youre in the doghouse now

Shiba….Shiba your emotions. Open up to her! Azusa was just thankful she was letting them talk to each other. “People do care about your music!” She had definitely noticed that slipping and half-truth, but as long as Shiba was at least willing to say ‘a musician’ and not ‘a rapper’, it’s certainly something. “Even if there’s something you’re really passionate about, even if it’s such a huge part of your identity, it’s never going to be all of who you are.” Speaking from experience! “You friends are going to care about every part of you.” She gives Shiba a sad smile, nodding. “I understand.” What else can you add to that? It Hurts!

Azusa is smart enough to not bring it up when Shiba is very clearly trying to hide it, but she can’t not say anything at all, right? “You’re really strong, you know? Don’t think I ever said that. But you have people to rely on. And it’s okay to let them see you hurting.” This isn’t about the crying she swears.

Azusa takes the bag, making sure that it’s nice and protected against her side. Can’t exactly get an all new laptop! “No need for thanks!” Azusa you love thanks, “I’ll just follow your lead!”

But did they care about it in the way Shiba wanted them to? Probably... not. There were so many feelings swirling around in them. “H- How could you understand..?” their voice was soft but incredibly bitter. “Azusa Doigawa... t- that’s you’re real name, right? You n- never lied about who you were, huh...?” This wasn’t how they wanted to say something like this. Something as precious as their own name, how could they say it like this. They bit their bottom lip and held back the venom they could feel bubbling up in their chest. It wasn’t fair to spew all this bitterness at Azusa. It’d be even less fair when all she was trying to do was help them.

Shiba looked up at Azusa, tears still falling unacknowledged but the way their face twisted in pain was undeniable. “I- Identity...? All a- any outside o- of here will know me f- f- for is my music... I- It’s like I--” their body trembles and they choke back a sob. They didn’t like this side of them. The gloomy, awkward crybaby who barely anyone knew. Azusa wouldn’t comfort them like Ayumu did. But in all fairness, Shiba told Ayumu by choice. They felt comfortable enough to open up and let Ayumu see them for how they truly were. Maybe it didn’t mean anything to him. Maybe he didn’t realize what they had done. Maybe he’d never know the importance of that moment in the kitchen to them. But it was there. Those feeling were real and dug like a knife in their small chest. 

Ayumu knew and would take that comfortable moment they shared together with him. Because as far she they could tell, this wasn’t comforting at all. To no fault of Azusa’s, this was just a very internal and private struggle that displayed by how rapidly they cried and how violently they shook.

“Ko... Kousuke... W- Watanabe.... t- that’s who I am... N- Not the b- brave rapper... n- not the smiling idol... I- I’m...” 

What were they? Who were they? Who could they be?

Ah…! This was getting somewhere! If Shiba was no longer in danger of running off with cheese, Mayumi could…

…Mayumi hadn’t really planned on anything to do or say beyond offering to cook. Shit. She was gonna have to wing it again.

“Right! Pineapple ramen it is! It’s still the first draft though, you know? It’s definitely not as complex as it could be…” She reached out for an apron and tied it around her waist, relaxing slightly when it was snug and comfortable, and moving to the fridge.

“So uh! You have to be really honest about what you think and what it needs. I can’t improve otherwise. Don’t worry about being rude–I’m definitely used to worse!”

She set aside her ingredients, including a tupperware container of pineapple slices, and grabbed a pot for the stove, waiting til she had begun prep to speak again.

“Uh. Um! H…how. Are you doing? Tonight. In general?”

While Mayumi moved around, Shiba moved to be out of her way. They kept the cheese bag with them but closed, now feeling bad since wow this probably wasn’t very sanitary. But at least this meant it was their shredded cheese now. 

They smiled a little, “It’ll probably still taste good...” It was kinda nice that even with everything going on Mayumi was still willing to do something like make a new recipe over some throwaway comment. 

Shiba nodded, “When have you known me to not be rude.” It was a joke but... well lately hadn’t they been more tamed and kind? Part of them really missed being rude and having an attitude. Although they did slip back to that during the trial and after the ranking results had come in. Did they have a right to mope or complain?

“I’m...” they sighed, why lie to Mayumi? “Well I’m a mix bag of things, I guess... Somehow, though, it’d be really shitty of me to complain, huh? I did just...” they frown, “...I did threaten to kill everyone. I- I’ve been trying to talk to some people and keep spirits up. Haven’t become a full hermit yet but, um...” But maybe it would be better if they did. They sighed frustrated with their own confusion.

