feverish

Favorite Fandoms + Favorite Characters

- Bungo Stray Dogs (Akutagawa, Higuchi, Atsushi) - Always up to date with the manga, read Stormbringer, Beast (LN + Manga) and Osamu Dazai's Entrance Exam, started Gaiden

- Gachiakuta (Zanka, Enjin, Rudo, Riyo) - Always up to date with the manga

- Hazbin Hotel (Alastor) - Always up to date with the show, seen the pilot

- Demon Slayer (Genya, Kyojuro, Shinobu) - Finished the manga

- Dandadan (Okarun, Momo) - Always up to date with the manga

- Fullmetal Alchemist [Brotherhood or 03] (Edward, Hawkeye) - Completed, have not seen the 2003 movie

- Helluva Boss (Fizzarolli, Blitz)

- Moriarty the Patriot (William, Louis)

I'm not interested in posting about other fandoms but absolutely open to talking about characters from mentioned series that aren't listed here, of course :)

I try to answer my asks in the order I receive them but is I get one about characters I love or something I'm inspired to talk about I'll answer those sooner!

Before you follow:

- I try to tag all of my posts appropriately so people can search my blog, but also so people with muted tags can avoid certain posts. If you would like me to tag something that I'm not tagging, please let me know. If I am tagging something you think shouldn't be tagged (for example, I no longer tag fics with chro_nic pain to avoid flooding the tag on Tumblr with fictional posts, as per a request), please let me know.

- On this note, since it is a sensitive topic, I do post about eating disorders from time to time - never IRL, always as character headcanons, and never in any form of glorification!

- Please be aware that I post emetophilia content on this blog occasionally! It's often not explicit/not sfw (but always tagged when explicit) but if you're severely emetophobic and not interested in working through your phobia (this isn't a dis, I'm emetophobic irl for example lol) this blog probably isn't for you - but thank you for stopping by!!

Content you won't find on my blog / Content I don't want in my ask box

- Anything involving me. Example. Again I'm emetophobic irl and I prefer to consume content like this on my own terms :)

- NSFW. I don't mind NSFW at all but I'm not comfortable with having that content in my ask box!

- On that note, I will not post emetophilia content about characters under 18!

- I'm generally not interested in talking about X Reader/self insert content :) (Sorry!)

- Also generally not super interested in talking about fandom things that aren't sickfic/whump/angst/etc. related on this blog, since that's not what people are here for :)

- I won't post snz kink, weight gain kink, or scat stuff on my blog :) I don't mind seeing most of it, you just won't find it here.

- And these two are a little random but I don't care for hanahaki disease or content with excessive torture at the moment

He's chewing at his lip. It can't be that he fell asleep. He wouldn't do that on purpose, but maybe he had one too many drinks? No, no. That doesn't really align with the type of guy Enjin is. Besides, Fu has concluded he prefers cigarettes over alcohol.

So what even happened here?

What should he even do?

He shifts a bit closer, until he's maybe a foot away. He crouches down next to him. He's definitely breathing. It's slow and regular like he's asleep. He squeaks out his name again, but he doesn't get any sort of indication that Enjin can hear him, or even knows someone else is there.

He's tempted to rouse him, he even has a hand partially stretched out to touch him, but he hesitates. He doesn't want to wake a sleeping person he hardly knows anything about.

“Enjin…please wake up…” he squeaks. This is just terrible.

He sits on the floor, his eyes shining with the frustration of being totally without any ideas on what to do here. He tries to get a closer look at Enjin, but he doesn't see anything super out of the ordinary. It's not like he's pale, or something that would make Fu think he's unwell. He doesn't seem injured, either - in fact, he's wearing clothes that Fu has seen him in on his days off.

What happened?

“I can't just leave him here…but I don't know what to do…” Fu mumbles to himself.

He hears a groan.

What do you mean, you don't know what to do? You should get someone to help.

Hii's voice.

“I should, but what if it's…you know…he sleeps here on purpose, and I just don't know about it…”

It's possible, right? Fu has never seen Enjin's bedroom. Maybe he doesn't have one. Maybe he sleeps here, in the hallway of the basement floor, because the floor is cold.

Is this guy a fucking dog?

“No…no…” Fu mumbles.

You are such a fucking dunce. It's unbelievable. Go find someone to help him.

“I don't even know who to look for…it's so late, everyone's asleep, probably…” Fu mumbles. Anyone on Enjin's team would be a good choice, but how likely are they to believe an Ex-Raider, and follow him unprompted into the basement floor past midnight? They would rather throw him out of the front door, probably.

But what's the other option? Do nothing?

He huffs. No. That can't be what he does.

He can do it. Enjin obviously isn't conscious enough to give him any directive, so he has no other choice, right? There's lots of options. Wake him up. Get somebody. Yell until someone hears him. Leaving him here would have worse consequences than doing nothing, right?

Or would it be better to just sit here until he wakes up?

Fu bites his lip.

That wouldn't require any major decision making.

But what if it's the wrong call? What if something is actually really wrong? He hadn't considered that.

What if he dies?

Are you stupid?

“No!” Fu shouts. He quickly covers his mouth after realizing how loud he was.

Just checking. Seem pretty stupid to me.

Fu scoots against the wall, sitting perpendicular to where Enjin is laying, pulling his knees up to his chest. Enjin isn't in any danger, he's pretty sure. He's breathing normally. No blood, no illness that he can see. Maybe he just fell asleep here. Maybe Fu just needs to wait.

Sitting, waiting and doing nothing is his speciality. And it seems like a pretty okay option for the time being.

…

Fu thinks he's registered about three hours as having passed until he sees Enjin's form start to shift.

His whole body stiffens. He stays against the wall for a second. He crawls a little closer, his head tilting as he sees Enjin's face start to shift toward him. There's a deep groan before he speaks.

“Nn...? Fu…?”

Fu just blinks several times as Enjin squints to try and figure out who he's looking at. He tries to give himself some leverage, an arm against the floor to get himself up, but he gives up about halfway through and ends up lying on his back instead, staring up at the ceiling and the dim, flickering light barely illuminating the hallway.

