Well, as the title said, when I’m in college back then, I was interested to join on one of the club I was anticipated since I was in the first year of my college. I was registered in their club, the coding club, because I was really keen to learn how to do programming (which now I literally felt exhausted), I even attended when their doing first socialization for rules, who has commitment etc etc. But then, when the day is started, I went to college and saw them, but apparently, I have no guts and being so pussy and too scared, then I literally didn’t attend the club and just stare them behind the bushes, yes, THE FREAKING BUSHES!
Well, here’s the things. First of all, yes I’m introvert, but I felt like I was the extremist of introvert. I was thinking about social anxiety, but I feel like it’s just 60%-ish, and I was thought maybe I have Aspergers kind of thing. But again, since I couldn’t prove it (going to psychology is a hella expensive tho) and just face to reality, I called myself that I have the things called “Alienation-kind of Syndrome”. Yes, I found it and it is for myself, at the moment. It was a mix between ASD-kind of level surface and social anxiety plus introvert (sounds worst, right?, yes it is).
So yeah, I was NEARLY have a club, but I didn’t. That is really the saddest most pathetic story you ever heard, right?. God, I just wish to be able socialize like a normal person. I don’t know why in the world I’ve been like this. I want to end this but I couldn’t. I’m getting a bit better now, but still shitty. I’ll write the story for later, this is exhausted to tell this story right now T-T. God, what a bad memory I’ve been through!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Dibalik Alasan Kenapa Dalam Situasi Memerangi Virus Korona Ini Tergantung Pada Dirimu
Virus Korona yang mewabah secara global ini pertama kali terjadi di Kota Wuhan, Provinsi Hubei, Republik Rakyat Tiongkok (Cina), lebih tepatnya diduga berasal dari pasar tradisional binatang hidup di kota tersebut pada Desember tahun lalu, 2019. Ngomong-ngomong tentang virus korona ini, saya pernah menonton salah satu video Vox dengan judul “Why fighting the coronavirus depends on you” memberikan wawasan mengapa ada istilah social distancing dan flatten the curve muncul beberapa awal tahun ini. Ini versi bahasa indonesianya.
Pada tanggal 11 Maret 2020 WHO mengadakan konfrensi pers untuk kesekian kalinya mengenai Virus Korona atau penyakit Covid-19 ini, WHO mengumumkan bahwa kasus virus ini diluar kejadian asal, yaitu Tiongkok (Cina) telah melunjak naik 13 kali lipat dan organisasi tersebut mengkategorikan Covid-19 ini menjadi sebuah kejadian pandemi. Virus ini telah membuat negara seperti Tiongkok (Cina), Korea Selatan, Jepang, Iran, Italia kewalahan dan ini menjadi pertanda serius kepada negara lain yang terkena dampaknya hingga di Indonesia pun yang dari puluhan dan dalam beberapa minggu menjadi ratusan (dan saat ini lebih dari 300) kasus yang terdeteksi dan terus bertambah. Pada pertemuan itu pula, WHO mengatakan dalam beberapa hari dan minggu kedepan akan melihat peningkatan jumlah kasus, kematian dan negara yang terinfeksi.
Seseorang yang memiliki penyakit Covid-19 ini biasanya menunjukkan gejala seperti demam tinggi, pusing, kelelahan dan batuk namun beberapa memiliki gejala ringan lain seperti susah nafas, nyeri otot dan pegel ini jarang ditemui. Dari gejala-gejala tersebut, tidak semuanya mengalami hal yang sama dan, terdapat beberapa orang yang terjangkit virus ini yang tidak menunjukkan gejala apapun, layaknya orang sehat pada umumnya. Berdasarkan data kasus dari Tiongkok (Cina), mayoritas kasus tersebut tidak sampai mengancam nyawa. Dalam 80% kasusnya menunjukan gejala ringan, namun dalam 20% kasus yang terjadi penyakit ini dapat menunjukkan gejala lain yang lebih serius yang bahkan dapat berkembang menjadi infeksi radang paru-paru (pneumonia) yang mana orang tersebut harus di rawat di rumah sakit dan dipasang ventilator, dan sisanya, sekitar ~1-2% kasus yang terjadi menyebabkan kematian.
Namun dari presentase tersebut untuk umur yang lebih muda rasionya lebih rendah dibanding umur yang lebih tua dan umur yang lebih tua inilah yang rentan terinfeksi virus ini.
Seseorang yang memiliki riwayat penyakit kronis sebelumnya juga rentan terhadap penyakit ini.
