I'm just too soft
pairing: nonidol!jay x afab!reader genre: fluff, angst wc: 7.1K summary: Jay partied with the hope you'd come to shut him up, but he realized it was better to win your heart piece by piece. Softly you started to seek the comfort of his presence as you started to lose yourself a bit. tw: sensory issues and sadness.
You knew the party was going to be for a while because the cars came with many people inside. In cars for five people, you saw seven come out, with beers, chips and smoking. You didn’t expect it to go that far. It was three in the morning, you had stopped studying for your test for the day, but you were not able to sleep with the music that rumbled on your walls.
You tried your noise cancelling headphones, you tried music, but soon it was three forty five, and nothing worked. Nothing. You were getting dysregulated, and you hated that. You took deep breaths, but nothing was working, you felt the noise inside each crevice of your brain, and you needed it to stop.
The house was alone, just you and your thoughts, your parents were not home because they had a wedding outside of the city, and your sibling decided that they wanted to hang out at some friends house. You needed to handle it by yourself.
You chug a lot of water, and braced yourself for the best, or worst. Changed shoes and walked out of the door. It was chilly as always and out of the anger and tiredness you felt for the situation, you forgot to wear a coat. With steps that didn’t show how anxious you were feeling, you walked towards your neighbours house. It had happened before, you asking him to shut the fuck up, but it always made you insecure. He probably thought you were annoying and a killjoy girl that had nothing better to do, but if that allowed you to sleep, you’d take it.
The house seemed normal on the outside, fancier than yours, but normal. You knew the parents of the house, they were kind and your parents would chat with them if they met on the street or the supermarket, but it was their kid the loud one.
You knocked on the door, rang the bell, knocked on the door, and on the third rang of the bell your neighbor appeared.
Jay.
“Hey.” he said cautiously. “What’s up?”
“Hi, can you stop? It’s now four am.” you said as softly as you could, without sounding rude and without saying what you really wanted to scream at him.
Tone it down, you fucker.
“Oh, shit. Sorry.” He nodded. “I apologize.”
“Good night.” you said flatly, turning your back to him and walking home quickly.
In less than five minutes people came out in a horde, with disappointed faces and stumbling. You were peeking through the window of your parent’s bedroom and smiled when the lights of the house dimmed.
Finally a peaceful two hours of sleep until your exam.
You fell asleep tired and worried, hoping you’d do well on your exam. Jay fell asleep happy and content to see you complain, after all, it was the few times he’d be able to talk to you.
The exam was hell, you forgot everything you had studied and only remembered how much you hated the noisy parties and Park Jay. You had been stressed in a way you had never been before, and that exam was something you needed to ace, if only you had slept better.
Why the hell did your teacher want four examples of what a Masterpiece literature was?! And why did you forget all the examples you had prepared? You just resigned and walked home, hungry and moody.
“I needed to do some homework but I'm just too tired.” Your friend, Mina, said through your phone. “I miss you, you know?”
“You do?” you ask popping on one elbow on your bed. “I miss you too.”
“Sometimes college is too much for me.” she confessed. “Besides, in my classes there’s not many interesting people. I miss you bickering about how much you hate your neighbors or any guy that crosses your path.”
“I can always complain still through texts.” you said jokingly. “I feel everything is a bit heavy, you know? Sometimes my classmates are just that… not attentive, like I would do, you know?"
“You are a sensitive soul, Y/nnie. Don’t let them turn that down, and we knew it would be hard for you.”
“I know.” Your eyes were covered in tears, you really needed sometimes the words of your best friend, but that was interrupted when someone rang the doorbell. “Someone rang the doorbell. I need to check the camera.
You made your way to the kitchen, where the camera of the doorbell was, and a very disheveled Jay was outside.
“What the fuck. Jay is outside.” you whispered on the phone.
“Oh my god! Go get your boyfriend.” You hung up after telling Mina you’d text her what happened and with still some tears in your eyes for missing your friend you opened the door.
You blinked fast to focus on Jay and dry the tears that were left.
“Hey, sorry for… um. How are you?” He scratched his neck nervously. You stared at him up and down with a frown. “I’m Jay."
“I know. We have been neighbors for a few years.” You said stating the obvious.
The guy knew how to dress up, you had to admit, and he was handsome too. Hair placed perfectly, he was wearing simple clothes, a shirt and some pants, but he did look put together… and handsome.