“Where th'hell am I…?” Enjin manages to say, but honestly, his words are so slurred into each other that Fu has trouble piecing his question together right away.

But he can answer confidently. He can do that, at the very, very least.

“In - the hallway, sir!” he barks.

“I told ya’ t'drop the sir crap…” Enjin groans, pressing a hand up against the side of his head. “Must've…gah…”

Fu presses his lips together, realizing he's already messed up by speaking too loud.

He gives Enjin a minute to gather himself, as he quietly observes their surroundings, suspiciously for a few seconds. He sighs soon after, rubbing his hands over his face with what sounds like an annoyed groan. Fu wonders if maybe he remembers what got him here.

“C'n ya’ help me up?” Enjin asks him, and Fu obeys immediately, taking Enjin's arm to give him some leverage to pull him up into at least a sitting position, which seems to be enough for him for the time being. He's still squinting, and his hand travels up to the same side of his face as before.

“Did you…are you hurt…?” Fu asks meekly.

“Nah, j's…fell on my face, I think,” Enjin mumbles rubbing the side of his face. “When'd y’find me? What time's it?”

“Three…hours ago…” Fu mumbles, trying to recall exactly when that was. “It's…it's almost four in the morning, I think, but I haven't gone to check, it's just a personal guess -”

“Don't tell me you've been sittin’ here the whole time…?” Enjin asks, his brow furrowed.

Fu mumbles an apology instead of admitting to it. Did he make the wrong choice?

“It's fine, just…y’could've left me. This happens all the time.”

What happens all the time…?

Fu lifts his head up again to look at him, hoping that maybe Enjin will tell him, because he's afraid to ask. Maybe it's an invasion of his privacy.

“Guess ya’ couldn't have known that, though…” Enjin says with a heavy sigh. “Jus’...do me a favor and don't tell anybody. Yeah?”

Fu blinks at him. “Don't…tell anybody?”

“Right,” Enjin says, “I don't need anyone worryin’ about me.”

Fu feels his chest get tight. That seems wrong. Sure, Fu didn't see whatever happened that caused him to get here, and he doesn't have any clue what could have happened, but surely it's not any normal thing that would cause a person to be unconscious for this amount of time in the hallway.

Fu purses his lips as he helps Enjin off the floor. It's an order, he has to obey.

…

“Yes, Zanka Nijiku, sir -”

“Stop callin’ me by my whole name. And aren't you the same age ‘s me? Why're you callin’ me sir?”

Zanka is really scary. He's tall. A lot of the Cleaners are tall, but Zanka is his age, which makes it a lot scarier than anyone else who is taller than him. He's loud, too. Again, not much different from the rest, but there’s a coldness in his tone that Fu is terrified of. It's all just a really bad combination.

“Scary…” Fu mumbles.

Rudo shakes his head. “Nah, he's just an asshole.”

“The fuck?”

Fu isn't sure how he ended up in the garage, anyway. One of the Supporters was showing him how they load up the cars for missions because he wanted to help, be useful instead of sitting around, but he didn't know where to start, where to get involved.

Rudo, Riyo and Zanka are all here. The former two are dressed in uniform, with Zanka in casual clothing. Fu remembers hearing about him supposedly still recovering from injuries Jabber dealt him. Fu shivers at the idea that a person survived an encounter with Jabber to begin with. It adds to his scary points.

“Nothing scary about him. If anything, he's probably scared of y-”

“Why don't I just-”

“C'mon, boys.”

Oh, the redhead. Riyo. She's way scarier than anyone he's met here with the Cleaners. Her glare is probably enough to kill him, so he makes sure to completely avoid eye contact with her. His eyes shoot down to the garage floor. Unfortunately, he did catch a glimpse of a seemingly sweet, I'm going to kill you if you move the wrong muscle smile on her face.

One of the Supporters ushers Fu back over to what they were doing, and he feels the glares of all three of them against his back. Zanka ends up following. He was helping load up cars too, much to the dismay of other Supporters, who have been repeatedly reminding him he's not supposed to be lifting anything.

He feels Zanka watching him as the Supporter explains to Fu everything that goes onto the vehicle first-aid kits, which are a lot more extensive than he would ever think they needed to be. Tourniquets, activated charcoal, suture material. There's even tubes and scopes for what he can only imagine are for emergency intubations. These Cleaners seem to be prepared for anything. They're so admirable.

The Supporter instructs him to lock and close the medication box after handing him a key, and the pressure of Zanka staring him down is apparently too much for him to handle, because the key he tries to insert just ends up hitting right outside of the key hole. Five times.

“What's up with you, huh?” Zanka bites.

Fu shrinks, this time, successfully locking the box.

“What were ya’ doin’ so late that y'er so tired ya’ can't focus? You don't even have ta’ go on jobs,” Zanka tells him, his teeth grit while he talks to him.

Fu is definitely very, very tired, and he's surprised Zanka picked up on that. He didn't think any of them were paying much attention to him at all.

“Don't be so mean,” Riyo chides, her tone playful.

“I'm not bein’ mean,” Zanka grumbles under his breath.

“I was…well, I found somebody…”

Fu squeaks. Maybe he shouldn't have started to say that. He tried an excuse first out of instinct, but he remembers he wasn't supposed to share details. He was ordered to not share details. He's the worst ever. What does he do now?

Just tell them. Holy shit.

“Found somebody?” Zanka repeats, visibly frustrated, Fu realizes when he turns around. He's leaning against the vehicle.

“In the hallway…” Fu continues, so quiet he can hardly hear himself.

Enjin very clearly told him not to tell anyone, but there's no harm in explaining his situation to Zanka Nijiku. He's only explaining why he's not focused. That's all. Maybe they won't ask questions.

“You found somebody in the hallway?” Riyo asks. She's staring straight into his soul. Zanka's arms are crossed over his chest staring him down right along with her.

Of course they're asking questions.

Idiot.

“Yes…and I…I waited for them to wake up…” Fu mumbles. Rudo looks confused about this interrogation. “For three hours…”

Zanka raises a brow.

“So…that's why I…”

“Who, Fu?” Riyo asks.

Fu totally shrinks when he hears Enjin walk in, and Riyo and Zanka's expressions tell him that they completely understood the message. It only takes Rudo a few seconds to follow.

