of six donuts, him with a cup of coffee and you with your iced coffee. You both started eating in a comfortable silence, until he asked:

“Does this mean you forgive me?” He looked up with his brows furrowed and his mouth tightened.

You nodded, drinking from your coffee.

“It did hurt me a lot, but… I mean, you kinda proved you care about me.” You shrugged, now finishing your donut.

“I do, a lot!” He said, breaking into a big smile. “And I’ll prove it for as long as you allow me.”

When you went back to your room, Rei was there already, fully tucked in her bed. You walked in with a smile and she arched an eyebrow. You just excused yourself saying you’d take a shower.

When you left the bathroom ready to lay in bed, happy. Wonyoung had appeared and was laying in your bed with her phone in her hand. She waved at you and you narrowed your eyes.

“I’m freshly showered and I’m with my pajamas.” She excused herself before you said anything, tying her hair in a ponytail and continuing scrolling through her phone. She knew how much you hated when people got into your bed with their outside clothes.

“Y/N came in with a smile on her face after hanging out with Jake.” Rei sang, teasing. Wonyoung gasped with a hand on her mouth and sat straight on bed. “Now tell.”

“I told him I liked him” The girls stared with smiles on their faces and Wonyoung You looked at both of them and you were missing three people. “Where are the other ones?”

“They’re at a party, but that doesn’t matter.” Wonyoung continued brushing it off. “So when do you date? Has he asked you yet?” You shook your head no. “He will soon, I feel it.”

“You think so?” You asked, laying next to her and looking at both of your friends. “I haven’t been this close to anything, so I’m nervous.”

“He will.” Rei chimed in, calming you down. “When you got sick, he looked like a lost puppy looking for you.”

You imagine him, outside of your dorm building, looking up when the door opened and you weren’t coming out. With a look on his eyes, that now were more expressive, showing the confusion, and probably with a small pout on his lips. All while holding the cold iced coffee he had brought you that day.

You went to sleep that night, next to your friend hogging your blankets, knowing that whatever happened with Jake, you’d want to take it further.

“The day is pretty” You admired the view as you walked back from the date Jake had taken you on. “Thank you for this.”

He looked handsome, as always, but lately you had seen a glow on him that appeared out of nowhere. His smile felt softer, his eyes and the crinkles around them were one of the cutest things you swear you have ever seen. You felt he was finally being himself, which you appreciated. He looked at you, smiled and placed his arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him.

“Nothing to thank, pretty.” He kissed the top of your head.

Since you hugged and kissed his cheek, you both had fallen in a small comforting demonstration of affections, nothing out of the ordinary. He’d pull you closer whenever you were walking, holding your shoulders or your waist, or he’d kiss your temple or cheek when saying goodbye. The first time he did so, you blushed instantly and he had made it his mission to do it as often as he could.

You were a few blocks away from the campus city. He had taken you to a small place you said you wanted to visit a few days ago, a café that had some delicious pastries. You had insisted on paying when you walked in, but Jake denied it and said that it was on him, end of the discussion. You were surprised when he walked in and said confidently to the person at the entrance: ‘Hi, I’m Jake, I have a reservation’ and they walked you to a table. He told you he didn’t want to taste his luck in case the café was full.

You melted a bit for him.

You walked through a small park, which basically was a rock path and trees next to them. The smell of wet rocks after the rain, made you feel calmer. It was late, probably eight and the sun had already set, and the few lights of the sky were disappearing.

Jake walked next to you in silence. After crossing a street, he had tucked his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground, kicking some rocks that came into his way. You hadn’t noticed that he was nervous.

“I want to be your boyfriend.” He said suddenly. You stopped in your tracks and looked at him, shocked. He stopped walking and looked back with a smirk that masked his anxiety. “You don’t have a comeback for that?” He joked.

“Are you serious?” You asked.

“When it comes to you I don’t joke.” He stood in front of you, lowered his gaze and looked into your eyes. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and held both your hands. His were trembling a little but he didn’t pay much attention to it. “I like you, and I am so sorry for how we started. I don’t know what else to do but to actually tell you how I feel. If you let me be your boyfriend I swear I’d be the be-”

He didn’t finish speaking. You grabbed his face and lowered him until your lips touched. You kissed him softly and he wasted no time in holding your waist, pulling you closer until you were flushed against his body and deepened the kiss. You moved your hands to the nape of his neck, and stroked his hair. He chuckled into the kiss.

“That’s a yes?” He asked, breaking the kiss, but still having your faces close to the other. You nodded with a smile. “So, you are my girlfriend and I am your boyfriend?”

“That’s usually how these things work, Jake.” You teased him and he kissed you again.

“When you come back with smart remarks now I can kiss you.” He moved back and you laughed.

The transition from whatever-you-had to a couple was smooth. All your friends knew because Jake had decided to announce it to the whole world, which were the seven followers in his new instagram account, but he wanted to formally introduce himself to your friends as your boyfriend. Things went smoother than you thought, the girls were wary about him but eventually warmed up, it took them about two months but who was counting?

Jake was, he wanted to be the best boyfriend you ever had. When you told him he was your first, it made him so happy, because you both were in the same place. Both learning how to navigate a relationship.

“You know, when I fucked up, I looked everywhere for how to fix it.” He confessed while looking in front of the road. You looked up at him, curious to what he meant by it. “I watched every movie possible.”

“About people betting on girls?” You joked and he nodded. “Are you serious?” You asked with a surprised expression. Imagining him watching a movie about a guy betting on a girl made you laugh. Even when he fucked up, he was cute. “Which ones did you watch?”

“This one about the sisters.” He tried to remember the name. “Ten things I hate about you, that was a good one and After, too. Those weren’t bad but I did get hooked with all the series."

You stared at him and laughed, loudly.

“Don’t laugh.” He mumbled, grabbing your hands and pulling them into the pocket of his jacket. You kept laughing as his face got redder. Your boyfriend was definitely cute.

Five hours later, you were sleeping peacefully until your phone rang. You looked at the time, one in the morning but you picked it up when you read Heeseung’s name.

“What?” You went straight to the point with a sleepy voice.

“Jake is at the ER.” He said too normal for the information he just gave you. “He wants you to come.”

“What the fuck, what happened?” You sat up quickly and grabbed your bag.

“His appendix.” He chuckled after speaking. “Sorry, it’s not funny. He got appendicitis.”

Before Heeseung finished explaining you had a coat on top of your pajama and your shoes on. You told Rei that you were going to see Jake at the ER, and explained to her. She just mumbled a ‘text me when you are there’ and turned around to sleep again.

You went to Wonyoung’s room and begged her to please drive you. Thank god she was awake. She drove past the speed limit and left you right at the entrance of the hospital where Jake was, you jumped out of the car and she asked you if you wanted her to stay, you told her you were fine and that Heeseung was inside. She made you promise to call her so she’d pick you up, and you walked in waving goodbye to your friend.

“You made it!” Heeseung stood up. Still in his pajamas and with a tired expression. He smiled and gave you a quick hug. You both sat in the uncomfortable plastic seats. “He got into surgery, like ten minutes ago.”

You closed your eyes and an hour later the nurse called for the family of Jake Sim. You both jumped and walked up to her. She informed you that he was okay and would be waking up from his anesthesia, and that once he was awake they’d let you in.

Thirty minutes later, you walked into Jake’s hospital room. He was in his bed with his eyes closed resting his head on the pillow. He looked peaceful sleeping. The nurse to his side took his vitals, but when he heard footsteps opened his eyes and smiled tiredly.

The nurse gave you a nod and left the room after explaining to you that everything had worked and Jake had to be just overnight to see how he evolved but he’d be discharged in the morning. He explained he had to be resting for around two weeks and a bunch of medical instructions that you later wrote on your phone so you’d remember.

“What happened?” You asked sitting next to him in the bed, careful not to move him. He extended his hand that didn’t have the IV so you’d take it. He intertwined his fingers with yours and explained.

“My tummy started to hurt a lot, and Heeseung pressed my side and I cried. He just grabbed me and now I’m here.” He shrugged, smiling at you.

Heeseung chuckled.

“I know how to recognize a broken appendix.” He said smug, sitting on the couch. “Your family is on their way. Y/N called them”

“Did you tell them you were my girlfriend when you told them?” He looked excited and you frowned. That was what he was questioning? You chuckled and stroked his hair with a nod. “You will meet them! Not how I planned but still.”

You had thought of that fact, that you were in your pajamas and looking sleepy and you were going to meet the family of your boyfriend. It wasn’t the best case scenario, but no one planned that Jake’s appendix had to be taken out. You just hoped they didn’t judge you.

An hour later, Heeseung left and asked if you were joining him. Jake answered ‘no, please’ for you, you didn’t plan on leaving, so Heeseung came back to campus by himself. You were left alone with Jake as he started telling you how he felt getting into the emergency room before the anesthesia kicked in. The nurse came and checked his vitals again, and when they were leaving a couple walked in.

You recognized Jake’s parents because you saw Jake’s eyes in them and the same facial structure. You stood up quickly and Jake chuckled at seeing you so nervous. He felt a pain after laughing, so he tried to contain his laugh and what you, looking cute and shy, provoked him.

“Hey” he said to his parents.

“Hi, dear.” His mom greeted him, with a warm smile, kissing his forehead. “You must be Y/N. Jake has told us a lot about you.” You smiled, feeling shy and looking at the floor. “Oh, you are so cute.” She chuckled.

You greeted both of them and they started to chat with Jake. You excused yourself to give them some privacy. You went into the hallway to get something from a small coffee stand that was in the waiting room. You had asked Jake’s parents if they wanted anything from it and they said they were fine, both smiling at you thankful. Which made you feel more at ease, they were being so nice with you.

You bought a coffee, and just as you were getting your phone to pay. Jake’s mom appeared behind you. “It’s on me.” She said to you, without giving you time to protest as she paid. You stared, nervous.

“No, I can pay you.” You spoke, panicking. You wanted to cause a good impression, you didn’t want her to think you were taking advantage of them.

“No need, dear. You put up with Jaeyun so it’s enough.” She said, brushing it off with her hand. You chuckled, still nervous but at least she didn’t seem to think you were taking advantage of her. “He never stops talking about you. We had never seen him so excited about someone.” You blushed at her comment. “You’re so much prettier than he said! We are very happy to meet you, Y/N.”

“Likewise.”

You both walked back to the room as she told you how she almost got a speeding ticket. She had the same eloquence to narrate that Jake had, and every second that passed you felt more comfortable with her. That woman was amazing.

When you both walked into the room. Jake was chatting animatedly with his dad. They both looked at you and Jake smiled.

“See, dad. I told you I got a girlfriend.”

“I can see it.” His dad chuckled. “How do you put up with him?” His dad joked.

You shrugged, teasing. “He’s kinda nice to have around.”

All four of you laughed but Jake said: “Don’t make me laugh, it hurts my tummy.”

After meeting Jake’s parents you knew you wanted him to meet yours too. You didn’t know how to bring it up, and honestly, you were terrified. Not for Jake or for your parents, it was just… it made you shy for your parents to think that you had liked someone and that you now were dating them. It was stupid, but you still wanted them to meet Jake, you knew they’d like him.

When you told your family you had a boyfriend it was through face time. You didn’t know how to bring it up, until you blurted out the information that you had a boyfriend your parents held the phone to their faces in complete silence for what you felt were hours, when it probably was just two seconds. Then they broke into big smiles and teasing, all while singing ‘the small Y/N likes a boy’ You were tempted to hang up on them, but deeply, you were happy that you had shared the information.

One month and two weeks exactly after Jake had his appendix removed it was your mom’s birthday. As he was someone that apparently healed quickly from surgeries, your parents told you to invite Jake home for the weekend. You just texted them an ‘ok’ and when you told Jake he was so excited and started planning on what to say.

The trip on the bus to your house was probably the longest hour that Jake had ever experienced in his life. He didn’t know how to greet them? Hey, in-laws? Hey, miss and mister? He had searched online, had asked you how to refer to them, but what if he slipped out?

“You look so cute together!” Your mom said as you all sat at the table, eating.

Every question that your parents asked Jake, he answered it as if he had studied for a test and was nailing it. He was obviously nervous, but in less than an hour at your house your parents were head over heels for him and Jake’s shoulders relaxed. Yours too.

You were curious where Jake would sleep, you assumed in your room but you didn't want your parents to think anything about you. Jake had the same doubt, but he just straight up asked;

“Is it okay with you if we sleep together?”

You spat the tea on the table. Your parents laughed and Jake got so red that your parents started laughing more. You grabbed a cloth and cleaned the table while Jake explained:

“Not like that, no… I’ll, I mean-”

Your parents kept laughing at how adorable you two looked, but your dad decided to save him from his misery and said:

“Don’t worry. We are fine that you two sleep in her room.”

You closed the door to your room after getting ready to sleep and Jake threw himself to your bed, dramatically. He had brought his own pajamas and he looked so cute mixed with your room.

“I want to kill myself.”

“That was quite funny.” You admitted brushing your hair and braiding it.

He snorted. You turned off the lights, walked to your bed, and extended your hand for him to get up. You opened the covers and he got in without any protest. He accommodated a pillow for you and one for him, and laid his head, still looking at you.

Once you fully laid and were covered with your blankets, he pulled you closer and nuzzled his nose into your neck.

“Can I tell you something?” he said in a low voice moving his face back to look at you.

You nodded. The guy that you had met at the cafe had opened up to a beautiful guy that was honest with you, and worshiped the floor you walked on. His antics still were there but you didn't fight them anymore, you slowly fell for them or teased him back. He had opened up with you in ways he had never done, and every time you were together you were so thankful for having him in your life.

“It might be soon, we have been together for two months now, but I know I love you, Y/N.” He stroked your cheek and you smiled into his hand. “You don’t need to say it back, just so you-”

“I love you too.” You interrupted him.

You moved forward and kissed him softly. He held you close by the waist and deepened the kiss. When you broke away for air, he spoke:

“I still have your copy of Wuthering Heights.”

“I know.” You kissed his cheek and snuggled into his chest as his arms embraced you.

Thank you for reading!

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

it took exactly one thousand four hundred and sixty one days for the phantom scent of cheap vodka and freezing wind to stop waking you up at three in the morning, though the ghost of that fire escape still lingered in the quiet corners of your mind like an unresolved equation. when you left that place, you hadn't just walked away from a campus or a ranking. you had completely dismantled the person you used to be, trading your grand academic ambitions for the unglamorous mechanics of survival.

your gap year was a blurred cycle of alarm clocks and heavy limbs, an endless stretch of twelve hour shifts at a local clinic where you filed medical records until your fingers went numb, all while living in the cramped, humid spare room of your aunt’s apartment. it was an existence stripped entirely of color, defined by the humiliating reality of counting pennies and sleeping on a mattress that smelled faintly of old dust, your already weak pride completely crushed as you watched your peers from afar moving forward while you were stuck in a static loop just to build back a savings account from nothing.

so when you finally saved enough to enroll in your final year, it wasn't at a prestigious institute with wood paneled walls and competitive hierarchies, but at an underfunded commuter university on the edge of the city where the paint was peeling in the hallways and the professors didn't even bother to memorize your name.

there were no numbered lists on the walls there, no brilliant rivals looking over your shoulder to see your methodologies. and for a long time, the absolute silence of it was harder to bear than the pressure ever had been.

you had spent that entire final year like a machine, putting your head down and grinding through advanced clinical seminars with detached efficiency. you completely refused to make friends or connect with anyone, because you were terrified that if you let your guard down for even a second, the overwhelming bitterness of what you had lost would swallow you whole. you finished your degree not with a sense of triumph, but with a quiet relief, your diploma just a piece of paper that proved you had survived the wreckage of your own life.

and now, two years later, you were standing in the sterile, brightly lit lobby of st. jude’s hospital, the heavy glass doors sliding shut behind you with a dull hiss that felt dangerously like a point of no return. you adjusted the strap of your bag against your shoulder, your fingers nervously tracing the sharp edges of the laminated plastic badge clipped to your blazer. you looked at it anxiously, your name printed in neat letters right above the title junior clinical psychologist.

this was supposed to be the fresh start you had spent so much time bleeding for, the clean slate where your past didn't follow you and your bank account was finally stable enough to let you breathe. yet, as you stared down the immaculate white corridor that smelled intensely of bleach and synthetic lavender, your stomach twisted into that same familiar knot of anxiety. the hospital was massive, a prestigious psychiatric and research hub that took only the best graduates. the sheer irony of ending up right back in an high stakes environment wasn't lost on you as you took a shaky breath, trying to steady the frantic beating of your heart.

you smoothed down the front of your trousers, the fabric stiff and unfamiliar, and began to walk toward the human resources department on the fourth floor, your heels clicking softly against the polished floors while you fought back the overwhelming urge to turn around and run. you told yourself you were ready, told yourself that the fragile, broken girl who had cried so much was completely dead and buried. but as you stepped into the elevator and watched the metal doors slowly close, the heavy silence inside felt thick with anticipation, as if the universe was just waiting for you to realize that some ghosts can never be outrun.

the elevator dinged, a soft sound that cut through the loud thumping of your heart. the metal doors slid open to reveal a sunlit floor that smelled faintly of that same lavender soap and old paper. you stepped out cautiously, your fingers still white from how tightly you were gripping the strap of your bag, waiting for the weight of the world to crush you again.

instead, a tall guy with a soft denim jacket thrown over his hospital scrubs detangled himself from the reception desk, a folder in his hand and a remarkably gentle expression on his face.

"you must be y/n." he said, his voice a low hum that didn't carry a single ounce of the cutting authority you had spent four years learning to fear. he smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners in a way that felt completely uncalculated. "i'm daniel. i've been a clinical resident here for a bit of time now. the chief told me to look after you today so you don't accidentally walk into the research labs locked zones."

"good morning." you said, your throat tight, your body still braced for an interrogation about your credentials, your gap year, or the low tier university name printed on your degree.

but daniel just tucked the folder under his arm and gave you a reassuring nod. "don't look so terrified, y/n. we’re glad you're here. let's get you your locker keys first, and i'll show you where the good coffee machine is hidden."

you followed a half step behind him, your shoulder muscles so tense they practically ached because your brain was still operating on old, defensive code.

but daniel just walked at a leisurely pace, his hands shoved into the pockets of his denim jacket, pointing out things that had absolutely nothing to do with metrics or performance.

"the administrative wing is always a bit dry." he murmured, nodding toward a row of frosted glass doors as he guided you toward a back hallway. "but once you get past the main double doors, it gets a lot more human. the lounge is back here. it’s where we hide when the charting gets too mind numbing."

he pushed open a heavy wooden door as the clinical smell of floor wax was immediately replaced by the comforting scent of roasted coffee beans and toasted bread. the room was spacious, bathed in the soft morning light filtering through a row of large windows that looked out over a quiet inner courtyard. there were mismatched mugs drying on a rack by the sink, a half eaten box of donuts on the counter, and a couple of worn in green armchairs tucked into a corner by a bookshelf overflowing with thick psychiatric volumes.

"alright, locker forty two is yours." daniel said, pulling a small silver key from his pocket and sliding it across the counter toward you. "the lock sticks a little bit, so you have to give it a sharp jolt with your thumb when you turn it. go ahead and drop your things off."

you stepped toward the row of gray metal lockers, your fingers trembling slightly as you slotted the key into the lock of number forty two. you gave it the small jolt daniel had mentioned, the metal clicking open with a dull thud. as you swung the door wide, your breath caught in your throat. tucked inside the small shelf at the top was a small, hand painted ceramic mug with a sticky note stuck to the front in neat handwriting: welcome to the department, y/n! we left the good coffee pods in the top drawer for you. — ava.

you stared at the little note for a long second, the ink blurring slightly as a sudden pressure built up behind your eyes. for many years, you had been acting like a ghost, entirely convinced that your academic failure had stripped away your right to be welcomed anywhere. you had expected cold glances, a desk in a dark corner, and the silent judgment of people who had never had to drop out to survive. but this — this unprompted gesture of kindness from a stranger — felt completely upside down.

"ava is one of our occupational therapists." daniel explained softly, leaning his hip against the counter as he watched you trace the edge of the note with your thumb. his voice didn't carry any pity, just a grounding certainty that made you feel like you weren't about to shatter into pieces. "she remembers how brutal the first day can feel. we all do. nobody expects you to be a flawless machine by nine o'clock, y/n. just take a breath."

"thank you." you whispered, your voice thick as you carefully folded the note and tucked it into your blazer pocket before hanging your bag on a hook. "it’s... it's really nice."

once you had put on the mandatory white coat, daniel took you by the elbow, guiding you back out into the hall to begin the real introductions. but instead of marching you into a boardroom to present your credentials to a panel of hyper critical supervisors, the process was incredibly slow, almost domestic.

your first stop was the central nursing station, a horseshoe shaped desk right in the center of the adult psychiatric wing. an older woman with sharp eyes and her silver hair tied back in a neat bun was typing furiously on a computer, a massive stack of patient charts looming next to her elbow.

"may." daniel called out gently, tapping the top of the counter. "this is y/n. she's the new junior clinician taking over the outpatient cognitive behavioral therapy slots."

nurse may stopped typing immediately. she didn't just give you a professional nod and looked back at her screen. instead, she pushed her rolling chair back, standing up to look at you over her reading glasses. your body instinctively tensed, waiting for the standard evaluation look — a calculating glance that measured whether you were worth her time.

but to your surprise, her face softened into an almost maternal smile as she reached across the high desk to squeeze your hand. her palm was warm and dry, her grip surprisingly strong. "ah, the one with the research paper on adolescent trauma responses." she said, her voice rich and steady. "the chief showed us your abstract last week, y/n. it was beautifully written. we’ve been drowning in the outpatient queue, so you are an absolute godsend. if daniel here gives you any trouble or tries to pass off his intake paperwork to you, you come straight to me, alright?"

"okay." you said, a genuine smile tugging at the corners of your lips for the first time all morning. the knot of anxiety that had been sitting in your stomach since you woke up at five o'clock began to loosen, just a fraction, leaving behind a strange ache of relief.

there were no lists on the walls here. there were no digital boards flashing your ranking to the entire department, no suffocating silence in the hallways where your peers almost refused to look you in the eye.

as daniel led you from the nursing station down toward the junior residents' lounge, introducing you to the speech pathologists, the social workers, and the intake coordinators, the world slowly began to regain its color. a guy named niki stopped eating his toast just to show you how to bypass the temperamental paper jam in the main copier. a senior resident named joe paused his phone call to give you a welcoming wave from his office door.

every interaction was small, subtle, and entirely devoid of friction. you weren't a metric to be beaten or a rival to be kept at a distance, you were just another pair of hands arriving to help carry the complicated stories of the people walking through the clinic doors. by eleven o'clock, as you sat at your new desk in the shared lounge, organizing your highlighters and looking over your first week's schedule, you took a deep breath of the sterile hospital air. right there, you allowed yourself to think, for the very first time, that maybe you had actually made it across the river. maybe the survival part was finally over, and you were allowed to just exist.

by twelve thirty, the morning rush had finally tapered off into a manageable hum. you were just finishing color coding your intake calendar when daniel leaned his head through the open doorway of the lounge, his pager clipped to his waistband and a crooked smile on his face. "alright, rookie." he said, gesturing with his chin toward the hallway. "lunchtime. let's get you down to the cafeteria before the neuro research team eats all the spicy pork bowls."

you stood up, smoothing down the front of your coat, and followed him down the long corridor toward the glass elevators. walking beside him felt easy, the hyper vigilant shield you usually wore around senior colleagues, and people in general, starting to feel a little lighter. your feet moved at an unhurried pace instead of the frantic scurry you had spent years mastering.

the cafeteria on the lower level was massive, flooded with bright sunshine pouring through the floor to ceiling glass windows that looked out onto the manicured green courtyard. the space was filled with the chaotic symphony of hospital life — the clatter of plastic trays, the low murmur of dozens of conversations, and the rhythmic squeak of sneakers on polished tile. just as you and daniel grabbed your trays and stepped into the salad line, an insistent electronic beep cut through the noise.

daniel unclipped his pager, his brow furrowing as he read the glowing green text on the tiny screen. he let out an apologetic groan, turning to look at you with a genuinely remorseful expression. "ah, damn it, y/n, i'm so sorry. there’s a critical intake issue down in ward b and they need a senior signature immediately. look," he said, pointing a finger toward a sunlit circular table near the center of the room where a girl with a high ponytail and bright pink crocs was violently waving her napkin at him. "go sit with lily. she’s one of our triage nurses on the psychiatric floor and she knows literally every single soul in this building. she won't let you sit alone, i promise. i'll catch up with you in twenty minutes."

"it's totally fine. thank you so much, daniel." you said, offering him a reassuring smile before balancing your tray in your hands and making your way toward the table.

lily didn't even wait for you to sit down before she pulled out the plastic chair next to her, her face lighting up with the kind of uncritical friendliness that you had spent years believing didn't exist in these kind of environments. "you're y/n, right? the new psych junior? daniel’s been talking about your research abstract for three days straight." she said, sliding her container of sliced strawberries toward the middle of the table to share. "sit, please. tell me everything. how was your morning? did nurse may try to scare you with the intake stack yet?"

"she was actually really sweet." you murmured, sitting down and feeling a genuine chuckle bubble up in your throat. "she told me she would protect me if daniel tried to dump his paperwork on my desk."

"oh, absolutely. may is the undisputed queen of this wing." lily laughed, leaning forward on her elbows, her eyes sparkling with a playful sort of energy. "but don't let the maternal vibe fool you. if you take her designated parking spot in the lower deck, she will systematically destroy your clinical rotation schedule. it’s a known fact."

for the next fifteen minutes, you actually found yourself having fun. it was an intoxicating sensation. you sat there eating your lunch, listening to lily dish out the entire social landscape of st. jude’s in a way that was entirely devoid of malice. she wasn't talking about who was publishing more or who had the highest accuracy ratings. she was telling you about the head of cardiology who accidentally wore mismatched shoes to a board meeting, and the radiology resident who was secretly terrified of the dark. you were smiling, your shoulders dropping completely as you let out a light laugh that felt real, a sound that hadn't crossed your lips in a standard hospital setting since the day you packed your bags into cardboard boxes. you felt like a normal girl, a normal twenty four year old having lunch with a coworker, completely wrapped in the warm cocoon of a life that finally made sense.

"oh, but wait, if you really want to know about the elite tier of the hospital, you have to look at the research tables by the courtyard glass." lily whispered suddenly, her tone shifting from bubbly amusement into a slightly dramatic drop that people usually reserve for campus legends or untouchable royalty. she nodded subtly toward the far end of the cafeteria, where the light from the courtyard windows was so bright it casted long shadows across the floor. "that’s the neuro analytics team. they're basically treated like gods by the administration because their data models bring in millions in grant funding every single quarter. but honestly? they are a bunch of absolute weirdos."

you took a sip of your water, still smiling, completely entertained by her commentary. "why do you say that?"

"because they're all completely socially inept, especially the golden boy resident they recruited a year ago." lily murmured, resting her chin in her hand as her eyes scanned the distant table. "god, the drama surrounding that guy is unreal. he came in from some insanely prestigious ivy league track. top of his class, brilliant beyond belief, the kind of mind that makes the chief practically weep with joy. but he is a literal ice cube, y/n. he’s been here like fourteen months and i don't think a single person has ever seen him actually laugh. all the nursing interns try to flirt with him, because he is honestly hot as fuck, but he just looks right through them like they're statistical noise."

the word hit the back of your throat like a drop of freezing water, your smile faltering just a fraction at the familiar terminology, a faint taste of old anxiety suddenly tingling on the back of your tongue.

"seriously, it’s almost tragic." lily continued, completely oblivious to the way your hand had gone entirely still against your napkins. "he works eighty hour weeks, lives in the high level research labs, and looks like he hasn't slept a full night since 2023. people think the mystery is hot though, i guess. his name is-"

"jake sim." lily said, finishing her sentence with a casual pop of a strawberry into her mouth, completely unaware that she had just dropped a live grenade onto the middle of the table. "honestly, just looking at him makes my own anxiety spike."

the name didn't just ring in your ears. it settled into the marrow of your bones with a dull ache that you hadn't felt in months. for the longest time, you had systematically scrubbed his name out of your vocabulary, burying it under stacks of cheap textbooks, twelve hour filing shifts, and the exhausting routine of survival. your heart did a violent thud against your ribs, and for a split second, your skin prickled with the phantom sensation of that dark balcony.

but as the initial shock rippled through your chest, something strange happened. the ground beneath your feet didn't disappear.

you felt the cool plastic of your new ID badge resting securely against your blazer. you felt the genuine sunlight washing over your shoulders from the courtyard glass, and you looked at lily, who was still sitting across from you, completely safe and friendly. you weren't that empty girl with seven hundred dollars in her savings account anymore. you had clawed your way through the dirt to earn this white coat, and you had built a life out of nothing but your own resilience. you were finally alive, and you were sure the ghost of jake sim didn't have the power to pull you back into the dark.

slowly, you turned your head. your eyes shifted past the crowded tables, the clattering trays, and the laughing interns, tracking the bright midday light until it hit the far end of the cafeteria against the glass panels.

there he was.

he looked so entirely different that it almost made your breath hitch in your throat, a quiet gasp trapped behind your teeth. the frantic brilliance that used to radiate off him like a sunburn was completely gone, replaced by a suffocating stillness that made him look entirely detached from the room around him. he was wearing his crisp white coat over a dark charcoal sweater, a pair of thin glasses perched on the bridge of his nose as he sat slouched over a tablet covered in complex data models.

lily hadn't been exaggerating — he looked utterly hollowed out.

his sharp jawline seemed even more pronounced against his pale skin, his shoulders slumped forward in a total collapse of posture that made him look incredibly small despite his broad frame. the dark circles beneath his eyes were deep and bruised, a physical manifestation of a quiet rot that no amount of ivy league prestige could cure.

he looked like he was suffocating in the very tower he had broken both of you to keep. you sat there and watched him from afar, a strange mixture of old grief and quiet pity twisting in your stomach. you had spent years believing that he had won everything, that his charisma, his intelligence, his money and his status had bought him a flawless path while you were left to bleed in a cramped spare room. but looking at him now, the contrast was blindingly clear.

and then, as if feeling the sudden weight of your gaze cutting through the white noise of the cafeteria, his slouched shoulders suddenly went completely rigid.

jake slowly lifted his head from his tablet. through the thin silver frames of his glasses, his dark eyes scanned the crowded room with a cold indifference — until they hit your table. until they locked directly onto you.

the world didn't just stop, it felt like it imploded. the color completely drained from jake's face within a fraction of a second, his entire body freezing so abruptly his fingers slipped off the edge of his tablet. behind his glasses, his eyes opened with a raw shock that was so visceral you could feel it across the distance of the room. he didn't blink. he just stared at you, his chest rising and falling in shallow hitches as if he were looking at a literal ghost.

the mutual panic between you was thick, a dark wire pulling tight until it bruised. your heart was hammering against your ribs like a trapped bird, the urge to run out of the cafeteria scratching at the back of your throat. because despite the new white coat on your back and the ID badge pinned to your blazer, you momentarily felt like that same broken girl, and he momentarily looked like the boy who still held the pieces.

jake didn't move. his knuckles turned white where his hands gripped the edge of the laminate table, a plastic pen slipping from his fingers and rolling off the surface with a dull click that you couldn't hear across the noise, but saw perfectly. the suffocating intensity in his stare was exactly the same as it had been on that fire escape — a direct line cutting through years of separation like it was nothing but thin air. you wanted to look away, you desperately needed to tear your eyes from his, but your muscles felt like concrete.

"y/n? god, you've gone totally white." lily’s voice suddenly pierced through the static in your ears, her hand warm and solid as it pressed firmly into your forearm. the touch felt like an electric shock, forcing the oxygen back into your lungs and breaking the invisible wire that had been pinning you to your chair. you forced your head down, the movement so abrupt it made the bright cafeteria blur into a messy smear of white and green.

"i'm fine." you choked out, your voice sounding incredibly small, a brittle lie that scratched at your throat. you stared at your tray, your fingers trembling so violently against your napkin that you had to tuck your hands between your knees just to hide the shaking. "just... a sudden head rush. i think the fluorescent lights are just a bit much today."

"are you sure? you look like you're about to faint." lily murmured, her playful energy instantly evaporating into genuine concern as she leaned closer, trying to read your downcast face. "do you want me to get you some juice from the counter? or we can go back to the junior lounge where it's quieter."