“Sorry, right.” he nodded. “I’m sorry for the noise. I apologize, it won’t happen again.”
“Really?” you crossed your arms, remembering the noise and getting mad. “Look I get it, but it was a bit extreme and loud, the fact that my walls were rumbling and it was four AM basically.”
“I know, and I apologize.” He looked genuinely sorry, and you couldn’t deny that he had a face that made you feel inclined to forgive him. “It won’t happen again.
“It’s fine. I accept your apology.” you said monotonous.
You thought of turning back and getting home, but you had no clue on how to end the conversation. A wave? A “shut up forever”? A smile?. Thank god he seemed more skilled, as he just smiled and continued.
“Are you busy right now? Can I borrow you for a few minutes?” You showed your confusion in your face and he smiled. “I invite you to a coffee. The new coffee shop that opened here. I pay.”
You looked down at your outfit, you were with your worse clothes, and you had decided to spend your afternoon inside, but a free coffee would do. The fact that you’d have to maintain a conversation with him made you feel a bit nervous, but Jay exuded a confidence that you decided you’d just follow his lead.
“Let me grab my keys.”
In less than two minutes, you had a coat on and phone in your pocket. You walked the two blocks to the new coffee shop that had opened recently. It was a family that had decided to turn it into a cozy space, with tables on the patio and the front. Jay and you settled on a small table with a big window that illuminated the whole place, next to you.
“I’ve never been here.” You admitted looking around the coffee shop.
“My mom came the other day and said it was cute.” he said looking at the menu. “But I hadn’t found the right occasion to come.”
You scanned the menu and chose a latte.
“Can you give me your Venmo details? I’ll transfer you the money.”
“No. I said I’d pay.” he said, settling down the menu and smiling at you.
The waiter came and took your orders, you both asked for the coffees and the waiter excused themselves.
“Take it as an apology for the parties.” he delicately said and smiled.
“Okay.” You nodded. But still feeling wary of him.
Your orders came in quickly, and Jay was great at turning small talk into interesting topics, the way he’d joke and talk about small things fascinated you and made you admire him a bit. Having that smoothness was something you always wished to achieve, but eventually gave up. To each their own, right? Maybe small talk, or even talking wasn’t your scene. But Jay? He was definitely smooth.
Soon you found yourself chatting freely, and you had again ordered another latte as you started to feel comfortable with him. In less than two hours this guy made you feel comfortable enough to laugh, which was something it took you weeks to achieve with normal people.
“I have seen you at the bus stop, you go to uni?” He asked, sipping his coffee and you nodded. “What do you study?”
“Literature, with a minor in marketing.” you stayed silent after answering, but realized you had an open space to keep the conversation flowing: “Do you?”
“I Do” he smiled. “I study business, no minor for me.”
“You don’t look like a business guy.” You said bluntly, but blushed, you didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. “Sorry, that wasn’t meant to be…”
“No worries, I know.” He laughed “What do I look like?”
“I don’t know, like a… nice boy.” you stated and he smiled. “Not that business people are mean, just— I had some classmates of that major and they were… you don’t seem like that”
“I don’t have the stuck-up attitude?” He asked. He didn’t take any offense on your comment and that made you feel warmer. Safer.
“Exactly.”
You walked home back together, he said goodbye with a small hug and you texted MIna first thing when you got to your room:
y/n: he invited me to a coffee y/n: he was nice y/n: he apologized for the noise.
mina: omg!!!!!! mina: i think he has a crush on you!
y/n: for a coffee? he was being nice
mina: omg this is huge mina: you think a MAN is nice
y/n: shut up :(
mina: never!!!! mina: i have to go to an online class mina: but remember, ii am so proud of u ynniee mina: pls remember it
The few days were slow in your life, a week had passed and your classes had been as quiet as ever, no tests, no essays to turn in, no group projects, nothing to worry about. You did take your time in the mornings, you did your make up and left for uni on time for the bus. The routine had been monotonous, so a random day you expected the same.
The cold air hit you, and you hid your face on your scarf. It was still dark outside, but with each step the darkness was vanishing and getting clearer. You sat on the bench of the bus stop, and looked at your phone to check the bus status. Five minutes until the next bus.
Quick footsteps sounded behind you. You turned around quickly, scared. Jay was running towards the bus stop.
“Hi.” He said out of breath. “Did the bus pass already?”
“Which one?” you asked. “The red one comes in five minutes.”
“Great.” he exhales and sits next to you. “I thought I had lost it.”
