But, Where am I?

also day 6 of being a nanny. There are so many things that remind me why i don’t want kids, i dunno if its worse cause they’re my cousins or what. 

The youngest one never eats and then complains that she’s hungry. And it’s not like she doesn’t like the stuff, she’ll request it or its things that my aunt puts out in the morning for them to eat, but she just never wants it. and she cries at every turn, terrible 2s for sure.

the oldest she’s like 4 i think, she’s not too bad but she get’s pissy every time we have ‘school’. she’ll complain and get upset the entire time, or she won’t understand and i’m not exactly sure how to teach kids their letters. (we’re working on lowercase, so idk how she’s having trouble) the youngest kids i’ve worked with in the schools are kindergartners and they all knew their letters and how to write them. also today she ‘cried’ (im not even sure if she was for real crying, sounded like the fakest cries ever) because the younger one wanted to play by herself and was playing with a toy that she wanted - when they have a full room and living room of toys.

young kids just aren’t for me.

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I also miss my job, as much as i would complain about it. I miss my kids and even though some of them (mainly the 8th grade girls - they were full of attitude) hated me, i do miss the ones that were full of life and wanting to learn. especially this one 6th grader. they knew they were behind in certain areas and wanted to desperately catch up and understand. I made them notes, like really nice and detailed notes. they were so thankful and appreciative and this 6th grader ended up showing other 6th graders and then the next thing i knew i was making copies for most of the class.

Its midnight so now its Sunday, thus TECHNICALLY making it day 7 of “corona quarantine”

Not much has changed yet, besides things have gotten stricter. There are more cases in the area and the city to the east of me has gone on complete lock down. 

We went to the store today and omg we had to buy some things that i would never buy and some things that we couldn’t buy because they were done sold out. Shelves were empty, some complete aisles were gone, like just nothing in there besides a couple little things.

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I’m only considering this to be my day one of isolation because i was technically on spring break from march 8 to the 13. Today we would have come back to work and school and i would have possibly had to deal with an angry parent (literally the only good thing about this whole thing, even though i was kinda looking forward to it. I mean are you even a teacher now a days if you don’t have parents complaining..?)

Anyways, because of this whole thing we had gotten the news in the middle of spring break that we weren't going to be coming back for a week and then it turned into two weeks, so the whole of March. Some schools (like the university my boyfriend is attending said they may do the rest of the semester online) are talking about not going back at all. My school k-8 is worried about what to do because though we are a private school, a lot of our students are on a scholarship or are getting reduced tuition to attend. what this means is that the only real way they get internet is via school or the library, which closed down yesterday.

How do we further our kids education? how do we know that they are actually working and not just sitting around for these next 2 weeks? how can we monitor those who have trouble and help stimulate those who get easily bored? We’ve been coming up with a lot of resources for parents to use, both online and off - and even though it’s not the current curriculum, it’s something to keep them up to date and to stimulate their minds. 

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anyways, because of it i texted my aunt and uncle about watching their 2 kids because even though one of them is too young for school, 2 weeks (and who knows how much longer) is too long for my grandma and grandpa (who could easily have, *negative* effects if they were to catch it, especially my grandpa) to watch these two bundles of energy while trying to keep the oldest on a (very rough) school schedule. 

today wasn’t too bad but i think tomorrow the schools and teachers in the area are going to be sending out mass emails to parents about what they expect from the students during this time off. So being a teacher to a young-en commences once again.

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It started January 6th of 2020 so I’m 3 months into it and theres so many stories that i have from it. I wanted to write every single day about it but i think I will start now. Well not now, I’m on vacay and have limited internet usage so once i get back i will write about as much as i can remember and also the days events...i think it’s important i get back into writing about my days again. I used to write everything down when i was younger but now, while i still love writing by hand, i get shit done quicker when i type..

I should be proud. excited. nervous. Jumping for joy.

I should not feel sad. depressed. hurt. upset.

I put my all into these past 4.5 years. I made mistakes. Small ones. big ones. humongous. things that I would never tell anybody, especially my mother. But I’ve also accomplished more than i ever thought i could. Been a part of things so much bigger than me. I’ve overcome shyness, anxiety, self-doubt. I’ve pushed myself harder than ever, gained confidence, learned a new language. 

Yet when it comes to me, my family thinks i have not done enough. The dreaded question of ‘what are your plans now’ ‘do you have anything to do’. They swirl in my head as my family assaults me with judgement. Judgement because it took me an extra semester, judgement because i didn’t graduate with any high honors, judgement because they don’t understand my field of work. judgement because i dropped rotc. 