Penularan dari virus ini pula sangat menular dibanding dengan flu biasa dan hanya dengan batuk dan bersin di dekat orang lain, orang-orang tersebut terinfeksi virus Korona tersebut. Hal ini juga sama dengan menyentuh permukaan benda dimana virus tersebut masih hidup kemudian tanganmu menyentuh mata, hidung ataupun mulutmu. Setelah terinfeksi, kamu akan merasakan sakit antara 5-6 hari kemudian beberapa gejala akan muncul. Dalam jangka waktu tersebut, kemungkinan besarnya kamu sudah menyebarkan virus tersebut ke orang lain, meskpun kamu merasa kondisimu sedang sehat, dan penyebaran ini yang berbahaya.
ilustrasi seseorang yang terinfeksi hingga muncul gejala - Why fighting the coronavirus depends on you by Vox
Itulah mengapa virus ini menyebar sangat cepat dan efektif ke seluruh dunia, dan dengan maraknya wabah virus inilah mengapa WHO mengkategorikan virus ini, penyakit Covid-19 ini menjadi sebuah pandemi.
Penyebaran wabah virus ini sudah tidak dapat lagi menjadi sesuatu yang dapat dibendung dan dihentikan begitu saja, namun kita dapat memperlambat percepatan penyebarannya, dengan bertindak sekarang juga, dan itu tergantung dari kita sebagai individual.
Bagaimana Virus Saat Ini Tersebar?
Penyebaran virus ini memang sangatlah sudah berbahaya. Sistem kesehatan medis akan kewalahan ketika semua orang jatuh sakit dalam satu waktu. Kapasitas untuk merawat pasien-pasien ini pada semua rumah sakit bergantung seberapa banyaknya persediaan ranjang yang dimiliki.
ilustrasi bagaimana satu orang dapat menginfeksi 9 orang lainnya di dalam bus tersebut
Anggap saja di rumah sakit umum daerah di kota mu hanya ada 10 ranjang. Beberapa ranjang sudah ditempati oleh beberapa pasien sebelumnya seperti pasien kecelakaan, operasi atau stroke. Kemudian bayangkan ada salah satu orang (dengan sebutan X) yang sehat pergi beraktifitas seperti biasanya. Si X ini pergi jalan, ke sebuah acara dengan naik angkot, kemudian sampai di acara tersebut, si X ini terjangkit virus corona tersebut dari seseorang di dalam acara tersebut. Namun si X ini tidak langsung merasa sakit atau muncul gejala-gejala umum Covid-19 ini hingga beberapa kemudian hari.
Kemudian si X ini pergi ke kantor bertemu beberapa orang yang tidak disadari virus tersebut tertular ke beberapa orang tersebut ataupun tempat kerjanya. Beberapa orang ini mungkin hanya menunjukkan gejala ringan seperti bersin ataupun pilek biasa, namun kemungkinan salah satu yang di usia tua ini bergejala parah akan dirawat di rumah sakit. Namun sisa dari beberapa orang tersebut (anggap saja 5 orang dan 1 di usia tuanya yang telah dirawat dirumah sakit) yang telah terinfeksi namun tidak merasakan gejala apapun dan tidak sakit, akan beraktivitas seperti biasanya, naik angkot ke kantor atau ke rumah ibadah dan kemudian akan menginfeksi banyak orang lagi. 20% dari mereka yang tak sadar telah terinfeksi ini akan datang ke rumah sakit dan seiring waktu berjalan, proses penyebarannya pun akan meningkat dan orang-orang berdatangan ke rumah sakit setiap harinya untuk di rawat. Tak lama kemudian, rumah sakit penuh dan krisis pun mulai terjadi. Itulah yang terjadi di Italia, Iran dan Korea Selatan melonjak dari 100 kasus menjadi 5000 kasus dalam 2 minggu. Banyak orang yang meninggal karena banyak yang tidak mendapatkan perawatan medis di rumah sakit.
Pasien-pasien Covid-19 yang dengan kasus sudah parah bahkan tak sempat dapat perawatan dan beberapa yang seharusnya dapat diselamatkan, meninggal dunia. Ditambah lagi dengan beberapa orang lainnya yang memiliki penyakit lainnya juga yang tidak mendapatkan perawatan dan beberapa darinya akan mennggal juga. Dari gelombang lonjakan kasus parah yang meningkat ini disebabkan oleh kematian yang seharusnya dapat dihindari.
Gelombang lonjakan yang terjadi ini membuat kasus-kasus Covid-19 ini menjadi parah, namun keadaan ini terjadi disebabkan oleh orang-orang yang tidak merasa sakit dan menyebarkan virus korona ini ke publik luas yang artinya orang-orang yang seharusnya dapat menghindari angka kematian yang seharusnya tidak terjadi ini, yaitu beberapa orang tersebut (yaitu 5 orang itu), yang artinya, kita semua.