You waited in silence. The bus stop started to fill around you two. People dressed up for work, in their suits and kids dressed up for school in their uniforms. Jay sat still next to you. Even as the bus arrived, he sat next to you, all the time in silence, but totally comfortable.
“What’s your stop?” he looked at you.
“Seventh one. Yours?”
“Almost the last one.” he said looking outside the window. “I just stay the whole time here and look around.”
“Does it get boring?” you asked.
“Not really. I read texts for class, listen to music, and sometimes I sleep a bit. It depends on the day.” he explained and continued the conversation.
You’d ask questions and he’d answer them happily, he would ask questions and you’d answer them with a shy undertone. He did realize that you were a bit shy in conversations, but Jay did his best in acting as if he didn’t notice, he had made it his mission to make you feel as comfortable as he could. When you hopped off the bus, Jay was grinning ear to ear. He had been able to talk to you again, and you seemed each time more comfortable with him. He decided that was the best start of his day, and that he wouldn’t mind starting his days like that.
“Hey, what’s up?” you asked, walking up to Jay.
The doorbell had rang in the afternoon, you were so focused on writing your essay that it startled you. Your sibling didn’t lift a finger to open the door, so you had to pause and get down,
“I never…” he looked around, and his cheeks turned pink. “Can I get your phone number?”
“My— why?” you asked confused.
“I want to talk to you more.” he said frankly. “If you are comfortable, I mean.”
“Sure” you shrugged and grabbed his phone when he opened the contact screen. You typed in your number but left the name slot empty, he’d name you however he wanted. Maybe “y/n neighbor” or “y/n neighbor that complains”.
“Sorry if that was sudden.” he said apologetically. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“It’s fine.” you said smiling.
“I—”
“I—”
You both spoke at the same time, he chuckled and you smiled. You signaled him to go first.
“I should go, I have some homework to do.” Jay said looking at you with a smile. “i’ll text you, so you can save my number.”
“I will.” You smiled. “Have a good afternoon, Jay.”
The next morning, you got a text at exactly seven am.
jay: hey! did you leave home yet? jay: we can walk together to the bus stop.
The first time, he was waiting for you outside your house. Then, two weeks into his messages asking if you had left home, your parents just looked at you with curious eyes as you’d leave home with a smile, but you shrugged it off.
You tried to act cool about it, but Jay was over the moon. When he got to class his friend looked at him, grinning ear to ear. Jay was mostly stoic, so the fact that he was smiling too early on the day, his friends found it weird.
“What’s got you so happy?” Jake asked, eyeing him.
“Nothing.” Jay said getting serious suddenly and setting his things ready for class. But Jake didn’t drop it, he never did.
“Wait… is this about your neighbor?” Jake looked excited and Jay blushed a bit. “It so is!”
“Shut up.” Jay tried to end the conversation.
“Jay is in love” Jake joked and pushed Jay’s shoulders. “Man, I never thought I’d see the day.”
“You talk as if I was banging everything.” Jay sounded offended at his friend’s surprise.
“Nah, but you were Mr. Love is a waste of time.” Jake said and looked at Jay, who was trying to keep a stoic expression.
Jay did have a crush on you, he just hoped you could have a crush on him too.
Some days for you were harder than others. People were too much sometimes, too noisy, too cold, too complicated for you, and you felt too small next to them. It was something you knew how to deal with, but it became heavier everyday, especially since you didn’t have your best friend anymore to make you feel comfortable.
y/n: was a bad day:( y/n: I miss you, like a lot
Your day had started okay, the daily walk with Jay and the ride on the bus, but once you got into the classroom it went from bad to worse. The girls you hung out with at college forgot to save you a spot, when you always did that for them, so you had to sit in the back of the class. Normal, right? Those things happen. Next, at lunch time no one waited for you, and when you went to the table where they were eating, they just excused themselves, said they forgot about waiting for you and that they were too hungry to wait. Again, you let it slip, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Small things like that happened during the day, they’d walk in front and leave you behind, they’d all disappear together and leave you there. Those things you would never do to someone, but well, college worked like that. You started to distance yourself from them, they weren’t worth it, but even in your fourth year, those things made you sad. Moments when you felt excluded made you miss Mina more.
The bus was mostly empty when you got up, and you felt a lump in your throat. You wanted to get home and be able to cry, it was stupid, but for things like that you felt so alone. You only had your family, your best friend, that was kilometers away and that was it. That was where your loved ones ended.
