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The price of leather was in free-fall this Tuesday morning as the BHA (the "British Horseracing Authority", not to be confused with the BHA, the "British Hospitality Association", the BHA, the "British Humanist Association", or BHA, Butylated hydroxyanisole) announced restrictive rules on the admissibility of horse whipping during races.

The announcement that the rules on use of physical force in education would be slackened came as a relief to investors in prime bamboo producing land all over the world, as it became apparent that increased demand for canes will fuel a new boom in the market.

News that Rupert Murdoch has decided not to hack into the lives of every living being on the planet has renewed interest in the purchase of television sets.

Good news for Pfizer stock as one of the world's most resilient military rulers has publicly recognised the potency of Viagra™ in combating civil unrest.

Large orders have already been placed by armies around the world, and a specially constituted Pentagon commission has been set the task of determining whether the next edition of World Domination for Dummies (ed: the command level strategy book used from three stars up) should be adapted to reflect these new developments.

Investors are rushing to buy out the last remaining coal mines in the British isles as the Government has decided to go out with its plans to permanently cripple research into so-called "green energy" by forcing research labs to pay a premium on their electricity consumption.

Property prices in Copenhagen will likely hit new lows over the upcoming years as expatriates working in Lego factories begin their mass exodus. The ban of Marmite is seen as the final straw by many foreigners who used to look at their morning spread as the one enjoyable moment of the day before braving their boring Danish workday.

Canine markets are rife with speculation as to the identity of Fido, the Navy Seal dog. According to the NY Times, the military canine was either a Belgian Malinois or a German Shepherd.

The world's foremost terrorist and public enemy number one since the arrest of Bernie Madoff was unceremoniously shot and subsequently buried at sea in a barely disguised attempt at regulating the price of corn.

Stockpiles built over the past decade in preparation for the trial of the century saw their value slashed instantly as the prospect of watching the endless rantings of Osama Bin Laden and various international prosecutors on CNN and the BBC World Service vanished without the hope of a replacement.

The price of gravel per cubic metre is in free fall since landscape artists have started to use the excess amounts of cheap porcelain flooding the market as an affordable and classy alternative to scatter on driveways.

News that a link has been found between contact with armadillos and leprosy in humans has rocked the armoured pet industry to its core.

The announcement that borders would be reinstated in Europe and the Schengen agreement amended to force member states to redraw borders in a thick white line have prompted intense speculation on the titanium market.

Apple's stockmarket value is set to hit new highs after the discovery that iPhones track user locations and timestamp your every step, and save this information in a manner accessible to private eyes with basic software.

South Korean engineers develop an auto-gun capable of doing everything by itself (ie. what a gun does: point and shoot).