"no, no, i'm okay, promise." you whispered, forcing a mechanical smile onto your face as you risked raising your chin just enough to look at her, completely terrified of what would happen if your eyes drifted back toward the glass panels. "just give me a second. i just need to breathe."

but even with your back partially turned and your eyes glued to the table, you could still feel him. his gaze was a physical weight on the side of your neck, hot and heavy, a silent scream cutting through the clatter of silverware and the low murmur of the hospital staff. you were supposed to be safe here. you had bled for years to earn this position, to prove to yourself that your worth wasn't tied to his world, but the mere sight of him had reduced all that hard earned resilience into a fragile shield.

you took a slow sip of your water, using both hands to keep the plastic cup from rattling against your teeth. out of the very edge of your peripheral vision, you saw the distant shadow by the window finally change shape. jake hadn't stood up to come toward you. instead, his broad shoulders had slouched even deeper forward, his head dropping slowly into his hands as his fingers tangled desperately in his dark hair, now stripped of the recognizable bleach from your college years. the sight of his collapse sent a strange shiver down your spine. you weren't better than him, and you certainly weren't healed — the frantic thumping of your heart was proof enough of that. seeing the golden boy of your past university completely undone by your mere existence was a complicated pill to swallow.

"hey, daniel's back." lily said softly, nodding toward the entrance where daniel was weaving through the tables, his expression still hurried.

you swallowed the lump in your throat, smoothing down your coat with numb fingers, preparing yourself to look normal, to look functional, to look like the junior psychologist you were supposed to be. even as the ghost from the fire escape sat just a few yards away, drowning in the exact same room.

"hey, sorry that took longer than expected." daniel said, his voice dropping into the empty space at the table as he slid into the chair across from you. he smelled faintly of the cold air from the lower corridors and sterile hand sanitizer, his presence a grounding burst of normal reality. "some intern completely botched a medication reconciliation chart on a sectioned patient down in ward b. absolute nightmare."

you forced your chin up, the muscles in your neck so rigid they actually ached as you offered him a small nod. you had spent the entirety of your gap year learning how to look perfectly functional when your insides were completely hollowed out, and that defensive muscle memory kicked in now with a terrifying efficiency.

"it's fine." you murmured, your voice sounding a little distant, like it belonged to someone else entirely. "lily kept me entertained."

lily looked between the two of you, her eyes lingering on the way your knuckles were still white around your plastic water cup. "she had a bit of a sudden head rush, actually." she told daniel, her playful tone dropping into something more subdued. "i think the air down here is just a little suffocating today. she went completely pale for a second."

daniel’s brows furrowed, his gaze instantly shifting to your face with genuine concern. "you okay, y/n? the first day is a massive sensory overload, honestly. if you need to sit out the afternoon intake observations, i can easily tell the supervisor you're still adjusting."

"no, really, i'm okay." you interrupted, the words tumbling out a little too fast, a little too sharp. you couldn't afford to look weak on your first day. you couldn’t lose your footing the second you crossed the finish line. and more than anything, you refused to let the boy by the window be the reason you stumbled. "just needed some water. i'm ready for the rest of the tour, daniel. really." you stood up, your knees feeling uncomfortably loose beneath your trousers, your hands gripping the edges of your plastic tray with unnecessary force just to keep them from trembling.

as the three of you cleared the table and walked toward the tray return conveyor belt, you were forced to walk a path that ran parallel to the long row of courtyard windows. you didn't look, keeping your eyes locked strictly on the blue fabric of daniel's scrubs ahead of you. but the human brain is a cruel machine, as it mapped out the coordinates of your oldest wound without your permission.

still, you kept walking, the metal doors of the elevator finally sliding shut with a soft click. as it lifted toward the fourth floor, you kept your eyes trained on the small digital floor indicator, watching the numbers glow in the quiet air, forcing your lungs to expand and contract in a mechanical pattern. you had to keep it together. you had a job to do, a life to maintain, and you couldn't afford to crumble into dust before your first afternoon was even halfway over.

the outpatient psychiatric wing was quiet, a stark and comforting contrast to the sensory chaos of the lower floors. the hallways here were wide, painted a muted sage green that seemed designed to absorb the ambient anxiety of the building, and the harsh fluorescent glare was replaced by soft track lighting that casted gentle shadows against the polished floors.

daniel led you down the corridor, his sneakers making a faint squeak against the floor until he stopped outside a dark wood door with a small plastic nameplate reading office 312 — y/n, junior clinician.

"here's your space." daniel murmured, pushing the door open to reveal a compact but cozy room. a heavy oak desk sat against the wall, a tall bookshelf stood empty and waiting for your texts, and two charcoal grey armchairs faced each other near a wide window that looked out over the quiet tops of the courtyard trees. on the corner of the desk, a thick stack of manila folders was waiting for you — your first real patient intake roster. "i'll leave you to look over the files for an hour. at two, we'll do a joint observation in consultation room b. take a breath, y/n. you made it through the first morning."

you managed a small nod, offering him a professional smile as he closed the door behind him. the heavy wood clicked into place, insulating you from the rest of the hospital, and for a few minutes, you forced yourself to go through the motions of a normal life. you sat in the leather chair, logged into the clinical database, and arranged your highlighters in a perfectly straight line. you opened the first file, your thumb tracing the words generalized anxiety disorder and maladaptive coping strategies, trying to anchor yourself to the clinical reality that you were a professional now. you belonged there.

but the moment the room fell entirely still, the clinical terms blurred on the page, and your gaze drifted helplessly toward the glass pane of the window.

your outside shell was holding up perfectly — you had spoken to daniel, you had accepted the paperwork, you were clicking through the software exactly like a competent junior clinician should. but inside, your chest felt completely hollowed out, your mind utterly hijacked by the image of the boy from the cafeteria table.

you were deeply moved by that moment, and it terrified you how easily the mere sight of him could still rip the air straight out of your lungs. for years, you had carried a defensive but silent anger like a shield, entirely convinced that jake had walked away from your ruined relationship with his hands full of gold. you had pictured him thriving on his prestigious track, moving through his wealthy world with that same infuriating, effortless arrogance, completely untouched by the gravity that had left you counting coins in a dark room.

but the difference between the boy in your memory and the person sitting by that window was devastating. you remembered a jake whose posture was always straight with competitive pride, whose dark eyes snapped with magnetic energy whenever he spoke about his research models. he used to look entirely untouchable, like the world was something he could just bend to his will.

but the guy down there today looked smaller. the way his broad shoulders had slouched forward in that exhausted collapse. the deep, bruised hollows beneath his eyes. the frantic way his fingers had tangled in his dark hair — it was so incredibly easy to see how much he had changed.

as you sat in the quiet of your new office, your hands were still ice cold, the erratic thumping against your ribs a painful reminder that you were still incredibly fragile. but as you reached forward to open the next patient file, forcing your trembling fingers to grip the tab, a strange quiet finally settled over your panic. you were okay. your life was actually starting now and you wouldn’t let anyone or anything mess with that, not even your own self.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the weeks that followed that first afternoon slowly bled into a steady rhythm, the sharp edges of your initial panic gradually wearing down until they were nothing more than a manageable hum. the outpatient wing became a space that didn't just feel safe, but familiar. you learned the strange language of the charting software, figured out exactly how nurse may liked her intake summaries formatted, and found that the charcoal grey armchairs in office 312 actually held the weight of a lot of heavy stories without breaking. to your own quiet surprise, you weren't just getting by, you were actually good at your job. the long years you had spent being hyper vigilant in a spare bedroom, analyzing every slight shift in the air just to survive, finally translated into an intuitive competence. even the socializing part of your life was slowly losing its friction. you found yourself lingering by the central horseshoe desk just to exchange soft, dry humor with nurse may, or letting lily drag you down to the lower courtyard for quick coffee breaks. you were learning how to take up space again, and your outside shell was finally starting to feel less like a fragile shield and more like real skin.

it was a rainy tuesday afternoon in late november when you were just finishing up your notes. as you typed on your laptop, daniel knocked lightly on your open door, a thick blue binder tucked securely under his arm. 

"hey, y/n." daniel said, leaning against the doorframe with a tired but collaborative smile. "the chief is pushing for a cross-departmental review on our chronic outpatient queue. we’re trying to integrate our clinical cognitive tracking with the new predictive data models from neuro-analytics to see if we can catch patient regression earlier. we're doing a quick briefing in consultation room c."

"sure, let me just grab my tablet." you murmured, closing your own folder and sliding it into your drawer. you stood up, automatically smoothing down the front of your coat, the fabric now broken in and comfortable against your shoulders. you felt normal. you felt capable as you followed daniel down the sage green corridor, chatting idly about how his morning went.

when daniel pushed open the heavy door to consultation room c, the air inside was quiet, illuminated by the soft gray light filtering through a high window. a senior research coordinator named dr. vance was already standing by the digital whiteboard, his stylus tapping against the screen as he pulled up a series of complex graphs.

but it wasn't the graphs that made the blood instantly turn to ice in your veins.

sitting at the far end of the long metal conference table, slouched low over a glowing laptop, was jake. his pale fingers were moving across his keyboard in a mechanical blur, reminding you of the agonizing hours you used to spend watching him do that, looking just as hollowed out as he had some weeks ago. his broad shoulders curved inward in that heavy collapse of posture, completely detached from the room around him.

"ah, perfect, the clinical team is here." dr. vance said, looking up from the board with an energetic nod. he gestured toward the empty chairs opposite the table, entirely oblivious to the way your entire body had gone completely rigid the second your shoes hit the carpet. "y/n, come on in, take a seat."

jake’s fingers froze instantly on his keyboard.

slowly, as if the movement required an immense amount of physical effort, his head lifted. through the thin frames of his glasses, his dark eyes fixed directly onto you. the indifference that usually masked his face shattered within a fraction of a second, his jaw tightening so hard the muscle visibly jumped beneath his skin. the color drained from his lips, his chest rising in a shallow hitch that you could hear perfectly in the quiet room.

you looked around nervously, seeing that a handful of people were already gathered around the long metal conference table. dr. vance spoke again, quickly taking you out of your trance. "everyone, this is y/n, our new junior clinician on the outpatient slots. y/n, this is dr. cho from neurology, anna from stats, and over there is jake sim from neuro-analytics."

jake didn't move. his hand was still hovering over his laptop, his knuckles turning a stark white as he waited.

you wanted to run, but you didn’t. you couldn’t. instead, you took a slow, deliberate breath, forcing your outside shell to hold together with an icy efficiency. before the silence could stretch into something strange, you offered the table a polite smile and gave a casual nod in his direction.

"oh, we actually know each other." you said, your voice sounding remarkably light, completely devoid of any weight or history, as if you were talking about an old acquaintance you barely remembered. "jake and i. we went to the same undergrad university. good to see you, jake."

the words dropped into the room like a casual breeze, but across the table, jake looked like he had been physically struck. you actually didn’t know why you had said that, or if it even was appropriate in that setting. but the survival instinct had taken over before your conscious brain could even veto it. it was a defense mechanism, pure and simple — a desperate strike to set the boundaries before both of your expressions could give you away to the entire room. if you made him small, if you treated him like nothing more than an old classmate you casually ran into, then the ghost couldn't drag you back into the dark. you were claiming the narrative before he could even speak, forcing the past into a box neither of you were allowed to open.

"oh, small world! i love when that happens." dr. vance chuckled, completely missing the way the color had entirely drained from your faces. he turned back to the whiteboard, tapping the stylus against the screen. "well, that makes communication easier. y/n, for this pilot, you'll be coordinating your weekly clinical tracking metrics directly with anna and dr. cho. jake is going to be handling the macro backend algorithm on the upper floors, so he'll just be pulling from the shared database."

"perfect, that works great for me." you murmured, sliding into an empty chair next to daniel, completely removing your gaze from the far end of the table.

you opened your tablet, your fingers perfectly steady as you focused on the tracking graphs, completely refusing to look back at him. but even without looking, you could feel the crushing weight of his stare burning into the side of your face.

the remaining twenty minutes of the briefing passed in a dull blur. you kept your eyes anchored to the glass screen of your tablet, your fingers tracing the plastic bezel with a mechanical pressure, completely hyper-aware of how the air in the room had turned thick and heavy.

when dr. vance finally clicked his presentation shut, the sound of chairs scraping against the floor felt like a jarring rescue. you moved with quiet efficiency without looking across the table. you didn't wait to see if jake would stand up, or if the coldness in his eyes would melt into something else. you simply slid your tablet into your bag, gave dr. cho and anna a professional farewell nod, and walked out the door alongside daniel.

the frantic rhythm of your chest didn’t truly settle until you were three corridors away, the heavy double doors of the outpatient wing clicking shut behind you and daniel like a physical shield. you had spent the entire walk down the hallway nodding mechanically at daniel’s casual commentary about pharmacy backlogs, your outside shell perfectly intact, while inside, your mind was a spinning wreckage. you had actually done it. you had looked right into those dark eyes — the same eyes that had watched you break, the same eyes that had haunted every quiet room you had gone in for years — and you had reduced him to a footnote. as you kept walking, the phantom taste of adrenaline left a bitter weight under your tongue.

but you didn't look back. and for the next few weeks, you made sure it stayed that way.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the following days didn't bring a clean break, but rather a slow stretching of time. november bled seamlessly into a frost rimed december, the hospital windows growing opaque with sheets of gray winter rain. you adapted with a quiet precision, rewriting the internal map of your entire life around your new routine and his avoidance. you learned the exact cadence of the neuro-analytics shift changes. you knew never to take the central elevators between noon and one o'clock. you even memorized the specific smell of the fourth floor crossover bridge just so you could avoid it entirely. you told yourself you were healing because you weren't running away, but the exhausting amount of mental math it took to ensure your paths never crossed was a violent proof that he still occupied every corner of your brain.

yet, the hospital was an interlocking machine, and no matter how thick you built the walls of your fortress downstairs, the central server kept pulling your names into the same dark water. every tuesday and thursday evening, you were forced to log into the pilot program's shared ledger to input your clinical outcomes. and there, sitting quietly at the bottom of the encrypted data stream, his digital footprint would appear. j. sim. a timestamp at 7:42 pm. a database synchronization at 2:14 am. you would stare at the glowing gray characters on your screen, your chest tightening with a strange intimacy. you weren't speaking, you hadn't exchanged a single syllable since that morning in consultation room c, but you were reading his insomnia in the margins of the system logs. you knew exactly how late he was staying up, how obsessively he was twisting the code around your clinical notes, while he, on the upper floors, was watching your data drop into his system with the exact same silent regularity. it was a cold war fought in glowing pixels, both of you pretending to be ghosts while leaving digital footprints all over each other's work.

it was a freezing, stormy thursday night when the outpatient wing completely emptied out, leaving you alone in office 312 under the low hum of the fluorescent lights. you were just finishing the final entry on a critical, high risk observation file — a profile that absolutely required the morning analytics baseline — when your screen suddenly flashed a harsh crimson. the system locked. a stark, red diagnostic message blinked against your eyes: 

critical error: data sync corruption. cross-departmental token required for manual override. please report to neuro-analytics hub for physical database alignment.

you stared at the blinking cursor, a heavy knot of dread dropping straight into your stomach. the administrative staff had gone home hours ago. there were no on call tech couriers left on the lower floors. if you didn't manually push the token through before midnight, the patient’s entire chart would wipe, and the blame would land squarely on your pristine new record. you couldn't lose this job. you couldn't let your wreckage ruin this sanctuary.

with trembling fingers, you ejected the local backup drive, your heart already starting that familiar clatter against your ribs as you stepped into the darkened elevator. the numbers on the digital display ticked upward with a terrifying speed.

when the silver doors slid open on the seventh floor, the air instantly changed. floor seven didn't hold the soft sage green warmth of your clinical spaces. it was a sprawling labyrinth of brushed steel, glass partitions, and exposed concrete. it smelled strongly of ozone and expensive server cooling units, illuminated only by the deep blue glow of oversized workstation monitors. your flats made a terribly loud click against the polished floor as you moved through the maze of empty desks, your hand gripping the flash drive inside your pocket until your knuckles turned white.

"hello?" you called out, your voice sounding remarkably small, swallowed up by the heavy silence of the tech hub. "is there a resident analyst on duty? i need a clinical sync override."

no one answered. the silence stretched out, thick and heavy with the hum of a hundred cooling fans. you walked deeper into the heart of the floor, towards a private research alcove at the very back where a single amber desk lamp casted a long shadow across the concrete. the heavy glass door was propped slightly open.

you stepped up to the threshold, your lips parted to speak, but the breath died instantly in your throat.

jake was there.

he was entirely alone in the darkened lab, slouched so low in a heavy leather chair he looked almost broken by it. his white coat was gone, discarded carelessly over a nearby partition, leaving him in just a thin sweater that clung to the sharp lines of his shoulders. his glasses were pushed carelessly up into his messy dark hair, and his forehead was pressed hard into the palm of his hand as he stared blindly at a massive wall of cascading code. he looked utterly unraveled — the charismatic golden boy who used to glide through university lecture halls with a lazy ease was completely gone. in his place was a hollowed out resident, his face starkly pale under the light, seemingly surviving on nothing but caffeine and pure willpower.

the sound of your shallow intake of air cut through the low drone of the servers like a physical blow.

jake’s fingers froze instantly against his temple. slowly, his head lifted, his dark eyes adjusting to the dim light before they drifted toward the doorway. the exact second his gaze landed on you standing there, the exhausted slouch vanished. his entire frame went completely rigid, his jaw clenching so hard a sharp muscle hitched beneath his skin. he didn't move, and he didn't speak, but his chest began to rise and fall in a ragged pattern as the trap slammed shut around both of you. there were no senior coordinators there, no statistics teams, and no daniel to slide between your spaces. you were entirely exposed, locked in his high tower, with absolutely nowhere left to hide.

the silence that followed was so absolute you could hear the faint click of the cooling fans overriding the main server grid. neither of you moved. for five suffocating seconds, you just stood frozen on the threshold, your fingers digging into the plastic casing of the flash drive inside your pocket until the edges painfully bit into your palm. you became hyper aware of every single detail — the amber glow of the desk lamp cutting across his pale cheekbones, the way his dark hair was slightly damp from the storm outside, the crushing weight of his eyes locking onto yours.

almost mechanically, jake reached up and pulled his glasses down from his hair, sliding them back onto the bridge of his nose. the movement was deliberate, a shield to put between his exhausted face and your sudden presence.

"the data sync crashed." you said. your voice sounded shockingly thin in the vast concrete lab, a fragile thread that you desperately tried to lace with clinical authority. "outpatient database. it threw a cross-departmental corruption error. i need a physical token override before midnight or the file wipes."

jake didn't answer right away. he just stared at you through his lenses, his jaw working silently as he processed the actual sound of your voice. it wasn't a casual remark thrown across a crowded conference table anymore, but your voice, directly addressing him, alone in the dark.

"give it to me." he finally muttered. his tone was incredibly low, rough and gravelly from hours of silence and too much black coffee. it lacked any of that effortless charisma that used to make entire lecture halls lean in toward him. it just sounded incredibly tired and incredibly bitter.

you took three slow steps into his space, every muscle in your legs screaming at you to turn around and run back to the elevator. you pulled the small silver flash drive from your pocket and held it out, your arm stiff, keeping as much physical distance between your bodies as humanly possible. jake reached out to take it. he was meticulously careful not to let his fingers brush against yours, a deliberate avoidance that felt more intimate than an actual touch. he snatched the drive, the cold metal clicking against his keyboard as he slotted it into the side of his terminal.

the silence returned, heavier this time, punctuated only by the aggressive clack of his fingers hitting the keys. you stood just a step behind his shoulder, your eyes tracking the reflection of the cascading blue data lines across the glass of his monitors. your heart was hammering a violent rhythm against your ribs, a wild animal trying to break free of your crisp white coat. you didn't know where to look, you didn't know what to do with your hands. you just stood there, drowning in the suffocating scent of his sterile soap and bitter espresso.

"it’s a localized token block." jake said, his eyes never leaving the screen, his fingers moving with a terrifyingly robotic speed. "outpatient didn't clear the analytics queue from tuesday. your department is sloppy."

the petty, defensive swipe hit you like a low blow, a sudden flash of the old undergrad jake who couldn't bear to let you have an inch of ground without indirectly reminding you that he was still number one. but somehow, this time it was really direct. a strange heat flared in your chest, melting a tiny fraction of your icy composure.

"our department is handling eighty intakes a day, jake." you murmured, keeping your face carefully blank, though your tone caught on a sharp edge. "we don't have the luxury of sitting in a quiet glass tower playing with algorithms all night. some of us are actually dealing with human beings."

jake’s fingers froze instantly over the keyboard. the sudden halt of the clicking was jarring, making the empty room feel entirely too small again. he didn't look up at the screen, and he didn't look back at you. he just stared at his own knuckles, his broad shoulders rising and falling in a long, ragged exhale.

"is that what you think this is?" he whispered. the venom was gone, replaced by a bleeding misery that made your stomach twist in a deeply uncomfortable way. "playing around?"

you swallowed hard, the cold knot of internal turmoil tightening until it was hard to draw a full breath. deep down, in the places you spent so much time trying to bury under clinical charts, you knew he wasn't playing. you knew he was suffocating there just as much as you had been suffocating in that humid bedroom. you knew you were both ghosts trying to pretend the haunting wasn't real. but admitting that meant letting the walls crumble, and if the walls crumbled, you wouldn't survive the night.

"i just need the file synced." you whispered back, your voice dropping into that polite detachment that probably drove him insane. "that's all i'm here for."

jake let out a breathy sound, a bitter excuse for a laugh. he finally turned his head, looking up at you from his slouched position in the heavy leather chair. from this close, beneath the harsh light of the lamp, you could see those dark bruises of exhaustion under his eyes. he looked so fragile it made your chest physically ache.

"you're so good at that." he murmured, his dark eyes searching your face with an agonizing intensity, looking for any crack in your mask. "the polite junior clinician. the perfect colleague. you look right at me and you don't even blink. how do you do it, y/n? how do you act like you didn't leave a total disaster behind you?"

"jake, please-"

"i stayed away from that floor for months now." he cut you off, his voice trembling slightly, the flat edge of his clinical persona fracturing completely in the quiet lab. "i checked the schedules. i took the back stairs. i did everything i could because i thought... i thought if i saw you, it would kill me. and then you walk into a briefing, look me in the eye, and tell the chief we're just old university acquaintances." he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his face just inches away from your coat. "we didn't just go to university together, y/n." he whispered, his eyes wide, swimming with a raw mix of resentment and pure unadulterated longing. "and you know it."

your outside shell felt like it was fracturing, tiny cracks spreading across your entire composure as the sheer weight of his words pressed against you. you wanted to scream at him. you wanted to ask him why he was acting like the victim when he was the one who kept the perfect scores, the perfect path, the perfect building while you had to rebuild your entire mind from scratch. but the survival instinct — that icy, brilliant shield — held the pieces together at the absolute last second.

you took a small step backward, pulling yourself out of the circle of amber light, out of his immediate space. "the system log says the override is pending." you said, your voice remarkably level, light, and entirely devoid of any history, as if he hadn't just laid his ribs bare in front of you. you pointed a steady finger toward the glowing green progress bar on his monitor. "is it clear to eject?"

jake stared at you, his mouth parting just a fraction, looking a bit dizzy from the quiet rejection. the raw emotion in his eyes instantly curdled into a defeated vacancy. you had given him absolutely nowhere to put his anger. you had treated his bleeding heart like an inappropriate interruption to a data transfer. without another word, he reached out, clicked the safety eject button, and pulled the flash drive from the slot. he didn't look at you as he held it out, his hand perfectly still, his eyes fixed blindly on the cascading rows of code. "it's clear." he said flatly, his tone completely dropping back into that lower register, devoid of any warmth or friction.

"thank you, jake." you murmured softly. you took the drive, slipping it back into your pocket, and turned on your heel. your flats made that same lonely click against the polished concrete as you walked away from the alcove, leaving him sitting entirely alone in there, drowning in the silence you refused to break.

the second the weight of his presence was lifted, the fragile scaffolding of your composure didn't just crack — it completely crumbled. you hit the button for the fourth floor, your hand trembling so violently your fingernail clicked sharply against the plastic. you dropped your forehead against the cold stainless steel wall of the elevator, your breath coming in short hitches that fogged the metal right in front of your eyes. your heart was hammering a terrifying rhythm against your ribs, a loud thumping that felt less like a pulse and more like a physical betrayal. that was the part that made you want to scream. you had spent so much time convincing yourself that you were whole. you had sat through countless hours of silence in a tiny apartment, learning how to breathe through the memories, forcing yourself to believe that you had outgrown the wreckage of undergrad. he had come to your mind, of course — in the quiet space between sleep and waking, or when the smell of stale coffee hit a room just right. but you thought you had built an ocean between who you were then and who you were now.

yet, one look at him slouched under that lamp, one sound of his voice dropping into that gravelly register, and your body acted like it was still twenty, trapped on that freezing fire escape, completely unraveled by him. you hadn't grown at all. you had just built a very expensive, very fragile glass box around a fire that was still burning.

why was it beating so fast? you thought, your fingers curling into the fabric of your coat, desperately trying to steady the frantic rise and fall of your chest. you’re a clinician. you know the physiology of panic. force it down. breathe in for four. hold.

but your brain refused to follow the clinical rules. because louder than the panic was the sudden prickle of a deep confusion. you didn't even recognize the girl who had just spoken to him. where had that ice come from? when he had looked up at you, his eyes wide and swimming with that confusing gaze, everything inside you had screamed to reach out, to touch the sleeve of his dark sweater, to ask him if he was eating, if he was sleeping, if he was okay. but instead, your mouth had opened and delivered a series of perfectly timed, brutal rejections. you had treated his emotions like a system error.

you didn't fully understand why you were being like that. it was like your brain had split in two: one half dying to scream his name, and the other half operating with a robotic efficiency that felt entirely alien to you. you were protecting yourself, you knew that deep down, but the sheer coldness of your own voice scared you. you had turned into a monster just to keep him from seeing that you were still bleeding.

and then there was his anger. the elevator jolted as it passed the fifth floor, and a sudden wave of resentment washed through your veins, turning the cold panic into defensive fury. how dare he be mad at you? how dare he stand there in his high tower and act like you had packed your bags and walked away because you wanted to? he knew. he knew better than anyone in the world that you hadn't chosen to leave. you had been forced out. you had been completely shattered, reduced to nothing but a hollow shell while he got to keep the perfect scores, the perfect path, the prestigious analytics spot on the seventh floor. you had left because staying would have killed you. it was survival, pure and simple.

and yet, he was looking at you with those resentful eyes, accusing you of leaving a disaster behind, as if he hadn't been the one holding the match. it almost felt like he was angry because you weren't still broken. it felt like he was angry because you had dared to put on a white coat and heal yourself without his permission. which was absurd to think about, if you were honest. you couldn't possibly know what he was thinking anymore, since you barely knew what your own self was thinking at that point.

"you don't get to be the victim, jake." you whispered into the empty elevator, your voice shaking as an angry tear finally escaped, hot and stinging against your cheek. "you don't get to be the one who's hurt."

the elevator chime gave a soft ding as the doors slid open to the warm, safe, sage green corridors of the fourth floor. you wiped your face with an aggressive swipe of your sleeve, drawing your shoulders back and forcing your spine to go completely rigid once more. you stepped out into the quiet hallway, your mind a chaotic storm of confusion and unresolved history, entirely conscious of the silver drive heavy in your pocket.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the days continued anyway, like they always did. people still showed up to work carrying paper cups of coffee, the elevators still dinged every few minutes, patients still talked to you in your office about divorces and panic attacks and impossible childhoods. the seasons shifted almost lazily outside the hospital windows, the trees in the courtyard gradually surrendering their last amber leaves until only dark branches remained against the winter sky.

and somewhere inside all of that ordinary movement, your own life quietly continued growing around the wound. but it wasn't linear, because seeing jake like that had definitely affected you.

some mornings, you woke up convinced that you had finally left that version of yourself behind. you drove to work with the windows cracked open despite the cold, singing softly along to whatever song happened to be playing through the speakers, your fingers tapping absentmindedly against the steering wheel as the city slowly came to life around you. you would stop at the café two blocks from the hospital because the owner had started remembering your order, and there was something deeply comforting about hearing someone smile as they asked, "the usual?".

other mornings, you caught the faint smell of burnt coffee drifting from the staff lounge, and before you even understood why your chest had tightened, you were back inside that library. the old one. fluorescent lights humming overhead, rows of impossibly tall bookshelves, the constant clicking of keyboards echoing through the silence. jake, sitting across from you with one elbow resting against the table, completely oblivious to the fact that he had somehow become the center of your entire peripheral vision. your body remembered him before your mind ever had the chance to object.

and somehow, it happened constantly. someone staying late finishing documentation, someone quietly correcting a typo on one of your shared reports before you noticed it, someone absentmindedly pushing a mug toward you because they knew you had forgotten to eat lunch. the library. him.

you hated that place and you hated that person. you hated how something as ordinary as a shared document could still make your stomach twist. sometimes, while waiting for a patient's file to load, you found yourself staring at the blinking cursor on your screen. and all you could think about was another cursor, years ago, appearing underneath yours at two thirty seven in the morning.

lately, you had begun wondering if you were actually haunted by who you had been whenever he was around instead of just being haunted by him. that girl had lived every single day with her shoulders pulled too tightly together, measuring her own worth against numbers on a ranking board and believing exhaustion was something admirable. sometimes, sitting across from your own patients while they slowly untangled years of anxiety, you almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. you could explain the physiology of chronic stress without looking at your notes. you knew exactly what prolonged hypervigilance did to the brain. yet somehow, your own nervous system still reacted to memories of a university library like it was preparing for impact.

he wasn't even there, hadn't been for months. and still your heartbeat occasionally forgot what year it was.

but life kept insisting on happening anyway. lily had somehow decided you were incapable of eating lunch alone. she would appear outside your office almost every afternoon without fail, leaning dramatically against your doorframe.

"come on." she would sigh theatrically. "if you make me eat cafeteria pasta by myself one more time i'm reporting you to hr."

you always rolled your eyes, but you always went anyway.

daniel started saving you coffee whenever he was on early rounds. nurse may had stopped introducing you as "the new junior." somewhere along the way, you had simply become y/n. people knocked before entering your office because they respected your space. patients asked for you by name. and your bookshelf slowly filled with textbooks, sticky notes, and the tiny ceramic plants lily kept insisting made the room "less clinically depressing."

you even caught yourself laughing comfortably now, without a second thought. real laughter, the kind that reached your stomach before your brain had time to overthink whether it sounded strange. you smiled to yourself when you thought about it while walking down the hallway. even if he was on your mind way more than you would ever want to admit, maybe you were healing. and maybe healing wasn't dramatic after all, maybe it just looked like forgetting to be miserable for a few hours.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

by the time december settled over the city completely, the hospital had transformed. paper snowflakes hung crookedly from the reception desk. someone had wrapped ridiculous gold tinsel around nurse may's computer monitor. a tiny artificial christmas tree appeared in the staff lounge, decorated almost exclusively with anatomy themed ornaments someone from surgery found hilarious.

"hospital dinner next friday." lily dropped the announcement onto your desk one morning.

"mandatory?" you looked up from your notes.

"strongly encouraged." 

"which means mandatory."

"exactly." she grinned. "you're coming."

you instinctively opened your mouth to decline. the old version of you would have invented an excuse before anyone could ask twice. but you were trying to prove that girl wasn't carrying your life anymore.

"...okay." the word surprised even you.

lily blinked. "that's it?"

you shrugged, smiling into your paperwork. "i guess i can survive one dinner."

"daniel!" lily shouted immediately into the hallway. "she said yes!"

somewhere outside your office you heard daniel cheer dramatically. you couldn't help laughing, completely unaware that, three floors above you, another department had received the exact same invitation.

and just like that, friday arrived much faster than you expected. by six thirty, the winter sky had already dissolved into complete darkness, the city streets shimmering under the glow of christmas lights and the reflections of the afternoon rain. you stood in front of your apartment mirror for far longer than was probably necessary, one hand smoothing invisible wrinkles from the dark green dress you had bought months ago and never found a reason to wear. it wasn't particularly fancy, just soft knit fabric that hugged your waist comfortably, long sleeves, a modest neckline. adult, you supposed.

you looked... older. not older in the exhausted way you used to after pulling consecutive all nighters in the library until your eyes burned from staring at statistical outputs. just older in the quiet sense. like someone who paid rent without completely losing her mind every time the letter came. someone who remembered to buy groceries before running out of milk. someone who had somehow survived long enough to become a woman instead of the anxious university girl who always felt like she was desperately trying to catch up with everyone else.

for a long moment, you simply stared at your own reflection, because it still surprised you sometimes how unfamiliar your own face had become. there were fewer dark circles beneath your eyes now and your shoulders no longer lived permanently curled toward your ears. you smiled more easily, more lived in.

your phone buzzed against the bathroom counter.

lily: if you bail i'm literally coming to your apartment

despite yourself, you laughed. "alright." you murmured to the empty apartment. "i'm coming."

