Useless

She listened intently to his words, his story. When he mentioned baker, she felt herself perk up shamelessly. She did enjoy a man who could cook. “That sounds amazing. I’m gonna have to come in and get a dozen… something. Anything. I probably shouldn’t love sweets as much as I do, especially with the job I have, but I really don’t give a fuck. I love baked goods.” She smirked, biting her bottom lip. 

“Me? Well, I do modeling on Instagram, I do some skating videos on Tiktok… I’m what you would call an online content creator. I also run a very well known Twitch stream as well as an Onlyfans. I do videos and photos of the… sexual variety.” 

She always got slightly nervous telling new people what she did for a living, especially men she was even slightly interested in. Some were fine with it at the beginning and stayed fine with it… others either acted like they were cool with it and then weren’t or just straight up weren’t. She could never really tell how a man would react.

***

“A dozen of whatever you want. What’s a favorite of yours? I’ll make note of it so we have some when you come in. I think baking is the place where I pride myself the most so,” he shrugged but was already thinking of what she might like and what he made best. He nodded along with her words before his eyebrows scrunched together and he looked at her for a moment. “Sorry it’s just...you said a lot of things that I don’t know. As you probably already assumed I’m not great with technology so I think I know what TikTok is, that’s where people make video, right? Twitch? I’m...yeah I’m totally lost there and OnlyFans? Uh I mean since you just described it I’m assuming it’s like....subscriptions? I don’t know, I’ve honestly never heard of it but hey, whatever pays the bills, right?” He shrugged, not totally sure of what it was she did but he figured it wasn’t really his business and if that was something she did then who was he to have an opinion on it? He reached for his drink and took a hefty sip before turning back to her. “Since you do modeling, maybe you could..teach me how to take a decent selfie? Apparently that’s essential for any social media platform.”

“A couple of weeks ago? How long have you had a phone?” Even he knew how to use emojis and he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “You can even use bitmojis which are little versions of yourself. It’s really cool. Mine looks just like me.” He began to pull his phone out as Logan asked his question, “I mean you don’t have to but it’s sorta implied. Like you’re not tied down to it, it’s not a sure thing for her.” He told him as he scrolled through his own phone to get to a bitmoji. “You look hot. Is that what you wanna hear cause I’m bein’ honest.”

***

“Uh just about a year,” he admitted, hoping to be able to change the subject quickly. He had some phones here and there when he got out the first time but this was his first time with a smartphone that he actually paid the bill for. That alone had felt like a big moment. “Bitmojis? Jesus that may take me another year to learn about.” Logan rubbed his hands over his face with a groan. “I need to be more thoughtful about giving out my number but thank you, that is what I want to hear. Makes me feel better.” And it did, he stood up a bit straighter and smoothed out his shirt. “Don’t know when I became such a nervous mess anyway. Maybe I need a drink,” he said and pointed inside the bar. “You want one?”

✴ 

 “Now I know you not talkin’ shit about the Warriors.” Isaac shot back, a smile spreading across his face despite his words. “Alright, alright, I’ll give you that, Ja Morant can ball. That finish over Draymond Green was almost disrespectful.” How long has it been since he had talked to another person about anything other than work? Too long, probably. His social life was abysmal, mostly because he preferred the comfort of his books and the walls of his apartment. This, going out to a bar after a rough day, was the extent of social ability. Work had a way of busying his thoughts to the point where silence was practically the enemy. The only sound that filled his old office was creaking floorboards and the old clock in the corner that made a dull -thunk- whenever the minute-hand moved. Noise was what he needed.

“Somethin’ like that,” He said, gesturing to the mess of paper. with outstretched palms. “I work well in chaotic situations. Probably why I’m a lawyer.” He reached for his Old Fashioned -with extra water because he had to drive- trying to catch a glance at the book cover. “I didn’t take the Watering Hole for a reading nook. Good read?”

****

“I absolutely am. I think the game will speak for itself,” he joked and pointed at the TV. “I’m more of a Lebron fan anyway so I’m just waiting for the Lakers game. And the Knicks game because the fact that we made the playoffs? I’m just glad I’m alive to see it.” Sports had always been a love that was consistent for Logan. Especially growing up close enough to Yankee stadium and having enough experience sneaking into MSG with his friends to catch a glimpse of the Knicks losing. 