“What's goin’ on out here, huh?”

“Same like usual, slacking and wasting time,” Riyo teases. Zanka seems to take this personally, taken aback that she would even say that as a joke.

“What're you doing out here, guy who I explicitly told not to lift anything?” Enjin says, a brow raised with his gaze in Zanka's direction. He seems to sort of ignore Fu's presence. Fu tries to get a good look at his face. He looks completely exhausted, and the group seems suspicious, but they keep quiet.

“Not lifting anything,” Zanka mumbles dejectedly.

“Don't worry, he's not,” Riyo says. “We were just showing our little ex-Raider our first aid kits.”

“We…?” Rudo mumbles, but his reply seems to go unheard.

“Oh, well, don't stop on my account,” Enjin says, waving them off before he wanders over to the other car.

About half an hour passes. The Supporters helping Fu finished giving him the run-down on stocking and preparing their vehicles, and he was able to do it sort of successfully. It's a lot of information, but he wants to be helpful, he wants to do it correctly. He's useful. He has to be, or else, what is he?

They prepared two cars for this job. Enjin is taking Riyo, Rudo and a pretty sizable group of Supporters. Zanka, apparently, still isn't allowed on jobs.

Fu wanders back into the garage with a stack of cleaning towels that he was asked to put in the racks, and when he re-enters, there aren't any Supporters left. He hears them talking, but nothing stands out to him until he puts away the towels.

“Dammit,” Enjin huffs, “can't drive.”

“Can't drive? Why?” Fu hears Riyo say.

Fu shifts over, feeling his heart drop. Something is definitely wrong.

He's staring at his hands, and it looks like Riyo is quietly waiting for a response that it seems like she isn't going to get.

“Enjin?”

He doesn't respond. He's totally zoned out. Fu is very quickly realizing that whatever is going on is related to how he found him last night.

“Come on, let's sit you down, yeah?” she says, taking his arm and trying to guide him down to the floor. Enjin obliges, but it's very clear to Fu that he isn't all there. His eyes aren't focused on anything.

Riyo makes sure he's leaning against the car once she's able to sit him down, and she says something to him again, briefly waves a hand in his face, all for nothing, apparently. He doesn't react to any of it, and there's a sudden tension in the air. Fu assumes he's about to pass out, but the reactions from the other two make it seem like it might be worse.

Zanka's brow furrows. “Is he -”

“I'm pretty sure,” Riyo nods. She's able to move Enjin so that he's laying on his side, and still, he doesn't fight back, doesn't say anything.

“Should I get Eishia?” Zanka asks. He sounds nervous.

“Probably a good idea,” Riyo says, laying her hand on Enjin's shoulder. She says something to him again, but Fu doesn't hear it.

“I'll go. I saw her earlier,” Rudo insists.

Should you even be here for this? You're just in the way.

Fu has a hard time discerning his personal inner voice from Hii's, and right now, he can't tell the difference.

Zanka's posture is completely different from before. His air of confidence has more or less disappeared, completely overtaken by what seems to be fear, an expression of anxiety Fu didn't think he'd ever see on a person like him. His breaths are so fast that it makes Fu wonder if this is an appropriate reaction. Riyo doesn't seem that nervous at all. He's confused.

“Zanka?” Riyo says, peering over at him, “you don't have to stay. I've got it, yeah?”

Zanka's eyes dart nervously between Enjin and Riyo, like he isn't sure he believes her.

“Go find Eishia,” she tells him. “Go with Rudo.”

Zanka is clearly hesitant to leave, taking a few steps backwards before he commits and leaves the garage in the same direction Rudo left. With apparently perfect timing, Fu’s eyes trail back to Enjin’s practically unconscious form, and everything clicks when he notices Enjin’s limbs start to twitch. Then jerk.

A seizure. That's what's happening.

He's never once seen something like this in an environment where there's people making sure that the person suffering is okay. This is only something he saw as a side effect of poison, thanks to Jabber, so he has no idea what he would even do in a situation like this. Most of those people died as a result of the poison, anyway, so can a person even survive a seizure?

“I'm giving you a job, got it?” Riyo says. Her voice is stern, and she keeps her hands firm on Enjin’s arm and shoulder to keep him on his side.

Fu squeaks. “A…a job!?”

“Right. An order. See the clock? Keep track of when this started. And stop counting when the convulsions stop.”

“Yes! I can do that!” he barks back, his eyes shooting over to the crooked digital clock hanging over the doorway to the garage. He tries to account for the fifteen seconds or so that have passed since it actually started.

This is good. He can do something to be helpful. Rudo and Zanka are both looking for Eishia, and Riyo can’t focus on the clock because she’s holding Enjin in place.

“And take off your hoodie. Put it under his head,” Riyo tells him, carefully shifting one hand underneath the side of his face in the meantime, likely so he doesn’t hurt himself. Fu takes off the hoodie faster than he’s ever taken anything off in his life, and folds it twice so that there’s enough cushion under his head. He holds his breath, concerned with how tightly Enjin's eyes are shut.

Fu’s eyes flick back and forth between the clock and Enjin, and after a few minutes, he starts to worry if this is something that should even last multiple minutes. Riyo doesn’t seem concerned, but he’s also gotten the impression that she’s very good at hiding her true feelings, so it’s hard to say if it’s on purpose or not. No one files back in, which has to be some sort of crazy coincidence, considering how many Supporters are supposed to be going on this job.

Riyo’s choker rings, and Rudo’s voice checks in.

“Riyo?”

“Can’t find Eishia?” Riyo says back through her choker.

“No, I don’t think she has her choker on,” Rudo says. “Zanka’s checking the basement floor and I’m gonna look in the storage unit.”

“Okay, it’s fine. She doesn’t have to be here before it’s over,” Riyo insists.

“Are you sure…?”

“I just want her to check him out after,” she says.

“Okay. We’ll keep looking.”

The connection stops, and Riyo stays where she is, keeping her focus. Fu thinks this conversation might be confirmation that this isn’t a fatal thing, or even dangerous at all. It sounds like it’s something that’s happened multiple times, enough for her to have this figured out - the timing, the cushion under his head, keeping him on his side.

