meow meow meow

i've been getting really tripped up trying to make friends lately. by lately, i mean like, in the last year. I recognize that I am masking a lot of the time, both literally and figuratively. and a whole fucking lot has changed in the last year. It just feels like the minute people get a little peek behind it, they either See Me and want me to ease up and drop it, or they're scared of what they see and recoil into themselves. I cooked a meal to share with a new friend of mine, who asked me what it might be like if I wasn't always trying so hard. But... I don't really know if I know how to just... drop it. I think of moments in the past where I've felt the least masked. I think I'm a little scary. Or maybe I'm a little too intense for some. I think I'm judgmental and chaotic and a chronic overthinker (neutral statements). I feel like a ball of fire sometimes. I hope I can re learn how to just burn bright regardless of the reception. I know that when I meet someone and they get scared or intimidated, that it's not really about me. It's insecurity and comparison and projection from the other person. But it makes me feel so alien. Like I'm not really a real person, just a peg on a board for people to compare themselves to. This happened recently when I was trying to kindle a different friendship, and things consequently crashed and burned a little after. Guess I should've taken the projection as a sign to jump ship. I'm going to be 30 soon. I guess I thought by now, most of us who are still alive have been through enough that I might get to worry a little less about being made into an un-person when I'm honest about myself. But, it'll probably never stop. I'm going to try and water more of my friendships with people who ask me to unmask and give me room to let myself ease up a little. a wench has to fall apart sometimes.

It feels like since getting more familiar with things, that every other trans dude I meet does a microaggression (or macroaggression) when speaking about trans topics. God help us all if the topic is ever transfemme or trans woman focused. It's consistent casual erasure, lack of motivation to figure out how to center and care about the needs of transfemmes and trans women, overstepping commenting on transfemme and trans women's experiences and stories. And that's just IRL. Online, the aggression is just like, vicious! When no one can see their faces, the teeth and the slurs come out, and it starts sounding like folks auditioning to be the next trans Joe R-gan. I have cis dude friends, and I would never say they're always on top of it for not being misogynistic. They fuck up sometimes, it happens. But they're willing to hear it out when people who aren't men ask them to reevaluate their views on women's issues. And they know when to stay in their fucking lane when a woman's talking about her experiences. The trans men and transmascs I meet (mostly online are the worst but in person ain't always better) just. Don't stay in their fucking lane. It's like they see the label "trans" and take it to mean they can comment on all other trans people's experiences. Trans people are so diverse! Not all trans stories are about trans men or transmascs, not all trans content is from/for trans men and trans mascs. Not all events/programs/etc. should be catered to the needs of trans men and trans mascs. I mean, just remove "trans" from those last few sentences and they still stand. Just... so disappointed really, in men. What's new I guess. I want a world where the transfemmes and trans women in my life really feel actually welcomed in trans spaces.

I didn't watch but one trailer once, and thought I knew what the movie would be about. Which it kind of was. Buttttt actually it was also about Secret Second Thing That Really Triggers My New PTSD and now I feel kind of sick lol! I WILL have more nightmares about this and they will probably look like the last ones! I fucking hate this! Haha uh oh I forgot to talk to my therapist about this and we aren't meeting for another week and a half, fuck me! And I have to be sober for the next 6 to 8 weeks and just raw dog this shit!