“That definitely seems like a good fit, though I imagine consistent chaos can be...exhausting.” Logan supposed he knew a thing or two about chaos but even with some surprises, days inside were a lot of the same things over and over. He had come to rely heavily on routine. Routines felt safe. And that was a lot of what he needed right now. “It helps pass the time during commercials. And I’ve gotten pretty good at reading even with noise around.” He nodded as he glanced back at the book and smiled. “It is.  Baldwin has always been a favorite of mine and I figured it was a good time to revisit.” He pressed his fingertips against the book as if it was something sacred before holding his place and looking up again. “Tell you what, Curry makes his next three, next round is on me.”

☾

Talia’s eyes roamed the table in front of her, the aromatic smells making her sweeth tooth budge through. She was mesmerized by all of the options, taking the piece of bread from him as she took a big bite out of it. Her eyes rolled back with satisfaction and she shook her head, eating the rest of the bread. “No, no, it’s perfect,” she said to him with a mouthful.

Finishing the piece in her mouth, she gave him a thumbs up. “That was great. Can I get a whole loaf ‘round here?” She inquired. She actually wanted to buy a couple of loaves for herself and others.

***

“Perfect? Well now that’s very high praise, you might inflate my ego too much.” He was clearly joking but also clearly touched by the response. His baking was the one thing he took the most pride in, the one thing he felt expressed himself and to have others be receptive was a good feeling. Finally. He felt like he was actually good at something. Maybe even more than good. Not that he’d give himself that much credit. “A loaf? Well, I mean, yeah, yeah absolutely,” he told her, popping up from his chair to go back to the truck where the rest of their stock for the day was. They were only supposed to be out here for another hour. “Have you spent a lot of time at Mama Kay’s? If you haven’t this may be your sign,” he joked, not much of a salesman but he tried. “Just one? We have about uh..six left.”

She smiled at how bashful he was getting and found his shyness kind of cute. “How about the second one? More mysterious that way, don’t you think?” She smiled softly and then walked with him into the bar. Once he got his beer and paid, she dragged him over to a table in the corner and sat down, sliding into the booth with him next to her. 

“So tell me about yourself, Logan. If we are to go on a date, I should at least know more about you, minus the last name. We can do that later.” She winked and then began sipping her dark beer. She noted that he had extremely pretty eyes. Not only were they shaped nicely but they had this beautiful, wise, and kind aspect to them. They were easy to look into.

***

“I’ve always been a fan of a bit of mystery,” he admitted. It was mostly true, though it was convenient for him that he would get more time before he had to tell her his last name. He figured in a time like now people used Google and he was sure that the internet search would bring up his record. Not to mention his case had made some big news in New York. Enough to have made him look like he was no good just at the age of 18. He was careful not to drop his drink as they sat down in the booth and he tried not to get too nervous with how close she was or how much he didn’t entirely mind it. 

“Oh boy, about myself? I..I don’t know how good I am at talking about myself but I’ll try,” he admitted, smiling softly and taking a few sips of his beer so he could think through what information he should give her. “Well...I’m a baker. I work over at Mama Kay’s, have you been? I haven’t been in town very long but I’ve worked there long enough to come to like it here a lot. When I’m not at work I’m...usually at home, or at the park, mostly with a book in my hand or headphones on. I’m a big fan of vinyl records and probably prefer to play a song than actually use my own words for how I feel. I find using the words of others comes more easily,” he admitted, feeling like all of those left him still in a fairly safe zone. “And what about you, hm? Aside from saving a guy like me from embarrassing himself via text, of course.”

Tagging: @reinathane

“Ah, just the person I’ve been waiting to see.” There was no mistaking the smile that spread on Logan’s face when he saw Reina and he was quick in ducking behind into the kitchen for a moment to grab what he had made for her earlier. “Alright what we have here,” he started as he came out from the back with a few cupcakes on a plate, “Are low carb, only like..a pinch of sugar, gluten free and I still somehow managed to actually get flavor in there. It’s like a keto cupcake but..better. Well as good as they can be. I can’t believe I actually baked something like this. No judgement just...try it,” he told her and placed the plate in front of her. “If you like ‘em we’ll put it on the menu and call them “Reina’s Favorite” that name can be workshopped.”