Several more minutes pass. There’s a few times where Fu thinks it’s stopped, because the convulsions aren’t as intense, but they pick back up just as quickly. They're even so violent at times that Riyo has trouble holding him steady on his side. He definitely would have hurt his head if Fu's hoodie wasn't there, and he probably hurt his head last night, now that he's thinking back on it. Some Supporters start to file in, and Fu can hear a few gasps from behind them, and one of the older Supporters even kneels beside Riyo, offering her assistance.

There's shouting from him, too, intermittently. It scares Fu every time, and it echoes through the garage. He can't really make out words most of the time, and he can't tell if it's involuntary or not, but each time, Riyo makes some attempt to comfort him. It's okay. You're okay.

“How can I help you, miss Riyo?”

“It’s okay. He’s fine,” she says, so casual and convincing despite the scene in front of them. Riyo asks if the Supporter maybe knows where Eishia might be, and one behind them speaks up and says they do. She directs them to tell either Rudo or Zanka where she is.

The older Supporter stands up and tells the rest of them to keep their distance.

It is really difficult to see him like this. These Supporters likely know him a little better than Fu does, and maybe it's ever scarier for him, but it's scary enough for Fu to see someone who he thinks is as cool as he thinks Enjin is brought down like this. Completely vulnerable, too.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the convulsions stop completely.

Fu lets go of his breath.

“Okay. Time?” Riyo asks, gently rubbing Enjin’s shoulder.

“Eleven minutes, twenty two seconds and -”

“That's all I needed,” Riyo says. “Good, so you're useful for something.”

Useful is not a word that has often, or ever, been used to describe Fu. He knows there's a completely uncontrolled wobbly smile on his face.

Riyo turns her head to face the group of five Supporters standing behind them, all looking completely terrified by what they’ve witnessed. These seizures must be a common sight for her, but it seems like these Supporters have never seen a seizure in their life.

“He's okay,” Riyo insists, “I know it looks scary, but it’s just something that happens to him sometimes.”

“Eleven minutes seems like…” One of them mumbles quietly, apparently overhearing Fu’s count.

“They're typically that long,” Riyo says. “He’s not epileptic.”

Eleven minutes does seem like a really long time for a seizure, but Fu isn’t familiar with epilepsy, or causes for seizures outside of epilepsy and poison.

“So,” Riyo says, turning her head to Fu and lowering her voice.. “Enjin was the one you found in the hallway?”

All Fu can do is squeak. Enjin told him not to tell, but he didn't really put any measures in place to make sure no one found out.

“And…what time did you find him?” she asks. She sounds really, really scary.

Fu blinks. The Supporters don’t seem like they’re overhearing the conversation, but they’re definitely staring at him. Judging.

“What time did you find this mysterious person in the hallway?”

“Two…two in the morning…maybe two thirty,” Fu says, lowering his head. Clearly it’s information she needs. Important to Enjin’s safety. Right? She’s demanding the information of him anyway. He can’t refuse.

“So two of these in twelve hours, huh?” she says quietly, turning her attention back to Enjin. “Wonder what's….going on with him…”

Fu hears Enjin groan quietly, tension flooding into his expression for a few seconds before it relaxes again, this time, closing his eyes intentionally. Riyo’s rubbing his shoulder, a little more rough than before, on purpose.

“Sorry, you gotta wake up,” Riyo tells him.

“Sorry it took us so long,” Rudo says, appearing back into the garage, with Zanka and Eishia behind him, and the Supporter who must have helped them locate her.

Eishia starts to mumble and apologize profusely before she kneels down next to Enjin. She and Riyo both carefully lay Enjin on his back before Riyo stands and takes a few steps back to stand with Zanka and Rudo. Fu does the same, standing a bit further away.

“Don't worry so much. You know he has these all the time,” Riyo says, a hand on Zanka’s back.

“I know,” Zanka mumbles, his arms crossed defensively over his chest, keep concern in his expression as he watches Eishia examine Enjin.. It doesn't seem to have comforted him at all.

More people have gathered in the surrounding area, and Fu wonders if the word has probably gotten around from the search for Eishia. The garage isn't a place that isn't free of foot traffic, though. There's Supporters staring from a distance, some wandering closer once they recognize who it is, it seems. Fu recognizes Gris among them. He approaches Riyo right away after peering over Eishia’s shoulder, asking her things like how long was it, what happened right before.

“Aren’t these…usually caused by, like…” Zanka says quietly.

“Yeah,” Riyo says quietly. “I don’t know what happened. But apparently Fu found him really late last night after one, so…whatever triggered that one is probably the same thing that triggered this one.”

“I’ll talk to him about it when he’s back to himself,” Gris says quietly.

“He won’t tell you,” Riyo says.

Gris sighs. “I know.”

At least Rudo looks as confused as Fu feels.

Eishia’s head turns to Riyo, who walks forward and kneels beside her, apparently telling her a few things about Enjin’s condition. It doesn’t seem like anything bad. Fu can see him trying to blink himself awake, not totally there but there enough to understand he’s laying on the floor.

“F’ve m’s,” Enjin mumbles, trying to get ahold of Riyo’s hand once she’s beside him. She takes it, squeezing it tight.

“Nope. Where are we?” she asks him, leaning right over his face so that she’s all he sees.

Enjin groans. His eyes drift around, squinting for a few seconds before he decides an answer. “Gar’ge.”

“Correct! And, what’s today?” she asks.

“M’nd’y,” he manages, a hand drifting up to his face and rubbing at his forehead.

“Good! And, who’s not supposed to lift anything for one more week?”

“Z’nka,” he answers.

“Ding ding!”

“Why ‘m I always the butt of your jokes?” Zanka grumbles, inching a little closer to Enjin with Rudo close behind him.

“G'me five min's,” Enjin groans, his eyes now focused on Riyo.

She shakes her head. “No way, big guy.”

“I c'n drive af'der five min's,” he insists with a whine.

“Nope, you can't.”

Enjin groans.

“Such a bad example, you know?” she teases, ruffling his hair. “Lay here for a few minutes and then we're moving ya’.”