Menekan Jumlah Penularan Virus
Untuk menekan percepatan penularan virus ini, kita harus merasa seakan-akan kita telah terinfeksi virus ini. Dengan menghindari transportasi publik, kantor-kantor, kerumunan orang ramai, pasar, hingga hingga pertemuan sosial yang notabenenya kecil dan tidak banyak, ada kemungkinan kamu membantu kamu dan orang sekitar tertular virus ini dan menularkannya. Ini yang dinamakan “Social Distancing” atau “Jarak Untuk Bersosialisasi”. Virus Korona ini akan tetap menular dan akan tetap ada penularan, namun jika kita semua sanggup untuk melakukannya, penularannya akan lebih lambat. Seiring waktu, banyak orang akan tetap terinfeksi dan kasus yang parah yang muncul di rumah sakit tidak akan banyak setiap harinya. Hal ini tidak akan membuat rumah sakit dan medis kewalahan.
Trendline ini akan menipis dan orang-orang yang terinfeksi ini akan mendapatkan perawatan medis dan mengurangi angka jumlah kematian karena virus korona ini. Dua hal inilah pandemi Covid-19 dapat di “strategi”-kan (aktivitas seperti biasanya vs social distancing). Tetapi untuk menekan jumlah penularan virus ini dengan social distancing hanya dapat terjadi jika semua orang, setiap individunya melakukan hal ini. Itulah mengapa banyak ahli dan official mengkampanyekan untuk mendesak orang-orang untuk “Flatten The Curve” atau “Tekan Rata Kurvanya” dengan melakukan social distancing (jarak bersosialisasi) dan bertahan untuk tetap tinggal dirumah selama mungkin. Itulah juga mengapa pemerintah memberlakukan social distancing ini dengan meliburkan sekolah dan universitas dan juga menyuruh ASN dan PNS untuk bekerja dari rumah. Seperti di DKI Jakarta juga menutup sementara Pantai Ancol, Monas, hingga membatalkan Sholat Jumat di Masjid Istiqlal dan menutup Gedung Gereja di Katedral Jakarta untuk sementara. Tindakan ini memang drastis namun hal semacam ini pernah terjadi sebelumnya dan nyatanya berhasil.
Flatten The Curve Simulation
Pandemi Flu di Amerika
Pada tahun 1918 di Kota Philadelphia dan St. Louis terdampak wabah pandemi flu, namun di dua kota tersebut merespon kejadian ini berbeda. Di kota Philadelphia, dinas kesehatan di kota tersebut mempebolehkan penyelenggaraan pawai besar-besaran sedangkan di kota St. Louis sudah siap sedia sebelumnya dengan meliburkan sekolah-sekolah, menutup teater dan bar di kota tersebut. Hasilnya, rumah sakit di kota Philadelphia kewalahan dan menyebabkan kematian yang tinggi sedangkan di kota St. Louis dapat mencegah angka kematian yang tinggi tersebut.
Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences
Dan, beberapa tahun kemudian, kita menghadapi dua skenario yang sama lagi. Perbedaannya bukanlah apakah dirimu sudah terinfeksi virus korona ini, namun waktu kapan kamu terinfeksinya. Itu bisa juga berarti bagi seseorang yang kamu kenal, yang memberi perbedaan antara hidup dan mati. Bagaimanapun itu kita harus bertindak sekarang juga.
Facing the npm/yarn issues when installing a package on Windows #1
So, I’ve been alot of research back in 2019 and got my head spinning up because I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t install the new js frramework Svelte and i’ve got this error instead
i’m newbie in this world and i don’t know what the hell is wrong with my npm and i was thought npx is seperated module from npm. then i try to find what causes it for days and i found the Svelte channel on discord so i’m straight to make an discord account and ask on support channel and hopefully someone help me. still, the issue’s not gone away ugghhh. i’m still deep down finding the solution but the i realize something from this when using yarn
'C:\Users\Benjamin' is not recognized as an internal or external command,
operable program or batch file.
error Command failed.
Exit code: 1
is this issue has related with my user path? because my username is containing aa white space “Benjami Scott”. then i found one issue on npx github repo with the same issue. then i found the solution to this issue, and apparently white space on your username folder cause this error haappened.
1. go to your users folder (mine is in “C;\Users” ) then run cmd from there (on address bar on file explorer, click that and type cmd)
2. then type “dir /x” without double quote. it will show the lists like this
find your username there, mine is Benjamin Scott and my tilde short name is BENJAM~1.