Elle gave him an easy smile, “Then whoever you’re texting should’ve known better.” She noticed his nervousness and wasn’t entirely sure where it stemmed from. Talking about sex with a stranger was an option or having to admit he didn’t know something maybe. As he explained though, Elle nodded. “The thought being that vulnerable in front of someone is practically enough to make you break out in hives?” she offered. The suggestion was maybe more about how she felt about it than him, but it seemed to be in that direction. “It’s a dating app. Its kind of like Grindr, but for everyone?” she explained. Grindr was bit older, she was pretty sure. Although he might not know what that was either. 

***

“Uh..yeah, yeah that kind of captures it.” That and he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to be that close to anyone. Over the years he had come to not like as much about himself in many senses and he felt like he was fighting his way back to a sense of self. He didn’t always feel as present in his body as he could have. He wanted to ask her what Grindr was but he didn’t want to come off as incredibly naive so he just nodded like it made sense and made a note to ask Bowie about it later. He figured they would know, and also be able to explain it to him in a way that didn’t make him feel embarrassed. “Well...this has been extremely educational. Thank you for that,” he joked and put his phone way before holding out his hand. “I’m Logan, by the way. Apologies for..probably too much information.”

“What if this were Hell, this absence of sleep, this poet's desert, this pain of living, this dying of not dying, this anguish of shadows, this passion over death and light.” -- Leopold Sedar Senghor

Sometimes, when I close my eyes hard enough I can see myself in the kitchen of our first apartment. I can smell the rice and fish on the stove. I can hear my mother humming along to the radio. There were some mornings, when she would make coffee, where she thought no one else was awake. So she’d sneak to the window to smoke a cigarette, her eyes closing as she exhaled out towards the fire escape, the sound of New York in the morning greeting her. It wasn’t glamorous and I often wondered if maybe she looked around and wanted more. But then I’d walk into the kitchen and she’d smile as if she had been waiting for me, waving off the smoke with ease because she knew I wouldn’t saying anything. 

These days, I find myself playing her favorite songs as I get ready in the morning. I find myself humming in the same ways, smoking by the window, glancing towards the door as if someone were about to come in and sit at my table. It’s not glamorous either but it makes me happy, makes me feel that subtle contentedness that I imagine she felt looking out at the fire escape. And just as she’d wait by the phone to hear from my grandmother, I now sit at the phone and wait for her call, listen to her recipe tips, do my best to convince her to come visit. 

I think of how it’ll be. To cook breakfast for her and my dad. To have my sister laugh at the way I’ve barely decorated and all but drag me to a store to buy more furniture. I smile to myself as I daydream about what it’ll mean to look into my parents eyes and not have them worry for the first time in a long time. To trust that this time, I’ll be okay. 

Until then, all I can do is pray that I’ll actually get there. 

“And I understand now, maybe not completely, but more, that in times of overwhelming joy, immobile sadness, hysterical laughter, absolute fear, and sometimes just perfect quiet there is Life. Real Life. And it really is that simple. I take my gift now. I go live.” ― Dito Montiel, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints

♦

“No.” She said, rolling her eyes playfully at him. “Marriage sounds like it’s own kind of hell. But I’d make an exception for you, mi amor.” Cat slid into her seat and watched him as he got her order together. She smirked and shook her head at him, wasting no time to dig into her treat. “You’re lucky you can bake.” She joked. She had almost forgotten about Memorial Day. She didn’t exactly celebrate it in her childhood, nor did she know what it was actually for. “A boat? You have friends with boats?” Cat scoffed. “I need a better class of friends.”