Fu is glad he's okay. This could have gone really differently. He's glad that this time, everything seemed to work out in his favor - he didn't make any mistakes.

“Thanks for your help,” Riyo says, appearing next to him suddenly. Fu's eyes are as wide as they've ever been, surprised by her presence, but she's kind of smiling normally. He thinks. “Glad you can follow directions.”

Fu nods fervently. “I'm…glad I could help!”

Made yourself useful. Didn't think that was possible.

“What’s up with these late night meetings anyway,” Zanka grumbles, deciding it’s not worth the argument and lying back down, staring up at the ceiling.

“Lots of early jobs lately, I guess. Late night’s the only way to get everyone together nowadays,” she says. “You okay?”

“What?” he huffs. “I’m fine.”

He hates it. If one more person asks if he’s okay, he’s going to lose his mind. He knows it’s all just concern. They don’t pity him, he knows that, they’ve said it, they’re just worried.

He still hates it.

“I’m just surprised you’re not giving me any like, why didn’t you wake me up, like you usually do,” Riyo says.

“You guys are just gonna do what you want, anyway,” he mumbles. He doesn’t like how lax they’ve been with him during his recovery, and afterward. He wishes they would just pretend it never happened, and drag him out of bed like usual. He just wants to feel normal.

“Maybe,” Riyo says. “Anyway, Zan, I’m going up stairs. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Yeah,” he sighs, deciding to lie back down, busy staring at the ceiling.

“G’night,” she tells him.

“Night, Riyo.”

…

It's too early, but Zanka can't go back to sleep. He's tried to train his brain into not waking up at four in the morning, like back in his Hell Guard training days, but he’s never managed to be able to do it. He didn’t even manage to sleep well while he was supposed to be asleep.

He decides to get ready. Maybe if he gets dressed and trains outside for a while before the job, he can level his head a little, and get rid of this weird fuzzy feeling. He’s a little worried it’s the start of a migraine, but it’s not quite the same as it usually is. He’s a little dizzy after he pulls his sleeveless top on.

He’s holding the top half of his uniform in front of him. Something feels weird.

Shit.

He hardly makes it to the trash bin on his floor, and chokes up whatever scraps he picked at from his dinner the night before. Coughing, sputtering. It hurts. He can’t be sure exactly why this is happening all of a sudden. Is he sick? Is this anxiety? Is it a migraine that just hasn’t gotten to his head yet, somehow? It’s not still part of the whole poison thing, is it?

He feels like he's going to pass out, for a second.

He can't call out. He can't do it. Not this time. Enjin won't let him stay.

“Shut up. Shut up,” he tells himself with a shaky breath, pressing his palms against his eyes.

No, that isn’t true. Enjin’s made that very clear to him. It’s an irrational fear. Zanka is afraid of abandonment, that’s what he’s heard Gris say when they think he’s not listening. He’s not with the Hell Guard anymore. He needs to relax, that’s what they’re trying to get through to him, but he can’t. He just hears his sister’s words from Enjin’s face. The feelings won’t go away.

He sits on the floor for a while, leaning against his bed frame, pulling his knees up to his chest. He's just trying to breathe. In, out. Maybe he's just anxious. He used to get like this whenever he worked himself up, but this whole anxious spiral didn’t start until after he threw up.

It's the first job he's been assigned to since that whole incident, since Enjin put him out for a month to recover. He's been training. And training. And training.

He can't let them down.

Zanka tries to look as presentable as humanly possible. Enjin knows he hasn't been getting great sleep lately, so maybe he'll chalk it up to that. He'll get lucky. He's borrowed makeup from Riyo before, and she's even left some in his room on occasion, so he uses it to fix his complexion just enough so he doesn't look like a ghost, and fix his under eyes the best he can. He looks like he didn’t even sleep a wink, and he’s pretty sure throwing up just now has completely zapped all his energy.

He feels awful.

At least Rudo won’t be on this job. He’s out with Tamsy and Follo, from what Zanka heard. He won’t have to worry about being a decent role model, he won’t have to pay close attention to Rudo’s new and unfamiliar battle tactics. He can just run on autopilot, and that should clear him of any suspicion. He’s great at autopilot.

He throws up again, just before he leaves. Just once. Not very much. He sort of felt it coming, that time. He breathes heavy, wondering if he's making a mistake or not. He thought for a long time that he was good at hiding his feelings until he realized Enjin and Riyo pretty much knew everything he thought and felt at any moment, but he's hoping he's gotten better about it.

Come on. Lock in.

He makes it out to the garage, where they’re set to meet by the company vehicle before they leave. He’s trying to be conscious of his posture. His stomach is killing him. He probably needs to eat something, but he’s afraid he won’t be able to keep it down. Zanka doesn’t even remember who they’re set to be working with until he gets there. Enjin, of course, with Riyo, and then Delmon and a few Supporters that Zanka isn’t too familiar with.

Riyo isn’t there yet. She’s usually on time, while Zanka’s always early, and Enjin somewhere in between.

Enjin waves Zanka down when he arrives. There’s four Supporters total, which isn’t many, but more than Zanka was expecting. It’s not supposed to be a big job.

Enjin looks like he has some job-related information to share with him, judging by the folder in his hands, but when Zanka gets closer, Enjin’s expression changes, and a knot forms in Zanka’s stomach. He hates that look.

“Still not sleeping good?” Enjin asks with a pout.

That obvious, huh?

“Yeah, I'm…I'll talk to Eishia about it. When we get back,” Zanka answers quietly, gripping his staff a little tighter. He doesn’t want to talk to Eishia at all. He’s bothered her more than enough since the beginning of his borderline hospitalization.

“Good idea. We need you rested good for work,” Enjin reminds him, ruffling his hair before he walks off, a folder in hand for one of the Supporters.

Zanka's breath is caught in his throat. He's frozen there for a second, wondering what that meant.

Is Enjin calling him off the job today? He wouldn't, right?

No. He's just overreacting.

Zanka needs to sit down.

…

It’s a decent, quiet drive out to where they’re headed. About three hours, until they park the car in a secure lot.