You had always had problems reading social things, you came to understand your brain was wired differently, small things bothered you, loud people, repeated noises, and you would overthink everything and overfeel things that for some people didn’t seem like a big deal. It was very hard to be inside your head sometimes, sometimes your own brain was too loud.
You scanned the bus quickly to see if any seats were available, and there it was one, next to a guy. You came closer, and realized it was Jay, he smiled and waved at you, patting the seat next to him.
“Hey!” he said cheerfully. “How was your day?” You tried to smile at him, but it probably looked very bad, as his face changed into a worried expression. “You okay?” he turned his body to you as best as he could on the bus seat.
You nodded weakly, but you felt the tears prick in your eyes. You didn’t want to look at him, as you knew you’d probably cry, but when one tear fell down your cheek and onto your lap, you looked at him, and out of nowhere you went and hugged him, out of nowhere.
He stroked your hair softly as his arms wrapped around you, with soothing movements on your back. You kept crying, not sobbing, so you weren’t making any noise that would make people stare, but you were too sad to even care about things anymore. Jay was warm and you needed someone at that moment. With him holding you, things for a few minutes felt easy. He was whispering sweet nothings in your ear, trying to calm you down, but not forcing you to stop crying.
When you had calmed down, you sat up straight again. Jay looked at you, fixed the hair that was stuck to your face thanks to your tears, and you thought that probably, you looked awful, all your makeup smudged and the mascara down your cheeks, you didn’t want to check a mirror, because you’d feel more embarrassed.
“It’s our stop.” he said softly, grabbing your hand. You nodded and both got off the bus.
“I’m sorry, I probably stained your shirt.” you spoke with a strained voice.
“It’s fine.”
You walked slowly, small steps as you felt drained of energy. But Jay’s hand was still holding yours, with a firm grip, steading you. He didn’t pressure you to speak, just walked home with you in silence, at your own pace.
“I had a bad day.” you confessed. “Sorry for crying on you.”
“It’s okay.” he said and you felt him looking at you. You were staring at the floor, still embarrassed. “I don’t mind. Thank you for trusting me to hold you.”
You looked up. Shocked that he saw that moment like that. He didn’t say it in a mocking tone, but so honest, soft, that it gave you chills and made you feel special.
“You’re welcome? I don’t know what to say.” You confessed and he chuckled.
“Don’t worry. Just, so you know… I’m here.”
When you got home, you took your shower and just laid in bed. You told your family you didn’t feel like eating and that you were too tired, but you just wanted to sleep. You opened your phone and went to MIna’s chat.
y/n: today was a bad day :( y/n: the girls at college just always push me aside y/n: i don’t know if its my fault tbh y/n: i really miss you y/n: i feel so pathetic sometimes, but idk y/n: we havent talked much :( y/n: i know we are basically on exam season but i miss you y/n: sorry im just sad and i get clingy y/n: have a good day Minaa ily
When Jay meant he was there for you, he indeed meant it. For the next three weeks after your breakdown, you decided to open up more with him, and he did so, too. You’d tell a bit about each other, not just your sad parts, but how you enjoyed books, and Jay would tell you how he liked to play the guitar. You’d complain about your class and he’d do the same, building a small net of knowledge of each other in your minds.
“You don’t host parties anymore?” You asked one day as you both were on the bus.
“I don’t need to, anymore.” He said. “I never enjoyed them.”
“They are too loud.” You said, agreeing with him. “When you had parties I would be very…” you paused trying to look for the words.
“Angry?”
“No, I would get dysregulated.” You confessed, feeling a bit exposed, but after all you started to become friends, right? And maybe you did like him a bit, but that was not the point. Even if not many people knew how sensible you were to some things, you wanted Jay to understand you. “I’m not saying it to make you feel bad.”
“But… how so? Dysregulated as…?” he looked confused.
“Palpitations, panic attacks, all that. It sounds extreme but for my brain sometimes small things are too big.” you confessed, suddenly feeling small. “So everytime I would wear noise cancelling headphones, or just go and ask for you to stop.”
“I… didn’t know.” he said, looking at the floor, totally still.
“It’s okay… you didn’t have to” you chuckled.
“Y/N, I am so sorry.” he looked at you with a worried expression. “I am so fucking sorry.”
