Silli___Lilli

“They said you’re well. Leaving soon.” Price sat across from Simon at a small table in the cafeteria on a lower floor of the hospital.

The man had been around, Simon felt guilty for feeling so alone, knowing there was at least one person that cared for him.

“If things stay steady.” He sipped his tea, he looked out the window, and he wished to be back in his room. With Johnny.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.” Price had half a smile when Simon looked back at him and the accusation wasn’t unkind. And it wasn’t unknowing.

“How could you tell?”

“It’s my job to tell.” He shook his head. “It happened here? You were always a magnet for horrible coincidences.”

“I’ll do you one better.” Simon never looked back at his captain. “He’s back in my room right now. We were bunked together.”

--

Johnny still couldn’t see. Not fully. A bit of light recognition had found him and hope carried him in the form of Simon’s words. That he could see. That the injury to his eyes must not be permanent, must not be a scar. But the science wasn’t perfect and when he was alone he wavered.

And he knew Simon was leaving soon. Simon never said it but he heard the nurses and doctors speaking to him about his future plans. He was healed. He would go home soon, and then to rehab, and then back to work and Johnny would just lay there, by Simon’s window alone.

He’d been a mess of emotion in the days after their bond was revealed. He couldn’t hold it against Simon for keeping it secret, he thought he probably would have done the same. And it gave him great insight into the man he couldn’t yet see.

They spoke a lot. Johnny marveled at how his voice began to sound different with use. How it held a warmth with him that he hadn’t heard when he spoke to others. Johnny knew Simon’s CO had come to visit him that day and that he met him downstairs rather than rub it in Johnny’s face. It made him sad. He would have liked to meet someone else that knew him.

He could hear Simon walking down the hall a long time before he reached the room. His gait wasn’t perfectly even, and especially light from years of covert work, but it was familiar to him. It made him feel safe. His life as he knew it was over but he felt anchored to the other man. He felt a possibility of something more. He turned to face him as he entered, and Simon didn’t bother stopping on his side of the room. He came to Johnny’s, taking his usual place in the chair beside his bed. It had remained empty of visitors, but he took it easily.

“How was it?” He asked.

He swore he heard Simon shrug. “Fine. As to be expected.”

“He has work for you?”

Simon chuckled. Johnny found he’d like to bottle the sound for later. “He won’t tell me anything until I get a medical all clear.” He cleared his throat. “And a psych eval.”

Johnny laid his head back against his pillows. That meant he’d told his Captain about the bond. Anyone who wanted to fight with a soulbond had to be assessed separately, to determine if they could properly focus, if they could continue to make decisions that benefited the team as a whole.

“Ah, I’m sorry.” He breathed. He had managed to ruin Simon’s grand return.

Simon didn’t sigh. He didn’t say anything for a moment, but he stood. Johnny could hear him move closer. Stand at the edge of his bed. “Now why would you apologize for that?”

Johnny shifted, uncomfortable. He could imagine their dynamic if all were well, but he was so weak like that. He wasn’t afraid of Simon, but he felt so much less. “It’s the mark, isn’t it?”

Simon shrugged again, and his hand found Johnny’s arm. Like it had the first night he comforted him. It had become common between them. “Sure, but the mark isn’t your fault, John. It just is what it is.”

Johnny groaned again and pressed his hands to his eyes. He knew it was a bad habit but damnit he wished he could see. “When?”

Simon loosened his grip, running his hand up Johnny’s arm. “When what?”

“When do you leave?”

Simon let go of him, walking toward the window. Making Johnny’s stomach drop against all his preparedness. “I’ve been meaning to talk with you about that.”

Johnny was better, his body healed. The scars he’d left on Simon were no longer loud and achy. And he was amazed by how the man had gone from not wanting to chat to wanting to know everything about him. They’d both found the prospect of a mate to be terrifying, that they were the wrong men and the wrong souls to burden another and the universe had seen that truth as an opportunity. Johnny had learned little of Simon’s past, only that he had been through some truly horrible things, losses, and that he didn’t like being seen.

He supposed that was why they had connected at all. That inhibition was meaningless to eyes that couldn’t see. And he supposed Simon would go back to his life, that Johnny would become one of the marks on his to-do list until he could function. He could imagine the man coming to see him a couple of times a week, smelling like winter and the city and bringing him something he missed from the outside. It didn’t feel like enough.

He cleared his throat. “Okay.”

Simon stayed facing the window. Johnny could hear the path of his voice off the glass and the wall and indirectly to his ears. “I’d like to take you with me.”

Simon knew it was quite a proposition. He had lived alone his entire life, even when sharing his home. Even as a child, with his family, he had been isolated. Ostracized. He liked working with a team, but Johnny was the first person he wanted close. It was under his skin.

He turned and looked at him. He knew Johnny knew he was watching him. He dropped his shoulders, his unseeing eyes widened a bit and Simon felt he might have misjudged things. He was deathly afraid of rejection, but they had only gotten closer. He swallowed. That didn’t change that he was never going to force anything on him. Especially not when he felt so vulnerable.

“Simon, that wouldn’t make any sense.” Johnny sounded like he was trying to be logical.

He turned to face him. “Why’s that?”

“I…” Johnny half-laughed, the forced smile crinkling the corners of his blue eyes. “I’m like a child. I need everything done for me.”