A town that doesn’t allow private vehicles is where they’re headed. It’s a way for them to monitor their population. They have to ditch their vehicle and take a public bus into the town - they don’t make exceptions for anyone, not even Cleaners that the city itself hired to clean up Trash Beasts right on the outskirts.

They're waiting at the bus platform, dozens of other passengers giving them either looks of admiration or disgust, nothing in between. It's not something they're not used to, but Zanka can't deal with it right now. The bus isn't supposed to be there for another five or ten minutes, so while Enjin isn’t paying attention, in conversation with the person ahead of them in line, he dips off.

He has to go sit by himself. Just for a minute. They’re all waiting on the bus anyway, they won’t notice if he disappears for a minute.

He was nauseous the entire drive out, but thankfully not so badly that he thought he might throw up. He was hoping that he’d gotten that out of the way this morning, but now the feeling is coming back. There’s a weird, fuzzy feeling in his head too, something he would usually chalk up to the beginning of a migraine, but it hasn’t actually gotten there. His head hurts, but not that badly.

He puts a hand against his chest, and takes a breath.

Anxiety. It's anxiety, right? He paces around the bench on the other side of the little building, gripping his Vital Instrument for dear life. He hasn’t had it this bad in a long time, if that’s what it is. It used to be a daily issue, after he left Kamuatari, after he was disinherited. He’d gotten talks from Enjin about it, Gris and Semiu too, and he got to a point where he could manage it, where he could avoid these moments.

And anxiety can be fixed by being calm. Breathing normally. Easy.

Fuck. Maybe he needs to throw up again and then he'll be fine.

“Zanka?”

He has the sense to not bash his head into walls anymore, he thinks, but sometimes he feels like that's the only way to bring him back to reality.

He tries to straighten himself out, but he can't look at Riyo. He's sure everything he's feeling is written all over his face.

Riyo stands next to him for a second, probably expecting him to at least react to her presence, but he doesn’t. “You, uh…you look like you're about to puke.”

“I'm fine,” he says, quickly, because he's trying to breathe. She's interrupting him. “Jus’ anxiety.”

It's easier to admit that than being sick. They've already accepted that's a flaw he has, and has had for a long time. Being sick is not acceptable. There's no quick fix for it. Enjin will be pissed if he finds out this late into the job that Zanka is sick, because he's strict about that. Taking care of yourself is the priority, he always says. He won’t let Zanka work if he has a headache or a fever, even if it’s unrelated to being sick. And especially not now, not after what happened.

“Okay, well, let's sit down then,” Riyo says to him, laying a hand on his shoulder and bringing him down to the bench. He's so unbelievably nauseous. He swallows. “What's up, huh?”

He can't say it. He doesn't want to. Maybe a month ago, before all this shit with Jabber happened.

“Please don't tell anyone,” he mumbles.

“Don't tell anyone what?” she asks quietly, turning her head to get a closer look at him.

Zanka can't say it. Why can't he say it? Riyo, out of everyone, would keep a secret.

“Zanka? You're kinda freakin’ me out, man.”

“Everything okay over here?”

Enjin’s voice nearly makes Zanka jump out of his skin. He was so focused on Riyo’s eyes that he didn’t even hear his footsteps.

“Yep. Zanka dropped an earring.”

He looks over, and sure enough, she’s holding one. Did it fall? Did she take it off? He doesn’t remember her doing that at all. Enjin looks confused too, because they didn’t walk near this platform on the way over, but he seems to accept the explanation.

“‘Kay, well, our bus is almost here.”

Riyo definitely saved his ass there, and she doesn’t even know the half of it.

The bus ride is torture.

He sits beside Riyo towards the back. Cars arn’t as bad, but the rare times he has to get on a bus or a train are torture for motion sickness, and it’s just another thing to add to the list of crap that’s making him feel awful.

It’s hot as hell, too, and no one else seems bothered by it. Zanka tries not to let it show, but he unzips the front of his uniform just a few inches to make it so that he’s not smothered, at least.

It’s not a fever, is it?

Riyo doesn’t bug him about anything, and she usually doesn’t. She doesn’t like to be bothered either when something’s up with her, and the mutual silence between the two in those situations is respected and appreciated.

He slips away to the bus restroom, which is probably disgusting enough by itself to make him throw up on a good day, but he just stands, leans against the door, and breathes. He doesn't want it to happen. It burns. Everything already hurts. The nauseous feeling is getting to his head, reminding him of his recovery from the poison, and for a few seconds, he feels like he can’t see. Can’t breathe. He gags, thinking for a second that he’s going to throw up. He holds his head over the tiny bus restroom sink, but nothing else happens. He can’t hand anything left in his stomach. He hardly did to begin with.

“Fucking…get it together,” he mumbles to himself, his voice shaking so much that it makes him cringe as he leans back against the door. What is wrong with him? Surely he wouldn’t have reacted this way to being sick a month ago. It’s never bothered him this much. He rubs his hands over his face.

He comes out quickly enough to avoid any suspicion, but Riyo is already giving him looks.

“Zanka,” Riyo whispers, tapping his shoulder.

He turns his head.

She has a little note pad on the pull-out table, and a nearly empty ink pen. They’re supposed to use those if they need to take notes during a job, when Scribes aren’t around.

u ok? talk to me

He bites his lip. He doesn’t want to do this, but Riyo will hunt him down until she gets an answer, one way or another. He takes the pen.

Don't feel good

Riyo raises an eyebrow.

i can tell

Riyo scribbles something else.

u sick then or what?

Zanka groans, laying his head back against the headrest. He doesn’t want to admit it. He can’t.

She rubs his shoulder for a second, comforting, before she flips to the next page to write something else.

pretty sure enjin would've been fine w u staying back

Zanka understands the sentiment, but he can't even consider the option. He needs to work. He wants to help. He hates sitting at home.

the whole poison thing probably fcked ur immune system

Zanka takes the pen.

Just anxiety, not sick

Riyo huffs at him. She's not buying it, but Zanka's already decided he's digging this grave. He doesn't fully believe it himself, but it's still a more acceptable answer than the truth.

“Passing notes in class?” Enjin half-laughs, peering over from the seat in front of them.