Azusa rolled her eyes, though not with any real disdain. Just frustration. And maybe some vague recognition of her own Not Great traits. She walked up to them, which wasn’t hard to do since she wasn’t weighted down by equipment and was wearing actual beach shoes. She could see Shiba tearing up, but didn’t comment on it. That wasn’t going to be helpful for this discussion, and she definitely wouldn’t want to be called out in their place. 

Azusa sighed, shrugging. “It’s not really your choice. And if you really want to say “it doesn’t matter what I want” then…not to be presumptuous again, but then…you want people to care, right? That’s what everyone wants, at the end of the day, I think.  And people want to care about you, and there’s not really anything you can do to change things.”

Well. There probably was. But it’d take a lot, and Shiba wasn’t a heinous person. Even at their most frustrating, Azusa never believed that.  “…I can carry some of it, you know,” She eventually murmured. “It’s a lot of equipment. L-look. No matter who you are, people will care about you, and they should. We’re in this horrible situation, and there’s no way to make it through emotionally if you isolate yourself. Physically, maybe. But that’s just being a shell. And your personality is too much to just degrade into a shell.”

It was probably for the best that Azusa didn’t comment on either things. They would’ve just denied and ran if she did. Part of them was so focused on not crying despite how much they obviously wanted to, that they didn’t notice Azusa approaching. 

Wow it really sucked to have her words thrown back at her in such a way. “Tch,” they turned in annoyance, trying to stay mad while they searched for holes in Azusa’s logic. “I- I want people to care about my music! I want people to only care about me as a id-- rapper-- a musician!” A half truth but at least there was truth to it. “I- I don’t...” their expression softened and even if they tried, they couldn’t pull off an angry face anymore. All Shiba could do was suffer through her face betraying her to show just how heartbroken she felt over this entire ordeal. “I... I- It just hurts a lot o- okay?” 

She felt the tears on her cheeks but wasn’t going to acknowledge them so long as Azusa wouldn’t. She puffs her cheeks up a bit while Azusa reminds her of their situation and... well, she didn’t like being left behind back then, why force people to do the same now?

“Mhm… Wait, huh? You’re cold…?”

Tsukiko’s comprehension level was at a bare minimum right after waking up. Hopefully, it would better itself in a few moments, but only time could really tell.

She snuggled up closer, trying to keep Shiba warm that way. If she felt cozy, then surely, it could be conveyed with closer body contact? It was simple science, after all!

“Mmmm… can’t sleep more… got lotsa stuff to do…”

While she may say that, she certainly didn’t act like as if she was ready to go up and do what she wanted to do. She felt perfectly comfortable to just lie here for a little longer, at the very least.

“Was a good nap, though… better then what I had back in my lab.”

Not mentioning that she essentially passed out wasn’t done intentionally - she simply didn’t care enough to elaborate further on the subject. Probably for the better or else, poor Shiba would fret over her even more than she already did.

“…? Why annoying…?”

She blinked slowly, not quite understanding what was annoying about anything she said or did. All Shiba did was to make sure that she was doing okay, so why would she feel the need to be ever annoyed at that? And big sister…

“Not annoying… ‘nd if this is how big siblings act…”

“Really missed out then, huh…?”

She mumbled, though more to herself than at Shiba. Tsukiko seemed to be lost in thought at the moment.

Shiba just let Tsukiko snuggle in closer. Maybe the meaning of their words were lost but they didn’t really mind. Tsukiko was comforting. 

“What type of stuff? Sleep is important, ya’ know. Can’t grow big and strong if you don’t sleep right,” they said, nodding at their own words. The mentions of napping at her lab did concern Shiba. “Well, if you liked this nap then let’s nap a lot together? Feel free to come to my room when you need to. But, um,” they tried to keep smiling and be cheerful. “Please don’t just knock out wherever, o- okay?” This felt so painful, it was too like what she’d tell Ayumu. Even if she was forcing that smile, her glossy eyes were betraying her. “I- It’s not safe to just-- just nap in weird p- places, haha...” 

Before she knew it, Shiba held Tsukiko closer in an attempt to hide their own face from the chemist. They weren’t thinking straight - probably from the lack of sleep and their still fresh emotional pain - but they could at least focus on not crying in front of Tsukiko for a second time. 