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the restaurant occupied the renovated top floor of an old brick warehouse overlooking the river, all warm amber lighting and exposed wooden beams that smelled faintly of cedar and wine. somewhere in the corner, someone had hired a jazz trio to play soft christmas standards that disappeared beneath dozens of overlapping conversations.

the outpatient team had already claimed two long tables near the windows as lily spotted you almost instantly.

"she actually came!" she gasped dramatically, standing up so quickly she nearly knocked over her wine glass.

"i said i would."

"i genuinely didn't believe you." 

"that's a little offensive." 

"i believe it's completely accurate."

daniel looked up from across the table. "look who's voluntarily socializing."

"just... both of you, calm down." you said with a big smile plastered on your face.

"too late." you rolled your eyes, sliding into the empty chair between nurse may and lily.

somehow, the evening unfolded with surprising ease. there was a lot of wine and far too much bread before dinner. someone from physiotherapy confessed to accidentally walking into the wrong patient's family meeting three months earlier and somehow staying through the entire conversation before realizing. even nurse may laughed hard enough that she had to remove her glasses to wipe her eyes. you found yourself laughing too, to the point it left your stomach sore.

at one point, daniel disappeared only to return balancing six tiny desserts because “the kitchen made extras”, as lily insisted everyone rank them. you looked around the table, watching everyone interrupt each other with easy familiarity, and something inside your chest settled.

this was yours. not borrowed, not temporary. for years, you had imagined adulthood as some distant destination where everyone magically stopped feeling afraid. instead, it turned out to look like shared desserts, inside jokes, coworkers arguing over cheesecake. people instinctively saving you the seat beside them because it had simply become your seat. you hadn't fully realized how lonely you had once been until loneliness quietly stopped being your default.

you reached for your wine glass, smiling to yourself, as you heard the restaurant door open again. a burst of freezing december air swept briefly across the room as another large group stepped inside, voices overlapping while they shrugged snow from their coats.

"the research team finally made it." someone near the front called out.

your smile didn't disappear immediately, simply stalling as the glass stopped halfway to your lips. before you even looked, something deep inside your body had already recognized the shift. the old instinct returned with terrifying speed, making your shoulders stiffen and your heartbeat stumble. it wasn't logic, it wasn't reason. it was the same invisible thread that had once taught your nervous system to locate him before your eyes ever did.

slowly, almost against your own will, you turned your head. the research department filtered inside in small clusters, shrugging wool coats off their shoulders and stamping the december cold from their shoes as laughter spilled ahead of them. someone was already apologizing for how late they were. another person was carrying three bottles of wine balanced awkwardly against their chest while everyone argued over where they were supposed to sit.

for a brief, irrational second, you almost convinced yourself he hadn't come. your eyes skimmed over unfamiliar faces. someone from neurology, anna from statistics, dr. cho, another resident you vaguely recognized from the briefing.

and then, there he was. he had stopped just inside the entrance, one hand still wrapped around the strap of his messenger bag, quietly waiting for everyone else to move before he stepped further into the restaurant. he never really had been much of a loud entrance, as he had never had to do that for people to look at him. even now, he instinctively lingered toward the back of the group, waiting for everyone else to find their seats before quietly slipping into one of the empty chairs near the opposite end of the restaurant. someone from cardiology immediately reached over to steal his coat, draping it over the back of another chair before he could protest. another coworker slid a glass of red wine into his hand with an exaggerated grin.

"about time you showed up, sim."

"traffic." he answered simply.

"you've been saying traffic for two years."

jake only gave the smallest shrug before taking a slow sip from his glass, his attention already drifting toward whatever conversation dr. cho had started beside him.

you looked away almost immediately. or at least, you tried to, because for some reason it was embarrassingly difficult. your eyes kept wandering back toward the other side of the room without your permission, catching tiny glimpses between shoulders and half empty wine bottles.

he looked tired, painfully so. even sitting down, his posture carried that same quiet collapse you had noticed since that day at the hospital, his broad shoulders rounded forward as if the weight of the last years had physically settled across his back.

for the first hour, the two of you became experts at pretending the other didn't exist. you laughed with lily, he spoke quietly with his team. you reached for another piece of bread, he accepted another glass of wine. the restaurant buzzed louder around you as more bottles appeared across the tables, conversations dissolving into overlapping stories that no one bothered to finish.

someone convinced the jazz trio to play something more upbeat. chairs scraped across the wooden floor, departments slowly blurring together. and somewhere between the third glass of wine and dessert, something shifted. it was so subtle you almost convinced yourself you had imagined it.

"...that's absolutely not what happened." jake suddenly laughed as you heard his voice. just a short, genuine laugh that escaped him before he seemed to remember himself, one hand instinctively coming up to rub at the bridge of his nose as if he was almost embarrassed by the sound.

your stomach tightened immediately. before you could stop yourself, your eyes wandered back across the room. he looked lighter, only slightly. the exhaustion hadn't disappeared. the dark circles were still there, his shoulders still carried that familiar collapse, and he still looked like someone who hadn't slept properly in months. but the tension around his face had loosened and his posture wasn't so rigid anymore. the wine glass sat forgotten in one hand while the other moved absentmindedly through his hair, and every now and then another small smile slipped past whatever wall he had been holding up all evening.

it was so fleeting, so painfully familiar. for a terrifying moment, you could almost see him again. not the hollow man from the seventh floor, but the boy from the library. the one who used to lean back in his chair after proving an entire lecture wrong. the one whose eyes quietly brightened whenever a discussion became interesting enough to make him forget everyone else was in the room.

your chest ached, because for the first time in months, he didn't just look tired. he looked like himself.

"okay, okay." anna was sitting beside him as she nudged his shoulder with hers. "tell them about the python incident."

jake immediately covered part of his face with one hand. "absolutely not."

"you literally crashed the whole server." 

"temporarily."

"for six hours." 

"still temporarily."

more laughter. she reached over and shoved his shoulder. he shoved hers back, gently. the kind of thoughtless physical familiarity that only existed between people who had spent enough time together. you stared for one second too long, something ugly twisting unexpectedly inside your chest. it wasn't anger, it wasn't even jealousy. not exactly.

in the blink of an eye, he smiled. really smiled. without thinking, your fingers tightened around the stem of your wine glass, the feeling arriving before you could name it. sharp, old, humiliatingly familiar.

it wasn't that anna was beautiful, it wasn't even that they seemed particularly close, you thought. it was something much quieter than that. watching him from across the room suddenly felt exactly like sitting several rows behind him during undergrad. there he was, surrounded by people, responding effortlessly. moving through conversations with that strange, quiet ease you had spent years trying to understand.

and there you were, watching again. your stomach twisted, and it was ridiculous. you weren't twenty anymore, you weren't measuring yourself against the people around him. you had your own table now, your own coworkers, your own life. lily was halfway through telling daniel an impossibly dramatic story beside you, nurse may was arguing with someone from emergency medicine over whether tiramisu counted as a proper dessert, and three people had already saved you a seat without even asking.

you belonged there, you knew you did. so why did your body suddenly forget? why did one glimpse of him smiling make every old insecurity crawl quietly back beneath your skin? it reminded you of every library walk where he somehow managed to make everyone else laugh before answering your questions with impossible seriousness. every hallway where he had effortlessly exchanged conversations with strangers before turning toward you with that unreadable expression that always made your heart start sprinting.

every moment you had wondered why is it always different with me?

the thought slipped into your mind so naturally it frightened you, although it wasn't a new one. it was actually an old thought you had spent years burying beneath degrees, rent payments, patient notes, and carefully constructed adulthood. but apparently, it had never really left.

you took a slow sip of your wine, letting the heavy liquid burn softly down your throat until the glass was nearly empty. you needed the alcohol to work a little faster. you needed it to dull the sharp edge that had taken over your body the second he walked through the door.

lily leaned into your space, completely oblivious to the quiet storm inside your head, her face flushed red from three generous glasses of cabernet. she clinked her glass against yours with enough drunken enthusiasm to spill a few dark droplets onto the wooden table.

"to surviving a full year of institutionalized chaos!" she announced, her speech slurring just enough to prove she was well past her limit.

"to survival." you echoed softly, forcing a small smile that felt a little too loose around the edges.

as the night stretched past eleven, the atmosphere in the restaurant shifted. the waiters cleared away the heavy ceramic dinner plates, replacing them with seemingly bottomless carafes of wine, amber glasses of bourbon, and small plates of shared desserts. the jazz trio packed up their instruments, leaving behind a warm hum of overlapping voices, clinking crystal, and unfiltered laughter.

the invisible walls between the departments finally began to dissolve. chairs scraped across the wooden floor as people stood up to stretch, drifting toward other conversations. dr. cho carried two open bottles of red over from the research table, pulling a chair right next to daniel, while a few junior analysts squeezed in near lily. before you fully understood how it had happened, the distinct tables had merged into one giant, chaotic circle.

jake was sitting four seats away from you. he had moved with dr. cho, carrying his glass of whiskey, his coat long forgotten over the back of a distant chair. his dark charcoal sweater was pulled up slightly at the forearms, revealing the sharp lines of his wrists. the alcohol had fully softened him, too. the rigid posture he usually wore like an armor had loosened into something fluid and relaxed. he was leaning back, one ankle resting over his opposite knee, his dark eyes glinting under the warm overhead lanterns as he listened to dr. cho speak.

he still wasn't looking at you directly, but he didn't have to. the air between you felt thick, charged with an invisible static that made your skin prickle every time he shifted in his chair.

"alright, listen up." dr. vance announced, standing up at the head of the merged table and tapping his fork against his water glass. his face was bright red, his tie loosened at the collar. "it is officially past midnight, which means the formal portion of this dinner is dead. before we all start ordering cabs, we're doing the annual game."

a collective groan rippled through the table, followed instantly by boisterous laughter.

"no, listen." dr. vance insisted, waving a hand. "two truths and a lie: clinical training edition. three statements about something embarrassing or unprofessional you did during undergrad or residency. the table votes on the lie."

"this is an hr trap." daniel called out, grinning into his beer. "i refuse to self-incriminate."

the game started off fast and messy, fueled by the sheer volume of alcohol everyone had consumed over the last four hours. daniel confessed to falling asleep inside a sterile supply closet for five hours during an overnight er shift. nurse may admitted she had once accidentally thrown away an entire box of research samples in her first week as a nurse and spent two hours digging through the hospital dumpster to retrieve them.

the room echoed with laughter, glasses sloshing, people shouting out guesses and arguing over who was the worst liar. you laughed along, feeling the heavy warmth of the wine creeping deeper into your veins, softening the sharp corners of your mind until your chest felt pleasantly numb.

and then the rotation reached the far side of the circle.

"sim." dr. vance pointed a finger down the table. "you're up. give us something good. the analytics prodigy must have screwed up at least once in his life."

jake let out a low chuckle, a sound so smooth and gravelly it sent a traitorous wave of heat straight down your spine. he swirled the amber liquid in his glass, looking down for a long moment before tilting his head up. he looked loose, effortless, and entirely too handsome, the dark fringe of his hair falling slightly over his forehead. you hated it so much.

"fine." jake said, his voice carrying easily over the quieted table. "one: i once completely slept through a third year observational trial and woke up with my forehead stuck to my own diagnostic notes." a few people tutted in disbelief. "two." he continued, a faint smirk touching the corner of his lips as he glanced casually toward dr. cho. "i accidentally corrupted a full semester's worth of conditioning data because i let an uncontrolled variable slip into the trial."

"oof, painful." daniel muttered, taking a drink.

"three." jake said softly, swirling his glass, his voice dropping into that magnetic register that used to hold whole lecture halls captive. "i spent an entire night locked inside the third floor library stacks because i refused to leave until i solved a statistical anomaly."

the table immediately erupted into loud debate.

"one!" lily called out instantly. "you would never sleep through a trial, jake."

"no, the library." anna chimed in from beside him, leaning in close enough that her shoulder brushed his sweater, smiling up at him with drunken fondness. "jake wouldn't need to stay a whole night there just to solve that."

jake didn't answer right away. he just sat there, holding his whiskey, letting the smirk linger on his face as he let everyone throw out their guesses. he was clearly enjoying the easy attention, looking every bit like the charming boy from undergrad who always held all the answers.

you sat quietly, your fingers coiled loosely around your glass. the alcohol in your blood was humming softly, stripping away the careful adult mask you had worn all evening. you knew the answer, and you knew it with a devastating certainty. you remembered those third floor library stacks. you remembered the rain against the tall windows, the stacked manuals, and the way he had sat across from you, staring at a set of results that refused to neatly align with his theories. but it hadn't only been a statistical anomaly he was trying to solve. it had been an argument with you. a night where his logic had completely failed him, where his careful control had cracked under the weight of something he couldn't measure or code.

and you remembered the conditioning trial, too. there hadn't been an uncontrolled variable.

you didn't shout. you just leaned back slightly in your chair, your voice soft, almost offhand, as if you were merely offering a passing observation about lab methodology.

"it's two." you murmured into the lull of the conversation. you were clearly drunker than you thought, because sober, you would have bitten your tongue raw before saying anything that publicly linked your name to jake's. you were the one who had built the wall between you in the first place, forcing the silence on the distance. but watching him sit there — so relaxed, giving away his quiet charm to everyone else after all this time — a petty needle twisted under your skin. you needed to prove, if only to him, that despite the cold front, you still held the blueprint to who he actually was. that no one else at this table knew him deeper than you did.

jake’s head snapped toward you. the lazy smirk on his face vanished in a single second. the relaxed posture melted away, his broad frame going rigidly still as his dark eyes locked onto yours across the small gap separating your chairs.

"what makes you say that, y/n?" dr. vance asked, looking amused, taking a slow sip of his drink.

you didn't break jake's gaze. you offered an indifferent shrug, your face remarkably calm, light, and perfectly unbothered, though your pulse was thumping a rapid beat in your throat. you let him see the quiet weight in your eyes — a message meant exclusively for him, completely invisible to everyone else at the table.

"because his data is always clean." you said softly, your tone smooth and conversational. "he doesn't let variables slip in by accident. he only abandons a trial when he realizes he can't control the outcome."

a light chuckle went around your side of the table. "damn, spoken like a true former lab mate." daniel joked, taking another sip of his beer, completely missing the radioactive underlying current. "she's got your number, sim."

dr. cho laughed softly, clapping jake on the shoulder. "she's right, jake! you never make reckless mistakes in methodology. you just scrap the whole project when it gets complicated!"

the rest of the table laughed along, accepting the comment as nothing more than a witty jab at his well known academic perfectionism.

but jake didn't laugh. he sat completely frozen, his fingers tightening around his whiskey glass until his knuckles turned a sharp white. the effortless charm he had been displaying all evening was completely gone, stripped away by two quiet sentences that no one else in the room understood.

he stared at you across the dark wood, his dark eyes wide and burning with an intensity that made the rest of the noisy restaurant fade into complete background noise. to the rest of the hospital staff, you had just made a clever joke about his undergrad work ethic. but to jake, you had just looked him dead in the eye and told him that you knew exactly who he was.

the game dragged to a messy, awkward close. jake eventually confirmed the lie with a quiet nod, forcing a faint smile that vanished the second people stopped looking at him. after that, he completely checked out. he just sat back in his chair, staring into the ice melting in his glass, letting the drunken chatter flow right over him.

you noticed every single second of it, of course you did. and you hated yourself for it. you hated that even after four glasses of wine, your brain was still wired to track every micro-shift in his posture.

by one in the morning, the restaurant was finally emptying out. people were slurring affectionate goodbyes by the coat rack, making ridiculous promises for weekend plans no one would keep. lily had disappeared to the bathroom with two pediatric nurses twenty minutes ago.

your head was swimming, your chest tight and claustrophobic from the heat of the room and the great amount of alcohol in your body, so you pushed open the side door and walked outside. the december air hit you like a physical punch. it ripped the warmth straight from your skin, replacing it with a freezing draft that burned your throat and made your eyes water. you leaned your forearms against the cold iron railing, staring down at the churning water from the river below, letting the cold air try to sober you up.

the heavy metal door behind you creaked open, then slammed shut against the frame.

you didn't even have to turn around. the smell of cold wool, dark rain, and bitter whiskey reached you before he even took a step.

"you just had to do that, didn't you?" jake said. his voice wasn't gentle. it wasn't quiet or tragically polite. it was rough, raspy, and thick with alcohol, carrying a defensive bite that cut straight through the freezing wind.

you slowly turned around, resting your back against the iron railing. he was standing four feet away under the dull yellow bulb of the emergency light. his coat was unbuttoned, his dark hair messy and blowing in the wind, his hands jammed aggressively into his pockets. his face was flushed from the cold and the whiskey, his dark eyes wide, bloodshot, and completely stripped of that calm composure he had spent all evening hiding behind.

"do what, jake?" you asked, your voice trembling from the cold, the wine and the anxiety, but your chin tilted up, refusing to back down.

"back there." he snapped, taking an erratic step toward you. "the little commentary on my data. you just couldn't help yourself, could you? you had to sit there in front of the whole department and make sure everyone knew you had some secret, superior insight into how my brain works."

a sharp laugh escaped your throat, turning to mist in the freezing night. "are you serious?" you hissed, stepping out of the shadow of the railing, right into his space. "you sat at that table for two hours giving everyone else your charming little routine, telling a cute little story about undergrad like it was some funny glitch in your pristine record. you were rewriting it, jake. you sat there acting like it was all just lab work, like it was nothing!"

"because it has to be!" he shouted, his voice cracking violently, the loud sound echoing off the wet brick walls of the alley. he looked completely unraveled, his jaw clenching so hard you could hear his teeth grind together, the sheer chaos of his state finally spilling over. "you think i want to stand in front of twenty people and talk about how it actually was?" he rasped, his eyes burning into yours with a terrifying intensity. "you think i want dr. vance or anna or daniel looking at me and knowing that i spent years obsessed with you? you think i want a room full of coworkers knowing that you're the reason i haven't slept a full night in-?"

the admission hit the cold air like a physical blow. the breath vanished from your lungs, your heart hammering a wild beat against your ribs. "what the fuck are you saying, jake-"

"no, y/n, listen to me." he choked out, quieter now. "you act like you're the only one who got wrecked. you stand here looking at me like i'm some cold, unfeeling bastard who walked away without a second thought. but you're the one who ran! you packed your bags, you left the town, you deleted your number, and you built this whole neat new life where you get to pretend i was just a bad habit you outgrew!"

"i ran because i had no choice!" you screamed back, tears finally spilling over your lashes, scalding hot against your frozen cheeks as you forced yourself not to punch his chest. the alcohol was making your entire body shake, dissolving whatever polite restraint you had left. "i also ran because staying near you was making me lose my fucking mind. and i genuinely do not understand why you would even look at me like... like i broke your heart!"

"because you did!" jake roared as he surged forward, his hands flying out to grip the freezing iron railing on either side of your head. he caged you in completely, his tall frame blocking out the streetlights, his chest heaving erratically just inches from yours. "you were breaking it every single day! and you're still doing it, y/n."

he stopped, his breathing coming in ragged hitches that tore through the quiet night air. the sudden, explosive burst of anger seemed to completely drain him, leaving nothing behind but a hollow exhaustion. his broad shoulders slumped forward and he dropped his head, staring blankly at the metal grate beneath your boots as if he couldn't bear to look at your face anymore.

"i can't do this." he whispered, his voice dropping into a ruined scrape that almost sounded like a plea. he squeezed his eyes shut, his knuckles turning an intense white against the black iron. "i can't sit at a dinner table and watch you laugh with everybody else. i can't watch you build a life that i'm not allowed to touch. and i definitely can't sit there while you drop little pieces of our past into the conversation like it's just some lighthearted trivia."

"why?" you choked out. your hands moved entirely on their own, pulling out of your warm pockets to grab the heavy wool lapels of his open coat. you twisted the fabric into your fists, holding onto him because the ground beneath you suddenly felt like it was violently tilting. "why does it hurt you so much?" you begged, your voice shattering on the last word, the sharp december wind stinging the tear tracks on your face as you forced him to finally look at you.

jake pulled his head back just an inch, his hand sliding down to wrap his cold fingers tightly around your wrist, squeezing until the pulse thumping against his palm was impossible to ignore. he stared down into your eyes with an expression of unadulterated ruin — his dark irises wide, bloodshot, and completely devoid of any remaining pride.

"because every time you open your mouth and mention back then..." he whispered, his voice cracking on a painful exhale. "it proves you remember everything. it proves it wasn't a bad dream i made up in my head to keep myself awake at night. you were real. we were real."

he swallowed hard, the sharp line of his throat bobbing as a furious tear finally escaped his lashes, tracking down the high curve of his pale cheek. he didn't wipe it away. he didn't care that he was completely unraveling under that dull yellow light, bleeding out in front of the only person who had ever known how to dismantle him.

"and knowing that you remember it..." he choked out, his chest heaving as he pulled your trapped hand up, pressing your palm flat against the erratic pounding over his own heart. "and knowing you still walked away... knowing you're standing here right now, alive and whole and surviving just fine without me, tells me that i'm the only one who didn't make it out of that library alive."

the frantic rhythm of his heart beating against your palm felt like a live wire. it burned through the freezing cold, through the thick haze of the wine, straight into your bones. you stared at him, at the single tear tracking down his cheek, and the sheer gravity of what he had just confessed threatened to crush you completely.

you couldn't breathe. the alleyway spun around you, the ground tipping dangerously beneath your boots. if you had been sober, you might have folded into him. you might have let the grief swallow you both whole. but the alcohol in your bloodstream was a vicious thing, magnifying your terror as much as your longing. if you believed him now — if you let yourself lean into this unguarded version of him — you would be gambling everything. because tomorrow, when he was sober, he could take it all back. and that would kill you. you wouldn't survive a second heartbreak.

"no." you breathed out, your voice trembling so violently you could barely form the word. you tried to pull your hand away, but his grip was iron tight, his fingers digging into your wrist like he was drowning.

"jake, stop." you pleaded, shaking your head frantically. "stop talking. you're drunk."

"so are you." he rasped, refusing to let go, his dark eyes searching your face with a desperate starvation.

"which is exactly why we can't do this!" you cried, finally wrenching your hand out of his grasp with enough force that you stumbled a half step backward, your shoes slipping slightly on the icy grate.

the sudden loss of contact made the freezing december air rush back in, biting viciously at your skin. you wrapped your arms tightly around your own waist, shivering violently, trying to hold your own ribcage together.

"we're drunk, jake." you choked out, the tears freezing as they fell down your cheeks. "you've had god knows how much whiskey, my head is completely spinning, and you're standing out here in the freezing cold telling me that i destroyed you. what am i supposed to do with that? what do you want me to say?"

"i want you to believe me!" he shouted, throwing his hands up in a sudden burst of frustration, his balance wavering just a fraction. he ran a shaking hand fiercely through his windblown hair, looking entirely lost. "i want you to stop acting like i'm making this up! y-you always fucking do this, y/n."

"but how can i believe you?!" you yelled back, your chest heaving, the raw truth finally ripping its way out of your throat. "you want me to believe this? now? after years of complete silence? you want me to accept this just because we had a few drinks and your perfect pride finally slipped?"

jake flinched. the accusation hit him squarely, stripping away the frantic energy and leaving him looking incredibly hollow. "you think this is just the alcohol?" he asked, his voice dropping into a dangerous, quiet rasp.

"i think the alcohol is the only reason you're talking at all." you shot back, your voice breaking on a sob you couldn't swallow down. "tomorrow morning, the whiskey is going to wear off. and you're going to go right back to being the untouchable sim jake. you're going to walk past me in that damn hallway and you are going to regret every single word you just said."

"that's bullshit, y/n, and you know it." he snapped, taking another unsteady step toward you, the anger flaring back up in his dark eyes.

"is it?" you challenged, stepping back until your spine hit the brick wall of the alley, leaving nowhere else to run. "we've spent months treating each other like strangers. you flagged my files, i ignored you in meetings, you looked right through me. and now you expect me to just... what? forget everything because you had too much bourbon and decided to feel sorry for yourself?"

jake stopped dead in his tracks. he looked at you for an agonizing moment, the mist curling between your bodies in the freezing dark. the anger in his face slowly died, replaced by a devastating defeat. he looked like a man who had just played his very last card, only to realize the game had been over for years.

"you really think that little of me." he whispered. it wasn't a question. it was a surrender.

"i think we're both a mess." you cried softly, swiping angrily at your wet cheeks, though the tears just kept coming. "i think we're completely wrecked. and i think if we keep doing this tonight, if we keep standing out here tearing each other apart while we can barely stand straight, we're going to permanently destroy whatever functional pieces we have left."

jake didn't argue. he didn't surge forward again, and he didn't try to touch you. he just stood there in the cold, his coat blowing in the wind, staring at you with an expression so hopelessly sad it made your stomach physically hurt. the alcohol was still humming loudly in your veins, making the silence between you feel dizzying and thick. there was no resolution, there was no comfort. there was just the bitter cold, the heavy smell of whiskey, and the terrifying realization that you were both bleeding out, and neither of you had any idea how to stop it.

the heavy metal door behind jake suddenly flew open with a loud clang, the sharp sound slicing through the suffocating silence like a knife.

"hey! there you guys- whoa." daniel staggered out onto the small space, his tie completely undone and hanging loosely around his neck, a lopsided drunken grin plastered across his flushed face. he was holding a half empty bottle of cheap champagne by the neck, his balance wavering just enough that he had to grab the doorframe to steady himself. he was completely oblivious to the wreckage he had just walked into.

"man, it is like... polar vortex out here." daniel slurred, shivering dramatically as he looked between the two of you. his eyes were unfocused, blinking slowly in the dim yellow glow of the emergency light. "what are you guys doing? having a secret research meeting without me? that's... that's academic betrayal, sim."

the snap of the reality shift was instantaneous, violent, and physically sickening. the exact second daniel’s boots hit the metal grating, the raw version of jake vanished. it was like watching a shutter slam down over a window. his broad shoulders instantly went rigid, his jaw locking into a tight line as he took a deliberate step back from you, pulling himself out of your space entirely.

he turned his head away, his long fingers flying up to aggressively rub at his eyes, wiping away the trace of that furious tear before daniel could track it. when he dropped his hand, his face was a mask of unreadable exhaustion. but it was clumsy, frayed around the edges by the sheer volume of whiskey in his system.

you froze against the brick wall, your heart slamming frantically against your ribs. your hands were still shaking so violently you had to shove them deep into your coat pockets just to hide the tremors. you choked down a ragged sob, the taste of wine and bile burning the back of your throat as you forced your face into something that hopefully resembled sobriety.

"we were just getting some air, daniel." you said, your voice coming out thin.

"air? you're gonna freeze your liquid assets off." daniel chuckled, entirely amused by his own terrible joke. he staggered a step closer, swinging the champagne bottle loosely. "everyone's bailing. you guys want to split an uber to the north side?"

"i'm fine." jake cut in. his voice was a low rasp, entirely stripped of the roaring anger from moments ago, but carrying a vibrating tension that made your chest ache. he wouldn't look at you. he kept his dark eyes fixed firmly on the collar of daniel's shirt, his hands jammed back into his unbuttoned coat. "i'm walking." jake muttered, his speech just slightly thicker than usual, betraying how drunk he actually was.

"walking? sim, it's literally freezing rain." daniel laughed, reaching out to cloddishly pat jake's shoulder. "don't be a hero. come on."

"i said i'm walking, daniel." jake snapped. the sudden edge in his tone made daniel blink, his drunken grin faltering for a fraction of a second as he sensed the radioactive field of tension vibrating between the two of you.

jake didn't wait for a response. he finally turned his head, his dark eyes locking onto your face for one final second. there was no anger left in his gaze. there was only that same hopeless ruin. a quiet warning that everything you had just done out here was going to follow you both into the morning.

he blew past daniel, his heavy shoulder brushing yours as he pushed open the metal door and vanished back into the warmth of the restaurant, leaving nothing behind but the fading scent of cold wool and bitter bourbon. the door clicked shut.

"man…" daniel muttered, shaking his head slowly as he took a swing from the champagne bottle. "he is always so... intense. i don't know how you survived being his research partner, y/n. guy needs to learn how to relax."

you didn't answer. you couldn't. you just turned back to the iron railing, gripping the freezing metal until your knuckles ached, staring blindly out at the river below. the hot tears were finally flowing freely now, spilling over your lashes and biting into your cold skin, but daniel just thought you were shivering from the wind.

you were entirely unraveled, the heavy haze of the wine making the ache in your chest feel double its size. you knew you were right. tomorrow the sun would come up and the hospital walls would turn that sterile, sage green again. and neither of you had any idea how to survive the wreckage of tonight.

the ride home in the back of daniel’s uber was a sickening blur. daniel wouldn't stop talking about the department's upcoming budget review, his voice a slurred drone that did nothing to drown out the looping thoughts in your own head. you pressed your cheek against the freezing glass of the window, staring at the blurred streetlights, your hand shoved deep into your coat pocket. your wrist still ached where jake’s fingers had clamped down, and your palm felt hot, branded by the frantic rhythm of his heartbeat.

i’m the only one who didn't make it out of that library alive.

the words felt like a physical weight on your chest, keeping you awake until the sky turned a bruised gray.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

when you went into the hospital the next day, the walls you had spent years building felt incredibly thin. you spent your morning sessions sitting across from people, trying to help them untangle their lives while your own mind kept drifting to the floors above you. jake was up there, tucked away in the data lab, probably staring at spreadsheets and mapping out human choices into predictable numbers. you knew how his mind worked — he used logic to control everything, hiding behind data until his emotions were buried too deep to find.

you ran into him on monday by the elevators. he was carrying a stack of reports, his lab coat buttoned all the way up, looking every bit like the detached, analytical researcher everyone expected him to be. when he saw you, his posture went completely rigid. you watched his eyes drop to your hands, then snap back up to your face, his jaw tight.

"morning." he said. his voice was clipped, perfectly formal. he gave you a professional nod as the elevator doors opened, stepping inside without waiting to see if you were getting on too.

he was overcompensating. you knew it, and he knew you knew it. it was a textbook display of emotional avoidance, and the deliberate distance made your blood boil. for the next three days, you both played the game perfectly. you over-corrected your posture when you passed his lab, and he looked straight through you when he came down to the clinical floor to drop off files. you were both weaponizing your training, pulling away with a fierce intentionality because admitting that that that night had happened meant admitting how completely unsafe you were around each other.

by thursday night, the hospital felt entirely claustrophobic.

a massive winter storm had hit the city, coating the streets in black ice and causing a power surge that knocked out the central servers. because the digital network was down, the department was forced to rely on physical records for the emergency cases coming in from the icy roads.

at eleven o'clock, you were down in the basement archives — a narrow, windowless vault filled with rows of heavy steel shelves containing years of old patient files and intake sheets. the air down there was freezing, smelling heavily of old paper, dust, and ozone from the backup generators humming faintly through the vents.

you were standing near the back of the longest aisle, your fingers stiff as you flicked through a drawer, trying to find a specific baseline evaluation.

the heavy electronic lock on the vault door suddenly clicked, the sound echoing loudly in the silence. you didn't turn around. you forced yourself to keep looking at the files, even as the slow thud of boots grew closer, accompanied by the distinct scent of cedar and the bitter edge of the black coffee he always drank when he was working late.

jake stopped at the entrance of your aisle. he had taken off his lab coat, wearing just a dark sweater with the sleeves pushed up his forearms. he looked exhausted, his hair messy from where he had clearly been running his fingers through it, and his dark eyes were shadowed with fatigue.

"vance sent me down." jake said, his voice a rough baritone that felt entirely too loud in the cramped space. "the emergency intake needs the comparative data for the patient in bed four. i told him i'd find the physical chart."

"it's in row c." you said, your voice tight, keeping your back to him as you shoved a file back into the drawer. "this is row e. you're in the wrong section, jake."

he didn't move. you could hear his steady breathing, a heavy contrast to the frantic skipping of your own pulse. "i know what row i'm in, y/n." he murmured.

the sheer stubbornness in his tone made you snap. you dropped your hands from the cabinet and turned around, your spine hitting the cold metal structure behind you. "then why are you standing here?" you asked, your voice trembling despite your best efforts to sound detached. "we established a pattern this week, jake. we do the professional nods. we don't look at each other. it was working fine."