****

“Would you? Well now I’d might have to reconsider. I would look...stellar in a tux.” Logan’s smiled turned up a little more before he laughed, wondering if he’d ever actually be there some day. He figured he wouldn’t but that didn’t mean he didn’t want it. “I have a friend with a boat. And I’m pretty sure it fits like..four people so, it’s not going to be a rager but it should be very chill. Which is exactly what I love. Oh I’m sure you could charm a yacht and big boat crowd. All you have to do is I don’t know..talk about hard seltzer, stocks and quinoa. I think that’s how it works. Anyway, three day weekend. You should do something nice for yourself. I think the kids these days are calling it self-care, right?”

“You move fast. First date already and you don’t even know my last name. But yeah, I’ll go. It sounds fun. I honestly love farmer’s markets.” She smirked, seeing him get bashful and she smiled wide, enjoying his blush showing through his deeps skin. “I think they hold one every weekend so we can go this Saturday and then get breakfast after.” She stepped back slightly and then stood in front of him, giving him her full attention. 

“Of course you can, sweetheart. I thought you’d never ask,” she smirked, still holding his hand and then walking him back into the bar, lightly dragging him with her. She walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness and then waited for him to order his.

****

“First da-oh well ah,” he stopped himself for a moment to laugh, clearly flustered as he caught himself, sensing that she was getting a kick out of this but he was clearly out of practice. “You can tell me your last name if you’d like, that should solve the problem. Or we can say, if the farmer’s market isn’t a disaster then we’ll both exchange last names. Deal?” He was proud of himself for recovering, standing a bit taller again, remembering that he wasn’t totally hopeless but if she kept looking at him like that he might just be. He wasn’t all that used to attention. 

He followed her inside and took a deep breath, reminding himself to not trip over his words. And he probably should reply to the girl who had texted him but instead he ordered a Modelo and handed the bartender some cash for both of the drinks before turning back to her. “So since you like farmer’s markets, does that mean you like to cook?”

…

“OH.” Dani stops and looks at him. “Oh, boy.” She wasn’t sure how to go about this because it seems like the thought of it being anything other than friendly hadn’t crossed his mind. Maybe he didn’t want that type of attention. “It’s… normally used to refer to the male genitalia.. BUT not everyone might use it that way. I guess it depends on the context of your conversation.” The last thing she felt comfortable with was reading his conversation but maybe it was necessary at this point. “Can I have a look to help you out?”

***

“Oh um, yeah, yeah that would probably be helpful. I mean she asked if I worked out and I said a little here and there. More with just carrying bags of flour,” he joked as he showed her his phone. “And I guess...she found that attractive? I’m assuming. But then the emojis and I,” he waved off the rest of his thoughts, a little flustered as he stood back a bit to relight his joint. “What do you uh? I mean I’m not against it just not like right now...can you even say that in emoji?”

.

“God I dunno, but I guess I’m pretty good at deceiving y’all.” Laughing a bit, Ryder shook his head - he wasn’t humble, not really. Glancing down Holly was basking in the attention from the (not so much a) stranger, Ryder could feel his shoulders relax as they talked. It was this feeling he got around Logan, like things were simpler, and you just had to smile. He was just an easy guy to talk to. Tugging Holly away from sniffing around the bench again, He led their small group down the path more. “Oh wow, so what I’m hearing is party at your place? Or when you say more than one person, do you mean literally one other person?” Grinning, the younger man arched an eyebrow. “Oh? Well, tell me who it is. I know jack shit about fashion, but living with Izzy for as long as I have, I’m sure some of her knowledge has entered my brain through osmosis or whatever.”

****

“You know, I hear a housewarming is standard for these kinds of things so I just might have to.” Logan wasn’t sure he actually would. There was a part of him that longed for the kind of house parties his families would have. The house full, music playing, drinks and food flowing just as much as the laughter. A real community. A family. The idea of that filling up his space made him excited but also anxious. Not even sure he wanted to let anyone that close. “Oh it’s someone I met at the library. I think she works some minutes outside of town. We met when she came into the bakery, exchanged some words. We’re supposed to get dinner and maybe see a movie. I’m not sure yet. Pretty sure I haven’t been on a date since the 90s.” He was mostly joking but it wasn’t like he could actually recall his last date. “I mean I figured jeans and a nice shirt orks, right? As long as they dont have holes or is that like a fashion thing now? Who knows. It’s hard to keep up.”