Right, best to just focus on the conversation at hand. “I- I don’t know--” it’d probably be better if she didn’t sound so distressed. “Um, y- ya’ know isn’t it weird t- to have someone always just b- bugging you?” they laugh weakly at their own words, still trying to focus on calming down. “Like, y- you’re a capable person s- so I’m just sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong...” they frowned as they spoke. Maybe Ayumu saw it as that way as well? Either way their tone went from nervous to soft as they continued to speak. Even their hold on Tsukiko got considerably lighter. 

“What would I know though...? I’m an only child s- so I wouldn’t even know how siblings act... E- Even if I had one, maybe they wouldn’t’ve been into music so... s- so we probably wouldn’t’ve lived together...” Even though they were frowning, they laughed a little. “Though it’d be kinda hard to be in my f- family and not be into music...” Music was, and probably always would be, a safe topic for Shiba. It was their comfort, their motivation, and their talent! Besides with music, you could be alone. 

“You don’t want to feel these things but you already are. That’s just what being a human being is. I’m just trying to speak to you from a place of empathy and concern. I can’t just keep repeating myself, but that burn out and crash are going to hurt, especially in a messed up place like this. If you don’t take a second to breathe and process how are you going to make it through the next crisis?” Azusa looks down at Shiba’s fists, but doesn’t say anything. Honestly she’ll take anger and even maybe a punch. Any emotion is better than nothing. 

“None of us were, you can’t blame yourself specifically! You can’t be on top of everyone all the time. It’s a tragedy but it’s not exactly a tragedy any of us can control besides the guy who decided murder was acceptable. Blame him. You had nothing to do with it. And even if this party ended up getting crashed it doesn’t change the fact that everyone who went got some relief. You allowed us an opportunity for happiness and a break. That’s not nothing.” Even if this beach wasn’t exactly as good as it was before…she still had the good memories, and that meant a lot. “So try me. So try any of your friends. Don’t count us out before you even give honesty a shot. If you’re so sure you don’t want people to care about you, what’s the problem with letting us get to know the real you? Either way, you can’t control how others feel about you.”

Azusa watches her walk away, but she doesn’t make any move to follow, just lets her words hang in the air. If this is it and Shiba wants to retreat, that’s expected, if disappointing. If she’s got anything to say, Azusa is all ears.

“I’m not!! That’s now what I feel!!” they shout back, even though they had vaguely admitted at some point to feeling something. Were they throwing a tantrum? What was even the benefit of arguing about this? Even if Azusa wasn’t there, others clearly saw Shiba sobbing her eyes out during the investigation. 

That was... also true. The logical part of Shiba, although sometimes small, knew that Azusa was right. Haruto had killed Ayumu and Shiba didn’t have any say or influence over that. But why couldn’t they blame him? Maybe they really meant it when they said that they didn’t care about what happened to Haruto from this point on. Or maybe they were too tired to hate someone? Too scared? Too confused and eaten by guilt? There was no clear answer, everything was hard to place. 

At least they were still a good distance away from Azusa. Which helped because they could already feel themself tear up again. The truly difficult part about this was that they couldn’t even attempt to hide it or wipe away their tears because their hands were full. 

Man… this was… what did her sister say? Mood? This was a mood. Mayumi averted her eyes slightly to try and give the whole situation, shredded cheese and all, some more dignity.

“No, no… listen, it’s more embarrassing if I’m cooking ramen on my own late at night, just–if you let me cook for you I’ll feel better about myself, too. And I don’t like pineapple that much, so I can’t taste-test the ramen on my own.”

“Or maybe shrimp? Or… uh. I’m working on a lamb ramen… and a vegetarian ramen… just uh. You don’t HAVE to eat that…”

Truth be told, those options were sounding a lot better than just the shredded cheese. Maybe when Mayumi wasn’t looking, Shiba could sprinkle it on top of whatever she made for her. 

“... I’d like the pineapple ramen,” she said softly, looking down. This was just embarrassing now that it was settling in. 

Well, the utter confusion of those two sentences does manage to shut her up for a minute. She raises an eyebrow, visibly confused and frustrated all at once. “Why in the world would me saying you’re hurting be something that’s meant to make you seem lesser than me? It’s true, I’m not in as much pain as you are. But I’m sorry that he’s gone, and I’m sorry we ruined the trial, and I’m sorry someone as good as him isn’t here anymore. Your feelings don’t make you lesser or better than me.”