"it wasn't working fine." he rasped, taking a slow, deliberate step into the aisle. the space was so narrow that his broad shoulders nearly brushed the shelves on either side. "you've been watching me every time i walk into a room. i can feel you calculating the distance from across the hallway, y/n. you're looking at me like i'm a clinical problem you need to solve."

"and what are you doing?" you challenged, crossing your arms tightly over your chest, trying to ignore how his physical proximity was suddenly making the air feel thick and warm. "you're pretending that if you just keep your lab coat buttoned up and stare at your data sheets long enough, you can erase what you said to me the other night.”

jake stopped just two feet away from you. his height completely blocked out the low light from the main vault corridor, casting a long shadow over your body. he looked down at you, his jaw clenching so hard a small muscle twitched in his cheek.

"i can't erase it." he whispered, his speech just a fraction slower than usual, thick with the weight of a week's worth of insomnia. "that's the whole damn problem. i've spent five days trying to look at my work, and all i see is how much i want to touch you."

"don't… don’t fucking say that." you breathed, a sudden wave of panic hitting your chest. you tried to push past him, your shoulder catching his chest as you attempted to navigate the narrow space, but he didn't move an inch. he was a wall of solid heat. "jake, let me out. it's just the stress from the storm, we're both tired and-"

"stop making excuses." he growled, his hand snapping out to grip the edge of the shelf right beside your neck. his fingers flexed against the cold steel, his knuckles turning white. he leaned in closer, his face just inches from yours, his dark eyes wide and dangerous. "and stop running from me. you're doing the exact same thing you always do. the second things get real, you pull back and look for an exit."

"because staying here ruins me!" you hissed back, your hands coming up to press against his shoulders, not to pull him closer, but to frantically hold him at bay. you could feel the hard line of his collarbone beneath the wool of his sweater, the heat of his skin burning through the fabric into your palms. "you think you're the only one who's terrified? i spend all day trying to keep myself together, and the minute i look at you, i completely lose my mind. we are a bad idea, jake."

"i don't care." he choked out, his voice cracking violently on the words. he took that final half step, completely eliminating the remaining distance between you. his chest pressed flush against your hands, pushing against your resistance until your back was pinned flat against the metal cabinet. he didn't touch you with his hands yet, as they were still gripping the shelves on either side of your head, caging you in completely. but his entire body was a suffocating pressure against yours.

you let out a broken gasp, your chin tilting up involuntarily as his face dropped into the hollow of your neck. his breath was hot, fast, and smelling of coffee, fanning across your sensitive skin and making a violent shiver tear through your entire frame.

"tell me to go to row c." he whispered fiercely against your skin, his lips brushing the column of your throat as he spoke, his teeth grazing your pulse point just enough to make your knees go weak. "say you don't want this, and i'll walk away. i'm giving you the choice."

your fingers twitched against his shoulders, your nails digging deep into the thick fabric of his sweater. you wanted to push him away. you wanted to save yourself from the inevitable wreckage that was coming. but the physical reality of him — the weight of his body, the desperate sound of his breathing — was a hunger you had been suppressing for so much time.

"i hate you." you whispered, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt his forehead lean heavily against yours, his dark hair brushing your brow.

"i know." jake rasped, his hand finally leaving the metal shelf to wrap his cold fingers tightly around the back of your neck, tilting your face up to his. "i know."

for a fraction of a second, nobody moved. the space between your lips was a vacuum, thick with the smell of damp wool and the metallic hum of the archive basement. his dark eyes searched yours, wide and bloodshot, looking for a single reason to stop — a slight pull of your chin, a tensing of your spine, anything. but you didn't move, you couldn't. the lie had run its course, and the devastating weight of it seemed to leave both of you suspended in mid air. your thumb twitched against the knit of his sweater, a subconscious permission that he caught instantly.

the shift was sudden and terrifying. the fragile safety of the quiet room fractured down the middle as jake’s grip on your neck tightened, his control completely evaporating into the cold air.

the kiss was violent. it wasn't gentle, it wasn't a soft reconciliation. instead, it was an angry collision of two people who had been starving in the dark for years.

he shoved you backward, your hips hitting the edge of the cabinet hard as he crowded his entire weight into you, caging you between his body and the metal. his hands ripped themselves from yours, one flying to the back of your neck, his long fingers tangling fiercely into your hair to tilt your head back, while his other hand gripped your waist so tightly it would leave bruises by morning.

you moaned into his mouth, a desperate sound, your hands flying up to tear at the front of his sweater. you needed the barrier gone. you needed to feel the heat of his skin against yours to prove he was real, that this wasn't another cruel dream your brain had manufactured in the quiet hours of the night.

"y/n." he groaned against your lips, his tongue forcing its way into your mouth, tasting of bitter coffee and pure desperation. he kissed you harder, deeper, devouring you until your knees buckled beneath you, his heavy thigh instantly slotting between yours to hold you up against the shelves.

the friction was agonizingly perfect. you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down, arching your back into his heavy frame as his mouth left yours, tearing down the column of your throat. he bit sharply at the junction of your neck and shoulder, making you gasp, your fingers digging deep into the muscles of his back.

"i hate you so much, jake." you cried out, your head tossing back against the metal shelves as his hands moved down, aggressively bunching up the fabric of your skirt.

"hate me all you want, please.” he rasped, his breath burning against your collarbone as he ripped open the first three buttons of your shirt, his chest heaving. he looked up at you, his dark eyes entirely unhinged, wild with a desperate hunger that made your stomach clench pleasantly.

he didn't give you a single second to catch your breath. his mouth crashed back onto yours again, messier this time, open and wet and completely frantic. his large hand slid higher up your thigh, his rough fingers finally slipping past the hem of your skirt and finding bare skin. the sudden contrast of his burning touch against the freezing basement air made a high noise tear out of your throat, a sound he swallowed instantly with his mouth.

you finally got your hands under his sweater, your palms flattening against the rapid rise and fall of his bare chest. his skin was scorching hot, his heart hammering a violent rhythm against your fingertips. he wasn't calm. the meticulous, controlled data analyst was completely gone, completely destroyed, replaced by a man who was shaking just as badly as you were.

"jake." you whimpered, your nails lightly dragging down the center of his chest, exploring the heavy muscle there.

he shuddered violently at the contact, a guttural groan vibrating deep in his throat. his heavy thigh pressed harder between yours, applying a blunt pressure right where you were aching the most, forcing your hips to completely tilt up into his. you dug your heels into the dusty floor to keep from sliding down the cabinet, entirely at his mercy.

"four years." he breathed heavily against your lips, his voice a ruined scrape as his thumb traced the edge of your underwear, dragging slowly over the fabric to feel the damp heat of you beneath it. "four fucking years of pretending i didn't know exactly what this felt like. have you thought about it, huh? about how well you took me in your mouth in that classroom? mmh?"

you gasped, arching off the cold metal so forcefully your spine bowed. his fingers were slightly clumsy with sheer desperation, completely wrecking whatever fragile composure you had left. you tangled your fingers into his messy hair, pulling him closer, holding his mouth to yours like it was the only oxygen left in the room.

"don't think." you begged, tears of overwhelming relief and frustration suddenly stinging the corners of your eyes, blurring the harsh fluorescent light above. "just don't think about it, jake. please don't stop."

"i couldn't stop if i tried, y/n. i’m completely sick with you." he confessed, kissing the salt of a tear off your cheek before trailing bruising kisses down your jawline.

he shifted his grip suddenly, his strong hands grabbing your hips to hike you up effortlessly onto the waist high metal filing cabinet. the cold steel bit into the back of your bare thighs, a shocking contrast to the suffocating heat of his body as he stepped directly between your parted knees.

he caged you in perfectly, his broad chest pressing flush against yours, his hands moving frantically over your body like he was trying to memorize you all over again. he pushed your shirt off your shoulders, letting it pool uselessly around your elbows, his lips finding the exposed skin of your collarbone. he sucked hard, his teeth scraping against the sensitive column of your throat, deliberately leaving a dark mark that he knew you would have to hide under high necked sweaters for a week.

it was territorial, it was entirely unprofessional, and it made you completely lose your mind. you wrapped your legs tightly around his waist, crossing your ankles behind his back to anchor him to you, pulling his hips flush against yours. you ground down against the thick denim of his jeans, chasing the friction, chasing the physical weight of him until you were both just shaking, breathing the same dusty air, actively choosing to ruin each other all over again in the dark.

his hand didn’t stay on the outside of the lace for long. the frantic friction of your hips against his was driving you both to the edge of sanity, but it wasn't enough. it was nowhere near enough. jake let out a harsh curse, pulling his mouth away from yours just far enough to look at you. his chest heaved, his dark hair falling into his eyes, entirely disheveled and completely ruined.

"i need to touch you." he rasped, his voice dropping to a terrifyingly low register. "i need to see if you feel the same way you did back then."

you didn't even get a chance to gasp before his rough fingers hooked under the damp edge of your underwear, pulling the thin fabric aside and sliding directly into you. you shattered immediately. a loud cry tore from your lungs, bouncing off the heavy steel walls of the archive as your head threw back against the shelves. he was completely relentless. his long fingers pushed deep, almost too familiar with how your body worked, moving with a precise rhythm that completely short-circuited your brain.

every single coping mechanism, every boundary, every professional defence you had built over the last four years dissolved instantly under the slide of his hand.

"jake, fuck-" you sobbed, your nails biting into his broad shoulders, your legs trembling violently where they were still locked behind his back.

"shhh." he breathed, though his own voice was shaking just as badly. he leaned in, his lips pressing hot kisses to the side of your neck, his tongue tracing the frantic pulse there as his fingers stroked you faster, deeper. "i've got you. i've got you. you're so fucking wet for me, doc. you missed me this much?"

the clinical nickname was a hot twist of the knife. he was doing it on purpose, weaponizing your shared profession, deliberately blurring the lines between the sterile hospital above and the dirty reality of the basement.

"yes." you admitted, the word an unraveled plea, your hips involuntarily chasing the movement of his hand. "yes, god, i missed you. i missed you so much."

that admission snapped the very last thread holding him together as he withdrew his hand completely. the sudden loss of friction was so jarring you let out an embarrassing whine, your hips instinctively tipping forward to chase his empty hand.

"shhh, don't cry." he murmured, though his chest was heaving, his voice thick with a dark satisfaction. "what happened to my clever little psychologist?"

the sharp metallic clink of his belt buckle echoed loudly in the tight space, followed by the heavy hiss of his zipper. you reached down, desperate to help him, desperate to speed up the agonizing process, but he caught both of your wrists in one large hand, pinning them firmly against the cold metal cabinet above your head.

"y/n." he breathed, stepping into the space you had just created, pressing the blunt heat of him directly against your entrance. "you've been running the show all week. you wouldn't even look at me in the elevator on monday."

he rolled his hips forward just a fraction — not enough to go inside, just enough to drag right over your most sensitive spot. you choked on a gasp, your spine bowing entirely off the metal.

"is this what you were thinking about when you were giving me those polite little nods, doc?" he whispered, his lips grazing your ear, his breath hot and completely ragged. "while you were sitting in your office, playing the perfect professional... were you thinking about how easily i can tear you apart?"

"jake, please-" you begged, the words tumbling out of your mouth without a single thought for pride or preservation. you tried to pull your wrists free, your legs tightening around his narrow waist as you tried to force him deep inside you, but his grip was iron clad. he wasn't going to make this easy. he was going to make you pay for every single day of silence.

"please what?" he taunted, though his own restraint was clearly killing him, a heavy muscle jumping frantically in his sharp jaw. he dragged against you again, a slow friction that made black spots dance in your vision. you let out a broken sob, your nails digging into your own palms where he held them pinned. "use your clinical vocabulary, y/n. tell me exactly what you want me to do to you."

"fuck you." you cried out, tears of sheer frustration spilling over your lashes, mixing with the sweat on your skin.

"i'm about to." he promised, his voice dropping into a low growl that vibrated straight through your chest. "but you're going to ask for it first. you're going to admit that you're just as obsessed with me as i am with you."

he released your wrists, but only so his hands could drop to your waist, his long fingers digging into your hips to hold you completely still. he rocked against you once more, entirely deliberately, making sure you felt exactly how thick and ready his cock was, how close you were to having what you had been starving for.

"say it." he demanded, his dark eyes burning into yours, completely unhinged in the dim basement light. "you owe me this. say it."

"i'm obsessed with you." you sobbed, your hands flying down to grip his shoulders, your fingernails biting into the thick wool of his sweater. "i want you, jake. i want you so fucking much, please, just put it in. please."

he let out a ragged, tearing sound from the very bottom of his chest, completely undone by the sound of you begging.

"that’s it, my love.” he rasped, and drove his hips forward, sinking completely and devastatingly deep inside of you in one long thrust. the unexpected nickname made your cheeks flush even harder, making your face feel so hot it scared you.

the sheer fullness of his cock stretching you open was a violent shock to your system, stealing the remaining oxygen straight out of your lungs. you buried your face in the crook of his neck, your teeth his skin just to muffle the breathless sob that escaped you. jake went entirely still, his forehead dropping against yours, his upper body trembling with the sheer effort it took not to lose his mind completely. he was buried so deep it felt devastating, his heartbeat a chaotic thudding against your chest.

for a long moment, he didn't move. he just stayed deep inside you, letting your body adapt to his weight, his eyes tightly shut as he swallowed hard, trying to claw back some semblance of his usual restraint.

but you could feel the truth of him. you could feel the ragged vibration of his pulse, the way his fingers were dug so fiercely into your waist that his knuckles were white. the cool, analytical researcher was drowning, and the realization gave you an intoxicating surge of confidence through the haze of your own pleasure.

you slowly shifted your hips on the edge of the cabinet, a deliberate tight squeeze around him.

jake flinched, his entire body jerking as a strangled sound tore from his throat. his eyes snapped open, dark and completely wild, warning you to stop.

"what's the matter, jake?" you whispered, your voice a shaky tease as you leaned back just enough to look at him. your fingers trailed up his chest, your nails lightly catching on the skin of his neck, tracing the line of his collarbone. "a-are you going to cum just like this or what?”

"y/n." he warned, his voice a dangerous vibration, his hips twitching involuntarily against yours.

"y-you spent all week hiding up in your lab, pretending i didn't exist... and now you can barely even breathe just from standing inside me?” you murmured, tilting your chin up, your eyes dropping to his mouth before locking back onto his blown pupils.

an unhinged smile flickered across his lips, though his jaw remained rigid. he leaned down, his mouth brushing against yours, tasting of salt and heat. "you think you're so clever, don't you? you always have." he rasped, his hands tightening on your waist with a bruising pressure that made you gasp. "you want to test my limits? let's see how well you can keep that smart mouth running when you can't even think straight."

before you could reply, he pulled back and drove into you again, his pace suddenly turning brutal and completely unyielding. the first hard thrust knocked the wind clean out of you. the heavy metal filing cabinet groaned violently under your combined weight, a loud rattle that echoed sharply down the narrow aisle. your hands flew back to grip the cold edge of the steel behind you, your knuckles turning white as he hammered into you with a punishing rhythm that made it entirely impossible to form a coherent thought.

any trace of your smug satisfaction evaporated into a ragged sob. he wasn't teasing anymore. the dam had completely cracked, and the flood was tearing both of you apart. the friction was sudden and blistering, the thick denim of his unzipped jeans scraping against your bare thighs, a chaotic mix of freezing metal and sweat slicked skin.

"jake- ah! jake, wait." you choked out, your head slamming back against the shelf behind you as he hit you deeper, driving himself into you like he was trying to fuse his body with yours.

"no." he growled, his voice completely wrecked, his face burying into the crook of your neck. he was panting like a dying man, his teeth grazing over your collarbone, leaving wet marks as his hips slammed relentlessly against yours. "no more waiting. i'm so fucking done with the space between us."

he shifted his grip, his large hands sliding under your thighs to lift you higher off the metal, pulling you completely flush against him so he could bury himself even deeper. the sheer desperation in his movements was staggering. he was clawing at you, devouring your mouth in messy kisses that tasted of unadulterated hunger. you could feel the heavy trembling in his arms, the tight strain of his muscles as he held you up, completely consumed by the need to be closer.

you couldn't think, you couldn't analyze. your legs wrapped even tighter around his waist, your ankles locking behind his back as you began to meet him stroke for desperate stroke. you ground yourself down against him, chasing the blinding heat, your hands leaving the cabinet to tear at his hair. every impact was deep and heavy, a blunt ache that centered in your lower stomach and radiated outward until your whole body was shaking.

"look at me." he commanded, his voice a broken rasp. he pulled back just an inch, his dark eyes glassy with sweat and pure yearning in the dim basement light. he was staring at you like you were his only lifeline in a room that was running out of air. "look at what you do to me. tell me you feel it. tell me you're drowning too."

"i am!" you cried out, a tear finally slipping down your cheek as your hips rolled into his, meeting a brutal thrust that made your vision tilt and white out at the edges. "jake, please... i can't... i'm going to-"

"good." he choked out, a sob-like sound catching in his throat as he pushed even harder, his chest heaving violently against yours. "don't think. just take me. take all of it.”

the rhythm turned entirely chaotic, completely stripped of any calculation or restraint. every slam of his hips was a beautiful shockwave that travelled straight up your spine. he was completely unravelled now, his teeth digging into your shoulder, biting hard enough to leave a permanent mark.

"jake, jake, please." you sobbed into his ear, your fingernails tearing at the skin of his neck, drawing faint red lines. your vision was blurring into unreadable shapes, the light overhead spinning in dizzying circles. the pressure building in your lower stomach was too intense, too heavy to survive. you were right on the edge, teetering over a drop that felt miles deep.

"i'm right here. look at me, y/n. don't close your eyes." he choked out, his voice dropping into a feral whisper. his long fingers dug so hard into your thighs that they left deep marks in your flesh.

you forced your lids open, looking into the fractured expanse of his eyes. he looked entirely unhinged, wild with a desperate hunger that was terrifyingly beautiful. he was watching you go under, tracking every twitch of your face, every ragged intake of your breath.

"jake-" you didn't even finish the sentence. your walls spasmed, tightening around him in a sudden wave of contractions that ripped a shattered scream from your throat. you buried your face in his neck, your teeth sinking into his shoulder as your entire body went completely rigid, formatting itself around the blinding ecstasy of the release.

the absolute fullness of him inside you during those few seconds was staggering, a sharp crest that made your brain go entirely quiet. that crushing squeeze was the final blow to his threadbare restraint. jake let out a guttural roar that vibrated deep inside your chest. he drove into you three more times — hard, deep, completely blind with his own release — before his entire body locked up.

he threw his head back, his jaw clenching so violently the cords in his neck stood out, and poured himself into you with a desperate shudder that seemed to go on forever.

for a long time, the only sound in the archive basement was the overlapping noise of your breathing. jake didn't pull away. he collapsed forward, burying his face in your messy hair, his broad chest heaving against yours as his weight pinned you flat against the metal cabinet. his arms wrapped around your waist, holding you so tightly it felt like he was trying to pull you inside his own ribs.

your legs were still locked around his waist, trembling with exhaustion, your skin slick with a mixture of sweat and the freezing air of the vault.

"don't move." he whispered against your ear, his voice a completely ruined baritone. his fingers flexed against your back, his touch suddenly incredibly tender compared to the violence from moments before. "just stay right here. don't run yet."

the steady drip of adrenaline suddenly began to fade, and the reality of the room crashed back in with excruciating clarity. the biting chill of the basement air hit your exposed skin, making a sudden shiver rack your entire frame. the silence in the vault was deafening now, suddenly being acutely aware of everything.

how loud your own chest was heaving. how his skin felt slick and hot against your palms. the absolute wreck of your clothes — your skirt bunched up around your waist, your shirt hanging open with the top buttons missing. your face burned with a sharp spike of self-consciousness that made your stomach do a nervous flip. your eyes darted down, landing on his shoulder where your teeth had left an angry red mark, and a wave of panic hit you.

what did we just do?

you shifted your weight awkwardly on the hard edge of the filing cabinet, your ankles slowly unlinking from behind his waist. your hands, which had been buried in his hair, dropped down to press weakly against his chest, trying to create an inch of space.

"jake." you breathed, your voice sounding small, raspy, and entirely too bare in the quiet aisle. "the... the files. vance is waiting for the intake data. we've been down here too long."

he didn't budge. if anything, he sank a fraction heavier against you, his hips remaining perfectly locked against yours, keeping you pinned to the cold metal. he slowly lifted his head from your neck, his dark hair completely disheveled, his eyes searching your face. they were still dark, his pupils wide, but the feral wildness had settled into a hyper-focused intensity.

"let him wait." jake murmured, his voice a low scrape.

you tried to look past his shoulder, anywhere but at his face, your fingers nervously twitching against his chest. "no, seriously. the digital network is down, they're drowning upstairs with the storm cases. if someone comes down here looking for us-"

"y/n."

the quiet command in his voice cut straight through your panicked rambling. his large hand left your waist, his long fingers reaching up to catch your chin, gently but firmly tilting your face back up until you had no choice but to look at him. his thumb pressed against your lower lip, tracing the swollen skin.

"stop that.” he said softly.

"stop what?" you asked, trying to force your voice into a defensive tone, but it came out as a breathless whisper.

"the retreating." he whispered, his thumb dragging slowly down to your jawline. "i can feel your brain working from here. you're already calculating the damage, trying to find a neat little box to put this in so you can pretend it was an isolated incident. you're looking for the exit."

your throat felt tight, the accuracy of his words making you ache. you wrapped your fingers around his wrist, not to pull his hand away, but just to hold onto something steady because your knees still felt like water. "it's a hospital basement, jake. we're colleagues. this... this is a massive hr violation, for one thing, and it's completely-"

"don't do that." he interrupted, leaning down until his forehead rested heavily against yours, his warm breath fanning across your lips. "don't lie to me. not after that. you held onto me like you were dying. y-you told me you wanted this. you don't get to go back to polite elevator nods, y/n. i won't let you do it to me again."

"i'm just trying to be realistic." you whispered, your eyes fluttering shut because having him this close, even after everything, was still making your chest swell with a terrifying amount of yearning. "this changes everything up there. it complicates everything."

"good." jake rasped, his lips brushing against yours slowly. he didn't pull away, he stayed right there, anchoring you to the reality of what had just happened. "let it change. i want it to. i've spent four years losing my mind. i'm not letting you run away this time."

the generators hummed somewhere beyond the thick concrete walls, a steady vibration filling the silence between your mouths. for four years, you had replayed the wreckage a thousand different ways in the quiet hours of the night. sometimes he apologized. sometimes you did. sometimes it was loud and explosive, a replication of the fights and the bickering that used to leave you both hollowed out and bleeding in that college library.

never, not once, had you imagined this.

your eyes searched his face, tracking the faint twitch in his jaw, the damp strands of dark hair sticking to his forehead. he looked completely exhausted. not just from the late shift or the winter storm, but with the structural fatigue of someone who had been carrying a weight so heavy for so long that he had forgotten how to stand upright without it.

and suddenly, the sterile basement walls dissolved, and all you could see was the university library. the fourth floor windows glowing long after midnight. the half-finished coffees growing cold between stacks of behavioral data prints. the almost mechanical way he used to ask if you had eaten because he knew your blood sugar crashed when you were anxious. the ridiculous arguments over predictive models that were always just a thinly veiled excuse to keep talking to each other.

the classroom. the freezing rain. the boy who had looked at you as though decoding your mind was the only thing that could ever salvage his own.

he had been there the entire time. buried beneath months of sterile protocol and polite nods.

"i'm so tired." you admitted, the confession so quiet it barely disturbed the heavy air between you.

jake’s expression softened, the clinical armor he wore upstairs completely melting away. "i know."

"no." your voice cracked, a raw edge of tears catching in your throat. "i'm tired of fighting you, jake. i'm tired of pretending you're just a name on a shift report."

his eyes closed for a brief second, his long eyelashes casting dark shadows over his cheekbones. when they opened again, they looked unbearably young. stripped of the professional detachment, they looked exactly like they had four years earlier, right before everything went up in flames.

"i'm tired too." he whispered.

the truth of it settled between your bodies with an astonishing gentleness. it wasn't dramatic. it wasn't a breakthrough. it was just a mutual surrender to the exhaustion of running from the same ghost.

you let out a shaky laugh, brushing the heel of your hand beneath your eyes to catch a stray tear before it could drop. "look at us."

he frowned slightly, his brow furrowing in that familiar, analytical way. "what?"

"we're clinical psychologists and behavioral researchers." you murmured, another ironic laugh escaping you. "we literally spend our entire lives studying human behavior, and somehow we've managed to spend years acting like complete idiots."

for a heartbeat, he simply stared at you, his thumb still resting against the curve of your hip. then, the corner of his mouth twitched.

and he laughed. really laughed. it wasn't the polite, polished sound he gave the department heads. it was that quiet chuckle that used to echo through the empty library stacks whenever you managed to prove one of his statistical algorithms wrong.

your chest tightened so sharply it felt like a physical ache.

"there you are." you whispered before your brain could filter the thought.

his smile faded, his dark irises locking onto yours with an intense gravity. "...what?"

"you." you said softly.

he didn't answer, he didn't have to. because for the first time since leaving, you weren't looking at the brilliant data analyst the hospital prided itself on. you were looking at jake. just jake. the boy who was just as terrified of his own depth as you were. and somehow, seeing him clearly after so much time hurt even worse than the silence.

somewhere outside the heavy vault door, the distant sound of footsteps echoed down the corridor, followed by the faint chime of the staff elevator. both of you instinctively glanced toward the aisle entrance.

reality was waiting upstairs. patients who needed evaluations. servers that needed to be brought back online. coworkers, morning rounds. the structured, clinical life you had both built to keep yourselves safe from one another.

"we should probably find those files." you murmured, though your hands didn't move from his sweater.

jake nodded, his chest rising and falling against yours in one last sigh. "yeah. vance is going to come down here himself if we take any longer."

neither of you moved. you stayed locked together in the narrow space, your bare thighs still cooling against the metal cabinet, the heat of the encounter lingering in the cold air like smoke.

then, after a long silence, he slowly reached down. his large hand slid over yours, his long fingers carefully intertwining with your own. it wasn't possessive. it wasn't the desperate, bruising grip from before. it was tentative. a lingering question you both should have had the courage to ask four years ago.

you looked down at your joined hands, the contrast of his pale skin against yours, before looking back up into his eyes.

but this time, you didn't pull away.

the end ⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

extra !

the next morning, the winter storm had cleared, leaving the hospital windows framing a blindingly white city. the central servers were back online, the basement archives were locked up, and the frantic chaos of the night shift had settled into the quiet hum of a friday morning.

you were standing at the nurse’s station on the psychiatric floor, nursing a lukewarm cup of coffee and staring blankly at a patient chart. you were wearing a high necked black sweater — a very deliberate choice — and your body still ached with a deep exhaustion that felt incredibly sweet.

"you look like you got hit by a snowplow." lily said, leaning her elbows on the counter beside you. she was currently holding a clipboard with a stack of new intake forms while looking at your face intensely. "did you even sleep?"

"barely." you murmured, keeping your eyes on the chart. "the emergency intake was a mess until the network came back up."

"tell me about it. the doctors were breathing down everyone's neck." lily sighed, flipping through her papers. "speaking of last night, did you ever find that baseline evaluation for bed four? vance said he sent you down to the archives, and then he sent jake down to help you, and then-"

the double doors to the wing hissed open.

both of you looked up. jake was walking down the corridor, his lab coat back on, unbuttoned and fluttering slightly as he moved with his usual long strides. he had a tablet in one hand, his eyes scanning a spreadsheet of behavioral data metrics. he looked as sharp and analytical as ever, but his hair was slightly damp from a rushed morning shower, and his jaw wasn't clenched for once.

lily didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. she just kept talking. "anyway, vance said you both took forever, so i assumed the filing system down there was a disaster-"

as jake drew level with the nurse's station, he didn't stop. he didn't even slow down. but as he passed you, his left hand dropped slightly.

his long fingers brushed against yours where your hand was resting on the counter. it wasn't a casual slip. his index finger hooked tightly around yours for a fleeting second, his warm thumb brushing over the back of your knuckles in a private squeeze before he let go.

he didn't look at you, his eyes never leaving his tablet. he just kept walking toward the administration offices, his expression completely blank, a perfect picture of professional detachment.

but you froze. your breath hitched in your throat, and a sudden, uncontrollable flush crawled up your neck, burning hot against the fabric of your sweater. you quickly took a sip of your coffee to hide it, your heart doing a happy flip against your ribs.

lily’s voice abruptly cut off.

you blinked, keeping your eyes glued to the patient file, desperately trying to look natural. "what? you were saying about the filing system?"

silence.

slowly, you turned your head. lily wasn't looking at her clipboard anymore. she was staring down at your hand on the counter, then staring down the hallway at jake’s retreating back, and then very slowly turning her gaze back to your face. her jaw was slightly slack, her eyes wide with a mix of absolute shock and frantic mental math.

lily had been a triage nurse on the psychiatric floor for years, which meant she possessed a near supernatural ability to read a room in under two seconds. she could spot a patient’s subtle shift in agitation, a doctor’s hidden hangover, or a brewing crisis before anyone else even noticed.

and right now, all that clinical intuition had just locked onto you.

she didn't need a degree in psychology to do the math. the puzzle pieces she had been casually collecting for months suddenly snapped together with an audible click.

the polite elevator nods. the way you always volunteered to go to the upper floors when jake wasn't there. the way jake’s posture went completely rigid whenever your name was mentioned in staff meetings. the sudden appearance of your high-necked sweater on a friday morning.

"oh my god." lily whispered, her voice dropping to a scandalized hiss.

"lily, don't." you pleaded quietly, your face burning even hotter as you shoved the patient chart shut.

"the university library." she gasped, her hands flying to her mouth as she leaned in so close your foreheads almost touched. "the “toxic situationship” from grad school who you said “moved across the country”? the data analyst?! jake?!"

"keep your voice down!" you hissed, looking around frantically, but the nearby nurses were occupied with a medication cart.

"you two have been playing matching coat cold war for months in this hospital, right?" lily muttered, her brain completely short-circuiting with joy. she looked down the hallway again, where jake was just disappearing into vance's office. "he just touched your hand. he didn't even look at you! that was the most calculated, romantic, deeply unhinged thing i have ever seen a researcher do."

"it wasn't calculated." you mumbled, a helpless smile finally breaking through your defensive exterior.

lily pointed a finger at you, her eyes gleaming with absolute victory. "you're smiling. you're glowing. y/n, you went into the basement for files and came back with a boyfriend. i am analyzing this entire situation and concluding that you are a complete idiot for waiting so much time.”

"we're figuring it out." you whispered, your fingers subconsciously tracing the spot on your knuckles where his thumb had just been. "we're... trying to be careful."

lily let out a happy hum, tapping her clipboard against her chin as she looked at you with pure affection. "well, the data doesn't lie, doc. you're a goner. now, tell me everything before daniel comes back out."

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

it took exactly one thousand four hundred and sixty one days for the phantom scent of cheap vodka and freezing wind to stop waking you up at three in the morning, though the ghost of that fire escape still lingered in the quiet corners of your mind like an unresolved equation. when you left that place, you hadn't just walked away from a campus or a ranking. you had completely dismantled the person you used to be, trading your grand academic ambitions for the unglamorous mechanics of survival.

your gap year was a blurred cycle of alarm clocks and heavy limbs, an endless stretch of twelve hour shifts at a local clinic where you filed medical records until your fingers went numb, all while living in the cramped, humid spare room of your aunt’s apartment. it was an existence stripped entirely of color, defined by the humiliating reality of counting pennies and sleeping on a mattress that smelled faintly of old dust, your already weak pride completely crushed as you watched your peers from afar moving forward while you were stuck in a static loop just to build back a savings account from nothing.

so when you finally saved enough to enroll in your final year, it wasn't at a prestigious institute with wood paneled walls and competitive hierarchies, but at an underfunded commuter university on the edge of the city where the paint was peeling in the hallways and the professors didn't even bother to memorize your name.

there were no numbered lists on the walls there, no brilliant rivals looking over your shoulder to see your methodologies. and for a long time, the absolute silence of it was harder to bear than the pressure ever had been.

you had spent that entire final year like a machine, putting your head down and grinding through advanced clinical seminars with detached efficiency. you completely refused to make friends or connect with anyone, because you were terrified that if you let your guard down for even a second, the overwhelming bitterness of what you had lost would swallow you whole. you finished your degree not with a sense of triumph, but with a quiet relief, your diploma just a piece of paper that proved you had survived the wreckage of your own life.

and now, two years later, you were standing in the sterile, brightly lit lobby of st. jude’s hospital, the heavy glass doors sliding shut behind you with a dull hiss that felt dangerously like a point of no return. you adjusted the strap of your bag against your shoulder, your fingers nervously tracing the sharp edges of the laminated plastic badge clipped to your blazer. you looked at it anxiously, your name printed in neat letters right above the title junior clinical psychologist.

this was supposed to be the fresh start you had spent so much time bleeding for, the clean slate where your past didn't follow you and your bank account was finally stable enough to let you breathe. yet, as you stared down the immaculate white corridor that smelled intensely of bleach and synthetic lavender, your stomach twisted into that same familiar knot of anxiety. the hospital was massive, a prestigious psychiatric and research hub that took only the best graduates. the sheer irony of ending up right back in an high stakes environment wasn't lost on you as you took a shaky breath, trying to steady the frantic beating of your heart.

you smoothed down the front of your trousers, the fabric stiff and unfamiliar, and began to walk toward the human resources department on the fourth floor, your heels clicking softly against the polished floors while you fought back the overwhelming urge to turn around and run. you told yourself you were ready, told yourself that the fragile, broken girl who had cried so much was completely dead and buried. but as you stepped into the elevator and watched the metal doors slowly close, the heavy silence inside felt thick with anticipation, as if the universe was just waiting for you to realize that some ghosts can never be outrun.

the elevator dinged, a soft sound that cut through the loud thumping of your heart. the metal doors slid open to reveal a sunlit floor that smelled faintly of that same lavender soap and old paper. you stepped out cautiously, your fingers still white from how tightly you were gripping the strap of your bag, waiting for the weight of the world to crush you again.

instead, a tall guy with a soft denim jacket thrown over his hospital scrubs detangled himself from the reception desk, a folder in his hand and a remarkably gentle expression on his face.