3. then type this on cmd
for npm:
npm config set cache "C:\Users\BENJAM~1\AppData\Roaming\npm-cache" --global
for yarn
do it for npm first, then
yarn config set cache-folder "C:\Users\BENJAM~1\AppData\Local\Yarn\Cache\v6" --global
then
yarn config set cache "C:\Users\BENJAM~1\AppData\Local\Yarn\Cache\v6" --global
then
yarn config set prefix C:\Users\BENJAM~1\AppData\Local\Yarn\Cache\v6 --global
of course you should change that BENJAM~1 to your own tilde name on 2nd step you just did.
4. restart your computer then try to install your node package again, and now it will work.
you can check out the issue here and here for yarn
for future fix that i’ve found, i’ll writte on this tumblr blog.
I don't know how I feel about this one. Today I was listening to Dewi "Dee" Lestari - Malaikat Juga Tahu (Angel Also Know) and then I play on YouTube and found the original video. I forgot that in the past, I always saw that and before I knew I'm on the autism spectrum, I always thought that "When he meltdown, I can relate to that, it's happening to me too.". Now, it's feel so sad because now it's just too make sense. I'm a bit overloaded now I just need to control my feeling before it's getting worse 'cause the reason I force to hide it is too hide my weakness, I always afraid if I'm gonna meltdown, I just don't want to show it to people even though the consequence is not healthy at all, like part of my hair will be turn white, my head hurt so bad, and my heart pump too fast etc my health feels decreased.
I've been researching something like that since, probably 6 y/o (yeah I know it's not impossible, well I never tell anyone back then because I'm so afraid, this afraid-ness that save me alot, even it's not okay at all). "Why wouldn't you tell your parent?", I would, but they don't understand they will think I've been possessed by demon or something like that, they even don't know what mental health is or autism, I just can't I'm not ready yet. That's why I always try to seek a help to help me understand about my condition, but 'till now, there isn't.
When I scroll down to the comments section, I always saw "kids with special need", I always thought "Do I deserve this 'special need'? in the future if I got this 'help' by people?" looks like everything is normal but actually isn't, there's a process, brutal process that I've been fought, analyzing the complexity, etc, it's not something normal human usually do. It just always feel "Do I deserve it?". I always feel maybe I'm not, I'm not an autistic, or any kind of mental disorder that make me struggle since I was a kid. Maybe I'm just an alien come from nowhere. I even didn't feel myself. I'm crying out of it begging someone to understand. I don't know.
In my country itself, they treat someone like me, undiagnosed, unaware, terribly ignorance because I’m not a kid. Doctor even doesn't help, or any kind of "professional help". So, that's why I always tried so hard to prove this. Doing research, saw peoples with same condition experience, how why what, gathering data, tests, alot of test. etc.
By the results of researching with no tired and testing everything (my behavior, review it, etc), I'm assume that I have a mildly autism spectrum disorder (Mild Asperger's) with no sensory problem (but just 80%, 20% looks like I have sensory problem). I also have Social Anxiety Disorder but it's still doubly since the observation and analyzing everything, only got 34% out of it. This is the back-report I've been working on since there was a video popped-out about Asperger's while exploring about introvert 'cause I know it feels more than that. Maybe I’m not autistic enough to people they refuse to believe it.
But it feels like it’s worthless. I don't know, inside I'm just too scared. How my life is going will be after graduation, that's the biggest concern I've been facing currently because my life environment I set up as always be a "student", I don't know after that, change is the scariest thing I couldn't control it. I may seems okay, but I'm not.
I feel so overwhelmed today. I think this is another bad day happened but is just another story. I'm facing the rollercoaster emotion in one day and as usual nobody cares about because I'm so good at hide it. My head really feels so uncomfortable, I can't sleep well, there's so much activity going on in my head because I'm so worried about everything, what I will facing tomorrow, what should and shouldn't I do tomorrow, and how will I cope it. I'm just, overthinking and analyze everything. My mom just doesn't know about it and she just commenting while I'm in war and that's makes me adding more war into my head. I'm dealing it, as usual, alone, and with the tactics I usually practice but it's temporary solution for all of this. I think my anxiety just ruined me so well. Beside of my anxiety above I couldn't sleep, my younger cousins is on my room and just play with his phone and my sister. They're too loud. I know it's childs but I couldn't, I hear everything, plus, I need my room. Sure I just can told them or whatever, but I couldn't, It's complicated than you thought.
Now, about 5 hour ago, I've finished my photoshop project using someone's images from the instagram (the same person I make a vector using his photo, just call it "Craig"), well, I tried to dm him, as usual, asking about his permission to post this because I'm using his photos. It took me an hour to think about the words and decide wheter or not I'll send this to him but in the end, I send it.