Azusa just stares at her. “Sorry, I must have missed the part where you held a gun to all of our heads and said to vote for Nishimura-san. Of course, it’s awful that the vote almost sentenced her to die, don’t get me wrong, but you’re not a detective, for god’s sake! It’s not on you to know the culprit every single time. Besides, the “if”’s don’t help us here. Nobody got executed, and that’s our mercy. And you know what? Nishimura-san wouldn’t have been executed anyway, so that’s not exactly a guilt you need to carry.” She takes a breath, puts her hands up. “I’m getting off topic.The point is tensions were running high for everyone. Nobody knew what we were doing. It’s not fair to lay blame at any one person for being angry and making a mistake.”

She chuckles in disbelief. “Nobody here is alone, you know! I didn’t want it either, and now look where we’re both at. Friendship isn’t a one-way street. If you didn’t want those people by your side you wouldn’t try and be there for them the way you are. But that’s not how you work.” Azusa watches her manhandle the equipment, shakes her head. “And what, you don’t think they would care if they did? You have that little faith in everyone here? In all the people who you’ve bonded with? You’re not a monster, Minami-san, nobody here is going to run away that easily.”

tw: self deprecation

Well... Truthfully Shiba didn’t have an answer for that. It was clear on her face that she was on the verge of something. Her face seemed a little puffed up as if even exhaling would reveal way too much. “Well I don’t want them getting shoved back in my face!! I don’t care if I’m hurting or fucking anything! I don’t wanna feel these things so back the fuck off and let me not feel them,” she balled her hands into tight fists but couldn’t even look Azusa in the eye as she got angry. 

Another point to Azusa but all that did was cause Shiba to puff her cheeks a bit more now. Maybe at another time this would’ve been hilarious or even a bit cute, but it was all she could do to hold back whatever it was she wanted to keep in. 

At the chuckle, Shiba releases her breath but doesn’t attempt to look at Azusa anymore. She was just focused on getting everything packed enough for one trip. It was a hassle having to move everything by herself to set up but it wasn’t like she had much of a choice for the take down. “I wasn’t there for Ayumu! I wasn’t there for Ayumu at all a- and with what Haruto said, this whole fucking thing didn’t even matter! It was just me pushing what I wanted on him, wasn’t it?!” She was trying to swallow down the pain and make herself sound pissed but she couldn’t lie so severely. “...You wouldn’t. No one would. T- That’s the type of person I am. I don’t have to be a monster to not be liked, b- but I’m not--” She turned and kept packing everything up. It would be difficult, but not impossible. “But I’m n- not someone others should care for!”

“Fine, you’re right. Just giving you that label is presumptuous, especially for someone who at least didn’t have to see the body.” She should consider herself lucky for that, the dancer thinks. Azusa had had to investigate bodies before, but she had never had to cut down someone she liked. It’s not something she’d wish on anyone. “You want a different label, then? You’re grieving. You didn’t help much because you lost somebody dear to you, suddenly, on top of every other messed up thing that happens here constantly. I can you run you through all the layers of why this isn’t something a person should just brush off, if you really want to go through all of the mess again.”

She ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head. This was starting to sound like she was lecturing Shiba which is not what she came here to do. It was just so frustrating to want to help but not really having the means to do so.

“Right, “it won’t change anything”, because your friends are certainly going to just walk it off.” You’d think hearing Ayumu’s name would knock some wind out of her sails, but all she takes it pretty well considering the place where he died is still resting out there. “Of course nobody gets everything they wants. Do you think any of us would be here, if it was that easy? We can’t bring him back, but we can keep you alive and not working yourself until you can’t work anymore. And I know you don’t mean that. Yes, now I’ll be presumptuous, because it’s so obvious you care about making the people you care about happy and safe. And they want that for you too, but you have to meet them half-way!”

The word pricked at her skin. Grieving... It sounded like something so far apart from her and it didn’t make sense. Fumiko didn’t grieve. She didn’t when Kanpei, Namiko, Ryuu, Noel, or even Lucky died... why would she grieve now? Wasn’t that just completely unfair? “You’re just saying shit to make yourself feel better. So long as someone’s beneath you, doesn’t that just make you look all the cooler,” she spat back. It truly made no sense, but that’s what she was choosing to say.

Her frown grew because she knew that Azusa was right but that didn’t mean she had to accept it. “They would. Everyone easily would, especially after how I acted out during the trial. I almost got someone completely innocent killed,” it wasn’t like she was the deciding vote, but she was a major force pushing the trial a certain way. It was probably for the best that Ayumu didn’t see that.

