only angel

5. Victor

I'll be honest, my list of community service projects isn't the most extensive. One thing I do take pride in is my work with HIP. Not only is HIP important for the kids we're teaching, it also helped me come out of my shell. I have always been extremely shy growing up. I'm insecure and awkward, that's just how I am. However, I really wanted to get into HIP because it's something I'm passionate about. When I found out I got in, I was truly so excited. The first few presentations went a little rough for me, but eventually I stopped worrying so much about my flaws. I am my own worst critic, so I am always the one to hold myself back. Having to present in front of a class over and over helped me grow my confidence. I am so grateful for the experience I had teaching others and learning things myself.

- turning 18: This might be cliche, but I really felt different on the day of my 18th birthday. I was at a high point in my life the October of my 18th birthday. Things seemed to be going exactly where I wanted them to. I had cut ties with all the fake people in my life, was receiving so much attention from the one person I wanted it from, and I became an adult. Only legally, of course. Things did go downhill after this point, but in that moment I was so elated with my life. I turned 18, and I was just so proud of myself for making it this far.

Is he calling me out? Totally. I've definitely had this attitude towards things before. Sometimes I feel like I'm entitled to better things. However, most of the time I am not like this. I believe in the power of the little things, so even if a task or job seems "beneath" me, I know it's not. People hold a similar attitude towards certain schools, as if one university has more prestige than another. Like, who cares? Go where YOU want to go and don't bad mouth someone who's going to a "lesser" school because education is education! Just because you go to the best university in the world doesn't mean you're guaranteed success. Success comes from within.

One thing I absolutely love to do is write people handwritten letters. We live in a society where everything has become extremely impersonal, and I hate it. I often wish I was born in a different era because I wish my relationships were more personal. But we are obsessed with our phones and ourselves. To combat this, sometimes I write people letters. I've written letters to my sisters before, and I live with them. I just feel that when I write something in a letter in my handwriting, that person will remember me and the sentiment remains even as time passes. Sometimes I'll spritz a bit of my perfume so people remember me by my scent. I am moving to Orlando at the end of the summer and I think this gives me an even better opportunity for letter-writing because I'll actually get to mail it out.

There are a lot of times in life I've gained valuable experiences, but one of the most important things I learned was from failure. As a child who has always been in gifted all my life, failure was a foreign concept to me. In elementary school and middle school, most things came easily to me. The transition into high school was extremely rough for me because it was the first time in life that I didn't just understand everything. I had to work to understand, and there were times I could never understand, regardless of how hard I tried. I was never particularly good at science, but chemistry freshman year truly tested me. I remember crying because I had gotten my first ever C on a report card. My eldest sister was a straight A student all throughout high school and she managed to do so taking all AP classes. I felt stupid. I had a great teacher, so why was it so hard for me to understand? I struggled with this feeling all throughout freshman year and it extended into sophomore year when I failed my first ever AP and AICE exam. However, I soon got over the guilt and shame I felt from failing because I realized two things. One, I could have done more to increase my chances at passing. Secondly, it didn't even matter in the end. It was a stupid test. I realized I am so much more than my failures. You can't always succeed at everything in life, but that's okay.

I like group work, however it has to be with people that I vibe well with. Some people are too obsessed with themselves that they cannot work with others. To work with others, you have to be willing to listen to them and meet in the middle at times. When I work with like-minded people, I think I work better with them than I do alone. We are like-minded enough to get along but still offer fresh perspectives.

Although I hate to admit it, I am overly concerned about what other people think. I consider myself to be a people pleaser, so this means I am alway trying to get people to like me. However, in recent times, I have become more unapologetically myself. Sometimes it's hard to be myself because I want to appeal to others. I often find myself morphing my personality to be something that I think someone will like. I think one of my biggest fears is being disliked, but I also am self-aware that this is an issue. It's impossible to please everyone, I know that.

I would say I do complain a lot, but there are times that I am more reasonable and am able to look on the bright side. I consider myself to be a realist, but there are times I am more of a cynic and times I am more of an optimist. I complain about all sorts of things, which I credit mostly to me going through my teenage years. I complain about school, relationships, just life in general. I know there is no point, but I can't help it. To me, it's kind of like venting. However, just because complaining doesn't help me, I also don't think I would be happier if I didn't complain. I complain to cope with things.

     I have a lot of different inspirations, ranging from people, animals, decades, movies. Someone that inspires me is Lana Del Rey. She is so unapologetically herself. Even under the harsh judgement of music critics, she continued to do her own thing. She didn't stop making the kind of music she wanted to. This seems silly, but my cats inspire me. I love them so much, and they each have their own personalities. They live such a simple life. They eat, sleep, and play. Even though they pretend they aren't affectionate, they are. A time period that really inspires me is the 90's. I feel like I fit perfectly with the 90's. People often tell me I'm "tragically 90's", so I guess the fact that the decade inspires me is obvious. The 90's has all my favorites movies and TV shows, and even some of my favorite music.