"you must be y/n." he said, his voice a low hum that didn't carry a single ounce of the cutting authority you had spent four years learning to fear. he smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners in a way that felt completely uncalculated. "i'm daniel. i've been a clinical resident here for a bit of time now. the chief told me to look after you today so you don't accidentally walk into the research labs locked zones."

"good morning." you said, your throat tight, your body still braced for an interrogation about your credentials, your gap year, or the low tier university name printed on your degree.

but daniel just tucked the folder under his arm and gave you a reassuring nod. "don't look so terrified, y/n. we’re glad you're here. let's get you your locker keys first, and i'll show you where the good coffee machine is hidden."

you followed a half step behind him, your shoulder muscles so tense they practically ached because your brain was still operating on old, defensive code.

but daniel just walked at a leisurely pace, his hands shoved into the pockets of his denim jacket, pointing out things that had absolutely nothing to do with metrics or performance.

"the administrative wing is always a bit dry." he murmured, nodding toward a row of frosted glass doors as he guided you toward a back hallway. "but once you get past the main double doors, it gets a lot more human. the lounge is back here. it’s where we hide when the charting gets too mind numbing."

he pushed open a heavy wooden door as the clinical smell of floor wax was immediately replaced by the comforting scent of roasted coffee beans and toasted bread. the room was spacious, bathed in the soft morning light filtering through a row of large windows that looked out over a quiet inner courtyard. there were mismatched mugs drying on a rack by the sink, a half eaten box of donuts on the counter, and a couple of worn in green armchairs tucked into a corner by a bookshelf overflowing with thick psychiatric volumes.

"alright, locker forty two is yours." daniel said, pulling a small silver key from his pocket and sliding it across the counter toward you. "the lock sticks a little bit, so you have to give it a sharp jolt with your thumb when you turn it. go ahead and drop your things off."

you stepped toward the row of gray metal lockers, your fingers trembling slightly as you slotted the key into the lock of number forty two. you gave it the small jolt daniel had mentioned, the metal clicking open with a dull thud. as you swung the door wide, your breath caught in your throat. tucked inside the small shelf at the top was a small, hand painted ceramic mug with a sticky note stuck to the front in neat handwriting: welcome to the department, y/n! we left the good coffee pods in the top drawer for you. — ava.

you stared at the little note for a long second, the ink blurring slightly as a sudden pressure built up behind your eyes. for many years, you had been acting like a ghost, entirely convinced that your academic failure had stripped away your right to be welcomed anywhere. you had expected cold glances, a desk in a dark corner, and the silent judgment of people who had never had to drop out to survive. but this — this unprompted gesture of kindness from a stranger — felt completely upside down.

"ava is one of our occupational therapists." daniel explained softly, leaning his hip against the counter as he watched you trace the edge of the note with your thumb. his voice didn't carry any pity, just a grounding certainty that made you feel like you weren't about to shatter into pieces. "she remembers how brutal the first day can feel. we all do. nobody expects you to be a flawless machine by nine o'clock, y/n. just take a breath."

"thank you." you whispered, your voice thick as you carefully folded the note and tucked it into your blazer pocket before hanging your bag on a hook. "it’s... it's really nice."

once you had put on the mandatory white coat, daniel took you by the elbow, guiding you back out into the hall to begin the real introductions. but instead of marching you into a boardroom to present your credentials to a panel of hyper critical supervisors, the process was incredibly slow, almost domestic.

your first stop was the central nursing station, a horseshoe shaped desk right in the center of the adult psychiatric wing. an older woman with sharp eyes and her silver hair tied back in a neat bun was typing furiously on a computer, a massive stack of patient charts looming next to her elbow.

"may." daniel called out gently, tapping the top of the counter. "this is y/n. she's the new junior clinician taking over the outpatient cognitive behavioral therapy slots."

nurse may stopped typing immediately. she didn't just give you a professional nod and looked back at her screen. instead, she pushed her rolling chair back, standing up to look at you over her reading glasses. your body instinctively tensed, waiting for the standard evaluation look — a calculating glance that measured whether you were worth her time.

but to your surprise, her face softened into an almost maternal smile as she reached across the high desk to squeeze your hand. her palm was warm and dry, her grip surprisingly strong. "ah, the one with the research paper on adolescent trauma responses." she said, her voice rich and steady. "the chief showed us your abstract last week, y/n. it was beautifully written. we’ve been drowning in the outpatient queue, so you are an absolute godsend. if daniel here gives you any trouble or tries to pass off his intake paperwork to you, you come straight to me, alright?"

"okay." you said, a genuine smile tugging at the corners of your lips for the first time all morning. the knot of anxiety that had been sitting in your stomach since you woke up at five o'clock began to loosen, just a fraction, leaving behind a strange ache of relief.

there were no lists on the walls here. there were no digital boards flashing your ranking to the entire department, no suffocating silence in the hallways where your peers almost refused to look you in the eye.

as daniel led you from the nursing station down toward the junior residents' lounge, introducing you to the speech pathologists, the social workers, and the intake coordinators, the world slowly began to regain its color. a guy named niki stopped eating his toast just to show you how to bypass the temperamental paper jam in the main copier. a senior resident named joe paused his phone call to give you a welcoming wave from his office door.

every interaction was small, subtle, and entirely devoid of friction. you weren't a metric to be beaten or a rival to be kept at a distance, you were just another pair of hands arriving to help carry the complicated stories of the people walking through the clinic doors. by eleven o'clock, as you sat at your new desk in the shared lounge, organizing your highlighters and looking over your first week's schedule, you took a deep breath of the sterile hospital air. right there, you allowed yourself to think, for the very first time, that maybe you had actually made it across the river. maybe the survival part was finally over, and you were allowed to just exist.

by twelve thirty, the morning rush had finally tapered off into a manageable hum. you were just finishing color coding your intake calendar when daniel leaned his head through the open doorway of the lounge, his pager clipped to his waistband and a crooked smile on his face. "alright, rookie." he said, gesturing with his chin toward the hallway. "lunchtime. let's get you down to the cafeteria before the neuro research team eats all the spicy pork bowls."

you stood up, smoothing down the front of your coat, and followed him down the long corridor toward the glass elevators. walking beside him felt easy, the hyper vigilant shield you usually wore around senior colleagues, and people in general, starting to feel a little lighter. your feet moved at an unhurried pace instead of the frantic scurry you had spent years mastering.

the cafeteria on the lower level was massive, flooded with bright sunshine pouring through the floor to ceiling glass windows that looked out onto the manicured green courtyard. the space was filled with the chaotic symphony of hospital life — the clatter of plastic trays, the low murmur of dozens of conversations, and the rhythmic squeak of sneakers on polished tile. just as you and daniel grabbed your trays and stepped into the salad line, an insistent electronic beep cut through the noise.

daniel unclipped his pager, his brow furrowing as he read the glowing green text on the tiny screen. he let out an apologetic groan, turning to look at you with a genuinely remorseful expression. "ah, damn it, y/n, i'm so sorry. there’s a critical intake issue down in ward b and they need a senior signature immediately. look," he said, pointing a finger toward a sunlit circular table near the center of the room where a girl with a high ponytail and bright pink crocs was violently waving her napkin at him. "go sit with lily. she’s one of our triage nurses on the psychiatric floor and she knows literally every single soul in this building. she won't let you sit alone, i promise. i'll catch up with you in twenty minutes."

"it's totally fine. thank you so much, daniel." you said, offering him a reassuring smile before balancing your tray in your hands and making your way toward the table.

lily didn't even wait for you to sit down before she pulled out the plastic chair next to her, her face lighting up with the kind of uncritical friendliness that you had spent years believing didn't exist in these kind of environments. "you're y/n, right? the new psych junior? daniel’s been talking about your research abstract for three days straight." she said, sliding her container of sliced strawberries toward the middle of the table to share. "sit, please. tell me everything. how was your morning? did nurse may try to scare you with the intake stack yet?"

"she was actually really sweet." you murmured, sitting down and feeling a genuine chuckle bubble up in your throat. "she told me she would protect me if daniel tried to dump his paperwork on my desk."

"oh, absolutely. may is the undisputed queen of this wing." lily laughed, leaning forward on her elbows, her eyes sparkling with a playful sort of energy. "but don't let the maternal vibe fool you. if you take her designated parking spot in the lower deck, she will systematically destroy your clinical rotation schedule. it’s a known fact."

for the next fifteen minutes, you actually found yourself having fun. it was an intoxicating sensation. you sat there eating your lunch, listening to lily dish out the entire social landscape of st. jude’s in a way that was entirely devoid of malice. she wasn't talking about who was publishing more or who had the highest accuracy ratings. she was telling you about the head of cardiology who accidentally wore mismatched shoes to a board meeting, and the radiology resident who was secretly terrified of the dark. you were smiling, your shoulders dropping completely as you let out a light laugh that felt real, a sound that hadn't crossed your lips in a standard hospital setting since the day you packed your bags into cardboard boxes. you felt like a normal girl, a normal twenty four year old having lunch with a coworker, completely wrapped in the warm cocoon of a life that finally made sense.

"oh, but wait, if you really want to know about the elite tier of the hospital, you have to look at the research tables by the courtyard glass." lily whispered suddenly, her tone shifting from bubbly amusement into a slightly dramatic drop that people usually reserve for campus legends or untouchable royalty. she nodded subtly toward the far end of the cafeteria, where the light from the courtyard windows was so bright it casted long shadows across the floor. "that’s the neuro analytics team. they're basically treated like gods by the administration because their data models bring in millions in grant funding every single quarter. but honestly? they are a bunch of absolute weirdos."

you took a sip of your water, still smiling, completely entertained by her commentary. "why do you say that?"

"because they're all completely socially inept, especially the golden boy resident they recruited a year ago." lily murmured, resting her chin in her hand as her eyes scanned the distant table. "god, the drama surrounding that guy is unreal. he came in from some insanely prestigious ivy league track. top of his class, brilliant beyond belief, the kind of mind that makes the chief practically weep with joy. but he is a literal ice cube, y/n. he’s been here like fourteen months and i don't think a single person has ever seen him actually laugh. all the nursing interns try to flirt with him, because he is honestly hot as fuck, but he just looks right through them like they're statistical noise."

the word hit the back of your throat like a drop of freezing water, your smile faltering just a fraction at the familiar terminology, a faint taste of old anxiety suddenly tingling on the back of your tongue.

"seriously, it’s almost tragic." lily continued, completely oblivious to the way your hand had gone entirely still against your napkins. "he works eighty hour weeks, lives in the high level research labs, and looks like he hasn't slept a full night since 2023. people think the mystery is hot though, i guess. his name is-"

"jake sim." lily said, finishing her sentence with a casual pop of a strawberry into her mouth, completely unaware that she had just dropped a live grenade onto the middle of the table. "honestly, just looking at him makes my own anxiety spike."

the name didn't just ring in your ears. it settled into the marrow of your bones with a dull ache that you hadn't felt in months. for the longest time, you had systematically scrubbed his name out of your vocabulary, burying it under stacks of cheap textbooks, twelve hour filing shifts, and the exhausting routine of survival. your heart did a violent thud against your ribs, and for a split second, your skin prickled with the phantom sensation of that dark balcony.

but as the initial shock rippled through your chest, something strange happened. the ground beneath your feet didn't disappear.

you felt the cool plastic of your new ID badge resting securely against your blazer. you felt the genuine sunlight washing over your shoulders from the courtyard glass, and you looked at lily, who was still sitting across from you, completely safe and friendly. you weren't that empty girl with seven hundred dollars in her savings account anymore. you had clawed your way through the dirt to earn this white coat, and you had built a life out of nothing but your own resilience. you were finally alive, and you were sure the ghost of jake sim didn't have the power to pull you back into the dark.

slowly, you turned your head. your eyes shifted past the crowded tables, the clattering trays, and the laughing interns, tracking the bright midday light until it hit the far end of the cafeteria against the glass panels.

there he was.

he looked so entirely different that it almost made your breath hitch in your throat, a quiet gasp trapped behind your teeth. the frantic brilliance that used to radiate off him like a sunburn was completely gone, replaced by a suffocating stillness that made him look entirely detached from the room around him. he was wearing his crisp white coat over a dark charcoal sweater, a pair of thin glasses perched on the bridge of his nose as he sat slouched over a tablet covered in complex data models.

lily hadn't been exaggerating — he looked utterly hollowed out.

his sharp jawline seemed even more pronounced against his pale skin, his shoulders slumped forward in a total collapse of posture that made him look incredibly small despite his broad frame. the dark circles beneath his eyes were deep and bruised, a physical manifestation of a quiet rot that no amount of ivy league prestige could cure.

he looked like he was suffocating in the very tower he had broken both of you to keep. you sat there and watched him from afar, a strange mixture of old grief and quiet pity twisting in your stomach. you had spent years believing that he had won everything, that his charisma, his intelligence, his money and his status had bought him a flawless path while you were left to bleed in a cramped spare room. but looking at him now, the contrast was blindingly clear.

and then, as if feeling the sudden weight of your gaze cutting through the white noise of the cafeteria, his slouched shoulders suddenly went completely rigid.

jake slowly lifted his head from his tablet. through the thin silver frames of his glasses, his dark eyes scanned the crowded room with a cold indifference — until they hit your table. until they locked directly onto you.

the world didn't just stop, it felt like it imploded. the color completely drained from jake's face within a fraction of a second, his entire body freezing so abruptly his fingers slipped off the edge of his tablet. behind his glasses, his eyes opened with a raw shock that was so visceral you could feel it across the distance of the room. he didn't blink. he just stared at you, his chest rising and falling in shallow hitches as if he were looking at a literal ghost.

the mutual panic between you was thick, a dark wire pulling tight until it bruised. your heart was hammering against your ribs like a trapped bird, the urge to run out of the cafeteria scratching at the back of your throat. because despite the new white coat on your back and the ID badge pinned to your blazer, you momentarily felt like that same broken girl, and he momentarily looked like the boy who still held the pieces.

jake didn't move. his knuckles turned white where his hands gripped the edge of the laminate table, a plastic pen slipping from his fingers and rolling off the surface with a dull click that you couldn't hear across the noise, but saw perfectly. the suffocating intensity in his stare was exactly the same as it had been on that fire escape — a direct line cutting through years of separation like it was nothing but thin air. you wanted to look away, you desperately needed to tear your eyes from his, but your muscles felt like concrete.

"y/n? god, you've gone totally white." lily’s voice suddenly pierced through the static in your ears, her hand warm and solid as it pressed firmly into your forearm. the touch felt like an electric shock, forcing the oxygen back into your lungs and breaking the invisible wire that had been pinning you to your chair. you forced your head down, the movement so abrupt it made the bright cafeteria blur into a messy smear of white and green.

"i'm fine." you choked out, your voice sounding incredibly small, a brittle lie that scratched at your throat. you stared at your tray, your fingers trembling so violently against your napkin that you had to tuck your hands between your knees just to hide the shaking. "just... a sudden head rush. i think the fluorescent lights are just a bit much today."

"are you sure? you look like you're about to faint." lily murmured, her playful energy instantly evaporating into genuine concern as she leaned closer, trying to read your downcast face. "do you want me to get you some juice from the counter? or we can go back to the junior lounge where it's quieter."

"no, no, i'm okay, promise." you whispered, forcing a mechanical smile onto your face as you risked raising your chin just enough to look at her, completely terrified of what would happen if your eyes drifted back toward the glass panels. "just give me a second. i just need to breathe."

but even with your back partially turned and your eyes glued to the table, you could still feel him. his gaze was a physical weight on the side of your neck, hot and heavy, a silent scream cutting through the clatter of silverware and the low murmur of the hospital staff. you were supposed to be safe here. you had bled for years to earn this position, to prove to yourself that your worth wasn't tied to his world, but the mere sight of him had reduced all that hard earned resilience into a fragile shield.

you took a slow sip of your water, using both hands to keep the plastic cup from rattling against your teeth. out of the very edge of your peripheral vision, you saw the distant shadow by the window finally change shape. jake hadn't stood up to come toward you. instead, his broad shoulders had slouched even deeper forward, his head dropping slowly into his hands as his fingers tangled desperately in his dark hair, now stripped of the recognizable bleach from your college years. the sight of his collapse sent a strange shiver down your spine. you weren't better than him, and you certainly weren't healed — the frantic thumping of your heart was proof enough of that. seeing the golden boy of your past university completely undone by your mere existence was a complicated pill to swallow.

"hey, daniel's back." lily said softly, nodding toward the entrance where daniel was weaving through the tables, his expression still hurried.

you swallowed the lump in your throat, smoothing down your coat with numb fingers, preparing yourself to look normal, to look functional, to look like the junior psychologist you were supposed to be. even as the ghost from the fire escape sat just a few yards away, drowning in the exact same room.

"hey, sorry that took longer than expected." daniel said, his voice dropping into the empty space at the table as he slid into the chair across from you. he smelled faintly of the cold air from the lower corridors and sterile hand sanitizer, his presence a grounding burst of normal reality. "some intern completely botched a medication reconciliation chart on a sectioned patient down in ward b. absolute nightmare."

you forced your chin up, the muscles in your neck so rigid they actually ached as you offered him a small nod. you had spent the entirety of your gap year learning how to look perfectly functional when your insides were completely hollowed out, and that defensive muscle memory kicked in now with a terrifying efficiency.

"it's fine." you murmured, your voice sounding a little distant, like it belonged to someone else entirely. "lily kept me entertained."

lily looked between the two of you, her eyes lingering on the way your knuckles were still white around your plastic water cup. "she had a bit of a sudden head rush, actually." she told daniel, her playful tone dropping into something more subdued. "i think the air down here is just a little suffocating today. she went completely pale for a second."

daniel’s brows furrowed, his gaze instantly shifting to your face with genuine concern. "you okay, y/n? the first day is a massive sensory overload, honestly. if you need to sit out the afternoon intake observations, i can easily tell the supervisor you're still adjusting."

"no, really, i'm okay." you interrupted, the words tumbling out a little too fast, a little too sharp. you couldn't afford to look weak on your first day. you couldn’t lose your footing the second you crossed the finish line. and more than anything, you refused to let the boy by the window be the reason you stumbled. "just needed some water. i'm ready for the rest of the tour, daniel. really." you stood up, your knees feeling uncomfortably loose beneath your trousers, your hands gripping the edges of your plastic tray with unnecessary force just to keep them from trembling.

as the three of you cleared the table and walked toward the tray return conveyor belt, you were forced to walk a path that ran parallel to the long row of courtyard windows. you didn't look, keeping your eyes locked strictly on the blue fabric of daniel's scrubs ahead of you. but the human brain is a cruel machine, as it mapped out the coordinates of your oldest wound without your permission.

still, you kept walking, the metal doors of the elevator finally sliding shut with a soft click. as it lifted toward the fourth floor, you kept your eyes trained on the small digital floor indicator, watching the numbers glow in the quiet air, forcing your lungs to expand and contract in a mechanical pattern. you had to keep it together. you had a job to do, a life to maintain, and you couldn't afford to crumble into dust before your first afternoon was even halfway over.

the outpatient psychiatric wing was quiet, a stark and comforting contrast to the sensory chaos of the lower floors. the hallways here were wide, painted a muted sage green that seemed designed to absorb the ambient anxiety of the building, and the harsh fluorescent glare was replaced by soft track lighting that casted gentle shadows against the polished floors.

daniel led you down the corridor, his sneakers making a faint squeak against the floor until he stopped outside a dark wood door with a small plastic nameplate reading office 312 — y/n, junior clinician.

"here's your space." daniel murmured, pushing the door open to reveal a compact but cozy room. a heavy oak desk sat against the wall, a tall bookshelf stood empty and waiting for your texts, and two charcoal grey armchairs faced each other near a wide window that looked out over the quiet tops of the courtyard trees. on the corner of the desk, a thick stack of manila folders was waiting for you — your first real patient intake roster. "i'll leave you to look over the files for an hour. at two, we'll do a joint observation in consultation room b. take a breath, y/n. you made it through the first morning."

you managed a small nod, offering him a professional smile as he closed the door behind him. the heavy wood clicked into place, insulating you from the rest of the hospital, and for a few minutes, you forced yourself to go through the motions of a normal life. you sat in the leather chair, logged into the clinical database, and arranged your highlighters in a perfectly straight line. you opened the first file, your thumb tracing the words generalized anxiety disorder and maladaptive coping strategies, trying to anchor yourself to the clinical reality that you were a professional now. you belonged there.

but the moment the room fell entirely still, the clinical terms blurred on the page, and your gaze drifted helplessly toward the glass pane of the window.

your outside shell was holding up perfectly — you had spoken to daniel, you had accepted the paperwork, you were clicking through the software exactly like a competent junior clinician should. but inside, your chest felt completely hollowed out, your mind utterly hijacked by the image of the boy from the cafeteria table.

you were deeply moved by that moment, and it terrified you how easily the mere sight of him could still rip the air straight out of your lungs. for years, you had carried a defensive but silent anger like a shield, entirely convinced that jake had walked away from your ruined relationship with his hands full of gold. you had pictured him thriving on his prestigious track, moving through his wealthy world with that same infuriating, effortless arrogance, completely untouched by the gravity that had left you counting coins in a dark room.

but the difference between the boy in your memory and the person sitting by that window was devastating. you remembered a jake whose posture was always straight with competitive pride, whose dark eyes snapped with magnetic energy whenever he spoke about his research models. he used to look entirely untouchable, like the world was something he could just bend to his will.

but the guy down there today looked smaller. the way his broad shoulders had slouched forward in that exhausted collapse. the deep, bruised hollows beneath his eyes. the frantic way his fingers had tangled in his dark hair — it was so incredibly easy to see how much he had changed.

as you sat in the quiet of your new office, your hands were still ice cold, the erratic thumping against your ribs a painful reminder that you were still incredibly fragile. but as you reached forward to open the next patient file, forcing your trembling fingers to grip the tab, a strange quiet finally settled over your panic. you were okay. your life was actually starting now and you wouldn’t let anyone or anything mess with that, not even your own self.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the weeks that followed that first afternoon slowly bled into a steady rhythm, the sharp edges of your initial panic gradually wearing down until they were nothing more than a manageable hum. the outpatient wing became a space that didn't just feel safe, but familiar. you learned the strange language of the charting software, figured out exactly how nurse may liked her intake summaries formatted, and found that the charcoal grey armchairs in office 312 actually held the weight of a lot of heavy stories without breaking. to your own quiet surprise, you weren't just getting by, you were actually good at your job. the long years you had spent being hyper vigilant in a spare bedroom, analyzing every slight shift in the air just to survive, finally translated into an intuitive competence. even the socializing part of your life was slowly losing its friction. you found yourself lingering by the central horseshoe desk just to exchange soft, dry humor with nurse may, or letting lily drag you down to the lower courtyard for quick coffee breaks. you were learning how to take up space again, and your outside shell was finally starting to feel less like a fragile shield and more like real skin.

it was a rainy tuesday afternoon in late november when you were just finishing up your notes. as you typed on your laptop, daniel knocked lightly on your open door, a thick blue binder tucked securely under his arm. 

"hey, y/n." daniel said, leaning against the doorframe with a tired but collaborative smile. "the chief is pushing for a cross-departmental review on our chronic outpatient queue. we’re trying to integrate our clinical cognitive tracking with the new predictive data models from neuro-analytics to see if we can catch patient regression earlier. we're doing a quick briefing in consultation room c."

"sure, let me just grab my tablet." you murmured, closing your own folder and sliding it into your drawer. you stood up, automatically smoothing down the front of your coat, the fabric now broken in and comfortable against your shoulders. you felt normal. you felt capable as you followed daniel down the sage green corridor, chatting idly about how his morning went.

when daniel pushed open the heavy door to consultation room c, the air inside was quiet, illuminated by the soft gray light filtering through a high window. a senior research coordinator named dr. vance was already standing by the digital whiteboard, his stylus tapping against the screen as he pulled up a series of complex graphs.

but it wasn't the graphs that made the blood instantly turn to ice in your veins.

sitting at the far end of the long metal conference table, slouched low over a glowing laptop, was jake. his pale fingers were moving across his keyboard in a mechanical blur, reminding you of the agonizing hours you used to spend watching him do that, looking just as hollowed out as he had some weeks ago. his broad shoulders curved inward in that heavy collapse of posture, completely detached from the room around him.

"ah, perfect, the clinical team is here." dr. vance said, looking up from the board with an energetic nod. he gestured toward the empty chairs opposite the table, entirely oblivious to the way your entire body had gone completely rigid the second your shoes hit the carpet. "y/n, come on in, take a seat."

jake’s fingers froze instantly on his keyboard.

slowly, as if the movement required an immense amount of physical effort, his head lifted. through the thin frames of his glasses, his dark eyes fixed directly onto you. the indifference that usually masked his face shattered within a fraction of a second, his jaw tightening so hard the muscle visibly jumped beneath his skin. the color drained from his lips, his chest rising in a shallow hitch that you could hear perfectly in the quiet room.

you looked around nervously, seeing that a handful of people were already gathered around the long metal conference table. dr. vance spoke again, quickly taking you out of your trance. "everyone, this is y/n, our new junior clinician on the outpatient slots. y/n, this is dr. cho from neurology, anna from stats, and over there is jake sim from neuro-analytics."

jake didn't move. his hand was still hovering over his laptop, his knuckles turning a stark white as he waited.

you wanted to run, but you didn’t. you couldn’t. instead, you took a slow, deliberate breath, forcing your outside shell to hold together with an icy efficiency. before the silence could stretch into something strange, you offered the table a polite smile and gave a casual nod in his direction.

"oh, we actually know each other." you said, your voice sounding remarkably light, completely devoid of any weight or history, as if you were talking about an old acquaintance you barely remembered. "jake and i. we went to the same undergrad university. good to see you, jake."

the words dropped into the room like a casual breeze, but across the table, jake looked like he had been physically struck. you actually didn’t know why you had said that, or if it even was appropriate in that setting. but the survival instinct had taken over before your conscious brain could even veto it. it was a defense mechanism, pure and simple — a desperate strike to set the boundaries before both of your expressions could give you away to the entire room. if you made him small, if you treated him like nothing more than an old classmate you casually ran into, then the ghost couldn't drag you back into the dark. you were claiming the narrative before he could even speak, forcing the past into a box neither of you were allowed to open.

"oh, small world! i love when that happens." dr. vance chuckled, completely missing the way the color had entirely drained from your faces. he turned back to the whiteboard, tapping the stylus against the screen. "well, that makes communication easier. y/n, for this pilot, you'll be coordinating your weekly clinical tracking metrics directly with anna and dr. cho. jake is going to be handling the macro backend algorithm on the upper floors, so he'll just be pulling from the shared database."

"perfect, that works great for me." you murmured, sliding into an empty chair next to daniel, completely removing your gaze from the far end of the table.

you opened your tablet, your fingers perfectly steady as you focused on the tracking graphs, completely refusing to look back at him. but even without looking, you could feel the crushing weight of his stare burning into the side of your face.

the remaining twenty minutes of the briefing passed in a dull blur. you kept your eyes anchored to the glass screen of your tablet, your fingers tracing the plastic bezel with a mechanical pressure, completely hyper-aware of how the air in the room had turned thick and heavy.

when dr. vance finally clicked his presentation shut, the sound of chairs scraping against the floor felt like a jarring rescue. you moved with quiet efficiency without looking across the table. you didn't wait to see if jake would stand up, or if the coldness in his eyes would melt into something else. you simply slid your tablet into your bag, gave dr. cho and anna a professional farewell nod, and walked out the door alongside daniel.

the frantic rhythm of your chest didn’t truly settle until you were three corridors away, the heavy double doors of the outpatient wing clicking shut behind you and daniel like a physical shield. you had spent the entire walk down the hallway nodding mechanically at daniel’s casual commentary about pharmacy backlogs, your outside shell perfectly intact, while inside, your mind was a spinning wreckage. you had actually done it. you had looked right into those dark eyes — the same eyes that had watched you break, the same eyes that had haunted every quiet room you had gone in for years — and you had reduced him to a footnote. as you kept walking, the phantom taste of adrenaline left a bitter weight under your tongue.

but you didn't look back. and for the next few weeks, you made sure it stayed that way.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the following days didn't bring a clean break, but rather a slow stretching of time. november bled seamlessly into a frost rimed december, the hospital windows growing opaque with sheets of gray winter rain. you adapted with a quiet precision, rewriting the internal map of your entire life around your new routine and his avoidance. you learned the exact cadence of the neuro-analytics shift changes. you knew never to take the central elevators between noon and one o'clock. you even memorized the specific smell of the fourth floor crossover bridge just so you could avoid it entirely. you told yourself you were healing because you weren't running away, but the exhausting amount of mental math it took to ensure your paths never crossed was a violent proof that he still occupied every corner of your brain.

yet, the hospital was an interlocking machine, and no matter how thick you built the walls of your fortress downstairs, the central server kept pulling your names into the same dark water. every tuesday and thursday evening, you were forced to log into the pilot program's shared ledger to input your clinical outcomes. and there, sitting quietly at the bottom of the encrypted data stream, his digital footprint would appear. j. sim. a timestamp at 7:42 pm. a database synchronization at 2:14 am. you would stare at the glowing gray characters on your screen, your chest tightening with a strange intimacy. you weren't speaking, you hadn't exchanged a single syllable since that morning in consultation room c, but you were reading his insomnia in the margins of the system logs. you knew exactly how late he was staying up, how obsessively he was twisting the code around your clinical notes, while he, on the upper floors, was watching your data drop into his system with the exact same silent regularity. it was a cold war fought in glowing pixels, both of you pretending to be ghosts while leaving digital footprints all over each other's work.

it was a freezing, stormy thursday night when the outpatient wing completely emptied out, leaving you alone in office 312 under the low hum of the fluorescent lights. you were just finishing the final entry on a critical, high risk observation file — a profile that absolutely required the morning analytics baseline — when your screen suddenly flashed a harsh crimson. the system locked. a stark, red diagnostic message blinked against your eyes: 

critical error: data sync corruption. cross-departmental token required for manual override. please report to neuro-analytics hub for physical database alignment.

you stared at the blinking cursor, a heavy knot of dread dropping straight into your stomach. the administrative staff had gone home hours ago. there were no on call tech couriers left on the lower floors. if you didn't manually push the token through before midnight, the patient’s entire chart would wipe, and the blame would land squarely on your pristine new record. you couldn't lose this job. you couldn't let your wreckage ruin this sanctuary.

with trembling fingers, you ejected the local backup drive, your heart already starting that familiar clatter against your ribs as you stepped into the darkened elevator. the numbers on the digital display ticked upward with a terrifying speed.

when the silver doors slid open on the seventh floor, the air instantly changed. floor seven didn't hold the soft sage green warmth of your clinical spaces. it was a sprawling labyrinth of brushed steel, glass partitions, and exposed concrete. it smelled strongly of ozone and expensive server cooling units, illuminated only by the deep blue glow of oversized workstation monitors. your flats made a terribly loud click against the polished floor as you moved through the maze of empty desks, your hand gripping the flash drive inside your pocket until your knuckles turned white.