Mayumi hadn’t particularly gone out of her way to capture Shiba and talk to her about everything, though… she really, really should have? Shiba probably needed more people on her side, but it was so much easier to just cook and hide in her lab and not… actually do the hard work of helping someone.

Well, joke’s on her, apparently. If she’d just done something earlier, she wouldn’t be so eager to get back into her kitchen, and she wouldn’t flick on the light near midnight to find Shiba in front of her fridge, munchin on… god. Not even BLOCK cheese…

“……..”

“…I… I have…! An idea for pineapple ramen–let me cook s-something for you, Fumiko-kun!”

The light came on and Shiba jumped, holding the bag of shredded cheese a little closer to prevent herself from making a mess. Her face turned red with embarrassment when she realized just how ridiculous she probably looked. All she could do was stare ahead at Mayumi, gulping down the shredded cheese in her mouth and ignoring the bits that were on her cheeks. Sometimes people, especially when they thought they’d go unseen, were just messy eaters!

“Yes, because you were crying. Because you were traumatized, Minami-san. Doesn’t a huge cry like that normally make people exhausted, anyway? You need to take care of yourself.” This is all massively hypocritical for a girl who wasn’t always placing her own health first, but she’s certainly not going to mention that. “Nobody wants to watch you collapse on yourself.” 

She shakes her head as Shiba checks all of the equipment, before looking at the trash bags. After Shiba finishes speaking, she moves to grab the trash. “I’ll be back, we’re not done.” She takes the bags she has plus the ones Shiba’s gotten, and takes them to a trash can. It’s disgusting! But once she disposes of everything and washes her hands, she’s back.

“And what are you going to do if you end up collapsing somewhere and getting hurt? Especially in your lab, out there in the snow? You’re going to end up getting yourself killed, and then what? Nobody wants to lose you so soon after everything else just happened.” Look At Me Shiba. She doesn’t know what to say, but she’d take any emotion besides…this.

So suddenly everyone was a Shiba expert now? She huffed a little, closing her eyes a bit in annoyance. “Then no one has to watch. Saying I was traumatized... aren’t you deciding that for yourself? It’s not like I saw--” she bites back something before taking a deep breath. “It’s not like I saw his body...” She had seen Lucky’s, but thankfully had been spared of seeing Ayumu’s corpse. Would she have been able to handle that? Probably not. Definitely not. 

Shiba, surprisingly, waits for Azusa and continues to just mess with her speaker. It didn’t look like any of the sand damaged it at least... 

tw: self deprecation, vague death wish

And here they were again. Despite how long had passed, Shiba had managed to hold themselves together and stay busy. Granted they didn’t look great. Rather than their signature outfit, they settled for track suit because it offered better mobility. They messed with the sleeves as they listened to Monokumi explain what new and twisted game they were about to play… 

Once everything was explained and settled, Shiba took a deep breath and raised her hand. 

“So…!” she started, loud enough to call attention to herself. 

“I’m about to, um, ask for something that you might not agree with and I truly have no control over how this is taken but…” she already knew who was going to be upset with what she was about to say. 

“Rank Hiroyuki as close to 14 as you possibly can… I don’t mind where I’m ranked. In fact, logically speaking it’d make more sense to rank me closer to one,” along with at least one other person. “The last motive didn’t really affect me much because I can say with confidence that I don’t have any important person outside of this game. With my behavior in the trial as well, I’m more of a hindrance, especially moving forward…” They grimaced a bit at the fact that they had to say and admit to that. To Shiba, they were right in saying it. 

“But anyways, some other important things to keep in mind… I know Monokumi said to think of this as who we want to die the most, but part of me can only see it as who we want to die the least. And TBH, I don’t think I’d really harbor any hard feelings if I was rank one or two by any of you guys. It’s not like I want to die or anything, I just think that, IDK, it makes sense. So, consider it a freebie or something? All I ask in return is that you really consider where you rank Hiroyuki…”

Shiba had at least felt confident that their words had reached someone… Maybe. Or maybe they thought that they would at least be able to find some sense of twisted normalcy. They just needed for something, anything to make even the tiniest bit of sense. 

They were so sure they’d see their name at one of the top three spots. Maybe Kioku and Haruto would join them. That would at least give everyone enough time to figure something out.

So with a deep breath, Shiba finally allowed themselves to look at the results, ready to accept whatever–

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait–!!