Back again, then when I try to sleep again, it just make my head more worse. Then I decided to eat fried noodle mixed with egg (my sister made it) and after that, I take the medication (sanmol) to reduce this pain. But still, it doesn't make me sleep well, the pain just continue, even though it's reducing slowly, but I'm facing the rollercoaster emotion as I said earlier. To be mention, I don't sleep, I hear every conversation in the living room. Then, when about 18:24 o’clock, everyone yelled at me to wake up (I even didn’t sleep!) and my head still hurt but not really bad but I’m still got rollercoaster emotion.
And here we go, Craig was replied my dm and said “if you not market it”, and my brain respond awefully. I just, frooze, it’s confusing, and then I’m blame myself, and I know where it will go, so I try to make a distraction as usual (if this time is controllable, but thank God it is) and I’ve got sweat on my hand and my feet, then my head start headache again. But, I finally managed it. Just close my eyes for a little bit, breathe, and think about the space, universe, and everything from the upside world as I imagine this since I was a kid (another way to cope it from a long time ago and didn’t know that I have an aspergers). All sort it out but my head still a little bit hurt. I have no brave to reply Craig’s dm, it just make my feel worse but I replied it anyway. I don’t know, maybe if I want to do my “artwork” things again, I will use celebrity’s photos instead random people I’ve been found. It’s alot things to get process and you know, aspie is terrible at processing things, or maybe it just me as the weirdo. I don’t know.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
That's my feeling tonight, I've been in my own war for my whole life. I'm able to survive 'till this day, but behind on that, it's not. Actually, I'm unable to fight this war alone, I need help, but, none of them that really can hear me. I already gave the signal to them, the soft-code one and the hard-code one. Thought they didn't respond. I should known better, long time ago, that I need to fight this war alone, that no one will able to volunteer to reach me. I don't know, this sounds too dramatic. But I couldn't denied it, it's the truth.
In the meantime, the older I am, the war just going harder and harder. I'm still thinking about my strategies, what I will gonna do, what's the plan, what's the action, can I verified that, etc. I was going to run the Last-Tune Red Protocol, I was thinking, that maybe all this time, they will understand, but the sign came in and give me the opposite result that I was hoping it before. The statistic is always right. I'm back to the Empty Plan, where I don't know how to do else, because my strategy before is already down. The statistic gave me the result, the same result over and over again everytime I try the same last protocol. No, it didn't work.
My plan next is trying to find and collect informations in this short time as many as I can. How to get proper diagnosis, how to meet the doctor, have information about this, and finally, get proper help. But I think, it's impossible things to do.
Everytime I look the video about "Does this makes my Asperger's big?", it's make me sad because how unlucky I am and always thought 'yeah u lucky because you have proper education system, etc everything is good, but have you look at me, us that struggle with this war by my own? we don't want this but God made us do have this.'
There's a lot things going on in my head right now that i really want to write in here, but i don't know where to start. So, probably when i know where to start, i will start to make a new post every time i can let this 'things' on my mind out of my head. From my unsuccessful scholarship, my bad weekend on semester exams, some small job, trying to find right job for holiday, try to really coping my aspie (seriously, i don't know how to coping it anymore!), and probably last, my programming skill still sucks!, i really need to learn more but it takes times while people push me harder to make it faster as it could be, while it's not hella happened in a logic way, come on!.
So, right now, it will be short post until my head under clear on bugs. Mixed feelings is also happening tonight, from sad, very sad, a bit happy, and feeling 'i don't know, someone help me!', it's nice if i have a friend, at least, that really can understand, open minded and having feeling care like most human used to have.
I really under overwhelming tonight, hope somebody willing to help me.
Have you ever feel really, really down for the life and feels like when you need a 'favour' to your 'acquaintance' aka friends (which I don't really have much, I'll explain in 'acquaintance' article), my friends parent (just acquaintance), and teacher that you know and was close (and now, meh, not really I guess) because you're afraid and feel 'not good' or 'feel bad' that you will own them because they 'helped' you? and then now you feel fucked up because it's too much conflicted in your head that you cannot stop it. Yeah, me, all those things. Apparently, it's been happening now when I try to working on my survey about autism. Reasons why I'm taking this subject one of them is because I wanna heard what they thought about this, because the reality is apparently people barely know about this and just give a shit about it.
My schedule is so fucked up right now I'm barely can think right now. My phone is also not working but tomorrow I'll plan for fixing this shit. I couldn't organize my schedule any more, but I try though to reorganize it.