"hello?" you called out, your voice sounding remarkably small, swallowed up by the heavy silence of the tech hub. "is there a resident analyst on duty? i need a clinical sync override."

no one answered. the silence stretched out, thick and heavy with the hum of a hundred cooling fans. you walked deeper into the heart of the floor, towards a private research alcove at the very back where a single amber desk lamp casted a long shadow across the concrete. the heavy glass door was propped slightly open.

you stepped up to the threshold, your lips parted to speak, but the breath died instantly in your throat.

jake was there.

he was entirely alone in the darkened lab, slouched so low in a heavy leather chair he looked almost broken by it. his white coat was gone, discarded carelessly over a nearby partition, leaving him in just a thin sweater that clung to the sharp lines of his shoulders. his glasses were pushed carelessly up into his messy dark hair, and his forehead was pressed hard into the palm of his hand as he stared blindly at a massive wall of cascading code. he looked utterly unraveled — the charismatic golden boy who used to glide through university lecture halls with a lazy ease was completely gone. in his place was a hollowed out resident, his face starkly pale under the light, seemingly surviving on nothing but caffeine and pure willpower.

the sound of your shallow intake of air cut through the low drone of the servers like a physical blow.

jake’s fingers froze instantly against his temple. slowly, his head lifted, his dark eyes adjusting to the dim light before they drifted toward the doorway. the exact second his gaze landed on you standing there, the exhausted slouch vanished. his entire frame went completely rigid, his jaw clenching so hard a sharp muscle hitched beneath his skin. he didn't move, and he didn't speak, but his chest began to rise and fall in a ragged pattern as the trap slammed shut around both of you. there were no senior coordinators there, no statistics teams, and no daniel to slide between your spaces. you were entirely exposed, locked in his high tower, with absolutely nowhere left to hide.

the silence that followed was so absolute you could hear the faint click of the cooling fans overriding the main server grid. neither of you moved. for five suffocating seconds, you just stood frozen on the threshold, your fingers digging into the plastic casing of the flash drive inside your pocket until the edges painfully bit into your palm. you became hyper aware of every single detail — the amber glow of the desk lamp cutting across his pale cheekbones, the way his dark hair was slightly damp from the storm outside, the crushing weight of his eyes locking onto yours.

almost mechanically, jake reached up and pulled his glasses down from his hair, sliding them back onto the bridge of his nose. the movement was deliberate, a shield to put between his exhausted face and your sudden presence.

"the data sync crashed." you said. your voice sounded shockingly thin in the vast concrete lab, a fragile thread that you desperately tried to lace with clinical authority. "outpatient database. it threw a cross-departmental corruption error. i need a physical token override before midnight or the file wipes."

jake didn't answer right away. he just stared at you through his lenses, his jaw working silently as he processed the actual sound of your voice. it wasn't a casual remark thrown across a crowded conference table anymore, but your voice, directly addressing him, alone in the dark.

"give it to me." he finally muttered. his tone was incredibly low, rough and gravelly from hours of silence and too much black coffee. it lacked any of that effortless charisma that used to make entire lecture halls lean in toward him. it just sounded incredibly tired and incredibly bitter.

you took three slow steps into his space, every muscle in your legs screaming at you to turn around and run back to the elevator. you pulled the small silver flash drive from your pocket and held it out, your arm stiff, keeping as much physical distance between your bodies as humanly possible. jake reached out to take it. he was meticulously careful not to let his fingers brush against yours, a deliberate avoidance that felt more intimate than an actual touch. he snatched the drive, the cold metal clicking against his keyboard as he slotted it into the side of his terminal.

the silence returned, heavier this time, punctuated only by the aggressive clack of his fingers hitting the keys. you stood just a step behind his shoulder, your eyes tracking the reflection of the cascading blue data lines across the glass of his monitors. your heart was hammering a violent rhythm against your ribs, a wild animal trying to break free of your crisp white coat. you didn't know where to look, you didn't know what to do with your hands. you just stood there, drowning in the suffocating scent of his sterile soap and bitter espresso.

"it’s a localized token block." jake said, his eyes never leaving the screen, his fingers moving with a terrifyingly robotic speed. "outpatient didn't clear the analytics queue from tuesday. your department is sloppy."

the petty, defensive swipe hit you like a low blow, a sudden flash of the old undergrad jake who couldn't bear to let you have an inch of ground without indirectly reminding you that he was still number one. but somehow, this time it was really direct. a strange heat flared in your chest, melting a tiny fraction of your icy composure.

"our department is handling eighty intakes a day, jake." you murmured, keeping your face carefully blank, though your tone caught on a sharp edge. "we don't have the luxury of sitting in a quiet glass tower playing with algorithms all night. some of us are actually dealing with human beings."

jake’s fingers froze instantly over the keyboard. the sudden halt of the clicking was jarring, making the empty room feel entirely too small again. he didn't look up at the screen, and he didn't look back at you. he just stared at his own knuckles, his broad shoulders rising and falling in a long, ragged exhale.

"is that what you think this is?" he whispered. the venom was gone, replaced by a bleeding misery that made your stomach twist in a deeply uncomfortable way. "playing around?"

you swallowed hard, the cold knot of internal turmoil tightening until it was hard to draw a full breath. deep down, in the places you spent so much time trying to bury under clinical charts, you knew he wasn't playing. you knew he was suffocating there just as much as you had been suffocating in that humid bedroom. you knew you were both ghosts trying to pretend the haunting wasn't real. but admitting that meant letting the walls crumble, and if the walls crumbled, you wouldn't survive the night.

"i just need the file synced." you whispered back, your voice dropping into that polite detachment that probably drove him insane. "that's all i'm here for."

jake let out a breathy sound, a bitter excuse for a laugh. he finally turned his head, looking up at you from his slouched position in the heavy leather chair. from this close, beneath the harsh light of the lamp, you could see those dark bruises of exhaustion under his eyes. he looked so fragile it made your chest physically ache.

"you're so good at that." he murmured, his dark eyes searching your face with an agonizing intensity, looking for any crack in your mask. "the polite junior clinician. the perfect colleague. you look right at me and you don't even blink. how do you do it, y/n? how do you act like you didn't leave a total disaster behind you?"

"jake, please-"

"i stayed away from that floor for months now." he cut you off, his voice trembling slightly, the flat edge of his clinical persona fracturing completely in the quiet lab. "i checked the schedules. i took the back stairs. i did everything i could because i thought... i thought if i saw you, it would kill me. and then you walk into a briefing, look me in the eye, and tell the chief we're just old university acquaintances." he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his face just inches away from your coat. "we didn't just go to university together, y/n." he whispered, his eyes wide, swimming with a raw mix of resentment and pure unadulterated longing. "and you know it."

your outside shell felt like it was fracturing, tiny cracks spreading across your entire composure as the sheer weight of his words pressed against you. you wanted to scream at him. you wanted to ask him why he was acting like the victim when he was the one who kept the perfect scores, the perfect path, the perfect building while you had to rebuild your entire mind from scratch. but the survival instinct — that icy, brilliant shield — held the pieces together at the absolute last second.

you took a small step backward, pulling yourself out of the circle of amber light, out of his immediate space. "the system log says the override is pending." you said, your voice remarkably level, light, and entirely devoid of any history, as if he hadn't just laid his ribs bare in front of you. you pointed a steady finger toward the glowing green progress bar on his monitor. "is it clear to eject?"

jake stared at you, his mouth parting just a fraction, looking a bit dizzy from the quiet rejection. the raw emotion in his eyes instantly curdled into a defeated vacancy. you had given him absolutely nowhere to put his anger. you had treated his bleeding heart like an inappropriate interruption to a data transfer. without another word, he reached out, clicked the safety eject button, and pulled the flash drive from the slot. he didn't look at you as he held it out, his hand perfectly still, his eyes fixed blindly on the cascading rows of code. "it's clear." he said flatly, his tone completely dropping back into that lower register, devoid of any warmth or friction.

"thank you, jake." you murmured softly. you took the drive, slipping it back into your pocket, and turned on your heel. your flats made that same lonely click against the polished concrete as you walked away from the alcove, leaving him sitting entirely alone in there, drowning in the silence you refused to break.

the second the weight of his presence was lifted, the fragile scaffolding of your composure didn't just crack — it completely crumbled. you hit the button for the fourth floor, your hand trembling so violently your fingernail clicked sharply against the plastic. you dropped your forehead against the cold stainless steel wall of the elevator, your breath coming in short hitches that fogged the metal right in front of your eyes. your heart was hammering a terrifying rhythm against your ribs, a loud thumping that felt less like a pulse and more like a physical betrayal. that was the part that made you want to scream. you had spent so much time convincing yourself that you were whole. you had sat through countless hours of silence in a tiny apartment, learning how to breathe through the memories, forcing yourself to believe that you had outgrown the wreckage of undergrad. he had come to your mind, of course — in the quiet space between sleep and waking, or when the smell of stale coffee hit a room just right. but you thought you had built an ocean between who you were then and who you were now.

yet, one look at him slouched under that lamp, one sound of his voice dropping into that gravelly register, and your body acted like it was still twenty, trapped on that freezing fire escape, completely unraveled by him. you hadn't grown at all. you had just built a very expensive, very fragile glass box around a fire that was still burning.

why was it beating so fast? you thought, your fingers curling into the fabric of your coat, desperately trying to steady the frantic rise and fall of your chest. you’re a clinician. you know the physiology of panic. force it down. breathe in for four. hold.

but your brain refused to follow the clinical rules. because louder than the panic was the sudden prickle of a deep confusion. you didn't even recognize the girl who had just spoken to him. where had that ice come from? when he had looked up at you, his eyes wide and swimming with that confusing gaze, everything inside you had screamed to reach out, to touch the sleeve of his dark sweater, to ask him if he was eating, if he was sleeping, if he was okay. but instead, your mouth had opened and delivered a series of perfectly timed, brutal rejections. you had treated his emotions like a system error.

you didn't fully understand why you were being like that. it was like your brain had split in two: one half dying to scream his name, and the other half operating with a robotic efficiency that felt entirely alien to you. you were protecting yourself, you knew that deep down, but the sheer coldness of your own voice scared you. you had turned into a monster just to keep him from seeing that you were still bleeding.

and then there was his anger. the elevator jolted as it passed the fifth floor, and a sudden wave of resentment washed through your veins, turning the cold panic into defensive fury. how dare he be mad at you? how dare he stand there in his high tower and act like you had packed your bags and walked away because you wanted to? he knew. he knew better than anyone in the world that you hadn't chosen to leave. you had been forced out. you had been completely shattered, reduced to nothing but a hollow shell while he got to keep the perfect scores, the perfect path, the prestigious analytics spot on the seventh floor. you had left because staying would have killed you. it was survival, pure and simple.

and yet, he was looking at you with those resentful eyes, accusing you of leaving a disaster behind, as if he hadn't been the one holding the match. it almost felt like he was angry because you weren't still broken. it felt like he was angry because you had dared to put on a white coat and heal yourself without his permission. which was absurd to think about, if you were honest. you couldn't possibly know what he was thinking anymore, since you barely knew what your own self was thinking at that point.

"you don't get to be the victim, jake." you whispered into the empty elevator, your voice shaking as an angry tear finally escaped, hot and stinging against your cheek. "you don't get to be the one who's hurt."

the elevator chime gave a soft ding as the doors slid open to the warm, safe, sage green corridors of the fourth floor. you wiped your face with an aggressive swipe of your sleeve, drawing your shoulders back and forcing your spine to go completely rigid once more. you stepped out into the quiet hallway, your mind a chaotic storm of confusion and unresolved history, entirely conscious of the silver drive heavy in your pocket.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the days continued anyway, like they always did. people still showed up to work carrying paper cups of coffee, the elevators still dinged every few minutes, patients still talked to you in your office about divorces and panic attacks and impossible childhoods. the seasons shifted almost lazily outside the hospital windows, the trees in the courtyard gradually surrendering their last amber leaves until only dark branches remained against the winter sky.

and somewhere inside all of that ordinary movement, your own life quietly continued growing around the wound. but it wasn't linear, because seeing jake like that had definitely affected you.

some mornings, you woke up convinced that you had finally left that version of yourself behind. you drove to work with the windows cracked open despite the cold, singing softly along to whatever song happened to be playing through the speakers, your fingers tapping absentmindedly against the steering wheel as the city slowly came to life around you. you would stop at the café two blocks from the hospital because the owner had started remembering your order, and there was something deeply comforting about hearing someone smile as they asked, "the usual?".

other mornings, you caught the faint smell of burnt coffee drifting from the staff lounge, and before you even understood why your chest had tightened, you were back inside that library. the old one. fluorescent lights humming overhead, rows of impossibly tall bookshelves, the constant clicking of keyboards echoing through the silence. jake, sitting across from you with one elbow resting against the table, completely oblivious to the fact that he had somehow become the center of your entire peripheral vision. your body remembered him before your mind ever had the chance to object.

and somehow, it happened constantly. someone staying late finishing documentation, someone quietly correcting a typo on one of your shared reports before you noticed it, someone absentmindedly pushing a mug toward you because they knew you had forgotten to eat lunch. the library. him.

you hated that place and you hated that person. you hated how something as ordinary as a shared document could still make your stomach twist. sometimes, while waiting for a patient's file to load, you found yourself staring at the blinking cursor on your screen. and all you could think about was another cursor, years ago, appearing underneath yours at two thirty seven in the morning.

lately, you had begun wondering if you were actually haunted by who you had been whenever he was around instead of just being haunted by him. that girl had lived every single day with her shoulders pulled too tightly together, measuring her own worth against numbers on a ranking board and believing exhaustion was something admirable. sometimes, sitting across from your own patients while they slowly untangled years of anxiety, you almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. you could explain the physiology of chronic stress without looking at your notes. you knew exactly what prolonged hypervigilance did to the brain. yet somehow, your own nervous system still reacted to memories of a university library like it was preparing for impact.

he wasn't even there, hadn't been for months. and still your heartbeat occasionally forgot what year it was.

but life kept insisting on happening anyway. lily had somehow decided you were incapable of eating lunch alone. she would appear outside your office almost every afternoon without fail, leaning dramatically against your doorframe.

"come on." she would sigh theatrically. "if you make me eat cafeteria pasta by myself one more time i'm reporting you to hr."

you always rolled your eyes, but you always went anyway.

daniel started saving you coffee whenever he was on early rounds. nurse may had stopped introducing you as "the new junior." somewhere along the way, you had simply become y/n. people knocked before entering your office because they respected your space. patients asked for you by name. and your bookshelf slowly filled with textbooks, sticky notes, and the tiny ceramic plants lily kept insisting made the room "less clinically depressing."

you even caught yourself laughing comfortably now, without a second thought. real laughter, the kind that reached your stomach before your brain had time to overthink whether it sounded strange. you smiled to yourself when you thought about it while walking down the hallway. even if he was on your mind way more than you would ever want to admit, maybe you were healing. and maybe healing wasn't dramatic after all, maybe it just looked like forgetting to be miserable for a few hours.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

by the time december settled over the city completely, the hospital had transformed. paper snowflakes hung crookedly from the reception desk. someone had wrapped ridiculous gold tinsel around nurse may's computer monitor. a tiny artificial christmas tree appeared in the staff lounge, decorated almost exclusively with anatomy themed ornaments someone from surgery found hilarious.

"hospital dinner next friday." lily dropped the announcement onto your desk one morning.

"mandatory?" you looked up from your notes.

"strongly encouraged." 

"which means mandatory."

"exactly." she grinned. "you're coming."

you instinctively opened your mouth to decline. the old version of you would have invented an excuse before anyone could ask twice. but you were trying to prove that girl wasn't carrying your life anymore.

"...okay." the word surprised even you.

lily blinked. "that's it?"

you shrugged, smiling into your paperwork. "i guess i can survive one dinner."

"daniel!" lily shouted immediately into the hallway. "she said yes!"

somewhere outside your office you heard daniel cheer dramatically. you couldn't help laughing, completely unaware that, three floors above you, another department had received the exact same invitation.

and just like that, friday arrived much faster than you expected. by six thirty, the winter sky had already dissolved into complete darkness, the city streets shimmering under the glow of christmas lights and the reflections of the afternoon rain. you stood in front of your apartment mirror for far longer than was probably necessary, one hand smoothing invisible wrinkles from the dark green dress you had bought months ago and never found a reason to wear. it wasn't particularly fancy, just soft knit fabric that hugged your waist comfortably, long sleeves, a modest neckline. adult, you supposed.

you looked... older. not older in the exhausted way you used to after pulling consecutive all nighters in the library until your eyes burned from staring at statistical outputs. just older in the quiet sense. like someone who paid rent without completely losing her mind every time the letter came. someone who remembered to buy groceries before running out of milk. someone who had somehow survived long enough to become a woman instead of the anxious university girl who always felt like she was desperately trying to catch up with everyone else.

for a long moment, you simply stared at your own reflection, because it still surprised you sometimes how unfamiliar your own face had become. there were fewer dark circles beneath your eyes now and your shoulders no longer lived permanently curled toward your ears. you smiled more easily, more lived in.

your phone buzzed against the bathroom counter.

lily: if you bail i'm literally coming to your apartment

despite yourself, you laughed. "alright." you murmured to the empty apartment. "i'm coming."

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

the restaurant occupied the renovated top floor of an old brick warehouse overlooking the river, all warm amber lighting and exposed wooden beams that smelled faintly of cedar and wine. somewhere in the corner, someone had hired a jazz trio to play soft christmas standards that disappeared beneath dozens of overlapping conversations.

the outpatient team had already claimed two long tables near the windows as lily spotted you almost instantly.

"she actually came!" she gasped dramatically, standing up so quickly she nearly knocked over her wine glass.

"i said i would."

"i genuinely didn't believe you." 

"that's a little offensive." 

"i believe it's completely accurate."

daniel looked up from across the table. "look who's voluntarily socializing."

"just... both of you, calm down." you said with a big smile plastered on your face.

"too late." you rolled your eyes, sliding into the empty chair between nurse may and lily.

somehow, the evening unfolded with surprising ease. there was a lot of wine and far too much bread before dinner. someone from physiotherapy confessed to accidentally walking into the wrong patient's family meeting three months earlier and somehow staying through the entire conversation before realizing. even nurse may laughed hard enough that she had to remove her glasses to wipe her eyes. you found yourself laughing too, to the point it left your stomach sore.

at one point, daniel disappeared only to return balancing six tiny desserts because “the kitchen made extras”, as lily insisted everyone rank them. you looked around the table, watching everyone interrupt each other with easy familiarity, and something inside your chest settled.

this was yours. not borrowed, not temporary. for years, you had imagined adulthood as some distant destination where everyone magically stopped feeling afraid. instead, it turned out to look like shared desserts, inside jokes, coworkers arguing over cheesecake. people instinctively saving you the seat beside them because it had simply become your seat. you hadn't fully realized how lonely you had once been until loneliness quietly stopped being your default.

you reached for your wine glass, smiling to yourself, as you heard the restaurant door open again. a burst of freezing december air swept briefly across the room as another large group stepped inside, voices overlapping while they shrugged snow from their coats.

"the research team finally made it." someone near the front called out.

your smile didn't disappear immediately, simply stalling as the glass stopped halfway to your lips. before you even looked, something deep inside your body had already recognized the shift. the old instinct returned with terrifying speed, making your shoulders stiffen and your heartbeat stumble. it wasn't logic, it wasn't reason. it was the same invisible thread that had once taught your nervous system to locate him before your eyes ever did.

slowly, almost against your own will, you turned your head. the research department filtered inside in small clusters, shrugging wool coats off their shoulders and stamping the december cold from their shoes as laughter spilled ahead of them. someone was already apologizing for how late they were. another person was carrying three bottles of wine balanced awkwardly against their chest while everyone argued over where they were supposed to sit.

for a brief, irrational second, you almost convinced yourself he hadn't come. your eyes skimmed over unfamiliar faces. someone from neurology, anna from statistics, dr. cho, another resident you vaguely recognized from the briefing.

and then, there he was. he had stopped just inside the entrance, one hand still wrapped around the strap of his messenger bag, quietly waiting for everyone else to move before he stepped further into the restaurant. he never really had been much of a loud entrance, as he had never had to do that for people to look at him. even now, he instinctively lingered toward the back of the group, waiting for everyone else to find their seats before quietly slipping into one of the empty chairs near the opposite end of the restaurant. someone from cardiology immediately reached over to steal his coat, draping it over the back of another chair before he could protest. another coworker slid a glass of red wine into his hand with an exaggerated grin.

"about time you showed up, sim."

"traffic." he answered simply.

"you've been saying traffic for two years."

jake only gave the smallest shrug before taking a slow sip from his glass, his attention already drifting toward whatever conversation dr. cho had started beside him.

you looked away almost immediately. or at least, you tried to, because for some reason it was embarrassingly difficult. your eyes kept wandering back toward the other side of the room without your permission, catching tiny glimpses between shoulders and half empty wine bottles.

he looked tired, painfully so. even sitting down, his posture carried that same quiet collapse you had noticed since that day at the hospital, his broad shoulders rounded forward as if the weight of the last years had physically settled across his back.

for the first hour, the two of you became experts at pretending the other didn't exist. you laughed with lily, he spoke quietly with his team. you reached for another piece of bread, he accepted another glass of wine. the restaurant buzzed louder around you as more bottles appeared across the tables, conversations dissolving into overlapping stories that no one bothered to finish.

someone convinced the jazz trio to play something more upbeat. chairs scraped across the wooden floor, departments slowly blurring together. and somewhere between the third glass of wine and dessert, something shifted. it was so subtle you almost convinced yourself you had imagined it.

"...that's absolutely not what happened." jake suddenly laughed as you heard his voice. just a short, genuine laugh that escaped him before he seemed to remember himself, one hand instinctively coming up to rub at the bridge of his nose as if he was almost embarrassed by the sound.

your stomach tightened immediately. before you could stop yourself, your eyes wandered back across the room. he looked lighter, only slightly. the exhaustion hadn't disappeared. the dark circles were still there, his shoulders still carried that familiar collapse, and he still looked like someone who hadn't slept properly in months. but the tension around his face had loosened and his posture wasn't so rigid anymore. the wine glass sat forgotten in one hand while the other moved absentmindedly through his hair, and every now and then another small smile slipped past whatever wall he had been holding up all evening.

it was so fleeting, so painfully familiar. for a terrifying moment, you could almost see him again. not the hollow man from the seventh floor, but the boy from the library. the one who used to lean back in his chair after proving an entire lecture wrong. the one whose eyes quietly brightened whenever a discussion became interesting enough to make him forget everyone else was in the room.

your chest ached, because for the first time in months, he didn't just look tired. he looked like himself.

"okay, okay." anna was sitting beside him as she nudged his shoulder with hers. "tell them about the python incident."

jake immediately covered part of his face with one hand. "absolutely not."

"you literally crashed the whole server." 

"temporarily."

"for six hours." 

"still temporarily."

more laughter. she reached over and shoved his shoulder. he shoved hers back, gently. the kind of thoughtless physical familiarity that only existed between people who had spent enough time together. you stared for one second too long, something ugly twisting unexpectedly inside your chest. it wasn't anger, it wasn't even jealousy. not exactly.

in the blink of an eye, he smiled. really smiled. without thinking, your fingers tightened around the stem of your wine glass, the feeling arriving before you could name it. sharp, old, humiliatingly familiar.

it wasn't that anna was beautiful, it wasn't even that they seemed particularly close, you thought. it was something much quieter than that. watching him from across the room suddenly felt exactly like sitting several rows behind him during undergrad. there he was, surrounded by people, responding effortlessly. moving through conversations with that strange, quiet ease you had spent years trying to understand.

and there you were, watching again. your stomach twisted, and it was ridiculous. you weren't twenty anymore, you weren't measuring yourself against the people around him. you had your own table now, your own coworkers, your own life. lily was halfway through telling daniel an impossibly dramatic story beside you, nurse may was arguing with someone from emergency medicine over whether tiramisu counted as a proper dessert, and three people had already saved you a seat without even asking.

you belonged there, you knew you did. so why did your body suddenly forget? why did one glimpse of him smiling make every old insecurity crawl quietly back beneath your skin? it reminded you of every library walk where he somehow managed to make everyone else laugh before answering your questions with impossible seriousness. every hallway where he had effortlessly exchanged conversations with strangers before turning toward you with that unreadable expression that always made your heart start sprinting.

every moment you had wondered why is it always different with me?

the thought slipped into your mind so naturally it frightened you, although it wasn't a new one. it was actually an old thought you had spent years burying beneath degrees, rent payments, patient notes, and carefully constructed adulthood. but apparently, it had never really left.

you took a slow sip of your wine, letting the heavy liquid burn softly down your throat until the glass was nearly empty. you needed the alcohol to work a little faster. you needed it to dull the sharp edge that had taken over your body the second he walked through the door.

lily leaned into your space, completely oblivious to the quiet storm inside your head, her face flushed red from three generous glasses of cabernet. she clinked her glass against yours with enough drunken enthusiasm to spill a few dark droplets onto the wooden table.

"to surviving a full year of institutionalized chaos!" she announced, her speech slurring just enough to prove she was well past her limit.

"to survival." you echoed softly, forcing a small smile that felt a little too loose around the edges.

as the night stretched past eleven, the atmosphere in the restaurant shifted. the waiters cleared away the heavy ceramic dinner plates, replacing them with seemingly bottomless carafes of wine, amber glasses of bourbon, and small plates of shared desserts. the jazz trio packed up their instruments, leaving behind a warm hum of overlapping voices, clinking crystal, and unfiltered laughter.

the invisible walls between the departments finally began to dissolve. chairs scraped across the wooden floor as people stood up to stretch, drifting toward other conversations. dr. cho carried two open bottles of red over from the research table, pulling a chair right next to daniel, while a few junior analysts squeezed in near lily. before you fully understood how it had happened, the distinct tables had merged into one giant, chaotic circle.

jake was sitting four seats away from you. he had moved with dr. cho, carrying his glass of whiskey, his coat long forgotten over the back of a distant chair. his dark charcoal sweater was pulled up slightly at the forearms, revealing the sharp lines of his wrists. the alcohol had fully softened him, too. the rigid posture he usually wore like an armor had loosened into something fluid and relaxed. he was leaning back, one ankle resting over his opposite knee, his dark eyes glinting under the warm overhead lanterns as he listened to dr. cho speak.

he still wasn't looking at you directly, but he didn't have to. the air between you felt thick, charged with an invisible static that made your skin prickle every time he shifted in his chair.

"alright, listen up." dr. vance announced, standing up at the head of the merged table and tapping his fork against his water glass. his face was bright red, his tie loosened at the collar. "it is officially past midnight, which means the formal portion of this dinner is dead. before we all start ordering cabs, we're doing the annual game."

a collective groan rippled through the table, followed instantly by boisterous laughter.

"no, listen." dr. vance insisted, waving a hand. "two truths and a lie: clinical training edition. three statements about something embarrassing or unprofessional you did during undergrad or residency. the table votes on the lie."

"this is an hr trap." daniel called out, grinning into his beer. "i refuse to self-incriminate."

the game started off fast and messy, fueled by the sheer volume of alcohol everyone had consumed over the last four hours. daniel confessed to falling asleep inside a sterile supply closet for five hours during an overnight er shift. nurse may admitted she had once accidentally thrown away an entire box of research samples in her first week as a nurse and spent two hours digging through the hospital dumpster to retrieve them.

the room echoed with laughter, glasses sloshing, people shouting out guesses and arguing over who was the worst liar. you laughed along, feeling the heavy warmth of the wine creeping deeper into your veins, softening the sharp corners of your mind until your chest felt pleasantly numb.

and then the rotation reached the far side of the circle.

"sim." dr. vance pointed a finger down the table. "you're up. give us something good. the analytics prodigy must have screwed up at least once in his life."

jake let out a low chuckle, a sound so smooth and gravelly it sent a traitorous wave of heat straight down your spine. he swirled the amber liquid in his glass, looking down for a long moment before tilting his head up. he looked loose, effortless, and entirely too handsome, the dark fringe of his hair falling slightly over his forehead. you hated it so much.

"fine." jake said, his voice carrying easily over the quieted table. "one: i once completely slept through a third year observational trial and woke up with my forehead stuck to my own diagnostic notes." a few people tutted in disbelief. "two." he continued, a faint smirk touching the corner of his lips as he glanced casually toward dr. cho. "i accidentally corrupted a full semester's worth of conditioning data because i let an uncontrolled variable slip into the trial."

"oof, painful." daniel muttered, taking a drink.

"three." jake said softly, swirling his glass, his voice dropping into that magnetic register that used to hold whole lecture halls captive. "i spent an entire night locked inside the third floor library stacks because i refused to leave until i solved a statistical anomaly."

the table immediately erupted into loud debate.

"one!" lily called out instantly. "you would never sleep through a trial, jake."

"no, the library." anna chimed in from beside him, leaning in close enough that her shoulder brushed his sweater, smiling up at him with drunken fondness. "jake wouldn't need to stay a whole night there just to solve that."

jake didn't answer right away. he just sat there, holding his whiskey, letting the smirk linger on his face as he let everyone throw out their guesses. he was clearly enjoying the easy attention, looking every bit like the charming boy from undergrad who always held all the answers.

you sat quietly, your fingers coiled loosely around your glass. the alcohol in your blood was humming softly, stripping away the careful adult mask you had worn all evening. you knew the answer, and you knew it with a devastating certainty. you remembered those third floor library stacks. you remembered the rain against the tall windows, the stacked manuals, and the way he had sat across from you, staring at a set of results that refused to neatly align with his theories. but it hadn't only been a statistical anomaly he was trying to solve. it had been an argument with you. a night where his logic had completely failed him, where his careful control had cracked under the weight of something he couldn't measure or code.

and you remembered the conditioning trial, too. there hadn't been an uncontrolled variable.

you didn't shout. you just leaned back slightly in your chair, your voice soft, almost offhand, as if you were merely offering a passing observation about lab methodology.

"it's two." you murmured into the lull of the conversation. you were clearly drunker than you thought, because sober, you would have bitten your tongue raw before saying anything that publicly linked your name to jake's. you were the one who had built the wall between you in the first place, forcing the silence on the distance. but watching him sit there — so relaxed, giving away his quiet charm to everyone else after all this time — a petty needle twisted under your skin. you needed to prove, if only to him, that despite the cold front, you still held the blueprint to who he actually was. that no one else at this table knew him deeper than you did.

jake’s head snapped toward you. the lazy smirk on his face vanished in a single second. the relaxed posture melted away, his broad frame going rigidly still as his dark eyes locked onto yours across the small gap separating your chairs.

"what makes you say that, y/n?" dr. vance asked, looking amused, taking a slow sip of his drink.

you didn't break jake's gaze. you offered an indifferent shrug, your face remarkably calm, light, and perfectly unbothered, though your pulse was thumping a rapid beat in your throat. you let him see the quiet weight in your eyes — a message meant exclusively for him, completely invisible to everyone else at the table.

"because his data is always clean." you said softly, your tone smooth and conversational. "he doesn't let variables slip in by accident. he only abandons a trial when he realizes he can't control the outcome."

a light chuckle went around your side of the table. "damn, spoken like a true former lab mate." daniel joked, taking another sip of his beer, completely missing the radioactive underlying current. "she's got your number, sim."

dr. cho laughed softly, clapping jake on the shoulder. "she's right, jake! you never make reckless mistakes in methodology. you just scrap the whole project when it gets complicated!"

the rest of the table laughed along, accepting the comment as nothing more than a witty jab at his well known academic perfectionism.

but jake didn't laugh. he sat completely frozen, his fingers tightening around his whiskey glass until his knuckles turned a sharp white. the effortless charm he had been displaying all evening was completely gone, stripped away by two quiet sentences that no one else in the room understood.

he stared at you across the dark wood, his dark eyes wide and burning with an intensity that made the rest of the noisy restaurant fade into complete background noise. to the rest of the hospital staff, you had just made a clever joke about his undergrad work ethic. but to jake, you had just looked him dead in the eye and told him that you knew exactly who he was.

the game dragged to a messy, awkward close. jake eventually confirmed the lie with a quiet nod, forcing a faint smile that vanished the second people stopped looking at him. after that, he completely checked out. he just sat back in his chair, staring into the ice melting in his glass, letting the drunken chatter flow right over him.

you noticed every single second of it, of course you did. and you hated yourself for it. you hated that even after four glasses of wine, your brain was still wired to track every micro-shift in his posture.

by one in the morning, the restaurant was finally emptying out. people were slurring affectionate goodbyes by the coat rack, making ridiculous promises for weekend plans no one would keep. lily had disappeared to the bathroom with two pediatric nurses twenty minutes ago.

your head was swimming, your chest tight and claustrophobic from the heat of the room and the great amount of alcohol in your body, so you pushed open the side door and walked outside. the december air hit you like a physical punch. it ripped the warmth straight from your skin, replacing it with a freezing draft that burned your throat and made your eyes water. you leaned your forearms against the cold iron railing, staring down at the churning water from the river below, letting the cold air try to sober you up.

the heavy metal door behind you creaked open, then slammed shut against the frame.

you didn't even have to turn around. the smell of cold wool, dark rain, and bitter whiskey reached you before he even took a step.