“Why?” You were confused by his reaction, he looked guilty and genuinely sorry at the same time. BUt what was he sorry for? For you being “weird”? Maybe he was apologizing because you felt too much? Maybe he did think you were weird after all, maybe you shouldn’t have to talk to him.
“I… organized those parties because I realized you would come by to hush, and I would see you, and I thought it would give me a topic to chat with you, but I didn’t know they affected you.” he started explaining fast. “I did it because I wanted to see you and apologize and talk to you but I never thought… fuck, I’m an idiot.”
“Wait… you wanted to see me?” you looked at him. Jay looked genuinely apologetic and conflicted.
“I did! I do, I mean… I always thought you were very pretty, and when my parents would talk about you, I wanted to get to know you, but I didn’t know how to approach you.”
“Talking to me wasn’t an option?” You tried to joke, sensing his anguish, but not knowing how to stop it.
“It was! I mean, I am really sorry.” He held your hand in his. “I apologize.”
“You… thought I was pretty?” You asked, catching up to what he was saying. “Is this like a confession?”
“If you want it to be, it can be.” He nodded quickly. “And I still think you are very pretty, breathtakingly beautiful.”
“Don’t say nonsense.” You pushed him softly and he shook his head.
“I’m serious.”
Jay and you started to move through quiet interactions. He was more straightforward, telling you how pretty you looked, or sometimes waiting for you at the bus stop of your college so you’d ride the same bus back home. He was inserting himself into your routine step by step, and you didn’t mind it. He seemed to understand you. When things got overwhelming, he’d show up and take you for a walk around the block so you’d clear your head. Your parents invited him for dinner once and he appeared with flowers and a small pie he said he baked. So when your birthday came, you were expecting a bit to see if he’d still show up.
“Happy birthday.” he said outside your door. He had a pink bag, a bouquet of flowers and a balloon that said birthday girl.
“For me?” you asked, touched that he was doing that for you.
“I don’t see any other pretty girl whose birthday is today.” He handed you the bouquet of pink flowers and your gift. “Happy birthday, Y/N.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Of course I did, I have to show you I am boyfriend material and you deserve the best.” He said as a matter of fact.
You blushed but tried to ignore his comment, maybe he just said boyfriend material for everyone? But that day was your birthday, you allowed yourself to think he wanted to be your boyfriend, because you’d be lying if you said your crush on him wasn’t growing bigger and bigger each day.
“I have a class today, but I will see you later?” he said looking down at you and you nodded. He bent, kissed your forehead. “See you.”
When you went inside, you gave the day to yourself. You didn’t have classes, but the rest of your family had things to do, work and school, so you were happy you’d be home alone. You laid on your bed and watched reruns of any tv show you could find on the TV.
You looked at your phone, and Mina still hadn’t written anything. She was one of the first people to congratulate you, but it was radio silence from her. You really tried not to think too much about it, but what if she had forgotten? You didn’t want to remind her that it was your birthday, but… what if she…
You had to stop those thoughts, and your parents arrived just in time to have lunch with you. They ordered your favorite food, and while you chatted and ate, your dad took out a bag out of the closet. They had hidden your gift there. You laughed as you hugged them, and they received it with a smile on their faces. You did love gifts, you couldn’t lie.
You opened it fast, and took out the box from the paper bag. It was a new laptop.
“You… didn’t have to.”
“We knew yours was old, and you were saving for a new one.” Your dad shrugged and gave you a smile.
“I brought you something too.” your sibling handed to you some books that you were eying. “I hope you like them.” They just smiled, you didn’t expect a hug or smile from them, so they just fist bumped you. Teenagers were weird but you’d take what they gave.
You were so happy to be around your family. And the afternoon just got better, you watched a movie together, but that didn’t stop you from checking your phone every few minutes. Mina hadn’t uttered a word through text.
At exactly five pm, your doll bell rang. Your sibling went up to get it, and when they opened the door the just screamed:
“Y/N, it’s for you!” you jumped out of the couch.
Probably it was Mina, could it be? She did like surprises a lot, and maybe that was the reason why she had ignored you for the past days, so you’d be shocked, so you opened the door ready to see your best friend, but she wasn’t there.
It was Jay.
“Oh, hi.” you said, trying to mask your disappointment, but you were still happy to see him. “What are you doing here?”
“I am here to take you out.” He pointed to his car.
“But I’m not even dressed up. I’m still in my pajamas.” You looked down at your outfit.
“You look perfect, but if you want, you can change and I’ll wait here.” he said.