This wasn’t right, this wasn’t right at all!!

“W- Wha–?!” their voice was caught in their throat and they were already shaking. “Why did you…?” they felt betrayed and hurt. It was showing in their voice and in how they were trying not to cry. They already cried in front of a good majority of them, but it was still difficult to cross that line just yet. 

Somehow, though, somehow they seemed to swallow down that and could only face the rest of their classmates with pure rage.

“Y'all better rethink how you ranked people.”

It was a new type of rage, not hindered by crying right before like they were during the trial. 

“I’ll fucking kill every last one of you. If Hiroyuki doesn’t get bumped the fuck down, I’ll slaughter you all.”

With the motive now announced and her list submitted, Shiba felt like she deserved a bit of a break from it all. That included people as well. She didn’t stick around for people to try and preach to her the same monologue she had gotten from Jito about ten times already. She had spent a good amount of the day just literally running and doing anything to keep her body moving faster than her mind. 

Which meant that now, late at night with less of a chance of running into anyone, Shiba was hungry. The idea of having to make a meal, while staying quiet, and cleaning up right after wasn’t… very inciting. If there was someone else requesting it of her, she could probably cook something, but since it was just for herself it was hard to really wanna focus. 

Arisa doesn’t get why Shiba’s being so quiet right now. She’s never had a problem sharing what she was thinking before, did she? No, her whole thing was she never shut the fuck up when she needed to. She was SH1BA, the rapper who all but dragged her old idol group through the mud as well as the whole fucking idol industry.

…This was hitting a bit too close to home for Arisa’s comfort, and she visibly squirmed in place.

“That’s not your fucking place to say, Shiba. If he would do better without you, then he’s self-serving enough to know when to dip out. Believe me, if he didn’t want your company, I bet he’d’ve left you alone at this point. Don’t talk shit like that when you got shit to back it up with.”

Okay, what the fuck? Arisa might not be the brightest lightbulb in the box, but she was smart enough to know whether or not someone was making basic logical sense. To her, it honestly just sounded like Shiba was giving herself a pat on the back for having a cute name which was, well, whatever. Arisa thought that her name was pretty fucking cute since, if you squinted, it kind of sounded like a name from one of her movies, but Fumiko’s was…sure? It was cute enough?

She didn’t know why they were having a conversation about this until, well, until it was all but screamed at her.

“…you lost me. Why did you have to change your name? Was it an idol thing? That’s fucking stupid. Kousuke’s a fine name. I don’t know why they would make you make it something different or whatever. Do you like it? Do you like the name Kousuke? If you do, then it’s a good name. I think it’s…cute.”

Shiba didn’t need her saying that she had no preference for a name, but she was absolutely feeling a need to swoop this kid into her arms and make sure that no one thought they could talk shit to her ever again. 

“You’re a failed idol, yeah, but you’re not a failed artist. Like, was Puppy Love falling apart even your fault? From what I’ve heard from what other people said about your stuff, I don’t think so. I think it was just supposed to fail. That doesn’t mean you deserve to be alone. No one deserves to be alone. Even the most terrible of people don’t deserve to be alone when they’re dealt a shit hand. Would you want Hiroyuki to be alone if his channel or whatever tanked? Really? And quit talking about Ueno as though he’s a god and knows everything or whatever. Adults don’t know shit.”

Is this how you talked to people? Uhhhhh, she didn’t know.

Even with tears in her eyes, she wants to laugh. She wants to laugh because it feels so obvious to her even if it seems to be flying over Arisa’s head. Though to be fair, when she told Jito the same, he didn’t get it. What was so hard to get?

“I- It’s not me... It’s not m- my company. Shiba-- F- Fumiko... that’s who he l- likes... If he s- saw me like this, h- he wouldn’t want me as a f- friend... he wouldn’t n- need me, b- but more importantly,” she paused, moving her hands just to bury her face in them. She didn’t want Arisa to see her cry like this. “M- More importantly, I- I wouldn’t be able t- t- to be strong for him...” Try as she might, Kousuke couldn’t keep it in.

Again, another reaction she didn’t understand. Only Ayumu seemed to accept her name without much fuss. Maybe it was because Kousuke was making such a big deal out of things that it was turning out like this. She did her best to calm down her own breathing so she could properly explain and answer but it hurt. It hurt so much that, of all people, Arisa would know but Ayumu... Ayumu would never know. 

Still, Kousuke knew how scary Arisa could be and wanted to at least answer her.