"you just had to do that, didn't you?" jake said. his voice wasn't gentle. it wasn't quiet or tragically polite. it was rough, raspy, and thick with alcohol, carrying a defensive bite that cut straight through the freezing wind.

you slowly turned around, resting your back against the iron railing. he was standing four feet away under the dull yellow bulb of the emergency light. his coat was unbuttoned, his dark hair messy and blowing in the wind, his hands jammed aggressively into his pockets. his face was flushed from the cold and the whiskey, his dark eyes wide, bloodshot, and completely stripped of that calm composure he had spent all evening hiding behind.

"do what, jake?" you asked, your voice trembling from the cold, the wine and the anxiety, but your chin tilted up, refusing to back down.

"back there." he snapped, taking an erratic step toward you. "the little commentary on my data. you just couldn't help yourself, could you? you had to sit there in front of the whole department and make sure everyone knew you had some secret, superior insight into how my brain works."

a sharp laugh escaped your throat, turning to mist in the freezing night. "are you serious?" you hissed, stepping out of the shadow of the railing, right into his space. "you sat at that table for two hours giving everyone else your charming little routine, telling a cute little story about undergrad like it was some funny glitch in your pristine record. you were rewriting it, jake. you sat there acting like it was all just lab work, like it was nothing!"

"because it has to be!" he shouted, his voice cracking violently, the loud sound echoing off the wet brick walls of the alley. he looked completely unraveled, his jaw clenching so hard you could hear his teeth grind together, the sheer chaos of his state finally spilling over. "you think i want to stand in front of twenty people and talk about how it actually was?" he rasped, his eyes burning into yours with a terrifying intensity. "you think i want dr. vance or anna or daniel looking at me and knowing that i spent years obsessed with you? you think i want a room full of coworkers knowing that you're the reason i haven't slept a full night in-?"

the admission hit the cold air like a physical blow. the breath vanished from your lungs, your heart hammering a wild beat against your ribs. "what the fuck are you saying, jake-"

"no, y/n, listen to me." he choked out, quieter now. "you act like you're the only one who got wrecked. you stand here looking at me like i'm some cold, unfeeling bastard who walked away without a second thought. but you're the one who ran! you packed your bags, you left the town, you deleted your number, and you built this whole neat new life where you get to pretend i was just a bad habit you outgrew!"

"i ran because i had no choice!" you screamed back, tears finally spilling over your lashes, scalding hot against your frozen cheeks as you forced yourself not to punch his chest. the alcohol was making your entire body shake, dissolving whatever polite restraint you had left. "i also ran because staying near you was making me lose my fucking mind. and i genuinely do not understand why you would even look at me like... like i broke your heart!"

"because you did!" jake roared as he surged forward, his hands flying out to grip the freezing iron railing on either side of your head. he caged you in completely, his tall frame blocking out the streetlights, his chest heaving erratically just inches from yours. "you were breaking it every single day! and you're still doing it, y/n."

he stopped, his breathing coming in ragged hitches that tore through the quiet night air. the sudden, explosive burst of anger seemed to completely drain him, leaving nothing behind but a hollow exhaustion. his broad shoulders slumped forward and he dropped his head, staring blankly at the metal grate beneath your boots as if he couldn't bear to look at your face anymore.

"i can't do this." he whispered, his voice dropping into a ruined scrape that almost sounded like a plea. he squeezed his eyes shut, his knuckles turning an intense white against the black iron. "i can't sit at a dinner table and watch you laugh with everybody else. i can't watch you build a life that i'm not allowed to touch. and i definitely can't sit there while you drop little pieces of our past into the conversation like it's just some lighthearted trivia."

"why?" you choked out. your hands moved entirely on their own, pulling out of your warm pockets to grab the heavy wool lapels of his open coat. you twisted the fabric into your fists, holding onto him because the ground beneath you suddenly felt like it was violently tilting. "why does it hurt you so much?" you begged, your voice shattering on the last word, the sharp december wind stinging the tear tracks on your face as you forced him to finally look at you.

jake pulled his head back just an inch, his hand sliding down to wrap his cold fingers tightly around your wrist, squeezing until the pulse thumping against his palm was impossible to ignore. he stared down into your eyes with an expression of unadulterated ruin — his dark irises wide, bloodshot, and completely devoid of any remaining pride.

"because every time you open your mouth and mention back then..." he whispered, his voice cracking on a painful exhale. "it proves you remember everything. it proves it wasn't a bad dream i made up in my head to keep myself awake at night. you were real. we were real."

he swallowed hard, the sharp line of his throat bobbing as a furious tear finally escaped his lashes, tracking down the high curve of his pale cheek. he didn't wipe it away. he didn't care that he was completely unraveling under that dull yellow light, bleeding out in front of the only person who had ever known how to dismantle him.

"and knowing that you remember it..." he choked out, his chest heaving as he pulled your trapped hand up, pressing your palm flat against the erratic pounding over his own heart. "and knowing you still walked away... knowing you're standing here right now, alive and whole and surviving just fine without me, tells me that i'm the only one who didn't make it out of that library alive."

the frantic rhythm of his heart beating against your palm felt like a live wire. it burned through the freezing cold, through the thick haze of the wine, straight into your bones. you stared at him, at the single tear tracking down his cheek, and the sheer gravity of what he had just confessed threatened to crush you completely.

you couldn't breathe. the alleyway spun around you, the ground tipping dangerously beneath your boots. if you had been sober, you might have folded into him. you might have let the grief swallow you both whole. but the alcohol in your bloodstream was a vicious thing, magnifying your terror as much as your longing. if you believed him now — if you let yourself lean into this unguarded version of him — you would be gambling everything. because tomorrow, when he was sober, he could take it all back. and that would kill you. you wouldn't survive a second heartbreak.

"no." you breathed out, your voice trembling so violently you could barely form the word. you tried to pull your hand away, but his grip was iron tight, his fingers digging into your wrist like he was drowning.

"jake, stop." you pleaded, shaking your head frantically. "stop talking. you're drunk."

"so are you." he rasped, refusing to let go, his dark eyes searching your face with a desperate starvation.

"which is exactly why we can't do this!" you cried, finally wrenching your hand out of his grasp with enough force that you stumbled a half step backward, your shoes slipping slightly on the icy grate.

the sudden loss of contact made the freezing december air rush back in, biting viciously at your skin. you wrapped your arms tightly around your own waist, shivering violently, trying to hold your own ribcage together.

"we're drunk, jake." you choked out, the tears freezing as they fell down your cheeks. "you've had god knows how much whiskey, my head is completely spinning, and you're standing out here in the freezing cold telling me that i destroyed you. what am i supposed to do with that? what do you want me to say?"

"i want you to believe me!" he shouted, throwing his hands up in a sudden burst of frustration, his balance wavering just a fraction. he ran a shaking hand fiercely through his windblown hair, looking entirely lost. "i want you to stop acting like i'm making this up! y-you always fucking do this, y/n."

"but how can i believe you?!" you yelled back, your chest heaving, the raw truth finally ripping its way out of your throat. "you want me to believe this? now? after years of complete silence? you want me to accept this just because we had a few drinks and your perfect pride finally slipped?"

jake flinched. the accusation hit him squarely, stripping away the frantic energy and leaving him looking incredibly hollow. "you think this is just the alcohol?" he asked, his voice dropping into a dangerous, quiet rasp.

"i think the alcohol is the only reason you're talking at all." you shot back, your voice breaking on a sob you couldn't swallow down. "tomorrow morning, the whiskey is going to wear off. and you're going to go right back to being the untouchable sim jake. you're going to walk past me in that damn hallway and you are going to regret every single word you just said."

"that's bullshit, y/n, and you know it." he snapped, taking another unsteady step toward you, the anger flaring back up in his dark eyes.

"is it?" you challenged, stepping back until your spine hit the brick wall of the alley, leaving nowhere else to run. "we've spent months treating each other like strangers. you flagged my files, i ignored you in meetings, you looked right through me. and now you expect me to just... what? forget everything because you had too much bourbon and decided to feel sorry for yourself?"

jake stopped dead in his tracks. he looked at you for an agonizing moment, the mist curling between your bodies in the freezing dark. the anger in his face slowly died, replaced by a devastating defeat. he looked like a man who had just played his very last card, only to realize the game had been over for years.

"you really think that little of me." he whispered. it wasn't a question. it was a surrender.

"i think we're both a mess." you cried softly, swiping angrily at your wet cheeks, though the tears just kept coming. "i think we're completely wrecked. and i think if we keep doing this tonight, if we keep standing out here tearing each other apart while we can barely stand straight, we're going to permanently destroy whatever functional pieces we have left."

jake didn't argue. he didn't surge forward again, and he didn't try to touch you. he just stood there in the cold, his coat blowing in the wind, staring at you with an expression so hopelessly sad it made your stomach physically hurt. the alcohol was still humming loudly in your veins, making the silence between you feel dizzying and thick. there was no resolution, there was no comfort. there was just the bitter cold, the heavy smell of whiskey, and the terrifying realization that you were both bleeding out, and neither of you had any idea how to stop it.

the heavy metal door behind jake suddenly flew open with a loud clang, the sharp sound slicing through the suffocating silence like a knife.

"hey! there you guys- whoa." daniel staggered out onto the small space, his tie completely undone and hanging loosely around his neck, a lopsided drunken grin plastered across his flushed face. he was holding a half empty bottle of cheap champagne by the neck, his balance wavering just enough that he had to grab the doorframe to steady himself. he was completely oblivious to the wreckage he had just walked into.

"man, it is like... polar vortex out here." daniel slurred, shivering dramatically as he looked between the two of you. his eyes were unfocused, blinking slowly in the dim yellow glow of the emergency light. "what are you guys doing? having a secret research meeting without me? that's... that's academic betrayal, sim."

the snap of the reality shift was instantaneous, violent, and physically sickening. the exact second daniel’s boots hit the metal grating, the raw version of jake vanished. it was like watching a shutter slam down over a window. his broad shoulders instantly went rigid, his jaw locking into a tight line as he took a deliberate step back from you, pulling himself out of your space entirely.

he turned his head away, his long fingers flying up to aggressively rub at his eyes, wiping away the trace of that furious tear before daniel could track it. when he dropped his hand, his face was a mask of unreadable exhaustion. but it was clumsy, frayed around the edges by the sheer volume of whiskey in his system.

you froze against the brick wall, your heart slamming frantically against your ribs. your hands were still shaking so violently you had to shove them deep into your coat pockets just to hide the tremors. you choked down a ragged sob, the taste of wine and bile burning the back of your throat as you forced your face into something that hopefully resembled sobriety.

"we were just getting some air, daniel." you said, your voice coming out thin.

"air? you're gonna freeze your liquid assets off." daniel chuckled, entirely amused by his own terrible joke. he staggered a step closer, swinging the champagne bottle loosely. "everyone's bailing. you guys want to split an uber to the north side?"

"i'm fine." jake cut in. his voice was a low rasp, entirely stripped of the roaring anger from moments ago, but carrying a vibrating tension that made your chest ache. he wouldn't look at you. he kept his dark eyes fixed firmly on the collar of daniel's shirt, his hands jammed back into his unbuttoned coat. "i'm walking." jake muttered, his speech just slightly thicker than usual, betraying how drunk he actually was.

"walking? sim, it's literally freezing rain." daniel laughed, reaching out to cloddishly pat jake's shoulder. "don't be a hero. come on."

"i said i'm walking, daniel." jake snapped. the sudden edge in his tone made daniel blink, his drunken grin faltering for a fraction of a second as he sensed the radioactive field of tension vibrating between the two of you.

jake didn't wait for a response. he finally turned his head, his dark eyes locking onto your face for one final second. there was no anger left in his gaze. there was only that same hopeless ruin. a quiet warning that everything you had just done out here was going to follow you both into the morning.

he blew past daniel, his heavy shoulder brushing yours as he pushed open the metal door and vanished back into the warmth of the restaurant, leaving nothing behind but the fading scent of cold wool and bitter bourbon. the door clicked shut.

"man…" daniel muttered, shaking his head slowly as he took a swing from the champagne bottle. "he is always so... intense. i don't know how you survived being his research partner, y/n. guy needs to learn how to relax."

you didn't answer. you couldn't. you just turned back to the iron railing, gripping the freezing metal until your knuckles ached, staring blindly out at the river below. the hot tears were finally flowing freely now, spilling over your lashes and biting into your cold skin, but daniel just thought you were shivering from the wind.

you were entirely unraveled, the heavy haze of the wine making the ache in your chest feel double its size. you knew you were right. tomorrow the sun would come up and the hospital walls would turn that sterile, sage green again. and neither of you had any idea how to survive the wreckage of tonight.

the ride home in the back of daniel’s uber was a sickening blur. daniel wouldn't stop talking about the department's upcoming budget review, his voice a slurred drone that did nothing to drown out the looping thoughts in your own head. you pressed your cheek against the freezing glass of the window, staring at the blurred streetlights, your hand shoved deep into your coat pocket. your wrist still ached where jake’s fingers had clamped down, and your palm felt hot, branded by the frantic rhythm of his heartbeat.

i’m the only one who didn't make it out of that library alive.

the words felt like a physical weight on your chest, keeping you awake until the sky turned a bruised gray.

⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

when you went into the hospital the next day, the walls you had spent years building felt incredibly thin. you spent your morning sessions sitting across from people, trying to help them untangle their lives while your own mind kept drifting to the floors above you. jake was up there, tucked away in the data lab, probably staring at spreadsheets and mapping out human choices into predictable numbers. you knew how his mind worked — he used logic to control everything, hiding behind data until his emotions were buried too deep to find.

you ran into him on monday by the elevators. he was carrying a stack of reports, his lab coat buttoned all the way up, looking every bit like the detached, analytical researcher everyone expected him to be. when he saw you, his posture went completely rigid. you watched his eyes drop to your hands, then snap back up to your face, his jaw tight.

"morning." he said. his voice was clipped, perfectly formal. he gave you a professional nod as the elevator doors opened, stepping inside without waiting to see if you were getting on too.

he was overcompensating. you knew it, and he knew you knew it. it was a textbook display of emotional avoidance, and the deliberate distance made your blood boil. for the next three days, you both played the game perfectly. you over-corrected your posture when you passed his lab, and he looked straight through you when he came down to the clinical floor to drop off files. you were both weaponizing your training, pulling away with a fierce intentionality because admitting that that that night had happened meant admitting how completely unsafe you were around each other.

by thursday night, the hospital felt entirely claustrophobic.

a massive winter storm had hit the city, coating the streets in black ice and causing a power surge that knocked out the central servers. because the digital network was down, the department was forced to rely on physical records for the emergency cases coming in from the icy roads.

at eleven o'clock, you were down in the basement archives — a narrow, windowless vault filled with rows of heavy steel shelves containing years of old patient files and intake sheets. the air down there was freezing, smelling heavily of old paper, dust, and ozone from the backup generators humming faintly through the vents.

you were standing near the back of the longest aisle, your fingers stiff as you flicked through a drawer, trying to find a specific baseline evaluation.

the heavy electronic lock on the vault door suddenly clicked, the sound echoing loudly in the silence. you didn't turn around. you forced yourself to keep looking at the files, even as the slow thud of boots grew closer, accompanied by the distinct scent of cedar and the bitter edge of the black coffee he always drank when he was working late.

jake stopped at the entrance of your aisle. he had taken off his lab coat, wearing just a dark sweater with the sleeves pushed up his forearms. he looked exhausted, his hair messy from where he had clearly been running his fingers through it, and his dark eyes were shadowed with fatigue.

"vance sent me down." jake said, his voice a rough baritone that felt entirely too loud in the cramped space. "the emergency intake needs the comparative data for the patient in bed four. i told him i'd find the physical chart."

"it's in row c." you said, your voice tight, keeping your back to him as you shoved a file back into the drawer. "this is row e. you're in the wrong section, jake."

he didn't move. you could hear his steady breathing, a heavy contrast to the frantic skipping of your own pulse. "i know what row i'm in, y/n." he murmured.

the sheer stubbornness in his tone made you snap. you dropped your hands from the cabinet and turned around, your spine hitting the cold metal structure behind you. "then why are you standing here?" you asked, your voice trembling despite your best efforts to sound detached. "we established a pattern this week, jake. we do the professional nods. we don't look at each other. it was working fine."

"it wasn't working fine." he rasped, taking a slow, deliberate step into the aisle. the space was so narrow that his broad shoulders nearly brushed the shelves on either side. "you've been watching me every time i walk into a room. i can feel you calculating the distance from across the hallway, y/n. you're looking at me like i'm a clinical problem you need to solve."

"and what are you doing?" you challenged, crossing your arms tightly over your chest, trying to ignore how his physical proximity was suddenly making the air feel thick and warm. "you're pretending that if you just keep your lab coat buttoned up and stare at your data sheets long enough, you can erase what you said to me the other night.”

jake stopped just two feet away from you. his height completely blocked out the low light from the main vault corridor, casting a long shadow over your body. he looked down at you, his jaw clenching so hard a small muscle twitched in his cheek.

"i can't erase it." he whispered, his speech just a fraction slower than usual, thick with the weight of a week's worth of insomnia. "that's the whole damn problem. i've spent five days trying to look at my work, and all i see is how much i want to touch you."

"don't… don’t fucking say that." you breathed, a sudden wave of panic hitting your chest. you tried to push past him, your shoulder catching his chest as you attempted to navigate the narrow space, but he didn't move an inch. he was a wall of solid heat. "jake, let me out. it's just the stress from the storm, we're both tired and-"

"stop making excuses." he growled, his hand snapping out to grip the edge of the shelf right beside your neck. his fingers flexed against the cold steel, his knuckles turning white. he leaned in closer, his face just inches from yours, his dark eyes wide and dangerous. "and stop running from me. you're doing the exact same thing you always do. the second things get real, you pull back and look for an exit."

"because staying here ruins me!" you hissed back, your hands coming up to press against his shoulders, not to pull him closer, but to frantically hold him at bay. you could feel the hard line of his collarbone beneath the wool of his sweater, the heat of his skin burning through the fabric into your palms. "you think you're the only one who's terrified? i spend all day trying to keep myself together, and the minute i look at you, i completely lose my mind. we are a bad idea, jake."

"i don't care." he choked out, his voice cracking violently on the words. he took that final half step, completely eliminating the remaining distance between you. his chest pressed flush against your hands, pushing against your resistance until your back was pinned flat against the metal cabinet. he didn't touch you with his hands yet, as they were still gripping the shelves on either side of your head, caging you in completely. but his entire body was a suffocating pressure against yours.

you let out a broken gasp, your chin tilting up involuntarily as his face dropped into the hollow of your neck. his breath was hot, fast, and smelling of coffee, fanning across your sensitive skin and making a violent shiver tear through your entire frame.

"tell me to go to row c." he whispered fiercely against your skin, his lips brushing the column of your throat as he spoke, his teeth grazing your pulse point just enough to make your knees go weak. "say you don't want this, and i'll walk away. i'm giving you the choice."

your fingers twitched against his shoulders, your nails digging deep into the thick fabric of his sweater. you wanted to push him away. you wanted to save yourself from the inevitable wreckage that was coming. but the physical reality of him — the weight of his body, the desperate sound of his breathing — was a hunger you had been suppressing for so much time.

"i hate you." you whispered, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt his forehead lean heavily against yours, his dark hair brushing your brow.

"i know." jake rasped, his hand finally leaving the metal shelf to wrap his cold fingers tightly around the back of your neck, tilting your face up to his. "i know."

for a fraction of a second, nobody moved. the space between your lips was a vacuum, thick with the smell of damp wool and the metallic hum of the archive basement. his dark eyes searched yours, wide and bloodshot, looking for a single reason to stop — a slight pull of your chin, a tensing of your spine, anything. but you didn't move, you couldn't. the lie had run its course, and the devastating weight of it seemed to leave both of you suspended in mid air. your thumb twitched against the knit of his sweater, a subconscious permission that he caught instantly.

the shift was sudden and terrifying. the fragile safety of the quiet room fractured down the middle as jake’s grip on your neck tightened, his control completely evaporating into the cold air.

the kiss was violent. it wasn't gentle, it wasn't a soft reconciliation. instead, it was an angry collision of two people who had been starving in the dark for years.

he shoved you backward, your hips hitting the edge of the cabinet hard as he crowded his entire weight into you, caging you between his body and the metal. his hands ripped themselves from yours, one flying to the back of your neck, his long fingers tangling fiercely into your hair to tilt your head back, while his other hand gripped your waist so tightly it would leave bruises by morning.

you moaned into his mouth, a desperate sound, your hands flying up to tear at the front of his sweater. you needed the barrier gone. you needed to feel the heat of his skin against yours to prove he was real, that this wasn't another cruel dream your brain had manufactured in the quiet hours of the night.

"y/n." he groaned against your lips, his tongue forcing its way into your mouth, tasting of bitter coffee and pure desperation. he kissed you harder, deeper, devouring you until your knees buckled beneath you, his heavy thigh instantly slotting between yours to hold you up against the shelves.

the friction was agonizingly perfect. you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down, arching your back into his heavy frame as his mouth left yours, tearing down the column of your throat. he bit sharply at the junction of your neck and shoulder, making you gasp, your fingers digging deep into the muscles of his back.

"i hate you so much, jake." you cried out, your head tossing back against the metal shelves as his hands moved down, aggressively bunching up the fabric of your skirt.

"hate me all you want, please.” he rasped, his breath burning against your collarbone as he ripped open the first three buttons of your shirt, his chest heaving. he looked up at you, his dark eyes entirely unhinged, wild with a desperate hunger that made your stomach clench pleasantly.

he didn't give you a single second to catch your breath. his mouth crashed back onto yours again, messier this time, open and wet and completely frantic. his large hand slid higher up your thigh, his rough fingers finally slipping past the hem of your skirt and finding bare skin. the sudden contrast of his burning touch against the freezing basement air made a high noise tear out of your throat, a sound he swallowed instantly with his mouth.

you finally got your hands under his sweater, your palms flattening against the rapid rise and fall of his bare chest. his skin was scorching hot, his heart hammering a violent rhythm against your fingertips. he wasn't calm. the meticulous, controlled data analyst was completely gone, completely destroyed, replaced by a man who was shaking just as badly as you were.

"jake." you whimpered, your nails lightly dragging down the center of his chest, exploring the heavy muscle there.

he shuddered violently at the contact, a guttural groan vibrating deep in his throat. his heavy thigh pressed harder between yours, applying a blunt pressure right where you were aching the most, forcing your hips to completely tilt up into his. you dug your heels into the dusty floor to keep from sliding down the cabinet, entirely at his mercy.

"four years." he breathed heavily against your lips, his voice a ruined scrape as his thumb traced the edge of your underwear, dragging slowly over the fabric to feel the damp heat of you beneath it. "four fucking years of pretending i didn't know exactly what this felt like. have you thought about it, huh? about how well you took me in your mouth in that classroom? mmh?"

you gasped, arching off the cold metal so forcefully your spine bowed. his fingers were slightly clumsy with sheer desperation, completely wrecking whatever fragile composure you had left. you tangled your fingers into his messy hair, pulling him closer, holding his mouth to yours like it was the only oxygen left in the room.

"don't think." you begged, tears of overwhelming relief and frustration suddenly stinging the corners of your eyes, blurring the harsh fluorescent light above. "just don't think about it, jake. please don't stop."

"i couldn't stop if i tried, y/n. i’m completely sick with you." he confessed, kissing the salt of a tear off your cheek before trailing bruising kisses down your jawline.

he shifted his grip suddenly, his strong hands grabbing your hips to hike you up effortlessly onto the waist high metal filing cabinet. the cold steel bit into the back of your bare thighs, a shocking contrast to the suffocating heat of his body as he stepped directly between your parted knees.

he caged you in perfectly, his broad chest pressing flush against yours, his hands moving frantically over your body like he was trying to memorize you all over again. he pushed your shirt off your shoulders, letting it pool uselessly around your elbows, his lips finding the exposed skin of your collarbone. he sucked hard, his teeth scraping against the sensitive column of your throat, deliberately leaving a dark mark that he knew you would have to hide under high necked sweaters for a week.

it was territorial, it was entirely unprofessional, and it made you completely lose your mind. you wrapped your legs tightly around his waist, crossing your ankles behind his back to anchor him to you, pulling his hips flush against yours. you ground down against the thick denim of his jeans, chasing the friction, chasing the physical weight of him until you were both just shaking, breathing the same dusty air, actively choosing to ruin each other all over again in the dark.

his hand didn’t stay on the outside of the lace for long. the frantic friction of your hips against his was driving you both to the edge of sanity, but it wasn't enough. it was nowhere near enough. jake let out a harsh curse, pulling his mouth away from yours just far enough to look at you. his chest heaved, his dark hair falling into his eyes, entirely disheveled and completely ruined.

"i need to touch you." he rasped, his voice dropping to a terrifyingly low register. "i need to see if you feel the same way you did back then."

you didn't even get a chance to gasp before his rough fingers hooked under the damp edge of your underwear, pulling the thin fabric aside and sliding directly into you. you shattered immediately. a loud cry tore from your lungs, bouncing off the heavy steel walls of the archive as your head threw back against the shelves. he was completely relentless. his long fingers pushed deep, almost too familiar with how your body worked, moving with a precise rhythm that completely short-circuited your brain.

every single coping mechanism, every boundary, every professional defence you had built over the last four years dissolved instantly under the slide of his hand.

"jake, fuck-" you sobbed, your nails biting into his broad shoulders, your legs trembling violently where they were still locked behind his back.

"shhh." he breathed, though his own voice was shaking just as badly. he leaned in, his lips pressing hot kisses to the side of your neck, his tongue tracing the frantic pulse there as his fingers stroked you faster, deeper. "i've got you. i've got you. you're so fucking wet for me, doc. you missed me this much?"

the clinical nickname was a hot twist of the knife. he was doing it on purpose, weaponizing your shared profession, deliberately blurring the lines between the sterile hospital above and the dirty reality of the basement.

"yes." you admitted, the word an unraveled plea, your hips involuntarily chasing the movement of his hand. "yes, god, i missed you. i missed you so much."

that admission snapped the very last thread holding him together as he withdrew his hand completely. the sudden loss of friction was so jarring you let out an embarrassing whine, your hips instinctively tipping forward to chase his empty hand.

"shhh, don't cry." he murmured, though his chest was heaving, his voice thick with a dark satisfaction. "what happened to my clever little psychologist?"

the sharp metallic clink of his belt buckle echoed loudly in the tight space, followed by the heavy hiss of his zipper. you reached down, desperate to help him, desperate to speed up the agonizing process, but he caught both of your wrists in one large hand, pinning them firmly against the cold metal cabinet above your head.

"y/n." he breathed, stepping into the space you had just created, pressing the blunt heat of him directly against your entrance. "you've been running the show all week. you wouldn't even look at me in the elevator on monday."

he rolled his hips forward just a fraction — not enough to go inside, just enough to drag right over your most sensitive spot. you choked on a gasp, your spine bowing entirely off the metal.

"is this what you were thinking about when you were giving me those polite little nods, doc?" he whispered, his lips grazing your ear, his breath hot and completely ragged. "while you were sitting in your office, playing the perfect professional... were you thinking about how easily i can tear you apart?"

"jake, please-" you begged, the words tumbling out of your mouth without a single thought for pride or preservation. you tried to pull your wrists free, your legs tightening around his narrow waist as you tried to force him deep inside you, but his grip was iron clad. he wasn't going to make this easy. he was going to make you pay for every single day of silence.

"please what?" he taunted, though his own restraint was clearly killing him, a heavy muscle jumping frantically in his sharp jaw. he dragged against you again, a slow friction that made black spots dance in your vision. you let out a broken sob, your nails digging into your own palms where he held them pinned. "use your clinical vocabulary, y/n. tell me exactly what you want me to do to you."

"fuck you." you cried out, tears of sheer frustration spilling over your lashes, mixing with the sweat on your skin.

"i'm about to." he promised, his voice dropping into a low growl that vibrated straight through your chest. "but you're going to ask for it first. you're going to admit that you're just as obsessed with me as i am with you."

he released your wrists, but only so his hands could drop to your waist, his long fingers digging into your hips to hold you completely still. he rocked against you once more, entirely deliberately, making sure you felt exactly how thick and ready his cock was, how close you were to having what you had been starving for.

"say it." he demanded, his dark eyes burning into yours, completely unhinged in the dim basement light. "you owe me this. say it."

"i'm obsessed with you." you sobbed, your hands flying down to grip his shoulders, your fingernails biting into the thick wool of his sweater. "i want you, jake. i want you so fucking much, please, just put it in. please."

he let out a ragged, tearing sound from the very bottom of his chest, completely undone by the sound of you begging.

"that’s it, my love.” he rasped, and drove his hips forward, sinking completely and devastatingly deep inside of you in one long thrust. the unexpected nickname made your cheeks flush even harder, making your face feel so hot it scared you.

the sheer fullness of his cock stretching you open was a violent shock to your system, stealing the remaining oxygen straight out of your lungs. you buried your face in the crook of his neck, your teeth his skin just to muffle the breathless sob that escaped you. jake went entirely still, his forehead dropping against yours, his upper body trembling with the sheer effort it took not to lose his mind completely. he was buried so deep it felt devastating, his heartbeat a chaotic thudding against your chest.

for a long moment, he didn't move. he just stayed deep inside you, letting your body adapt to his weight, his eyes tightly shut as he swallowed hard, trying to claw back some semblance of his usual restraint.

but you could feel the truth of him. you could feel the ragged vibration of his pulse, the way his fingers were dug so fiercely into your waist that his knuckles were white. the cool, analytical researcher was drowning, and the realization gave you an intoxicating surge of confidence through the haze of your own pleasure.

you slowly shifted your hips on the edge of the cabinet, a deliberate tight squeeze around him.

jake flinched, his entire body jerking as a strangled sound tore from his throat. his eyes snapped open, dark and completely wild, warning you to stop.

"what's the matter, jake?" you whispered, your voice a shaky tease as you leaned back just enough to look at him. your fingers trailed up his chest, your nails lightly catching on the skin of his neck, tracing the line of his collarbone. "a-are you going to cum just like this or what?”

"y/n." he warned, his voice a dangerous vibration, his hips twitching involuntarily against yours.

"y-you spent all week hiding up in your lab, pretending i didn't exist... and now you can barely even breathe just from standing inside me?” you murmured, tilting your chin up, your eyes dropping to his mouth before locking back onto his blown pupils.

an unhinged smile flickered across his lips, though his jaw remained rigid. he leaned down, his mouth brushing against yours, tasting of salt and heat. "you think you're so clever, don't you? you always have." he rasped, his hands tightening on your waist with a bruising pressure that made you gasp. "you want to test my limits? let's see how well you can keep that smart mouth running when you can't even think straight."

before you could reply, he pulled back and drove into you again, his pace suddenly turning brutal and completely unyielding. the first hard thrust knocked the wind clean out of you. the heavy metal filing cabinet groaned violently under your combined weight, a loud rattle that echoed sharply down the narrow aisle. your hands flew back to grip the cold edge of the steel behind you, your knuckles turning white as he hammered into you with a punishing rhythm that made it entirely impossible to form a coherent thought.

any trace of your smug satisfaction evaporated into a ragged sob. he wasn't teasing anymore. the dam had completely cracked, and the flood was tearing both of you apart. the friction was sudden and blistering, the thick denim of his unzipped jeans scraping against your bare thighs, a chaotic mix of freezing metal and sweat slicked skin.

"jake- ah! jake, wait." you choked out, your head slamming back against the shelf behind you as he hit you deeper, driving himself into you like he was trying to fuse his body with yours.