“No, just come in.” you moved and let everyone know that Jay would stay for a while
He walked into the living room and started chatting with your parents. You went upstairs quickly to change clothes and maybe do your make up, but to be honest, you didn’t feel much excitement to wear make up. So you settled for a cute outfit that made you feel pretty, after all it was your birthday, and you deserved to feel pretty.
“I’m ready, I tried to be as fast as possible.” You announced, putting your coat on.
“Let’s go.” Jay said, smiling and getting up from the couch. Said his goodbyes to your parents, as charming as always and you both walked out of the door.
The ride to the coffee shop, where Jay was taking you, was quiet. You had your mind set on your best friend, wondering why she hadn’t called or texted you yet, but you had Jay next to you. It felt unfair to him to be focused on a problem when he was literally driving with you because he wanted to celebrate your birthday with you.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I am.” you said fast.
“You are thinking very loud.”
“It’s just, you remember my best friend, MIna?” you started explaining. He nodded. “She hasn’t said anything to me.”
“No?”
“I don’t know, the other day I asked her if she’d be home for her mom’s birthday, it’s tomorrow, so I assumed she’d probably be in town, but she said she had too much homework and wouldn’t travel” you sighed.
“Has she said something to you that made you feel weird?” He asked, following the conversation.
“That’s the thing! She hasn’t said anything.” you tried to ignore the lump in your throat, as you felt your thoughts eating you on the inside, but you took deep breaths to calm down. “I’m sorry, I’m a bummer.”
“Never.” he held your hand, and parked in front of the coffee shop.
You looked at the outside of it, and it was gorgeous. It had a lot of flower decorations around the door, and a big window that showed the inside. A few people were sitting, under the soft glow of the lamps and the creamy walls. The baristas were moving around, and it felt cozy.
Jay opened the door for you and you smiled at him. You both sat at a table at the end of the coffee shop, and started looking at the menu.
“Do you want a latte?” he looked at you smiling. You nodded. When the waiter came and took your order, Jay held your hand on top of the table as you kept staring at your phone “Hey.”
“Sorry.” You looked down, but he just brushed your knuckles with his hand.
“I get it, but… I really don’t want you to be sad and if—”
You stopped paying attention to his words when the door opened and your best friend walked in. Laughing with another girl, who you knew as her other friend, Joon. Your attitude instantly changed when you recognized her, and Jay noticed that. He looked at the door and muttered:
“Fuck.” he tightened the grip of his hand on yours. “You want to go?”
“I… yeah” you said, your eyes filling with tears. “I mean… what am I supposed to do?”
“You could go say hi to her, and maybe she has an explanation?” he said and sighs, realizing that there was not a single good side to the story. “I really don’t know, but whatever you do, I support you.”
“I’ll just go say hi, and… maybe—” you lifted your shoulders. “Then we can go?”
“Of course.” He started to get up and grab his jacket. You walked quickly, forgetting your coat. Jay took it for you, and walked behind you slowly, giving you as much space as he could.
You touched her shoulder.
“Mina, hi.” you said and her face dropped.
She knew she had lied to you by saying she wasn’t going to come to her mom’s birthday because she was too busy, and that you had caught her. She had her phone right next to her, and she always did, so you realized she was blatantly ignoring the messages you had been sending to her for the past month. You saw the discomfort on her face.
“Y/N…” she looked at her other friend, who looked as equally uncomfortable as Mina did. “This is my best friend, Joon.”
“You said you wouldn’t be in town.” you said, suddenly feeling small.
“I… yeah, I know.” she said, suddenly her features became cold.
You felt Jay’s hand around your waist, you nodded to him and he directed you towards the door. You felt his arm around your waist starting to draw soothing circles on your side, while you just stood numb.
“She didn’t just forget my birthday, she lied to me and she… Jay, is it bad that I feel replaced that she called best friend her other friend?” you said quickly as you got into the car and Jay drove. “I know people have more than one best friend, but… She always complained that the Joon girl called her spoiled, or mocked her for her money, and there she goes and hangs out with her, on my birthday!”
Jay just listened to you.
“I’m… so mad. I’m not even sad. I mean, I am so sad, but I don't know.” you sighed and let your head fall back on the seat.
“It’s okay.” He looked at you at a red light, and held your hand, you had started to fidget with them, and apparently he had picked up on that habit of yours. “I'd be hella pissed too, so you are not alone. I am even pissed and I don’t know the girl.”