“K- Kousuke is usually a- a boy’s name s- so it doesn’t-- it didn’t fit my i- image...” That’s how it was explain to Kousuke when she was told about the change. “I...” at least she had managed to tell Ayumu this part, but it still made her chest hurt. “I- I love my name... K- Kousuke was-- it is my parents’ d- dream name f- for their child s- so...! S- So I was happy w- when I found out a- and I love it-- I love it so much...!!” She’s crying more now, she knows she’s crying more now with how much her body is shaking and how her voice can’t seem to calm itself. Even if she’s trying to hide her face in her hands, Arisa has to know she’s crying. 

“It was my fault--!” Her voice was sharp and carried more strength as she finally found it in her to look at Arisa. This wasn’t the confident Shiba, any trace of that was absolutely gone. Kousuke looked... scared? Guilty? It was hard to say since this would be the first time Arisa would see her expression so soft. 

“I- I was the odd one out...! P- Practiced too hard a- and they said my b- body was so stressed it’d never-- it won’t g- grow right... N- Nana and Otome were already... they were already s- so cool and beautiful b- but I’m just... I’m really s- small, you said so yourself..!” Their first interaction had been snide remarks at each other’s physical appearances. “So I... I couldn’t b- be a good center.. t- they told me I ruin the balance... T- The look of it all, i- it is my fault!” 

It’s not even like as if it has been that long ago that she received a hug - Jitou did give her a big one over at Noel’s lab. However, this one felt… different. More comforting; probably because she was lying on a big, soft bed, surrounded by pillows. Maybe it’s because Shiba had been nice to her this whole time - but no, Jitou had been also nice to her.

Ugh, too much thinking.

“Mmmhmmm… Think I will…”

She mumbled as she yawned, her eye already closed.

“M’kay… thanks, Sheebo… you too…”

As soon as those words escaped her, Tsukiko fell asleep immediately. It was probably enough of a miracle that she stayed awake to utter those words to begin with.

…

……

………

At some point, Tsukiko returned back to the land of consciousness. For a moment, she had absolutely no idea where she was and why she was lying on something so soft, but as soon as her eye opened, she started to recall some things. But more importantly…

“… Warm…”

She mumbled, a small smile appearing on her face she she rubbed her head into… right, Shiba’s shoulder.

“Hehe… you’re warm, Sheebo…”

Once Tsukiko had settled down, Shiba kept them close. She had said she’d watch over the chemist so that’s exactly what she was going to do. Even though at times she could feel herself drifting off, she managed to shock herself awake when she remembered that there was really no good reason to relax. She had to stay awake and protect Tsukiko. Shiba had failed Ayumu in that regard, so she wasn’t going to fail Tsukiko now. 

When Tsukiko began to speak, Shiba smiled a bit. 

“Think so?” she mused, laughing a little. “Maybe that’s why my area is so cold? Because I’m already so warm...” for now it was good to just not think and respond only to what Tsukiko was saying. 

“If you wanna sleep more you can... but I do have to ask, um, how are you sleeping? I know that...” they sigh, “I know that trial was a lot... but please don’t let it affect your health too much... If you need someone there to help you sleep or if you’re hungry and want someone to make you something, I’ll do it for you, okay? Just please take care of yourself more Tsukiko...” 

They were precious to Shiba and with so much death, Shiba was running out of people that they liked. 

Azusa can’t read any kind of tone. “Not like you’ve been just cleaning, though. A bunch of stuff has happened, and none of us have gotten any time to sleep.” Not like it came easy to her either, but at least she had managed it. “I understand that. I do! But you have to at least…try. It’s not healthy for your body. Maybe one or two all-nighters, but eventually you could die from that.” Haha Ayumu used to- 

Azusa goes back to scooping up trash in place of actually talking, although she’s clearly thinking of what else to say. After a moment, she finally sighs. “You’ve looked like a mess for this whole situation. I get that sleep probably isn’t attractive right now, I couldn’t sleep for most of last night anyway. And god knows I’ve worked until I’ve dropped. You can talk about high stamina, but we’re about equals in that department. I’m speaking from experience when I’m saying eventually you’re going to have to give it a rest. Maybe not right now but…soon.”

She actually does look…pretty concerned.

Azusa had a point, but Shiba could at least choose to ignore it. “I didn’t do much during the investigation period,” as anyone on her team could easily say. “... I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t mind.” Shiba had full songs dedicated to her old idol schedule, it wasn’t like all-nighters were anything new.