Did you remember the LaLaLand movie? the scene where Mia make her own one-moment show?. Look at the audience, that's my 'acquaintance' and me as Mia currently. I'm doing big thing in my head, I let it out, I try to express it and let people know that 'I can do that', like people said, 'dream big' and 'dream the impossible'. Apparently, the reality is speak the opposite. It was, sad, broken, and feel embarrassed to myself. Yeah, i just need to grown up.
No one knows the feels to be a young adult with asperger's or ASD with the big dream that was impossible to be true. Yeah, I'm a dreamer since I was kid, and that was painful. Ever one person to believe me? it's like you ask 'good morning' when in night to people.
If just I can found someone who same mind as me, appreciate me and believe me as I do with them, it would be nice. Everyone is nice, everyone is kind, everyone is cared, but none of you is nice enough, kind enough, cared enough.
Either I will change my survey subject or not, I will decide that tomorrow. Since I don't have a choice and losing all my hope, last road is make a new survey and take the new subject, which is now I think is about how satisfied they are (my customers) about my top-up business which is barely people even know it, that's why I will faking it all the data.
This is like a nightmare. I don't know why I wrote this, though people not interest to read it either. Gosh.
This is just a short post. Probably, i will write or record anything that i remember from what happened in the past. Because it's just feels like nothing happen while i'm trying to cope it and affect people i contacted to. It's also a backup plan if someday i really take my 'one way ticket' plan that i've been working on a few years ago to go. It is nothing and stupid, but i need to stop it. I can't always fake like it never happen and i couldn't keep these stuff on my head forever, it kills me. So, if LJ block me for it, there's another services like secret email with scheduling time to publish or sent to specific persons. Some of them ofc cared, but none of them cared enough. Beside, world doesn't necessary need me anyway. The world does have it already more than i am. I don't want it, but they make me, and i decided it. Let's see the progress soon.
So yeah, common typical. I always talk about myself, isn't it? it's all about me. I realized that. Because right now i feel so sleepy, i'll write this shortly as possible.
It's time to drop the mic, yeah, i make peoples, and my friends especially, too much disappointed. I always talking about my problems, about everything i want to spread it out, 'egoistly' (sorry English speaker, i speak Englonesian to be honest). And um, conversation must be on both sides, not only about one side. Yeah, i realized that. Sometimes i can't control of that. That's my very truly habit i have i couldn't change it.
Also, usually and mostly, the conversation is going pretty good and talking about some topics until some topics that both sides talking about is near a finish line. And that conversation is mostly replied in that time, like, a is giving a topic, then b will take action which is thinking and then replying in that time, about 3-7 minutes, the longest is 145 minutes. Either the conversation will keep going or going near to end, depend on a reaction when b replied, it's also depend on b if b interested on that topic. If it's, say 'okay' state, the chance will making the conversation keep going on until one of them found one interesting topic that both sides liked. But, there's another state where the conversation going dawn somehow, even in that 'okay' state.
I've been learning 'being normal' for my whole life so i can hide my two ass huge secret (i will write this in secret notepad soon). My environment doesn't like 'weird' things, that's why my childhood is so pathetic, and easily bullied. Since i was young, i always try to adapt and align with peoples around me, try to learn what they're doing, how they speak, and act like them then I try to test whether it's applicable to me or not. Also, i learn their habits so it will be more helpful to me to replicate them, the normal people.
Since i don't have emotion, i learn from them. When i found their crying, i'll try to replicate them, but this is easy to me because mostly i cried frequently. When i found their confused, lazy, surprised, mad, i'll try to replicate them too and so on. Doesn't mean i don't have empathy, ofc i have, but i'm confused all the times. And my 'problem' is buried down on my imagination and lived 'almost' normally. I'll talk about this in my next post.
I'm still confused all the time, about peoples feeling, what they're thinking, and etc. I'm dumb, okay, the dumbest person ever existed. Before the conversation started, i always planned all the possibility topics that i will talking about to. But, this ain't going well.
I always late reply, my next reply will be about some weeks or probably months, and same happening with next reply. I try to reply ASAP, but i couldn't. There's so many tasks to do happening and i try to reorganize the tasks so i can working on it. Honestly, there's a lot, like, LOT. And i'm bad at this, sequence things and doing things in the same time, it's a hella hard. That's why i try to do a task by the priority and number of input, even they're priority are in the same, or same input number, i try to re-managing it.
So, here it is. My apologize for everyone has been infected by my late reply, especially my internet fellow, Dave. I know he also has some issue (i try to not hurts his feeling), he is the most infected by my late reply. I should make him feels good and happy or something that positive, but instead i just complaining about myself, gosh. My special apology for him.