“That’s not true.” Simon said, softly. He knew Johnny was perfectly capable, but he wanted to help him.

“You would have to pick my clothes, make my meals. Anything I needed to go out for, I can’t drive. I can’t walk to the train. I can barely do anything.”

Simon watched him carefully. The wheels in his mind turning, but his shoulders lowered, already defeated. He knew the feeling, he knew what it was like to be less than, to be impatient with yourself and a process you couldn’t rush. But he also knew him to be resilient, he’d noticed that about him in the very beginning, weeks before, and he knew him to be kind and incredibly intelligent. He was the missing broken piece of Simon, he fit his jagged edges perfectly and if Johnny could be his warmth and gentleness and patience, then Simon could be his eyes.

“It’s such a small price, Johnny. You think I can’t handle picking your clothes? Cooking for you?”

“No, I know you can.” Johnny mumbled.

“You could stay here, longer than you need to, alone. Or you could go back up to Glasgow and stay with your family, hours from the doctors you need to see and with no privacy. Or you can stay with me. Here in the city. Close to your appointments and anything else you might need.” Johnny’s eyes just searched, he looked distraught by the idea of any of the options. “You need to be out walking, getting some fresh air. You need space to take care of yourself. You need a bed that fits.” Simon motioned to the hospital bed. Johnny wasn’t as large as Simon but large enough to be uncomfortable. “You need a real meal.”

“I’m aware of what I need.” He turned his face toward Simon. “But I can wait. Until my sight is back. Then we can talk about living arrangements.”

Simon walked closer to him, not touching him. Not begging. Yet. “I don’t think this is good enough for you. I want you with me.”

Johnny laid his head back. “You’re going to leave.”

He shook his head. “Not for a long time. I have months of rehab still, and even then I can tell Price doesn’t want to send me out. Maybe I lead remotely for a while, I don’t know.” Maybe I retire. The thought surprised him and he swallowed.

Johnny would go back to work, too, eventually. He wanted to, anyway. “What if my sight never comes back?”

He was waiting for that. He knew Johnny thought it would be temporary, Simon caring for him. That it must be the reason the older man would ask. But he didn’t need Johnny’s eyes to feel he had all of him.

“What if?”

Johnny ran his bottom lip through his teeth, frustrated. It was what Simon wanted, really. To get his truth out of him however he could. “A soulmate is supposed to provide. It’s not fair.”

“Losing your eyes is unfair, you’re right.” Simon shook his head. “But you provide more to me than I think you realize. And leaving you here would be so wrong of me, Johnny. They don’t care about you. They don’t know what you need.”

“And you care about me?” Johnny didn’t turn his eyes toward Simon, but they were open, searching again.

“Yes.” Simon said quietly. “I know I’m not the most heartfelt person, I’m not used to feeling close to someone, but the feeling is undeniable….to me. If it’s not for you, Johnny, you must know I would never force you to do anything, that’s not what I’m here for–"

Johnny blinked. It was one of the longer strings of words he’d heard out of the man’s mouth. And he understood. The connection was real, he couldn’t deny it anymore than he could deny his own blindness. It wasn’t just a feeling, it was whole truth. Very nearly tangible, like a scar. And he hadn’t meant to make Simon feel like he was being rejected.

He thought of how gentle he had always been, a hardened, broken, stealth killer of a man and somehow Johnny had been born on the wrong side of his walls. The inside. And he knew Simon was protective of him. He knew he cared. Those weren’t things a man like him could fake. But he didn’t want to become a burden. He didn’t want to have to beg for help, for small kindnesses. He’d always been able to care for himself. To figure it out. He couldn’t imagine forcing that wedge between them so early, it would devastate him.

“You’re not forcing anything, Simon. I know that.” He swallowed. “It’s undeniable to me, too, it’s….it’s science. It’s real. And I want it, you don’t have to worry about that but…but you’ll grow tired of me. It might seem sweet now, to have to lead me around like a lost dog, but it will become a burden.”

“Your eyes will come back, Johnny.” Simon touched him, then, emphasizing his words. “You’re no lost dog. I don’t see it that way.”

“They might not.”

“Fine.” Simon shrugged. “I don’t want to be seen anyway.”

Johnny laid a hand over Simon’s where it rested in its usual place on his arm. His cast was off, his wrist healed, but Simon was still careful with him. “I’d like to see you. I hate that I can’t.”

“You see more than most.” Simon breathed. A painful admission, he could no longer hide.

“Maybe we make it a trial period. Give it a week. See if it’s something you can stand.”

“I think you underestimate my tolerance.” Simon spoke so softly. Johnny wanted to go home with him. He wanted to lie beside him for real. Feel more of him.

It wasn’t something they’d spoken about. Being physical. Neither of them needed it, he supposed, they were cemented in place, that could come when it felt natural. If it did. Plenty of soulmates remained platonic, though it wasn’t something he could imagine.

The thought made him realize they had plenty to talk about. They needed to be alone and he didn’t have much desire to wait.

“I don’t want you just to tolerate me.”

“Trust me, Johnny. I won’t be. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do, believe me. And I don’t pity you. I just want you there. I’d like to sit somewhere comfortable together. I’d like to take you to dinner.”