“Girls only,” Riyo says, flapping the notebook in his face before taking it back into her bag. She always says that when the two of them are whispering because it catches Enjin off guard, and sure enough, it starts another conversation between the two of them. Zanka stares at the seatback in front of him. He can’t hide this for much longer.

…

Everything is shifting around him.

He realizes he’s made a huge mistake coming out here, but it’s too late to back out, in the middle of active combat.

He’s somehow able to keep himself steady with the help of his Lovely Assistaff, and he’s pretty certain he wouldn’t have been able to make it this far without her. He’s fighting off the active threats in front of him. They’re not obscenely large Trash Beasts, and they aren’t too fast, either - goat-shaped, with horns. He’s able to take a few out with just a few swings, but there’s so many. He can’t see between all the dirt and dust they’re kicking up with their hind legs, Riyo and Enjin are, and Delmon is off with other Supporters further out.

Zanka feels horribly light headed all of a sudden, and it’s just a second of distraction that was long enough for a Trash Beast ram right past Zanka, tear off his mask and graze the side of his head with its horn, knocking him backwards and sending his staff flying behind him, deactivating as soon as she left his hands.

He’s so stunned by the sudden attack, and his failure to properly react, that he’s frozen. A hand touches the side of his head. He’s not badly injured from what he can feel, but the bright red blood covering his hand is enough to tell him he’s bleeding a lot. He’s so dizzy that it looks like his hand is moving when it isn’t.

He got really lucky. If it were only a few seconds later, that Beast would have plowed right through his head.

Zanka realizes it was the only one left, because as soon as Riyo is out of his line of sight, there’s silence. She must have taken it out.

She takes off her mask once Zanka sees her again, and her concerned expression right away is enough to tell Zanka how off his game he is. He wants to wave it off, but he realizes he doesn’t have full cooperation of the rest of his body. He feels like he’s going to pass out.

“Zanka, you good?” Enjin asks. Zanka can’t tell right away where his voice is coming from, but his eyes suddenly appear right in front of him. “You're bleeding. It just grazed you, right?”

He's pretty sure, yeah, but he can't tell. He stands up with some difficulty, autopilot, and Enjin takes his forearm to steady him. Zanka’s staring at the blood on his hand, staining Enjin’s sleeve.

“Whoa, you okay?” Enjin asks, concern slipping into his voice. “Can you stand?”

Zanka can't steady his breathing. His chest is burning. He feels like he’s on fire. He doesn’t know why it hurts so much. He still has his oxygen mask on. He tries to say something, because at the very least he should be apologizing, but nothing comes out right. Enjin’s going to be furious. Zanka is so angry with himself. He could have gotten someone hurt. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be here at all.

“Hey, talk to me,” Enjin says, but he can't. He stumbles as he tries to take a step forward and his knees collapse underneath him, and Enjin manages to catch him and steady him before he falls to the ground.

He hears them talking around him, Enjin laying him down and pressing a hand against his forehead. Their voices start getting fuzzy.

Zanka doesn't even think he felt this bad when he was recovering from what Jabber did to him.

…

Zanka practically collapses into Enjin’s arms. Riyo had a feeling this was going to happen, so she was careful to make sure she was watching Zanka’s back the whole time. But clearly, not careful enough.

“What the hell is going on?” Enjin breathes out. “Did he hit his head?”

Riyo shrinks. She’s holding Zanka’s staff. Enjin’s going to be pissed when he finds out that she sort of knew all along.

Enjin is very careful with him, wary of his head injury, as he lowers him down to the ground. Zanka doesn’t show any sign of being conscious, not really. Riyo doesn’t think he was hit head-on at all, but she’s pretty sure the fever she suspects he had just slowed his reflexes, and once that thing knocked him over, all of the adrenaline he had saved up collapsed with him.

Enjin turns Zanka’s head to inspect his injury, and looks confused, because sure enough, it’s nothing worse than a scrape that bleeds a lot more than a usual scrape, being on the head. Nothing bad enough to make Zanka pass out. He turns his head back, makes sure all of his equipment is attached, and that his oxygen mask is sealed. His hand lingers there for a second, before he presses it against Zanka’s forehead.

“He’s burning,” Enjin says with a huff, “has he been sick the whole time? Is that why -”

Riyo’s lips are pressed into a line. There’s no point in hiding it now.

“You knew, didn’t you?”

“Well, he didn’t really tell me, but -”

“Okay, we’ll talk about this later. We need to get him into town if he’s so sick that he’s passing out on us” Enjin says sternly, snaking one arm underneath Zanka’s shoulders and the other under his legs to carry him. He’s angry, but not with Riyo, and not with Zanka. Riyo can’t really tell what that means.

…

When he wakes up, he's staring at a ceiling that isn't familiar to him.

It's old, flickering light panels.

He's on a cot in a hallway. By himself. He sits up, brings his knees to his chest and pushes himself against the wall.

He can't breathe.

He doesn’t completely understand it, right away. All he knows is that he’s in a strange place and there’s no one familiar around. He’s still in his uniform, and he touches the side of his head, which is now bandaged - okay, that was real. Maybe he’s been treated for his injuries. It smells like a clinic - disinfectant, mostly, but where is everyone?

They wouldn’t leave him, right?

“Hey, hey. Don't breathe so hard, you're gonna hurt yourself.”

Enjin's voice comes out of nowhere, but the sudden hand on his back is what grounds Zanka back into reality. He wouldn't leave him. He wouldn't.

Enjin is holding two water bottles and a pack of cigarettes, and he smells like smoke, too, covering up the disinfectant he was smelling seconds ago with something familiar. He’s not as nervous with Enjin here, but Zanka is missing pieces. Did he pass out on that job, really?

So Enjin has to know he’s sick, right?

His breaths start to pick up again and he feels light headed. He’s not ready for this conversation. He’s so nauseous, all of a sudden. He presses two fingers onto the inner part of his wrist, a nausea pressure point he knows and really just a last resort, and Enjin seems to notice.

“Zanka, listen to me,” Enjin says, rubbing his shoulder, “you’re just gonna feel worse if you’re breathing like that.”

Zanka’s eyes are burning with tears. He fucked up. Enjin is going to be so angry with him.

“Zanka,” Enjin says again.

Zanka’s hands cover his face.