‘you have to go back to school, why’d you pick this if you need more schooling’

‘what will you be doing’ ‘what does your career entail’  ‘you need a real job’ ‘how do you even plan on getting a job’ ‘that language is pointless’ 

because with the two computers I have gone through (switching from a mac to a dell)

massive resets and reboots (on the mac)

having to clear my entire iTunes library out multiple times (mainly on the mac) ((and having to transfer such a huge file back on))

no longer being able to use itunes (on the dell)

no longer being able to plug in my phone without a dongle (which now I can’t because the one that came with my dell no longer works)

The dell rarely every recognized my iphone in the first place 

ALL of this (and more) mean I have lost a song (I have no idea how it goes, the name, or the band/singer) which has been keeping me up for the past 2 hours (it is now 3am as i write this, i am not tired because my stupid brain NEEDS to find this song for some reason). 

The only thing i can remember about this song is that in the middle it cuts out (or the music changes to something softer) and the singer starts singing, “Caroline, caroline”. 

this so many times. I don’t know how to go about it, all i know is that this will be the last time I choose to talk about it. There’s a lot that happened going into this and I wish that I was the kind of person to let it go and not let what we did affect us, but i’m not and it did and i may have made it worse, but i’m ready to be done with it and move on.

We weren’t talking for no reason, we were just being stupid and our lack of terrible communication let it fester for months, causing our relationship to suffer. All i remember thinking was I wish I didn’t fuck (literally) everything up. That I could separate my feelings and that they didn’t show as much, it seemed like you could tell but just didn’t care (which isn't fair cause you told me you felt the same). 

You didn’t want to be that person for me, which is fine, i knew that what we were doing was wrong, I knew everything that you had been through and that I was just your way of coping. I told myself I was fine with it, but after a while i let my emotions cloud my judgments and I did the very thing that both of us said we were not going to do, I fell. and boy did i fall. 

Maybe what happened between us was a good thing, the lack of communication I mean. We both sucked at it when it came to the subject of us, or at least i did for the most part. I was confused and feeling guilty and I didn’t want to talk, you were just the same but for different reasons. you couldn’t explore with me and for that i’m sorry. i put you in an impossible situation but you did the same with me, we’re both just fucked (up).

Maybe i’m biased, but I feel like it was on you that we stopped talking. you completely drew away (and this time I’m not biased), I should have been the one to reach out. 

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now i fucked up again (but in a different and better way). now i don’t know what we are and if we’ll ever go back to how we first were. 

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(for me)

I found out that you were not mad at me.

You found out I was not mad at you.

We laughed and talked and I can only imagine all the missed conversations that we had. All the times that i wanted to make sure you were ok, when I needed to hear you tell me I was going to be ok. to not follow the mold.

who has: 

OCD

Anxiety 

seasonal depression 

............................................

oh you thought I was going to tell you?

that I had answers.

bitch, I wish i did. I wish i knew the answers and the correct things to say or not say for that matter. that i knew how to keep my emotions in check and not let his affect me. That I could always be on for his sake and never feel drained. 

I wish I knew.

I love him dearly. i can’t imagine him not being a part of my life. not talking to him at least once a day. 

yet...

since January. January 26 to be exact. 

It’s sad that I know this and it's not because my legs and armpits are jungles (though they are very jungle like). No the reason I know this is because something terrible happened that day and i don’t know what.

why he always gets like this 

is it just when i’m there

when im present, does it matter?

He drinks his poison, never questioning to stop

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I honestly don’t know how or when it got this bad. he’s always been a heavy drinker and would sometimes get out of hand but recently its been like every single time. His friend told me he’s not like this always but for me, its been always the last couple of times.

Everything was fine, I played sleep so he and his friend could have a talk. Everything was fine until I woke up and noticed he was moving and jumping all over the place. He was bouncing and swaying and almost falling always. I told him to sit. Told him to be careful. Told him to stop taking drinks. 

He got in this way. His anger was creeping up. He became like a child and didn’t want to play darts with his friend any longer.

Everything was not fine, his friend went out to smoke. Everything was not fine, he threw his cup, ice going everywhere. He wanted to break stuff he said, looked at me and goes, “you want to break it all with me.” I thought he said off. I replied, no baby, I love you. I just think you should go rest. 

He stood and went to the kitchen, looking for something to break. His hands landed on his glass teapot and he threw it the sink. his hands beginning to crush it. It happened so fast I couldn’t even warn him. All I could think, he’s gonna be so upset in the morning.

I took the keys, I walked outside. He was a madman if he thought I was going to let him drive. His friend was in no mood to leave he said, he had no choice, i was taking him home.

His hand bleeding he reaches for my pockets and goes inside. his dog is frantic, i tell my boy to go die if he wants. his dog barks and my boy does nothing but stare. I leave without shutting, dog follows me and jumps in my car. His boy, my boy, is scaring him, refuses to go to him. he wrangles him inside, not without falling. 

I take the friend home, he has his own demons. 

he calls. he's at my house, standing in the freezing cold. he has no jacket. he eats nothing and drinks but a few sips. he’s asleep.

My dogs are barking. they don’t stop and he's puking.