You chuckled sadly.
“You wanna go home?” he asked.
“I have coupons for a drive through." you offered softly, still feeling bad that you ruined his plan.
“Save them, I pay the drive through.”
You both ate in his car, in silence. He didn’t try to make any conversation, and you didn’t feel like talking. You didn’t feel like crying either, you were angry and felt lied to. She hadn’t even texted, and you really wanted to turn off your phone.
“Thank you.” you said, turning to Jay. “Really, for tonight and for everything.”
“Always here for you, told you.”
When you got home, you did your routine, but went to Mina’s chat to see if there was ever a sign that made you understand why she acted the way she did, but the chat was mostly your messages, you were about to leave the chat, when you saw the bubble on her side appearing. Maybe she was going to apologize and wish you happy birthday, you really did hope so.
mina: to be honest i have been ignoring your messages mina: you just tire me sometimes mina: you became so clingy and its exhausting mina: you act all jealous like wth mina: i mean we can still be in touch on ig mina: and answers each other's stories but mina: don’t expect me to text you much mina: i have a lot of exams now and i dont have time for you mina: so we can still stay in contact mina: just dont expect me to answer
You stared at your phone, frozen. You felt every part of your body touching the covers of your bed, you felt how your hair prickled your neck and even how each tear followed a path that ended on your neck. You weren’t able to move, you weren’t able to breathe. You were just rereading the cold words that someone you called best friend said to you.
You just texted back:
y/n: im sorry i ever made you feel that way y/n: making you feel bad was the last thing i ever wanted to do y/n: because i really love you so much y/n: and i apologize if i made you feel bad
You closed the messages app and turned off your phone. You looked at the calendar for the next day, you had a day packed with classes, but you knew you’d stay in bed. You hid your phone in a drawer and went to sleep, crying in silence.
Was that how you just ended the friendship that made you believe you weren’t too much? The only persona that ever made you feel special said you tire her, the one person who you had gone to war for literally iced you out. You loved her so much, but you weren’t going to beg for a friendship and you weren’t going to accept, not even half of her friendship. You weren’t going to wait around for her, not after she used your insecurities against you.
You woke up to your doorbell ringing. You had no clue what time it was, you just remember someone coming into your room to ask you if you were going to class and you just lied and said that your teachers had cancelled most of your classes. The doorbell didn’t stop ringing, so you went and saw through the camera a very worried Jay.
You quickly went and opened the door.
“Hey” you said but you realized your voice sounded weak.
“What happened?” he said, holding your arms. “Did something else happen with your friend?”
You were too stunned by the doorbell that you didn’t even process why you hadn’t gone to classes, and why you suddenly felt too sad to explain what had happened to Jay. You weakly nodded and moved to the side to let him in.
“What the fuck?” he said looking shocked at your phone. “That… Sorry, I can’t say that, but—” he scooted closer. Held your hands and looked at you in the eyes. “Do you know you are nothing of the shit she tells you?”
“Am I?” you didn’t feel so sure after what she said. After the person you trusted the most told you how you were, were you supposed to not believe her?
“Of course!” he grabbed your face in his hands, softly. “I swear, she’s nuts, like she has a problem. You are perfect, and she should have felt lucky that you called her best friend. Fuck, she should feel lucky that she had you in her life.”
Your tears started to fall.
“You are perfect, Y/N. Not because she says it is true, she is just a shitty person now, and you are too good for her. Really, you are too good, too pure for this world. Hell, no one deserves to be in your presence.”
“You’re just saying things, Jay.” You tried to stop blushing, but you also tried to stop crying.
“I am not, I try to be deserving of your presence as much as I can, and she had it and wasted it. You don’t deserve people like that in your life. I’m so sorry for all of this, if I could make it better I would.”
You just went and launched on top of him, giving him a hug. Apparently that had become a habit when you were crying, but he received you with open arms and buried his head on the crook of your neck. You both laid back on the couch, and he made sure you were comfortable, while still holding you. You cried on his shoulder and he never stopped you, just kissed your head, and rubbed your back to sooth you, trying to make you feel safe. Eventually, you fell asleep on him, and he just let you stay still. Not moving an inch, and being thankful you trusted him enough to let him hold you when you were vulnerable.
Days passed and that was the last conversation you two had. You felt like you needed closure, but not having it also felt like one. You felt sad most days, except for when you walked with Jay or spent time with him, which made you fall for him more and more.