I try to learn more being normally than before, and i try to hide everything of me so people won't be bothered about my weird side of me. I trying to. And less making new friends and talking to people. Or interacting with it. Or i just wish there's a on/off button then i can turn off myself so i'm not embarrassed myself. Gosh
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I'm more like write stuff in tumblr and my own blog platform i made but since the stupid government blocked the access, now i'm back here. There's a lot things happened so fast and the more days i've been through, the more crueler world can be. Despite for that, there's a lot hidden "chest" that i've been keep it away from myself (i have no idea how can i do this in the past). Those things come up in my head and trying to like explain everything what happened to me exactly and why am i like this. That days what popped up in my head called "The Damage Has Been Done". It's more painful than i thought.
I only knew that i was a shitty introvert and useless garbage person that ever exist in this planet (still currently). But, i've been more researching about it, turns out it's make all sense now. I, probably, am an autistic. I have Asperger's. I was self-diagnosed because from what happened through my life and what i've been studied by myself is commonly makes sense. It's not official diagnosed yet but either way how could possibly make it official while there's no help out there. Psychology, Autism care or etc is not exist in here. If i'm going to psychologist, then the diagnosed is between "you're just acting up. it's normal" or "you're crazy, go to asylum" or even more worst "you're the devil, you're full-of-sin". Maybe it's still 'probably' but i already knew what's going on around this city, or even this country. No wonder why this country is step back than other countries.
I love my country, but if the people were harms me, unpleasant, bullying or etc to me, i can't even stand anymore. It's hurts so deep. I don't have emotion but crying is the most i ever doing in my life. Happiness mean become crazy shit.
When you turn to 20-ish or up, there's even more worst than before. A life, job, wife, responsibility, change, and more. Maybe it's normal to them but for me it's not. It's so overwhelmed i'm barely even can think. I don't like change, but i taught myself to do a change a little, unfortunately, it is more harder than i think. Being autistic in here is more difficult. I'm unnormal, but people keep pushing me to be like more 'normal average' person. It is hard, i only follow what they told me. I've been slave for my whole life in my own life.
I like computer and space stuff. When i was kid, i remember the eclipse on science class is my interested. Then my cousin have computer when i was there, i was so excited about it. I'm exploring and everytime i'm going his house, the first thing i want to do is turning on the computer rather than join my cousin play his console with him. I was often more go my cousin house rather stay in my house because the computer. I'm studying about a lot, and get excited everytime i near the computer. But in that time, is when i still in elementary school, when bullying was started.
There's a lot story i want to write because i don't have someone to tell my story, they're never listen. I have friends but i feel i don't have it. All i need is they want to understand a little, but even tho i tried with some of my friends, they still don't. I don't know i just need to process and recreate new thing to do to align with this happening currently. Or simple, all i need is just disappear and people won't remember me at all. There's still a lot things to think.
Thanks for passing by even this will make your time useless af to read. It's been a while since the last time I make a contact with you and if you haven't know about my personality yet, I'm introvert but more worse than you ever imagine or you know. So, first of all, let me get this word out of my mind for a months. I'm so sorry. I'm a bad person in the world and internet you've ever meet online and maybe you regret why you meet a person like this. It's my fault, completely. I don't want to make another excuse to make you forgive me.
As introvert (but worse), the one thing peoples may hate is always late reply. You can find the video about it on YouTube or Vimeo or wherever you like with the keyword "Introvert animated" (also about depressed but happy outside). If you have watch that, I hope you can understand what it feels like. But if you don't, it's okay I can understand it.
My social experience is the worst skill I ever have. I can't be around in crowd, even worse when I'm in the crowd with nobody I can recognize. I'm weak af. But it's a sad story that I won't to tell you because it's too pathetic and I know you also have an issue higher than me. I'm too awkward to talking about something and I drain my brain too much to think about something that not awkward and maybe fit in conversation. To be honest, I just hope that I don't screwed it all up.
I'm not even the native english speaker and I sometime put the wrong grammar or all that I said is wrong so you maybe don't understand what I tried to say. I just an lowly Indonesian like other people says. I have a bad experience life that maybe not painful as you have been. Now I care what they all says.
I don't want to make this pathetic post longest that make you sleepy. All I want to say is you are amazing person I ever meet online. You have patience on me even though it's sounds ridiculous a person like me exist. I've been through tough times, my depression has come up but it calmed down even my peoples didn't notice it all this, or just don't give a shit about it. I'm not a good person that you ever thinking, all I'm doing is just to be nice so I'm not let you down, but now I didn't do that. I'm just a worst human. I'm so sorry to not reply or even make a contact with you for a months. I just died and alive again but in every angles that peoples hates. I always reply when my mood is in good but as in common it's ridiculous, chat is aways need to respond ASAP. I always try to be that person but it fails every time.