     I guess I would like to start by talking about some of my biggest flaws. I have trust issues, commitment issues, I'm stubborn, indecisive, well, I could go on. I guess I know where my trust issues stem from. Two times I've trusted people in the past, it ended up with me getting hurt. I just fear that history repeats itself, so it'll happen again. I'm a very distant person, no one really knows anything about me and that's how I like to keep it. I have this persona I've created that people see on the surface. It's still me, I've just hidden the deeper parts of myself. I have commitment issues, and I think it's a mixture of my indecisive tendencies and the failing relationships around me. I know I should give people a chance, but I just can't. I try to be more open, and maybe one day I will. My stubbornness is something I've actually started to get over recently. I am firm with my beliefs, but I've been more flexible and open to other people's opinions. Even putting all my flaws aside, I think I'd be a decent teacher. I don't LOVE kids, but I can tolerate them. I give good advice, I just seldom follow it.

     I think a strength of mine that can also be considered a weakness is the fact that I am a perfectionist. This is good in the sense that I take my time and make sure things are done right, however at times it can become excessive. Sometimes being a perfectionist means I want things done my way so that they'll be done right, or I'll spend too much time trying to fix a minor detail so that I consider it to be "perfect". This can make me be controlling and irrational. Sometimes things don't have to be perfect.

     My cousin has always been someone I have admired because she truly lives her life to its fullest. My cousin Monica has always pursued the things she's wanted to because life is short. She's so young, yet has experienced so much. She always had a dream to open up her own hair salon, because that is her passion, and just this past year, she did. It was so inspiring to see someone achieve their dreams and truly appreciate life for what it is.

     I think a brick wall I came across in high school was finding a purpose that didn't involve school. Being in the Cambridge program, I found that I didn't have a lot of free time and when I did, I was exhausted, so I would choose sleep over a social life. School consumed my life and I didn't like it, but I felt I couldn't change it. However, junior year I refused to put up with it any longer. It would be a waste of my youth to have my life entirely revolve around school. I started coming up with schedules of when to do my assignments and when I would have free time. I allowed myself to go out with my friends and make memories rather than do some assignment that won't matter in a year.

     I used to be an extremely dependent person. I couldn't do anything on my own. I was so insecure about my choices that I'd run them through other people to make sure it was okay. But when it came to deciding what college I wanted to go to, I could no longer depend on someone else to decide for me, especially because I'd be leaving the city. I did research on all the schools I was considering. I researched the campus, what school was good for my major, what the cities were like, and more. And then I made a decision. As someone who has always been extremely indecisive, this was a big step for me. Since then, I've been able to do things on my own. My independence has come at a time where I've needed it the most. Of course there are times I still struggle with making decisions, but for the most part, I have become more confident in my own choices. I can do it on my own.

     I would say that music is the "it" in my life. Music has been around for forever. Music has dominated my life ever since I was born. My parents are music enthusiasts, so they'd always be playing music around the house. It was introduced to me by my parents. I listen to music every single day. I don't think I could get through my days without music to help me drown out the noise. Music transports me and helps me escape reality for a moment. I even picked up an instrument in middle school. I learned to play the violin and I really loved it. I only played for two years in middle school and one year in high school, but I feel like the experience changed me for the better. I guess a sacrifice I made was giving up playing an instrument. I never owned a violin of my own and I needed to focus on other things in my life, so I stopped taking music classes at school and gave up the instrument. I still have a deep appreciation for music of all genres and always will, even if I don't play anymore.  

     Here is a poster I made of a few of my favorite things. On the top right, the word "sweet" is pictured in big letters. This is mainly for aesthetic purposes because the colors tie in with other aspects of the poster. However, I always try to be nice to people, so it can also symbolize this. On the left, there is an image of Lana Del Rey. She is my favorite artist. She means so much to me, I don't even know how to explain it. Her music has been there for me i times of anger, sadness, and happiness. I've never met her but she's impacted my life so much. It's only right she'd be on my wall. Underneath the picture of Lana is a picture of a rose. Roses are my favorite flower, as basic as that is. I just think they're so beautiful and they come in all sorts of colors. I like the juxtaposition of thorns being underneath a beautiful rose. It's kind of like the duality of my personality. On the right, there is a patch that says "I want to believe". This phrase comes from my favorite TV show The X-Files. This phrase is associated with Fox Mulder, who is a firm believer in the existence of extraterrestrial life. I consider myself to be a dreamer, so this phrase is something I stick by. Right beneath that patch is a picture of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, the two main characters of the show. Their dynamic and the show itself is something I cherish, so I added it to my poster. The background is solely done for aesthetic purposes.