With the trash on Shiba’s side already put into bags, she moves over to her makeshift karaoke station and does a quick check of the equipment. Of course her laptop had already run out of battery so she’d have to double check on it when she got back to her room. She began to carefully pack up her microphones as Azusa kept talking. 

Wait, what the fuck? Did she just get told that she was right? By Shiba?? Hold on, she had to have had mistaken her, right? Shiba didn’t tell her shit like that…Looking back on the memory, though, she definitely….yeah. Wow, this kid was fucked if she was telling her she was right.

“Hold on, what the fuck? No, you’re not supposed to say that. You’re supposed to say some shit like ‘oh, Arisa, you’re such a bitch, blah, blah, whatever’ or whatever the fuck you would say that I would immediately ignore and say that you were just jealous of me and so on and so on.”

Their conversations didn’t work like this. Sure, she knows that Shiba went through some shit recently, but was it really this bad? Really? She supposed that she never had any of her friends die, so it was probably more than a bit unfair to rag on the rapper for being super upset about it. Arisa had been upset just thinking that Mitsugi might not have been okay back during the first motive, but it seemed like everything turned out just fine since the video had him looking…fine. He looked older, but he looked fine.

Shiba would never get to see Ayumu get older, would she? Damn…Yeah, maybe this shit sucked more than she thought it did.

“Ever thought that he doesn’t want someone he can rely on and that’s it? If you suddenly ripped out a part of you, I think he would be pretty fucking upset about that, don’t you think? I know I’d be pretty angry if Mitsu-kun suddenly decided that it would be better for me if he just stopped doing something that I had no issue with. Don’t fucking say what would be good for people when it wouldn’t be. You don’t know shit about what would be good for someone if they aren’t you. Newsflash, Hiroyuki isn’t you.”

Why was she out here giving emotional advice to fucking Shiba of all people? Oh, wait, what? Name? Ayumu knew her name? Wasn’t her name Fumiko or something?

“I’m stupid, but I’m not that stupid, Shiba. Your name’s Fumiko, isn’t it? Everyone knows that, genius.”

“Get over yourself. No one is happy being alone, moron. Sure, some people can like being alone sometimes, but no one likes being alone all the time. Humans are, like, social animals. We literally need to talk to people in order to be happy and live and shit. Quit talking out of your ass. I think that you stopped being held back when you left Puppy Love or whateves. You didn’t suddenly or magically become this great rapper now that you were alone–you felt shit and you used your medium to get it out there. And who the fuck is Mr. Ueno?”

tw: self deprecating language

If she had been feeling even the slightest bit better, she would’ve probably laughed. Their conversations since the beginning were so clear cut and felt like there was a script they had to follow. The jealousy thing was funny enough for Shiba’s mouth to twitch a bit into a smile. It was kinda really funny, wasn’t it?

“He’s not me so he deserves better than me. That’s why I wanted him to be friends with everyone, then he’d realize it on his own too. For now I can be his support,” she made sure to properly put the picture back into the box. Today didn’t seem to be the day she was ready to let go. Probably.

Again, that was funny. 

“... N- No. It’s not.”

She really, really wanted to laugh. Even though her eyes were already getting shiny with tears she was holding back, Shiba wanted to laugh.

“Fumiko M- Minami is such... it’s such a pretty a- and cute name, isn’t it? It’s m- memorable and easy to market... For a f- fourteen year old, it’s kinda mature sounding, r- right? And for a seventeen year old, it’s still p- pretty,” she’s rambling now and her shoulder were shaking. The difference between now and the last time was that her rambling was more positive and she could at least stand. For now, she was stuck to the floor and couldn’t even look at Arisa. 

“I- It’s not even l- legally changed...! It’s just... it’s just n- no one needed to know. And I--” what was she saying? Where was she getting at? Her mind was racing and words were coming but none of them were making sense.

“K- Kousuke...!”

And with that, her tears were falling. Arisa always knew how to push her to places she didn’t like to be so now she was just here crying and speaking nonsense. 

“Kousuke--!! Kousuke W- Watanabe...! M- My name is K- Kousuke a- and... a- and Ayumu th- thought it was--” she tried to wipe her tears as best as possible. “A- Ayumu thought it was a- a- a nice name...!!”

And more important than anything, he knew. He saw her cry and be awkward but they were still friends, weren’t they? But this wasn’t answering any of her questions. Weren’t interviews her strong point?