For Dave, I know you have an issue too that maybe you think I didn't notice it (but I did) and I'm sorry I always telling a garbage storys about my life that even not important to listen (or read). I hope you get better and always happy in your life. Also hope you'll be a successful writer after you're graduation. I put a hope in that. I'm sorry I'm not finish reading all your stuff. You've been an amazing person even I write this maybe seems ridiculous. But all I can say is this. I'm so sorry.
For Omer, I know you've been busy with your school to go to your dream college and I'm proud of you with that. You've been working so hard to make your dream comes true and I'm glad you still believe in that. I hope I didn't bother you and you such a good mate to me. Thanks to be really nice to me. Hope you'll be an amazing architect (if I'm not wrong remember it, sorry) as you wish. I'm so sorry.
Thanks to be a person that want to spend a time talking with this, a random person on the internet with weird and some un-normal stuff that never happened in your life before. Sorry.
A Snail Mail (and chat)
Fahmi
(Or in English word is John, I think)
Personally, I want to send an email but I don't know the addresses so wrote in here.
It's been a long months I've been through. I even have a chance to write in here (also LJ has blocked me before). I don't know for sure why I always optimist with my dream, what I want to be, but while there's so many sign that world better without me. It's too pain to think even to feel about. (Update: I already forget it and move on, kill 'em all, bang, kill my own dream that I build since I kid).
Now, we're talking about, my work. I'm working at "Internet Cafe" (it doesn't mean the place is serving coffee, nah no. It just serve, a bunch of computer, a printer, and of course, an Internet connection, with wired connection not with, wi-fi, you don't get it here even you begging and crying here). So, yeah, "how's your work?" Uhhmm.... it's, not terrible though, it just, horrible on it's own way (you get it, right? nope? whatev no one read it also lol).
Here's back, since I'm an introvert and try so hard to adaptation on my new environment. Guess what? it didn't work. I tried to communicate with the supervisor too (and bunch of another person) and, it didn't work either.
It's been a 3 month I've been through and thank God I'm still survive. Now, my main vision in here is, SURVIVING. Since I'm in college, I need money to keep my wallet from "a loneliness". College is super expensive even though I only take Diploma 3 (D3), and it was the cheapest class in there (and the since I've been through the 1st semester, it was horrible. It's sucks, on it's own way).
Fun fact is, in this third month since I've been working here, I'm not getting paid, yet. I know I always late, not working properly, well at least they give me a signal. But I keep my mind, I need to be patient because, this IC (scroll up you lazy) business is, my own family, my uncle actually, from far far family.
Some supervisor (and some employees, or all of them) seems like don't like me so much, but they're only pretending (and I know some another person feel, I can read it). The most "quite haters" I have is, the mans. Yeah, I prefer get knowing and near to girls employee than, the mans. Why? I'm not trying to "prefering than" (but sort of, I am), I just "not match" with the mans habits here. The girls employee in here (maybe) understand that I'm shy, kind of introvert (reality, yes I am), and open whenever I need.
There was one man (I prefer called him boy, but it's not his name, just a kind, also looks like he under 23 I think), I (almost) approach him, get to known him, and so on (whateve socialization do). Not fully but at least I feel he open to me (well, maybe all of them, on it's extrovert way). He was my mentor when I get "suddenly" training for full time (normally, I'm working part time, 5 hours only, because I'm in college) on small IC, the place isn't big like the other's branch but at least it's quiet. It;s on 2nd month I got put on there and the training was only, one day (wtf?). It's more painfully because, I'm working at 4 PM (could be less) 'till 12 AM (could be 1 AM or more) and the morning I woke up I need to go to school, like, I only on home is for sleeping, nothing, else (beside using my toilet, and drink some water). But fun fact is, I'm not close enough to him. So, I just think he's nice. And that's it.
So, it's been almost 4 month (it just a week more) and I will see if I'm getting paid, then I try to SURVIVING MORE ('cause my parents want to, and they want a physic job and getting paid, without waiting, waiting like selling something or doing something what I actually need to do, that's why I killed my dreams), if else, then I can try to open my service for digital designing, like invitation card, brochure, business card, etc. But I HOPE, I got freelance job more often so I can SURVIVE.
So let's see if there's any future improvement. Honestly, I'm too tired. I'm not happy because I've been live by others people control. But, I lived in closed-mind environment so, yeah. Just tryin' to SURVIVE, if I can.