“I’m not your sister. Okay?”

He stops breathing, for a few seconds, frozen by those words.

He knows that. Of course he knows that. The tears spill from his eyes. He’s reacting so poorly to this that Enjin has to tell him things he told him three or four years ago, when he just joined, when his anxiety was so bad that he only ever assumed people around him had his sister’s intentions.

Everything hurts. His chest feels like it's on fire.

Why can’t he just get it together?

Enjin sits beside him on the cot, and rubs his shoulder, for a few minutes. Zanka’s trying to gather his thoughts. Breathe slower. Not so hard. Enjin says you’re going to hurt yourself like that. It’s so hard, but he keeps it up long enough that it doesn’t burn so much.

“You with me?” he asks gently.

Zanka nods. The tears streaming down his face dot his uniform.

“Took you to a local clinic up here. Riyo went with Delmon and the Supporters to finish the job on the other side,” Enjin explains.

Shit. He's completely dead weight. Enjin's the best one of them, easily, and he had to sideline himself to take care of Zanka's sorry ass.

“Don't think these guys're real doctors, but…thankfully I kinda know what I'm doing,” Enjin says, a hand on the side of his head where he was injured. “We're good here though. They said you can stay here ‘til you're feelin’ okay enough for us to leave.”

Zanka's breath is caught in his throat. He hates this. He rubs at his eyes. The tears won’t stop. He’s always like this when he has a fever, and he hates it.

“Riyo said you were throwin’ up, too?”

He wants to bash his head into the wall.

How did she even know that? Did she hear him, this morning?

“Listen, Zanka. I…I thought we talked about this.”

They have. A hundred times. Zanka bites his lip.

“Are…am I -”

“I'm not kicking you out. And you're not in trouble, okay?” Enjin says, answering Zanka’s biggest fears right off the bat. “I wouldn't kick you out for something stupid like that.”

Stupid. Of course he wouldn’t. Enjin has said that a million times too. It’s not your fault if you’re sick. But you need to be responsible.

And he wasn’t.

“Tell me why you didn't say anything,” Enjin asks. “Riyo knew, and she should've told me. But it's your responsibility to know when you're not fit to fight.”

That's just it.

There never was a not fit to fight, for him.

Zanka went to class every day, all day, without fail. It didn't matter if he had the stomach flu and he couldn't keep water downt. It didn't matter if he'd misstepped the day before, and a bullet from his sister's gun had lodged into his shoulder. It never mattered. His family was always breathing down his neck to make sure of it.

He always did it. He always survived through it. And he’s always thought that was the only option, and it didn’t matter if he didn’t feel well, because he always got the job finished. It didn’t matter if he got hurt, especially something as minor as this.

He can't get it through his head, that someone cared whether or not he got hurt. It didn’t make any sense to him.

“What do you think would've happened?”

“I don't…I don't know,” Zanka murmurs through increasingly panicked breaths. The tears won’t stop, either. He doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t know. “Stupid…irrational bullshit…”

“Zanka, did you think I was going to punish you?”

Zanka swallows.

“Is that why you didn’t say anything?”

Zanka doesn’t nod, but he doesn’t shake his head, either. He doesn’t want to admit that. Enjin always says don’t work sick. Don’t work injured. Zanka understands that. It makes perfect sense. But it’s so drilled into his head that he has to work though anything, that by the time he can admit to himself that something is wrong, he’s already on the battlefield, and already broken Enjin’s rules.

“I have these rules because I can't trust you to fess up when you don't feel good, but I guess it backfired,” Enjin sighs, “it's making you not tell me at all. Think you get too in your head about it, huh?”

Zanka doesn’t want to admit it. It’s probably true.

“It’s my fault, too. Shouldn’t have painted broad strokes when you guys are all different. The rules work for Riyo and Eishia, but shouldn’t have assumed the same for you.”

Zanka wants to apologize, but Enjin keeps talking before he can.

“If you told me you weren't feeling good before we left, the least we could've done was take you to Eishia and get you some medicine,” Enjin says. “It doesn't always mean we need'a take you out of combat. And if it did, it’s not a problem. This stuff only lasts for a few days. Once you’re feeling better, you can do whatever you want. We can make things work, but I need you to be honest with me first. Because you know I’m not punishing you for shit that isn’t your fault.”

Zanka lowers his head. He feels like he can finally breathe, at least.

“How are you feeling right now?” Enjin asks, ruffling his hair.

Zanka's first instinct is to tell him he's fine, he feels okay, but he doesn't. His head is pounding. Everything feels weird and fuzzy, like his brain isn't fully comprehending what his senses are telling him. His stomach still hurts, but he doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up anymore, at least. He should really say all of it out loud to Enjin, but he's not there yet.

“Not…great,” he mumbles. It's the best he can do. “Think I can leave, though.”

“‘Kay, if you're sure,” Enjin says, laying the back of his hand against Zanka's forehead for good measure. “Let's get you out of here, then.”

Enjin helps him off the cot, keeps him steady enough. His head is swimming, he can’t really stand straight, but he can make the most out of his staff this way, at least. Enjin looks a little concerned about him walking with how dizzy he is, but he’s able to hold himself up after a few steps. Enjin walks close beside him, just in case.

He can’t wait to lay down in his bed.

…

Zanka rubs his eyes.

There’s a familiar head of hair at the edge of his bed, attached to someone sitting on the floor.

“How long y'been in here,” Zanka mumbles.

“Riyo told me to watch you,” Rudo mumbles. He’s got something in his hands. Some sort of electronic piece and a screwdriver. He’s been doing that a lot more recently, keeping himself busy.

“Wasn’t my question,” Zanka replies.

“Two hours,” he says.

Zanka groans. He’s probably earned to be watched, with what he pulled yesterday.

He stares up at his ceiling. He doesn’t feel as bad as he did before, at least, but he could still certainly go back to sleep.

“Maybe you should take your own advice,” Rudo says.

At first, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he quickly recalls telling Rudo the same things Enjin has told him. Don’t fight sick and don’t fight injured, if you can help it. Rely on your team. Take responsibility. It is good advice, and Rudo’s done good following it, too.

“Brat,” Zanka grumbles.