"no." he growled, his voice completely wrecked, his face burying into the crook of your neck. he was panting like a dying man, his teeth grazing over your collarbone, leaving wet marks as his hips slammed relentlessly against yours. "no more waiting. i'm so fucking done with the space between us."

he shifted his grip, his large hands sliding under your thighs to lift you higher off the metal, pulling you completely flush against him so he could bury himself even deeper. the sheer desperation in his movements was staggering. he was clawing at you, devouring your mouth in messy kisses that tasted of unadulterated hunger. you could feel the heavy trembling in his arms, the tight strain of his muscles as he held you up, completely consumed by the need to be closer.

you couldn't think, you couldn't analyze. your legs wrapped even tighter around his waist, your ankles locking behind his back as you began to meet him stroke for desperate stroke. you ground yourself down against him, chasing the blinding heat, your hands leaving the cabinet to tear at his hair. every impact was deep and heavy, a blunt ache that centered in your lower stomach and radiated outward until your whole body was shaking.

"look at me." he commanded, his voice a broken rasp. he pulled back just an inch, his dark eyes glassy with sweat and pure yearning in the dim basement light. he was staring at you like you were his only lifeline in a room that was running out of air. "look at what you do to me. tell me you feel it. tell me you're drowning too."

"i am!" you cried out, a tear finally slipping down your cheek as your hips rolled into his, meeting a brutal thrust that made your vision tilt and white out at the edges. "jake, please... i can't... i'm going to-"

"good." he choked out, a sob-like sound catching in his throat as he pushed even harder, his chest heaving violently against yours. "don't think. just take me. take all of it.”

the rhythm turned entirely chaotic, completely stripped of any calculation or restraint. every slam of his hips was a beautiful shockwave that travelled straight up your spine. he was completely unravelled now, his teeth digging into your shoulder, biting hard enough to leave a permanent mark.

"jake, jake, please." you sobbed into his ear, your fingernails tearing at the skin of his neck, drawing faint red lines. your vision was blurring into unreadable shapes, the light overhead spinning in dizzying circles. the pressure building in your lower stomach was too intense, too heavy to survive. you were right on the edge, teetering over a drop that felt miles deep.

"i'm right here. look at me, y/n. don't close your eyes." he choked out, his voice dropping into a feral whisper. his long fingers dug so hard into your thighs that they left deep marks in your flesh.

you forced your lids open, looking into the fractured expanse of his eyes. he looked entirely unhinged, wild with a desperate hunger that was terrifyingly beautiful. he was watching you go under, tracking every twitch of your face, every ragged intake of your breath.

"jake-" you didn't even finish the sentence. your walls spasmed, tightening around him in a sudden wave of contractions that ripped a shattered scream from your throat. you buried your face in his neck, your teeth sinking into his shoulder as your entire body went completely rigid, formatting itself around the blinding ecstasy of the release.

the absolute fullness of him inside you during those few seconds was staggering, a sharp crest that made your brain go entirely quiet. that crushing squeeze was the final blow to his threadbare restraint. jake let out a guttural roar that vibrated deep inside your chest. he drove into you three more times — hard, deep, completely blind with his own release — before his entire body locked up.

he threw his head back, his jaw clenching so violently the cords in his neck stood out, and poured himself into you with a desperate shudder that seemed to go on forever.

for a long time, the only sound in the archive basement was the overlapping noise of your breathing. jake didn't pull away. he collapsed forward, burying his face in your messy hair, his broad chest heaving against yours as his weight pinned you flat against the metal cabinet. his arms wrapped around your waist, holding you so tightly it felt like he was trying to pull you inside his own ribs.

your legs were still locked around his waist, trembling with exhaustion, your skin slick with a mixture of sweat and the freezing air of the vault.

"don't move." he whispered against your ear, his voice a completely ruined baritone. his fingers flexed against your back, his touch suddenly incredibly tender compared to the violence from moments before. "just stay right here. don't run yet."

the steady drip of adrenaline suddenly began to fade, and the reality of the room crashed back in with excruciating clarity. the biting chill of the basement air hit your exposed skin, making a sudden shiver rack your entire frame. the silence in the vault was deafening now, suddenly being acutely aware of everything.

how loud your own chest was heaving. how his skin felt slick and hot against your palms. the absolute wreck of your clothes — your skirt bunched up around your waist, your shirt hanging open with the top buttons missing. your face burned with a sharp spike of self-consciousness that made your stomach do a nervous flip. your eyes darted down, landing on his shoulder where your teeth had left an angry red mark, and a wave of panic hit you.

what did we just do?

you shifted your weight awkwardly on the hard edge of the filing cabinet, your ankles slowly unlinking from behind his waist. your hands, which had been buried in his hair, dropped down to press weakly against his chest, trying to create an inch of space.

"jake." you breathed, your voice sounding small, raspy, and entirely too bare in the quiet aisle. "the... the files. vance is waiting for the intake data. we've been down here too long."

he didn't budge. if anything, he sank a fraction heavier against you, his hips remaining perfectly locked against yours, keeping you pinned to the cold metal. he slowly lifted his head from your neck, his dark hair completely disheveled, his eyes searching your face. they were still dark, his pupils wide, but the feral wildness had settled into a hyper-focused intensity.

"let him wait." jake murmured, his voice a low scrape.

you tried to look past his shoulder, anywhere but at his face, your fingers nervously twitching against his chest. "no, seriously. the digital network is down, they're drowning upstairs with the storm cases. if someone comes down here looking for us-"

"y/n."

the quiet command in his voice cut straight through your panicked rambling. his large hand left your waist, his long fingers reaching up to catch your chin, gently but firmly tilting your face back up until you had no choice but to look at him. his thumb pressed against your lower lip, tracing the swollen skin.

"stop that.” he said softly.

"stop what?" you asked, trying to force your voice into a defensive tone, but it came out as a breathless whisper.

"the retreating." he whispered, his thumb dragging slowly down to your jawline. "i can feel your brain working from here. you're already calculating the damage, trying to find a neat little box to put this in so you can pretend it was an isolated incident. you're looking for the exit."

your throat felt tight, the accuracy of his words making you ache. you wrapped your fingers around his wrist, not to pull his hand away, but just to hold onto something steady because your knees still felt like water. "it's a hospital basement, jake. we're colleagues. this... this is a massive hr violation, for one thing, and it's completely-"

"don't do that." he interrupted, leaning down until his forehead rested heavily against yours, his warm breath fanning across your lips. "don't lie to me. not after that. you held onto me like you were dying. y-you told me you wanted this. you don't get to go back to polite elevator nods, y/n. i won't let you do it to me again."

"i'm just trying to be realistic." you whispered, your eyes fluttering shut because having him this close, even after everything, was still making your chest swell with a terrifying amount of yearning. "this changes everything up there. it complicates everything."

"good." jake rasped, his lips brushing against yours slowly. he didn't pull away, he stayed right there, anchoring you to the reality of what had just happened. "let it change. i want it to. i've spent four years losing my mind. i'm not letting you run away this time."

the generators hummed somewhere beyond the thick concrete walls, a steady vibration filling the silence between your mouths. for four years, you had replayed the wreckage a thousand different ways in the quiet hours of the night. sometimes he apologized. sometimes you did. sometimes it was loud and explosive, a replication of the fights and the bickering that used to leave you both hollowed out and bleeding in that college library.

never, not once, had you imagined this.

your eyes searched his face, tracking the faint twitch in his jaw, the damp strands of dark hair sticking to his forehead. he looked completely exhausted. not just from the late shift or the winter storm, but with the structural fatigue of someone who had been carrying a weight so heavy for so long that he had forgotten how to stand upright without it.

and suddenly, the sterile basement walls dissolved, and all you could see was the university library. the fourth floor windows glowing long after midnight. the half-finished coffees growing cold between stacks of behavioral data prints. the almost mechanical way he used to ask if you had eaten because he knew your blood sugar crashed when you were anxious. the ridiculous arguments over predictive models that were always just a thinly veiled excuse to keep talking to each other.

the classroom. the freezing rain. the boy who had looked at you as though decoding your mind was the only thing that could ever salvage his own.

he had been there the entire time. buried beneath months of sterile protocol and polite nods.

"i'm so tired." you admitted, the confession so quiet it barely disturbed the heavy air between you.

jake’s expression softened, the clinical armor he wore upstairs completely melting away. "i know."

"no." your voice cracked, a raw edge of tears catching in your throat. "i'm tired of fighting you, jake. i'm tired of pretending you're just a name on a shift report."

his eyes closed for a brief second, his long eyelashes casting dark shadows over his cheekbones. when they opened again, they looked unbearably young. stripped of the professional detachment, they looked exactly like they had four years earlier, right before everything went up in flames.

"i'm tired too." he whispered.

the truth of it settled between your bodies with an astonishing gentleness. it wasn't dramatic. it wasn't a breakthrough. it was just a mutual surrender to the exhaustion of running from the same ghost.

you let out a shaky laugh, brushing the heel of your hand beneath your eyes to catch a stray tear before it could drop. "look at us."

he frowned slightly, his brow furrowing in that familiar, analytical way. "what?"

"we're clinical psychologists and behavioral researchers." you murmured, another ironic laugh escaping you. "we literally spend our entire lives studying human behavior, and somehow we've managed to spend years acting like complete idiots."

for a heartbeat, he simply stared at you, his thumb still resting against the curve of your hip. then, the corner of his mouth twitched.

and he laughed. really laughed. it wasn't the polite, polished sound he gave the department heads. it was that quiet chuckle that used to echo through the empty library stacks whenever you managed to prove one of his statistical algorithms wrong.

your chest tightened so sharply it felt like a physical ache.

"there you are." you whispered before your brain could filter the thought.

his smile faded, his dark irises locking onto yours with an intense gravity. "...what?"

"you." you said softly.

he didn't answer, he didn't have to. because for the first time since leaving, you weren't looking at the brilliant data analyst the hospital prided itself on. you were looking at jake. just jake. the boy who was just as terrified of his own depth as you were. and somehow, seeing him clearly after so much time hurt even worse than the silence.

somewhere outside the heavy vault door, the distant sound of footsteps echoed down the corridor, followed by the faint chime of the staff elevator. both of you instinctively glanced toward the aisle entrance.

reality was waiting upstairs. patients who needed evaluations. servers that needed to be brought back online. coworkers, morning rounds. the structured, clinical life you had both built to keep yourselves safe from one another.

"we should probably find those files." you murmured, though your hands didn't move from his sweater.

jake nodded, his chest rising and falling against yours in one last sigh. "yeah. vance is going to come down here himself if we take any longer."

neither of you moved. you stayed locked together in the narrow space, your bare thighs still cooling against the metal cabinet, the heat of the encounter lingering in the cold air like smoke.

then, after a long silence, he slowly reached down. his large hand slid over yours, his long fingers carefully intertwining with your own. it wasn't possessive. it wasn't the desperate, bruising grip from before. it was tentative. a lingering question you both should have had the courage to ask four years ago.

you looked down at your joined hands, the contrast of his pale skin against yours, before looking back up into his eyes.

but this time, you didn't pull away.

the end ⋆.˚˖࿔ ࣪

extra !

the next morning, the winter storm had cleared, leaving the hospital windows framing a blindingly white city. the central servers were back online, the basement archives were locked up, and the frantic chaos of the night shift had settled into the quiet hum of a friday morning.

you were standing at the nurse’s station on the psychiatric floor, nursing a lukewarm cup of coffee and staring blankly at a patient chart. you were wearing a high necked black sweater — a very deliberate choice — and your body still ached with a deep exhaustion that felt incredibly sweet.

"you look like you got hit by a snowplow." lily said, leaning her elbows on the counter beside you. she was currently holding a clipboard with a stack of new intake forms while looking at your face intensely. "did you even sleep?"

"barely." you murmured, keeping your eyes on the chart. "the emergency intake was a mess until the network came back up."

"tell me about it. the doctors were breathing down everyone's neck." lily sighed, flipping through her papers. "speaking of last night, did you ever find that baseline evaluation for bed four? vance said he sent you down to the archives, and then he sent jake down to help you, and then-"

the double doors to the wing hissed open.

both of you looked up. jake was walking down the corridor, his lab coat back on, unbuttoned and fluttering slightly as he moved with his usual long strides. he had a tablet in one hand, his eyes scanning a spreadsheet of behavioral data metrics. he looked as sharp and analytical as ever, but his hair was slightly damp from a rushed morning shower, and his jaw wasn't clenched for once.

lily didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. she just kept talking. "anyway, vance said you both took forever, so i assumed the filing system down there was a disaster-"

as jake drew level with the nurse's station, he didn't stop. he didn't even slow down. but as he passed you, his left hand dropped slightly.

his long fingers brushed against yours where your hand was resting on the counter. it wasn't a casual slip. his index finger hooked tightly around yours for a fleeting second, his warm thumb brushing over the back of your knuckles in a private squeeze before he let go.

he didn't look at you, his eyes never leaving his tablet. he just kept walking toward the administration offices, his expression completely blank, a perfect picture of professional detachment.

but you froze. your breath hitched in your throat, and a sudden, uncontrollable flush crawled up your neck, burning hot against the fabric of your sweater. you quickly took a sip of your coffee to hide it, your heart doing a happy flip against your ribs.

lily’s voice abruptly cut off.

you blinked, keeping your eyes glued to the patient file, desperately trying to look natural. "what? you were saying about the filing system?"

silence.

slowly, you turned your head. lily wasn't looking at her clipboard anymore. she was staring down at your hand on the counter, then staring down the hallway at jake’s retreating back, and then very slowly turning her gaze back to your face. her jaw was slightly slack, her eyes wide with a mix of absolute shock and frantic mental math.

lily had been a triage nurse on the psychiatric floor for years, which meant she possessed a near supernatural ability to read a room in under two seconds. she could spot a patient’s subtle shift in agitation, a doctor’s hidden hangover, or a brewing crisis before anyone else even noticed.

and right now, all that clinical intuition had just locked onto you.

she didn't need a degree in psychology to do the math. the puzzle pieces she had been casually collecting for months suddenly snapped together with an audible click.

the polite elevator nods. the way you always volunteered to go to the upper floors when jake wasn't there. the way jake’s posture went completely rigid whenever your name was mentioned in staff meetings. the sudden appearance of your high-necked sweater on a friday morning.

"oh my god." lily whispered, her voice dropping to a scandalized hiss.

"lily, don't." you pleaded quietly, your face burning even hotter as you shoved the patient chart shut.

"the university library." she gasped, her hands flying to her mouth as she leaned in so close your foreheads almost touched. "the “toxic situationship” from grad school who you said “moved across the country”? the data analyst?! jake?!"

"keep your voice down!" you hissed, looking around frantically, but the nearby nurses were occupied with a medication cart.

"you two have been playing matching coat cold war for months in this hospital, right?" lily muttered, her brain completely short-circuiting with joy. she looked down the hallway again, where jake was just disappearing into vance's office. "he just touched your hand. he didn't even look at you! that was the most calculated, romantic, deeply unhinged thing i have ever seen a researcher do."

"it wasn't calculated." you mumbled, a helpless smile finally breaking through your defensive exterior.

lily pointed a finger at you, her eyes gleaming with absolute victory. "you're smiling. you're glowing. y/n, you went into the basement for files and came back with a boyfriend. i am analyzing this entire situation and concluding that you are a complete idiot for waiting so much time.”

"we're figuring it out." you whispered, your fingers subconsciously tracing the spot on your knuckles where his thumb had just been. "we're... trying to be careful."

lily let out a happy hum, tapping her clipboard against her chin as she looked at you with pure affection. "well, the data doesn't lie, doc. you're a goner. now, tell me everything before daniel comes back out."

The doorbell rang at exactly 2:03 p.m.

You sat on the couch, legs crossed under you, headphones in, lazily scrolling on your phone. The apartment smelled faintly of coffee and the instant noodles Sieun had made but only taken two bites of before returning to his room with a book under his arm.

You didn’t even flinch at the sound.

The doorbell rang again, followed by aggressive knocking.

You sighed, pulling one earbud out. “Sieun!” you called. “Someone’s at the door!”

From down the hall. “You get it.”

“Why? It’s probably your weird friends again.”

“Exactly.”

You grumbled, rising to your feet. You had on shorts and an oversized hoodie that probably belonged to Sieun at some point. Your hair was a mess, and your face well, you hadn’t expected to see anyone important today.

You opened the door.

And three pairs of eyes blinked back at you in surprise.

There they were Park Humin, Seo Juntae, and Go Hyeontak, standing awkwardly in the hallway, each holding something: drinks, snacks, and a bag of chips, respectively.

You tilted your head.

They stared.

“Oh,” said Juntae, blinking rapidly. “We… uh… Sorry—did we get the wrong place?”

“No,” said Gotak slowly, frowning. “Wait… Who are you?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Who are you?”

Humin pointed at you like he’d just cracked a conspiracy. “Is this- are you his girlfriend?”

You blinked. Then barked a laugh. “Ew. No.”

“Wait,” said Gotak, narrowing his eyes. “You sure?”

“Dead sure.”

You turned around and yelled into the apartment, “Sieun! Your friends think I’m your girlfriend!”

A moment later, footsteps approached, and Yeon Sieun appeared, looking mildly irritated. “Don’t scream weird things,” he muttered.

Then he looked at the guys. “What are you all doing just standing there?”

“You didn’t tell us someone else was here,” Juntae said, his voice full of suspicion.

“She lives here,” Sieun said simply. “She’s my sister.”

Your eyes met Gotak’s again as you stepped aside to let them in. You noticed then just briefly his gaze lingered on your legs before he looked away quickly.

“Hi,” you said dryly. “I’m Y/N. Unfortunately related to this emotionally constipated guy.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Juntae, grinning now that the mystery was solved. “That was honestly, a wild thirty seconds.”

Humin nodded. “We seriously thought you two were dating. Sieun’s expression wasn’t helping.”

Gotak said nothing, but you felt his eyes on you again when he thought you weren’t looking.

The boys settled in the living room, drinks and snacks sprawled across the table. You mostly stayed on the edge of the room, half listening as you played a game on your phone, curled in a corner of the couch opposite Gotak.

It was a rare day when Sieun had people over, and rarer still when you didn’t feel invisible in your own house.

“He’s like this all the time?” Juntae asked you suddenly, pointing at Sieun.

You smirked. “You mean uptight and emotionally unavailable? Yeah. It’s like living with a robot who judges you for breathing too loudly.”

Sieun didn’t even react. He flipped a page in his book like he wasn’t even part of the conversation.

Gotak chuckled lowly. “So you got the personality in the family.”

You arched a brow. “That a compliment?”

He tilted his head. “Depends. You want it to be?”

You looked at him more carefully this time black shirt stretched over his broad shoulders, lazy grin playing on his lips, a dimple peeking when he smiled fully.

Maybe not as dumb as he looked.

“Let’s just say… I’ll take it,” you replied.

Juntae made a loud oooh noise from beside him.

“Are you flirting with my sister?” Sieun asked without looking up.

Gotak didn’t miss a beat. “Not if you shoot me.”

You laughed, a real one this time, and Gotak looked at you with something like triumph. He leaned a little back, but you could feel it, his eyes found you again every few minutes, like he was trying to figure out where he stood.

You didn’t give him much. Not yet.

Sieun retreated to his room again eventually too much talking, too much noise. The others were still chatting, and you stayed, amused by their banter. Somehow, you and Gotak ended up washing the dishes after dinner. You scrubbed, he dried.

“Seriously though,” he said, quieter now, “I thought you were his girlfriend. Gave me a heart attack.”

You glanced at him. “Disappointed?”

“Honestly?” He met your gaze, smile softening. “Kind of. You’re cool.”

You stared at him for a second longer than necessary. “I think that was flirting again.”

He grinned. “You gonna report me to Sieun?”

You smirked. “Only if you suck at it.”

The silence between you stretched, warm and awkward in the best way.

“Do you… want my number?” he asked.

You handed him a dry plate.

“Smooth,” you said. “Try again after you don’t smell like garlic chips.”

He laughed, head tilted back, genuinely amused.

“Challenge accepted.”

As the boys left, Gotak paused at the door, hands stuffed into his pockets.

“See you around.” he said your name, giving you a look you felt in your stomach.

You nodded, just a little, before closing the door behind them.

From his room, Sieun called out, “Don’t date my friends.”

You called back, “No promises.”

And you swore, you could hear him sigh.

"And you should hope he's back home," Satoru murmured, looking somewhere over your shoulder.

As if waiting for the raven-haired man to turn the corner any minute.

Your cheeks burned in anger, fists clenched. "He's my husband, I cannot leave him."

Satoru frowned, his eyes reflecting the same pain that filled yours. "And he's my best friend. But do you think we have another option?"

You stood face to face, both huffing and puffing while the chaos around you erupted.

How was it possible that within the mere hours everything suddenly turned upside down?

Just a while ago, Suguru's hands were still on your hips, swaying you both softly to the gentle hum of the piano. Dark hair swinging every time he swirled you, heavy smell of cologne hugging your body sweetly, homely, as if the world ended at the end of his fingertips. He laughed jolly, till his chest trembled and warm breath tickled your ear. Your lovely giggles made his eyes curve like a moon, and fingers dug softly into his plush hair.

As long as it was two of you, the rest didn't matter.

The opening of the new bar in your small town was meant to help you blow off some steam.

With singers and dancing, Gojo behind the piano and Sukuna serving disgustingly strong drinks.

With empty rooms where you secretly shared kisses, drunkenly, madly in love, while Suguru's hands drifted over your body. The curve of your hips, the swell of your breasts, honeyed moans he swallowed every time you clenched around his length and giggled softly in fear someone would her you.

But no one did.

Because no one mattered as much as him.

So how–

"Hi baby."

Everyone suddenly froze.

You, with your back turned towards the barn door. Satoru, with his ocean eyes, looking over your shoulder. Shoko gripping a bunch of garlic, and Sukuna pointing the rifle at your husband.

You turned slowly, seeing Suguru walking towards the bar with one hand in his pocket and the other swirling car keys around the finger. He looked normal, healthy, with the same handsome smile and deep purplish eyes tracing your cherry cheeks. Dressed in a clean, white shirt, with sleeves rolled up through his muscular forearms and hair kissed gently by a night's wind.

"Baby, come on. It's time to go home."

Your feet started moving, and a hand reached out, as if something in your bones reacted instinctively to your husband's gentle call.

But before you took a step, Satoru pulled you back.

"Satoru–"

"Let him come inside willingly," he whispered, careful not to make a direct invite.

Suguru came closer, with a smile not leaving his face and a chuckle bubbling in his throat. You looked at his relaxed body, with long legs drawing nearer and nearer, creamy skin coated in droplets of sweat after hours of dancing, until he... stopped.

"Baby, I thought you were tired," he laughed, tilting head. A few black strands nuzzled against his cheeks.

"I am, but..." come inside, you wanted to say, but Satoru tightened his grip on your wrist.

"But what? Let's go, we still have a long way to go."

You glanced back, seeing your friends standing still, as if awaiting the sentence. Shoko walked to your side, throwing a single head of garlic his way.

A whitish ball rolled on the ground, stopping near Suguru's leather shoes.

"Shoko, what are you doing?" he asked with amusement. "Why is everyone so–"

"Take it," she said.

Suguru frowned. "Why?"

"Just take it."

His raven hair shook, but body dipped down, taking a dirty ball between fingers. "And what now?"

Yeah, what now?

Shoko didn't know.

None of you knew.

Because him not reacting hurtfully to garlic could mean two things:

One, he truly wasn't a vampire, and you needed to take him in quickly.

And two, the vampires of this sort were much more powerful than Shoko expected.

You turned her way. "Should we–"

"No, he must come inside willingly," Shoko murmured, glancing at Suguru carefully.

He threw the garlic away, sighing in irritation. "Baby, what's going on? Let's go, I'm getting tired too."

You shuddered as your heart tore apart under his pledging gaze.

There was something wrong.

But wrong in the way the world sometimes goes quiet before a storm, when even the air feels a little heavier.

Suguru stood there, just a few steps away from the barn doors, shoulders slightly slumped with exhaustion, hair damp against his neck. He looked like he always did after a long day – a little tired, a little impatient, entirely yours.

"Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?" he muttered. "It’s cold, I’m tired, and you’re all staring at me like I grew a second head."

"Sugu, I... how about we stay for a while, hm? I'm a bit thirsty, you see," you said softly, fiddling with your fingers.

His head tilted, jaw clenched. "Oh, really?"

There was a moment of silence, with his eyes tracing yours – glassy, shattered, hopeful.

"Then why don't you invite me for a drink, baby?"

Oh. How much you've hoped to not hear those words.

To keep believing that your husband was still yours, watching you with the same loving gaze and warm smile that slashed through your heart.

"Baby," he said more quietly now, "why are you shaking?"

You hadn’t realized you were.

Your hands trembled at your sides, breath uneven, heart pounding so loudly it drowned out everything else.

Because now you saw it.

The stillness.

The way his chest didn’t quite move.

The way the cold seemed to cling to him, like he had carried something back from wherever he had been.

"You’re not coming in," your head shook, eyes clamped down, as if looking at your husband was too hurtful. Satoru embraced you, slowly, slowly, pulling you away from the doors.

Suguru frowned, biting down the laugh that tried to push through his lips. "Satoru, I think you're forgetting yourself."

"Sorry, man," he whispered, tightening hands on your shoulders. "Sukuna, could you?"

The man came closer, with a rifle directed right at your husband.

Your eyes suddenly widened, breath hitched, head pounded, as if hit by a hammer.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Before Sukuna could pull the trigger, you released yourself from Satoru's merciless grip and run towards the door.

Toward your Suguru.

"Wait!" Shoko tried to grab you, but everything happened too fast.

The shooting, your scream, Suguru's widening eyes.

A sudden pain piercing your chest, feet slipping outside the barn and finally, finally, those warm arms that grabbed you before Satoru could.

For a moment, there was no sound.

No gunshot echo, no screaming, no Shoko calling your name.

Just him.

Suguru.

Holding you.

Behind you, chaos erupted again – Satoru shouting, Shoko cursing, Sukuna lowering the rifle with a quiet, almost annoyed click – but it all blurred into nothing.

Because Suguru was looking at you like you were dying.

"Hey, baby," he tried to smile, pulling you closer to his chest. Cold fingers pushed away lost strands from your forehead, thumb circling over your pale lips. "Baby, what's wrong? Hey, talk to me, hm?" his voice broke, hands trembling as they pressed against your back, your side, your chest – where it hurt.

His hands shook harder as he tried to find the wound, to stop the bleeding, to fix something he didn’t understand.

But you saw it.

The truth.

In the way his skin felt colder than it should.

In the way his breath didn’t quite match yours.

In the way your pulse felt too loud.

Too bright.

Too alive against something that wasn’t.

Your fingers curled tighter into him. "Suguru…"

He glanced at you instantly.

With those oh so lovely eyes, now slightly wet and shimmering, as if cursed by the stars themselves. Your hand lifted up, pushing away raven hair that stuck to his forehead.

"I don’t think…" your voice faltered, breath hitching painfully. "I don’t think I can stay."

His expression shattered.

"No," he whispered sharply, with a slow shake of his head and first tears dripping down your chin. "No, baby, it's fine. It's okay, I'll help you, hm? Let me just bite you," you shuddered, as if in protest, but Suguru closed your lips with a gentle kiss. "Don't worry, it won't hurt. Baby it won't hurt, I promise."

Before you could answer, another voice chipped in. "Don't listen to him! You'll be damned for eternal life," Shoko's head dipped slightly from the barn. "You'll never again feel the warmth of the sun, never eat anything but human flesh. It's better to die than–"

Your crimson hand traced Suguru's pale cheek, smearing the blood all over his velvety skin. He looked beautiful, mesmerising, almost the same as just a few hours ago, while dancing with you, surrounded by nothing but deep laughter and music.

You giggled, remembering his shiny eyes and hands that swirled your body like a doll. Hips swinging to soft piano and head nuzzling against your neck. The sweetest kisses traced down your skin, before your soft laughter tickled his nerves pleasantly.

"I'd rather be damned than go through this life without you," you whispered, tracing his crushed expression.

He gripped your hand, pushing it against his lips. Soft kisses melted away all the pain that withered in your chest. Purplish eyes tried to memorise your lovely face, fingers pulling you closer to his chest, heart... not beating.

But deep down, you knew that he was still your husband.

Your Suguru.

With eyes curving like a moon and a gentle, weeping smile crossing his face. Raven hair curling around your face like a curtain, when he lowered down. Lips catching yours in a sweet, metallic kiss, almost as lovely as one you shared on your wedding day.

And now, he could be yours forever. As long as rays of sunshine stayed hidden, the world had not barriers.

Although yours would always end up somewhere between the end of his fingertips and deep laughter that inflamed your heart.

"Then let us both be damned," he whispered.

I absolutely loveeeed the scene with Bo and his wife in the Sinners. Although I would definitely come back to him lmao.

art by @thatsallitchief

each orgasm left you shaking and breathless and it took everything out of you, but you couldn’t get enough of him and he couldn’t get enough of you. you left in the morning while he was still more than half asleep, even though it hurt, just because you really didn’t know this man. you still left a note with your phone number and full name on his bedside table, then kissed his cheek before disappearing.

it broke his heart.

but he still texted you and you were the first to fold, asking to see him again after only two weeks. but you still left in the morning, and yuji wondered what he was doing wrong. he hadn’t had a relationship like this before, and he hated the loneliness. he knew that he should just ask you, but he didn’t want to mess things up by seeming clingy.

however, on the fourth or fifth night that you slept there, you felt him pulling at you as you tried to get out of his bed. you had plans with your friends that afternoon, and you were already going to be late as is.

“please.” he speaks softly, his warm, muscular arms wrapped around your core, holding you in place but not hurting you.

“yuji?”

“stay, please, I can’t—” he whines, begging, almost sounding like he’s sobbing. you try to move again and this time he lets go, folding in on himself and hiding his face in the pillows. you turn to look at him, gently placing your hand on his face, and you can see tears in his long, pretty eyelashes, already wetting the pillowcase beneath him. you run your thumb across his cheekbone, trying to soothe him.

“what’s wrong, baby, bad dream?”

“no, I don’t want you to leave. please.”

you frown, running your hands through his gorgeous, silky hair. fuck, you think, grabbing your phone and cancelling on your friends without much of a second thought. you climb back into bed and into his arms, and he’s still crying. poor baby.

“it’s okay, yuji, I’m staying.” you reassure him, and he sighs in relief.

“thank you, I need you.” and he’s so much bigger than you but he’s vulnerable. his handsome face is in your neck, softly kissing you while you still feel warm tears wet your skin, still hear his shaky little breaths and sniffles. you would have a lot to talk about later.

⋯

when you two finally get up for the day — hair and teeth brushed, faces washed, you in one of his oversized tees, and breakfast well on its way — he looks at you with the sweetest puppy eyes that you’ve ever seen, and he’s not even doing it on purpose. he’s just shy about what he’s going to say.

“I’m sorry about this morning.”

“don’t be. it’s okay, yuji.”

“I just, I want to know you better. I want to spend time with you, and take you on dates. I want to see your home. I want to meet your friends. we have something, don’t we? I’ve never felt like this. I know that you feel it too, right?”

you just realize now as you’re preparing breakfast in his big, lonely apartment, that you two have never even shared one meal together after all of these months.

“y-yeah. I was just scared that you didn’t feel the same.”

yuji almost looks as if he’s going to cry again, with tears in those beautiful, honey-colored eyes that you love so much, but he smiles. “good, I … I’m happy.”

you turn to him and he’s sitting at the breakfast table, relaxed with his legs spread and one hand on his mug of black coffee. his massive, muscular thighs look delicious, and you can’t help yourself from sitting in his lap. you sit facing him, and you kiss him.

it’s slow, but still purposeful. not because you’re going to have sex, just to taste him, to reassure him. he whimpers into the kiss, placing his big, warm hands on your waist, pulling you even closer. his lips are soft, his tongue is warm, and he tastes sweet, even with the bitter coffee.

“you’re so pretty, I want to give you everything.” he whispers, and his eyes are hazy and lovesick, but he means it. “I need you too, yuji.”

his breath catches, and he kisses you again. “thank you, angel girl. I promise that I’ll take care of you.”

you spend the whole weekend together, and you were both so cozy and content. you went walking together, grabbing coffee and tea at your favorite spots, then on a proper date at his favorite restaurant, and cuddling and watching anime and movies all night. you didn’t think that the sex could have gotten any better, but it did. and for the first time, he didn’t have to ask you to stay in the morning, because you didn’t even consider leaving.

yuji feels happier and more relieved than he has in decades, but there’s still that slight feeling of dread gnawing at him, knowing that he’ll have to explain everything about his immortality at some point. he hopes that you’ll still accept him, but he’s lived long enough to know that he should just live in the moment and appreciate what he has with you for now.

neither of you know it right now, but this is just the beginning of the happiest parts of your lives, and you’ll both love each other until your very last breaths.

◟♡

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prompt 15 / 15 for my 2k follower event !! ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