I am an Onion

Tim, bleeding out* : big oof…

Jason, also bleeding out : You good bro ?

Tim : i don’t know ????

Jason : It do be like that, huh ?

Bruce : … .

Bruce : I just… I just wanted somewhat normal children

Damian : Father, I believe that ship sailed a long time ago.

paypal.me/MariaTheresa03

Dick: For Pluto to be a planet again...

Discounting TV series and documentaries, Adam Sandler has appeared in 64 films. If we assume that the average length of an Adam Sandler film is 90 minutes, that gives us approximately 5,760 minutes of Adam Sandler movie. A blank VHS tape can typically record up to 120 minutes of film, or 1.33 Adam Sandler movies per tape. That works out to be about 48 VHS tapes.

Blank VHS tapes seem to vary pretty dramatically in price. $10 for 10 tapes seems like one of the most affordable options, but the quality is probably pretty poor. This seller may or may not have multiple 10 packs available—for convenience, let’s assume they do. You’d have to buy 5 packs at $10 apiece and have two VHS tapes left over (which you can use for the documentaries). Shipping is less certain; buying in bulk often means you get free shipping, but there are no guarantees from a private seller. Again for convenience, let’s assume free shipping. You’re now at $50. Now you need the movies themselves. Because Adam Sandler has been in recent movies that were never released on VHS, it would not be physically possible to buy commercially released VHS tapes for each film—even if it were, for some godforsaken reason, they’re relatively expensive. If you were to find every Adam Sandler movie on VHS for sale on eBay and won the bidding at $3.25 each, you’d be paying $208 before taxes and shipping.

Obviously you’re not going to buy the movies. If neither you nor your friend don’t know how to pirate movies, find a college student who looks smart and offer them a $30 bribe to help you.

Now that you have the VHS tapes and the Adam Sandler movies, you have to convert the digital files to VHS. To do this, you will need a converter cable and a VHS player/recorder. HDMI to RCA converters are available on Amazon for around $15, while I see plenty of VHS players on eBay for between $20 and $50.

So, assuming you do not have a working VHS recorder and a converter cable just lying around, you’re looking at a minimum of $85 IF you can get free shipping on a $20 VHS recorder and a $15 converter (or pick up in store). Sales taxes vary widely, so assuming a 7% tax, add $5.95 for a total of $90.95. Divided equally between the two of you, that’s a minimum of $45.48 each, but if you bribe the college student you can add another $15, and end up spending $60.48 apiece on a gag gift for your band teacher.

Officer Grayson: No, not really.

Jason Todd: Absolutely. Best friends.