He never pushed, he never complained, he gave you your time and space, and you really appreciated him for that. You had your doubts and insecurities about if he’d leave, but you started to shut them up. And the first step was telling him how you felt.
After lunch, you went to his house and knocked. His mom opened and smiled at you.
“You look gorgeous, honey! It’s been so long!” she hugged you with a smile on her face. “Jay has been talking about you non-stop.”
“Really?” you asked amused, and a bit shy, and she nodded, happy. “I… actually wanted to see if he’s home.”
“Yes, darling.” She moved to the side and made a gesture so you’d get in. “He’s in his room. Right door on the second floor.”
You thanked her and went up the stairs without taking a look around the house. You didn’t want to seem noisy in front of Jay’s mom, but on the stairs there were some pictures of Jay as a kid and teenager, so you looked at them quickly with a smile on your face. You stood in front of his door, that was ajar. You peeked your head a bit to see if it actually was his room and his backpack on the floor confirmed that.
You still softly knocked on the door.
“Come in!” he screamed.
“Hi.” you said fully opening the door. He stood up so fast that you laughed at his shocked reaction. “Sorry for coming without telling you.”
“No! I mean… don’t apologize.” he said, coming up to kiss you on the cheek. “But… what are you doing here?”
“I wanted to tell you something.” He nodded and grabbed your hand so you’d sit on his bed with him. “I…” you looked at him with hope in your eyes, he still was holding your hand, and you really hope you didn’t mis-read his signs “I really like you, and I wanted you to know.”
He stood frozen, his eyes fixed on you and his mouth hanging open. Maybe you had misread everything.
“If you don’t like me, it’s fine. I just really wanted you to know.”
“Not like you? Are you out of your mind?” He placed some hair behind your ear. “I’m head over heels for you, Y/N.”
“Really?” He nodded, smiling.
“Of course I am, I tried to be as obvious as possible, but I didn’t want to push you. I wanted you to realize on your own your feelings, even if they weren’t the same as mine, but I really like you.”
“You do?”
“Yes, of course.” He hugged me tightly. “God, I am so happy, I could kiss you.” He froze and moved back from the hug, but not moving his arms that still stayed around you. “I mean, I don’t… I do want to but if you don’t… I am okay.”
You chuckled and grabbed his face, placed a small peck on his lips and he smiled. He went and kissed you deeper making you fall backwards on the bed, laughing. When you both separated to breathe, he started kissing you loudly, your cheeks, your eyes and your forehead tickling you.
“Be my girlfriend, please.” He said. “I’ll beg if I have to.”
You laughed and nodded.
“Yes, I will.” you answered and he grabbed you and turned you around so you’d stay on top of him. “Jay!”
“I’m so happy I could kiss you.” He said again. “And as your boyfriend, I can kiss you whenever I want.” he said and kissed you again, softly.
When you were in your last class of the day, a classmate you had gotten closer to, Anna, sat next to you while you both took notes. Waiting for the class to end, both of you were sharing a package of cookies that was almost empty. For when the teacher dismissed all of you, the cookies disappeared and you both stood up saving your stuff in your bags.
“I have to go to my next class, are you heading home?” Anna asked you, walking together towards the door of the class. You nodded, smiling. “Gosh, you’re so lucky.”
“Have a good class.” You waved at her and went your separate ways.
You placed your scarf around your neck as you saw someone coming towards you quickly and grabbing you. You looked at them scared and hit their arm, after recognizing them.
“You scared me. How are you here?” you said smiling and hugging him.
“Can’t a guy surprise his beautiful girlfriend?” he said, holding your hand and grabbing your bag. “Your university is big, so I had to ask people how to get to your faculty.”
“I know, but you get used to it.” You smiled at him. “You really came? Why?”
“No reason, I wanted to see you and pick you up.” he stopped to give you a quick peck on the lips.
“But…”
“Accept my love and devotion for you, okay?” he kissed your cheek and you blushed. “Are you blushing?”
“Shut up.” You looked to the ground, avoiding his gaze
“Months together and you still blush even when—”
“Shut up.” You hit his arm softly and he laughs.
“Let’s go home?” he suggested, now hugging you by the waist, pulling you closer, even while walking. You nodded, you really wanted to sleep "Can I stay at yours?”
“You literally live next door.”
“You always say that but end up agreeing.” he kissed your cheek and you both walked out of the building into the cold air. Together.
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